When you cockblock yourself

An open blog to all guys out there not getting laid...

Sometimes you just gotta accept the reason you're alone at home on a Friday or Sat night is yourself.

A short while ago I ran into a guy I know who I used to think was a "great catch" but for some reason or other was still single. I hadn't seen him in quite a long time, which clearly gave him time to make himself as ineligible as possible to the opposite sex. We're talking scratching his ear, picking at his teeth, you name it, it was disgusting. SO...I must remind the male species some basic rules if they want to avoid cockblocking themselves.

Note: this also serves as a great time to re-iterate on an old post, Dec 5 2007 25 Things Every Guys Should Know.

1. Men should be MANLY. Think of all the things chicks do (whine, bitch, complain) and realize that you can't do those things. Whining is NOT manly. Ordering a salad for dinner? NOT manly.

2. That being said, being gross is NOT manly. It's just simply gross. Clean nails are a MUST. Listen, maybe you don't want to be busted going into a Happy Nails. Suck it up, many a guy gets a manicure. If you can take care of them yourself, great, but seriously make life easier and get that crap cleaned up by a professional (and by professional, I mean an asian chick who doesn't speak English but will yell out at you whether you want additional services. NO you do not want clear polish!).

That also means you do not pick at your teeth or clean your ears when a chick is around!

3. I seriously cannot stress enough the importance of knowing how to operate a BBQ. Nothing is more man than FIRE. It is man at his most man.

4. You cannot assume a penis of any size will compensate for your body. That's like us thinking that our vaginas will compensate for being out of shape and gaining 100lbs. If you want to attract a chick with a body of a 10, then you gotta make some changes too. NOW that being said you gotta think smart. Why do short guys always bulk up their upper body?! It makes them look SHORTER. Nothing is crappier for a chick than to see a guy who's calves are smaller than ours. And biceps don't mean jack if you didn't work out your shoulders.

So what's my point? Your penis won't compensate for a bad body, and you have the ability to work out individual muscles to think strategically.

Note: A penis wont' compensate for a bad body, but lots of money definitely will.

5. Don't be vegetarian. In fact, avoid being a picky eater. Picky eater = a chick thing. Guys are supposed to be willing to eat rotting fish that's turned green because they got drunk and their buddies dared them to eat it. Okay, I'll give every guy ONE "I won't eat X food". Now this isn't to be confused with foods that can't be consumed due to allergies or religion. This is your ONE "I just don't wanna eat it" food. Make it a good one, and stick with it. Otherwise we'll think you're one step away from ordering a pile of lettuce with no cheese and dressing on the side.

6. Pay for dinner on the first date. I know, I know, it goes against everything both genders stand for. There's really no rhyme or reason behind it, it is what it is. If you can't afford a $100 meal, then take her somewhere cheaper 'cause dude, you're paying for it. NOW...it's perfectly reasonable for the chick to pay for drinks later, or to pitch in for subsequent meals, I'm simply saying: be a man, suck it up, pay for dinner. (If she's a biotch and orders wine after wine after lobster, then you know never to ask her out to anything ever again which is a very good investment).

7. Don't be the douchebag who tucks in his turtleneck into his jeans. Just...don't.

8. Don't wear sleeveless shirts unless you're at the gym or playing some bball with buddies. If we want to see your biceps, will make efforts to say "oooh big muscles" and grab them ourselves. Don't throw your biceps in our face with your sleeveless shirts 'cause you know what? Odds are good that we'll compare yours to someone else's. Plus, it's just plain WT.

9. We certainly don't expect your place to look like it's straight out of Architectural Digest. But please, please: this isn't college. Stuff needs to match sorta. Tacky posters have gotta go. If you want to bring chicks over and get laid, repeatedly, then for real your place can't look like you won't change your sheets until you can take your laundry back home to your mom.

10. Remember, never drive these cars if you're a single straight guy: VW Jetta, VW Bug, Toyota Tercel, Honda Del Sol, Mazda Miata. You don't need to be rich, but if you've got 10k to spend on a car, a used mustang trumps a used tercel.

11. Chicks dig little pet names. Just test it out first...some chicks might freak out if you call her "babe" (author's opinion? as long as the pet name isn't "hey UglyKins", i'm okay with anything).

