No soup for you

Yes, i am indeed fabulous:
We LOVE your wife! She is VERY cute!!
You should get her on her own TV show! I think she could pull it off...


I never watch Rock Star: INXS, but since I was at the gym forever last night I was forced to watch it (I've seen maybe like 3 episodes)...

All I know is that everyone needs an Australian boy. Mmm mmm:



He's not super hot, but dang when he talks, and sings, and moves...that boy is hot as HELL. And i dig his hair. Mmm mmm good.

This morning so far I have:
- driven to work, only to realize that I left my wallet at home, which sucks because i wanted to go to the bank asap after work
- learned that I lost the raffle that I spent $20 on knowing that I probably would only win the stupid Souplantation GC
- spent 20 minutes trying to find my Old Navy gift card, only to find it when i was bitching to a coworker about how i can't find it
- had 3 mugs of passion tea
- added about 8 books to my Amazon wishlist, which really just means that i keep adding the stupid books that Amazon recommends "others who have purchased that book also bought..." ...

And Nicole, i don't know who's idea it was to start eating eggs. I'll give you that it must have been bizarre to be the first person chowing down on liquified chicken (and they probably tried eating the shell too) but i'm sure some poor dude in medieval times saw something coming out of the ass of a chicken and was so desperate, they ate the white blob after consuming the chicken.

I really want to know: how did they figure out to COOK it? I mean, an egg cooked looks nothing like an egg...you kind of know when you cook meat what it should look like...but an egg...kinda gets jacked up. Like who thought to boil it? Maybe an egg felli n when someone was boiling chicken or something. Or EWW maybe they were boiling chicken that had an egg in it...

Nasty nasty stuff.

I gotta shake it off

Is there anything more fabulous than the news of a Special "Whatever" Edition of Clueless on DVD?!!

I didn't think so.

So yesterday I got in the mail a DVD my brother had put together, we've been putting some of our reel-style home movies to disc. Initially we just transferred ones from before i was born (so that if they got screwed up, at least none of the precious memories of ME got damaged).

This one had stuff from when I lived in Ottawa even.

It's just crazy to see yourself as a kid...moving...smiling...there's one shot of me, around 3, doing some hopscotch thing...I was wearing a very JLo denim jumpsuit...then another one, my birthday in grade 3 or 4....made me want to scream at the screen of all the regrets i would soon have, all the things i should have done differently... "if you think you need to study computers, DON'T...go for the genetics thing...do the biotech thing...DON'T listen to our parents!!! And buy stock in ebay as soon as it's on the market...."...

Yeah. Depressing. I know.

I'm still super excited over this Clueless thing. That movie is like, my BIBLE....um in DVD format....

Valentine's Day in LB

WTF...why am I starving? So far today i've had a huge slice of banana bread, 2 huge slices of pizza, around 1/3 box of Apple Jacks, a packet of Reese's Pieces, a lean cuisine, 2 gardenburger patties, a boatload of these crustini things, and this vanilla breakfast bar thing.

Soooo hungry. Which is so sad since for sure i gotta go to the gym now tonight. Ugh.

ANYWAY

Have I mentioned yet how much i LOVE LOVE LOVE Laguna Beach?! Even though I'm old enough to be everyone's mother? You just can't write that sh*t, you really can't. (Excuse my language...i don't swear in real life, but i swear when i write...makes me feel badass or something).

Maybe it's because I relate to Jessica, or shall I say, she should relate to me since i'm 10 years older...EVERYTHING that girl does is exactly what I did...except that she called up her best friend to cry after a breakup, which I have never EVER done...it's just not my style. I don't know why...i mean, i'll gripe about my men to my girlfriends till the cows come home, but when it comes to the SERIOUS sh*t, I keep my mouth shut...probably because I don't want my drama to become someone else's drama, and probably because I don't want another female's opinion about Guy X who's crushing my heart.

This week's LB was the Vday episode...I've only ever had TWO Valentine's Days, since I was 15, where I was single. This is not to brag, but more to show how much of a serial monogamy kind of girl I am.

The 2nd Vday was horrible...I was seeing a guy who decided to not call me to tell me he was in Washington or something like that for a week, I mean we were only past Date 1 but I probably shouldn't have let him get to Date 2 considering he never even sent me flowers, or called, or even sent an e-card on Vday.
Unrelated note: when i questioned how his cat survived without him for so long, he said he had an electronic kitty litterbox...and YES that thing was so amazing, I've not only bought one for myself but i've convinced almost everyone to buy one as well. So for as much of a tool as I was for seeing this dude, at least I gained the valuable knowledge of how wonderful the Littermaid is

The first Vday when I was single was my best Valentine's Day ever.

