Maxim 100: Things you need to know about chicks

From Maxim's 100 Everything You Need To Know About Women

Listen up guys! Here are the ones that I've gotta note...
99. Most women will not have sex for the first time with a guy unless their legs are shaved. If your date shows up and you spot stubble, she’s trying to keep herself in line.

HA! Exactly! And people make fun of me 'cause on my first date with kraig i didn't shave my legs and I wore granny underwear! EXACTLY!!!!

96. Jewelry. Now you always know what to get her for a last-minute gift.

There's no "set gift" to give your boyfriend if you need a last minute idea, but chicks are SO easy when it comse to that.

95. The sight of you in your socks and underwear is the biggest turnoff in the world.

I mean, it doesn't make us not LIKE you...it just makse it harder for us to want to molest you.

94. Never trust a girl who has no girlfriends. She doesn’t get along with other women because she’s either bat-shit crazy or just plain mean.

Heh heh i can think of one chick in particular who is DEFINITELY nutty. I agree.
90. Just started dating? Women want you to drive, even if it’s their car.

Hell yeah! I woudln't want a random dude driving my car but when I moved to California for some reason I ended up driving all those shmucks...wtf. Why don't you leave your testicles at home too?
89. A girl would prefer to get a $100 gift from Tiffany & Co. than a $500 gift from Fortunoff. Why? Because her friends will ask where she got it.
Yep! True dat.

87. Your female coworkers are obsessed with the fact that on average they receive less pay than male counterparts—and the fact that they work less overtime and get pregnant is irrelevant to the discussion.

I'm going to punch someone. "Get pregnant"?! First off, time off for pregnancies is unpaid, so that's worth nothing. And why is it fair that becuase your stupid gender can't get pregnant that I have to get paid less? SOMEONE'S gotta obviously have babies to keep up the species...but oh, because we're in charge of keeping mankind alive, we should get paid less?

AND...to top it off...not everyone has kids. So because I've got a uterus and POTENTIALLY might get pregnant, I should suck it up?
(actually...i'm not complaining...in my line of work i've never gotten paid less than a dude with comparable skills...i'm just speaking for other chicks out there)

81. The threesome is not about you; it’s about the two girls. If you’re lucky enough to score one with your girlfriend, enjoy sex with the other one because there’s a good chance it’ll end the relationship.
Ha ha ha ha....

79. Never trust the woman who gives you the best blow job you’ve ever had.

I've never heard of that at all. Why is that? Is this common knowledge to guys?

77. The average woman kisses 79 men before getting married.

Hmmmm ...that's a tough one to figure out. There's the Monogamy Years (i.e. 3-4 years kissing the dude), then you've got the Single Phase (kissing a few guys a night)...it seems like 50 might be a better number. No wait....35. Yeah. 35-50. That includes kissing your guy friend or that kid in 3rd grade (uh when YOU were in 3rd grade too sicko!)

74. “Girls who buy their men lap dances and pretend to enjoy it are kidding themselves. They’re trying to keep him happy with some controlled freedom.”—Suzy, 31

I don't know about that...I mean, only once has my husband had a lap dance and I wans't around to see it (i was getting my own lol)...but i don't think i would have cared...however if that happened all the time, yeah i would definitely start to harbor resentment that i was doing that for him.

73. Over the course of her life, a woman will use 10 men for every one she loves. If you lent her your car or helped her move and didn't get laid, you're one of the 10.

Hmmm, I can say I've been in love 3.5 times (the 0.5 is a grey area, not 100% sure how i felt at the time if it was legit or not)...so 35 dudes been used...I don't know if the two are related. I mean, the other day Ryan helped me with my car. That's just a friend helping a friend. I wasn't "using" him, it was done out of friendship (obviously!), why does one have to do with the other?

72. During emergencies, women are likely to remain calmer than men. Though it should be noted that inventing minor crises on a weekly basis gives them more practice.

Yeah, like training drills. I agree.

70. Unless they’re lesbians, she won’t approve of your hanging out with other girls. Even if they’re ugly. And, really, even if they’re lesbians.
YES
YES
YES!!!

64. An online dating service’s survey found that a woman’s ideal man has brown hair and blue eyes.
YES
YES
YES!

61. When a woman tells you her problems, she does not want you to offer solutions.

THIS IS SUCH CRAP! If i my problem is that my car needs to be fixed, trust me, I want a solution. If my problem is that I can't get to work the next day 'cause my car is in the shop, I want a solution. If I dropped a bottle of hair dye on the carpet, I want a solution. Point is, we don't usually tell guys all our problems 'cause we take care of our sh*t ourselves! (Or at least, i do. Minus having Ryan fix the light on my car, which really i had no problems with leaving as-is).

