God bless Modern Family

Manny (little kid): "I've tried everything to get her attention. Opening doors, having milk sent over in the cafeteria, nothing's works".
Jay (stepdad): "Here's the deal, girls don't go for all that romantic stuff. They go for power and success....and since you don't have either one of those things, you're going to be the funny guy".

Every little boy should learn this before he is 13.

Attention smokers...

If the above pic isn't enough to make you quit smoking, then I don't think anything will. No one should be in the same category as this douchebag. I'm half inclined to dye my hair blond just to make sure I have one less thing in common with him.

On another note, when you have EIGHT kids who look up to you (maybe one day they're learn not to) and may emulate you shudder then maybe that should be inspiration enough to quit smoking. Oh that and the press already rips on you, do you really want to give them fodder? The only thing that could make this picture worse would be an Ed Hardy tshirt.

In fact, instead of a warning label on a pack of smokes, just put the above pic. Let's be real, even *I* would be more afraid of being like Jon Gosselin than lung cancer, bad skin, nasty-smelling clothes, and smoker's cough combined.

Housewives of Orange County - tv recap

I was going to write this for a friend who moved to London but I figure i might as well share it for the world.

REcap of last night's Real Housewives Episode:

We're back to Lynn's Cuff Love jewelry showing which somehow only has 5 people despite it being at the St. Regis. And she says she stayed up till 4 in the morning to get ready. Really? 'Cause unless you were cleaning the hotel room too, there was nothing there that took all day to prepare.

Gretchen and Tamra are yelling at each other, Gretchen telling Tamra to shut her piehole to the press and Tamra telling Gretchen she's a whore.

Tamra and Vicki bail out, with Tamra wailing about how Gretchen was boning other dudes while Old Guy (why can i never remember his name?) was dying in the hospital. She yellsh ow Gretchen got $1.7mil after his death.

Gretchen on the other hand is like "uh i didn't get all this dough", so her and Slade have a garage sale (more to come on that, i skipped ahead).

Next day Gretchen says that she had to "unwind" after the St. Regis hotel incident so she called some friends over. Yeah, like you can spontaneously plan a tanning party with a whole spray-tan setup and food at the drop of a hat. Lynn goes over, and we're treated to her spray-tanning topless with Gretchen hold her hands over her boobs to shield her nipples or something. I'd say it was sexy, if Lynn's skin didn't look like the same leather used in her Cuff Love bracelets.

We also are treatedto Slade getting his spray tan on, wearing only a sock. He actually seems to treat her pretty well and I never watched the shwo when he dated the other 2 housewives. I will however say dude is a COMPLETE moron and a douche all in one.

Cut to Tamra and Vicki going to eat at Hannah's (in Rancho Santa Margarita if anyone cares..it's in the Entertainment Book...their food is so-so in my opinion) which was conveniently empty other than the 2 of them. Tamra's bitching about how they're upside down in their home, how they're probably going to have to sell it. You can hate Vicki all you want, but on her little side blurb she's like "Okay, you need money. So GET A JOB."

Oh Simon, Tamra's husband, is only selling tequila now...he's not doing the car sales thing anymore, which naturally Vicki had an opinion on. One that she didn't say to Tamra's face.

Jeana's last episode I thinkis next week, so we see her going budget shopping with her and her daughter at H&M at South Coast. The recession has hit all of these rich biotches really hard. (Although, i like Jeana and her daughter is the only one who's got half a brain). She's had to sell a few cars, watches, and artwork to afford her house. She tries selling this like 12mil house to some rich OC dude ($9mil if he wants it unfurnished). The best is Jeana's sales pitch: "You guys looked really good in that house". Apparently rich people buy homes that flatter their looks like a nice sweater.

Lynn goes to a plastic surgeon and is planning a facelift. Her "ugly" daughter is getting a nose job for her birthday. The "pretty" sister goes into a huge crying fit saying that she wishes everyone would stop changing, when you really realize she just wants someone to blow some dough on her. The "ugly" sister got a bmw the year before for her birthday. The best is the "pretty" sister's argument for why the "ugly" sister shouldn't get a nose job:
"last year mom and dad paid 10, 16, 20 thousand or whatever on that car of yours!"
If i were Lynn i'd say "uh honey, that was a $60k car...you know...if you're going to make an argument...."
(i'm taking an average here, since the bottom of the line BMWs start at $30-something K)

Apparently this whole episode is about how hard up everyone is except for Vicki. She, her mom, and her daughter go to Rome. Vicki needs 4 outfits a day: morning one, a pool one, a cocktail one, and a dinner one. Of which, her daughter was all "why can't your cocktail one be the same as the dinner one?". Their hotel is $540 a night, and it's not even as big as my bedroom. Vicki attempts to get the waiter as some restaurant to tell her what Italian wine she would like if she says which California wine she likes. Italians apparently don't give a sh*t about Californian wine (and they shouldn't).

Cut to Tamra in her palace...she no longer can afford $500 a month on a maid so now all the kids and her clean. There's one scene where two of the kids are fighting over who gets to clean the toilet (uh, do they want to come to my house? there's enough toilets so they ALL can clean one!). they get a real estate agent over, and they talk about how their "compromise" on some flooring was to get "shaker tile" which i've never even heard of. Sidebar of Tamra yakking about how her marriage isn't as good, how sad she is to give up the house where it was the first and only hosue they brought one of their babies home to after she gave birth, cue crying. (it was actually kind of touching, it was about the memories for her not the $$)

Gretchen and Slade have a garage sale, he lectures her about how to present and organize her "merchandise". No one shows up, i'm guessing because she lives in an area where the 6am mexican families aren't going to drive around (if so, they'd buy her stuff up like crazy, she had some good stuff! and they dont f*ck around when they bring their trucks...they're your #1 customer!) like gated Coto de Caza....or maybe she didn't put an ad up on Craigslist...or maybe it was like 3pm by the time she was done with it.

Finally...
We get the intro to The New Girl. I guess she'd be hot in real life, but I still say Gretchen is way hotter. This woman looks like she's 28-going-on-45. New Girl (NG), New Girls' Husband (NGH), Tamra, and Simon are out to dinner. It's a lot of mundane retarded chat that's supposed to make us believe Tamra and Simon have a sh*tty marriage whereas NG and NGH have some amazing loving one. NGH is beyond FUG so he must make bank.

next week there's one of those 'behind the scenes' or whatever they're called shows where that retarded guy who interviews the housewives at the end of the season gets them together for Jeana's going away interview. And we see that Vicki and NG don't get along, especially with Vicki telling the new girl "bring it!".

I lost a few brain cells to Bravo last night for sure.

Glee - Defying Gravity

I'm so effing lazy these days, I'm even too lazy to gripe about how lazy I am.

Anyway, it's worth posting here how incredible Glee was last night. Everything from Finn sticking up to himself against Quinn, Puck being a stud and wanting to pay for his can't-admit-it's-mine baby, and the Diva Off between Rachel and Kurt.

Love love the song "Defying Gravity" from Wicked, here's the version played in the show, where Kurt throws the high F note on purpose.

Found online though, their own respective versions and Kurt's doesn't have voice falter in this one:

Original from the show (direct link)



Rachel-only version (direct link)



Kurt-only version (direct link)


If Rachel wasn't such an obnoxious character I'd begrudgingly admit that hers was still better.

IM with my mom: customer service edition

Damn,I'm SO my mother's daughter. This reminds me of the White House/Black Market dress incident with the dry cleaners.

(Pierre is my parents' neighbor, my cat accidentally got locked in their garage, he tried to bitch that his car had claws until my dad pwned him by telling him that Smokey is declawed.)

My_mom (9:49 AM): whats up, how was the weekend
Me (9:51 AM): it was okay. and yours?
My_mom (9:52 AM): ok, just a bit upset because of pierre saying whether we ever thought of putting smokey down

My_mom (9:52 AM): he doesnt look in good shape and limps
My_mom (9:52 AM): do u think he is in excrutiating pain because of his arthritis in right hip and knee?
Me (9:53 AM): well how bad is he limping?
My_mom (9:53 AM): like u saw him last time, it hasnt gone worse
Me (9:53 AM): He seemed fine. i would ask the vet if he's in pain, not Pierre.
My_mom (9:54 AM): sometimes he limps less, sometimes it bothers him more
My_mom (9:54 AM): still pierre shouldnt make such a suggestion, dad thought it was rude
Me (9:55 AM): yes it was.

My_mom (9:56 AM): so smokey was shut into their garage whole night, and jumped on their car, they checked it but luckily no scratches
Me (9:56 AM): ok
My_mom (9:57 AM): but they knew because smokey left paw prints all over... so dad said "we pay if he wants to have it washed professionaly"... pierre said "it's ok, he will just hose it down"

My_mom (9:57 AM): but if his limping gets worse, i might resort to free him of that pain,... what do u think?
My_mom (9:58 AM): it's an awful feeling having to do that, it would really be the last resort

Me (9:58 AM): ask the vet for his opinion on the pain.
My_mom (9:58 AM): remember when smokey was left by his last owner at that vet, why was he brought in to that vet?
My_mom (9:59 AM): i think it must have been that injury that is now hounding him
Me (10:00 AM): ok
My_mom (10:00 AM): ok what

My_mom (10:00 AM): it was a leg injury right?
Me (10:02 AM): i don't know. I don't remember.
My_mom (10:02 AM): well i remember u saying something of that nature
Me (10:02 AM): i always thought it was for his ears.
My_mom (10:02 AM): also in humans, injuries we get earlier in life return as arthritis in old age

My_mom (10:03 AM): no u said his paws or something
My_mom (10:03 AM): poor baby
My_mom (10:03 AM): but he has been a good boy in general, i dont just want to get rid of him like he was garbage now that he is old
Me (10:04 AM): then ask the vet.

