HONOLULU - A daughter of reality TV star Duane "Dog" Chapman was killed in a car accident late Friday, a day before her father's wedding, a spokesman said.
Barbara Katy Chapman, 23, died near her home of Fairbanks, Alaska, said Michael Feeney, senior vice president of A&E television network.
Duane Chapman's Saturday wedding on the Big Island went forward as planned after the family consulted with a preacher and agreed to celebrate her life at the ceremony, Feeney told The Associated Press.
The star of "Dog the Bounty Hunter" married his longtime sidekick, Beth Smith, after being together for 16 years. The wedding is scheduled to be featured in an Aug. 14 episode of the show about Chapman and his tattooed crew of fugitive finders.
Barbara Chapman had not been expected to attend the wedding, and the circumstances of the accident were unclear, Feeney said.
She was one of 12 of the bounty hunter's children. She is survived by her mother, Lyssa Greene, and her 4-year-old son, Travis Drake-Lee Chapman.
I get that this is sad and all....but am I the only one that was like "WTF!" at the TWELVE CHILDREN part?!!! Someone's not shooting blanks...
Sunday, May 21, 2006
Friday, May 19, 2006
Bone-ability
From Oh No They Didn't!
Which would YOU do?
LUKE VS. OWEN WILSON
One is a dark-haired stunner while the other is a quirky blond. Which Wilson brother would you bring home to Mom?
Luke is better looking but Owen is wayyyy sexier...i'd do Owen. Then afterwords he can play me a song and cartoon birds would fly around us. It'd be great.
RYAN SEACREST VS. SIMON COWELL
The American Idol host can charm, while the cranky judge keeps it real. Who gets your vote?
Egads, Ryan all the way. Ryan's got a fit body AND he's not gonna cross his arms and critique you after. Plus Simon looks lazy...i mean, all he does is sit in that chair. Ryan's gotta run around and get all interactive.
RICHIE SAMBORA VS. CHARLIE SHEEN
They're no strangers to complicated relationships: Which would you take a chance with – the Bon Jovi guitarist or the TV star?
Oh geezus Charlie all the way. Although I'm sure he's a complete loon...but he'd still be more fun.
KANYE WEST VS. PHARRELL WILLIAMS
Gold diggers need not apply: Which hip-hopper makes your heart beat faster?
This is a tough call. Neither is fabulously good looking...Pharrell's got a decent body i guess...but he looksl ike an alien...and he looks like he got an STD from one of Snoop's leftover women. Kanye it is. But it would still suck, 'cause he looks like the type where you have to keep telling him how fabulous his performance was. Eff that crap.
MICHAEL VARTAN VS. BRADLEY COOPER
The handsome Alias stars make pulses race. With whom would you share a secret mission?
Oh hands down, Michael Vartan. Never Been Kissed made all of us chicks fall for him. Plus Bradley always plays a jackass in movies. Michael's super good looking in that "I could marry that man and i'd have millions of his babies" kind of way.
MICK JAGGER VS. STEVEN TYLER
They may be grandfathers, but they still have that sexy swagger. Which rocker gives you more "Sweet Emotion"?
Gag me please. But between the two, i'm guessing Steven's got more STDs, so I'll stick with Mick. Oh but wait, Steven could sing the Wayne's World song after the boning. No forget it, his lips are too ginormous. Mick it is.
PARIS LATSIS VS. STAVROS NIARCHOS
Paris Hilton has said goodbye to both of them. Which Greek shipping heir would you sail away with?
Stavros baby! Paris is the male version of...well...the other Paris. And we all know how nasty she is.
ADRIAN GRENIER VS. JEREMY PIVEN
Which Entourage power player would you rather hug it out with in real life?
Adrian Grenier is so beautiful, it kills me. My confession: i've seen that STUPID Melissa Joan Hart movie "Drive me Crazy" a billion times 'cause he was in it. Damn that guy would make me melt. Forget who I would "do"...i could just stare at him for hours.
DAVID BLAINE VS. DAVID COPPERFIELD
Making magic is their mission. Which illusionist is your daredevil of choice?
Uh i'll take whichever one can magically turn themselves into...anyone but themself.
ANDY SAMBERG VS. CHRIS PARNELL
Which SNL comedian would you want to spend a "Lazy Sunday" with?
Andy 'cause he's younger, but REALLY...i'd much rather have Seth Meyer. And if we're taking SNL alumni, then Jimmy Fallon ALL the way. I LOVE JIMMY!
CLYDE PICKLER VS. MICHAEL LOHAN
Which jailbird dad piques your inner rebel: Kelly's (of American Idol) or teen queen Lindsay's?
Nastiness. Pure nastiness. I guess Clyde...'cause Michael Lohan would probably steal my stuff after he bones me and then write a tell-all book about me.
