Klingon Tech Writers

Scammed from http://www.documentia.ca/klingon.htm

This is brilliant.

Klingon Technical Writers

The top 16 things likely to be overheard if you had Klingon technical writers working on your documentation team:

1. Klingons do not sit in meetings, we take what we want and kill anyone who opposes us!

2. Certification?! Taking your head and putting it on a pike in my office is all the certification I need!

3. I will return to the homeworld and my documentation will arise triumphant in the STC Documentation Gauntlet, leaving all others drowning in their own dangling modifiers. It will be glorious!!

4. Not returning my review copies by the agreed deadline is a declaration of war. Indeed, it is a good day to die.

5. These software specifications are for the weak and timid!!

6. This version of Word is a piece of GAGH! I need the latest version of Framemaker if I am to do battle with this manual.

7. You cannot really appreciate Dilbert unless you've read it in the original Klingon.

8. Indentation?! I will show you how to indent when I indent your skull!
Holy ((bleep)) the above is probably the most brilliant sentence ever written. Ever.

9. What is this talk of "drafts"? Klingons do not make document "drafts". Our documents escape, leaving a bloody trail of SMEs in its wake!

10. Passive voice is a sign of weakness. Its elimination will be quick.

11. Proofreading? Klingons do not proofread. Our documents are purified with pain-sticks which cleanses the documents of impurities.

12. I have challenged the entire Marketing and R&D team to a Bat-Leh contest! They will not concern us again.

13. A TRUE Klingon warrior riddles his document with bullets, leaving it to beg for mercy.

14. By changing the layout of my manual, you have challenged the honor of my family. Prepare to die!

15. You question the worthiness of my grammar? I should kill you where you stand!

16. Our users will know fear and cower before our suite of manuals and online help! Ship it! Ship it and let them flee like the dogs they are!

Grim

I'm 32.

I vow to write more. I got into this mentality that there was nothing important enough to blog about. Uhhh this is "random thoughts and gripes"...by virtue it's supposed to be pointless.

However just to note...

1. It sucks when a spouse loses their job and you have a mortgage. Being a grownup sucks.

2. Someone I know lost their daughter today. I can't fathom what that must feel like. I really can't.

Being a grownup sucks.

3. Someone I grew up with (well, babysat) is getting a divorce...this shocks me, to me she's still a kid let alone someone who's married and ready to divorce.

Being a grownup sucks.

Yeah, grim and unfun. I'll write more upbeat bitching in days to come...right now I'm just sort of in awe of how, as a kid, you think being an adult is the best thing EVER.

Our 9-year-old selves were wrong.

IM with my mom - career edition

My Mom (8:16 AM): how is marma?
Me (8:17 AM): she's fine

My Mom (8:17 AM): is she on a special diet?
My Mom (8:18 AM): did u manage to ask the vet what to feed an old cat?
My Mom (8:18 AM): like our granpapie smokey?
Me (8:18 AM): yes she is on a diabetic diet, and no i didn't ask what to feed an old cat. but i can if you want.

My Mom (8:19 AM): well because u saw the vet i thought u asked
My Mom (8:19 AM): i can call mine too and get advise
Me (8:19 AM): i had other things to ask when i was at the vet

My Mom (8:20 AM): ok np
Me (8:21 AM): how are you doing these days

My Mom (8:22 AM): who me?
Me (8:22 AM): obviously

My Mom (8:23 AM): i'm ok, as usual, may is allergy season for me, but with windows closed i'm ok. it helped to cut low that tree in the back, when it flowers it creates terrible probs
My Mom (8:24 AM): saturday late evening i went to walmart, coming back i took with dad a bag of basmati rise, 80 lbs, that was in the back of the car and straight away i noticed i had red eyes
My Mom (8:24 AM): so may is bad for me
My Mom is Available (8:26 AM)
My Mom (8:25 AM): how is your french?
Me (8:26 AM): i've lost a lot of it.

My Mom (8:26 AM): :(
My Mom (8:26 AM): u could have gotten a good gvmnt job here
My Mom (8:26 AM): 30 years int he gvmt and u can retire
Me (8:27 AM): I did have a government job. They don't pay crap.note: I worked for 3 years in the Canadian government when I was a student...but it wasn't a "real" job. It was a "we're the government and every year we have to hire X many university students as part of some initiative to give them working experience...so if they have a pulse, hire them"

My Mom (8:27 AM): u had a student job at the gvmt
Me (8:27 AM): And you forget that I LIVED in ottawa when I graduated. There were no jobs that I was qualified for.

My Mom (8:27 AM): that dont pay well
Me (8:28 AM): They wanted full-on programmers, which I'm not.

Me (8:28 AM): And i didn't have a business degree.
Me (8:28 AM): So that pretty much left nothing.
My Mom (8:28 AM): a while back they looked for technical writers
Me (8:28 AM): Yes probably with experience. When i graduated, I had none.
Me (8:28 AM): And i would have had to take a french test for that

My Mom (8:28 AM): now u would be ok
Me (8:28 AM): i can't do technical writing in french
My Mom (8:29 AM): ok

Me (8:29 AM): No, i wouldn't be okay now, because i don't have the technical vocab in french
Me (8:29 AM): Maybe one day i'll work for the canadian government, but not now.
My Mom (8:29 AM): ok

My Mom (8:29 AM): just saying
My Mom (8:30 AM): to late now, u decided to live in the usa
Me (8:36 AM): yup

Me (8:36 AM): my life is ruined
My Mom (8:37 AM): lol it cant be that bad

Me (8:37 AM): well it's too late for me to get a government job and all
My Mom (8:37 AM): not really
My Mom (8:38 AM): and u r smart, u can knock them dead

Me (8:38 AM): you're the one who wrote "too late now, you decided to live in the usa"
Me (8:38 AM): but thank you for the compliment

My Mom (8:38 AM): one thing u and ((my brother)) are, is tough
My Mom (8:38 AM): u know how to kick in the door if u have to
My Mom (8:39 AM): hehe
Me (8:40 AM): yep
My Mom (8:41 AM): lol

My Mom (8:41 AM): i guess in todays job market u have to
My Mom (8:42 AM): anyway, got errands to run, c u

Grownup Rulez

Note to Facebook readers: original post is here in case images don't show up and you really give a crap. Which I don't blame you if you don't...i wouldn't.

It's been awhile since I've ranted about life as a grownup, so I figure the latest installment is due. A few more things I now know at 31-turning-32 that I probably didn't think too much about when I was 21-turning-22

1. Life doesn't always follow the rules.
Common sense right? But it's so ingrained in us...get good grades. Go to university. Get a job. Get a spouse. Get a kid or two. Get retirement. Go die.

When things go off-track from that, especially when you've tried so hard to follow the rules within your power, it really throws you for a loop. Is it a disservice to teach your kids the Rules of Life? Or is better to prepare them for anything...regardless of education, marriage, etc? I think of something Christine once wrote...she was writing about a series of crappy things that had happened, and ended it with "so is life".

Indeed. What life is isn't the list of grades/university/job/spouse/kids/retirement/death.