My_mom (10:04 AM): i really want god to decide when its smokeys time
Me (10:05 AM): Okay then give him tons of pain medication and don't let him out at night anymore.
My_mom (10:06 AM): he doesnt go out at night, just a bit in the evening, then he is happy whole night at home

My_mom (10:06 AM): a bit in the morning and thats it
Me (10:07 AM): well it's enough to get him trapped somewhere.
My_mom (10:08 AM): he only stays around the house, doesnt go far anymore, those days are over
Me (10:09 AM): apparently not, since he just got locked into a garage.
My_mom (10:09 AM): well now we check making sure their garage door is closed, also they will now make doubly sure no cat is in there before closing
My_mom (10:10 AM): anyway, i talk to the vet again

My_mom (10:10 AM): if he starts limping harder, i think i might resort to the worst, but it will very hard to do and i will feel awful for a long time to come
My_mom (10:11 AM): had some problem with "weed man"
My_mom (10:11 AM): lawncare company
My_mom (10:11 AM): on thursday they had the aeration done on our lawn, even so i cancelled it a month earlier...
My_mom (10:12 AM): i made then one mistake i didnt write down the name of the woman on the phone...

My_mom (10:13 AM): but i know the day and timei told the service guy who came about it, he said there was no note of it on his papers. so i called the office after the aeration...
Me (10:13 AM): and...

My_mom (10:14 AM): asked to speak to the supervisor... some woman named cynthia came on (bet she even wasnt one)
My_mom (10:14 AM): i told her dad i had cancelled it and still someone came... told her day and time, but said i neglegted to write down the name of the girl i spoke to...
My_mom (10:15 AM): i have been with them vor 3 years now, always paid for any services and that woman cynthia was so rude when i said i wasnt going to pay for something i cancelled

Me (10:15 AM): So then don't pay.
My_mom (10:15 AM): she said flat out they will hand it over to the collection agency
My_mom (10:16 AM): i said........... u have just now lost a customer
Me (10:16 AM): You have to have agreed to something for that to happen. It's very easy. Heck, give me the number of them and I'll call. Did you sign something saying that they will come on that day and you'll pay it?

Me (10:17 AM): Just give me their info. I'll take care of it. They can't take it to a collection agency like that. It's very easy to fight.
Me (10:17 AM): Unless they actually did the service.

My_mom (10:17 AM): then i thought this woman couldnt have been a manager and i called back about an hour later and was told the highest person to talk was amanda blythe, left a message for her to call on friday and so far she hasnt called
My_mom (10:17 AM): well they did the service on thursday anyway, even so i cancelled
Me (10:18 AM): that could be a problem. But still, i would put it all in writing at this point. If it's all by phone, you can't prove that you disputed it.
Me (10:18 AM): And when you do it in writing, send it by certified mail.

My_mom (10:19 AM): on 21st sept. evenings someone called and asked whether we want the aeration done.. i said "ok".. the next day i called 22. sept. and said i want it cancelled... the girl there said ok and that was that. i thought all was ok
My_mom (10:19 AM): dad said... well they did perform a service, we want to have it done next year anyway, pay and never use them again

My_mom (10:20 AM): 79 $ isnt worth the hassle... point is "the way that cynthia person talked to me was unacceptable

My_mom (10:21 AM): i thought of writing a registered letter
My_mom (10:21 AM): to that amanda person, either doesnt care, or because the office staff knows about me and never left my message for her to call me on her desk
My_mom (10:21 AM): i strongly suspect that

My_mom (10:23 AM): because i called several times on friday, she is in a meeting, she is on the phone, she just stepped out for lunch... she doesnt call back without leaving a message
My_mom (10:23 AM): without someone leaving a message why she should call back
My_mom (10:23 AM): i said i want to talk to her myself
Me (10:26 AM): send a letter.

My_mom (10:27 AM): i write one and u have to correct it with your writing skills, ok?
My_mom (10:27 AM): do u agree with dad we should pay anyway?
My_mom (10:28 AM): even so i pay, i write to the better business bureau, chamber of commerce and the ottawa citizen
My_mom (10:28 AM): they have a corner in the newspaper for that
Me (10:29 AM): No, i wouldn't pay, but you should always get the name of who you canceled with. do you remember the date and approximate time of the call?

Me (10:29 AM): You need to reference that then at least.
My_mom (10:29 AM): i remember day and time
My_mom (10:29 AM): 22 september 2:30 p.m. approx.

My_mom (10:30 AM): after they put some top organic soil on our lawn
Me (10:30 AM): The date that you canceled, not the day they came out.
My_mom (10:30 AM): which again wanted to have done beginning november because of the falling leaves that need to be picked up

My_mom (10:31 AM): that is the day i cancelled... after the topsoil
My_mom (10:31 AM): 22. september
My_mom (10:32 AM): so they seem to do whatever they like, if it cant be done in november this guy who called to sell weed man services should have said so
My_mom (10:32 AM): we wanted the grass cleared from leaves first, then put that topsoil on

My_mom (10:33 AM): because with that topsoil dad can only to the raking now, using the leave blower-shredder is no good, it will suck in the topsoil too
Me (10:33 AM): if you have a date and time, then tell that to the manager and find out who was working the phones that day.
My_mom (10:33 AM): and i told her that and then i said i want to cancel the aireration

My_mom (10:34 AM): exactly
My_mom (10:34 AM): but they can all deny it

My_mom (10:34 AM): who knows maybe it was on file, but the girl didnt pass it on
My_mom (10:35 AM): and that cynthia could have easily erased it when i called so no proof is there and no one can be blamed
Me (10:35 AM): no, that's not hte point. Just make note of the name. Because they want to know if their employees are slacking off.
My_mom (10:35 AM): man i'm still so mad

My_mom (10:36 AM): what i will do is make a note of all this on paper while i still remember it all
Me (10:36 AM): ok
My_mom (10:36 AM): well i thought there was no need to, normally i do, big mistake to slacken off myself

My_mom (10:37 AM): that with the weed man, the vet with smokey and pierre thingie, made me so upset whole weekend
Me (10:39 AM): sorry
My_mom (10:40 AM): sigh
My_mom (10:40 AM): almost 2 and still no phone call

Me (10:42 AM): If you called Friday, on Monday most businesses are just to catch up from teh weekend and plan for the week. You won't get a call probably till Tues or Wed.
My_mom (10:42 AM): lets see, in the meantime i put everything in writing
My_mom (10:42 AM): so its all ready

My_mom (10:42 AM): c u later hugs
Me (10:43 AM): bye

Why Kristen Stewart annoys me

This video nails EXACTLY why Kristen Stewart is annoying and can't act her way out of a paper bag. Her appeal reminds me of that of Mischa Barton in her OC days. Kristen better enjoy her Twilight fame now, 'cause she's not going much further than that.

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

IM with my mom: pizza parlor edition

My_mom (10:14 AM): hows it going
Me (10:16 AM): its going

My_mom (10:17 AM): hint if u ever want to make your own pizza.... go to a pizza parlour, buy fresh dough for pizza
My_mom (10:17 AM): bought 2 large uncooked pizza dough 3 weeks ago for just 6 $
My_mom (10:17 AM): not worth making your own
My_mom (10:17 AM): made my own pizza
My_mom (10:18 AM): i mean used my own toppings

Me (10:18 AM): i have never made my own pizza dough. You don't need to go to a pizza parlor to get dough, the grocery store sells it premade.

My_mom (10:18 AM): 2 large pizzas cost usually 34 $ or so
Me (10:18 AM): 2 large pizzas here costs like 15.


My_mom (10:18 AM): u mean the one already rolled out?
My_mom (10:18 AM): thats no good, tried it
Me (10:19 AM): ok
Me (10:19 AM): um no

Me (10:19 AM): you can buy dough
Me (10:19 AM): that you roll out yourself
My_mom (10:19 AM): which section?

Me (10:19 AM): frozen i'm guessing, since you can freeze pizza dough
Me (10:19 AM): they have it fresh at some stores like Trader Joes
My_mom (10:20 AM): i have to look, but that was pretty good too
Me (10:20 AM): ok

My_mom (10:20 AM): like making your own
My_mom (10:21 AM): 3 $ for the dough of one
My_mom (10:21 AM): anyway, c u later hugs

Me (10:22 AM): ok

I don't understand

I understand why over the course of 100 years women decided to cut their hair and wear jeans.

At what point did guys want to wear lipstick and eyeliner? I get the desire to want to be incognito by the clown makeup, i'm sure it was super cheap at Walmart on November 1st. Most guys seem wary to even apply chapstick.

Is there any point in a dude's life where the thought of wearing makeup seems appealing?

IM with my mom: eating pets edition

This is me being polite with my mom...previous to this she grilling me on a bunch of crap. On one hand i'm irritated out of my skull, on the other hand the Bad Daughter Guilt kicks in because i don't take the time to talk to her, etc...

