Of L'il Bratz and other meatnormous tales

NOTE: I'm too tired to check for spelling and what not, so bite me if this doesn't sound like English. Or Spanglish. Or Franglais.

Mother effer, I'm TIRED.

Came home yesterday around 5ish, just in time to get my VH1 celebReality show groove on....after that I washed up and crawled into bed, barely able to stay awake for Desperate Housewives (As much as I love the show...Mary Alice's voiceovers are getting effing annoying).

So let's go through Sunday night's tv lineup...

My Fair Brady: Adrian and Chris Knight were on Howard this morning...I have to give her credit, the show does make her out to be SUPER clingy and annoying. As for the show...I love my girlfriends, but I am NOT showering with them.

Which actually brings back a memory...

In high school for gym class they organized some "wilderness women's" retreat, which I"m sure I was supposed to learn alot of self-awareness and all that crap but I didn't, probably because i do NOT do nature and being in a cabin is roughing it up too much for me. Anyway the shower situation was grim...it was kind of an open concept, like just a big room with showerheads and that's it. So my friends Christine, Erin, and I went SUPER late at night 'cause we didn't want to go when the other people were showering (insert part where I scared the crap out of erin because she's a scaredy cat and we were walking through the woods, alone...yeah i'm a mean beatch, i prey upon others' fears)...

So Christine and Erin are on one wall getting ready to shower, and i'm on the other, and i was like "okay guys we can be cool about this, just no one turn around 'kay?"...and they were all chillin'...but then the MINUTE i took my clothes off I had a massive flip and just kept screaming "DO NOT TURN AROUND!"...Erin, already freaked out from the walk in the woods, was CRYING 'cause i was screaming, and Christine almost bust a gut laughing, and I'm screaming the entire time in hysterics.

Fast forward a few years, and one of the things in my yearbook is "do not turn around!"...ahhh good times...

back to VH1 and the tv shows....

Surreal Life: the cast this year is so horrible, and I only watch because I adore Janice Dickinson...but my GOD Celebrities are so vacant it's crazy. It's only 2 weeks out of their lives and they're CRYING over sheeat...like I could live 14 days with people and they could all DIE and I wouldn't cry. WTF.

Breaking Bonaduce: I swear, there's something about this show that hits me hard. Maybe it's because unlike all the happy-go-lucky shows...this one is dark, violent, and probably the most real out there. When Danny was begging Gretchen not to leave, I'm blown away that she did...I would have stayed...and not because I'm a good wife...but because he looked DERANGED. I mean, there was something in his eyes, I was waiting for him to stab himself.

I don't know why I even get emotional over that stupid show, but when he pours the vodka in the huge cranberry juice bottle, and just CHUGS the entire thing, straight, without spilling a drop...I almost threw up, because it was so crazy to see someone violently attacking themselves, abusing themselves, self destructing...it's almost too personal, because you can only imagine how much self-hatred that person must be feeling to risk everything they have and love in order to numb that pain and destroy themselves.

on to happier subjects...

Just some random thoughts:

--I'm wearing my new shoes today. Well, one of my new shoes. They're black satin with a little silver bow. So cute. Yeah. I'm a chick. I like shoes. Suck it.

--I'm so upset the OC won't be on for another month...wtf am I supposed to do on Thursdays without the OC? I feel...lost..empty...the horror, the horror.

--My skin got SO jacked up palm springs, I mean the air was so disgustingly dry...I'm thinking of seeing a dermatologist because I'm terrified i'm going to have SCARS. wtf. I should look into buying a humidifier for the girls' trip in 2 weekends.

--I think breakup sex is a necessary evil. It's a requirement really, to end any relationship. It's not over until you get that last burst out of your system.

--I think I need to take another bagel break, because I had 2 this morning ooozing with strawberry cream cheese and i'm STILL hungry, wtf. I'm thinking no bagels for 3 weeks.

--My friend Jenn is coming to town this weekend, and i'm so excited to see her it's crazy out of control.

--YES I KNOW GET OFF MY BACK...I still have to book my flight to Vegas. I'll do it today. I promise. Or else that flight will cost me $300.

--This week I also vow to get decent life insurance...I"m going to be f*cked if Kraig gets hit by a bus tomorrow. I'd have to sell the house.

--And mother effer, get that advanced medical directive stuff taken care of too...wtf!! (Slaps self for being so lazy).

--I got Sylvia's birthday gift, and it's SO cute (can't write it here), and damn it's amazing I had the self restraint to not buy myself one as well...

--Seriously...the weather was SO dry...I think i'm going to douse myself with baby oil when I get home today...skin is NOT looking too pretty right now.

--Why is it that when you're at work, time goes a the speed of lard...but when you're on a weekend getaway time goes by WAYYYYYYYY too fast?!!

--I want another bagel. Mother. Effer.

--They're offering subsidized flu shots here at work...I've never gotten one before...but being the cheap bastard I am, they could give out the FLU itself and I'll be like "it's free? Sure why not?"...

--There is absolutely nothing more fabulous than Tazo Passion Tea with 2 packets of Splenda...

--I gained 3 effing pounds this weekend. If i don't go to the gym tonight, I owe Caroline $100. (And yes I know it takes 3 days for food to become official poundage on your body, but you know what? Suck it.)

--I think the more each day goes by, the dumber I get. I promise you, I was once a genius. Now...I'm vying for the Anna Nicole Smith Girl Wonder award.