Life is everything surrounding that...DUIs for one whole beer, weekend trips with friends, miscarriages, summer barbecue traditions, learning the political game at work, onset of adult allergies, the inability to be with the one you love for reasons beyond your control, figuring out that your paycheck doesn't pay the rent, medical issues that stop everything else in your life (pay your copays with a credit card or keep ALL receipts when made by cash, those f*ckers will come back saying you didn't pay your copay...uh how else did I get to walk through the door and see the doc?!), juggling family visits, calls to customer service for the billion things that always seem to go wrong (lesson learned: bang on "0" a bunch)....there should be a Checklist of Life that parents should teach their kids before they truly start their life as a grownup on their own. The checklist would be huge, but if you can crank out some of the obvious ones then you'll better equip your offspring so they're not curled in a fetal position crying with their Linus-style blanket.

2. Being an adult carries a tremendous amount of responsibility

Again, you'd think common sense right? Not so much...people think they know this, but they don't. Hell, I'm even guilty of this I know, I know, you thought I was flawless. Retarded behavior once acceptable in your youth doesn't cut it as an adult. I'm not talking about say, getting wasted the night before a final exam.

I'm talking sacrificing an immediate want for a future need. When you realize that you can't have that iPod because rent is due next week. When you're able to remember that you can't go travel with friends because you know your yearly car insurance bill is due to come in any day now and you'll have to live lean for awhile. It's anticipating the future need without it being blatantly in front of you in bill format.

When I had my Sentra, every year around January something major would happen that would cost me $1k-$2k. Still cheaper than buying a new car, but yeah it was a good chunk of money that I had to start anticipating as a result of driving a deathtrap. So as soon as I paid my credit card for that, I would put money away not in a "holy crap i lost my job" emergency fund, but in an "argh, this month x y z things came up and I don't have the cash!" fund.

It's also not a monetary responsibility. There's much more responsibility to those around you. Realizing that you can't be a brat to your mom anymore...she's simply just elderly and old-skool, which may have annoyed you as a kid but as an adult it's now your responsibility to manage the relationship and be the peacemaker. While I'm nowhere the same brat who slammed her bedroom door so often it broke off the hinges, I'm significantly better at dealing with my bizarro mother. It's that when you make a commitment to friends, you honor them. Everything from paying them back for $20 loaned or a ride to the airport yes, one time I accidentally drove to work and by the time I got there received a call from Carrie wondering when I was going to pick her up. STILL feel awful about that to this day. If you borrow something, you give it back as soon as possible in the same condition they gave it to you, even if it means inconveniencing yourself. Being a person of character.

As an adult, you don't have to do the above...but you learn pretty quickly that life works generally much better when you do.

3. Life is unfair

This cliche is used so often, you'd think we'd truly understand this by the time we're 5. In your teens (assuming you haven't had to deal with some earth shattering "grownup" tragedy like death of your parents) it seems more like "But it's not FAIR that i have to work while SoAndSo doesn't have to!" or "Stupid bus! It came and left early! Now I'm going to miss my exam!". Or like the person who was behind you in line for a raffle ticket wins.

It's more along the lines of deciding whether to abort your baby when you receive a prognosis with horrible odds. Deciding if you should continue to be with someone you love even though in return you won't receive what you so desperately crave. Debating whether your beloved pet's condition is severe enough to warrant euthanasia and which decision is the less selfish of the two. What to do when faced with a compulsive gambling spouse who is jeopardizing everything but insists things are under control...do you stay and suffer, do you battle it through and beg for counseling, and even then do you stick around when it gets worse in hopes it'll get better, do you just pack up and bail?

Life is often unfair not because a single event will occur...rather, it's unfair because oftentimes you are faced to choose between two crappy options of the same weight but drastically different consequences.

Sophie's choice.
**side note: I spent forever reading that book, dying to know what her stupid choice was. I should have just rented the movie. I didn't care about the movie, the plot, anything. I just wanted to know the choice. However when I started reading I wasn't sure when the "choice" would be made evident so I didn't just flip to the last page to check, figuring that if the choice came in early in the book it might be worth reading through. Oh, how mistaken I was. By the end of it I was like "really? She just has to pick which of her two kids has to die? Well what the hell that wasn't worth reading this behemoth novel over. She could have just said "I made a crappy choice. I killed my son". Of which, I don't remember which kid she chose now anyway.

4. For the most part, you did create your life

When you're younger, you're stuck going with the flow of whatever your parents/the law/the man make you do. So eventually it's like your teacher shoving you on stage for a school play...rehearsing is fine and all, but uhhh...wow...there's alotta people out there. Looking at you. Everyone...looking...at...you. And it's all on you. No one's reading you your lines. Something on the set might break, you'll have to improvise. Deviate from the original plan. Someone might deliberately try to sabotage you. Someone might screw up. But the choices and decisions made, even if made unprepared on the fly, got you for the most part where you are today.

Find me a CEO of a large, successful organization who just stumbled upon that position.

Granted, the "life is unfair" part can guide a significant part. Having to declare bankruptcy because you got cancer and have thousands of bucks of medical bills...yeah, that's outta your hands. However, a lot of other things ARE within your control. Tree falls on your house? Out of your control. Responsible enough to have double-checked yearly that you have adequate insurance? Within your control. (Although i did see on the news a guy who had a tree fall on his house, insurance covered it, was dropped from his insurance, then another tree landed on it. That would suck donkey balls. So obviously there's a juggle between this item and the unfairness of life.) Losing your job? Might be out of your control. Foresight to save up and cut back on expenses? Within your control. Ties into #2...if you shopped like a mofo all year then don't expect pity when you lose your job and have nothing. You CHOSE that path. At some point when you're a full-on grownup you're capable of stepping back and seeing all the steps YOU took to get to where you are, bad or good.

5. Relationships are not the same as in your youth

Not talking romantic relationships. We're talking friendships here. In your teens and in college, you can be buddies with everyone...no matter their gender. It's all good, 'cause it's not like for the most part anyone's rushing to get married and almost no one IS married. You remain firm in your belief that a guy can "just be friends" with a girl. And then you grow up and realize it's not the same when you're in the next stage of life.

The stage of being a working professional, not a new grad. Of having friends that are married, divorced, co-habitating, on-again-off-again. Having kids, wanting kids, losing kids. Home buying. Not being able to afford to buy. Not buying because of a career decision. This a whole different stage in life, and relationships don't work the same way as in your teens/college years/early 20s.

The first time I realized this was when I got engaged. Suddenly, 90% of all guys I knew fell off the face of the earth. I was always the girl who hung out with the guys. I was the one who tagged along with the guys when they did retarded crap. I studied a program for 4 years with all guys minus ONE girl (thank the lord for Natalie). I went into a male-dominated industry where I'll be in a meeting with 25 guys...and me. Suddenly having a ton of guys mysteriously disappear was very odd for the girl who prided herself on being kind of a guy's girl.

It's not that I was some femme fatale...rather, the nature of the relationships with them was forced to change as a result of my status change. While maybe it was okay to hang out and watch a DVD on the couch with a buddy doing shots, it's not appropriate anymore when you have a significant other. It's okay to go to lunch with guys...but doing a late night dinner at 9? Not so much. Basically daylight sort of impacts what's acceptable when you're in a serious relationship/marriage (or they are).