WENTWORTH MILLER VS. DOMINIC PURCELL
The Prison Break brothers share piercing eyes and chiseled features. Which actor would you want to escape with?
Wentworth...mmm mmm good. Although he looks a little TOO intense, you know? But he's definitely beautiful.
Ha ha I'm surprised there was no Brokeback Boys to compare...
In other news, props to Nicole B for finding the Strip-Aerobics class at 24HF. I'm sure I'd look like an elephant in a china store doing that stuff, but at least it'll give my thighs a badly-needed workout. Booyah.
Which would YOU do?
LUKE VS. OWEN WILSON
One is a dark-haired stunner while the other is a quirky blond. Which Wilson brother would you bring home to Mom?
Luke is better looking but Owen is wayyyy sexier...i'd do Owen. Then afterwords he can play me a song and cartoon birds would fly around us. It'd be great.
RYAN SEACREST VS. SIMON COWELL
The American Idol host can charm, while the cranky judge keeps it real. Who gets your vote?
Egads, Ryan all the way. Ryan's got a fit body AND he's not gonna cross his arms and critique you after. Plus Simon looks lazy...i mean, all he does is sit in that chair. Ryan's gotta run around and get all interactive.
RICHIE SAMBORA VS. CHARLIE SHEEN
They're no strangers to complicated relationships: Which would you take a chance with – the Bon Jovi guitarist or the TV star?
Oh geezus Charlie all the way. Although I'm sure he's a complete loon...but he'd still be more fun.
KANYE WEST VS. PHARRELL WILLIAMS
Gold diggers need not apply: Which hip-hopper makes your heart beat faster?
This is a tough call. Neither is fabulously good looking...Pharrell's got a decent body i guess...but he looksl ike an alien...and he looks like he got an STD from one of Snoop's leftover women. Kanye it is. But it would still suck, 'cause he looks like the type where you have to keep telling him how fabulous his performance was. Eff that crap.
MICHAEL VARTAN VS. BRADLEY COOPER
The handsome Alias stars make pulses race. With whom would you share a secret mission?
Oh hands down, Michael Vartan. Never Been Kissed made all of us chicks fall for him. Plus Bradley always plays a jackass in movies. Michael's super good looking in that "I could marry that man and i'd have millions of his babies" kind of way.
MICK JAGGER VS. STEVEN TYLER
They may be grandfathers, but they still have that sexy swagger. Which rocker gives you more "Sweet Emotion"?
Gag me please. But between the two, i'm guessing Steven's got more STDs, so I'll stick with Mick. Oh but wait, Steven could sing the Wayne's World song after the boning. No forget it, his lips are too ginormous. Mick it is.
PARIS LATSIS VS. STAVROS NIARCHOS
Paris Hilton has said goodbye to both of them. Which Greek shipping heir would you sail away with?
Stavros baby! Paris is the male version of...well...the other Paris. And we all know how nasty she is.
ADRIAN GRENIER VS. JEREMY PIVEN
Which Entourage power player would you rather hug it out with in real life?
Adrian Grenier is so beautiful, it kills me. My confession: i've seen that STUPID Melissa Joan Hart movie "Drive me Crazy" a billion times 'cause he was in it. Damn that guy would make me melt. Forget who I would "do"...i could just stare at him for hours.
DAVID BLAINE VS. DAVID COPPERFIELD
Making magic is their mission. Which illusionist is your daredevil of choice?
Uh i'll take whichever one can magically turn themselves into...anyone but themself.
ANDY SAMBERG VS. CHRIS PARNELL
Which SNL comedian would you want to spend a "Lazy Sunday" with?
Andy 'cause he's younger, but REALLY...i'd much rather have Seth Meyer. And if we're taking SNL alumni, then Jimmy Fallon ALL the way. I LOVE JIMMY!
CLYDE PICKLER VS. MICHAEL LOHAN
Which jailbird dad piques your inner rebel: Kelly's (of American Idol) or teen queen Lindsay's?
Nastiness. Pure nastiness. I guess Clyde...'cause Michael Lohan would probably steal my stuff after he bones me and then write a tell-all book about me.
WENTWORTH MILLER VS. DOMINIC PURCELL
The Prison Break brothers share piercing eyes and chiseled features. Which actor would you want to escape with?
Wentworth...mmm mmm good. Although he looks a little TOO intense, you know? But he's definitely beautiful.
Ha ha I'm surprised there was no Brokeback Boys to compare...
In other news, props to Nicole B for finding the Strip-Aerobics class at 24HF. I'm sure I'd look like an elephant in a china store doing that stuff, but at least it'll give my thighs a badly-needed workout. Booyah.
Thursday, May 18, 2006
Letter to the editor
Man, you should have given my brother a call. You were right down the road from him.