My_Mom (9:41 AM): anyway, how r the cats
My_Mom (9:42 AM): ?
My_Mom (9:42 AM): your babies
Me (9:42 AM): they're fine

My_Mom (9:43 AM): marma is a good girl these days? lol
My_Mom (9:43 AM): will u get another cat when marma dies?
Me (9:44 AM): no

My_Mom (9:44 AM): when smokey is gone, no more cats for us, we are getting to old and its not fair on a cat when we go before the cat
Me (9:44 AM): ok

My_Mom (9:44 AM): plus we dont really have anyone to look after when we want to go away... and we dont really want to bother anyone either
My_Mom (9:45 AM): if u would be here, then that would be easy
My_Mom (9:46 AM): next door mike they love cats, i know they would look after it, but i hate bothering anyone really
Me (9:46 AM): okay
My_Mom (9:46 AM): trudi also would look after it, again the bother
Me (9:47 AM): i understand.

My_Mom (9:48 AM): which is sad, because i love cats
My_Mom (9:48 AM): so another one would have found a good home, considering so many need a good home and not all people treat animals nice
My_Mom (9:49 AM): animals really got the bad end of stick in this life, they are treated so bad
Me (9:49 AM): ok

My_Mom (9:49 AM): would u have liked to be a vet?
My_Mom (9:49 AM): u r good with animals
Me (9:51 AM): sure.
My_Mom (9:51 AM): and as such one can help animals too, to volunteer work as well
My_Mom (9:51 AM): do not to
My_Mom (9:52 AM): in china they eat cats and dogs
My_Mom (9:52 AM): it is now practise to buy one of a special breed to eat, depending the fancy
My_Mom (9:54 AM): ((my uncle)) saw a report on china before the olympics....
Me (9:54 AM): ok

My_Mom (9:55 AM): on the market they keep live cats... people point to the one they want... with a nooze they grab the cat by the neck, immerse it alive in boiling water, that it practically rips the fur of its body, the cats scream in pain, then they kill it
My_Mom (9:56 AM): i wish so much i could do something to stop that, at least have the mercy to kill the animal first
My_Mom (9:56 AM): but they say, that way the meat tastes better
My_Mom (9:56 AM): sickening
My_Mom (9:57 AM): so much bad things happening in this world, its so frustrating
My_Mom (9:57 AM): anyway, i let u go now, c u hugs
Me (9:59 AM): bye

Movie Review: Jennifer's Body

I'm too lazy to fix the sizing of the embedded video. Suck it. Facebook readers, the original post with images and vids can be found here:http://randomthoughtsandgripes.blogspot.com/2009/09/movie-review-jennifers-body.html )
I figured it would be good to get off my lazy non-blogging ass to write a movie review...

Let's backtrack a little. A few years ago I first saw a pic of Megan Fox and immediately knew she would de-throne Angelina for the sexiest chick alive (don't try to argue with me on anyone else. Other women may be more beautiful, but we're talking "oozing sex appeal" here. Like, "my eyebrows are arched so perfectly it's almost like a cartoon but it makes me a vixen" sex appeal.) So I relished the opportunity for my self esteem to plummet another trillion notches.

I anticipated this to be a badly-made horror movie. Especially since the previews seemed to have shown the scariest (i use that term loosely) parts. Sarah, Maria and I went crazy late on Tuesday night, the theater was dead, so ooooohhh spooky right?

Within the first 20 mins of the movie I actually burst out laughing so loud that if other people were in the theater, I would have had a beatdown.

This is a comedy folks, with hints of gore.

Jennifer's Body is about two best friends, one's uber hot (Jennifer) and one's an uber nerd (nicknamed Needy) but has the cutesy boyfriend who's sexuality extends to 4 minutes of bad pumping and aptly named "Chip". Hot chick Jennifer get possessed by a demon, eats up boys. Needy wants to stop her. Chaos ensues.

You can guess how this ends of course, with Needy being the prototype for the latest female protagonist: nerd girl who roughs up the bad guy to save her man. I kinda dig this trend, it's a lot easier to maintain than the Linda Hamilton T2-type heroine.

That really is the movie in a nutshell.

The best part of the movie however was the quick wit; Diablo Cody (Juno)'s 'ish is effing hilarious. This may very well be the best dialog in history:
Needy: Those guys are creeps. I told them you were a virgin.
Jennifer: Virgin...I'm not even a back-door virgin, thanks to (points to dude at other end of the bar). I had to sit on a bag of frozen peas for a week.

A few other great ones:
Chip (when his mother tries to get him to carry pepper spray): I can take care of myself. I've been using the Bowflex.
*******************
Jennifer (upon the sight of Needy's jacked up hands from cleaning monster vomit): You need a mani bad. You should find a Chinese chick to buff your situation.

I would buy the DVD purely for the closed captioning to get all the wonderfully inappropriate one-liners.

The movie wouldn't be complete without some chick-on-chick action, which if you were a 12 year old boy you would have nutted right then and there. I'll save you the $10 for a movie ticket and show you the entire sequence here. Not gonna lie, they did a pretty good job, even though both actresses said it was purely gratuitous.



For Facebook readers, link to movie scene is here: http://link.brightcove.com/services/player/bcpid41190866001?bctid=41728524001
Oh alright...for you boys that need some extra oomph to create that baby batter, here's an outtake from a shot where we're supposed to believe she's naked:


If you want to read a half-decent movie review that actually tells you about the movie and not so much about ways for 12 year old boys to whack off, see Sarah's website: http://www.fatally-yours.com/horror-reviews/jennifers-body-2009/

Klingon Tech Writers

Scammed from http://www.documentia.ca/klingon.htm

This is brilliant.

Klingon Technical Writers

The top 16 things likely to be overheard if you had Klingon technical writers working on your documentation team:

1. Klingons do not sit in meetings, we take what we want and kill anyone who opposes us!

2. Certification?! Taking your head and putting it on a pike in my office is all the certification I need!

3. I will return to the homeworld and my documentation will arise triumphant in the STC Documentation Gauntlet, leaving all others drowning in their own dangling modifiers. It will be glorious!!

4. Not returning my review copies by the agreed deadline is a declaration of war. Indeed, it is a good day to die.

5. These software specifications are for the weak and timid!!

6. This version of Word is a piece of GAGH! I need the latest version of Framemaker if I am to do battle with this manual.

7. You cannot really appreciate Dilbert unless you've read it in the original Klingon.

8. Indentation?! I will show you how to indent when I indent your skull!
Holy ((bleep)) the above is probably the most brilliant sentence ever written. Ever.

9. What is this talk of "drafts"? Klingons do not make document "drafts". Our documents escape, leaving a bloody trail of SMEs in its wake!

10. Passive voice is a sign of weakness. Its elimination will be quick.

11. Proofreading? Klingons do not proofread. Our documents are purified with pain-sticks which cleanses the documents of impurities.

12. I have challenged the entire Marketing and R&D team to a Bat-Leh contest! They will not concern us again.

13. A TRUE Klingon warrior riddles his document with bullets, leaving it to beg for mercy.

14. By changing the layout of my manual, you have challenged the honor of my family. Prepare to die!

15. You question the worthiness of my grammar? I should kill you where you stand!

16. Our users will know fear and cower before our suite of manuals and online help! Ship it! Ship it and let them flee like the dogs they are!

Hi, I have a PR person and they can spell.

Hmmm...really Kanye? If you're going to make something sound like you, then please add a touch of asshole to it. All caps, some "...............", a ton of exclamation marks.

And one gives a sh*t if you feel like a character in a fictional movie.

Now you owe Ben Stiller an apology.

Not to give Kanye more props...

((Update: dammit, the apology got taken down off Photobucket. It was an all-caps drunken asshole apology from Kanye))

((Update again: i just realized I say "news flash" a lot. Suck it.))

(for people reading from FB, i just linked a screenshot of Kanye's so-called apology to Taylor Swift, unclickable link here: http://i382.photobucket.com/albums/oo268/Antpantsss/jzaxf.jpg)

Let's go through what makes Kanye the KING of douches:
1. ALL CAPS. Come ON. I know he doesn't have a desk job and doesn't need to think about usability, but on what planet do you think an entire paragraph in all caps is necessary? Oh because you think your words are SO MUCH MORE IMPORTANT than everyone else's words.
Do not abuse Caps Lock.

2. He first says she's talented, then makes a dig at her lyrics. She's fucking 19 years old. When you're 19, that stuff is huge to you. I was unaware that
Talkin', talkin', talkin', talk
Baby lets just knock it off
They don't know what we been through
They don't know 'bout me and you
was pulitzer prize-winning penmanship. Her music isn't really my type, but take it for what it's worth: fun country/pop songs that are meant for teenage girls with crushes and are fun for us 30 year olds to drive to. That's it.
I highly doubt the above lyrics are any more deep than "she wears high heels, i wear tshirts, she's cheer captain and i'm on the bleachers".
(and let's not forget: her subway singing at the VMAs was a trillion times more amazing and displays her talent way more than anything I've ever seen Kanye do)

3. Adding to the ALL CAPS...the need for excessive exclamation marks. I'm reading your words. I get that you're yelling. I get that because I saw you yelling on stage even though you had a mic. You wanna be effective? One or two exclamation marks. Max.

4. The excessive "...". I use that a lot, i know, but damn if it's gonna take up half a sentence then just take a second to stop, think, THEN write. No one needs to know when you're pausing because you're ranting.

5. Saying you'll apologize to Taylor tomorrow means jack when she can read, you moron. "Hey, I'll just post a sarcastic all-caps message to my fans that really 'get me' and then placate everyone by saying I'll apologize to her tomorrow, she'll NEVER know that I don't mean it! Hee hee..." If you have what i'm assuming is 20 minutes to type a paragraph (i'm assuming that took him 20 minutes because he can't type worth crap, it's all caps, and i sure hope he was on a blackberry otherwise there's no excuse for the shorthand numbering scheme...someone that challenged isn't a fast typist), then take 20 minutes to post a heartfelt apology to HER, not a message to your fans or whoever the hell you think reads your crap.

