Friday, November 27, 2009

God bless Modern Family

Manny (little kid): "I've tried everything to get her attention. Opening doors, having milk sent over in the cafeteria, nothing's works".
Jay (stepdad): "Here's the deal, girls don't go for all that romantic stuff. They go for power and success....and since you don't have either one of those things, you're going to be the funny guy".

Every little boy should learn this before he is 13.

Friday, November 13, 2009

Attention smokers...


If the above pic isn't enough to make you quit smoking, then I don't think anything will. No one should be in the same category as this douchebag. I'm half inclined to dye my hair blond just to make sure I have one less thing in common with him.

On another note, when you have EIGHT kids who look up to you (maybe one day they're learn not to) and may emulate you shudder then maybe that should be inspiration enough to quit smoking. Oh that and the press already rips on you, do you really want to give them fodder? The only thing that could make this picture worse would be an Ed Hardy tshirt.

In fact, instead of a warning label on a pack of smokes, just put the above pic. Let's be real, even *I* would be more afraid of being like Jon Gosselin than lung cancer, bad skin, nasty-smelling clothes, and smoker's cough combined.

Housewives of Orange County - tv recap

I was going to write this for a friend who moved to London but I figure i might as well share it for the world.

REcap of last night's Real Housewives Episode:

We're back to Lynn's Cuff Love jewelry showing which somehow only has 5 people despite it being at the St. Regis. And she says she stayed up till 4 in the morning to get ready. Really? 'Cause unless you were cleaning the hotel room too, there was nothing there that took all day to prepare.

Gretchen and Tamra are yelling at each other, Gretchen telling Tamra to shut her piehole to the press and Tamra telling Gretchen she's a whore.

Tamra and Vicki bail out, with Tamra wailing about how Gretchen was boning other dudes while Old Guy (why can i never remember his name?) was dying in the hospital. She yellsh ow Gretchen got $1.7mil after his death.

Gretchen on the other hand is like "uh i didn't get all this dough", so her and Slade have a garage sale (more to come on that, i skipped ahead).

Next day Gretchen says that she had to "unwind" after the St. Regis hotel incident so she called some friends over. Yeah, like you can spontaneously plan a tanning party with a whole spray-tan setup and food at the drop of a hat. Lynn goes over, and we're treated to her spray-tanning topless with Gretchen hold her hands over her boobs to shield her nipples or something. I'd say it was sexy, if Lynn's skin didn't look like the same leather used in her Cuff Love bracelets.

We also are treatedto Slade getting his spray tan on, wearing only a sock. He actually seems to treat her pretty well and I never watched the shwo when he dated the other 2 housewives. I will however say dude is a COMPLETE moron and a douche all in one.

Cut to Tamra and Vicki going to eat at Hannah's (in Rancho Santa Margarita if anyone cares..it's in the Entertainment Book...their food is so-so in my opinion) which was conveniently empty other than the 2 of them. Tamra's bitching about how they're upside down in their home, how they're probably going to have to sell it. You can hate Vicki all you want, but on her little side blurb she's like "Okay, you need money. So GET A JOB."

Oh Simon, Tamra's husband, is only selling tequila now...he's not doing the car sales thing anymore, which naturally Vicki had an opinion on. One that she didn't say to Tamra's face.

Jeana's last episode I thinkis next week, so we see her going budget shopping with her and her daughter at H&M at South Coast. The recession has hit all of these rich biotches really hard. (Although, i like Jeana and her daughter is the only one who's got half a brain). She's had to sell a few cars, watches, and artwork to afford her house. She tries selling this like 12mil house to some rich OC dude ($9mil if he wants it unfurnished). The best is Jeana's sales pitch: "You guys looked really good in that house". Apparently rich people buy homes that flatter their looks like a nice sweater.

