This blog's beefs

I really wanted to write a "You Too Can Be A Better Husband" blog, but since I've only ever had/have one husband, that would be more like "How Not To Be Kraig" and that would be so, so wrong! (And he really is a fantastic husband...well, the best one I've ever had anyway).

End of that note, onto another....

So on Sunday I flipped to the Simpsons, and mother effer it was your stupid ass hillbilly president speaking.
LIVE.
How do I know? Because it said "LIVE" on the corner of the screen.
HE WAS READING OFF A TELEPROMPTER
I started SCREAMING at the tv screen. And I became incensed when Kraig started LAUGHING.
You know what's worth being "live"? When exciting LIVE stuff happens!
OJ and his bronco
Random shootings in LA
Hurricanes and other natural disasters

A PRE-PLANNED SPEECH does NOT have to be live! You know what that's called? A TV SHOW! You know what we do with TV shows? We give them time slots!

WHO THE F*CK INTERUPTS A TV SHOW WITH A PRE-WRITTEN SPEECH?!! AND THEN READS IT LIVE?!! Does it make a diff that it was live?!! NO!!!

And yeah, it was broadcast tv...BUT....have you ever shoved an antenna on top of your tv?! So maybe i'm not paying for that channel, but i'm paying for it to come in CLEAR...and I wanted to see HOMER clear, not the EFFING STUPID HILLBILLY PRESIDENT!!!

Now if someone had SHOT him...that would be worth interrupting my show. Until then....mothereffer, book a time slot like every other effing tv show.

/rant

Last night I was stuck in traffic and i HAD to get to the vet in order to get Marmalade and Stash their prescription cat foods...so i call them begging them to hang out an extra 5 mins if i don't make it on time...some dude that I didn't recognize was all "we close and LEAVE at 6...AND we shut off the phones at 6..."...i wanted to say "you effing little snot, I can buy that sh*t anywhere but i choose to get it from this vet because I like him..."...

So when I got there (amazingly on time), the guy was like "see? You hauled ass and you made it"...like i wasn't already planning on hauling ass ANYWAY. I got the impression he was the vet's son in town for the holidays, and I probably would have flipped on him if I didn't suddenly have a "two wrongs don't make a right" attitude, which keep in mind...

I firmly believe two wrongs make a right. So...you punched me. Does punching you back make me feel better? Yes. Does it even the score? Yes.
You killed my kid? Yeah hunting you down like a dog and torturing you most CERTAINLY makes a right....
Stealing from "the man" because the man is stealing my youth certainly makes things right.

/second_rant

Well if i can't do husband bashing, i can certainly play the We All Know You've Got A Problem, Why Attempt To Hide It Game:

1. To the limp noodle guy: I thought it was me. But you kept putting the condom on WAY too early. So that meant you thought it was supposed to be that way. You know what?! It's NOT. And you know what? Stop saying "ohhh yeahhh you like it hard..." because one day a girl might say "um yes, can you make it?!"...

2. To the white out guy: I only put up with you because you were my friend's brother. And you were protective of me, and I dig that. Okay so we didn't go all the way, but there's a reason: fully strong, you were the size of a white out bottle. And that's OKAY...really, it's not your fault mother nature gave you the shaft (ha ha...okay bad pun)...but just don't keep saying "yeah you like it big!"....because one day a girl might say "um yes, and you're not it"...

3. To the hotel guy: Listen, there's a REASON my girlfriends nicknamed you "Bry-ann Toucan"...your nose was horrific. And okay so maybe yu're not as vain as me and you didn't want plastic surgery even though you REALLY needed it. But when I ASKED you whether there's any part ofyou that you would change, saying "well my skin is too pale" is NOT the correct answer....the right answer was staring at you in the face (ha ha bad pun)...there is nothing worse than sleeping with a guy with a big nose and then watching him SNEEZE right after. That was the deal breaker.

4. To the 4% body fat guy: it wasn't so much that you were ridiculously thin. It was that your ankles/calves were smaller than mine. And that's not cool. So eat a flippin' burger. With butter. And a pile of lard. Girls don't like boys with teenie calves and teenie ankles. Okay the real problem was that you WHINED and that in combo with the ankles was bad. PLUS...you drove you mom's Tercel. Any self respecting guy would steal his dad's Camaro to go on a date.

5. To the Intern: we had fun, don't get me wrong...but this whole "one pump chump" thing had to stop. Okay I'll give you credit, you acknowledged it. But....take care of that crap before I come over in order to at least make it last more than 1 milisecond. I'm not picky on time, I swear. I just want a full "thrust and out"...not just..."thrust"...

6. To the pierced dude: ohhhhhh you have your thing. I'll give you that. And what you have was FABULOUS. But no matter how hot it was, what you have....it doesn't make you any more manly when the last image I have of you is on all fours, in the bushes, yelling at your naughty kitty to go back inside. I tried to overlook a single guy having a cat (I mean, you mentioned you were married before...maybe it was her cat)...but you kill the afterglow when you're screaming "bad kitty! bad kitty! get back inside! get out of there!"....I hollered "see ya", walked down that driveway, and never looked back.

7. To the mustang guy: okay no real beef other than yes, I'm on to you...I know you thought we were going to sleep together and that's why i didn't hear from you for awhile after our date (which was a horrible date and NOT because of me...i'm sparkling and cute and witty on first dates...bitch!)...you totally thought I was a whore, but I proved you wrong...I wasn't gonna be YOUR whore.

8. To the dude who ended up on The Bachelor: yeah you were SUPER hot. SUPER SMOKIN' hot (by Ottawa standards anyway). But...you were SUCH an effing bad kisser. Like really bad. And i specifically thought "please don't ask me for my phone number, becuase you're so hot i'll be forced to give it to you, but please don't"...and you asked...and you REMEMBERED it (I didn't even write it down)...but you were an effing TOOL. And you were a bad, bad, bad, bad, BAD BAD BAD kisser. Kissing is so important jackass. You wouldn't have had to go on the Bachelor if at least you could kiss a girl decently.

C'mon guys...just admit your flaws. We know they're there. Just own up to them. Otherwise we'll think you're a clueless p*ssy.