Oh look dude, I'm FINALLY out of that meeting! Yeah 2.5 weeks...and those bastards didn't even cater lunch. Or provide catheters.
Probably would have helped if i had your brother's number. That being said, if I DID have his number, I would have used it as an excuse to skip out on the hike, tie him to a chair, and stare at that fine young man like the creepy perverted stalker old lady that I am.
Oh look dude, I'm FINALLY out of that meeting! Yeah 2.5 weeks...and those bastards didn't even cater lunch. Or provide catheters.
Probably would have helped if i had your brother's number. That being said, if I DID have his number, I would have used it as an excuse to skip out on the hike, tie him to a chair, and stare at that fine young man like the creepy perverted stalker old lady that I am.
Beef jerky sold here!
Drive it like you stole it and bone it like you own it
Yeahhhhh!
Happy anniversary to me and Kraig. Booyah. 3 years of marriage. Our waitress tonight was like "3 years, that's great, blah blah..." and then says "The first year was rough wasn't it"...
YES, YES IT WAS. And everyone I talk to says the first year is brutal. Except you can't TELL anyone it's brutal, because they think you're in newlywed bliss so you keep smiling through gritted teeth. Finally after one year people are like "yeah that year sucked didn't it?" and you suddenly realize that your life is different, get used to it. And it all gets SO much better.
Which is why I truly do think that living together is NOT the same as being married...the changes are all mental...and the realization that you've legally bound yourself to someone for LIFE makes people act (react!) in surprising ways.
Anyway, I got a beautiful card and seasons 5, 6, and 7 of the Simpsons on DVD. EXACTLY what I wanted. I can't wait to have a Simpsons marathon weekend...
In other news, in case anyone cares, my brother is coming to the OC this weekend. I haven't seen him in a year, which is pretty pathetic since he only lives a few hours away.
Family. Good times.
Yeahhhhh!
Happy anniversary to me and Kraig. Booyah. 3 years of marriage. Our waitress tonight was like "3 years, that's great, blah blah..." and then says "The first year was rough wasn't it"...
YES, YES IT WAS. And everyone I talk to says the first year is brutal. Except you can't TELL anyone it's brutal, because they think you're in newlywed bliss so you keep smiling through gritted teeth. Finally after one year people are like "yeah that year sucked didn't it?" and you suddenly realize that your life is different, get used to it. And it all gets SO much better.
Which is why I truly do think that living together is NOT the same as being married...the changes are all mental...and the realization that you've legally bound yourself to someone for LIFE makes people act (react!) in surprising ways.
Anyway, I got a beautiful card and seasons 5, 6, and 7 of the Simpsons on DVD. EXACTLY what I wanted. I can't wait to have a Simpsons marathon weekend...
In other news, in case anyone cares, my brother is coming to the OC this weekend. I haven't seen him in a year, which is pretty pathetic since he only lives a few hours away.
Family. Good times.
Monday, May 15, 2006
Oh ....crap....
Just fabulous, this is the stuff I've been using for the past few months:
ReNu with Moisture Lock for my contact lenses...
Bausch & Lomb Inc. said Monday it has permanently removed from markets worldwide a contact-lens solution linked by health authorities to an outbreak of rare fungal infections that can cause blindness.
Just effing fabulous....
ReNu with Moisture Lock for my contact lenses...
Bausch & Lomb Inc. said Monday it has permanently removed from markets worldwide a contact-lens solution linked by health authorities to an outbreak of rare fungal infections that can cause blindness.
Just effing fabulous....
I know Katelyn will appreciate this...
MANNNNNN I swear Fergie is FUG to the nth degree:
Beat with an ugly stick
Beat with an ugly stick
Friday, May 12, 2006
Worst blockbusters of all time
THE TEN WORST BLOCKBUSTERS OF ALL TIME
from Pajiba:
10: The Rock
Oh HELL NO. I love this movie. I should remember to buy it. Sean Connery is STILL studly, and Nick Cage is so cheesy, it's fabulous. Plus I've been to Alcatraz twice, so it's kinda cool that they filmed it there and knowing the history behind Alcatraz.
09: Van Helsing
I refused to even see this movie.
08: Pearl Harbor
TOTALLY AGREE. Holy crap this movie is one of the worst movies ever. In fact, it should be #1 on this list. To top it off, I thought it was full of such american propaganda, Kraig and I got into an argument after the movie ended 'cause he disagreed with me. Yeah. Right. The movie SHOULD have ended where America f*cked up and everyone died. But they dragged it out an extra half hour with Alec Baldwin and everyone in Japan, and ended saying "It was america's finest hour". Uhhh if that's the case, then what happened to the other 3 hours of my life that showed how badly you effed up?!?!?