6. "I'm still happy for Taylor". News flash: you being happy or not is irrelevant. No one cares if you were mad or happy or felt like slitting your wrist. You weren't nominated. It wasn't your award. You were six degrees away only because:
Kanye + Jay Z = video
Jay z + Beyonce = marriage
Beyonce + VMAs = nominated
VMAs + Taylor Swift = Kevin Bacon

So just becuase you are happy for someone doesn't mean you can ruin their moment. If that's the case, I'd like to know if at someone's wedding i can run up, splash wine on the bride, then later say "But i'm still happy for the lucky couple!". No one cares dude.

7. You apologize to your friends at MTV...i'm gonna guess you've burned that bridge and you don't even realize it.

8. "No disrespect but we watching the show from the crib right now because, well, you know". Umm kanye, news flash: if you were watching it at home that means it's a rerun. You were there live. It was aired live. So who you think you're disrespecting by going home and watching it, we don't know. Oh did you think you were disrespecting someone by not going to their after-party? News flash: you probably would have been ripped a new one and left anyway. it's certainly not your choice that you're not attending those events, so don't say you don't mean to disrespect anyone. (Hey maybe think about not disrespecting someone when you rip a microphone from a teenage girl's hands when she wins her first VMA ever).

9. Please learn to spell "Booyah" correctly.

10. So you gave your award to Outkast when you felt you should've handed it over. Whoop-de-frickin-do. So you're a martyr. That was when YOU felt you should hand it over. TAYLOR didn't feel she should hand it over. And to be honest, Beyonce's video is cool but it's just her and 2 other chicks dancing. "Beautiful Nightmare"'s video is wayyy better and that wasn't even nominated. Hell, I personally felt Pink should have won because that video is wicked entertaining and she pokes fun of herself. But I digress. Just because YOU felt Beyonce should win doesnt' mean everyone else agrees, so your "everyone should be as humble as me" is hypocritical at best.

I'm sure OUtkast was like "uhh...yeah...we'll just FedEx this baby back to you tomorrow..."

11. You say you're not crazy, you're just real. Dude...stick with crazy. Really. Otherwise you're just a real asshole.

12. I don't understand what being booed has to do with being a fan of "real" pop culture. No one has taught Kanye what pop culture means. The VMAs themselves, part of pop culture. Taylor winning an award and not Beyonce? Not pop culture. Oh but let's be real...5 years from now when VH1 has the World Series of Pop Culture, YOU get to be the pop culture question:
"Who won the VMA in 2009 when Kanye Douchebag West rushed the stage and wailed that Beyonce should have won?"

13. You really feel bad for Taylor and you're sincerely sorry, right after you wrote how she should have given up her award and how her lyrics don't show talent. Kanye, little bit of a news flash: when you read the last line of a paragraph, that usually also means they read all the letters before it as well.

Basically Kanye needs to have his own award show where he hates white people and gives awards to himself.

IM with my mom: cat urine edition

Monday, September 14, 2009
MOM (9:28 AM): hi bean
MOM (9:28 AM): how was san diego?
Me (9:42 AM): i only went for a little while
MOM (9:42 AM): still did u have fun
Me (9:42 AM): yup
MOM (9:42 AM): how long does it take to get there?
Me (9:43 AM): depends on traffic...around 1-1.5 hours
MOM (9:43 AM): oh and i said to dad it was just 1/2 hr
MOM (9:44 AM): the swedish comany ericson bought part of nortel and is hiring 600 people.... lets hope ((my uncle)) will get a job
Me (9:44 AM): i don't remember even telling Dad i was driving to san diego
MOM (9:44 AM): i told him
Me (9:44 AM): i hope he gets a job
MOM (9:45 AM): for his family's sake, ((my uncle's wife)) is such a nice person and the kids worry so much about their dad not having a good job
Me (9:46 AM): yep
MOM (9:47 AM): nice day today, pleasant 23c
MOM (9:47 AM): how is marma
Me (9:47 AM): she's good
MOM (9:48 AM): no little mess here and there?
Me (9:48 AM): nope

MOM (9:48 AM): why not anymore?
MOM (9:49 AM): i still remember her once we sat on your bed, and marma so full of trust rolls on her back and waited for u to cuddle her belly... cats only do that to people they trust
Me (9:49 AM): because shes' getting insulin
MOM (9:50 AM): but didnt she have the need to mark the spot so to speak?
Me (9:50 AM): no

MOM (9:50 AM): well she peed all over
MOM (9:50 AM): anyway thats a relief for u
Me (9:51 AM): she didn't pee all over...it was just when she jumped because her bladder was so full from drinking so much water because her blood sugar
MOM (9:51 AM): u deserve a break, u both deserve a break
Me (9:51 AM): or when she was just straight up mad
Me (9:51 AM): thank you, yes a break would be nice

MOM (9:51 AM): ok
MOM (9:52 AM): and her urine smelled worse then a healthy cat too, poor baby, she is sick, all she needed was help
Me (9:52 AM): yup
MOM (9:53 AM): cats are usually clean
MOM (9:53 AM): smokey is getting old

MOM (9:53 AM): like when he lies down, its in slower motion
Me (9:54 AM): yup
MOM (9:54 AM): he was bad last night didnt come in at 11, just sat on the front lawn
MOM (9:54 AM): until then he just stays around the yard really, doesnt wander off, only after 11 he start wandering, but not to far
Me (9:55 AM): ok

MOM (9:55 AM): and this morning he didnt want to come in, he slept at the bottom of the stairs against the garage, dad picked him up and brought him in
MOM (9:56 AM): when he is out i always hope he doesnt eat any mice
MOM (9:56 AM): he can get worms from that
Me (9:57 AM): yep

MOM (9:58 AM): anyway, i leave u now, hugs, dont work to hard
MOM (9:58 AM): stay in touch with ((brother))
Me (9:58 AM): ok

Stop the wrinkles, stop the madness!

Something MUST be wrong with me. It's not like I don't have the words in my brain. For some reason, lately I've been too lazy to type them out. 2 years ago, my brain would have burst if I didn't write in a blog. Now...meh. My thoughts don't seem as important.

Wah wah!

There's something interesting that happes as you delve deeper into your 30s. It's safe to say i was ahead of the curve in terms of wrinkle and other "curse-ed you time and your effects of aging, i'm waving my fist in the air!". Paranoid, sure, call it what you want. When i was 20 i remembered how at 5 years old i vowed to start using wrinkle cream. When i was 25, i had a quarterlife crisis. And i've had a series of crises ever since. At 29 I had botox. Twice.

When you're in your 30s, everyone else finally catches up. You're not the only one lamenting cellulite despite the exercise you do. You're not the only one freaking out over a few grey hairs. You tell people you buy wrinkles cream, they compare it to what they use.

Which, as you can guess, has spawned a whole new series of aging freakouts for me. Before at least people would say "you don't need that!"...now, when people are doing the same as you, then you REALLY know the aging countdown has begun.

Sadly the older I get the less money I seem to have for discretionary spending. (Is that even the correct use of "discretionary spending"? I'm looking for the grownup way of saying "fun money").

Here's what I'm on now:
Alternating between Aveeno Positively Radiant Daily Moisturizer SPF 30 (okay, i didn't buy this, i got this bottle for free otherwise i probably wouldn't use it...but it's pretty good) and Oil of Olay Regenerist Serum...if Consumers Reports says it's the best, even better than Creme de la Mer, i'm down for it. I also use La Roche Posay SPF 45 to 60, which you can't get in the states.

I just added some Origins eye cream containing some foreign, patent-pending fancy shmancy crap. I wasn't thinking too much about eye creams, figuring just slathering on the regular stuff everywhere would be fine.

Oh how wrong I was.

I generally don't buy sunglasses that are too dark because I'm retarded and dark glasses = hard to tell stop light colors. How I would know this I don't know, since I've never owned dark sunglasses. I've had my polarized ray bans for years, so there's never been any reason to change them.

The other day though I shrieked in horror when i looked at my reflection in the car mirror: the wrinkles made by squinting weren't unwrinkling.

This is a problem.

A big one.

it takes awhile after i've gone back inside for the squinty wrinkles to go away. Now you can't get botox anywhere inside your eye socket, otherwise i'd sell a kidney and start that process again. I suppose if i do it on my upper cheekbone it might sorta work, but that's not normal I don't think.

So...for now...gonna keep dousing myself with this Origins stuff and research optimal eye cream usage. Or wait until Consumers Reports tells me what to do.

Aging f*cking sucks balls. Donkey balls.

IM with my mom

Damn I really need to get around to posting more wtf!

