I have all the social poise of a cow in heat

You know those girls who seem so put together, flawless, like they know what they're doing?

Sadly, I'm not one of them.

I became acutely aware of this in highschool..our homeroom was on the 2nd floor, and one of my best friends/locker neighbor was Erin...crazy tall, but she used to be a ballerina...running up the stairs to get to homeroom on time, I always tripped. Not once did she ever trip. We're talking slippery, slushy, full-on-winter-liquid-slathered-on-the-floor going on here and she never tripped.

You know Ugly Betty? That's pretty much me on a daily basis. Clumsy and awkward.

I rarely ever talk about work in this blog (because so many people get busted for that stuff), but I'm pretty sure that what I"m going to write won't get me in trouble.

About a year ago my company repainted and spruced up the bathrooms...the cleaning people crammed a ton of paper towels in the paper towel holder, and in the process of trying to grab some out the whole thing smashed onto my FACE. I came out all bewildered, Caroline looked at me and was like "WTF happened to you?", and I was so flustered I half laughed half cried and my forehead became the size of a golfball...soon she started laughing, i'm laughing/crying still, and everyone in the department is like "how retarded do you have to be to injure yourself from a paper towel dispenser?!"...

Even take last night. Some women are smart and get their hair fabulously dyed by their stylist. Um yeah not me. 2 weeks before my wedding in a freak moment of insomnia i attempted to give myself highlights with disastrous results (thank God i wore my hair up). You' dthink i would have learned. Last night was spent running between the bathroom and the TV (South Park) in Highlight My Own Hair, v2.0...it says in the instructions not to do it too close to the scalp because the heat intensifies the color there...did Sabina listen? Nope, i was like "wtf they dont' know what they're talking about"...

I woke up this morning and now i've got GOBS of random brassy red all over my head. Yeah, I'm bringing sexyback.Back to loserville maybe.

Then today...since the downstairs hot water thingy doesn't work and i'm too lazy to go upstairs to get hot water for my Tazo Tea, my Diet Pepsi consumption has grown exponentially. I keep a case at my desk 'cause most of the time I end up wiping the vending machine dry. So today I went to my car and brought back another 12 pack, and i smacked a pen into the cardboard case to help rip open the box....

Uhhh Einstein over here punctured a can of diet pepsi...I scream, pepsi flies everywhere...i open the fridgepack, find the can that i punctured, and start sucking soda straight from the hole. (Yes, Caroline was like "you are officially addicted now, you realize that:)...there was soda ALL around myd esk. Plus the soda was warm from being in the car.

To quote something my childhood friend Christine once said (not about me, but it works in this example): I have all the grace and poise of a cow in heat.

I realize this was the year I was going to be refined and elegant. I have failed, failed, failed miserably at this.

Yesterday I went to the chiropractor for teh first time ever (note: i'm slouching wayyy down as I type...suck it). My workstation is all screwed up and in turn, it's impacted my posture and my spine, which is duly noted to have very narrow shoulders and basically being built like a midget. So dude says that if we go crazy adjusting me for a short time, it'll be okay, as opposed to years and years and years of visits like most people seem to need.

Have you ever been adjusted? It was crazy. I mean, i had my neck done once by an ex bf's sister, but that was NOTHING. First they zapped electricity through my muscles which freaked the hell out of me, then he put me in random poses and he'd lean all close and smush me to make me crack. At one point when he was leaning over me to crack (uhhh adjust) my back, my brain was all "hey, buddy, maybe you should buy me dinner first"...I am NOT a touchy feely person with anyone, I have a hard enough time holding Kraig's hand (yes, lord help any man who's with me...you know the scene in Clueless where Cher walks up to the school and talks about how high school guys are like dogs and this dude jumps up to hug her and she SHOVES him off and screams "ewww, get OFF of me!"...that's me), so for a dude to lean over and get all close while making my bones crack is a little uncomfortable in terms of my personal space bubble being invaded.

Anyway, the moral of the story is...some girls have grace, poise, and walk into a women being perfectly ladylike and respectable...sadly, I have zero of these traits.