07: Meet The Fockers
Listen, I'll be honest...the whole series bugs me. I didn't like the first one, I didn't even want to see this one. Ben Stiller is only funny when he's got a Wilson brother by his side.
06: Armageddon
So this was another movie I boycotted...but...since I had a blackbox in university and got a ton of PPV movies for free, I was forced to watch it a billion times...I love it. I really should buy it. I mean, come ON...the last part where Bruce Willis switches with Ben so that Ben can "take care of my little girl"...classic! Plus all that Aerosmith stuff, as well as Mr. Pink going psycho in space...great movie fun.
05: Patch Adams
Never saw, but this was a blockbuster?
04: Titanic
Don't make me punch you in the face. I LOVE this movie. Once again...totally cheesy...but I loved the storyline (girl forced to marry someone to save the family...classic!)...actually I just really am fascinated with the true-life Titanic and how everyone insisted it was unsinkable...
03: Star Wars I - The Phantom Menace
Ugh, Jar Jar anyone?
02: Big Momma's House
Uhhh...i never saw it...but i would totally rent it. Once again...a blockbuster? Hardly.
01: Batman & Robin
Yeah i'll give you that one.
from Pajiba:
10: The Rock
Oh HELL NO. I love this movie. I should remember to buy it. Sean Connery is STILL studly, and Nick Cage is so cheesy, it's fabulous. Plus I've been to Alcatraz twice, so it's kinda cool that they filmed it there and knowing the history behind Alcatraz.
09: Van Helsing
I refused to even see this movie.
08: Pearl Harbor
TOTALLY AGREE. Holy crap this movie is one of the worst movies ever. In fact, it should be #1 on this list. To top it off, I thought it was full of such american propaganda, Kraig and I got into an argument after the movie ended 'cause he disagreed with me. Yeah. Right. The movie SHOULD have ended where America f*cked up and everyone died. But they dragged it out an extra half hour with Alec Baldwin and everyone in Japan, and ended saying "It was america's finest hour". Uhhh if that's the case, then what happened to the other 3 hours of my life that showed how badly you effed up?!?!?
07: Meet The Fockers
Listen, I'll be honest...the whole series bugs me. I didn't like the first one, I didn't even want to see this one. Ben Stiller is only funny when he's got a Wilson brother by his side.
06: Armageddon
So this was another movie I boycotted...but...since I had a blackbox in university and got a ton of PPV movies for free, I was forced to watch it a billion times...I love it. I really should buy it. I mean, come ON...the last part where Bruce Willis switches with Ben so that Ben can "take care of my little girl"...classic! Plus all that Aerosmith stuff, as well as Mr. Pink going psycho in space...great movie fun.
05: Patch Adams
Never saw, but this was a blockbuster?
04: Titanic
Don't make me punch you in the face. I LOVE this movie. Once again...totally cheesy...but I loved the storyline (girl forced to marry someone to save the family...classic!)...actually I just really am fascinated with the true-life Titanic and how everyone insisted it was unsinkable...
03: Star Wars I - The Phantom Menace
Ugh, Jar Jar anyone?
02: Big Momma's House
Uhhh...i never saw it...but i would totally rent it. Once again...a blockbuster? Hardly.
01: Batman & Robin
Yeah i'll give you that one.
Glamour's Sex Issue
From Glamour's sex issue....
3.4" = average length of a penis...at rest.
5.9" = average length of an erect penis...which is fine, because 82% of women say they're satisfied with most 6".
8.7" = the size most men THINK they are when erect. Only 9% of women would even want them that big.
...i'm gonna chase after Kraig with a ruler one of these days.
One of the most popular sex gadgets women buy when they shop alone: the Hitachi Magic Wand, a no-frills vibrator. When they're browsing with men, many pick up the petal ring (in the pic it's like a baby teething ring with these petals sticking out). Bottom line: sex toys are subjective.
The % of poeple who's had sex...
...in a car: 50% (are you kidding me? Where else do people have sex when they're still living with their parents?!!)
..in a bathroom: 39% (I guess that means only 39% have ever done it in the shower?)
...in a parent's bedroom: 36% (this i findi nteresting. I could never, EVER, EVERRRR have sex in my parents' bedroom...let alone their HOUSE...but guys never seem to care and in fact, i think they rather want it!)
...in a park: 31%
...on an airplane: 2% (now this i give serious props to people for. I can't even figure out the logistics of this. I figure, you need an overnight flight with barely anyone on the plane...bathrooms are out because the flight attendants are right there! You go mile high people! I support you. I'd never DO it..but I support you.)
The two most common sex fantasy stars:
Most women are dreaming of either
1. a current lover
2. an ex
Why so tame? The most pleasurable fantasies tend to involve someone we've connected with emotionally. Which explains why celebs don't top the list. Unless you ARE a celebrity. With a celebrity ex.