So this is the 4th IM with my mom today. I sort of ordered her to get me some stuff from Canada (I would get my friends to do it, but then I'd have to pay them back. Moms don't require payback, which is good when your husband is laid off). It's apparently a big frickin' deal to get me some of the whole list:


Thursday, August 20, 2009
My_Mom (3:12 PM): hi bean
My_Mom (3:12 PM): got u the stuff, 2 each cookies, muffing mix, 1 large jar of peanutbutter, 2 dollar off, lucky me
My_Mom (3:13 PM): and those choco bars, bought them in a package of 4, cheaper
My_Mom (3:13 PM): lucky we had just the right size of box at home
My_Mom (3:14 PM): send email and let me know whether u want me to send it to your home addy or to your work addy

My_Mom (3:14 PM): since u arent at home during the day
Me(3:17 PM): kraig is home during thd ay
Me(3:17 PM): the day
My_Mom (3:18 PM): just talking to him

Me(3:18 PM): is the peanut butter the one that says 25% les sfat or whatever
My_Mom (3:18 PM): yes, was the last jar since it was on sale
My_Mom (3:18 PM): at no frills
Me(3:18 PM): thank you

My_Mom (3:19 PM): dont like that store, but i guess they do have good sales, otherwise its not any cheaper
My_Mom (3:19 PM): so where do u want me to send it
My_Mom (3:20 PM): ?

Me(3:20 PM): home
Me(3:21 PM): thank you
My_Mom (3:21 PM): ok, well u would have to pick it up from the post office, since u aint at home when they deliver
My_Mom (3:21 PM): want fit in the mailbox
Me(3:22 PM): They leave packages at the front door.
Me(3:22 PM): Unless you do something like FedEx that requires a signature.
My_Mom (3:23 PM): dont ask me to do that to often, sent a carebear years ago to ((my niece's))'s bday and that costed a fortune, also it wasnt heavy, but they also measure the size of the box... so i took the box home again and stuffed the poor thing into a smaller box, which flattened the poor care bear

My_Mom (3:23 PM): at the front door, isnt that dangerous, someone will steal it, also when its hot, all that chocolate
My_Mom (3:24 PM): it will melt
Me(3:24 PM): As i said, kraig is home.
Me(3:24 PM): And there's shade on my patio.
My_Mom (3:24 PM): oh yeah forgot, lol

Me(3:24 PM): And chocolate bars are made to withstand some level of heat.
My_Mom (3:24 PM): well they dont throw the box over the fence into your yard
My_Mom (3:25 PM): well not to much if its whole day sitting there

Me(3:25 PM): It will be fine.
My_Mom (3:25 PM): but kraig is home, so he better be around, or wont be away to long if he has to go out
My_Mom (3:25 PM): k
My_Mom (3:25 PM): anyway, c u hugs
Me(3:26 PM): bye

Grim

I'm 32.

I vow to write more. I got into this mentality that there was nothing important enough to blog about. Uhhh this is "random thoughts and gripes"...by virtue it's supposed to be pointless.

However just to note...

1. It sucks when a spouse loses their job and you have a mortgage. Being a grownup sucks.

2. Someone I know lost their daughter today. I can't fathom what that must feel like. I really can't.

Being a grownup sucks.

3. Someone I grew up with (well, babysat) is getting a divorce...this shocks me, to me she's still a kid let alone someone who's married and ready to divorce.

Being a grownup sucks.

Yeah, grim and unfun. I'll write more upbeat bitching in days to come...right now I'm just sort of in awe of how, as a kid, you think being an adult is the best thing EVER.

Our 9-year-old selves were wrong.

IM with my mom - insecticide edition

Yes, i know i need to post...I've been so uninspired by my own bitching lately

My_Mom (9:37 AM): hi bean

Me (9:39 AM): hello

My_Mom (9:39 AM): hows it going, how are the catos?

My_Mom (9:39 AM): kraig?

My_Mom (9:39 AM): how is his job doing? is it safe?

Me (9:39 AM): everyone's fine

My_Mom (9:40 AM): uncle tasneem isnt coming next weekend, postponed till end of august

My_Mom (9:44 AM): very hot this week, like +29

Me (9:47 AM): why august

My_Mom (9:47 AM): well by then his son will have to bring his stuff anyway and move into the dorm

My_Mom (9:50 AM): around 20th august ramadan starts

Me (9:50 AM): okay

My_Mom (9:51 AM): r u planning to have any kids?

Me (9:51 AM): sure

My_Mom (9:51 AM): just wondering

Me (9:52 AM): ok

My_Mom (9:53 AM): whatelse is new?

My_Mom (9:53 AM): r u sitting a lot on your patio?

My_Mom (9:53 AM): loved those palm trees

My_Mom (9:54 AM): must be dwarf types, but they sure gave shade

Me (9:54 AM): yep

My_Mom (9:54 AM): did u do anything about the ants at the side of your livingroom window?

My_Mom (9:55 AM): u know insecticide helps

Me (9:55 AM): i didn't know we had ants.

My_Mom (9:55 AM): u said so back when i visited

My_Mom (9:55 AM): thats why that lonely plant wasnt doing well

My_Mom (9:56 AM): u all got ants, ((my brother)) too, thats why they come in and raid your house

My_Mom (9:56 AM): a couple of years we didnt do the insecticide and ants started to come into the house

My_Mom (9:57 AM): wouldnt be surprised u got them under your patio

My_Mom (9:57 AM): thats why patiostone slabs are better i think

My_Mom (9:57 AM): plus mice can hide underneath

Me (9:58 AM): ok

My_Mom (9:59 AM): also wood looks kind of cozy

My_Mom (9:59 AM): anyway, i let u get back to work

My_Mom (9:59 AM): c u hugs

Me (10:00 AM): bye

In the "WTF" category

Uh i wanted to do a search on where to find CA taxs laws, specifically whether it was legal for Verizon to charge sales tax based on the FULL price of a device instead of the price you're being charged, and this is what i got:



Shrooms and gold? Really? More people are looking for GOLD than for a Wii fit?

IM with my mom - boring edition

My_mom (9:24 AM): hi bean r u lurking around ?
My_mom (9:26 AM): guess not, c u
ME (9:30 AM): i'm here

My_mom (9:30 AM): oh there u r
My_mom (9:30 AM): hows it going?
My_mom (9:30 AM): how r your babies?
ME (9:31 AM): they're fine

My_mom (9:32 AM): friday is here again, another week gone, time flies, its scary
My_mom (9:32 AM): we got lots of rain since thursday
ME (9:32 AM): it's raining here too

My_mom (9:32 AM): going to last another week
My_mom (9:33 AM): good for the grass seeds i put in, the backyard never looked so good
My_mom (9:33 AM): trying to find some nice comtemporary planters for the backyard, cant find any
My_mom (9:33 AM): they all look like urns, so ugly
My_mom (9:35 AM): last year in september loblaws had some nice ones on sale, but then i didnt need them, this year i do and i cant find them again
ME (9:36 AM): okay

My_mom (9:36 AM): i guess i just have to keep searching until i find what i like
My_mom (9:36 AM): i just hate those old fashion kind, that make a place look like a graveyard
ME (9:37 AM): yep

My_mom (9:37 AM): cant believe some people have them
My_mom (9:38 AM): because in the back i just want pots with flowers, more manageable
ME (9:38 AM): okay

My_mom (9:39 AM): unless one is an avid gardener, like mike and louise next door, those plants grow out of control very fast
My_mom (9:39 AM): i hate that, i hate gardening
ME (9:40 AM): then...don't garden.

My_mom (9:40 AM): i dont, just do the bare minimum
My_mom (9:40 AM): a bit has to be done however
My_mom (9:43 AM): anyway, c u later hugs

man...it's hard to IM your mother sometimes...err, all the time.

IM with my mom - career edition

My Mom (8:16 AM): how is marma?
Me (8:17 AM): she's fine

My Mom (8:17 AM): is she on a special diet?
My Mom (8:18 AM): did u manage to ask the vet what to feed an old cat?
My Mom (8:18 AM): like our granpapie smokey?
Me (8:18 AM): yes she is on a diabetic diet, and no i didn't ask what to feed an old cat. but i can if you want.

My Mom (8:19 AM): well because u saw the vet i thought u asked
My Mom (8:19 AM): i can call mine too and get advise
Me (8:19 AM): i had other things to ask when i was at the vet

My Mom (8:20 AM): ok np
Me (8:21 AM): how are you doing these days

My Mom (8:22 AM): who me?
Me (8:22 AM): obviously

My Mom (8:23 AM): i'm ok, as usual, may is allergy season for me, but with windows closed i'm ok. it helped to cut low that tree in the back, when it flowers it creates terrible probs
My Mom (8:24 AM): saturday late evening i went to walmart, coming back i took with dad a bag of basmati rise, 80 lbs, that was in the back of the car and straight away i noticed i had red eyes
My Mom (8:24 AM): so may is bad for me
My Mom is Available (8:26 AM)
My Mom (8:25 AM): how is your french?
Me (8:26 AM): i've lost a lot of it.

My Mom (8:26 AM): :(
My Mom (8:26 AM): u could have gotten a good gvmnt job here
My Mom (8:26 AM): 30 years int he gvmt and u can retire
Me (8:27 AM): I did have a government job. They don't pay crap.note: I worked for 3 years in the Canadian government when I was a student...but it wasn't a "real" job. It was a "we're the government and every year we have to hire X many university students as part of some initiative to give them working experience...so if they have a pulse, hire them"

My Mom (8:27 AM): u had a student job at the gvmt
Me (8:27 AM): And you forget that I LIVED in ottawa when I graduated. There were no jobs that I was qualified for.

My Mom (8:27 AM): that dont pay well
Me (8:28 AM): They wanted full-on programmers, which I'm not.

