I don't understand

I understand why over the course of 100 years women decided to cut their hair and wear jeans.

At what point did guys want to wear lipstick and eyeliner? I get the desire to want to be incognito by the clown makeup, i'm sure it was super cheap at Walmart on November 1st. Most guys seem wary to even apply chapstick.

Is there any point in a dude's life where the thought of wearing makeup seems appealing?

IM with my mom: eating pets edition

This is me being polite with my mom...previous to this she grilling me on a bunch of crap. On one hand i'm irritated out of my skull, on the other hand the Bad Daughter Guilt kicks in because i don't take the time to talk to her, etc...

My_Mom (9:41 AM): anyway, how r the cats
My_Mom (9:42 AM): ?
My_Mom (9:42 AM): your babies
Me (9:42 AM): they're fine

My_Mom (9:43 AM): marma is a good girl these days? lol
My_Mom (9:43 AM): will u get another cat when marma dies?
Me (9:44 AM): no

My_Mom (9:44 AM): when smokey is gone, no more cats for us, we are getting to old and its not fair on a cat when we go before the cat
Me (9:44 AM): ok

My_Mom (9:44 AM): plus we dont really have anyone to look after when we want to go away... and we dont really want to bother anyone either
My_Mom (9:45 AM): if u would be here, then that would be easy
My_Mom (9:46 AM): next door mike they love cats, i know they would look after it, but i hate bothering anyone really
Me (9:46 AM): okay
My_Mom (9:46 AM): trudi also would look after it, again the bother
Me (9:47 AM): i understand.

My_Mom (9:48 AM): which is sad, because i love cats
My_Mom (9:48 AM): so another one would have found a good home, considering so many need a good home and not all people treat animals nice
My_Mom (9:49 AM): animals really got the bad end of stick in this life, they are treated so bad
Me (9:49 AM): ok

My_Mom (9:49 AM): would u have liked to be a vet?
My_Mom (9:49 AM): u r good with animals
Me (9:51 AM): sure.
My_Mom (9:51 AM): and as such one can help animals too, to volunteer work as well
My_Mom (9:51 AM): do not to
My_Mom (9:52 AM): in china they eat cats and dogs
My_Mom (9:52 AM): it is now practise to buy one of a special breed to eat, depending the fancy
My_Mom (9:54 AM): ((my uncle)) saw a report on china before the olympics....
Me (9:54 AM): ok

My_Mom (9:55 AM): on the market they keep live cats... people point to the one they want... with a nooze they grab the cat by the neck, immerse it alive in boiling water, that it practically rips the fur of its body, the cats scream in pain, then they kill it
My_Mom (9:56 AM): i wish so much i could do something to stop that, at least have the mercy to kill the animal first
My_Mom (9:56 AM): but they say, that way the meat tastes better
My_Mom (9:56 AM): sickening
My_Mom (9:57 AM): so much bad things happening in this world, its so frustrating
My_Mom (9:57 AM): anyway, i let u go now, c u hugs
Me (9:59 AM): bye

Movie Review: Jennifer's Body

I'm too lazy to fix the sizing of the embedded video. Suck it. Facebook readers, the original post with images and vids can be found here:http://randomthoughtsandgripes.blogspot.com/2009/09/movie-review-jennifers-body.html )
I figured it would be good to get off my lazy non-blogging ass to write a movie review...

Let's backtrack a little. A few years ago I first saw a pic of Megan Fox and immediately knew she would de-throne Angelina for the sexiest chick alive (don't try to argue with me on anyone else. Other women may be more beautiful, but we're talking "oozing sex appeal" here. Like, "my eyebrows are arched so perfectly it's almost like a cartoon but it makes me a vixen" sex appeal.) So I relished the opportunity for my self esteem to plummet another trillion notches.

I anticipated this to be a badly-made horror movie. Especially since the previews seemed to have shown the scariest (i use that term loosely) parts. Sarah, Maria and I went crazy late on Tuesday night, the theater was dead, so ooooohhh spooky right?

