Movie Review: Wolverine

Yeah, there might be spoilers. Not anything that you can't guess. Like...obviously he doesn't kill Sabretooth since he's in the other movies (at least, from what i remember right?) and this is a prequel.

Let me backtrack and give you the Sabina X-Men History:

I was a teenager when I first heard of X-Men, the kids I used to babysit LOVED the cartoon. And then *I* loved the cartoon. It was the shiz. Note to self: get the DVDs.

Later in University I bought my boyfriend this huge collection of X-Men comics,issues 1-100, in sequence. They were reprints...at the time cost me around $100-$150, which is alotta coin when you're a student blowing $200 each weekend on liquor. Well not all on liquor...I'm pretty sure that after $30 worth of alcohol bartenders would just stiff me my change since it's not like i was going to count it drunk anyway.

Well f*cker boyfriend gave me a snotty reply when I gave him the comics that he had most of the ORIGINALS already. I was like "fine, suck it" and took them back. Read them myself. LOVED them of course.

Later I date/get engaged/marry Kraig, who's a massive comic book affectionado. In fact, if there's a Cigar Affectionado magazine, I wonder if there's a magazine for comic book readers...sorta like Soap Opera Digest. Superman's contract is renewed. All the drama on this week's Avengers! Find out who Lyja makes out with this week!. Enter the world of Comic Con and endless nagging to "...take those frickin' books off the coffee table and put them upstairs because they're just clutter and it's pissing me off".

So...while I'm not an ultra nerd, I can hold my own when it comes to the world of comic books.

Loved the first X-Men movie, minus stupid Halle Barry as Storm. WTF. Oh and Famke Janssen...I already can't stand Jean Grey's character ("oh whoa is me, my mutant powers give me a headache". Professor X needs to toss her some Advils and boot her ass out the door.). WTF is this crap:


The second one I loathed. WTF is that whole Asian invasion nonsense. Getting Kelly Hu to play Deathstrike...that's post-Crouching Tiger, when every movie had to star a hot Asian chick who could kick ass. See also: Michelle Yeoh in Tomorrow Never Dies. And the Charlie's Angels franchise. I really hate when Hollywood uses people as a trend. (See also: funny-lovable-overweight-sassy-teen-boy. I'm looking at you Jonah Hill).
Thus I skipped the 3rd Xmen, i was tired of the whole franchise, tired of seeing the dolls with the new black outfits, just tired of it all.
So what made me come out of hiding for X-Men Origins: Wolverine? Pfft, like you even need to ask:

Yeahhhh...Ryan Reynolds can get me out for a public caning. Those would be tears of joy pouring down my face.
(this is where I apologize to my husband for having to be...well...married to me.)
Now, onto the movie.
There's some chronological issues I have at the beginning, but okay the last thing we'd expect from filmmakers is for their movie to make sense. It seems like it's supposed to take place in the late 70s, which is interesting because no one had a hippie hairdo, long sideburns, or handlebar mustache. No monochromatic or flowered shirts. Apparently in Canada in the 70s, it looks just like 2009. My people are very progressive.

Hugh Jackman is actually pretty brilliant in it, but what do you expect from a guy who's entire career is based on his lucky shot as getting to play Wolverine? Dude needs this franchise to pay for those raw eggs he has to consume to get that body. He had to eat 5000 cals a day as part of the beefing-up plan (or so I hear from TMZ, and Harvey Levin would never steer me wrong).

The story is the usual spiel: boy meets girl, girl gets killed, boy turns renegade and turns his back on society by agreeing to get adamantium shellacked to his bones in order to get revenge, boy realizes he got boned up the ass by agreeing to the aforementioned surgery, boy now really really wants to get revenge. Violence mixed with comedic moments ensue.

If you're looking for entertainment, this movie gets an A+. If you're looking for Ryan Reynolds, this movie gets a C. Deadpool starts off as Van Wilder, ends up like Frankenstein. Sigh.