I guarantee someone's going to argue with me on this, but consider that I'm the smacktalking chick who's not exactly girly-girl in her views on things. I have some married guy friends. I can go to lunch with them...it's public, it's outside, it's daylight...there's a 1-2 hour time limit...basically any level of sexiness is removed. If i were to go to dinner with any of them, their wives would be like "wtf?! Why am i not invited?"...and if they're busy, then that's even weirder...maybe the odd time if there's a one-time reason for it (cant think of any, but obviously there's exceptions to everything), but overall it would just be bizarre to just have dinner with any of my married guy friends if their wives aren't there. We would reschedule for when said wife was available. If i were single, no matter how much their wives trust me, I'm sure there would be at the very least smidgen of worry if I were to just be having dinner while they're not there. It's not so far left thinking to think that things can happen after-hours. Even if you're positive it wouldn't happen...well...things can happen. Things DO happen. Why even risk it?


It's not that you lose your independence. It's that it's not appropriate.

Consider it another way. When you're in high school and you go out, if the boy paid, you definitely knew you were on a date. As an adult, you could go out and the dude could be like "hey it's cool I got it" and you'd still be like "wtf...so is this a date? is it not?". In high school, dating is explicit and clear. Everyone knows who's involved with who, who's off limits. When you're an adult, you learn that you can date multiple people at once, bone different people at once, there's no formal definition to relationships at times. At any given moment I know people who are completely clueless to the nature or seriousness of a relationship with someone of the opposite sex. Short of an explicit friends-with-benefits relationship, there's typically at least one person in a close guy/girl friendship who's wondering if maybe it's something more or wanting more.

Which, to bring it back, is that as you get older no matter how much of a guy's girl you used to be or how you're the sensitive guy who just relates better to chicks, you need to learn to form friendships with people of your own gender. As a dude, don't think for a second your relationship won't change the instant she gets a boyfriend. And for a chick, you think your best buddy's girlfriend...then wife...will be okay with you two constantly doing things one-on-one? Nope. Argue all you want. And then go out in the real world and open your eyes. Your role, your priority, changes.

Plus, it's always odd when you see someone who only has someone of the opposite sex as their friend. I know a chick who only has guy friends. It's pretty clear to everyone but all of them that subconsciously they're just waiting in the wings for their chance with her. (Ladder Theory stuff) Men can't see through the BS of another chick if they're close enough to be friends because that underlying even minute attraction to anything with a vagina creates a filter. Chicks, lacking in even the remote 0.1% chance of anything romantic happening that could occur with a guy friend, can see all. We see when a chick is fake, when they're acting, when they're being friendly in order to get attention from their guy friends, when they're incredibly annoying when they can't flirt their way through a friendship. You see what's wrong with them and why other chicks don't want to be around them...which is usually that girls that only have guy friends feel incredibly threatened by other women.

Meh, this point is pretty disjointed. I'm just saying...relationships that were okay when you were younger are just no longer appropriate when you grow up. Don't kid yourself into thinking the old adage of "guys and girls can just be friends!"...there's strings attached. And the significant other will always, at some point, raise a concern (or have a hissy fit, pick your method).

**Note to the exception: everyone's got an exception or two. I'm not saying to have ZERO friends of the opposite sex if they're single...I'm saying, overall. Like...Bryan...you're the shiz. I trust you 100000% with my life, and you're one of the most faithful friends I've ever had. I'd give you a kidney in a heartbeat. But if I had 4 other guys in my life even remotely like you and our friendship...then that'd be weird. Kraig would, and should, put the kibosh on that. Plus, you don't live here...if we lived nearby and hung out frequently till super late, it would be pretty inappropriate and I would have no desire to cockblock GirlfriendX at those hours or have her kick my ass.

6. When you're an adult, you get tired of yourself quickly

As an adult, any drama in your life just drains, tires, and bores you. You don't even find it interesting, let alone have the desire to tell other people about it. Far cry from when you could tell the same drama story over and over in your early 20s.

I also say this because I realize I've written A LOT, it's riddled with typos, I'm too lazy to edit and cut it down, and I'm tired, so...what I'm saying is right now, I don't even find myself interesting.

So is life!

Money doesn't grow on trees. Which is good, I can't grow crap.

In case no one got the memo, we're in a recession.

My attitude about all of this, other than freaking out about how much my home has dropped from what I owe (and it's an adjustable-rate loan that has yet to reset...yeah yeah I’m one THOSE people), has been to just chug forth. What else can you do? Don't spend loads of cash (but at the same time, I'm aware that some level of spending is what's necessary...oh you catch-22!), keep your resume up to date, blah blah.

I only half-listen to the news about the economic situation, stuff about Madoff and AIG...in the grand scheme, it doesn't impact me directly. I feel like we're all running a marathon. I'm trying to not let the distractions around me stop me from plowing through. I look around to make sure that nothing is barreling straight at me, but otherwise I'll let the other runners deal with it. And Obama counts as a runner.

But today, I'm officially freaked out. Like, curl-up-in-the-fetal-position-in-the-corner-crying freaked out. I guess I thought how I'm a GenXer, we survived a massive recession a short while ago...we can all do it again. Yeah, except now it's really bad. Like, I could very easily see myself getting a job at the Gap and then busting my ass in hopes that I can become a stupid 3rd Key manager. No wait, I can very easily see myself APPLYING at the Gap, and competing with retarded-ass Orange County kids. Does a store sales award from 1994 give me an edge in an interview?!

I'm even thinking that for once, maybe people SHOULD litter in case it DOES create a job for someone.

I listen to KFI 640am in the mornings...there was a debate over how much it effs everyone over when money is put towards job programs.on one hand, at least people are getting fed, but on the other hand you're expecting everyone else to subsidize failing businesses. Like a company like GM will never go obsolete. If you let it fall completely, then someone's going to take over the assets...and THOSE people will build it back up (instead of the old skool people who are still operating under unions and pensions) and protect the workers ensuring they have work.

Have you ever thought during a really bad rainstorm that’s lasted for days “Okay Mother Nature, I get it. You can stop the rain now. You’ve made your point!” I am officially telling the Economic Zeus Gods “Okay! We got it! Too much credit! Blowing cash we don’t have! Now bring us back to normal!”

I take credit cards, paypal, money orders, and CASH

Thanks to a wisecrack (but oh-so-true) comment from a friend, I've been thinking about how my behavior and values can be changed for money.

I've got no shame in my game: I can be purchased. And anyone who says they can't be is full of sh*t.

If someone offered you a million dollars for sex, would you say no? What if you had tons of medical bills and a sick child who needed specialized treatment? Yeah an hour or two of nakedness would seem like a Godsend.

Plus, if you have a job, then you're a whore for money. Again, if you say no...see if you would do that exact same work even if you didn't get paid (but your bills still magically got paid). If I had no bills, I certainly wouldn't be doing what I'm doing now.

(fyi: for the record, I'm grateful I'm employed. i'm just sayin', if I won the lottery, I wouldn't sit 8 hours a day at a desk)

I recall the day that my friend Erin and I wanted a Snapple from the dude at a highschool sports game who was selling them. He was also selling popcorn from one of those popcorn cart things. There was popcorn EVERYWHERE. We had no money (which is so dumb...I had money. I just didn't have money for Snapple. See the diff?) and begged the guy to let us have the snapple. He was like "hell no".
We begged. We pleaded. Jackass told us "okay, if you eat popcorn off the floor".
We looked down, and saw some popcorn wasn't totally smushed and black from footprints.
Needless to say, we were sold and ate the non-marred popcorn off the floor.
Needless to say, Jackass' jaw dropped.
Needless to say, we were handed a Snapple without a peep.