Within the first 20 mins of the movie I actually burst out laughing so loud that if other people were in the theater, I would have had a beatdown.

This is a comedy folks, with hints of gore.

Jennifer's Body is about two best friends, one's uber hot (Jennifer) and one's an uber nerd (nicknamed Needy) but has the cutesy boyfriend who's sexuality extends to 4 minutes of bad pumping and aptly named "Chip". Hot chick Jennifer get possessed by a demon, eats up boys. Needy wants to stop her. Chaos ensues.

You can guess how this ends of course, with Needy being the prototype for the latest female protagonist: nerd girl who roughs up the bad guy to save her man. I kinda dig this trend, it's a lot easier to maintain than the Linda Hamilton T2-type heroine.

That really is the movie in a nutshell.

The best part of the movie however was the quick wit; Diablo Cody (Juno)'s 'ish is effing hilarious. This may very well be the best dialog in history:
Needy: Those guys are creeps. I told them you were a virgin.
Jennifer: Virgin...I'm not even a back-door virgin, thanks to (points to dude at other end of the bar). I had to sit on a bag of frozen peas for a week.

A few other great ones:
Chip (when his mother tries to get him to carry pepper spray): I can take care of myself. I've been using the Bowflex.
*******************
Jennifer (upon the sight of Needy's jacked up hands from cleaning monster vomit): You need a mani bad. You should find a Chinese chick to buff your situation.

I would buy the DVD purely for the closed captioning to get all the wonderfully inappropriate one-liners.

The movie wouldn't be complete without some chick-on-chick action, which if you were a 12 year old boy you would have nutted right then and there. I'll save you the $10 for a movie ticket and show you the entire sequence here. Not gonna lie, they did a pretty good job, even though both actresses said it was purely gratuitous.



For Facebook readers, link to movie scene is here: http://link.brightcove.com/services/player/bcpid41190866001?bctid=41728524001
Oh alright...for you boys that need some extra oomph to create that baby batter, here's an outtake from a shot where we're supposed to believe she's naked:


If you want to read a half-decent movie review that actually tells you about the movie and not so much about ways for 12 year old boys to whack off, see Sarah's website: http://www.fatally-yours.com/horror-reviews/jennifers-body-2009/

Klingon Tech Writers

Scammed from http://www.documentia.ca/klingon.htm

This is brilliant.

Klingon Technical Writers

The top 16 things likely to be overheard if you had Klingon technical writers working on your documentation team:

1. Klingons do not sit in meetings, we take what we want and kill anyone who opposes us!

2. Certification?! Taking your head and putting it on a pike in my office is all the certification I need!

3. I will return to the homeworld and my documentation will arise triumphant in the STC Documentation Gauntlet, leaving all others drowning in their own dangling modifiers. It will be glorious!!

4. Not returning my review copies by the agreed deadline is a declaration of war. Indeed, it is a good day to die.

5. These software specifications are for the weak and timid!!

6. This version of Word is a piece of GAGH! I need the latest version of Framemaker if I am to do battle with this manual.

7. You cannot really appreciate Dilbert unless you've read it in the original Klingon.

8. Indentation?! I will show you how to indent when I indent your skull!
Holy ((bleep)) the above is probably the most brilliant sentence ever written. Ever.

9. What is this talk of "drafts"? Klingons do not make document "drafts". Our documents escape, leaving a bloody trail of SMEs in its wake!

10. Passive voice is a sign of weakness. Its elimination will be quick.

11. Proofreading? Klingons do not proofread. Our documents are purified with pain-sticks which cleanses the documents of impurities.

12. I have challenged the entire Marketing and R&D team to a Bat-Leh contest! They will not concern us again.

13. A TRUE Klingon warrior riddles his document with bullets, leaving it to beg for mercy.

14. By changing the layout of my manual, you have challenged the honor of my family. Prepare to die!

15. You question the worthiness of my grammar? I should kill you where you stand!

16. Our users will know fear and cower before our suite of manuals and online help! Ship it! Ship it and let them flee like the dogs they are!