The main reasons condoms break: incorrect usage (yeah no kidding). People either put them on wrong, they don't pinch the tip to get all the air out, or they use them with an oil-based lubricant.
The average number of friends a woman calls to talk about sleeping with someone for the first time: 3.
Average num for guys: 3.
So much for the notion that women are blabbers and men are mute.
3.4" = average length of a penis...at rest.
5.9" = average length of an erect penis...which is fine, because 82% of women say they're satisfied with most 6".
8.7" = the size most men THINK they are when erect. Only 9% of women would even want them that big.
...i'm gonna chase after Kraig with a ruler one of these days.
One of the most popular sex gadgets women buy when they shop alone: the Hitachi Magic Wand, a no-frills vibrator. When they're browsing with men, many pick up the petal ring (in the pic it's like a baby teething ring with these petals sticking out). Bottom line: sex toys are subjective.
The % of poeple who's had sex...
...in a car: 50% (are you kidding me? Where else do people have sex when they're still living with their parents?!!)
..in a bathroom: 39% (I guess that means only 39% have ever done it in the shower?)
...in a parent's bedroom: 36% (this i findi nteresting. I could never, EVER, EVERRRR have sex in my parents' bedroom...let alone their HOUSE...but guys never seem to care and in fact, i think they rather want it!)
...in a park: 31%
...on an airplane: 2% (now this i give serious props to people for. I can't even figure out the logistics of this. I figure, you need an overnight flight with barely anyone on the plane...bathrooms are out because the flight attendants are right there! You go mile high people! I support you. I'd never DO it..but I support you.)
The two most common sex fantasy stars:
Most women are dreaming of either
1. a current lover
2. an ex
Why so tame? The most pleasurable fantasies tend to involve someone we've connected with emotionally. Which explains why celebs don't top the list. Unless you ARE a celebrity. With a celebrity ex.
The main reasons condoms break: incorrect usage (yeah no kidding). People either put them on wrong, they don't pinch the tip to get all the air out, or they use them with an oil-based lubricant.
The average number of friends a woman calls to talk about sleeping with someone for the first time: 3.
Average num for guys: 3.
So much for the notion that women are blabbers and men are mute.
THE OFFICE
FUCK ME HARD HOLY CRAP HOW AMAZING WAS THE OFFICE LAST NIGHT?!!! BLOW YOUR MIND THAT SHOW IS FRICKIN' AMAZING
Update post
Yeah so I haven't written in awhile. Suck it.
Next week I finally get my permanent green card interview thingy. Yee haw. Don't get me started on the photo situation. After 2 hours of hell i somehow ended up with EIGHT greencard photos thanks to Kinkos and DigiPhoto and not a singleo ne is acceptable for the greencard. I'm so peeved, i gotta go raise hell at DigiPhoto sometime before Tuesday and get another one.
On another note, I'm so obsessed with Nick Lachey right now it's crazy. Although maybe it'll switch over to ex-American Idol contestant Chris...he's my boy! WTF:
Is this not heartbreaking? Poor nick:
"It breaks my heart that I couldn't make Jessica happy," he mumbles, his chin pressed into his chest. "I wanted to be everything to my wife. I wanted her to look at me with love in her eyes, the way she did at the beginning, and have her feel like I was the most wonderful, awe-inspiring man on the planet. And when that stopped, it was the worst feeling in the world."
And here's the thing...maybe she DIDNT cheat on him...but take a look at like Reese Witherspoon. You never hear about her with other dudes. Why? Because she acts like a f*cking WIFE that's why. I mean, don't get me wrong...I didn't do a 180 just because I signed a marriage vow...but if I"m going to have cameras in my face, I'm not going to do ANTYHING that's going to even hint that I'm not committed to my marriage.
There is no keener shame than being publicly dumped. Add allegations that your wife cheated on you with several other men -- prankster-actor Johnny Knoxville, Knoxville's wingman Bam Margera, Maroon 5 singer Adam Levine -- and you have a recipe for postal levels of retaliation.
So I admit it...i bought his album. I felt the need to support Team Lachey...to show Jessica was a frickin' moron she is. Seriously, my thoughts were that when they were married he should have written a husbandry book, called "How to despoil your wife in 5 years" (if you watched Newlyweds, you know what that means)...
"I read somewhere somebody was saying, 'Oh, he's capitalizing on his failed marriage to sell records,' " Lachey says. "That really pisses me off. Like I wouldn't rather be singing about how great love is? About my newborn son and shit like that? Give me a fucking break. I don't get to choose where my life goes. What do you want me to sing about?"
I SUPPORT YOU NICK! My plan is also to get him to marry one of my friends (and she knows who she is)...they have so much in common! And she actually wants to be a good wife! C'mon Nick, send me an email...i'll pimp her out.
A few random thoughts...