Would I do that now? Of course not. Popcorn from a vendor has too many calories :P

I'm also certainly not above begging for money. Again, my friend Erin and I in highschool were all about getting a muffin from the cafeteria once a day. I remember exactly how much they cost: 75 cents. When you bought 10 muffins, you got the next one free. So it was also all about filling up this card. So after we ate our lunch, almost every day, we did the trek around the cafeteria and rotunda to try and get 75 cents. You'd think this would be easy, but when you do this daily you can't hit up the same people. And when you live in a bus-centric city, kids aren't so quick to give up their change. I came up with the best strategy: ask for a nickel, a dime, a penny, because no one's going to be THAT cheap and say "sorry, I can't spare anything" when all you want is a NICKEL. Especially if you say "can I BORROW a nickel?" In highschool, when I was a teen, people wanted you to pay up if you owed a dollar. But a nickel? Never. It worked.

I'm not below begging.

If I weren't so freaked out by bugs, I could easily have been a contestant on Fear Factor (I'd lose anything involving physical strength but dang pay me a few grand to just sit in a box and have beetles poured on me). In the grand scheme, I hope that I can be purchased out of any fears. That's because my biggest fear is homelessness, and getting paid to deal with my other fears thus takes care of the biggest fear of all.

Then we have the concept of time vs. money. I was once offered $50 to drink a whole carton of KFC gravy. I actually love KFC gravy, I'll chug that crap over a milkshake any day. My problem was when I did the math of how many calories were in there, and how long it would take on the elliptical to burn it off, it came down to like $15/hour. Which just wasn't worth it to me at that point. I could easily work at In N Out and make that (well...$12 anyway).

The other day I was listening to the radio and some chicks called up saying how they saw an ad on Craigslist for a dude who wanted a chick to show up and kick him in the balls as hard as possible. $250. They went, she kicked him, he handed her the money. Then he said he'd pay again if she'd do that again if he wore his boxers. She said yes. She kicked him. He paid her. Guess what he suggested next? Oh c'mon now, you'll never guess...okay I'll tell you. He then offered more dough if she'd kick him in the balls...bareback. She declined and ran out.

If some creepy dude wanted to pay me FIVE bucks to kick him in the balls I'd do it in a snap. Moron should have just gotten fresh with a chick in a bar, he would have saved a few hundred bucks. Now would I have agreed to kick a dude in the balls if he were naked? No, but I also wouldn't have shown up by myself (she had her friend in the car waiting for her...eff that. I wouldn't go in alone!). But if I could convince a fearless/strong/fighter dude to show up with me for $100, then hellz yeah I would have kicked his wrinkly balls as hard as possible (and then I would slather hand sanitizer all over the tip of my boot) for $250.

Now while I would kick a naked creepy guy in the ballsack for $250, I would NOT eat bacon for $250. I may be a horrible Muslim, but I'm still Muslim enough to not eat pork, and $250 isn't worth it for me to risk the wrath in the Hereafter. yeah. I said it. Hereafter.
However for $20 thousand...yeah I can take my chances. I'm hoping God would understand a filthy dirty animal is worth the consumption if it pays off your car and can get you refinished kitchen cabinets.

Hmmm, I think I need to revisit this concept a bit more...maybe I can get a side gig by doing retarded things for the dough. The hamster in my head is spinning in his wheel....

The website is down! For you techies

I'm by no means the most tech-savvy person on the planet, but I'm more technical than the average person so I feel comfortable saying that this is simply brilliant for a little homemade video.

The website is down!

Although it looks as if it's Windows NT or 95 that the sales guy has...which is a bit odd, and the tech guy goes from being on a Linux platform to a Mac, BUT i'm overthinking things...it's just highly entertaining for those of us who deal with anything tech at our desks all day. I bet Bryan can jump in and explain more :P

Thanks as always to my fellow cubicle drone Carrie :)

Best. Site. Ever. Period.

If i ever had to live on a deserted island and I was only allowed one website, I would have to pick this blog, hands down:
Blonde cube dweller: I can't get this damn profile to load. Now my screen froze! Fuck this, I'll be a stripper!
I get it straight as an RSS feed to my inbox, and I can honestly say it is the only thing that consistently makes me HAPPY.
THIS SITE MAKES ME HAPPY. Happier than Poutine, dare I say it.

People just post snippets of the retarded crap they've overheard at work. they're mostly just one-liners. Some great ones:
Supervisor: Can you send this letter to The Netherlands?
Receptionist: Where's Neverland?


Male coworker to female coworker: I like your shirt.
Female coworker: Thanks. It's new.
Male coworker: The ruching makes your boobs look really perky.
(awkward pause)
Male coworker: I guess now would be a good time to tell you I'm gay.
Female worker: Yeah, you had me at "ruching"

(omg i'm crying laughing as I post these)
Sales manager: Do me a favor and go help that customer.
Employee: Can't I just touch you inappropriately and get sent home because I make you feel really uncomfortable?
Sales manager: Maybe if I thought there was some feeling behind it.


(in the restroom)
Man #1: You wanna shake it for me when I'm done?
Man #2: What would your wife think?
Man #1: As long as it's not a woman, she doesn't care.


Coworker: Stephanie [the manager] isn't here, so we can say "taint" and "dirty sanchez" all we want!


Guy: Have you seen To Catch a Predator?
Girl: I've read To Kill a Mockingbird.

Manager of maintenance staff, yelling to distant peons: Have you seen a bag with two turkey basters and a jar of vaseline?


I swear this is something that *I* would say:
Coworker #1: You know, Diana* is leaving to move to Austin.
Coworker #2 (bitter and disappointed): I hate it when people leave.
Coworker #3: Really? I like it because we get snacks.


This is real stuff people! Too funny.

Sales peon: You'll have to excuse my intelligence, sir.


Nosey cube dweller: What are you doing after work?
Neighbor of nosey cube drone: Minding my own business. Why, what are you doing?


Slutty waitress: My baby daughter is driving me insane!
Waiter: That'll teach you to pass out at parties.
(slutty waitress glares, storms off)
Waiter, shrugging: Well, it should.


ONE OF THE BEST ONES:
Drone #1: Christ! I need to play the lottery.
Drone #2: Why, how much is it?
Drone #1: 250 million. If I win I'm flipping the bird to this place and you and I are gonna go hit Vegas. I'm gonna die balls deep in some hot stripper.
Drone #2: A female one right?
Drone #1: At 250 million, it won't matter.



Customer: It smells like incest in here... Wait, no, incense.

Manager: How dare my BlackBerry not know how to spell "transvestite?" That's just rude

Teacher: I just love children!
(silence in the room)
Teacher: Medically speaking, of course...



Cube dweller #1: So then "groom," like the horse kind.
Cube dweller #2: Uh, okay, or like the husband.
Cube dweller #3: Or the thing you clean your kitchen with.
Cube dweller #2: Yeah, that's a "broom."


Consultant #1 (reading online purity test): Have you ever slept with a relative?
Consultant #2: Define "relative."

