The weekend....

So, the weekend...

Side note: why do guys argue with me about fabric and animals used to make clothing?!? I used to have to memerize fabric crap in a previous lifetime...YES that Alpacaa was skinned in order to make that rug they did not sheer it because tehre's nothing for those clumps to stick to....wtf.

So Sat night we got hooched up (yeah I didn't get dressed up in a costume. I'm officially DONE with Vegas, which is another rant i'll bitch about after this, but i got dolled up and said my costume was Sabina Circa Age 21), walked over to Ballys where Tony and all them were...

My pics from Shutterfly (for some reason the ordering and captions aren't showing up so suck it)
Link to Tony's pics, he's frickin' hilarious

Went for dinner with some of the crew (Me, Kraig, Tony, Rena, Leeway, Ryan, Alex, Jen, and their friends Sri and his wife)....after that we went back up to their room for them to get dressed, Ryan and his crew bailed on going to the strip club with us so it was me, Kraig, Tony, Rena, Alex, Jen, Joel, Heidi, and their friends Mike and Christine.

Got a free limo ride there, but the funniest part was Tony rolling down his window and yelling out...i knwo personally when I see a limo I expect to see someone kinda dressed up inside...everyone in the other cars were DYING laughing....because Tony was dressed as the Swedish Chef (muppets) and would yell out "BORK BORKY BORK BORK!"...i think one cab driver almost drove off the road laughing so hard.



We get there and got a booth (which required $300 to buy loads of liquor), and i'm dying because the angle I was at, I was pretty much right next to whoever was one booth over, which was 99% of the time an old creepy guy with some chick who looked so doped up (or bored, same diff)...i was DYING laughing....I mean, this one chick was killing me because she had the same stupid routine, and i'll be honest with you...
a) these chicks did NOT have good bodies
b) they gave HORRIBLE lap dances.

I mean, REALLY bad. I've given better lap dances, and yeah I know they do this stuff all the time but dang $20 for a stupid song, trust me I'll earn that penny....

Anyway so we're dying becuase most of the chicks were so nasty, like one chick looked WAY too much like Jim Carrey on In LIving Color when he played that bodybuilder ugly chick....


Tony kept saying it would make his night if I got a lap dance, so he paid for me to get one...I randomly picked this crazy lady...i mean, CRAZY. She looked at him and was all "You're a chef, and I've got cupcakes!" (grabbing her boobs), which i think became the tag line for the night.

As for the lap dance...
It was the most horrible thing EVER.
Apparently everyone ELSE thought it was effing hilarious, but I honestly was almost in hysterics CRYING it was so horrific!

First off, I wasn't really paying attention, so I turn around all of a sudden it's like "whoa! There's boobs in my face!" and then she smushes them against my face and I could see Kraig and Tony ot of the corner of my eye laughing their asses off...

Let me tell you a little something...boobs are NOT pleasant. At all. I"ve never had one pressed against my face and I have no desire to ever again. The texture was NASTY, like an old nerf ball or something. I"m going to puke just thinking about it.

Then she starts rubbing my arms and keeps telling me how good I smelled (I was wearing Estee Lauder Intuition for Men...omg i love that stuff), which doesn't say much since 99% of the guys there clearly needed a shower. She kept saying it over and OVER...like dang, okay i get it, i smell good, which is fortunate because I think even now the smell of cigarette smoke is STILL in my hair.

So i'm still sitting there mortified and everyone's laughing and then she grabs my face and tells me i'm adorable and how innocent I am, and how I"d make bank in the VIP room.

I don't care if someone tells me i can make bank by drinking vomit, if it involves money i'm all ears

Typical me, I'm all "oh really? What's the VIP room? What the deal?" and she said I guess that because I'm so innocent (hey i'll take that, compared to a stripper in vegas? Effing right i'm innocent), that I could make $600 an hour in the VIP room. I'm like "dayam....."....

So the song is almost over, she flips herself around and grinds her ass in my crotch (sorry for the visuals but at this point I practically needed kleenex for my crying), and then that was it...The sad part was that I wasn't even buzzed yet at that point...no sober chick should ever have to endure crazy naked lady ever! Friends don't let friends do that!