1. I hate HATE hate effing iTunes.
2. The couch cleaning guy is coming Sat morning so that my couches are officially socially acceptable again.
3. My blowdryer went on the fritz but then I got it working today, thank GOD. I've had it for 11 years and i LOVE it. Especially now that i have Henry hair.
4. Evan booked his trip to Cali! WOO HOO! NOw i gotta come up with inexpensive stuff for us to do while he's here (it'll be crazy, 4th of July and all)
5. I'm effing tired.
6. Go Team Lachey!
7. Whoever invents a cure for split ends will be a zillionaire.
In other news, Kraig saw Paris Hilton yesterday at E3
Paris Hilton at E3 news
Next week I finally get my permanent green card interview thingy. Yee haw. Don't get me started on the photo situation. After 2 hours of hell i somehow ended up with EIGHT greencard photos thanks to Kinkos and DigiPhoto and not a singleo ne is acceptable for the greencard. I'm so peeved, i gotta go raise hell at DigiPhoto sometime before Tuesday and get another one.
On another note, I'm so obsessed with Nick Lachey right now it's crazy. Although maybe it'll switch over to ex-American Idol contestant Chris...he's my boy! WTF:
Is this not heartbreaking? Poor nick:
"It breaks my heart that I couldn't make Jessica happy," he mumbles, his chin pressed into his chest. "I wanted to be everything to my wife. I wanted her to look at me with love in her eyes, the way she did at the beginning, and have her feel like I was the most wonderful, awe-inspiring man on the planet. And when that stopped, it was the worst feeling in the world."
And here's the thing...maybe she DIDNT cheat on him...but take a look at like Reese Witherspoon. You never hear about her with other dudes. Why? Because she acts like a f*cking WIFE that's why. I mean, don't get me wrong...I didn't do a 180 just because I signed a marriage vow...but if I"m going to have cameras in my face, I'm not going to do ANTYHING that's going to even hint that I'm not committed to my marriage.
There is no keener shame than being publicly dumped. Add allegations that your wife cheated on you with several other men -- prankster-actor Johnny Knoxville, Knoxville's wingman Bam Margera, Maroon 5 singer Adam Levine -- and you have a recipe for postal levels of retaliation.
So I admit it...i bought his album. I felt the need to support Team Lachey...to show Jessica was a frickin' moron she is. Seriously, my thoughts were that when they were married he should have written a husbandry book, called "How to despoil your wife in 5 years" (if you watched Newlyweds, you know what that means)...
"I read somewhere somebody was saying, 'Oh, he's capitalizing on his failed marriage to sell records,' " Lachey says. "That really pisses me off. Like I wouldn't rather be singing about how great love is? About my newborn son and shit like that? Give me a fucking break. I don't get to choose where my life goes. What do you want me to sing about?"
I SUPPORT YOU NICK! My plan is also to get him to marry one of my friends (and she knows who she is)...they have so much in common! And she actually wants to be a good wife! C'mon Nick, send me an email...i'll pimp her out.
A few random thoughts...
1. I hate HATE hate effing iTunes.
2. The couch cleaning guy is coming Sat morning so that my couches are officially socially acceptable again.
3. My blowdryer went on the fritz but then I got it working today, thank GOD. I've had it for 11 years and i LOVE it. Especially now that i have Henry hair.
4. Evan booked his trip to Cali! WOO HOO! NOw i gotta come up with inexpensive stuff for us to do while he's here (it'll be crazy, 4th of July and all)
5. I'm effing tired.
6. Go Team Lachey!
7. Whoever invents a cure for split ends will be a zillionaire.
In other news, Kraig saw Paris Hilton yesterday at E3
Paris Hilton at E3 news
Friday, May 05, 2006
Narcissm....
So in case anyone cares, here's the stuff i got done from my TO DO list awhile back:
- go to post office, mail Syl's package and the CD for Julie, Jen's stuff
- Shop Target: kitty litter, gel blush, airwick
- Contact that Jeff guy about refinancing the Home Equity line of credit
- Get a hold of broker to mail out Life Insurance paperwork
- Go to safe deposit box and get green card paperwork and passport (well...going after work today)
- send mom mother's day card
- wrap Ryan and Nicole's wedding gift (it's huge, i'm not wrapping it...i'm getting Williams Sonoma to do that 'cause heck, that's what you're paying 'em for...although Ryan said he didnt' care if I wrapped it in free Babies R Us wrapping paper which i think would be super funny if i did that) doing that after work today
- deposit that $340 check
And only 'cause I want to waste time...from Norm's myspace thingy (damn i hate myspace...i can't believe they actually have a myspace PHONE for eff's sakes):
1. Worst damage you ever took in a fight?
Black eye, massive bruising in various spots, and almost an effing coronary...