Friday, pics, and how to not be classy

I was going to make a post about a girl I know who has zero class, which thus would have prompted the list of How to be UnClassy.

Thanks to you mofos there on Friday night, I was able to live the tale myself.

Class is very, very important. You can't buy class. You can be super poor and be much more classy than someone with ten times your wealth.

How NOT to be classy, as seen by cough cough me cough on Friday night:

1. Don't eat anything all day except 1/2 a doughnut and a leftover salad before going drinking.
2. Accept every shot of patron offered your way.
3. Make your poor friend drive your drunk ass home.
4. Hug everyone around you. Even if you don't know them. Hugs for all!
5. Start telling people about dreams you had about them that you vowed to NEVER reveal.
6. Argue over who's got a bigger gut by showing your gut to them.
7. When your husband tries to take care of you, yell at him to stop touching you but thatyou want your jeans taken off. (I woke up at 4am, got up to get something to eat 'cause i was starving, and iw as like, "where the f*ck are my pants?!")
8. When your husband gives you a bowl "just in case", and then later tries to take it away, yell at him "It's my bucket! MY BUCKET!" and don't let him have it.

Ugh, my apologies if I offended anyone, I haven't gotten that much of a horrible drunk since Stacey's wedding 5 years ago. I'm much too old to pull drunken antics!

Pics here. At least I hand washed and waxed my SUV myself the next day while hungover to suffer for my sins! But damn i had a fun time!

Oh, how times have changed...

This weekend I saw Die Hard, which I haven't seen in awhile. I love me some John McClane, but only in the early series...I wasn't impressed with Die Hard 4.

What cracked me up is how different today's work environment is from the 80s.
Here's how I figure work life went:
Neanderthals to pre-WW1: it was all dudes, and they ran the show
WW1 and WW2: women were stuck working out of necessity, not 'cause they had to prove anything
1950s: men took their pants back and women (in their infinite wisdom, which I wish stayed this way) were like "eff the workforce, if I gotta cook for you mofos then I'm going to do it on my terms...wearing a polka-dot dress and using my new Maytag oven"

1960s and 1970s: birth control pills REALLY take off, women are so high on drugs they think entering the work force is a GOOD idea (and so is the birth of the 2-income society. Just effing fabulous).

1980s: with the exception of coke, women are pretty much sober but realizing that if they're gonna be in the workforce, they want to be at the TOP of the workforce...if that means dressing like a dude, so be it.

1990s: dropped the coke, less shoulder pads, bright colors a la In Living Color Fly Girls, while the birth of the Sensitive New Age Guy emerges

2000: we all just blend into the same working drones

So back to Die Hard, which obviously took place in the 80s. The scene is some 1980-something holiday party. The Hot Chicks of the office were blond. The Smart Chicks of the office were brunettes with big massive glasses and bad perms. Both Hot Chicks and Smart Chicks wore scrunchies even if they wore suits. Men snorted coke on the job. This was pre-sexual harassment era, so people were free to express themselves through groping and desktop "activities". Everyone looked 'roided out thanks to massive shoulder pads. You could actually SMOKE in the office.

Did no one back then think ANY of this was just a LITTLE BIT EFFED UP?!


Even though I've seen the movie a trillion times, I completely missed this wonderful gem of a scene:
Hans: The following people are to be released from their captors : In Northern Ireland, the seven members of the New Provo Front. In Canada, the five imprisoned leaders of Liberte de Quebec... In Sri Lanka, the nine members of the Asian Dawn movement...
Karl: [mouthing silently] Asian Dawn?
Hans: [covers the radio] I read about them in Time magazine.

Alright, enough man...err, woman-love for John McClane...

It's been awhile

I vowed to write more often and I haven't written in awhile. Funny how your brain goes into crazy overdrive after you give your 2 weeks notice. Friday was my last day, it was pretty emotional and the happy hour after was fantastic (okay, i'm biased since i was drunk as hell).

I sorta feel like I just got out of a relationship. One of those "oh, it's me not you" types. I love the people, but...it just wasn't for me. Not anymore. I'm not the same person as I was at the start of that relationship, and I've felt for awhile like we've grown apart. Still, I feel a little cranky like one feels after a breakup, like "oh, what could have been"...sigh.

In other news, I'm watching the red carpet...PLEASE Jon Stewart, be better than the red carpet crap...although dumbass actors didn't find Jon funny last time...I swear, Hollywood is the LEAST hip place on the planet. It's like you have to be a certified tool in order to make it as an A-lister. That excludes Steve Carrell and George Clooney, who seem pretty straight up.

Wow, Miley Cyrus needs someone to razor down her effing teeth, she looks like she's going to eat Ryan Seacrest.

Jennifer Garner irritates me to no end, but DAYAM she looks great.

It makes me feel good that Jessica Alba looks forgettable. Granted she looks better than anyone ever will pregnant, but still.

Heidi Klum looks so hot, I'd bone her.

I want Xenu to come down and stomp on John Travolta. Him and Kelly Preston irritate the crap out of me, she was digging for compliments when Ryan Seacrest said her dress was "road signal yellow" (or something like that) and she asked "Does that mean I can stop traffic?"...yeah honey that would work if you're 20, not when you're...well at least as old as Xenu.

Ohhhhh Faye Dunaway, she looks like a knockout for an older broad. See Kelly Preston, you need to see how Faye does it...Faye looks like she's ready for a romp in the back of a limo.

Deux Semaines et autres histoires fabuleux

I don't like posting job stuff up on my blog but since this is pretty major I might as well alert the masses...I gave my 2 weeks notice on Monday. I won't list the new job details here, but it's in Irvine and i'm gonna be a project manager...for a totally different industry. I'm pretty freaked, tech writing I could go anywhere and figure the stuff out pretty quickly, but this is a brand new world for me. Eep.

Anyway, that was one of my "goals" for January/February, which thus also means that I've sort of put my other monthly goals on the side 'cause seriously, interviewing wipes you out. All that smiling and being peppy and acting like you're the most fabulous person on earth...it's like your own Miss America pageant. You dont' think of the TRUE answer to give, you think of the RIGHT answer to give, what they want to hear, all while looking flawless and flashing yer teeth.

Interviewing results in a very cranky Sabina. I feel like I need to get extra bitchyness out of my system to even things out.

In other news, check out the very bottom of the page...yes, the year's goal of 15K paid down on the home equity loan is almost down by half...and it's only February. The only reason I was able to pull that off was 'cause a CRAPPY CD i got a few years ago (seriously, the rate was only like 3%) expired, and i hauled ass yesterday to the bank to make sure they didn't roll it over into another crappy CD. Feelin' good.

To top it all off, I've been griping for years now about one dumbass sorta-error on my credit report...a stupid $22 water bill...recap: I paid my utilities with my rent...and they claim they didn't get the payment, i tried to get a hold of my old apartment complex to get them to have my back. Turns out, it got bought out and underwent a condo conversion, no one anywhere had any record I existed or lived there. So, even though i eventually paid it as soon as I found out about it (although i'm sure i already DID pay it, damn apartment people), it's been a huge ding on my credit score ever since. Other than that, my score is flawless...the only thing stopping it from being 850 is that I don't have a huge credit history in the US.