12. You need to balance out the beauty of a 5 o'clock shadow vs. knowing you're going to make out with a chick. We have girly sensitive skin. That's why you like us, we're soft and we smell good. Don't ruin our soft skin with your brillo pad of a face.

That's all i can think of for now, going to take a nap after this South Park episode (the Quest for Ratings episode...sexy action news!)

Sex! Sex! Sex!

Got your attention?

So a few weeks ago VH1 aired Sex: The Revolution, a 4 part series. Now in case it's not clear, i'm crazy fascinated the differences between men and women, how guys operate, what's innate in our minds...I'm also super fascinated with how sex has changed our society, what's considered scandalous when...

It's pretty mind boggling if you think about how things changed in a few generations. Everything was kosher for centuries...everyone's supposed to wait till marriage, guys secretely boned on the side, gay life was totally hidden...Like having anal sex was actually ILLEGAL, which lord knows my ass is a one-way-street but I couldn't care a less what my neighbor wants to with their sphincter...

Then the series takes viewers through the war, drugs, and free love...Which THANK THE LORD I wasn't around for that era. People were nasty. MEN WERE DISGUSTING. WTF is up with the long hair, the sideburns, the mustaches?! Too much hair! And all that drug use made people clearly forget to bathe. You can't tell me that there weren't crabs in those mustaches. Seriously, the videos VH1 showed of guys getting their freak on in the 60s and 70s is enough to make any girl wear a chastity belt. In fact, I would have become a NUN in the 60s (and I'm Muslim!), I'm just so not down with being boned by a guy who's dirty, vile, hasn't brushed his teeth in years ("dentists are like, so corporate man!"), and is so high he believes he's boning a 3 headed unicorn.



The 70s also had sex clubs, you know, you just show up and get your Swinger on. Would love to grow in a petri dish whatever was on those nasty ass mattresses.

Which then leads to the best part...when Herpes came out, it was like, mass hysteria. Just a theory: if people inthe free love era whored themelves after they BATHED, i bet Herpes wouldn't have existed. Brush your teeth after you give head (and subsequently giving someone else head) maybe just maybe would have prevented it. I know, i know, it's a virus yadda yadda...i'm simply saying when you've got some EFFED UP sex going on, like dirty people boning constantly, wtf did you think was going to happen?!

Then HIV came out, and Herpes was the least of anyone's issues...and it's fascinating how it came full circle a bit, that people are so much more cautious but for different reasons (not afraid of being labeled a "slut" as much being labeled "herpes-laden AIDS victim).

Seriously, this sh*t fascinates me.

Handwriting analysis

So I got a handwriting analysis done by a an ex coworker who is trying his hand at it (ha ha...that was a great pun)...here's what he came up with from the mess of a handwriting job i provided. His notes are regular font, Kraig's opinion is in italics, mine are in red.

· You are direct and energetic.
- true
Hmmm, this is a mix...I'm actually not THAT direct, however my approach to things is direct because I"m very impatient. So if i want something, I'm not going to hesitate to go up to someone and get it...but when I go up to that person, I play the little dance to figure out the best way to get it. It's the ex-salesgirl in me I guess.
As for energetic, I dunno...I'm pretty lazy. But that may be because I use up my energy when i'm out with people, 'cause when I get home all I wanna do is nap nap nap. In fact, if I seem like i'm bubbly around you, just know that deep down, I'm fantasizing about my next nap.



· In many ways a person’s handwriting is like a seismograph, a readout of unseen activity below the surface. Your writing reveals that there is a lot of activity below the surface. You are characteristically sympathetic, cheerful, emotional and optimistic.
Emotional yes… sometimes cheerful. You are Cynical and you have no sympathy unless its for animals :p
Kraig nailed it. I really do have little sympathy for the most part for people, but if its for animals than I'm ready to be their little animal therapist. Cheerful...hmmm...depends around who. I'm cranky most of the time I think. Optimistic, definitely NOT. My mantra is: expect the worst, and the worst won't happen, if it does then at least you're prepared

· Everybody enjoys solitude at some point and companionship at other times.Your writing says that you tend to enjoy your quiet moments more, and that it may take some time to open yourself up to others. People may see you as a ‘chatterbox’ sometimes but there is a very private dimension to you that few people get the chance to enjoy.
Very true

Yes to the bone. That chatterbox line is crazy true, and sums me up on so many levels. I wish i could kiss the guy who wrote this, becasue seriously it really is EXACTLY how I am. And most people think I'm some social butterfly, but really I love just curling up with a blanket, my cats, and a magazine on a Friday night.



