Be warned: this is gonna be graphic. You're going to squirm. Maybe. I don't know. I haven't written it yet. All i can say is that it's DEFINITELY going to fall under the category of Too Much Information. If you don't want to read about women's gonads, skip this post.
Every year I'm very diligent about getting my girly checkups from the doctor...if there's any area I want to keep intact, it's "down there". This year
was no exception.
Fast forward 2 months later...I get a call from my doctor saying that there's some abnormal cell crap going on. This was at like 7pm at night and I was driving around Lake Forest trying to find a house 'cause I was buying something off a chick from Craigslist, so I was a bit out of it when she was trying to explain this to me.
Finally I had to pull into a parking lot and stop the car. I was like "but...but...I always get checked...but..." and she told me I would need a colposcopy because they want to make sure it's not cervical cancer.
So I look this whole "colposcopy" thing online, and it seems pretty simple and (allegedly) the same pain level as a regular pap. Since regular pap smears don't hurt at all, i didn't think much of it (I mean, you feel like an a-hole laying down with your knees spread out and your feet in stirrups, but it's not PAINFUL.)...
Uhhh...riigghtt....
My first mistake was working through lunch so I could do the colposcopy late in the afternoon and then come back to work. BIG BIG mistake.
I get there and the nurse tells me waht's gonna happen. And...here's what DID happen:
1. I had to be in a big special room, not a normal room like they use for pap smears.
2. Doc puts in the usual contraption they use for pap smears. That thing that looks like a stork's beak. I can't remember wtf those things are called but you get the point.
3. This bizarre solution on a gauze pad had to be rammed up inside, up against the cervix, to get skin samples and to clean up the area. This was part 1 of the bleeding...it hurt like a mofo and it's a bit alarming to see a doctor put a cloth with your blood in a jar full of solution.
4. Doc gets a colposcope, which is like a combo microscope plus lamp, and looks deeeep inside to scope out which areas have abnormal cells.
5. Doc then CUTS out the areas on the cervis with the abnormal cells and puts them in a different container with solution.
I've felt alot of pain in my life...i've had brutal ear infections, i've had a brazillian wax, i've burned myself on lord knows what, i've slashed my hand with a huge ass knife...when i was getting that fixed the doctor even commented to kraig that i've got a crazy huge tolerance for pain...ummm yeah. Getting 2 chunks of skin cut off your cervix
is the craziest pain i've ever felt. It's not that it was so horrible as much as just...BIZARRE...it's like someone's set your internal organs on fire. To be honest, I imagine it would feel alot like if someone squeezed a dude's nuts super duper hard.
6. Think it's over yet? ohhh...no...
Then this brown goo that looks like slimy peanut butter has to be applied across the cervix to make sure everything heals (sort of like a liquid bandaid if you will). It was like pouring battery acid all over the exposed flesh.
7. FInally all the instruments are taken out of me...
My take-home instructions said I couldn't have anything inside me for 2 weeks (which includes penises and tampons) and that peanut butter stuff would come out of me in black chunks so I had to wear a pantyliner immediately after the procedure ...
Now this is the part where I remind you, the disgusted reader, that this was all during my delayed lunch break...and I actually went back to work. First off, i just felt lousy...I've been molested with a camera probe before (that was for when I did the egg donation thing, which didn't pan out since they couldn't easily find my right ovary, only AFTER the rape-age of the camera occurred), but this was like...ick factor. And my stomach had super bad cramps, like when you drink a ton of water while playing sports.
The worst pain came days later, when my period started. First off, PADS. WTF. How 70s is that? Who the eff wears pads in this day and age?! If that's not straight up Judy Blume, I don't know what is. Secondly, the cramping was out of control (I never cramp during my period). I wanted to keel over and die. Well okay that's a bit much, but it was extremely uncomfortable.
A week later I had to go back for the result of the biopsy on my precious cervical skin tissue...got regular pap smear so they could scope it all out taht it was healing properly (it was), and the results are: YAY i'm A-OK!!! I gotta get regular pap smears every 4 months for a year to make sure the abnormal stuff doesn't eventually turn into cancer, but no more colposcopies!! Yaaayyyy!
3 comments:
Your crain thing is called a speculum.
To be honest, I imagine it would feel alot like if someone squeezed a dude's nuts super duper hard.
Oh hell NO... I have had a lot of injuries, cuts, burns, tears, and breaks in my lifetime... but nothing compares to anything happen to your nuts. That's up there with the pain of child birth or cutting your own arm off with a pocket knife.
Ahhh so you've had skin cut from your cervix without any numbing at all? And then stuff smushed up against the raw skin? And then your period starting, thus forcing more irritation?
I know the nuts thing is crazy bad, but I'll bet that htat mountain climber guy who had to cut off his arm would say that cutting his arm was MUCH worse than that time he got kicked in the nuts by a chick...
I'm not saying that getting your nuts whacked isn't painful...i'm saying, until you've had your CERVIX chopped up, don't tell me there's no way it's the same.
I don't have a cervix... n' you don't have nuts, so we will never know, and I bet the dude would gladly cut off one of his legs so that he wouldn't get bootkicked in the nuts.
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