58. If they're going to do it, most wives cheat between the ages of 18 and 29.
Good. I'll tell Kraig that when i'm 50 and sleeping with the poolboy.

51. Don’t call her “cute.” In her mind it’s the same as “not vomit-inducing.” “Sexy,” OK. “Hot,” yes. “Fucking awesome,” only if she’s at least slightly buzzed.

EXACTLY. Didn't I blog about this already?

50. Women often buy shoes a size or two small because they’re in denial about the size of their feet—which they can’t stand.

Who wrote this crap? I'm a size 5 or 5.5....Idon't know any chick with a shoe size smaller than a 9.5 who would do this (and if you're bigger than 9, you do it out of necessity).

49. They dream of one day peeing in a urinal.
OMG you have no idea! I'm obsessed with the urinal concept. In fact, note to self: write blog about all the thigns that guys do that youw ish you could.

48. Women know where they stand looks-wise but worry about being considered cool, about which they’re unsure.

HA no fears there...I've been TOLD that I'm not the "coolest girl"...yeah thanks f*cker.

44. A psycho jealous girl will do anything to keep her man—including anal.
Egads, interesting perspective. Thank God i'm not a psycho jealous girl...if that was my way to keep a man, i'd be like "uhhh...I think we should start seeing other people. It's not you, it's me."

37. Women’s public bathrooms are about three times more disgusting than men’s.
Obviously. We have ONE more reason to go to the bathroom. There is nothing more sick than the sight of pee, poop, AND a bloody tampon in the toilet. That's why my general rule when i go to clubs: I empty my bladder at the start of the night (i.e. when women only use the bathroom to fix their makeup) and tough it out for the rest of the night till i get home!

33. The average woman owns eight bras and wears each one five times before washing. Shasta!

That is SUCH BS! First off, that's sick. Secondly, you should always wash your bras after 1 use 'cause the oils in your skin break down the bras (and you need that stuff to keep you uhhh uplifted!)

30. “Don’t caress our faces while we’re kissing, unless you really, really, really like us.”—Rachel, 21

True dat.

27. Gain her trust when you’re out by calling her at 10 P.M. She’ll go to bed content you’re thinking of her, even if you’re slurping Jell-O shots off some skank’s cleavage.
Hell yeah. Whatever you gotta do i guess.

25. At least one of her friends wants to sleep with you.

That means that every guy with a girlfriend/woman-friend has a friend that wants to sleep with you. Ummm...yeah i wouldn't hold this as gospel. that being said, does that mean that oneo f my friends wants to sleep with my husband? I don't know if that's flattering or if that makes me want to kill that bitch!

19. The more piercings she has, the more places she’ll let you put it.

DANG this is so unscientific, and yet, so true.

16. Chicks aren’t afraid to get kinky; you just have to have the nerve to ask.
And by "nerve to ask", they don't mean "accidentally put your penis in her ass".
11. She likes one of your friends.

Ha ha ha...d'oh.

Norm:7. Dated a stripper? Keep your mouth shut, stupid.

Actually Kraig dated a stripper and I was just more obsessed with finding out what fake boobs feel like (obviously you don't need to be a stripper to have fake boobs, but that was the only part of the history that i found interesting).

6. Rub a sheet of medium-grade sandpaper across your face. That’s your five o’clock shadow when you kiss her. Now rub that sandpaper on your inner thigh. (Mind you, we’re not suggesting you shave.)
YES
YES
YES
Mother effer I kiss himo nce without shaving and i'm broken out for months. I'm on effing medication even. It hurts like a BITCH when you guys don't shave.

5. Female serial killers tend to use poison rather than guns or knives.

Obviously. If you use the latter, you'll have to clean up the mess. And that's the last thing you want to worry about after you've just off'ed someone. "Swiffer - For Blood Stains!"

2. Buying a present for your girl? She’ll hate it (and you) if she finds out you took along another woman to help pick it out.

I disagree. It depends on the chick. If he took one of MY girlfriend's who's opinion is similar to mine, then I have no problems with that.

1. You'll probably never know how many guys she's slept with. The standard lie is five. Which really means about 12.

Do chicks really lie about this stuff? Is 12 really that bad of a number? (Mine's not 12, FYI, but i'm curious to know if it is).