Wicked

So for our anniversary Kraig and I saw Wicked at the Pantages Theater.



Now here's my disclaimer: I never actually saw Wizard of Oz in full. I know the gist of it, but not all the details. My mother did however take me to see Return to Oz in 1985, but that doesn't make a diff.

So Wicked takes us back to the wee days when the Wicked Witch of the West (named Elphaba) is born as a result of her mom whoring herself to some dude who liked to drink green goo. Green sperm = green baby and mommy's husband hates Elphaba from the start.

Fast forward to the Saved By The Bell: The Witchy Years edition, and Elphaba is stuck going to some fancy shmancy boarding school as a caretaker for her younger sister Nessa, who's confined to a wheelchair. Daddy is apparently a governer. He gives Nessa a pair of silver sparkly slippers as "good luck in college" gift, and Elphaba gets a "don't f*ck this up, watch your little sister".

Naturally everyone's freaked out by Elphaba's green skin, so she gets the typical Molly Ringwald "freak" label. She's stuck rooming with Galinda ("That's Galinda with a Gah"), the popular blond who wants to be a witch but is more interested in the hot rebel Fiyero. The school headmistress realizes Elphaba's got special powers and makes it her pet project to encourage Elphaba's freakish talents so that one day she can meet The Wizard.

Turns out that in Oz, there's crazy racism...against animals. In Oz, animals can talk...but the hillbilly people for the most part are edging out talking animals. The last Teacher Animal (a goat) gets the boot (so much for unions) and in they bring some Nazi type dude who's all for teaching how to ensure animals never talk: by keeping them in cages.

So...you like some goat-on-green-girl action?

Elphaba's a wannabe PETA chick so she gets all pissed off, everything gets all sketchy, she and Fiyero catnap the Nazi dude's lion cub so they can bring him to safety. Naturally the lion cub is freaked out (...cowardly much?), Elphaba falls for Fiyero, Fiyero falls for Elphaba even though Galinda wants a piece of his man meat.

Yadda yadda, everyone hates Elphaba, they tease her, they think she'll melt if she gets wet, Galinda gives her the ugly pointed hat that her aunt sent her...but when they all skip out to go clubbing, Galinda ends up sticking up for Elphaba when everyone laughs at her for trying to shake her groove thang.

That night, Elphaba and Galinda (who eventually changes her name to "Glinda...the GAH is silent" to support the Goat Teacher who could never pronounce her name right) do some girl bonding by means of a makeover. Glinda confesses that she's going to marry Fiyero (he just doesn't know it yet) and Elphaba confesses that her sister is in a wheelchair because her dad was so disgusted by her green skin, he made her mom eat milkflowers during her pregnancy which of course jacked up the baby. They realize they're the best of friends.

Yay, time for a makeover! Then we can play Girltalk and use those zit stickers

Finally Elphaba gets a chance to meet the Wizard and Glinda wonders wtf is going on with Fiyero so she decides to hitch a ride with Elphaba to the Emerald City. And since everything is green in the Emerald City, Elphaba looks pretty normal. Don't know if they make green foundation, but its a start.

Does this color make me look fat?

When they go to meet the Wizard, he cons Elphaba into reading a passage in the Grimmerie, a sorcery book. Turns out, the Wizard is a two-bit hack and the college Headmistress lady is along for his evil plans. After Elphaba inadvertently gives monkeys wings, she realized the Wizard is an a-hole who is the cause for the Animals Shouldn't Talk movement. The Wizard spins everything by making it look like Elphaba is an evil witch....she gets crazy pissed off, steals the Grimmerie, creates herself a flying broom, and attempts to get Glinda to run off with her.

Glinda gets her panties in a bunch too scared to go so she says "i'll catcha later...no seriously....really...". Note that any spell can't be undone. Elphaba sneaks over to her sister's place...at this point her dad has died and Nessa is now the Governor. Governator. Whatever. Nessa's guilt tripped an old schoolmate Bac into staying by her side, even though Bac has always been in love with Glinda. Days of our Lives much? yep.

Nessa's pissed at Elphaba for not hooking up with some working legs, and Elphaba says there isn't a spell for everything BUT she can make those silver slippers make her walk...after Bac clues in, he's all "you don't need me, so catch ya on the west siiyed", Nessa gets pissed and attempt to read a spell from the Grimmerie. Bac's heart gets all jacked up, so Elphaba turns him into a Tin Man so that he'll never need that heart. Nessa blames Elphaba for this whole thing.

So basically Oz loves Glinda who's their little cheerleader, the school headmistress is now the Wizard's PR person, and the Wizard is a dick who likes to cage flying monkeys. The town's all pissed off at Elphaba 'cause they think she's an evil witch, a lion is all pissed off 'cause he says Elphaba is the reason he's cowardly, Bac blames her for being a tin man...oh the humanity.

Fiyero is the head of the army, but it comes out that he's still in love with Elphaba. Glinda gets all pissed off and tells the headmistress that to get to Elphaba, they have to get to Nessa. The headmistress starts up a storm, the house falls on Nessa, a "little girl and her dog" swipe Nessa's shoes, and Elphaba gets PISSED 'cause she wants her sister's shoes back. The rest of hte army takes Fiyero and gets ready to torture him on a Jesus-style cross...so Elphaba turns him into a scarecrow so that he'll never feel pain and he'll never die.

Or maybe she likes to get her freak on with men made of straw.

Glinda realizes that Elphaba's her best friend and who cares if Fiyero loves her instead. Elphaba just wants to off herself...she gives the Grimmerie book to Glinda and tells Glinda to NOT make excuses for her or try to redeem her after her death. The "little girl and her dog" splash water on Elphaba, and she melts....

Glinda puts the smackdown on the Wizard and the headmistress by banishing them, after realizing that the Wizard is the green goo drinker...and he's the a-hole who made everyone hate his own daughter.

Glinda then becomes the Good Witch, while we see that Elphaba never died...she and Fiyero ran off to live happily ever after.

If you have the chance to see it, I HIGHLY recommend it!