· The letters in your words indicate that you are outgoing and sometimes outspoken. But you are mature enough to exercise reserve and caution when it’s called for.
true
LOL well some people say that I don't exercise reserve, but yeah I'm pretty outspoken. I'm a loudmouth for the most part. I've gots no shame in my game, if I've come up with something fabulously witty yer gonna hear it.

· You are tolerant, sensitive and impressionable.
Sensitive and impressionable… yah I guess this is all true.
Impressionable, BIG TIME...on so many levels. I start to mimic the mannerisms and expressions of those around me. I STILL use expressions from my buddy slash ex cubemate Tony ("He should be shot") and we worked together 8 years ago. I swear, put me in a room with people from Compton and you'll be thinking i'm from the ghetto in no time. As for tolerant, that I don't know. I guess I am, people wonder why I put up with some crap for so long, and I think that's because I want to give everyone the benefit of the doubt above and beyond everyone else's typical patience level.

·You have undiscovered or underdeveloped gifts of creativity.
Very true
Well if I have undiscovered talents then I don't know about them, so how could I dispute this? But creativity overall....I'm relatively creative, however I feel like creativity and logic are opposites, and I'm much more logical than creative. I want concrete numbers to work with over abstract thoughts like "make it blue"...what shade of blue? Give me a Pantone number. How opaque?



·Not everyone knows how to treat themselves as good as you treat yourself. You might lack inhibition and you tend to indulge your various cravings. You are quite ‘at home’ enjoying yourself with things that make you happy.
You don’t treat yourself well – so this is partially true
HA hardly....this is the only thing int his last that's truly wrong, i'm not comfortable at ALL treating myself with crap! My big splurge is to buy some more Lip Smackers chapstick at Target.


· You can be compulsive and indecisive
– true
YES YES YES so true. I can't believe my handwriting showed this. I'm so indecisive, it's mind boggling. I treat reading a menu like it's effing Sophie's Choice. "Ohhh, the chicken or the pasta? No...wait...the panini...oh...OHHH the humanity!"...

· You don’t operate according to ‘convention’. You think and act independently with a directness that might be mistaken for disrespect sometimes. But you are actually quite modest and accommodating.
– very true
This is so unbelievably true it's unreal. Even down to the disrespect part. For example...I went to a movie (sorry Carrie, I know you hate this example) with some friend's and a friend's friend, some chick I'd never met.

After the movie we were chatting about how she managed to save us seats on opening night of the movie, she was saying how she finangled the door guy yadda yadda. Being the ultimate scammer that I am, i was so floored, I just kept bombarding her with questions so I could learn to do that in the future. She however had a little freak-out and started yelling "oh, i though i did a GOOD thing by getting us seats! i'm SOOOO sorry!" and got all pissed off.

Thankfully Carrie was like "no, you don't get it, Sabina thinks this is great, she wants to learn more"...i was so stunned that this psycho chick flipped on me when I was (what i thought) giving her praise for her wise tactics.

On a side note, Carrie later was like "I knew she opened a pandora's box!"...i've spent WEEKS dwelling on that psycho chick's response, freaking out that i've offended her friend (not the psycho girl, but carrie's friend), yadda yadda....it's just funny that she kept trying to convince me that the problem really was this girl, not with me, but that she knew she wouldn't be able to get me to think otherwise lol.

By the dawn's early light (...is that how it goes?)

Quickie post, had a fantastic day chillin' with Felicia...got our pool on.

The last 2 pics are of her bf John getting IN the dumpster to throw out the trash. He's a trooper.

I also have to give him props for making me cry laughing by innocently asking "Did he have retard strength?"....I'm usually the one making the absolutely inappropriate and un-PC jokes, it's refreshing when someone else does it.

Chillin' like a villain...

Our home and native land

I can't believe I forgot about Canada Day. I didn't even wear red or white or both yesterday.

I sort of feel like it's the equivalent of forgetting the date of your best friend's death. I should know it, acknowledge it, and do something in tribute that day each year.