Me (8:28 AM): And i didn't have a business degree.
Me (8:28 AM): So that pretty much left nothing.
My Mom (8:28 AM): a while back they looked for technical writers
Me (8:28 AM): Yes probably with experience. When i graduated, I had none.
Me (8:28 AM): And i would have had to take a french test for that

My Mom (8:28 AM): now u would be ok
Me (8:28 AM): i can't do technical writing in french
My Mom (8:29 AM): ok

Me (8:29 AM): No, i wouldn't be okay now, because i don't have the technical vocab in french
Me (8:29 AM): Maybe one day i'll work for the canadian government, but not now.
My Mom (8:29 AM): ok

My Mom (8:29 AM): just saying
My Mom (8:30 AM): to late now, u decided to live in the usa
Me (8:36 AM): yup

Me (8:36 AM): my life is ruined
My Mom (8:37 AM): lol it cant be that bad

Me (8:37 AM): well it's too late for me to get a government job and all
My Mom (8:37 AM): not really
My Mom (8:38 AM): and u r smart, u can knock them dead

Me (8:38 AM): you're the one who wrote "too late now, you decided to live in the usa"
Me (8:38 AM): but thank you for the compliment

My Mom (8:38 AM): one thing u and ((my brother)) are, is tough
My Mom (8:38 AM): u know how to kick in the door if u have to
My Mom (8:39 AM): hehe
Me (8:40 AM): yep
My Mom (8:41 AM): lol

My Mom (8:41 AM): i guess in todays job market u have to
My Mom (8:42 AM): anyway, got errands to run, c u

I'm having a delayed quarter-life crisis

Yeah. I said it. 

I'm almost 32 and I realized that my quarter-life crisis has been at a slow and steady pace since I was around 28.

All this bitching, all this griping...it all makes sense now! Before I was merely an annoying chick who was never satisfied and felt the need to let the whole world know her complaints. BUT NOW...it has been solved! I've just been going through a crisis, but at such a slow pace that I didn't realize it.

At least men in their 40s and 50s wake up and buy cars. Sadly, I can't do that. And I actually like my car. In fact, I love Eleanor. She has been good to me. Eleanor, baby, I'm sorry I haven't washed you in like 2 months. I know baby. A car is a reflection of its owner, and right now I look pretty hygienically unsound.

So what's a girl to do when she realizes that she's gone though the stupid fun years of her life and doesn't know what to do as a grownup?

Oh sure...there's all the grownup things. Job. 401k. House. No...house PAYMENTS. Sending out way too many holiday cards in December on behalf of "us". Laundry. Proper nutrition. 

But there's a shift in mentality that needs to take place. I feel like each chapter of our lives is represented by an entrance. Well, I haven't crossed the doorway. I've just been chillin' on the front porch so that I can keep my eye on the door from my Oh Look Sweet Freedom I'm On My Own Now! This Is Going To Rock Years. It's like turning my head and charging through that doorway indicates that I should bet that person. The kind that in every year earlier in your life, you never wanted to become. The one who talks mortgages (already do), bills(already do), weather (already do), and politics (already do although I aim to be as ignorant as possible with the exception of socialized healthcare which i feel damn passionately about...wtf in the States we pay more per capita for healthcare yet the #1 reason for bankruptcy is healthcare costs. Ahhh my tangent...I'll bring it back in now).

Listen, I'm not gonna lie. I'm not cool. I've never been cool. I just want ONE opportunity to be cool and then I promise I'll turn my head from peering into that party house that represents youth. So what constitutes "cool"? We don't want to be the 32yo equivalent of the douchebag old guy who gets a new corvette, or even worse, a new miata.

Options include:

Tattoos

Everyone's got one now. So I think at this rate if I got one I become a crazy conformist. And it's just so...permanent. I have NOTHING on me that's permanent other than scars, and I desperately slather Mederma and prescription scar cream in hopes of one day miraculously waking up to flawless skin. Why am I paying to have that occur? Although...the cheesy "made in Canada" logo that people in Canada get would seem pretty nifty and different when you live in the States.  But still...getting a tattoo would make me feel like it's the body part equivalent of getting a miata (not for others...but for me, since it's so out of character). The whole point of why it was cool once upon a time was the pain factor combined with the stigma of doing something so ooohhhh "wrong" to your body in a permanent fashion. I'm sure there's plenty of nerds to tattoo "Hello World" or "void foo(int a)" so really...I'll pass.

Splurge on an expensive grownup purse

There comes a time in every woman's life when she splurges and gets that one designer bag she's dying for. Guys, don't even TRY to understand this. And lord knows, I've provided many a slobbery goo over the pretty things I've seen here in Orange County. But my paranoia exceeds my desire, and my fear of being robbed prevents me from ever starting a "nice expensive prettttyyy purse fund so that I can stop justifying why I have 25 non-designer bags that although they're cute and functional, it's just not the same". I don't think I would get robbed for the purse. I think I would just get robbed, period. Regardless if my purse were Hermes or Target, I can still get robbed. The last thing I want is to be negotiating with a robber "For real, take the CONTENTS of the purse. Take my wallet, take my cell. Just leave me my purse and my lipgloss. Please."

Get a whole new hair-do

Been there, done that. Spent forever feeling like Eva Longoria's ugly sister. While my hair still looks better, all it does is make me feel that I should have been visiting Henry the Stylist years ago.

Pursue a Master's degree

This falls under the "I don't know what I want to be when I grow up". Well the other parts of life that involve bills make this not so much an option (well, everything's an option. But the risks/consequences/stress aren't worth the potential outcome of it providing me with what I'd want). Plus I once looked up the whole thing of having my Canadian degree scoped out to see if it fits whatever requirements, and that just seemed like one big pain in the ass. It was 4 years of hell at horrific Ottawa U, I'd like to not revisit that past in order to attempt a future degree.

Plastic Surgery

Well I haven't had plastic surgery, but I did get a "cosmetic procedure" a few times. And it was AWESOME. Like...for real...I can't speak enough on the merits of injecting food poisoning into your face. God bless the team that used this for medical purposes only to discover their patients were lookin' mighty fine. Sadly it's a little hard to justify the cost vs. the frequency it needs to be done. Sigh. I've got syringes from my cat's insulin and plenty of meat I can let sit on the counter...can't I just scoop up some of the moldy goo, inject it into my forehead, and see what fun ensues?

So what's a girl with a delayed quarter-life crisis to do? 

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Ha you thought I had an answer? Hardly.  Probably just a good ol' fashioned bitch slapping session with someone finally PUSHING me through that entryway into grownup world.

Facebook users, original link can be found here in case you care.

Damn...gets me EVERY time...

Listening to streaming XM (woo hoo thanks Syl), Breathe "Hands to Heaven" gets me every single frickin' time I hear it.

As I watch you move, across the moonlit room
There's so much tenderness in your loving
Tomorrow I must leave, the dawn knows no reprieve
God give me strength when I am leaving

Chorus:
So raise your hands to heaven and pray
That we'll be back together someday
Tonight, I need your sweet caress
Hold me in the darkness
Tonight, you calm my restlessness
You relieve my sadness

As we move to embrace, tears run down your face
I whisper words of love, so softly
I can't believe this pain, it's driving me insane
Without your touch, life will be lonely

Repeat Chorus

Morning has come,
I must pack my bags and say goodbye,
Goodbye

God bless Craigslist

When you need a laugh, the Best-of-CL always does the trick.
LOVE this:
Well, since I seem to have a very specific type, I'll just lay it out there.
I'm apparently really into the shiftless layabouts. If you are unemployed, unmotivated and possibly still live with your parents... you could be next in my long line of failed relationships! Just think of it... an educated woman to show you how things work (hey, I'm even handy around the house - you won't have to raise a finger!). A woman with drive, ambition and goals to contrast your utter lack of motivation. A girl with a thick skin who can roll with the punches and both dish out AND take jokes... I'll be happy to be the one who doesn't sugar-coat things so that you can blame ME for all of your hurt feelings and failures. It's probably even ALREADY my fault and you haven't even emailed me!

I am completely co-depedant, so you don't have to worry about me booting you to the curb over petty things (like finances, commitment or general civility). In fact, you could probably take my cash, sleep with another girl and then come over and break some things in my house and I'd just clean it up and continue along our path of destruction.

So if you're looking for a lady to use and abuse, I'm your girl! I have a house, a car, a life, friends, pets and my shit together. Please, I need some sort of zeitgeist in my life to screw all of this up! It's been way too long since I've been reminded of how awesome it is to be undervalued.

I'm over on minutes this month, otherwise I'd put my phone number up for you to call right away (either from your parents' landline or collect, from jail). So just email me and maybe we can work something out. Pick you up? Well, yeah, if you need me to! Baltimore? No problem. It's only about an hour's drive. I don't mind one bit, I've got nothing but time!

Source

IM with my mom - housing edition

Mom (1:21 PM): r u there?
ME (1:22 PM): yes
ME (1:22 PM): marmalade is fine
Mom (1:22 PM): ok

Mom (1:22 PM): how r things?
ME (1:23 PM): they're okay
Mom (1:23 PM): marmalade her former self again?
ME (1:23 PM): not fully, but getting there
Mom (1:23 PM): awww poor baby
ME (1:23 PM): yep

Mom (1:24 PM): how do u manage giving her that insulin by needle?
Mom (1:24 PM): isnt she kind of wiggly and slippery?
ME (1:24 PM): no, you just grab her fur and she doesn't really move
ME (1:24 PM): scruff her

Mom (1:25 PM): oh she got used to it maybe
ME (1:25 PM): yep

Mom (1:25 PM): she knows u mean well
Mom (1:25 PM): she trusts u
ME (1:25 PM): yep

ME (1:25 PM): how was your holiday weekend
Mom (1:25 PM): same as always, a bit cool
Mom (1:25 PM): nothing eventful
ME (1:26 PM): did ((Uncle X)) find a job?
Mom (1:27 PM): well he got a job as a mechanical engineer, not the job he would have liked, but its better than nothing, but not in water testing

Mom (1:27 PM): he is also a mechanical engineer studied at red river college in winnipeg
Mom (1:28 PM): went to see the new houses they are building on 10th line across innes road behind that mall. dont like how close they build houses next to each other these days
Mom (1:29 PM): right now i actually like my house again, not as squooshed together
Mom (1:29 PM): but all very nice and modern

Mom (1:30 PM): ((Uncle X)) and ((Aunt X)) want to buy a bigger house, she runs a daycare at home and always looses kids because they are not close to school... so they thought maybe to buy one closer to school
Mom (1:31 PM): so they asked me to have a look at those minto houses here
Mom (1:31 PM): but if we sell our house, we want a bungalow

ME (1:31 PM): do not sell your house
Mom (1:31 PM): those stairs are dangerous for older folks
Mom (1:32 PM): why not?