Since it was Tony's birthday, we kept trying to get him a lap dance so he agreed that if ANYONE could guess who he was, he'd get a lap dance from her. Um yeah...these girls couldn't even guess he was a CHEF. I mean, we heard some seriously bizarre guesses. Eventually the one hot chick in the place guessed "chef boyardee" which was close enough...

After that Tony got a lap dance from the ONE hot chick, I kind of wish I had had her 'cause she really was pretty and probably wouldn't have made me feel like she was going to EAT me or something. This chick was CRAZY. Short blond hair, she kept JUMPING on him, at one point his chair slid all the way back. Kraig was like "she's f*cking earning her money!" (i think his eyes almost popped out of his head)...thing is, it was the funniest thing ever because Tony was wearing his Swedish Chef outfit and he kept touching his face to make sure his eyebrows weren't falling off and his expression was nothing short of "EEEEEEEEK!!!!"...

Insert some more drinking (I didn't get drunk, just buzzed, att his point Kraig had like ONE drink...)..so i turn to the girls and tell them that after having boob in my face we needed to scope out the guys.

Now for Norm who i'm guessing (and hoping) has never been upstairs at OG, the layout is way different...it's nto like you've got mulitiple stages, it's just one big catwalk-type stage and the booths for lapdances all around. THere's a REASON it's a big stage...those boys work hard.

I mean, REAL hard.

In case you're wondering (I was...i've never been to a men's strip club before), then men strip down to this little thing that's a cross between a sock on their shlong and a g-string. You can tell which ones stuffed them and which ones didn't.

I seriously can't stress enough how hard these boys work. The ceiling is a bit lower, so they could do crazy handstands on chairs and have their feet touch the ceiling...

There weren't that many chicks there at that point, and seriously our little group (me, rena, Heidi, Jen, and Christine) were probably the best looking ones there...i felt bad for those guys. I really did.

One dude got "naked" but he was wearing kneepads, and I'm like "wtf lazy bastard needs kneepads?"....oh there was method to his madness...he basically slid around the floor, on his knees, pretty much humping hte floor...i don't know how he did what he did, but all us chicks pretty much had our jaws to the floor...like...wow...

I didn't plan on handing out ones...but somehow between me and Heidi, I think we went broke.

Rena got a lapdance (thanks to Jen), and it was in her chair RIGHT next to me so i would look on stage and scream in shock, or turn my head and look at Rena and scream in shock....they are a THOUSAND times more touchy feely in the men's section than the chick section, like massive gropage going on...

So one dude came over (he was this insanely hot black guy), and right off the bat I was like "i'm out of cash" and he kept saying "it's okay, i'll do it for free" and i was like "no, really, I saw the tv shows you guys need to make cash constantly or move on!" and he kept telling me to shut up...so he took me to a booth and i got my "naked" guy lap dance (which also had me screaming in shock), the guy was uh a little too touchy feely (considering i didn't know his NAME) but it was so frickin' funny....there was a bit more, but since I do have a husband who probably wouldn't want me going into too much detail, i'll leave it at that...

I get back to the girls, and we're still all chillin'...this one dude had your typical blond Chippendales look (like long hair, etc)...he was SO nasty...when will guys learn that chicks for the most part like 'em clean cut, shaved, all that stuff?

Eventually we go back down...and during that time we were gone, my husband had spent a small fortune on lap dances for everyone and he was DRUNK. I mean, PLASTERED. The last time he was that plastered was on our wedding night. I was like "wtf I leave you alone for a few minutes and this is what happens?"...apparently his lap dance was with "wonder woman", whatever that means...i was so bummed though 'cause there was this one chick with freakishly large boobs (i mean, larger than a basketball each) and Alex got her, i would have DIED to see that...

Yadda yadda, by the end of the night we get up to go, and Rena's carrying poor Kraig out...we took a separate cab since we were at a different hotel, after the incident with my coworker on our GNO puking in the cab I was terrified that Kraig would...fortunately, it was all good...

Anwyay to wrap up this long LONG blog, he spent the rest of the night hurling up for hours (on the floor, on the counter, and sometimes in the toilet even) so i'm still massively backlogged on sleep from that night.

And i still stand by my claim that most chicks can do (and have) better lap dances and stripteases than those girls...and that boobs on one's face feel effing NASTY.