Hi, I have a PR person and they can spell.

Hmmm...really Kanye? If you're going to make something sound like you, then please add a touch of asshole to it. All caps, some "...............", a ton of exclamation marks.

And one gives a sh*t if you feel like a character in a fictional movie.

Now you owe Ben Stiller an apology.

Not to give Kanye more props...

((Update: dammit, the apology got taken down off Photobucket. It was an all-caps drunken asshole apology from Kanye))

((Update again: i just realized I say "news flash" a lot. Suck it.))

(for people reading from FB, i just linked a screenshot of Kanye's so-called apology to Taylor Swift, unclickable link here: http://i382.photobucket.com/albums/oo268/Antpantsss/jzaxf.jpg)

Let's go through what makes Kanye the KING of douches:
1. ALL CAPS. Come ON. I know he doesn't have a desk job and doesn't need to think about usability, but on what planet do you think an entire paragraph in all caps is necessary? Oh because you think your words are SO MUCH MORE IMPORTANT than everyone else's words.
Do not abuse Caps Lock.

2. He first says she's talented, then makes a dig at her lyrics. She's fucking 19 years old. When you're 19, that stuff is huge to you. I was unaware that
Talkin', talkin', talkin', talk
Baby lets just knock it off
They don't know what we been through
They don't know 'bout me and you
was pulitzer prize-winning penmanship. Her music isn't really my type, but take it for what it's worth: fun country/pop songs that are meant for teenage girls with crushes and are fun for us 30 year olds to drive to. That's it.
I highly doubt the above lyrics are any more deep than "she wears high heels, i wear tshirts, she's cheer captain and i'm on the bleachers".
(and let's not forget: her subway singing at the VMAs was a trillion times more amazing and displays her talent way more than anything I've ever seen Kanye do)

3. Adding to the ALL CAPS...the need for excessive exclamation marks. I'm reading your words. I get that you're yelling. I get that because I saw you yelling on stage even though you had a mic. You wanna be effective? One or two exclamation marks. Max.

4. The excessive "...". I use that a lot, i know, but damn if it's gonna take up half a sentence then just take a second to stop, think, THEN write. No one needs to know when you're pausing because you're ranting.

5. Saying you'll apologize to Taylor tomorrow means jack when she can read, you moron. "Hey, I'll just post a sarcastic all-caps message to my fans that really 'get me' and then placate everyone by saying I'll apologize to her tomorrow, she'll NEVER know that I don't mean it! Hee hee..." If you have what i'm assuming is 20 minutes to type a paragraph (i'm assuming that took him 20 minutes because he can't type worth crap, it's all caps, and i sure hope he was on a blackberry otherwise there's no excuse for the shorthand numbering scheme...someone that challenged isn't a fast typist), then take 20 minutes to post a heartfelt apology to HER, not a message to your fans or whoever the hell you think reads your crap.

6. "I'm still happy for Taylor". News flash: you being happy or not is irrelevant. No one cares if you were mad or happy or felt like slitting your wrist. You weren't nominated. It wasn't your award. You were six degrees away only because:
Kanye + Jay Z = video
Jay z + Beyonce = marriage
Beyonce + VMAs = nominated
VMAs + Taylor Swift = Kevin Bacon

So just becuase you are happy for someone doesn't mean you can ruin their moment. If that's the case, I'd like to know if at someone's wedding i can run up, splash wine on the bride, then later say "But i'm still happy for the lucky couple!". No one cares dude.