ME (1:32 PM): because you have no loan, and the housing market is crap everywhere anyway.
Mom (1:33 PM): well thats what i thought all the way home, no more loans is nice too.... but if we keep this house, we need to do some upgrading...

Mom (1:33 PM): like... windows, our stairs are damaged and creak a lot and our bathrooms
Mom (1:34 PM): needs new cabinets, they are crap and the upstairs needs a new mirror
Mom (1:35 PM): i wish i hate white basins, toilet and bathtub too

Mom (1:35 PM): to do the upstairs up like that completely would cost 10 000
Mom (1:35 PM): workers want a lot of money
ME (1:35 PM): your cabinets are new

Mom (1:36 PM): the actual material isnt even that bad
Mom (1:36 PM): no they are still old
Mom (1:36 PM): the kitchen is new

Mom (1:36 PM): just to put in the cabinets in both b-rooms will cost 4000
ME (1:37 PM): ok
Mom (1:38 PM): they are crap, minto used the cheapes material possible and one can see that
Mom (1:38 PM): and the stairs we got are to narrow to start with

ME (1:38 PM): ok
Mom (1:38 PM): everyone is replacing them, thats why ((my brother)) always slipped
Mom (1:39 PM): plus our stairs are cracked
Mom (1:39 PM): one of these days we are going to fall right through it

ME (1:39 PM): ok
Mom (1:39 PM): one thing i wish we didnt have is that dividing wall in the livingroom and dinning room
Mom (1:40 PM): so stupid to put that in, doesnt serve a purpose at all... cause without one can choose whether one wants a nice big livingroom, or a both
Mom (1:41 PM): then i would use the front area as dining area, the one with the bay window

ME (1:41 PM): ok
ME (1:41 PM): do as you must
Mom (1:41 PM): anyway, then again it is nice not to worry about a stupid mortgage anymore

ME (1:42 PM): yep
Mom (1:42 PM): mortgage and car payments are the two biggest killers
Mom (1:43 PM): so if we would move, we would buy a bungalow, but dreaming is free
Mom (1:43 PM): hehe
Mom (1:43 PM): dont think i want one where its so built up, even roads are narrower
Mom (1:43 PM): it would be a bit outside
Mom (1:43 PM): just dreaming, dont mind me
Mom (1:44 PM): dad just came home
Mom (1:44 PM): c u hugs

ME (1:44 PM): k

Why television rocks...

GOD i love television.

Desperate Housewives:

"When we don't like someone, we don't punish them or say mean things...just find subtle ways to make them feel bad about their lives." -Gaby

Movie Review: BEAM ME UP SCOTTY

No spoilers here, unless you're hardcore and don't even watch previews.

Everyone's got a season of Star Trek they like (if you don't...well...what can I say. You probably have

 a life.), mine's always been the old skool cheesy initial series. Captain Kirk being paunchy yet still a ladies/mutants/aliens' man has always been endearing. 

Plus, The Trouble with Tribbles ( full episode here ) was absolutely brilliant.

That being said, I'm not a fan of the movies because it's just plain depressing. Big screen old guys playing characters from their former days of glory doesn't impress me.

Finding out JJ Abrams was doing a prequel of sorts gave me everything I wanted: old skool crew combined with youth. It's a win-win.

The movie's got exactly what you'd expect in terms of action and drama. The usual schpiel of bad guy coming after the crew, bad guy getting the upper hand, then when it seems all hope is lost Kirk saves the day with some bold gutsy move. Did that spoil it? It's not like you didn't know they'd live, since it's a prequel.

I gotta admit, the script is brilliant. I don't care how much CG you toss in a movie, if the script is balls then to me the whole movie just seems like moviemakers bank on general audience stupidity.  The combo of drama vs. comedic timing is effing fantastic. Which is no easy feat for for actors who have to play other actors playing well-known characters. 

The scene stealer is Karl Urban as Bones McCoy.  Perfect swagger, perfect crankiness, perfect deadpan delivery  ("My ex-wife got the planet in the divorce. I have nothing left except my bones."). In fact, he should have his own movie, Bones ER. Then Dr. G

reen and Dr. Carter can show up as sidekicks. Also gotta give props to Simon Pegg as Scotty, except...well...he's Simon Pegg.  Of course he's going to be amazing. In fact...Simon Pegg should make a cameo on Bones ER as a headstrong patient who insists on taking matters in his own hands despite the Doc Bones' orders. Hilarity ensues.

There's a few things that irked me. Like, somewhere between his youth to the future, Spock gets braces. Starfleet must have fantastic healthcare insurance.

And initially I was all "ohhhhhh Chris Pine...dark hair...blue eyes...ohhh"...well by the end of the movie, not so hot. He's got horrific skin (chemical peel please!) and he's got this huge mole near his right ear which I spent most of the movie thinking it was just a remnant from all the fights he gets in. I'm just sayin'....Spock eventually gets braces, I sure hope Cap'n Kirk gets some outpatient skin work done.

I was hoping they'd glow like this...but I got scammed.

So overall...I actually give the movie an A for nostalgia and great writing...but a D for frame-by-frame photoshopping of Spock and Kirk.

For FB readers, original post here (not that it matters, everyone comments in FB anyway):

http://randomthoughtsandgripes.blogspot.com/2009/05/movie-review-beam-me-up-scotty.html

dang - comments

Dang, now that everyone reads my blog from Facebook and leaves comments there, it's like I'm a loser typing this here with no readers :P

(On another note, to add that Tony also is in the same "bucket" as Bryan in the last post, however Tony and I have a mutual hate for people...and since we're both people, the last thing we'd do is hang out alone at night watching a DVD. Maybe at best he'd watch one at home, i'd watch one at home, and then we'd send a text saying "that movie sucked donkey balls" at the end)

Grownup Rulez

Note to Facebook readers: original post is here in case images don't show up and you really give a crap. Which I don't blame you if you don't...i wouldn't.

It's been awhile since I've ranted about life as a grownup, so I figure the latest installment is due. A few more things I now know at 31-turning-32 that I probably didn't think too much about when I was 21-turning-22

1. Life doesn't always follow the rules.
Common sense right? But it's so ingrained in us...get good grades. Go to university. Get a job. Get a spouse. Get a kid or two. Get retirement. Go die.

When things go off-track from that, especially when you've tried so hard to follow the rules within your power, it really throws you for a loop. Is it a disservice to teach your kids the Rules of Life? Or is better to prepare them for anything...regardless of education, marriage, etc? I think of something Christine once wrote...she was writing about a series of crappy things that had happened, and ended it with "so is life".

Indeed. What life is isn't the list of grades/university/job/spouse/kids/retirement/death.

Life is everything surrounding that...DUIs for one whole beer, weekend trips with friends, miscarriages, summer barbecue traditions, learning the political game at work, onset of adult allergies, the inability to be with the one you love for reasons beyond your control, figuring out that your paycheck doesn't pay the rent, medical issues that stop everything else in your life (pay your copays with a credit card or keep ALL receipts when made by cash, those f*ckers will come back saying you didn't pay your copay...uh how else did I get to walk through the door and see the doc?!), juggling family visits, calls to customer service for the billion things that always seem to go wrong (lesson learned: bang on "0" a bunch)....there should be a Checklist of Life that parents should teach their kids before they truly start their life as a grownup on their own. The checklist would be huge, but if you can crank out some of the obvious ones then you'll better equip your offspring so they're not curled in a fetal position crying with their Linus-style blanket.

2. Being an adult carries a tremendous amount of responsibility

Again, you'd think common sense right? Not so much...people think they know this, but they don't. Hell, I'm even guilty of this I know, I know, you thought I was flawless. Retarded behavior once acceptable in your youth doesn't cut it as an adult. I'm not talking about say, getting wasted the night before a final exam.

I'm talking sacrificing an immediate want for a future need. When you realize that you can't have that iPod because rent is due next week. When you're able to remember that you can't go travel with friends because you know your yearly car insurance bill is due to come in any day now and you'll have to live lean for awhile. It's anticipating the future need without it being blatantly in front of you in bill format.

When I had my Sentra, every year around January something major would happen that would cost me $1k-$2k. Still cheaper than buying a new car, but yeah it was a good chunk of money that I had to start anticipating as a result of driving a deathtrap. So as soon as I paid my credit card for that, I would put money away not in a "holy crap i lost my job" emergency fund, but in an "argh, this month x y z things came up and I don't have the cash!" fund.