2. Most money you ever owed a utility company?
Probably not much...like $100+?
3. Last time you got kicked out of a bar?
I'm a girl. They don't kick us out of bars.
4. Longest time you slept in a car?
Oh geezus I've slept HOURS in a car...all the time. The average is like 3 hours. Probably the max...i dunno, 4-5 hours?
5. Most messed up nickname you've ever been given?
Libby. Don't ask.
6. Worst job you ever had?
Let's see, i've had like 27 jobs in 19 years...and the worst was for the first company I worked for in the Bay area. Yeah you heard me. Working for a tech company made me cry EVERY day and i've worked at McDonald's...I've done housekeeping and yardwork...but that one company was so awful and I couldn't quit for one whole year.
Second worst: Travelodge. Yeah the hotel. To top it off I was dating a coworker (I went through a phase where no matter what the job, i dated or slept with my coworker..wtf. Recommendation: don't sleep with a coworker if you require a uniform as part of yuor job...total libido killer) but since we had alternate shifts the only time we could see each other was after 11pm. You know what you do after 11pm when you both live with your parents? Not much. The kicker was when he took a vacation day on Canada Day and then *I* had to work his stupid shift as a result!
7. Shortest job you've ever had?
I've had a few jobs that were around 2-3 months.
8. Longest romantic relationship?
I've beeen with Kraig since March 2, 2001...but i guess pre-marriage it would be almost 4 years with someone else (I was only with kraig like 1.5 years before he proposed)....
9. Shortest romantic relationship?
Well geezus let's see...3 minutes making out with someone in a bar during a song? I mean, define "romantic"...okay where you actually know the person's name?...sorry Bryan...1 week in Grade 8...lol.
10. Food that you would eat til you puked?
POUTINE!!! But since I can't get that in the US...hmmm...pizza I guess...or Indian (because it's not authentic if you don't eat 10 servings of indian like the Aunties would make you do...)..
11. Food that even looking at makes you puke?
Anything with pesto and/or goat cheese. I got food poisoning off (ironically) some California Pizza somewhere in Ottawa and that's what came up...gughgh.
12. What music saved your life?
Alot of Madonna...i know, retarded, but she's been around my entire life and has had enough phases to cover EVERYTHING.
You know what else is good? Effing Britney Spears' STRONGER song. That came up around the time Adam and I broke up...to this day it can inspire me through ANY workout.
13. Person you miss the most in the world?
ALL my friends in Canada. Lately I've really really been missing Christine, but seriously pretty much all of them. It's like getting your roots cut off. Ha...ROOTS...get it...okay probably not.
14. Worst movie you've ever seen?
That effing train movie with Wesley Snipes. I walked out, went to watch Indecent Proposal for like half an hour, came back to tell my friends about it, and had almost the entire theater listening to my plot synopsis of the OTHER movie instead of watching the one we actually paid to see.
Otherwise...i think i either fell asleep or walked out of Fear and Loathing in Las VEgas...blegh. Got X-rated with aforementioned Travelodge Boyfriend during that crappy Alicia Silverstone one (Excess Baggage) (tips to guys: want to get play from your woman? Take her to see a horrible movie. A blowjob is STILL better than watching a bad, bad BAD movie in the theater). YELLED at another boyfriend for hours for taking me to see Eyes Wide Shut.
15. Best movie you've ever seen?
"Best" is different than one that I totally love. I adore Clueless but that's not the "best" movie...so ones that I think are very well done...Joy Luck Club...Desperado...Pride & Prejudice...actually V for Vendetta was very well done...
16. Craziest shit you've ever done sober?
Define crazy...i mean, crazy is based on where you are in life at the time. Sober...my friend and I had a system for stealing other people's assignments out of the bins int he computer science hall...now, not a big deal. Back then, EASILY expulsion from the university. Sober...having s*x in public places...which actually the only reason i wouldn't do that now is 'cause i don't want to lose my green card. Sober...speeding like a mofo because i'd rather risk DYING than get my ass kicked by my parents for being late.
17. Ever almost die?
Not that I can recall.
18. Ever fistfight a member of the opposite sex?
fistfight, no, punch, yes.
19. Best place you have ever lived?
Selkirk, Manitoba.
20. Worst place you have ever lived?
Define" worst"...i mean, the OC is wayyy overpriced and that effing sucks. But...hmmm i'd say...Tracy, California....
21. Bad habit you have had for the longest time?
Does being unrefined count as a bad habit? I dunno...staying up late, going to the gym late, and then having serious issues getting up in the morning.
22. Noise that makes you want to punch people?
Norm, i gotta agree with yo...i can't STAND hearing other people eating. AND...when you're in a theater and you hear that slurping of their drinks or the opening of bags...ARHHHGHG open your frickin' bag before the movie starts!!