If you're a Taylor Kitsch fan, yeah you're screwed up the pooch too. Gambit's a minor character in this movie. And i really take exception to his appearance. THIS is how Gambit should look:

Short spiky hair with a strong jaw. WTF is this crap:

That's not Gambit. That's frickin' A Clockwork Orange.

Does this review have a point? Let's summarize:
Entertaining: yes
Ryan Reynolds: barely
Taylor Kitsch: barely
Hugh Jackman: fantastic
Storyline: nothing you didn't already know.
Oh if you do go see it, sit through the entire credits...there's another few mins, but what they show on the east coast is different than what they showed here. Now you know.

Sexiest women alive

This list is still a work in process...gimme your feedback and I'LL decide where they fall on the list!

So as requested, here's my list of sexiest women. The list is divided in three:
1. The women who are just flat out HOT and SEXY.
2. Women who were hot at some point or under abnormal circumstances.
3. Women who are SO not sexy but everyone thinks they are.

The women who are just flat out HOT and SEXY
Aishwarya Rai
Don't know who she is? She's the single most gorgeous woman walking this earth. In face, she shouldn't be walking...she should be on some throne carried by Adonises (what's the plural for that?) while fed grapes. She's the reason it sucks to be HALF-Indian: she can pull off the dark skin, light eyes thing...if I had darker skin I'd totally rock the hazel contact lenses.


Still not convinced? Put the following video on mute and watch her work her mojo:


Megan Fox
She's the 2nd most sexy woman alive. She's very similar in appearance to Angelina Jolie, minus the age, stretch marks, and do-gooding crap. Even her admission that she was obsessed with a (female) stripper is sexy. I'll take her stalking me any day! (Bring along Brian Austin Green too...)


Jennifer Connelly
Does this woman ever age? Clearly no, which is why she's #3 on my list. I would kill for her nose. This nose is perfection. Obviously what I find attractive in men is what I find attractive in women too: dark hair, light eyes.


Women who were hot at some point or under abnormal circumstances
In no particular order:
Tina Fey
Only recently, since the birth of her kid would I say she's sexy. It's like she channeled her inner nerd and finally figured out how to balance it into hotness.


Miranda Kerr
I don't know why she's dating Orlando Bloom. He's such a douche. She is exactly what a Victoria's Secret model should be: young, bubbly, flirty, giggly...and again, dark hair with blue eyes.


Adriana Lima:
I actually don't LIKE her, she annoys me, but she's got the sexy thing down.


Leighton Meester
GOD what I wouldn't kill to be her. She's so flawless. She should forever keep her hair brown, as a blond she looks too washed out and forgettable.


Mila Kunis
She's got this crazy exotic thing going on, I feel like she could walk in a bar, demand every guy to buy her a drink, and they'd drool at her feet begging for more.



Jessica Biel when she's exercising
You wouldn't think thos normally, but on the Red Carpet I find her to be kind of fug. But when she's just vegging out on the beach or exercising, she is the most flawless female ever. Either way, I'd kill for her ass. She just has this cool confidence that looks sexy.


Jessica Alba pre baby
This is a no-brainer. But since she gave birth, it remains to be seen if she'll be able to bounce back to her sexiness. What i like about her is that she WORKS at that body, she doesn't claim to be naturally thin or anything retarded like that.


Kendra Wilkinson only in photos
We all know girl is annoying as f*ck (although I bet she'd be super fun to party with). And her hair is naturally frizzy. But give her a team of stylists and makeup artists and she smolders. She's got the sickest body...at least she's athletic.


Carmen Electra circa 2000
She's lookin' rough these days. But a small lifetime ago, this girl was IT. Dark hair, blue eyes, flirty look that screamed for more. Plus Prince saw something in her, so she MUST be sexy.


Pam Anderson circa 2000
I adore Pam. I really do. I can't say she's sexy anymore since her skin is pretty jacked up from partying, age, babies, Tommy, the sun...but how can you not find sexy a woman who makes fun of herself, enjoys being naked, AND loves animals?


Bridget Bardot circa...her youth
Today, this woman should crawl under a rock and die. Or be smashed by a rock. She's racist and is pro-animal cruelty. But you can't deny she exhuded sex.