Lynn goes to a plastic surgeon and is planning a facelift. Her "ugly" daughter is getting a nose job for her birthday. The "pretty" sister goes into a huge crying fit saying that she wishes everyone would stop changing, when you really realize she just wants someone to blow some dough on her. The "ugly" sister got a bmw the year before for her birthday. The best is the "pretty" sister's argument for why the "ugly" sister shouldn't get a nose job:
"last year mom and dad paid 10, 16, 20 thousand or whatever on that car of yours!"
If i were Lynn i'd say "uh honey, that was a $60k car...you know...if you're going to make an argument...."
(i'm taking an average here, since the bottom of the line BMWs start at $30-something K)

Apparently this whole episode is about how hard up everyone is except for Vicki. She, her mom, and her daughter go to Rome. Vicki needs 4 outfits a day: morning one, a pool one, a cocktail one, and a dinner one. Of which, her daughter was all "why can't your cocktail one be the same as the dinner one?". Their hotel is $540 a night, and it's not even as big as my bedroom. Vicki attempts to get the waiter as some restaurant to tell her what Italian wine she would like if she says which California wine she likes. Italians apparently don't give a sh*t about Californian wine (and they shouldn't).

Cut to Tamra in her palace...she no longer can afford $500 a month on a maid so now all the kids and her clean. There's one scene where two of the kids are fighting over who gets to clean the toilet (uh, do they want to come to my house? there's enough toilets so they ALL can clean one!). they get a real estate agent over, and they talk about how their "compromise" on some flooring was to get "shaker tile" which i've never even heard of. Sidebar of Tamra yakking about how her marriage isn't as good, how sad she is to give up the house where it was the first and only hosue they brought one of their babies home to after she gave birth, cue crying. (it was actually kind of touching, it was about the memories for her not the $$)

Gretchen and Slade have a garage sale, he lectures her about how to present and organize her "merchandise". No one shows up, i'm guessing because she lives in an area where the 6am mexican families aren't going to drive around (if so, they'd buy her stuff up like crazy, she had some good stuff! and they dont f*ck around when they bring their trucks...they're your #1 customer!) like gated Coto de Caza....or maybe she didn't put an ad up on Craigslist...or maybe it was like 3pm by the time she was done with it.

Finally...
We get the intro to The New Girl. I guess she'd be hot in real life, but I still say Gretchen is way hotter. This woman looks like she's 28-going-on-45. New Girl (NG), New Girls' Husband (NGH), Tamra, and Simon are out to dinner. It's a lot of mundane retarded chat that's supposed to make us believe Tamra and Simon have a sh*tty marriage whereas NG and NGH have some amazing loving one. NGH is beyond FUG so he must make bank.

next week there's one of those 'behind the scenes' or whatever they're called shows where that retarded guy who interviews the housewives at the end of the season gets them together for Jeana's going away interview. And we see that Vicki and NG don't get along, especially with Vicki telling the new girl "bring it!".

I lost a few brain cells to Bravo last night for sure.

Thursday, November 12, 2009

Glee - Defying Gravity

I'm so effing lazy these days, I'm even too lazy to gripe about how lazy I am.

Anyway, it's worth posting here how incredible Glee was last night. Everything from Finn sticking up to himself against Quinn, Puck being a stud and wanting to pay for his can't-admit-it's-mine baby, and the Diva Off between Rachel and Kurt.

Love love the song "Defying Gravity" from Wicked, here's the version played in the show, where Kurt throws the high F note on purpose.

Found online though, their own respective versions and Kurt's doesn't have voice falter in this one:

Original from the show (direct link)



Rachel-only version (direct link)



Kurt-only version (direct link)


If Rachel wasn't such an obnoxious character I'd begrudgingly admit that hers was still better.

Monday, October 26, 2009

IM with my mom: customer service edition

Damn,I'm SO my mother's daughter. This reminds me of the White House/Black Market dress incident with the dry cleaners.

(Pierre is my parents' neighbor, my cat accidentally got locked in their garage, he tried to bitch that his car had claws until my dad pwned him by telling him that Smokey is declawed.)

My_mom (9:49 AM): whats up, how was the weekend
Me (9:51 AM): it was okay. and yours?
My_mom (9:52 AM): ok, just a bit upset because of pierre saying whether we ever thought of putting smokey down

My_mom (9:52 AM): he doesnt look in good shape and limps
My_mom (9:52 AM): do u think he is in excrutiating pain because of his arthritis in right hip and knee?
Me (9:53 AM): well how bad is he limping?
My_mom (9:53 AM): like u saw him last time, it hasnt gone worse
Me (9:53 AM): He seemed fine. i would ask the vet if he's in pain, not Pierre.
My_mom (9:54 AM): sometimes he limps less, sometimes it bothers him more
My_mom (9:54 AM): still pierre shouldnt make such a suggestion, dad thought it was rude
Me (9:55 AM): yes it was.

