Blade Trinity

Yeah yeah, I know, the movie's been out for like...ever. But I had this bad feeling about it, and I love LOVED loved the first one, kinda liked the second one...I just didn't want the memory to be bastardized.

Then a coworker told me to watch it, so finally, I Netflixed it.

OH
MY
GOD

That's 2 hours of my life i'll never get back. What a horrible, horrible movie.

Let's go through the list:

1. Yeah mother effer, I know it's supposed to take place in the US. But I hate when moviemakers get sloppy (like Dawn of the Dead...supposed to be in like Wisconsin or something and then they show them eating out of a PFK bucket...That's Poulet Frit Kentucky...aka KFC...only in Canada would you see that...when Blade is chasing that Drake guy PLEASE don't tell me that that was the cool name to give Dracula, he's jumping buildings and one is an abandoned type building...it has the faded logo of another company...that was a HUGE ASS "The Bay" sign (for anyone not in the know: The Bay = Hudson's Bay Company, kind of like the Canadian version of JCPenney).

2. They needed to get that Drake guy's blood, but initially Blade is all fighting and shooting at him...and silver stuff makes them turn to ashes...so why would you risk that when you need the blood so bad?

3. I have serious issues with the excessive use of Apple equipment. I get it. Jessica Biel likes her iPod. I get it. You can make playlists so easy, even when you're about to go slay some vampires. I get it. And i highly doubt that EVERYONE doing underground covert vampire missions would have a ton of Macs...granted maybe ONE for designing stuff, but like that one dude who was supposed to be an uber nerd...i'd like to think he'd have something other than a friggin' Mac...like some modded Dell or something!

4. And on that same note, this applies to 99% of all movies out there: your computer doesn't make a high pitched "digital" noise when it's bringing up info or searching or Closing-Down-Because-I-Typed-In-A-Simple-7-Character-Emergency-String...that drives me SO crazy. I really keep meaning to make a list of all the movies that don't do stupid stuff like that...maybe it was okay in 1985, but geezus enough people get the idea of how computers work...Heck i remember seeing a movie where they used Yahoo as a search engine (and i was so happy they weren't using a Mac), but it STILL did that stupid digital-search-ding noise when it searched! WTF people!

5. Umm the virus is a true vampire virus...i'm pretty sure it needed to be spread a wee bit better than it did in the movie. I have no faith that vampires were wiped out, because i'm pretty sure the virus was just contained within the building since the vampires didn't exactly go running outside, where other vampires could then get the virus and pass it on. Retarded.

6. If you were a vampire, would you REALLY be wearing white shirts all the time? I mean, blood stains people...basically they wore crisp white shirts that had to be thrown out each day. And specifically, that Drake guy...c'mon dude. You and I both know that you're a sloppy eater...it's not like you can walk into Macy's and get yourself a new shirt.

7. And speaking of...he goes into that goth store, and makes a bloody mess (ha ha bad pun) when attacking hte chick, but when he's chowing on Parker Posey's neck, not even a hint of blood around his mouth.

I really hate when moviemakers eff up their credibility.

8. On that same note...Ryan Reynolds and Triple H are fighting for like, hours, in a room filled with broken glass...and not a single scratch. NOT ONE. Didn't anyone see Die Hard? Remember how jacked up Bruce Willis' feet were?! Exactly. Heck, considering they just use sugar to make those "windows"...even hardened sugar would at least SCRATCH you.

9. We all know the blind chick is the alcoholic actress from American Pie. That's like when they try casting Tara Reid in smart girl roles. It's just not happening.

10. This is more out of pity really...when Blade came out, techno music was still super huge...but now it just seems kind of dated to hear techno music during fight sequences.

Sigh. 2 hours of my life wasted. 2 hours of my wrinkles getting deeper and worse.

Speaking of, i really REALLY need to get back to selling my crap on ebay, so at least i can start a Botox fund...after Stefanie said her sister got it done, i'm way inspired.

Speaking of excessive use of the word "way"....must by Clueless Whatever Edition asap.