7. You apologize to your friends at MTV...i'm gonna guess you've burned that bridge and you don't even realize it.

8. "No disrespect but we watching the show from the crib right now because, well, you know". Umm kanye, news flash: if you were watching it at home that means it's a rerun. You were there live. It was aired live. So who you think you're disrespecting by going home and watching it, we don't know. Oh did you think you were disrespecting someone by not going to their after-party? News flash: you probably would have been ripped a new one and left anyway. it's certainly not your choice that you're not attending those events, so don't say you don't mean to disrespect anyone. (Hey maybe think about not disrespecting someone when you rip a microphone from a teenage girl's hands when she wins her first VMA ever).

9. Please learn to spell "Booyah" correctly.

10. So you gave your award to Outkast when you felt you should've handed it over. Whoop-de-frickin-do. So you're a martyr. That was when YOU felt you should hand it over. TAYLOR didn't feel she should hand it over. And to be honest, Beyonce's video is cool but it's just her and 2 other chicks dancing. "Beautiful Nightmare"'s video is wayyy better and that wasn't even nominated. Hell, I personally felt Pink should have won because that video is wicked entertaining and she pokes fun of herself. But I digress. Just because YOU felt Beyonce should win doesnt' mean everyone else agrees, so your "everyone should be as humble as me" is hypocritical at best.

I'm sure OUtkast was like "uhh...yeah...we'll just FedEx this baby back to you tomorrow..."

11. You say you're not crazy, you're just real. Dude...stick with crazy. Really. Otherwise you're just a real asshole.

12. I don't understand what being booed has to do with being a fan of "real" pop culture. No one has taught Kanye what pop culture means. The VMAs themselves, part of pop culture. Taylor winning an award and not Beyonce? Not pop culture. Oh but let's be real...5 years from now when VH1 has the World Series of Pop Culture, YOU get to be the pop culture question:
"Who won the VMA in 2009 when Kanye Douchebag West rushed the stage and wailed that Beyonce should have won?"

13. You really feel bad for Taylor and you're sincerely sorry, right after you wrote how she should have given up her award and how her lyrics don't show talent. Kanye, little bit of a news flash: when you read the last line of a paragraph, that usually also means they read all the letters before it as well.

Basically Kanye needs to have his own award show where he hates white people and gives awards to himself.

IM with my mom: cat urine edition

Monday, September 14, 2009
MOM (9:28 AM): hi bean
MOM (9:28 AM): how was san diego?
Me (9:42 AM): i only went for a little while
MOM (9:42 AM): still did u have fun
Me (9:42 AM): yup
MOM (9:42 AM): how long does it take to get there?
Me (9:43 AM): depends on traffic...around 1-1.5 hours
MOM (9:43 AM): oh and i said to dad it was just 1/2 hr
MOM (9:44 AM): the swedish comany ericson bought part of nortel and is hiring 600 people.... lets hope ((my uncle)) will get a job
Me (9:44 AM): i don't remember even telling Dad i was driving to san diego
MOM (9:44 AM): i told him
Me (9:44 AM): i hope he gets a job
MOM (9:45 AM): for his family's sake, ((my uncle's wife)) is such a nice person and the kids worry so much about their dad not having a good job
Me (9:46 AM): yep
MOM (9:47 AM): nice day today, pleasant 23c
MOM (9:47 AM): how is marma
Me (9:47 AM): she's good
MOM (9:48 AM): no little mess here and there?
Me (9:48 AM): nope

MOM (9:48 AM): why not anymore?
MOM (9:49 AM): i still remember her once we sat on your bed, and marma so full of trust rolls on her back and waited for u to cuddle her belly... cats only do that to people they trust
Me (9:49 AM): because shes' getting insulin
MOM (9:50 AM): but didnt she have the need to mark the spot so to speak?
Me (9:50 AM): no

MOM (9:50 AM): well she peed all over
MOM (9:50 AM): anyway thats a relief for u
Me (9:51 AM): she didn't pee all over...it was just when she jumped because her bladder was so full from drinking so much water because her blood sugar
MOM (9:51 AM): u deserve a break, u both deserve a break
Me (9:51 AM): or when she was just straight up mad
Me (9:51 AM): thank you, yes a break would be nice