So in honor of my special place, here's all the things I miss about Canada:

1.The fact I have to spell the above “honor” instead of “honour”, as well as “colour” and “labeling” only has one “L” here.
2.Poutine.
3.The national anthem. Not that i think it's a good national anthem, but at least I know the words. I'm willing to admit though, the US national anthem is damn catchy, it's like they got Timbaland to produce theirs whereas we got some old guy with a casio keyboard.
4.Poutine.
5.Tim Hortons.
6.More specifically, Timbits. Hell, I'll settle for a Dunkin' Doughnuts but they only have effing Krispy Kreme around here, which is the biggest bastardization of a doughnut alive.
7.Poutine.
8.Getting plum sauce to dip my fries in anywhere i go.
9.The cost of gas per liter, not per gallon.
10.Quaker muffin mix. Here the muffin mixes give you at best 6 ghetto muffins. But the paper bag situation in those Quaker brand muffin mixes, omg, you get 24 out of them and they're SO EFFING GOOD....damn i miss those.
11.I miss Shoppers Drug Mart.
12.I miss malls having a Shoppers, Pharma Plus, or whatever. They don't put those in malls here.
13.Poutine.
14.I miss being able to pick up a package and understand either side of the box (French or English). Now i'm like “no espanol por favor senior!”.
15.MuchMusic. I'm not dissing MTV...but they're not the same at ALL (even though I believe MuchMusic and Musique Plus are owned by MTV).
16.A good solid thunderstorm. Which isn't Canadian per se, but I just haven't seen one since I moved here 8 years ago. EIGHT YEARS since I've seen the crazy kind of thunderstorm that's fun to watch from a window, where it's loud, where you feel like everything inside of you is being washed away.
17.Poutine. With ketchup. From KFC.
18.Poutine. With ketchup. From Nickels.
19.Poutine. With ketchup. From Zak's.
20.Poutine. With or without ketchup. (I only acquired the ketchup taste because it was an effective method of ensuring other people would mooch and steal my poutine).
21.Speaking of KFC, i miss KFC fries. Not this stupid potato wedge nonsense they have here. FRIES. The kind meant to be slathered with cheese curds and gravy.
22.I miss going to Club Monaco and paying Canadian prices for their stuff.
23.President's Choice skim chocolate milk. It's the only place where you can get less than 2% milkfat in chocolate milk format. I remember I used to buy that stuff by the carton and chug it straight up in the parking lot. Soooo good.
24.McCain Deep N Delicious cakes.

(25 got jacked up)
26.DAMMIT i'm going to cry i want some poutine so effing bad.
27.Going to a Roots store and seeing Canadian stuff written on the apparel, not US stuff.
28.I miss Molson being truly Canadian, after I became and expat so did Molson. I miss their marketing. Do they even DO the “I AM CANADIAN” ads anymore?! They were so effective!

Which thus leads me to say, I miss the Cabin as well, naturally.

29.I miss Poutine from Minglewoods, which is right next to the Cabin.
30.I miss East Side Mario's. Just for their croutons and chicken tetrazzini.
31.I miss taking $20 cab rides. Not like the $120 cab rides to go down the street like here.
32.I do NOT miss New York Fries poutine. Their stuff sucked balls. But i miss debating with people over the merits of leaving the skin on potatoes when making fries (nasty, IMO).
33.I miss The Market.
34.I miss Le Caveau de Schezuan.
35.I miss spiders that crawl on webs and up high, unlike the spiders here that don't even make frickin' webs and crawl on ME instead....
36.Having a $2 bill/coin (yes, they have them here, but not like you're going to find 'em).
37.Poutine poutine poutine.

Damn I'm homesick for the great white north.

Don't hate the camera, hate the cameraman

I've officially decided that my camera has a Goob filter. If I didn't know me, and I saw pics of me, I'd want to punch me for being such an insubordinate Goob.

Pics from this weekend, too lazy to divide them up but at least I wrote captions. The first set are from Sat night, went to dinner in Laguna for Nicole V-now-B's birthday, the next set is for this charity fashion show thing I went to...

Shutt Yo Fly link

So i had the morning from hell, I had to take Stash to an eye specialist because he's got, for lack of a better word, a serioudly goopy eye. Which he's had for years and I didn't think much of it until the vet was all "oh, his eye could rupture". I freaked out, and drove him all the way to frickin' Tustin to see this specialist. Tustin is mutha effing FAR when you've got a cat hyperventilating and howling in your car.

