With glowing hearts we see thee rise

So I'm finally getting off my ass to apply to be a US citizen.

Just finding the right frickin' form on the UCIS Web Site is a pain in the ass. But, in case anyone cares, it's N-400.

I forgot just how painful filling out immigration paperwork is. It's "beat me with yo mama's rolling pin" painful.

First off, here's my race options:
White
Asian
Black or African American
American Indian or Alaskan Native
Native Hawaiian or Other Pacific Islander

Ummm, where's my "other" box?! WTF.

Now check this out...the Hair Color options:
Black
Brown
Blonde yes with the E at the end which isn't WRONG but not very common
Gray
White
Red
Sandy
Bald (No Hair)

WTF is "sandy" if it's not blond? Do they mean Salt/Pepper? And if you're bald, don't you KNOW that means no hair?!

Your eye options...this is seriously awesome:
Brown
Blue
Green
Hazel
Gray
Black
Pink
Maroon
Other

Oh wait...i can't be "other" for race but there's another COLOR OPTION for your effing eyes available?! Have you ever seen someone with MAROON or PINK eyes?! Other...uhhh...is orange an option?! WTF!

And then there's Section 7...Time Outside The United States:
a) How many total days did you spend outside of the United States during the past 5 years?

WTF! If you're not a naturalized citizen, odds are, that number's pretty high! I've gone to Canada a few times and the Bahamas, wtf like i know the exact number.

b)List below all the trips of 24 hours or more you have taken outside of the United States since becoming a Lawful Permanent Resident
Fortunately, since I got my green card, I've only traveled once (last summer), but i couldn't tell you to save my soul the EXACT dates I was gone for...i guess if I scope out my American Airlines account i could find it...but if i had to list out all the trips from the past 5 years, i'd be screwed.

There's a TON of questions about my previous spouse...just as many as my current spouse. You get to list out how the "previous marriage" ended, either by Divorce, Spouse Died, or Other (how many other ways are there? Annulling it? And...?)...

In Section 10, it asks Do you have any title of nobility in any foreign country?
as well as
Have you ever been declared legally incompetent or been confined to a mental institution within the last five years?
and
Have you EVER been a member of or in any way association (either directly or indirectly) with
c. A Terrorist Organization?

And at least that last question narrows out the idiots too dumb to get citizenship....


12. Between March 23, 1933 and May 8, 1945, did you work for or associate in any way (either directly or indirectly) with
a. The Nazi government of Germany
.
.
c. Any German, Nazi, or S.S. military unit, paramilitary unit, self-defense unit, vigilante unit, citizen unit, police unit, government agency or office, extermination camp, concentration camp, prisoner of war camp, prison, labor camp or transit camp?

Mannnn...if you gotta say yes to any of that stuff, just rip up your application. WTF is a "vigilante unit"? Makes me think of dirty guys in western movies.

Then we get to the Good Moral Character section of the form (I kid you not), which is mostly about criminal history crap. But it also says:
22. Have you EVER:
a) been a habitual drunkard
(i'm sorry, i can't stop laughing...you had to define "bald" but "habitual drunkard" is THAT self explanatory?!)

b)Been a prostitute or procured anyone for prostitution?
....
d) Been married to more than one person at the same time?


Good times, good times...

And it gets better...Oath Requirements:
Answer questions 34 through 39. If you answer NO to any of these questions, attach 1) your written explanation why the answer was NO and 2) any additional information or documentation that helps explain your answer.
34. Do you support the Constitution and form of government in the United States?
35. Do you understand the Oath of Allegiance to the United States?
36. Are you willing to take the full Oath of Allegiance to the United States?
37. If the law requires it, are you willing to bear arms on behalf of the UNited States?
38. If the law requires it, are you willing to perform noncombatant services in the US Armed FOrces?
39. If the law requires it, are you willing to perform work of national importance under civilian direction?

Now I'm all for being a US Citizen...but geezus, i really would like to have a chat with the people who create these forms....