ANYWAY...i've tried disputing it and it's gotten me nowhere...well 2 months ago I did my usual "hmmm wonder what's up in my credit score report these days" and bought my reports again...and only one of the three bureaus still shows that damn alleged delinquent bill. I decided to attempt to put the smackdown again and filed a dispute. Those mother effers don't make it easy, they only give you like EIGHTY characters to state your claim. That gave me one whole sentence to pretty much say "The original bill was paid through my rent cant get a hold of them for proof" or something retarded like that.

Well, long story short: I won! Finally! Experian saw in my favor. Oh happy day! That's been a pain in my ass for years.

Maybe I should buy a lottery ticket.

Money, costco, jobs, and bling

So did some web surfing crap and came across this:
Job-related stress is extremely common. According to the Jobs Rated Almanac, the five most stressful jobs are:
1. President of the United States
2. Firefighter
3. Senior corporate executive
4. Race car driver
5. Taxi driver
The five least stressful jobs, according to the Jobs Rated Almanac, are:
1. Medical records technician
2. Janitor
3. Forklift operator
4. Musical instrument repairer
5. Florist

I think it bothers me a bit that a medical records technician's job isn't stressful...you SHOULD be stressed. Keeps you on your a-game. That being said, I once was item #5 (although being 14 years old nothing is stressful...oh wait, this is me we'er talking about. The only job that I felt wasn't stressful was Le Chateau, because I was there for so long and I was the quickest person on the cash register...so when the store got crazy busy, i was automatically put on the cash register which is easy monkey work).

Naturally being a florist isn't stressful...although I sucked at floral arrangements and the only thing I could do properly was a simple bouquet of a dozen roses (with or without baby's breath, although I preferred to make it without). Other than not being able to arrange anything in a vase, the only other thing that bugged me was that my hands were marred from the roses' thorns...it'd say I had a ratio of 60:40 skin to holes on my palms. Which even then wouldn't be so bad if part of the job didn't involve packaging our own floral preservative, which was like pouring battery acid on all those wounds.

In other news, my Costco membership is expiring and I really don't feel like doling out another $50 for a membership (seriously, I hate costco. Almost as much as I hate 24HF. You have to save $50 just to break even. And their prices are NOT that great...i've compared them elsewhere. I just go for the stuff that's costco-specific) until BBQ season. So last night I went on a huge grocery store spree and ended up talking to the cashier about how much people spend at costco.

She said that people easily blow $10-$15K, mostly because they're buying TVs and stuff. But then we started talking about the jewelry section...when i never really noticed because it's not like I'm going to buy anything and my goal with Costco is to get in and out asap (the longer you're there, the more you spend). She said that one time someone bought a $100K ring. It was 22 carats. They had to get the police to escort them out. Nuts!

And seems like bigwig executives buy jewelry there all the time. So I went again today at lunch and checked out the jewelry section...nothing was $100K, but there WAS a pair of diamond earrings...for $56K. FIFTY SIX THOUSAND DOLLARS...at Costco. I think they were a little over 2 carats. Most of the diamond stuff they had averaged between $2K to $15K. I just can't get over that you can buy a bulk box of detergent...and a pair of earrings that cost more than my car (and heck, i bought my car brand new!).

On to money matters...

So in February I have a CD that's finally expiring. Effing Bank of America...the rate was so crummy. I believe I put in around $3000 and earned $483 in interest. Gasp. Such a huge amount (grumble. I think the crummy rate was 3%, which hardly keeps up with inflation). Anyway, so my debate when it expires has been:
1. Put the $3K towards the HELOC loan, put the rest in the botox fund (it's been awhile since i had it done).
2. Put the $3K towards the HELOC loan, get laser teeth whitening. I am obsessed with teeth, especially my own (naturally), and the past 2 years of drinking diet pepsi has stained them IMO.
3. Put a little under $3K towards teh HELOC loan, get a decent frickin' laptop.

Let's break this down. I went to the dentist today (my dentist kicks ASS. She works at another office and on Wednesday she's going to be working on Brad, Angelina, and all fifty of their kids) and she was like "you're nuts, you're teeth are white, you're fine. Just use the bleaching trays you already have" (another reason why i love my dentist: 'cause they don't sell me crap to make a buck). And the hygienist agreed. But...i personally LIKE teeth that are milk- or paper-white. I've invested alot into my teeth (as have my parents) and if they have to glow to get attention, so be it. There's very few things I like about myself...my teeth deserve center stage.

But...well if she thinks it's not worth it, then fine.

I was going to forego the botox, but this morning I looked in the mirror and I think i wrinkled my forehead IN MY SLEEP. And it's making my whole face look haggard. The only problem with botox is that you do have to maintain it...granted, the mroe you do it the less you have to get it done (i.e. down to 1x/year), but until then it's kinda pricey.

So that leaves the laptop. Which is the smart choice, assuming that I verifythe bootlegged s/w I have (Office 2003, Dreamweaver, etc) works on Vista since that's all you can pretty much get (and i'll i'd want...i wouldn't want to get a laptop with XP only to later upgrade it to Vista since hardware with Vista pre-installed was designed specifically for it. I'm not f*king around with microsoft).

THEN...i was scoping out HP laptops (my favs are HP or Sony Vaio laptops...HP because that printer of mine was kickass and it sens a message ot me about the reliability, Vaio because i had one once for work and loved it), their mousepad track thingy is awful. So...we'll see.

TV Review: Cashmere Mafia

Last night I didn't watch the latest Desperate Housewives or American Gladiators...but I did watch the premiere of Cashmere Mafia.

Sigh. Let's go through each of the ladies before I even give my opinion of the show.


Frances O'Connor (the only i've seen her in was Bedazzled) plays Zoe, one of those workaholic moms married to a workaholic husband who put their little precious children in ballet, soccer, whatever. I think she's supposed to be the most relatable character but I don't think any female on the planet would agree. First off, if you're THAT busy...why the hell do you have your kids in so many things? Maybe I"m just weird because the only thing my mom signed me up for was skating lessons, which I promptly quit after awhile (there's only so much ass pounding a little kid can get...ice hurts. Let that be a lesson into adulthood too).

Probably the worst scene was where her nanny called with some retarded crisis and miss BigWig Zoe took the call during the meeting. I absolutely can't STAND when people take personal calls during meetings, and at the very least you'd set it on vibrate and see if they call back if it's THAT important. Then, to top it off, she continued her meeting from her office, where her little precious ones decided to have some sort of WWE smackdown in there. My mom would have beat me with her name plaque and told me to stay quiet or she'd "beat the bloody life out of" me if she had a work thing. And damn straight that's what she should have done instead of offering ice cream to whoever stayed quiet.

Totally not relatable at all.

Next we have Lucy Liu playing the ever adorable Mia. I actually liked her character the most of out all the girls, but I still have the character she played on Ally McBeal in my mind so I kept expecting her to break out a whip or something.

The problem with her character is definitely no fault of the actress' but you'd think girl would have spoken up and pointed out the retardedness of it all. For example, she's engaged to another coworker...if you're a big wig at a company (and even if you're not), you are NOT going to walk down the hall HOLDING HANDS. Even worse, HOLDING HANDS while your boss is explaining how one person will get a promotion and the other will get fired. And you're not going to constantly kiss in the office either. Unless you want HR on your ass.