My_mom (9:56 AM): so smokey was shut into their garage whole night, and jumped on their car, they checked it but luckily no scratches
Me (9:56 AM): ok
My_mom (9:57 AM): but they knew because smokey left paw prints all over... so dad said "we pay if he wants to have it washed professionaly"... pierre said "it's ok, he will just hose it down"

My_mom (9:57 AM): but if his limping gets worse, i might resort to free him of that pain,... what do u think?
My_mom (9:58 AM): it's an awful feeling having to do that, it would really be the last resort

Me (9:58 AM): ask the vet for his opinion on the pain.
My_mom (9:58 AM): remember when smokey was left by his last owner at that vet, why was he brought in to that vet?
My_mom (9:59 AM): i think it must have been that injury that is now hounding him
Me (10:00 AM): ok
My_mom (10:00 AM): ok what

My_mom (10:00 AM): it was a leg injury right?
Me (10:02 AM): i don't know. I don't remember.
My_mom (10:02 AM): well i remember u saying something of that nature
Me (10:02 AM): i always thought it was for his ears.
My_mom (10:02 AM): also in humans, injuries we get earlier in life return as arthritis in old age

My_mom (10:03 AM): no u said his paws or something
My_mom (10:03 AM): poor baby
My_mom (10:03 AM): but he has been a good boy in general, i dont just want to get rid of him like he was garbage now that he is old
Me (10:04 AM): then ask the vet.

My_mom (10:04 AM): i really want god to decide when its smokeys time
Me (10:05 AM): Okay then give him tons of pain medication and don't let him out at night anymore.
My_mom (10:06 AM): he doesnt go out at night, just a bit in the evening, then he is happy whole night at home

My_mom (10:06 AM): a bit in the morning and thats it
Me (10:07 AM): well it's enough to get him trapped somewhere.
My_mom (10:08 AM): he only stays around the house, doesnt go far anymore, those days are over
Me (10:09 AM): apparently not, since he just got locked into a garage.
My_mom (10:09 AM): well now we check making sure their garage door is closed, also they will now make doubly sure no cat is in there before closing
My_mom (10:10 AM): anyway, i talk to the vet again

My_mom (10:10 AM): if he starts limping harder, i think i might resort to the worst, but it will very hard to do and i will feel awful for a long time to come
My_mom (10:11 AM): had some problem with "weed man"
My_mom (10:11 AM): lawncare company
My_mom (10:11 AM): on thursday they had the aeration done on our lawn, even so i cancelled it a month earlier...
My_mom (10:12 AM): i made then one mistake i didnt write down the name of the woman on the phone...

My_mom (10:13 AM): but i know the day and timei told the service guy who came about it, he said there was no note of it on his papers. so i called the office after the aeration...
Me (10:13 AM): and...

My_mom (10:14 AM): asked to speak to the supervisor... some woman named cynthia came on (bet she even wasnt one)
My_mom (10:14 AM): i told her dad i had cancelled it and still someone came... told her day and time, but said i neglegted to write down the name of the girl i spoke to...
My_mom (10:15 AM): i have been with them vor 3 years now, always paid for any services and that woman cynthia was so rude when i said i wasnt going to pay for something i cancelled

Me (10:15 AM): So then don't pay.
My_mom (10:15 AM): she said flat out they will hand it over to the collection agency
My_mom (10:16 AM): i said........... u have just now lost a customer
Me (10:16 AM): You have to have agreed to something for that to happen. It's very easy. Heck, give me the number of them and I'll call. Did you sign something saying that they will come on that day and you'll pay it?

Me (10:17 AM): Just give me their info. I'll take care of it. They can't take it to a collection agency like that. It's very easy to fight.
Me (10:17 AM): Unless they actually did the service.

My_mom (10:17 AM): then i thought this woman couldnt have been a manager and i called back about an hour later and was told the highest person to talk was amanda blythe, left a message for her to call on friday and so far she hasnt called
My_mom (10:17 AM): well they did the service on thursday anyway, even so i cancelled
Me (10:18 AM): that could be a problem. But still, i would put it all in writing at this point. If it's all by phone, you can't prove that you disputed it.
Me (10:18 AM): And when you do it in writing, send it by certified mail.