It was my first one after me and my first boyfriend broke up (the one that i'll take a crowbar to if he EVER comes in my line of vision), which was a like 3 or 4 year relationship...I got to school...and one of my best friends Christine (who i still adore to this day, she's my bitch!) showed up with a carnation for me, becuase she knew that I would probably feel crappy on that Valentine's Day.

It was hands-down the most sweetest gesture ever, and no Valentine's Day of roses, candy, or jewelry will ever ever beat that single carnation she gave me.

Back to Laguna Beach, I absolutely adore Stephen but what the f*ck, that guy clearly gained the Freshman FIFTY THOUSAND his first year...his face is so puffy. I liked him lanky and lean...I guess really I should stop scoping out guys who are 19 when i'm 28....

I better win something more than Souplantation

Today's hair drama: dang, I'm an idiot...i left the flat iron on for too long and it got too hot and i burned my scalp. Good times, good times...

Instead of bitching, i just want to say that La Roche Posay's SPF 45 sunblock/moisturizer is fabulous...you can't find it in the US, but dammit they should sell it...i should have bought more and then sold them on Ebay.

A few thoughts on the VMAs:

Oh Gwen...i'm so sorry. I do think Kelly Clarkson has some good songs, and I do love "Since You've Been Gone", but nothing beats your album...you should have won.

Diddy...forget what everyone else says. I love you man.

Mariah: you do have a beautiful voice, and I'm glad you didn't lip sync this round, but dang girl...you're ginormous.

Shakira...girl...you've got mesmerizing belly-dancing skills...but you were boring as hell last night becuase you didn't USE THEM!

And wtf was Ricky Martin there for? I know he lives in MIami and all, but still...my grandmother lives there and you didn't see her at the VMAs.

Disclaimer: okay my Grandmother doesn't live in miami, but i was trying to make a point.

WTF was Jessica Simpson wearing? I'm totally down with when people try to experiment...Ashlee went off the beaten path and it was cute, but Jessica looked like a hooker with bad hair. And neither of them should say they're from the "dirty south"...no girls, you're white, not from anywhere that has soul.

RKelly...no...oh good LORD no. No no no. bad all the way. If you mouth the words with a microphone, at least it's lip synching. When you do it without one...now you're just trying to be a mime.

I LOVE YOU DIDDY! YOU DA MAN!

Going to try and sneak out of work now....

Cleaning Day

SEE...this myspace loser user is exactly the reason why i hate that stupid site. And i also hate that the idiot who sent me his "friend request" is shirtless in the picture...HEY JACKASSES OF THE WORLD...women don't give a ((bleep)) to see a half/full naked pic of a guy...

I see guys with fantastic bodies at the gym every single time i go...trust me, i don't need to see your stupid itty bitty picture of you shirtless, and you've got alot of balls to think you shirtless is going to make anyone want to add you to their stupid friend list.

In other words, i think most men are RETARDED.

On another note, I was thinking about some random songs yesterday while stuck on the 5....

You know there's songs that will ALWAYS bring you back to a certain spot in life...here's a random few:

Glory of Love and You're the Inspiration: yes one's just Peter Cetera while the other is Chicago, but that dude's voice is pretty powerful, even though one song practically sounds identical to the other. That dude knows EXACTLY how to make you wish "mother effer, i'd die for a white knight to come save me right now" (whether "save" means saving you from a bad relationship or saving you from the horrible musak at the mall).

Groovy Kind of Love: I don't even think it's THAT great of a song. But every single time i hear it, I think "that's my song with ((insert bf of the moment))"...heck, i don't even have loyalty to whatever guy i associate with that song but damn, that song makes me all giddy in love every time i hear it.

I don't want to cry (Mariah Carey): after I dumped my friend Bryan in elementary school, he made me a mixed tape (awww, everyone's gotta either make or receive a mixed tape at some point when you're a kid) and this song was on it...I hate the song, and i thought he was an emotional sap for making it ((sorry Bryan! I still love you anyway!)), and yet every time i hear that song I think of him and school dances.

Making Love Out of Nothing at All (the original, not the stupid dance remix): everyone in high school knows why this song is stuck in my frickin' head forever. Which is too bad, because it's a fabulous cheesy song to sing to at the top of your lungs in your car. Every time it gets to:
I can make the runner stumble
I can make the final block
And I can make every tackle at the sound of the whistle
And I can make all the stadiums rock
I'm pretty much hoarse 'cause i'm trying to match Air Supply's passion at that moment.

