I take credit cards, paypal, money orders, and CASH

Thanks to a wisecrack (but oh-so-true) comment from a friend, I've been thinking about how my behavior and values can be changed for money.

I've got no shame in my game: I can be purchased. And anyone who says they can't be is full of sh*t.

If someone offered you a million dollars for sex, would you say no? What if you had tons of medical bills and a sick child who needed specialized treatment? Yeah an hour or two of nakedness would seem like a Godsend.

Plus, if you have a job, then you're a whore for money. Again, if you say no...see if you would do that exact same work even if you didn't get paid (but your bills still magically got paid). If I had no bills, I certainly wouldn't be doing what I'm doing now.

(fyi: for the record, I'm grateful I'm employed. i'm just sayin', if I won the lottery, I wouldn't sit 8 hours a day at a desk)

I recall the day that my friend Erin and I wanted a Snapple from the dude at a highschool sports game who was selling them. He was also selling popcorn from one of those popcorn cart things. There was popcorn EVERYWHERE. We had no money (which is so dumb...I had money. I just didn't have money for Snapple. See the diff?) and begged the guy to let us have the snapple. He was like "hell no".
We begged. We pleaded. Jackass told us "okay, if you eat popcorn off the floor".
We looked down, and saw some popcorn wasn't totally smushed and black from footprints.
Needless to say, we were sold and ate the non-marred popcorn off the floor.
Needless to say, Jackass' jaw dropped.
Needless to say, we were handed a Snapple without a peep.

Would I do that now? Of course not. Popcorn from a vendor has too many calories :P

I'm also certainly not above begging for money. Again, my friend Erin and I in highschool were all about getting a muffin from the cafeteria once a day. I remember exactly how much they cost: 75 cents. When you bought 10 muffins, you got the next one free. So it was also all about filling up this card. So after we ate our lunch, almost every day, we did the trek around the cafeteria and rotunda to try and get 75 cents. You'd think this would be easy, but when you do this daily you can't hit up the same people. And when you live in a bus-centric city, kids aren't so quick to give up their change. I came up with the best strategy: ask for a nickel, a dime, a penny, because no one's going to be THAT cheap and say "sorry, I can't spare anything" when all you want is a NICKEL. Especially if you say "can I BORROW a nickel?" In highschool, when I was a teen, people wanted you to pay up if you owed a dollar. But a nickel? Never. It worked.

I'm not below begging.

If I weren't so freaked out by bugs, I could easily have been a contestant on Fear Factor (I'd lose anything involving physical strength but dang pay me a few grand to just sit in a box and have beetles poured on me). In the grand scheme, I hope that I can be purchased out of any fears. That's because my biggest fear is homelessness, and getting paid to deal with my other fears thus takes care of the biggest fear of all.

Then we have the concept of time vs. money. I was once offered $50 to drink a whole carton of KFC gravy. I actually love KFC gravy, I'll chug that crap over a milkshake any day. My problem was when I did the math of how many calories were in there, and how long it would take on the elliptical to burn it off, it came down to like $15/hour. Which just wasn't worth it to me at that point. I could easily work at In N Out and make that (well...$12 anyway).

The other day I was listening to the radio and some chicks called up saying how they saw an ad on Craigslist for a dude who wanted a chick to show up and kick him in the balls as hard as possible. $250. They went, she kicked him, he handed her the money. Then he said he'd pay again if she'd do that again if he wore his boxers. She said yes. She kicked him. He paid her. Guess what he suggested next? Oh c'mon now, you'll never guess...okay I'll tell you. He then offered more dough if she'd kick him in the balls...bareback. She declined and ran out.

If some creepy dude wanted to pay me FIVE bucks to kick him in the balls I'd do it in a snap. Moron should have just gotten fresh with a chick in a bar, he would have saved a few hundred bucks. Now would I have agreed to kick a dude in the balls if he were naked? No, but I also wouldn't have shown up by myself (she had her friend in the car waiting for her...eff that. I wouldn't go in alone!). But if I could convince a fearless/strong/fighter dude to show up with me for $100, then hellz yeah I would have kicked his wrinkly balls as hard as possible (and then I would slather hand sanitizer all over the tip of my boot) for $250.

Now while I would kick a naked creepy guy in the ballsack for $250, I would NOT eat bacon for $250. I may be a horrible Muslim, but I'm still Muslim enough to not eat pork, and $250 isn't worth it for me to risk the wrath in the Hereafter. yeah. I said it. Hereafter.
However for $20 thousand...yeah I can take my chances. I'm hoping God would understand a filthy dirty animal is worth the consumption if it pays off your car and can get you refinished kitchen cabinets.

Hmmm, I think I need to revisit this concept a bit more...maybe I can get a side gig by doing retarded things for the dough. The hamster in my head is spinning in his wheel....