This is an absolutely brilliant article:
Baby makes 3: How kids rattle friendships
Not that it's written well, but that it raises a HUGE point: when chicks get pregnant, they typically become part of this Mom Club and all the other women are not included.
“It's as if they became incapable of doing anything that didn't fit their ideal of what a mommy should be and do. It just became too much effort and I began to ask what am I getting from these friendships? What am I giving? Then I realized we just grew apart. So it was time to find new friends.”
As lives evolve, so do priorities. Some childless women complain their friends with children turn into mommy machines — always wanting to talk about their babies and resembling very little of their former fun selves.
I know we all say that we'll never be like that, but I wonder...why do most women get like that?! I have to give mad props to my friend Christine in Ottawa and my coworker Kelly...they've both managed to not be typical moms...don't get me wrong, I hear the baby stuff but they never go into excessive detail and they still are big on maintaining their individual identities. My other friend Betsy constantly reminds me of how wonderful NOT having a baby is...which I owe big time, because other moms make you feel like your life is meaningless without a child.
The last time I visit home, Christine said something amazing (when I was shocked that she wanted to go to a bar with me): "Kids aren't your life...they ENHANCE your life"...and even better, when her husband said "are you driving?" I thought he was going to ask me to come home early because of the twins...instead he said "make sure she gets sh*tfaced drunk"...fabulous!
It's not that i have any problems hearing about baby stuff. It's that there's a select few things that I want to hear about. I love that I can bug Kelly about all the bizarre changes that happens to a chick's body. Or that Christine showed me how crazy powerful the breast pump was and let me stick that thing to my stomach to fool around with it. THAT stuff is funny, entertaining, and childless people don't mind hearing it.
What i DO hate hearing, and please shoot me if I get like this:
a) how Baby did something crazy basic. I get it. Y our baby climbed up stairs. Since I've been doing that for a looong time now, i have no thrill in it. I don't even care when they say their first words. You knew it was gonna happen eventually. In fact, tell me when they CAN'T talk...'cause then there's problems.
b) Don't tell me about how Baby had a cold, had a fever, had whatever. My cat's got a runny eye right now and needs eyedrops, i'm not boring you with those details.
c) PLEASE dont' tell me how the doctor or daycare teacher said your kid is overly bright for their age, how your kid is more advanced than others at reading or whatever...because EVERYONE says that. Your kid is average. And just 'cause your kid can read the Wall Street Journal at 5 doesn't mean he's gonna be a doctor (it's not like your kid is fully UNDERSTANDING the wall street journal). When he becomes a doctor, THEN we'll talk.
d) Please spare me the pregnancy details of how much something is dialated. I'll be honest with you: I have no idea what that means. One day, hopefully, I will. But when I do, i'm not going to tell people what I was 'cause i know guys have no idea what being dialated means, and a good chunk of chicks don't either. Nor do they care.
e) Please don't tell me your kid's age in exact months when they're past 6 months. 4 months, yes. 16 months, no. WTF is that? Just say 2. Or one and a half. Whatever. I'm not doing math, i'm just trying to be polite by asking, I don't want to know the exact frickin' details.
f) Please spare me the endless emails with a trillion photos. I like getting them, and I love keeping up to date, but I don't need 20 jpegs showing yer baby with her new shoes. One or two is sufficient. I like your baby, so please don't make me get annoyed with the excessive talk.
g) Please don't give me emails/phone calls saying "And then daddy took Baby to the park"..."daddy" has a frickin' name. He's not MY daddy, so calling him Mike or John i fine, I know he's the father of your child.
Okay that's my ranting. I'll give everyone a bit of leeway, but seriously after awhile...the mom's club thing gets old. If your day was spent with teh baby, i'll TOTALLY be there to listen to the griping and all that (complaining I can handle if it's truly a nightmare), but I don't want to spend all day yakking about how cute your baby's bow is. Let's pretend you have some resemblance of a personality that shows you still like tv, movies, clothes, makeup (even if you never get to wear it), politics, ANYTHING....
And...this also means that people can call me on this crap if I get like this down the road. A single punch in the face will be sufficient.
3 comments:
I liked the article, too, and feel it can also be applied to married women. My relationships with all of my girlfriends changed when they got married--and I remained single. I know some of it is jealousy on my part, and some of it is just that married women have different concerns, responsibilities, lives, etc. But it does seem that women in the "Married Mofia" are common and it can be just as difficult on a friendship when someone gets married as when someone has a baby. Dang...life just pretty much sucks if you're standing still and everyone else is moving forward.
I hear ya Carrie, I'm finding it increasingly hard to relate to the married couples at times, it's the same thing with those that are buying homes. Yup, I rent, yup I spend more on rent than most do on a mortgage and some of the discussions around home building are interesting, especially on when the builder is screwing up but I could really care less about the debate your husband or wife had over tile, cupboard, flooring choices. I'll take your word for it and when it's built; throw a housewarming party so we can all check it out and admire your good or bad taste. :)
When it gets to kids, I love them, I'd love to have one of my own, maybe even two and I don't mind going to house parties where the kids can all play but it would be nice to have an adult conversation where I don't have to mind my p's and q's. :)
I think those of us that sit in the single-camp and those of us that sit in the married-camp envy each camp... Yup, the grass is always green on the other side. :) I don't go out as often as I do in part because there aren't many to go out with anymore and to a large degree I'm more concerned about not blowing my salary on booze. (Sure, once in a blue moon).
I remember the time that you were up here Sabina and we went out and I remember Christine coming with us and I had a blast. I'd love to do it again actually, get everyone out and maybe not go all crazy like we did back when you folks were in university but spend a few hours out at night laughing.
On the plus side, not having the priorities/responsibilities that our married friends does afford us the chance to do more spontaneous things and we can do it without packing the mini-van. :)
See Now I am a sponteous, married woman of 10 year, houseowner w/o children!!!
See i have always tried to make my single friends not feel so um different. But then again my marriage is different then most. I love to go out and do stuff and well my husband is kind of anti-social.
I do see the kid thing though. The few friends I have had that have had children are all different once they have that obligation.
I guess its all how you try and work on it.
Post a Comment