Typically I can survive cats hollering at me, I'm very much of the "suck it up I'm paying serious coin so you can get better", but he was breathing so hard I was afraid he was going to pass out, so I'm hyperventilating...bad bad.

Anyway, the good news is that it's nothing crazy. He damaged a tear duct (some stuff from when he was a kitten at the shelter) and its scarred over, so his tears don't drain through his nasal passages, they just pour over his eye. They told me eventually it could lead to an ulcer, but in the grand scheme he's okay as long as I keep an eye on him. My poor baby. They kept sticking these little paper things right in his eyeball to see how fast tears would produce...it was nuts, his bad eye just soaked through the papers in a split second. ANd then he was left with blue and green ink all over his eyes for the rest of the day.

There goes $250. I swear, no one spends as much on their cats as I do. And when I got home, Stash just gave me the evil eye (HA bad pun).

Thoughts for the last day in June

A few random, random thoughts for this last day of June:

1. I just realized I missed my brother's birthday. Dammit.

2. I'm seriously the clumsiest person alive. I wish i had a nickel for every time I smacked my car door on my forehead. Today, leaving PetSmart, i did it yet again. My skull probably has bizarro grooves in it as a result being whacked so many times. I once did it close to my eye, mymother insisted I had a boyfriend who was beating me. No, no, I really am just THAT clumsy.

3. Okay, NOW i think the cost of gas is starting to bug me. I held up a good fight, and tried to think that it was worse in the 1970s. But now i'm much more aware of how many times I"m gassing up, and this Excessive California Driving situation is killing my wallet's mojo.

4. Pizza Dude's pizza tastes nowhere near as good at the Z Pizza in Ladera Ranch.

5. A ton of people I know got laid off today, and layoffs = anxiety for me. Bad bad memories of going through it myself. I seriously think we've been gypped that there's been two recessions this decade. Ugh, i think I'm going to have a hard time getting to sleep tonight as a result of the layoff news.

6. Carrie's going to kill me, but I haven't really been watering the flowers she's got in my backyard.

7. Why hasn't anyone invented any of the following:
a) teleportation
b) cure for cellulite (or really, MY cellulite)
c) kitty litter that requires me to never clean...EVER. The Littermaid doesn't count.
d) a better frickin' TSA system at the airport?
What are we, Amish?!

8. Humans have evolved a ton over the past few years, centuries, whatever...why does it still take 9 months to createa baby? Haven't we refined the process so its more efficient and the whole thing can be whittled down to say, 3 weeks?

9. I went to a charity even on Sunday, and I've noticed that charity dinner/brunches/meals always involve some sort of prayer. The intonation or whatever the f*ck its called. This makes my blood boil so much, it makes me NOT want to give to whatever charity i'm there for. If you think its not a big deal, imagine if you were at some charity event and Osama Bin Laden gave the little prayer. You'd be kind of freaked out and worried a lightening bolt would come down on you if you even acknowledged what he said. Sorta how i feel. Can't we separate Church and Charity?!

It's 11pm. Time to get my sleep on.

Oh hell no! Not you Cookie Monster!

It has come to my attention (thank you Mr. Colbert) that Cookie Monster has been stuck promoting fruits instead of carbs.

WHAT
THE
FUUUUUUUUUUUHhhhhhh....

I get that we have an obesity epidemic. I get that kids weigh more now than ever before. But you do NOT eff around with my homeboy CM and his cookie agenda.

There's just some traditions that should not be broken. I dig how he never actually "ate" the cookie, but rather it just crumbled in front of Cookie Monster. I don't know about you, but cookies make me pretty nutty too. I had 2 chocolate chip cookies this afternoon and I was so giddy, it prompted other people nearby to get cookies. Damn right that kind of propaganda wouldn't have worked if I were hopping around with a frickin' apple.

Letter to the Editor

Hey where you at a place called Islands?

No, the picture post was when we were at Yard House for dinner, then Chronic Cantina to get our partayyy on. Which everyone did...Janet went home to vomit up a lung, and at 3am I was still cleaning the vomit from behind the toilet because Kraig missed.

He said that someone handed him a drink, he has no idea who, and that put him over the edge. This week I ran into an ex-coworker of mine who happened to have been at Chronic that night, and SHE was the temptress with the shot! Thanks Jill :P

In other news, yeah i know the video below is effed up on the page, i'm too lazy to resize it. Suck it.