My_mom (10:19 AM): on 21st sept. evenings someone called and asked whether we want the aeration done.. i said "ok".. the next day i called 22. sept. and said i want it cancelled... the girl there said ok and that was that. i thought all was ok
My_mom (10:19 AM): dad said... well they did perform a service, we want to have it done next year anyway, pay and never use them again

My_mom (10:20 AM): 79 $ isnt worth the hassle... point is "the way that cynthia person talked to me was unacceptable

My_mom (10:21 AM): i thought of writing a registered letter
My_mom (10:21 AM): to that amanda person, either doesnt care, or because the office staff knows about me and never left my message for her to call me on her desk
My_mom (10:21 AM): i strongly suspect that

My_mom (10:23 AM): because i called several times on friday, she is in a meeting, she is on the phone, she just stepped out for lunch... she doesnt call back without leaving a message
My_mom (10:23 AM): without someone leaving a message why she should call back
My_mom (10:23 AM): i said i want to talk to her myself
Me (10:26 AM): send a letter.

My_mom (10:27 AM): i write one and u have to correct it with your writing skills, ok?
My_mom (10:27 AM): do u agree with dad we should pay anyway?
My_mom (10:28 AM): even so i pay, i write to the better business bureau, chamber of commerce and the ottawa citizen
My_mom (10:28 AM): they have a corner in the newspaper for that
Me (10:29 AM): No, i wouldn't pay, but you should always get the name of who you canceled with. do you remember the date and approximate time of the call?

Me (10:29 AM): You need to reference that then at least.
My_mom (10:29 AM): i remember day and time
My_mom (10:29 AM): 22 september 2:30 p.m. approx.

My_mom (10:30 AM): after they put some top organic soil on our lawn
Me (10:30 AM): The date that you canceled, not the day they came out.
My_mom (10:30 AM): which again wanted to have done beginning november because of the falling leaves that need to be picked up

My_mom (10:31 AM): that is the day i cancelled... after the topsoil
My_mom (10:31 AM): 22. september
My_mom (10:32 AM): so they seem to do whatever they like, if it cant be done in november this guy who called to sell weed man services should have said so
My_mom (10:32 AM): we wanted the grass cleared from leaves first, then put that topsoil on

My_mom (10:33 AM): because with that topsoil dad can only to the raking now, using the leave blower-shredder is no good, it will suck in the topsoil too
Me (10:33 AM): if you have a date and time, then tell that to the manager and find out who was working the phones that day.
My_mom (10:33 AM): and i told her that and then i said i want to cancel the aireration

My_mom (10:34 AM): exactly
My_mom (10:34 AM): but they can all deny it

My_mom (10:34 AM): who knows maybe it was on file, but the girl didnt pass it on
My_mom (10:35 AM): and that cynthia could have easily erased it when i called so no proof is there and no one can be blamed
Me (10:35 AM): no, that's not hte point. Just make note of the name. Because they want to know if their employees are slacking off.
My_mom (10:35 AM): man i'm still so mad

My_mom (10:36 AM): what i will do is make a note of all this on paper while i still remember it all
Me (10:36 AM): ok
My_mom (10:36 AM): well i thought there was no need to, normally i do, big mistake to slacken off myself

My_mom (10:37 AM): that with the weed man, the vet with smokey and pierre thingie, made me so upset whole weekend
Me (10:39 AM): sorry
My_mom (10:40 AM): sigh
My_mom (10:40 AM): almost 2 and still no phone call

Me (10:42 AM): If you called Friday, on Monday most businesses are just to catch up from teh weekend and plan for the week. You won't get a call probably till Tues or Wed.
My_mom (10:42 AM): lets see, in the meantime i put everything in writing
My_mom (10:42 AM): so its all ready

My_mom (10:42 AM): c u later hugs
Me (10:43 AM): bye

Sunday, October 11, 2009

Why Kristen Stewart annoys me

This video nails EXACTLY why Kristen Stewart is annoying and can't act her way out of a paper bag. Her appeal reminds me of that of Mischa Barton in her OC days. Kristen better enjoy her Twilight fame now, 'cause she's not going much further than that.