The other problem is the crap this girl wears. Carrie Bradshaw could wear funky outfits because she was a work-at-home freelancer. You can't wear low-cut bright dresses in an OFFICE. I don't care if it's New York or Timbuktu, no one's gonna wear that sheeot to the office.

Next up is Bonnie Summerville. Let me say, I keep getting her confused with Monica Potter:


But Bonnie Summerville was on Grosse Pointe, which was one of the best shows that never made it past 1 season. That was the show that was a spoof of Beverly Hills 90210. Sigh.

Anyway, her character is pretty refreshing, not because of the usual "oh i'm hip, I work for some makeup company, blah blah"...but because right off the bat her character isn't sure she's gay. LOVE IT. Now that is relatable, not because I have identity issues but it's nice to see characters that as adults still don't now who they are or what they're going to do with their lives.

Finally we have Miranda Otto who plays some ice queen Juliet. She's also a CFO (CIO, whatever) so we're supposed to think she's a tough modern chick who can make it in a man's world.

Girl looks like her face is botoxed beyond belief. I'm okay with Botox for the rest of us, but my job doesn't require me to show expression.

In her first scene, a buncho f guys in a meeting push their coffee cups towards her like she's some exec assistant, at which point she gives some snotty comment about how important she is. NO ONE in a company would ever push their mug towards a CFO, regardless if they're a chauvinist pig or not (unless the dude was the president or some title above hers). You will never, EVER, find a peon pulling a move like that. Which right away just annoyed me, because I get upset when TV/Movie people don't get the concept of office environments (Office Space: they nailed it. Cashmere Mafia: not so much).

Then in a scene where I think we're supposed to be cheering her on (I couldn't tell, her frozen botox face made it difficult for me to understand whatever feeling she was trying to convey) she tells her unfaithful husband that she's going to take on a lover from any man in the room. The husband then looks scared and naturally takes a chug from his champagne. Really? REALLY? 'Cause if I were him I would have been like "great, now i can keep boning my hot chicks without feeling guilty. And i can leave you because we're equal".

Overall, the show misses the mark. It's supposed to be about 4 hip working friends in NY. It's supposed to be a SATC knock off (it's produced by Darren Star after all). Ohhh how wrong they are. For example, working mom Zoe hides in a closet to make a work phone call because her kids are screaming. That is so effed up, either you yell at your kids to shut the hell up mommy iso n the phone, or you go into a bedroom and close the door. You don't' hide in a CLOSET. To top it off, she used a non-wireless hands-free thing...You have a high paying job, a fancy blackberry phone, and you're telling me your company won't spring $30 for a bluetooth earpiece? If you're that rich, that successful, and that desperate in need for tools to help your life, you'll get yourself a wireless ear doodad. Geezus.

Then there's a scene were Mia emails everyone to meet her for lunch. She emails each and every one SEPARATELY with the same message. How the eff you're going to get a promotion at that inefficient pace is beyond me. Obviously the goal was to see her type in her friend's name, and then the scene where that friend receives the email so we can associate the two. At that point I just get super annoyed because I don't need the producers to dumb it down for me like that, i'll eventually catch onto who's who. Geezus. Or maybe they really don't know you can send one email to multiple recipients.

Bonnie Sumerville's character gets her email while she's having breakfast with a boyfriend who's dumping her. The email says "we need to do lunch". So somehow she goes from having breakfast with the ex to walking over and having lunch...which maybe these people who dont' work in offices understand that breakfast = around 8am or before...lunch = 11:30pm onwards for us office folks. You h ave to be at work somewhere in between.

Overall, the show is just plain awful and will probably get axed once the regular shows come back on the air. Sadly, until then, I will continue to watch because I'm so desperate for a SATC replacement (please Lipstick Jungle be better!) and for something that's not a reality show.

(please excuse any weird words in here, i tried BLogger's spellcheck and it's not so great).

No...it can't be...over...

It's one hour till Sunday, which means there's only a few days in my Xmas vacay left...

Oh the humanity, no! My anxiety is already creeping up. Which maybe contributes to why I screamed at my husband like a madman (madwoman) this morning for using the stupid built-in cutting board instead of a regular dishwasher-friendly cutting board.

Anxiety = bad.

Watched a few DVDs over this holiday...

Movie Review: 28 Weeks Later
I really enjoyed 28 Days Later, mostly because it's concept of a "rage virus" was a fresh take on the usual zombie movies. It doesnt' make sense that dead people attack live people and can move like an athlete on steroids; it does make sense that there's a virus that makes you do crazy sheeot.

Let's just say the original movie is like an Academy Award winning movie compared to the sequel.

The is that 28 weeks later the world decides that you can go back to England because the last of the infected have died of starvation. First off, no one in their right mind would think less than a year later is okay to go back. Secondly, you wouldn't bring back civilians....oh but then you wouldn' thave a movie if you didn't have some retarded civilians effing everything up...

Anyway, I won't even bother with the rest of the review except to say that it's the usual monster comes after the good guys, good guys keep running, monsters keep chasing them, repeat repeat.

Movie Review: Smoking Aces
I was really excited to see this movie, for two reasons:
1. A crapload of people told me it was incredible. I forgot that a crapload of people = masses, and masses of people are generally morons.
2. Ryan Reynolds is ridiculously hot.

The gist of the movie is that there's one dude that has a hit out on him, and the pricetag to whoever can kill him and get his heart is a million bucks. So we follow various groups of hitmen (plus two hit women) plus the FBI agents who are also out to find him before he runs.

Jeremy Piven, who's normally a total blowhard, is VERY good as an egotistical magician who's going nuts in his hotel room knowing that people are out to get him.

And the tales of all the quirky-yet-lovable-or-uber-cool hitmen were very entertaining.

My main beef was the very end...totally predictable AND boring...like they couldn't come up with something else. Except the DVD shows they DID have an alternate ending, which was equally bad.

So...if you don't care about the very end, then I guess it's pretty entertaining. Would have been nicer to have some great fight scenes, instead of just straight-up fight scenes. And you can't go wrong with Ryan Reynolds, beard or no beard. And the DVD outtakes were pretty good.

And because I can, a gratuitous picture of Ryan Reynolds:


I've got out on Netflix "Strangers with Candy" and "Au Revoir Les Enfants", so hopefully those will live up to the hype.

Adult survey

Saw this as a MySpace bulletin and well...you know the drill...it's all about me :P
Meant to be completed by those ADULTS out of high school)

Tired of all of those surveys made up by high school kids?

'Have you ever kissed someone?'
'Missed someone?'
'Told someone you loved them?'
'Drank alcohol?'

Hate all those questions!

Here are some questions for the people who are a little more mature... Okay, okay... OLD FOLKS like us.....

1. What bill do you hate paying the most?
Mortgage bill(s).

2. What's the best place to eat a romantic dinner?
There was this restaurant in Ottawa, argh it was fabulous and expensive and tiny and perfect, right in the Market, but it closed down.

3. Last time you puked from drinking?
Hmmm...i think at Nicole D's bar hopping night.

4. When is the last time you got drunk and danced on a bar?
I've danced on stages and cage thingies but never on a BAR itself...I have this thing to not piss off the bartenders!

5. Name of your first grade teacher?
I remember kingergarten...but 1st and 2nd grade, for the life of me, no idea their names.

