divorce crap

So I’ve been looking into this, and one of they key problems with the stats is that they’re measure number of people who get married in X year vs. number that year that got divorced…as opposed to say just measuring EVERYONE who got married, ever vs. those that get divorced (like over a lifetime basically)…

The method preferred by social scientists in determining the divorce rate is
to calculate how many people who have ever married subsequently divorced.
Counted that way, the rate has never exceeded about 41 percent, researchers
say. Although sharply rising rates in the 1970's led some to project that
the number would keep increasing, the rate has instead begun to inch
downward.

And also apparently if you measure the educated folks (specifically, women) vs. non educated, there’s a significant difference as well (so unless you plan on marrying an uneducated chick....)

See what bugs me is that apparently after like 1990, the government stopped collecting marriage/divorce info on a detailed level...it just files the number of marriages that year, number of divorces.

Well okay let's discount everyone who's already been married once and divorced. Harsh, yes, but come on now...

So if you JUST look at first time marriages....then I want to know those stats. And i don't want to know for say 2005, becuase of course the people who got married in 2005 aren't the same as those who got divorced in 2005.

AND...i really want to know those who got married after the age of 25. I have friends who got married at 24, but 25 is just a nice happy number and really if you graduate when you're 23 (assuming you graduated, as per above note)...then 25 gives youp lenty of time to get engaged and get married....because i have little faith for anyone who gets married at like 19...heck, i think I got married way too young, and I was 25 at the time.

From divorcemag.com:
By John Gottman, Ph.D.

There are simple steps you can take to keep your marriage alive and healthy. Here are some ideas, which are described in detail in my book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, that have been gleaned from over 20 years of research with hundreds of couples.

1. Seek help early. The average couple waits six years before seeking help for marital problems (and half of all marriages that end do so in the first seven years). Meaning the average couple lives with unhappiness for far too long.
Sabina's take: yeah well most therapists and crap only work 9-5, and it's a little difficult to take time off work for ANYTHING, let alone therapy that works wtih two people's schedules. AND if you assume a large chunk of people who get married are young and broke and starting out...how are you supposed to afford that?!

2. Edit yourself. Couples who avoid saying every angry thought when discussing touchy topics are consistently the happiest.
Sabina's take: yeah no kidding einstein. I'm sure the fact that i just THINK "you're an effing jackass" is still better than if i ever SAID it. WTF. I need to get me a PhD...

3. Be careful how you "start up" a conversation. Arguments first "start up" because a spouse sometimes escalates the conflict from the get-go by making a dramatic, angry, or upsetting remark in a confrontational tone.
Sabina's take: yeah i'll give the dude this one. Jumping down one's throat off the bat doesn't help. That being said...ify ou're stuck sitting around stewing over an issue, it's hard NOT to.

4. A marriage succeeds to the extent that the husband can accept influence from his wife. If a woman says, "Do you have to work Thursday night? My mother is coming that weekend, and I need your help getting ready," a husband who replies, "My plans are set, and I'm not changing them," is a guy in a shaky marriage.
A husband's ability to be persuaded by his wife is so critical because, research shows, women are already well practiced at accepting influence from men, and a true partnership only occurs when a husband is able to do so as well.
Sabina's take: well...this is kinda biased saying that women are already influenced...so either that means we're easy going, or we're whipped. You know, i've got no comment on this....i've only got one husband, and he's very good at changing his plans for me (maybe not when we weren't engaged, but as a Husband he's wonderful for this). No comment.

5. Happy couples have high standards for each other even as newlyweds. The most successful couples are those who, even as newlyweds, refused to accept hurtful behavior from one another. The lower the level of tolerance for bad behavior in the beginning of a relationship, the happier the couple is down the road.
Sabina's take: wouldn't this apply even when you're dating? The sooner you put the smackdown, the better. You set the stage for what you'll accept. It's hard to be a diva off the bat though.

6. Successful couples know how to exit an argument. Happy couples know how to repair the situation before an argument gets completely out of control. Successful repair attempts include: gossiping about other people together (very useful); changing the topic to something completely unrelated; throwing in some humor; stroking your partner with a caring remark ("I understand that this is hard for you"); making it clear you're on common ground ("This is our problem"); backing down (in marriage, as in the martial art Aikido, you have to yield to win); and, in general, offering signs of appreciation for your partner and his or her feelings along the way ("I really appreciate and want to thank you for...")
Sabina's take: yeah yeah this is the part where you show your sign of maturity...fighting happens, HOW you fight is what matters. Yadda yadda.

7. Focus on the bright side. In a happy marriage, couples make five times as many positive statements to and about each other and their relationship than negative ones: "We laugh a lot" as opposed to "We never have fun." A good marriage must have a rich climate of positivity. Make deposits to your emotional bank account.
Sabina's take: that emotional bank account part is the most retarded corniest thing i've ever heard.

There's not much point to this blog...I just wanted to research this stuff because I don't like thinking that marriage has so many odds against it. I do think there's ways to make sure it'll survive...most of them being not getting married young, blah blah...so...there.

I gotta remember to record America's Next Top Model tonight.
And Lost.

And i gotta go to the gym after poker, 'cause last night I passed out at 9pm after doing crazy amounts of dishes and doing 40 mins of ironing. I suck at ironing...men's clothing is easy, because it's all big. Women's stuff is fitted, so there's folds and nips and tucks and everything's smaller, so once you've ironed one part you've wrinkled another.

Seriously, i hate people.

I mean, REALLY hate people.

All day I've thought about how much life would be easier...without people! I'd have alot less stress and i'd be way more productive.