And onto the last two (as i'm already proving what a big loser I am)...

Wicked Games: Not associated with any event, person, moment...but that song can single-handedly make me drunk just from listening to it. I've never heard it at a bar/lounge, but if i did i'm sure i'd melt right into the floor, it's the sexiest song ever made...it turns me to pure putty every time i hear it.

And the number one most "impactful" song (if that's a word, which it's not)....

Hands to Heaven: every time i hear that song, no matter where i am, the grocery store, a bar, the car, whatever...I stop dead in my tracks and my brain just freezes and I hold my breath until I can't hold it any longer. It reminds me of my first boyfriend, that first love, and our long distance relationship and how much it ripped me apart every time we had to say goodbye...

And if i saw him on the street today, 10 years after breaking up, i would STILL beat him with a crowbar and gouge his eyes out and kick his nuts till they burst. Yes, i still hate him THAT much.

But that song still brings me back to that first love, that moment where you realize your heart aches a thousand percent for someone else.

WEll...at least until you discover he's a whore, and he got it on with both women AND men....

Sigh. good times!

I hate myspace

note to self: replace picture 'cause the one that's on this site right now blows goats

you know, i'm NOT a fan of MySpace, mostly because it's just one big stupid meat market and an opportunity for skanks to show naked photos of themselves and for guys who are too much of a loser to meet regular girls to be flirtatious online.
And an excuse for BAD BAD UI....c'mon people, dark font on a dark background is NOT something people want to see. Nor do i want to read white text when you've got photos as your backdrop. And i really do hate cursors that are all sparkly and have crazy stuff that follow my mouse movements.

AND i think it's an excuse for people to be selfish...like, do you really think i give a f*ck about you to read all your interests and sh*t?! If you're my real friend, i know your interests and crap anyway. And if you're not, please...i know you're not reading my list of favorite movies and i'm definitely not reading yours.

However on that note, i do get the odd "hey baby get naked with me" messages, not that often since i've only got like 11 friends (and yes, i do know them all) so you'd have to be a perverted friend of someone i know or you'd have to actually search for me...

And i get those messages from both men and women, which i find hilarious since um yeah it's not like in "real" life a chick has ever hit on me. Whatever.

But...i did get this message today:
my name is John..and i saw you pics..and u are amazingly beautiful. And i would love to become or try to become a myspace friend. Well, i am a crazy, fun...never bored, spontaneous...very creative and athletic individual. I love rugby..as you will tell by my profile. Sorry..i am addicted, for some weird reason. I love music and love to dance and make people laugh. If you think you would like to give me a try (at friendship), al you have to do is just reply. And dont worry..i dont bite on the first email. But, watch out on your 2nd or 3rd one. I cant promise nothing.

J

Which of course is probably some cut/paste thing that this dude does to anyone who's in their 20s with boobs...but that being said, if i were a chick who didn't realize that guys do that kind of thing (if you're on match.com ladies, ALL your messages are copied/pasted unless they really do comment on everything in your posting...I would actually "accept" this guy as a friend. Very, very well written, not skanky, not "hey i'm looking for an easy lay"...

Which most guys don't realize...that IS the secret to getting laid. Pretend to be the charming nice guy who doesn't want sex and just wants your friendship, and watch how fast she undresses.

I practically feel like writing this guy and giving him kudos for a well-written introduction, and i sure hope he DOES get some play....

And on a final note: the other reason this guy is good is because he doesnt' have "118 friends in _'s network"....he has like 27, which is decent (becuase it means he's not hitting up every naked girl picture and asking to be added as their friend).

Conclusion: Out of a thousand guys on myspace...this guy GETS it.

eschew obfuscation

I'm in a bitchy, bitchy mood again today. Probably because the flat iron left kinks in my hair because i was in such a rush this morning.

Had to give a "dental dam" explanation this morning...at least that made me laugh!

I'm going to lunch today with VPs/CEO/bigwigs because the exec assistant to the CEO is quitting...now i'm not like some people that think, "oh crap why did I just say that"...I actualy rarely regret the things i DO say, as retarded as they sound.

I regret the things I don't say. And there's this stupid pressure (okay, it's just me, i admit) that if you've got the CEO/VP/whatever in your presence, you should "wow" them.

