Movie Review: Wolverine

Yeah, there might be spoilers. Not anything that you can't guess. Like...obviously he doesn't kill Sabretooth since he's in the other movies (at least, from what i remember right?) and this is a prequel.

Let me backtrack and give you the Sabina X-Men History:

I was a teenager when I first heard of X-Men, the kids I used to babysit LOVED the cartoon. And then *I* loved the cartoon. It was the shiz. Note to self: get the DVDs.

Later in University I bought my boyfriend this huge collection of X-Men comics,issues 1-100, in sequence. They were reprints...at the time cost me around $100-$150, which is alotta coin when you're a student blowing $200 each weekend on liquor. Well not all on liquor...I'm pretty sure that after $30 worth of alcohol bartenders would just stiff me my change since it's not like i was going to count it drunk anyway.

Well f*cker boyfriend gave me a snotty reply when I gave him the comics that he had most of the ORIGINALS already. I was like "fine, suck it" and took them back. Read them myself. LOVED them of course.

Later I date/get engaged/marry Kraig, who's a massive comic book affectionado. In fact, if there's a Cigar Affectionado magazine, I wonder if there's a magazine for comic book readers...sorta like Soap Opera Digest. Superman's contract is renewed. All the drama on this week's Avengers! Find out who Lyja makes out with this week!. Enter the world of Comic Con and endless nagging to "...take those frickin' books off the coffee table and put them upstairs because they're just clutter and it's pissing me off".

So...while I'm not an ultra nerd, I can hold my own when it comes to the world of comic books.

Loved the first X-Men movie, minus stupid Halle Barry as Storm. WTF. Oh and Famke Janssen...I already can't stand Jean Grey's character ("oh whoa is me, my mutant powers give me a headache". Professor X needs to toss her some Advils and boot her ass out the door.). WTF is this crap:


The second one I loathed. WTF is that whole Asian invasion nonsense. Getting Kelly Hu to play Deathstrike...that's post-Crouching Tiger, when every movie had to star a hot Asian chick who could kick ass. See also: Michelle Yeoh in Tomorrow Never Dies. And the Charlie's Angels franchise. I really hate when Hollywood uses people as a trend. (See also: funny-lovable-overweight-sassy-teen-boy. I'm looking at you Jonah Hill).
Thus I skipped the 3rd Xmen, i was tired of the whole franchise, tired of seeing the dolls with the new black outfits, just tired of it all.
So what made me come out of hiding for X-Men Origins: Wolverine? Pfft, like you even need to ask:

Yeahhhh...Ryan Reynolds can get me out for a public caning. Those would be tears of joy pouring down my face.
(this is where I apologize to my husband for having to be...well...married to me.)
Now, onto the movie.
There's some chronological issues I have at the beginning, but okay the last thing we'd expect from filmmakers is for their movie to make sense. It seems like it's supposed to take place in the late 70s, which is interesting because no one had a hippie hairdo, long sideburns, or handlebar mustache. No monochromatic or flowered shirts. Apparently in Canada in the 70s, it looks just like 2009. My people are very progressive.

Hugh Jackman is actually pretty brilliant in it, but what do you expect from a guy who's entire career is based on his lucky shot as getting to play Wolverine? Dude needs this franchise to pay for those raw eggs he has to consume to get that body. He had to eat 5000 cals a day as part of the beefing-up plan (or so I hear from TMZ, and Harvey Levin would never steer me wrong).

The story is the usual spiel: boy meets girl, girl gets killed, boy turns renegade and turns his back on society by agreeing to get adamantium shellacked to his bones in order to get revenge, boy realizes he got boned up the ass by agreeing to the aforementioned surgery, boy now really really wants to get revenge. Violence mixed with comedic moments ensue.

If you're looking for entertainment, this movie gets an A+. If you're looking for Ryan Reynolds, this movie gets a C. Deadpool starts off as Van Wilder, ends up like Frankenstein. Sigh.

If you're a Taylor Kitsch fan, yeah you're screwed up the pooch too. Gambit's a minor character in this movie. And i really take exception to his appearance. THIS is how Gambit should look:

Short spiky hair with a strong jaw. WTF is this crap:

That's not Gambit. That's frickin' A Clockwork Orange.

Does this review have a point? Let's summarize:
Entertaining: yes
Ryan Reynolds: barely
Taylor Kitsch: barely
Hugh Jackman: fantastic
Storyline: nothing you didn't already know.
Oh if you do go see it, sit through the entire credits...there's another few mins, but what they show on the east coast is different than what they showed here. Now you know.