It's also not a monetary responsibility. There's much more responsibility to those around you. Realizing that you can't be a brat to your mom anymore...she's simply just elderly and old-skool, which may have annoyed you as a kid but as an adult it's now your responsibility to manage the relationship and be the peacemaker. While I'm nowhere the same brat who slammed her bedroom door so often it broke off the hinges, I'm significantly better at dealing with my bizarro mother. It's that when you make a commitment to friends, you honor them. Everything from paying them back for $20 loaned or a ride to the airport yes, one time I accidentally drove to work and by the time I got there received a call from Carrie wondering when I was going to pick her up. STILL feel awful about that to this day. If you borrow something, you give it back as soon as possible in the same condition they gave it to you, even if it means inconveniencing yourself. Being a person of character.

As an adult, you don't have to do the above...but you learn pretty quickly that life works generally much better when you do.

3. Life is unfair

This cliche is used so often, you'd think we'd truly understand this by the time we're 5. In your teens (assuming you haven't had to deal with some earth shattering "grownup" tragedy like death of your parents) it seems more like "But it's not FAIR that i have to work while SoAndSo doesn't have to!" or "Stupid bus! It came and left early! Now I'm going to miss my exam!". Or like the person who was behind you in line for a raffle ticket wins.

It's more along the lines of deciding whether to abort your baby when you receive a prognosis with horrible odds. Deciding if you should continue to be with someone you love even though in return you won't receive what you so desperately crave. Debating whether your beloved pet's condition is severe enough to warrant euthanasia and which decision is the less selfish of the two. What to do when faced with a compulsive gambling spouse who is jeopardizing everything but insists things are under control...do you stay and suffer, do you battle it through and beg for counseling, and even then do you stick around when it gets worse in hopes it'll get better, do you just pack up and bail?

Life is often unfair not because a single event will occur...rather, it's unfair because oftentimes you are faced to choose between two crappy options of the same weight but drastically different consequences.

Sophie's choice.
**side note: I spent forever reading that book, dying to know what her stupid choice was. I should have just rented the movie. I didn't care about the movie, the plot, anything. I just wanted to know the choice. However when I started reading I wasn't sure when the "choice" would be made evident so I didn't just flip to the last page to check, figuring that if the choice came in early in the book it might be worth reading through. Oh, how mistaken I was. By the end of it I was like "really? She just has to pick which of her two kids has to die? Well what the hell that wasn't worth reading this behemoth novel over. She could have just said "I made a crappy choice. I killed my son". Of which, I don't remember which kid she chose now anyway.

4. For the most part, you did create your life

When you're younger, you're stuck going with the flow of whatever your parents/the law/the man make you do. So eventually it's like your teacher shoving you on stage for a school play...rehearsing is fine and all, but uhhh...wow...there's alotta people out there. Looking at you. Everyone...looking...at...you. And it's all on you. No one's reading you your lines. Something on the set might break, you'll have to improvise. Deviate from the original plan. Someone might deliberately try to sabotage you. Someone might screw up. But the choices and decisions made, even if made unprepared on the fly, got you for the most part where you are today.

Find me a CEO of a large, successful organization who just stumbled upon that position.

Granted, the "life is unfair" part can guide a significant part. Having to declare bankruptcy because you got cancer and have thousands of bucks of medical bills...yeah, that's outta your hands. However, a lot of other things ARE within your control. Tree falls on your house? Out of your control. Responsible enough to have double-checked yearly that you have adequate insurance? Within your control. (Although i did see on the news a guy who had a tree fall on his house, insurance covered it, was dropped from his insurance, then another tree landed on it. That would suck donkey balls. So obviously there's a juggle between this item and the unfairness of life.) Losing your job? Might be out of your control. Foresight to save up and cut back on expenses? Within your control. Ties into #2...if you shopped like a mofo all year then don't expect pity when you lose your job and have nothing. You CHOSE that path. At some point when you're a full-on grownup you're capable of stepping back and seeing all the steps YOU took to get to where you are, bad or good.

5. Relationships are not the same as in your youth

Not talking romantic relationships. We're talking friendships here. In your teens and in college, you can be buddies with everyone...no matter their gender. It's all good, 'cause it's not like for the most part anyone's rushing to get married and almost no one IS married. You remain firm in your belief that a guy can "just be friends" with a girl. And then you grow up and realize it's not the same when you're in the next stage of life.

The stage of being a working professional, not a new grad. Of having friends that are married, divorced, co-habitating, on-again-off-again. Having kids, wanting kids, losing kids. Home buying. Not being able to afford to buy. Not buying because of a career decision. This a whole different stage in life, and relationships don't work the same way as in your teens/college years/early 20s.

The first time I realized this was when I got engaged. Suddenly, 90% of all guys I knew fell off the face of the earth. I was always the girl who hung out with the guys. I was the one who tagged along with the guys when they did retarded crap. I studied a program for 4 years with all guys minus ONE girl (thank the lord for Natalie). I went into a male-dominated industry where I'll be in a meeting with 25 guys...and me. Suddenly having a ton of guys mysteriously disappear was very odd for the girl who prided herself on being kind of a guy's girl.

It's not that I was some femme fatale...rather, the nature of the relationships with them was forced to change as a result of my status change. While maybe it was okay to hang out and watch a DVD on the couch with a buddy doing shots, it's not appropriate anymore when you have a significant other. It's okay to go to lunch with guys...but doing a late night dinner at 9? Not so much. Basically daylight sort of impacts what's acceptable when you're in a serious relationship/marriage (or they are).

I guarantee someone's going to argue with me on this, but consider that I'm the smacktalking chick who's not exactly girly-girl in her views on things. I have some married guy friends. I can go to lunch with them...it's public, it's outside, it's daylight...there's a 1-2 hour time limit...basically any level of sexiness is removed. If i were to go to dinner with any of them, their wives would be like "wtf?! Why am i not invited?"...and if they're busy, then that's even weirder...maybe the odd time if there's a one-time reason for it (cant think of any, but obviously there's exceptions to everything), but overall it would just be bizarre to just have dinner with any of my married guy friends if their wives aren't there. We would reschedule for when said wife was available. If i were single, no matter how much their wives trust me, I'm sure there would be at the very least smidgen of worry if I were to just be having dinner while they're not there. It's not so far left thinking to think that things can happen after-hours. Even if you're positive it wouldn't happen...well...things can happen. Things DO happen. Why even risk it?


It's not that you lose your independence. It's that it's not appropriate.

Consider it another way. When you're in high school and you go out, if the boy paid, you definitely knew you were on a date. As an adult, you could go out and the dude could be like "hey it's cool I got it" and you'd still be like "wtf...so is this a date? is it not?". In high school, dating is explicit and clear. Everyone knows who's involved with who, who's off limits. When you're an adult, you learn that you can date multiple people at once, bone different people at once, there's no formal definition to relationships at times. At any given moment I know people who are completely clueless to the nature or seriousness of a relationship with someone of the opposite sex. Short of an explicit friends-with-benefits relationship, there's typically at least one person in a close guy/girl friendship who's wondering if maybe it's something more or wanting more.

Which, to bring it back, is that as you get older no matter how much of a guy's girl you used to be or how you're the sensitive guy who just relates better to chicks, you need to learn to form friendships with people of your own gender. As a dude, don't think for a second your relationship won't change the instant she gets a boyfriend. And for a chick, you think your best buddy's girlfriend...then wife...will be okay with you two constantly doing things one-on-one? Nope. Argue all you want. And then go out in the real world and open your eyes. Your role, your priority, changes.

Plus, it's always odd when you see someone who only has someone of the opposite sex as their friend. I know a chick who only has guy friends. It's pretty clear to everyone but all of them that subconsciously they're just waiting in the wings for their chance with her. (Ladder Theory stuff) Men can't see through the BS of another chick if they're close enough to be friends because that underlying even minute attraction to anything with a vagina creates a filter. Chicks, lacking in even the remote 0.1% chance of anything romantic happening that could occur with a guy friend, can see all. We see when a chick is fake, when they're acting, when they're being friendly in order to get attention from their guy friends, when they're incredibly annoying when they can't flirt their way through a friendship. You see what's wrong with them and why other chicks don't want to be around them...which is usually that girls that only have guy friends feel incredibly threatened by other women.

Meh, this point is pretty disjointed. I'm just saying...relationships that were okay when you were younger are just no longer appropriate when you grow up. Don't kid yourself into thinking the old adage of "guys and girls can just be friends!"...there's strings attached. And the significant other will always, at some point, raise a concern (or have a hissy fit, pick your method).

**Note to the exception: everyone's got an exception or two. I'm not saying to have ZERO friends of the opposite sex if they're single...I'm saying, overall. Like...Bryan...you're the shiz. I trust you 100000% with my life, and you're one of the most faithful friends I've ever had. I'd give you a kidney in a heartbeat. But if I had 4 other guys in my life even remotely like you and our friendship...then that'd be weird. Kraig would, and should, put the kibosh on that. Plus, you don't live here...if we lived nearby and hung out frequently till super late, it would be pretty inappropriate and I would have no desire to cockblock GirlfriendX at those hours or have her kick my ass.

6. When you're an adult, you get tired of yourself quickly

As an adult, any drama in your life just drains, tires, and bores you. You don't even find it interesting, let alone have the desire to tell other people about it. Far cry from when you could tell the same drama story over and over in your early 20s.

I also say this because I realize I've written A LOT, it's riddled with typos, I'm too lazy to edit and cut it down, and I'm tired, so...what I'm saying is right now, I don't even find myself interesting.

So is life!