I don't do "wowing" very well....because i tend to stutter...

Watched Sweet Home Alabama last night, saw it in the theater and I have NO IDEA why I chose to watch it again last night ((probably because i needed to kill time before going to the gym...i hate going to the gym before 10pm))...Oh Reese, what were you thinking? Legally Blond was fabulous....SHA is just awful.
And i would have TOTALLY stayed with rich hot Patrick Dempsey over Josh Lucas (maybe because i'm a stickler for a guy who SHAVES....)....wtf.

Holy CRAP it's effing cold in this office....

Maybe i'm bitchy because i opened the bottle of Diet Pepsi that was sitting in my car for a week (one of the big 2L bottles) and it was like i set off a Pepsi Sprinkler in my kitchen...I just sat there drenched, me and my Bounty paper towels, because it was such a big psycho disaster. HALF the bottle sprayed in my kitchen...and on me...and you know what? Bounty is not so much the quicker picker upper as they claim to be.

Okay that's it for my random bitching for today...

Back from Canadaland

UGh the griping that's been building up.

Although I don't have much to say, because anyone that needs to know anything already knows it.

If that makes sense.

The Hydroderm test is done...i'm finished with the bottle...End result? Save your cash...in fact, I've acquired two MORE wrinkles since.

They should pay ME for each new wrinkle I get while using their mother effing product.

So now I'm back to using concentrated crap from L'Oreal and Oil of Olay, and will soon splurge on the good stuff from Caudalie...if red wine is good for your health, the stuff from red grapes slathered on your skin MUST be good, right?

On the subject of beauty...

So my fantabulous friends Syl, Anj, and Stacey got me a ceramic flat iron for my bdy (probably because they know i'm a cheap bastard who would never splurge like that on something for myself)...and dang everyone loves my hair now. Carrie even said she wanted hers to look like mine. Sniff...i love you guys...you know how traumatized i was over the hair cutting thing.

See, it's all about the blob...or the bun...i.e. the ugliest way you can put your long hair in order to unattract members of the opposite sex.

Completely off topic: had the funniest frickin' convo with a friend from San Jose about dental dams...yes, there ARE multiple ways you can ummm use one of those things down there. Go figure. And I promised to get all MacGyver and figure one method out after I visit my dentist on September 10th.

Note: I don't NEED to use a dental dam...but...I'm willing to try stuff out for the sake of womankind and of course, in the name of science.

Ungripe moment: Woolite for Darks is fabulous.

Once, sub-zero...now, plain zero!

If i haven't said it before, i'll say it now.

Running Man is like, the best movie EVER.

Second only to Clueless.

Let's recap the best movies ever (in no particular order):
Clueless
Running Man
Desperado
Footloose (I hate admitting this, but it is SO entertaining when it's on TV)
Bad Boys ("Mike Lahhhhhryyyyyy")
Anything Disney except Hunchback and Hercules

And honorable mentions go to Legally Blond, Bring It On, and Terminator and T2.

Golden Arches

So there's this article on Yahoo! News about some person who lost weight on McD's food.

First off, the TITLE says "Some try to lose weight at McDonald's" even though it's just an example of ONE person who lost weight.

And to compare against that Spurlock guy isn't fair, because he was already in fabulous shape, and then gained weight...so yeah sure if you're already overweight and out of shape, then you're basically going to still lose enough weight to match Spurlock's overweightness post-eating.

Anyway, that's actually not my rant.

MY rant is that I used to work there briefly as a teen, and mother effer...I gained a boatload of weight. The uniforms were horrible (although thankfully we did get brand new polos, but the pants were "used", and they were made of this highly-flamable fabric that did NOT stretch when your thighs expanded) and they SHOULD have had elasticized waistbands.

or maybe they did, but i gained so much that the waistband became irrelevant

And it's not like I worked dinner shift...which would make sense because that's like, mega unhealthy stuff (back in the day, they didn't have all the pseudo-nutritious options they have now...)...I always switched with everyone for the breakfast shift. Even though yuo had to be at work for 4:30am, at least you came home smelling like hotcakes...as opposed to your car reeking of big macs after driving home. PLUS i would always offer to do "Lobby", which is the crummy job of mopping the dining area and taking the trash out. So you think, who would be the idiot to do the janitor job? Well it's WAY less stressful...i mean, McD's aren't huge and passing a mop through main areas for two seconds is a no brainer (although yes, doing it in winter when muddy slushy stuff camei n was pretty bad), and then you think "well taking the trash out must suck, right?"...nope, not when you empty it after every 2nd person...then it didn't get all gross or heavy or drip stuff. And Lobby people NEVER touched the bathroom...or at least, I didn't...so getting paid to mop randomly and take out 1lbs trash for a few hours was awesome.

