I was going to write this for a friend who moved to London but I figure i might as well share it for the world.
REcap of last night's Real Housewives Episode:
We're back to Lynn's Cuff Love jewelry showing which somehow only has 5 people despite it being at the St. Regis. And she says she stayed up till 4 in the morning to get ready. Really? 'Cause unless you were cleaning the hotel room too, there was nothing there that took all day to prepare.
Gretchen and Tamra are yelling at each other, Gretchen telling Tamra to shut her piehole to the press and Tamra telling Gretchen she's a whore.
Tamra and Vicki bail out, with Tamra wailing about how Gretchen was boning other dudes while Old Guy (why can i never remember his name?) was dying in the hospital. She yellsh ow Gretchen got $1.7mil after his death.
Gretchen on the other hand is like "uh i didn't get all this dough", so her and Slade have a garage sale (more to come on that, i skipped ahead).
Next day Gretchen says that she had to "unwind" after the St. Regis hotel incident so she called some friends over. Yeah, like you can spontaneously plan a tanning party with a whole spray-tan setup and food at the drop of a hat. Lynn goes over, and we're treated to her spray-tanning topless with Gretchen hold her hands over her boobs to shield her nipples or something. I'd say it was sexy, if Lynn's skin didn't look like the same leather used in her Cuff Love bracelets.
We also are treatedto Slade getting his spray tan on, wearing only a sock. He actually seems to treat her pretty well and I never watched the shwo when he dated the other 2 housewives. I will however say dude is a COMPLETE moron and a douche all in one.
Cut to Tamra and Vicki going to eat at Hannah's (in Rancho Santa Margarita if anyone cares..it's in the Entertainment Book...their food is so-so in my opinion) which was conveniently empty other than the 2 of them. Tamra's bitching about how they're upside down in their home, how they're probably going to have to sell it. You can hate Vicki all you want, but on her little side blurb she's like "Okay, you need money. So GET A JOB."
Oh Simon, Tamra's husband, is only selling tequila now...he's not doing the car sales thing anymore, which naturally Vicki had an opinion on. One that she didn't say to Tamra's face.
Jeana's last episode I thinkis next week, so we see her going budget shopping with her and her daughter at H&M at South Coast. The recession has hit all of these rich biotches really hard. (Although, i like Jeana and her daughter is the only one who's got half a brain). She's had to sell a few cars, watches, and artwork to afford her house. She tries selling this like 12mil house to some rich OC dude ($9mil if he wants it unfurnished). The best is Jeana's sales pitch: "You guys looked really good in that house". Apparently rich people buy homes that flatter their looks like a nice sweater.
Lynn goes to a plastic surgeon and is planning a facelift. Her "ugly" daughter is getting a nose job for her birthday. The "pretty" sister goes into a huge crying fit saying that she wishes everyone would stop changing, when you really realize she just wants someone to blow some dough on her. The "ugly" sister got a bmw the year before for her birthday. The best is the "pretty" sister's argument for why the "ugly" sister shouldn't get a nose job:
"last year mom and dad paid 10, 16, 20 thousand or whatever on that car of yours!"
If i were Lynn i'd say "uh honey, that was a $60k car...you know...if you're going to make an argument...."
(i'm taking an average here, since the bottom of the line BMWs start at $30-something K)
Apparently this whole episode is about how hard up everyone is except for Vicki. She, her mom, and her daughter go to Rome. Vicki needs 4 outfits a day: morning one, a pool one, a cocktail one, and a dinner one. Of which, her daughter was all "why can't your cocktail one be the same as the dinner one?". Their hotel is $540 a night, and it's not even as big as my bedroom. Vicki attempts to get the waiter as some restaurant to tell her what Italian wine she would like if she says which California wine she likes. Italians apparently don't give a sh*t about Californian wine (and they shouldn't).
Cut to Tamra in her palace...she no longer can afford $500 a month on a maid so now all the kids and her clean. There's one scene where two of the kids are fighting over who gets to clean the toilet (uh, do they want to come to my house? there's enough toilets so they ALL can clean one!). they get a real estate agent over, and they talk about how their "compromise" on some flooring was to get "shaker tile" which i've never even heard of. Sidebar of Tamra yakking about how her marriage isn't as good, how sad she is to give up the house where it was the first and only hosue they brought one of their babies home to after she gave birth, cue crying. (it was actually kind of touching, it was about the memories for her not the $$)
Gretchen and Slade have a garage sale, he lectures her about how to present and organize her "merchandise". No one shows up, i'm guessing because she lives in an area where the 6am mexican families aren't going to drive around (if so, they'd buy her stuff up like crazy, she had some good stuff! and they dont f*ck around when they bring their trucks...they're your #1 customer!) like gated Coto de Caza....or maybe she didn't put an ad up on Craigslist...or maybe it was like 3pm by the time she was done with it.
Finally...
We get the intro to The New Girl. I guess she'd be hot in real life, but I still say Gretchen is way hotter. This woman looks like she's 28-going-on-45. New Girl (NG), New Girls' Husband (NGH), Tamra, and Simon are out to dinner. It's a lot of mundane retarded chat that's supposed to make us believe Tamra and Simon have a sh*tty marriage whereas NG and NGH have some amazing loving one. NGH is beyond FUG so he must make bank.
next week there's one of those 'behind the scenes' or whatever they're called shows where that retarded guy who interviews the housewives at the end of the season gets them together for Jeana's going away interview. And we see that Vicki and NG don't get along, especially with Vicki telling the new girl "bring it!".
I lost a few brain cells to Bravo last night for sure.
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