Im also vowing to blog at LEAST once or twice a week. Speaking of vows, I suck at my NY Monthly Resolution List. I don't think I completed a single thing. And we're JUne. I think this month's goal was to read all my French books while vegging out at Lake MV. So much for that.

In case anyone needs an entertainment fix, here's the abridged version:

Get Smart: I would lick Steve Carrell's balls, so I'm a little biased towards anything he does. That being said, this movie was pretty bad. Once you week out the pratfalls and wisecracks, you're stuck wondering wtf is going on with the plot. They're going to Russia to check what now? And why are they in that dude's house? Oh it's an excuse to do that laser alarm scene. Gotcha.

Swingtown This show is easily becoming my Gossip Girls for the summer. I adore the retro clothing and stuff, I love that Grant Show (from Melrose Place) has a porn star mustache....it's a delightfully tacky show. And yeah, it's about a couple that moves into a neighborhood and gets sucked into swinging courtesy of Mr. Porn 'Stache.

America's Best Dance Crew 2 Randy Jackson, I hate you...but I love you. You make me even like Mario Lopez (who, I have to admit, is at least a genius with his career...he's even more successful than Tiffany Amber Thiesson, whatever spelling). I miss my Gr8 Sk8 crew, and Jabawockees, but these teams are shaping up to "bring on yo A-game, this is Season Two y'all, but i respect what y'all ahh doin'"...

Kah-Toe-Mahh-Tayyyyy!

My niece kicks ass

Check out my niece...she's frickin' gorgeous. And it helps that she looks IDENTICAL to how i looked (and sounded) at that age.


Online Videos by Veoh.com

Picture post...

Here's a link to pics from last night, for anyone who might be bored enough to go through them...my friend Janet just ran a marathon, is moving to Santa Barbara, and had a birthday all within the same 2 week period...
Shutterfly bitches!


Also fyi to anyone reading this from Facebook: just go straight to the source, Blogger link.

That's right bitches!

Yeahhhh...take a look at the bottom of the page to the HELOC paydown...three digits! The goal was to pay down $15k in 2007, and it's almost done.

Not that it makes a diff...this was the recommendation of Countrywide last year (to pay down $30k of my home equity loan before the rest of the loan is set to switch over at the end of 2009, i.e: pay down 15k per year for two years). Realistically, I think I'd need to pay down another $70k if I had to refinance tomorrow.

So seriously, please...just everyone foreclose already! Get it over with! Let's get the worst of it over with.

In other news, I switched jobs again. As usual, not going to post details here but if you want to know the scoop, email me. If you don't know my email, then GOOD...I don't want no stalkers anyway!

A few seriously random thoughts:

- hummus from Daphne's is like magic in my mouth. It's mouth porn.

- I can't WAIT for the next iteration of America's Best Dance Crew. The last round was absolutely incredible.

- Diet Pepsi trumps Diet Coke all the way

- I'm so annoyed that Barrack Obama hand bumping his wife is actually considered a news-worthy story

- I fantasize on so many levels how much things would be better if I just won a $100k lottery. That's it. That's all I need. I'd LIKE more, but beggers can't be choosers, and $100k after taxes would be wonderful.

- I think I found a grey hair today. I was FREAKING out. I'm going to play ignorant until this weekend, then I'm going to go on a rampage. Getting grey hair is a million times worse than a wrinkle...it's like finding out you're in menopause. But at least menopause isn't displayed all over your scalp for the whole world to see how old you are.

Going to take a nap now. I actually get home at a decent time now where I can nap! Justin can bring sexy back, but I'm bringing napping back!

Letter to Us Weekly

Dear writers, editors, and other staff at US Weekly:

Let me begin to say that I highly enjoy your literary piece of fluff. I prefer it over People, which to me has too many stories about "real" people (if I wanted to read about a cancer kid who raised money and helped others, I'd read Newsweek. I read gossip mags to read about all that is evil and vapid about the world). For awhile it was the highlight of my week, getting your issue in the mail and waiting to read it at the gym, going page-by-ad-laden-page.

I'm okay when you guys go directly to the source instead of running off the gossip mill. I was okay when you had numerous articles about Jessica and Nick (how the tales of marriages woes were untrue. Hey, we all knew they were denying like mad).