HOwever...how i still gained weight is beyond me. Probably because at 50% meals, you found ways to eat ALOT of hotcakes. Their pancakes were awesome.

ANyway then I took a leave of absence for a new job i got, (a "forever 21" type hoochie place), and after months of being gone I put my uniform back on for one last shift before writing my resignation on a McD's napkin (you know...the papery ones with an arch on them), and the pants were SO loose.

So really, I do truly believe that McD's pumps fat through the air. And i'm only half kidding. I think even a glass of water there has elements of fat in it.

At best, when you drive by...keep your eyes down and don't make "eye contact"...then you might be saved from the weight those golden arches will push on you. Damn Ronald.

28 + 1

Freak out moment here.

Flashback 2 days ago...when I was 27...i had TWO wrinkles on my forehead. TWO. And yes, they were there.

Last night i looked...now there's 3 on my forehead and one in my brow furrow...

That practically put me in a straightjacket last night.

It's not that I'm vain...I mean, maybe if I looked like Jessica Alba I would be...but I'm very particular about perceptions about me, and when you have wrinkles there's an automatic perception about you. I mean, when you see TONS of wrinkles, don't you think "old, frail, and possibly mentally-gone"?! I've never seen someone with loads of wrinkles who was still witty. Oh the humanity. Not cool.

Not that botox will make me SHARP still, but as long as I can be PERCEIVED as sharp, that's all i care about.

Dang dang.

side note: i'm frickin' starving.

Pre Birthday Panic

Just a few random thoughts for today.

So my birthday is tomorrow, and I"m having a FREAK OUT about my age. Yadda yadda, 28 isn't that old..oh yeah mother effer? Ask a 16 year old if that's old.

Exactly.

And this whole thing about Peter Jennings dying...I mean, i never once saw him on the news but he was 67 years old.

I'm not scheduled to retire until 67.5

Yeah yeah he smoked, whatever, I eat fries and heart disease runs in my family. Point is, WHY am I giving so much into my retirement when there's a chance i might never GET to retirement?

Who's the einstein that thought 67.5 would be a good retirement age!?! Mother effer, i'll tell you a good age....THIRTY! In face, didn't most women not last till that age 'cause they died during childbirth?! SEE I should retire BEFORE having kids!

You wanna know how frickin' old i feel? I'm actually justifying wearing padded push up bras. I've always been kind of against them...not sure why, i guess because i feel like it's overtly obvious that my boobs didn't inflate overnight.

Anyway but now i feel like i gotta step up my "game"...what game, i don't know so don't ask, but in general i need to start primping more...because i have to work harder to look semi-decent.

And then i think...you know, when you're like over 55ish...no amount of makeup is gonnah elp you. I'm sorry, but it just doesn't. It's like when your grandmother fussed about her lipstick. WEll that's great granny, but your rouge won't hide the BILLIONS OF WRINKLES AND SPEED OF LARD WALK....oh the humanity.

I have great respect for old people...in fact, i think the older you are the younger you should look, because youv'e earned it. But really now, when you're an old lady...heck, it's practically not even worth it to dye your hair, because it's all short and frizzy and pouffy and thin anyway.

OMG just shoot me now. Really.

Hyperventilating.

You call me by my new last name

Stayed up and watched some Insomniac Theater last night, and caught Gwen Stefani's video for COOL.

Now let it be known, i'm not a fan of the video for Hollaback Girl...it's a cute song but the video is just...i don't know...kinda ghetto. With a big budget.

But the video for "Cool" is fantabulous. It was like watching a movie that i didn't want to have end.

The video basically details the song, about being buddies with a guy you used to love. The guy shows up for coffee with his new gf, and they sit down and get all chatty and stuff...i can totally believe this would be Gwen's house, even though it's clearly set in some Italian-Villa-type place. The flashbacks have her with brown hair, and the hot guy looks all scummy...and then you see Gwen singing on the bed with a totally amazing 50's pinup kind of look (yeah must be nice to look amazing as either a blond or a brunette...bitch!)...

Anyway, i'm sure everyone at some point has had to be super charming to someone they once loved, and that ex-flame's new love...brilliant, brilliant video.

Unrelated note: Hydroderm is so far becoming quite a disappointment.