Angelina Jolie anytime from Mr & Mrs Smith and earlier...but after Hackers (i.e. post nose job, pre babies)
There's a window where this woman was at the peak of her a-game. Those lips, those eyes, the eyebrows...perfection. She looked like she wanted sex AND would eat the man after, arachnid-style. The reason she's not in the "regular" list is because this whole baby thing jacked up her body, then her mom died and she got too thin, and now I feel like she's look "witchy" with her aging skin combined with the high eyebrow arch.


Kathleen turner circa Jessica Rabbit
C'mon. Jessica Rabbit. Need i say more?


NOT:
Keira Knightly: girl has the most amazing cheekbones on the planet, but she has a weird overbite/lisp thing that bugs me. I'll add her to the "sexy" list when she eats a few burgers and fixes her speech impediment.

And how is this dress in hollywood history!? It was NOT flattering.

Scarlett Johansson: damn this girl BUGS me. She's a complete butterface. Her body is bangin', but her lips lack a true definition (there's no "cupid's bow"), which is just gross.And no, it's not jealousy over having my man Ryan. She's seriously FUG.


Elle Macpherson: how was this woman ever attractive? She is so mannish it kills me.


Heidi Klum: she's gorgeous, but not SEXY. I feel like she'd start yodelling in the middle of sex. No one wants to hear that. No one.


Alessandra Ambrosia: ugh she's just gross.


Marilyn Monroe: okay, hear me out on this one. She's gorgeous. She's a legend. No one, EVER, will be like her. BUT...I went through a phase where I was reading biographies on her and I feel like her vulnerability and nuttiness interally remove my ability to see her as "sexy" in photos and videos. Every time I see her I feel like she needs a teddy bear, a hug, and a straightjacket. The last thing that girl should have been was a sex symbol. Gorgeous? Yes. Sexy? That's like calling a child "sexy".

Sexiest men alive

I swear, sometimes People Magazine has their head up their ass. Hugh Jackman is this year's sexiest man alive? Really? Ugh. Hot as Wolverine, not so hot elsewhere. So here's MY list of sexiest men alive...I started to put them in order but by the time I got to Nick Lachey it all became a blur, and I kept changing my mind...so just focus on #1 at the very least.

Ryan Reynolds

Ahhh, my love for him has spanned over a decade. Damn you Two Guys a Girl and a PIzza Place, damn you. I'll be his #1 fan Misery-style any day.

Dr. Drew

He's definitely the oldest guy on the list. But deeeeeep voice, combined with his crazy smart-ness (who doesn't love a doctor?!) and his biceps...dude is HOT. I bet he's hotter now than when he was in college.

Tom Welling

Tom Welling is a tough call. I've loved the guy since he started on Smallville, but then he went through a phase where he looked pudgy. Now that he's a full-on man past his teen years, he's bulked up quite nicely but his face still looks pudgy. Beefcase, beefcaaaaake!

Henry Cavill

Dude makes me wish for the days of candles, chamberpots, and scurvy.

Matt Damon

Matt Damon is such a great standby. He's got boy next door looks combined with an incredible physiqe (go Bourne!). He was fantastic on Will & Grace as a guy pretending to be gay. My dentist does his teeth, and she said he's the only dude who doesn't come without a posse.

Paul Rudd

Those eyes! That adorable nose! The fact he was in Clueless, my all-time favorite movie!

Nick Lachey

Team Lachey all the way. Jessica lost a good, good thing. You have to love a guy who is loaded but still rented his own damn U-Haul to move his crap. Frugal AND hot. My kind of guy.

Josh Holloway

Note that Josh is only hot as Sawyer. I don't want to see him clean cut in a suit. I want to see him unshaven, dirty, calling me "sugarlips" in a southern drawl.

Milo Ventimiglia

Thank you Heroes, for making Season 2 so awesome. Why? Because every episode ended up with Peter Petrelli taking his shirt off.

Paul Walker

Another great standby. Horrible actor. Once of those guys who just needs to stand there and flex. Shhhh...don't talk. Just look pretty.