What I do take issue with (ha ha bad pun) is when you cover stories about reality shows like The Hills. Unless you're discussing LC's fashion line, her alleged sex tape, or when the new season will start, I don't want to read it.

Let's make something very clear: the audience, whether 12 or 112, knows its scripted. So your cover stories about "The Plot To Destroy Lauren" are as much of an insult to your readers as a cover saying "Lynette battles cancer while Bree makes muffins" or "Kate's love triange: Sawyer speaks out". There is no plot to destroy Lauren. Heidi does not have heartache. Heidi speaks out "Why I called off my wedding" is very clear: the show told me to.

Let's go over last week's issue: Heidi Asks For a Ring: I'm Ready to Say I Do! Are you effing kidding me?! In case you didn't notice, throughout this season outside of the realm of MTV we have seen Spencer and Heidi pose shamelessly for the paparazzi, canoodling like mad. Were we really supposed to believe they broke up? And funny how nowhere in the show while there's all this alleged drama, MTV never showed them film via handycam Heidi's ghetto video. Nay, it's pretty safe to say that nothing on The Hills is a reflection of their true life, unless you want to factor in bathing and drinking.

So in case I haven't made it clear to you US Weekly, let me spell it out: IT'S NOT REAL. It's not even ALLEGEDLY real (hey, that's why we buy your mags. For the possibility of it being real). If I want a make-believe plotline, I'll read Soap Opera Digest.

Do you need more help? Let's go through this:
Heidi and LC were friends (allegedly true)
LC and Speidi get in a fight (sure, good enough for me, it's still season 1)
Speidi is no longer a part of LC's life, so Speidi must come up with a reason to be entertaining to be a part of The Hills (now we start entering "make believe" land)
Spencer proposes to Heidi (scripted)
Heidi says yes (scripted to match the fake ring)
Spencer and Heidi have drama (scripted)
repeat above line a few times
oh no, they have no interaction with LC, how to still be a part of the hills?
Spencer's sister (aka She-Pratt) attends LC's fashion class (scripted)
Spencer is SOOOO angry against She-Pratt. (scripted)
Heidi is soooo angry against She-Pratt (scripted)
Spencer gets back together with Heidi. (scripted)
Heidi is ready to get married (scripted)

Do you notice all the SCRIPTEDs above?! THe best part was when Spencer moved in with She-Pratt...it was like an episode of Three's Company, I was ready for the landlord with the flowery neckties to show up and think Spencer was gay. ("Come and knock on our door...")

So i plead with you...stop airing articles from a scripted show if it's about the plotline (marriage? no. new fashion line? yes.) and please, PLEASE stop showing pictures from their "romantic" vacation...they're so staged they might as well have a set designer and list of all poses required for each photoshoot.

Sincerely,

A devoted US Weekly reader that doesn't want to be insulted anymore with your unreal stories. I like my tales to have "alleged" in front of the headlines.

Scariest corporate mascots

I'm copping out by just linking to another article, but if you don't have time to read the whole thing at the very least read the very first item (#7) and watch the Jolly Green Giant commercial circa 19-something-before-color-tv...scary crap man!
top 7 most terrifying corporate mascots of all time

Long time no post...

I've got ALOT of crap in my head, with no time or energy to write. Sorry. Suck it.

Just wanted to post one of the funniest convos I've had in awhile, courtesy of Carrie (while discussing the drones who work for the TSA):

me: "Don't hate the playa, hate the game"
Carrie: "I hate the player AND the game!"

Yo...help a sistah out...

My friend Janet needs to get another $400 for her marathon...donate some money and get some good karma (and a nice email from her) in return...


http://www.active.com/donate/tntors/JPudelko

Movie Review: Alpha Dog

Yeah, I watched two movies this weekend. Well actually 3, I finally saw "Airplane!" which yes, i've never seen. Suck it.

Alpha Dog, in a nutshell, is a f*cked up movie.

That's it. That's all I gotta say really. Oh it also features Ben Foster, who I noted in my previous post plays nutty/psycho guy REALLY well.

Another movie I'd recommend, if you're in the mood for gratuitous drug use, smoking, swearing, nudity, and sweaty guys freaking out with guns in their hands wiping goo off their faces. And seriously I do recommend it. I liked it.