6. What do you really want to be doing right now?
Sleeping, watching the rest of Nip/Tuck on DVD, driving a new car

7. What did you want to be when you were growing up?
An artist, and then later either a lawyer OR go into biochemistry/genetics and mutate crap.

8. How many colleges did you attend?
0. In Canada college is different than in the US. I went to The University of Ottawa...ghetttoooo.

9. Why did you wear the shirt that you have on right now?
'Cause it was long enough to reach my waist and i'm wearing lowwwww black pants and i can't be flashing nobody at work.

10. GAS PRICES! First thought?
that I was on empty yesterday.

11. If you could move anywhere and take someone with you, where would you go and who would you take?
Okay i know this sounds awful...but I"d move back to Canada (but somewhere warm, like BC) and take my cat Marmalade. Is that bad that I didn't say Kraig? I jsut couldn't survive without my cat.

12. First thought when the alarm went off this morning?
Hit snooze asap.

13. Last thought before going to sleep last night?
Cartman, RadioHead, and buying pubes.

14. Favorite style of underwear?
Oh PLEASE...it's ALL about that Hanes "best underwear ever" stuff. Thin, stretchy, doesn't ride up but still looks attractive.

15. Favorite style of underwear for the opposite sex?
Boxer briefs. Mmm mmm good.

16. What errand/chore do you despise?
I can't STAND vacuuming. And scrubbing the bathtub. EVERYTHING else is fine. Seriously though. Scrubbing the tub is horrible. That's why I got that Automatic Shower Cleaner.

17. If you didn't have to work, would you volunteer at an art gallery?
Uhhh...no? Is that my only volunteer option? Eff that. If i didnt' have to work, i'd volunteer for an animal cause OR/AND i'd sit on my ass all day watching tv.

18. Get up early or sleep in?
I'd prefer to sleep in, but i end up getting up early.

19. What is your favorite cartoon character?
Tough call...Mr. Burns and Homer (Simpsons)...Butters and Cartman (South Park)...that chick who looks like Betty Boop (Drawn Together)...and of course, all the disney princesses minus Snow White.

20. Favorite NON sexual thing to do at night with a girl/guy?
anything that results in tons and tons of laughing.

21. A secret that you wouldn't mind everyone knowing?
When i went to Target today, they didn't charge me for 2 cases of soda 'cause it was on that bottom part of the shopping cart. And i didn't say anything.

22. Your favorite lunch meat?
Uhhh...like deli meat? It all tastes like the same processed stuff to me.

23. What do you get every time you go into Costco?
I'm anti-costco. But when i DO go...i guess my answer is....ALOTTA CRAP.

24. Beach or lake?
Well lake mission viejo has a manmade beach...i'll take both please.

25. Do you think marriage is an outdated ritual that was invented by people who died at 20?
It's not a ritual, there's alot of legal stuff behind it. Like how you can't be forced to testify for a spouse accused of a crime. Or if your mate is in an accident, you get to make the medical decisions if there's no paperwork saying otherwise. It legally binds you saying you've got a responsibility to someone else now, suck it.

26. Who do you stalk on MySpace?
The Orleans, Ontario page. It's crazy fabulous.

27. Favorite guilty pleasure?
Celebrity stuff. Ohh...and i admit it...i'm STILL watching Fashion House. It's on 6 days a week. I know. It's the WORST SHOW EVER MADE and i'm effing watching it each night.

28. Favorite movie you wouldn't want anyone to find out about?
Listen, don't knock Footloose. It's effing FABULOUS. Kevin Bacon plays a straight guy who is soooo gay, it's crazy (i'm not anti gay. But if you're gay, just be gay dammit). I don't know any guy who vents his anger through GYMNASTICS and DANCING.

29. What's your drink?
Soda: Diet pepsi, no ice. Hot beverage: Tazo Passion Tea + 2 Splendas. Alcohol: some girly martini.

30. Cowboys or Indians?
Uhhh...no preference.

31. Cops or Robbers?
Depends who's on MY side.

32. Do you cheer for the bad guy?
As long as he's not ugly.

33. What Hollywood star do you think resemble?
Sigh. APPARENTLY THE CHICK FROM WAITING...just in an uglier format. And Sophia Coppolla. And BLossom.

34. If you had to pick one, which cast member of "Lost" would you be?
Kate. So i could hookup with Sawyer. I would choose sawyer, but there's no mirrors on that island and I would want to stare at myself all day.

35. What do you want when you are sick?
Sleep.

36. Who from high school would you like to run into?
That i don't already still talk to? Hmmm...i wonder what Rashna is up to. Oh, and Christine Masterson to tell her FINALLY that she's a f*cking bitch, she's pure trash,...which also means i'd want to see that Renata chick who was only in school for 1 year but told Christine Masterson if she lays a hand on me, she'll kick her ass. Ahh, everyone needs a strong friend to protect them!

37. What radio station is your car radio tuned to right now?
No idea. I pretty much just listen to KFI 640 (am) and whatever station has The Triplets.

38. Norm or Cliff?
Norm. Cliff was a PAIN. ANd his mom was always around.

39. The Cosby Show or the Simpsons?
Oh that is such a tough call. I dig both. But the SImpsons are close to my heart, so they win.

40. Worst relationship mistake that you wish you could take back?
I don't think I want to take any of them back, even if things went south they were always good when they were GOOD, you know? And it's always a good learning experience. Although i wish I could knock off "brian-toucan", the dude with the big nose i dated briefly during a "break" with Adam...he was a tool. And a highschool dropout.

41. Do you like the person who sits directly across from you at work?
No one is across from me, but next to me is someone I ADORE, she's fabulous.

42. If you could get away with it, who would you kill?
Without causing ANY pain to those who might care for this person? I can't say, because even if you knew the relationship with that person you'd think i was horrible!

43. What famous person would you like to have dinner with?
Someone hot. It's not like i'm having dinner witht hem because i care for the conversation.

44. What famous person would you like to sleep with?
matthew mcconaughey, nick lachey, tom welling, the rock, ryan reynolds, ryan phillipe

45. Have you ever had to use a fire extinguisher for its intended purpose?
Nope.

46. Last book you read for real?
Right now i'm reading What's Not to Love?: The Adventures of a Mildly Perverted Young Writer

47. Do you have a teddy bear?
No, i grew up with my Curious George stuffed toy

48. Strangest place you have ever brushed your teeth?
My cube.

49. Somewhere in California you've never been and would like to go?
I've pretty much been everywhere in Cali.

50. Number of texts in a day?
Depends.

51. At this point in your life would you rather start a new career or relationship?
Ha ha i'm married, what do you think?

52. Do you go to church?
And by "church", do you mean "Target"? Of course.

53. Pencil or pen?
Purple, medium point ballpoint pens. None of this rollerball crap.

54. bueller??? bueller??? bueller?
You know, i'm not a big fan of that movie for some reason.

55. How many jobs have you had?
Oh geezus I did the math once last year when i wa sstuck in traffic, it was like 27 jobs in 19 years.

56. What do you want to achieve in life?
Wow. Finally a good question. This sounds sooo stupid...but inner peace...

57. RANDOM THOUGHT
"Time heals all wounds", "Cleanliness is next to Godliness", and "if it ain't broke, dont' fix it" are some pretty good words of wisdom.