MOM (9:51 AM): ok
MOM (9:52 AM): and her urine smelled worse then a healthy cat too, poor baby, she is sick, all she needed was help
Me (9:52 AM): yup
MOM (9:53 AM): cats are usually clean
MOM (9:53 AM): smokey is getting old

MOM (9:53 AM): like when he lies down, its in slower motion
Me (9:54 AM): yup
MOM (9:54 AM): he was bad last night didnt come in at 11, just sat on the front lawn
MOM (9:54 AM): until then he just stays around the yard really, doesnt wander off, only after 11 he start wandering, but not to far
Me (9:55 AM): ok

MOM (9:55 AM): and this morning he didnt want to come in, he slept at the bottom of the stairs against the garage, dad picked him up and brought him in
MOM (9:56 AM): when he is out i always hope he doesnt eat any mice
MOM (9:56 AM): he can get worms from that
Me (9:57 AM): yep

MOM (9:58 AM): anyway, i leave u now, hugs, dont work to hard
MOM (9:58 AM): stay in touch with ((brother))
Me (9:58 AM): ok

Stop the wrinkles, stop the madness!

Something MUST be wrong with me. It's not like I don't have the words in my brain. For some reason, lately I've been too lazy to type them out. 2 years ago, my brain would have burst if I didn't write in a blog. Now...meh. My thoughts don't seem as important.

Wah wah!

There's something interesting that happes as you delve deeper into your 30s. It's safe to say i was ahead of the curve in terms of wrinkle and other "curse-ed you time and your effects of aging, i'm waving my fist in the air!". Paranoid, sure, call it what you want. When i was 20 i remembered how at 5 years old i vowed to start using wrinkle cream. When i was 25, i had a quarterlife crisis. And i've had a series of crises ever since. At 29 I had botox. Twice.

When you're in your 30s, everyone else finally catches up. You're not the only one lamenting cellulite despite the exercise you do. You're not the only one freaking out over a few grey hairs. You tell people you buy wrinkles cream, they compare it to what they use.

Which, as you can guess, has spawned a whole new series of aging freakouts for me. Before at least people would say "you don't need that!"...now, when people are doing the same as you, then you REALLY know the aging countdown has begun.

Sadly the older I get the less money I seem to have for discretionary spending. (Is that even the correct use of "discretionary spending"? I'm looking for the grownup way of saying "fun money").

Here's what I'm on now:
Alternating between Aveeno Positively Radiant Daily Moisturizer SPF 30 (okay, i didn't buy this, i got this bottle for free otherwise i probably wouldn't use it...but it's pretty good) and Oil of Olay Regenerist Serum...if Consumers Reports says it's the best, even better than Creme de la Mer, i'm down for it. I also use La Roche Posay SPF 45 to 60, which you can't get in the states.

I just added some Origins eye cream containing some foreign, patent-pending fancy shmancy crap. I wasn't thinking too much about eye creams, figuring just slathering on the regular stuff everywhere would be fine.

Oh how wrong I was.

I generally don't buy sunglasses that are too dark because I'm retarded and dark glasses = hard to tell stop light colors. How I would know this I don't know, since I've never owned dark sunglasses. I've had my polarized ray bans for years, so there's never been any reason to change them.

The other day though I shrieked in horror when i looked at my reflection in the car mirror: the wrinkles made by squinting weren't unwrinkling.

This is a problem.

A big one.

it takes awhile after i've gone back inside for the squinty wrinkles to go away. Now you can't get botox anywhere inside your eye socket, otherwise i'd sell a kidney and start that process again. I suppose if i do it on my upper cheekbone it might sorta work, but that's not normal I don't think.

So...for now...gonna keep dousing myself with this Origins stuff and research optimal eye cream usage. Or wait until Consumers Reports tells me what to do.

Aging f*cking sucks balls. Donkey balls.