Movie Review: 3:10 to Yuma

As usual, I need to start this movie review with a disclaimer:

I can't stand westerns. I really, really can't stand them. And it's for the most retarded of reasons: I can't tell anyone apart. Somehow the yellow cast of the filming with the brown/yellow dirty clothes and cowboy hats makes it so that I can't tell who's who unless it happens to be someone pretty famous. So if I'm watching an older Western, forget it: other than Clint Eastwood I won't know who's the bad guy vs. the good guy.

And all that "I reckon" talk just pops a big ol' question mark over my head.

That being said, "3:10 to Yuma" has enough famous people in it for me to tell the difference. One of the true stars of the movie is Ben Foster. That dude plays crazy REALLY well. He recently was on My Name is Earl as the nutty guy who Earl's afraid of in jail. He played another nutty druggie guy in Alpha Dog. Ben Foster plays nutty so well, I fail to believe he's actually a normal dude in real life; if I saw him in the grocery store I'd run out of that Albertsons clutching my purse.

The concept is pretty good: good guy must get bad guy to a train heading to prison at 3:10...while a billion badasses are trying to kill you to get their bad guy leader back. Christian Bale is a big favorite of mine (he did American Psycho soooo well, and I had intended on hating him before I even saw the movie because I fell in love with the character from the book), but he really does do a fantastic job in the movie.

I actually would recommend this flick if you want to mix it up a little, get your violence on, and root for the good AND bad guys.

Smo fo buttah layin' to the bone, jackin' me up...tightly!

Once again I'm in one of those modes where I don't feel like anything I'm thinking about is worth typing, let alone worth it for anyone reading.

We're back to ANOTHER round of home improvement woes, today's problem: the garbage disposal is leaking. Now the problem with leaks is that they go relatively unnoticed until weeks later, you run the water for a long time, and you finally see a pile of water at your feet. By then the stuff in your cupboard, and the cupboards themselves, are slimy wet. In the case of the garbage disposal...well you can imagine the beauty that comes out of that sucker.

Typically I call Saddleback Plumbing. Why? Because they're the only ones I can think of because they spam me with so many $12 coupons (excellent marketing on their part). But today I thought of the Mike Diamond commercials ("we guarantee our plumbers will be on time and smell good"). Their customer service is fantastic, the only problem is that they couldn't get anyone in today. That means I now have to argue like crazy to have them come after 6pm during the week, or tough it out till next week (the most likely solution). Blegh. Home ownership blows for the most part.

Then again, so does renting. I just need to find a cardboard box and pimp it out.

To change topics...
Some people have a life slogan, other people have something they'd want written on their headstone...I may have found my little "quote of the day", as written to Kelly and Erica the other day (the topic: Spencer Pratt actually being correct in an argument against Heidi Montag).

I dig it. 'Cause as much as we all love to hate him...he's right. And I love it when people we hate are right. Like, if Hitler was preaching about spaying/neutering your pets, I'd be in heaven.

Maybe i'll put that on a tshirt.

Why I want to stab my eyes...

I went to a software project estimation thing today (yeah, on a Saturday...at 8am...up in Long Beach...), and driving back I was forced to see a sight that i'd like to forget, if only someone can figure out how to suck the memory out through my ear canal.

Picture it:
I'm driving along my merry way, pretty tired 'cause I woke up at 6am, driving in the right lane 'cause I'm getting on my exit...
All the cars are slowed to a crawl, which doesn't phase me much 'cause my exit somehow manages to be some bizarro traffic zone (it's the same spot where those 3 kids from Ladera Rach died in a single accident last year).
Low and behold, the reason why all the cars are driving at the speed of lard: an SUV is parked on the side of the road, and a woman is outside of it...bare assed...URINATING.

Urinating ALOT. Like a dog (except she was peeing more like my cats do). Thing is, I was so tired i wasn't really thinking and I was wondering what this woman was doing (like did she lose something on the ground...was she puking...wtf was she going) until I realize I'm staring at her bare ugly ass and the liquid coming out of her.

Bare asses when not on set (i.e. covered with makeup or airbrushed) are NASTY looking.

And since we were driving so slow, I was forced to see this scene for a second longer than I would have LIKED to (it's not like you can close your eyes while driving).

I'm terrified that my brain won't forget that image, and that this awful sight will take the spot where a wonderful memory once was.