Chase Crawford

Yay to Gossip Girl for giving Nate the most challenging storyline of all the characters, minus Chuck Bass of course. Chase looked a little less of a pretty boy and more of a tough guy, and when he DID cry...tears in those baby blues look so, so good.

Brandon Stoughton

Don't know who he is? He's the hot dude from Britney's "Womanizer" video. He might be illiterate, British, or club baby seals for all i know. What i DO know is that he's HOT. And he's got crazy veins in his Calvin Klein print ads...some people find that nasty, but i'm SUCH a sucker for that veins that guys get when they're working out alot.

Jonathan Rhys Meyers

Dude exudes sex like it's coming out of his pores. Every time I watch The Tudors, I just think "yadda yadda, get to the part where you're boning someone". He's got an intensity about him that makes you think he'll bone you good...or punch you. I dig it!

Jesse McCartney

Listen, he's legal! Get off my back! I love his hair, his skin, his HAIR, and he's just so damn adorable how can you NOT want to violate him?!

Dwayne Johnson

Another fantastic oldie-but-a-goodie standby. He's hilarious, he's buff, fantastic smile, and when he was in peak workout mode he dedicated one day a week to doughnuts.
DOUGHNUTS.
Next to poutine, doughnuts are my favorite food. It's a win-win for everyone.

Jason Lewis

What is up with him dating Vanessa from Gossip Girl now? Jessica-whats-her-face. Well props to her.

Seth Meyers

This is sort of my secret crush. I can't even EXPLAIN why he's sexy. He just is. Own it and rock it Seth!

Matthew McConaughey

I don't care that he plays bongos naked, named his kid Levi, or that he's got a bromance with Lance Armstrong. He plays the same character in every movie but it WORKS. And even if you go back to A Time To Kill, he was absolutely incredible. What can I say, I like them southern boys.

Clive Owen

Clive is such a tough call because his features alone aren't very attractive. He's got bad skin. He's got a jacked up nose. But together, he plays someone intimidatingly handsome. I could watch him paint a wall for hours and be enamored with his face.

Ryan Phillippe

Okay clearly in addition to southern boys, I like teen hearththrobs and pretty boys. But he looks even HOTTER when he's out being a good dad to his kids.

Jimmy Fallon

For my reasoning, refer to Seth Meyers.

James Todd Smith

Those LIPS. Plus he did that Sears (JC Penny? Whatever) commercial for his clothing line and he gave a LOOK to the camera for a split second...dude is just all around awesome. Plus those LIPS. PLUS the best best best sex song ever.

NOT on the list:
Orlando Bloom (ugh, he's too girly for me)
George Clooney (he's attractive, but not my type)
Johnny Depp (he looks fun, but i don't find him that good looking)
Hayden Christensen (he's gorgeous when he's turning evil/Darth Vader-ish...not good looking normally)
Hugh Jackman (he just looks hairy. ew)
Gerard Butler (he's mutha effing sexy as all hell in 300...but outside of CG and spartan clothing, he's just blegh)
Daniel Craig: HOT HOT HOT as James Bond...not hot elsewhere.

EDITED TO ADD:
How could I forget this sexy, sexy man?!!


Edited some more to add:
Good call from Jen! How could I forget this guy?
Joey McIntyre

Yep. He's got the right stuff. (hahah okay i couldn't resist. Even though that wasn't his song. But i did use to swoon at Please Don't Go Girl).

Edited to add from Jina's comment
I wouldn't put him top of the list, but yes VERY sexy...Jason Statham...he's the only balding celeb who's STILL hot regardless.


Edited to add after I watched Entourage last night:
What was I thinking?! I can't believe I forgot my boy Adrian Grenier! He's got such a cool nonchalance about him...i've adored him since he was in that stupid Drive Me Crazy movie.


And a note:
If Gregory Peck were still young...and alive...he'd be all over this list. He'd probably be tied with Ryan Reynolds. Atticus yeah!


FINAL EDITS:
Ohhhh Twinger, the only reason you're not on this list is 'cause you're not a celeb. Otherwise, you and your faux-hawk would be all over this :)