An open blog to all guys out there not getting laid...
Sometimes you just gotta accept the reason you're alone at home on a Friday or Sat night is yourself.
A short while ago I ran into a guy I know who I used to think was a "great catch" but for some reason or other was still single. I hadn't seen him in quite a long time, which clearly gave him time to make himself as ineligible as possible to the opposite sex. We're talking scratching his ear, picking at his teeth, you name it, it was disgusting. SO...I must remind the male species some basic rules if they want to avoid cockblocking themselves.
Note: this also serves as a great time to re-iterate on an old post, Dec 5 2007 25 Things Every Guys Should Know.
1. Men should be MANLY. Think of all the things chicks do (whine, bitch, complain) and realize that you can't do those things. Whining is NOT manly. Ordering a salad for dinner? NOT manly.
2. That being said, being gross is NOT manly. It's just simply gross. Clean nails are a MUST. Listen, maybe you don't want to be busted going into a Happy Nails. Suck it up, many a guy gets a manicure. If you can take care of them yourself, great, but seriously make life easier and get that crap cleaned up by a professional (and by professional, I mean an asian chick who doesn't speak English but will yell out at you whether you want additional services. NO you do not want clear polish!).
That also means you do not pick at your teeth or clean your ears when a chick is around!
3. I seriously cannot stress enough the importance of knowing how to operate a BBQ. Nothing is more man than FIRE. It is man at his most man.
4. You cannot assume a penis of any size will compensate for your body. That's like us thinking that our vaginas will compensate for being out of shape and gaining 100lbs. If you want to attract a chick with a body of a 10, then you gotta make some changes too. NOW that being said you gotta think smart. Why do short guys always bulk up their upper body?! It makes them look SHORTER. Nothing is crappier for a chick than to see a guy who's calves are smaller than ours. And biceps don't mean jack if you didn't work out your shoulders.
So what's my point? Your penis won't compensate for a bad body, and you have the ability to work out individual muscles to think strategically.
Note: A penis wont' compensate for a bad body, but lots of money definitely will.
5. Don't be vegetarian. In fact, avoid being a picky eater. Picky eater = a chick thing. Guys are supposed to be willing to eat rotting fish that's turned green because they got drunk and their buddies dared them to eat it. Okay, I'll give every guy ONE "I won't eat X food". Now this isn't to be confused with foods that can't be consumed due to allergies or religion. This is your ONE "I just don't wanna eat it" food. Make it a good one, and stick with it. Otherwise we'll think you're one step away from ordering a pile of lettuce with no cheese and dressing on the side.
6. Pay for dinner on the first date. I know, I know, it goes against everything both genders stand for. There's really no rhyme or reason behind it, it is what it is. If you can't afford a $100 meal, then take her somewhere cheaper 'cause dude, you're paying for it. NOW...it's perfectly reasonable for the chick to pay for drinks later, or to pitch in for subsequent meals, I'm simply saying: be a man, suck it up, pay for dinner. (If she's a biotch and orders wine after wine after lobster, then you know never to ask her out to anything ever again which is a very good investment).
7. Don't be the douchebag who tucks in his turtleneck into his jeans. Just...don't.
8. Don't wear sleeveless shirts unless you're at the gym or playing some bball with buddies. If we want to see your biceps, will make efforts to say "oooh big muscles" and grab them ourselves. Don't throw your biceps in our face with your sleeveless shirts 'cause you know what? Odds are good that we'll compare yours to someone else's. Plus, it's just plain WT.
9. We certainly don't expect your place to look like it's straight out of Architectural Digest. But please, please: this isn't college. Stuff needs to match sorta. Tacky posters have gotta go. If you want to bring chicks over and get laid, repeatedly, then for real your place can't look like you won't change your sheets until you can take your laundry back home to your mom.
10. Remember, never drive these cars if you're a single straight guy: VW Jetta, VW Bug, Toyota Tercel, Honda Del Sol, Mazda Miata. You don't need to be rich, but if you've got 10k to spend on a car, a used mustang trumps a used tercel.
11. Chicks dig little pet names. Just test it out first...some chicks might freak out if you call her "babe" (author's opinion? as long as the pet name isn't "hey UglyKins", i'm okay with anything).
12. You need to balance out the beauty of a 5 o'clock shadow vs. knowing you're going to make out with a chick. We have girly sensitive skin. That's why you like us, we're soft and we smell good. Don't ruin our soft skin with your brillo pad of a face.
That's all i can think of for now, going to take a nap after this South Park episode (the Quest for Ratings episode...sexy action news!)
2 comments:
I think you forgot an important one:
"A guy should never talk about himself all night long. A girl likes a guy to ask her questions and he should pay attention and listen. Sure he should talk about himself but he shouldn't be pompous, so full of himself that the girl will be dating him and his huge ego."
Modesty counts for a lot, too much pride in oneself sounds against you.
This post is funny but such a chick thing. Why so many rules? Girls are horrible sometimes with freakin' rules. This ex of mine in college read a rules book and freaked out when I asked for $2 bucks when we rented a movie from Blockbuster. Her rule was the guys should pay for everything.
If a guy you're going to date needs to get advice from a blog posting he's probably not a guy you want to date.
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