23. Your favorite tattoo?
I don't have any, and I don't want any anymore. I'm not down with getting them at this point in life (I have no issues if other people do...but i feel like I'm trying to capture my youth or something...let's be real people, I wasn't cool then and getting a tattoo certainly won't make me any cooler now.
24. Least favorite tattoo?
duh.
25. At your poorest, were you a ramen noodle or mac and cheez?
At my poorest I subsisted on Circus Animal Cookies. And i'm not kidding. But if i had to choose...mac and cheese.
26. Most money you have ever spent on a single meal?
A little over $100 at this joint in San Diego awhile ago. There was also this amazingp lace in Ottawa that was a little steep (also over $100) but it closed down. Both times without alcohol.
27. Best gift you ever got?
That's an awful question!
28. Best pet you ever had?
Listen, i love all my pets. I miss Smokey badly. But we all know Marmalade rules my life.
29. Ever run from the cops?
Actually, I did...and this makes me sound SO white trash but I was smoking on a weekend outside of my old high school. I DONT SMOKE...my friend convinced me,and we found an open door to get inside the locked school....and then the cops showed up and we ran like mofos. We didn't get very far...they still took our names down.
30. Money or health?
If it's Cancer + Billionaire vs. Peak Health + Homeless, i'll take money. But if it's like Crappy Health + BIllionaire or Peak Health + Current Money...oh eff that, who are we kidding...money.
Have a great Cinco de Mayo everyone!
- go to post office, mail Syl's package and the CD for Julie, Jen's stuff
- Shop Target: kitty litter, gel blush, airwick
- Contact that Jeff guy about refinancing the Home Equity line of credit
- Get a hold of broker to mail out Life Insurance paperwork
- Go to safe deposit box and get green card paperwork and passport (well...going after work today)
- send mom mother's day card
- wrap Ryan and Nicole's wedding gift (it's huge, i'm not wrapping it...i'm getting Williams Sonoma to do that 'cause heck, that's what you're paying 'em for...although Ryan said he didnt' care if I wrapped it in free Babies R Us wrapping paper which i think would be super funny if i did that) doing that after work today
- deposit that $340 check
And only 'cause I want to waste time...from Norm's myspace thingy (damn i hate myspace...i can't believe they actually have a myspace PHONE for eff's sakes):
1. Worst damage you ever took in a fight?
Black eye, massive bruising in various spots, and almost an effing coronary...
2. Most money you ever owed a utility company?
Probably not much...like $100+?
3. Last time you got kicked out of a bar?
I'm a girl. They don't kick us out of bars.
4. Longest time you slept in a car?
Oh geezus I've slept HOURS in a car...all the time. The average is like 3 hours. Probably the max...i dunno, 4-5 hours?
5. Most messed up nickname you've ever been given?
Libby. Don't ask.
6. Worst job you ever had?
Let's see, i've had like 27 jobs in 19 years...and the worst was for the first company I worked for in the Bay area. Yeah you heard me. Working for a tech company made me cry EVERY day and i've worked at McDonald's...I've done housekeeping and yardwork...but that one company was so awful and I couldn't quit for one whole year.
Second worst: Travelodge. Yeah the hotel. To top it off I was dating a coworker (I went through a phase where no matter what the job, i dated or slept with my coworker..wtf. Recommendation: don't sleep with a coworker if you require a uniform as part of yuor job...total libido killer) but since we had alternate shifts the only time we could see each other was after 11pm. You know what you do after 11pm when you both live with your parents? Not much. The kicker was when he took a vacation day on Canada Day and then *I* had to work his stupid shift as a result!
7. Shortest job you've ever had?
I've had a few jobs that were around 2-3 months.
8. Longest romantic relationship?
I've beeen with Kraig since March 2, 2001...but i guess pre-marriage it would be almost 4 years with someone else (I was only with kraig like 1.5 years before he proposed)....
9. Shortest romantic relationship?
Well geezus let's see...3 minutes making out with someone in a bar during a song? I mean, define "romantic"...okay where you actually know the person's name?...sorry Bryan...1 week in Grade 8...lol.
10. Food that you would eat til you puked?
POUTINE!!! But since I can't get that in the US...hmmm...pizza I guess...or Indian (because it's not authentic if you don't eat 10 servings of indian like the Aunties would make you do...)..
11. Food that even looking at makes you puke?
Anything with pesto and/or goat cheese. I got food poisoning off (ironically) some California Pizza somewhere in Ottawa and that's what came up...gughgh.
12. What music saved your life?
Alot of Madonna...i know, retarded, but she's been around my entire life and has had enough phases to cover EVERYTHING.
You know what else is good? Effing Britney Spears' STRONGER song. That came up around the time Adam and I broke up...to this day it can inspire me through ANY workout.
13. Person you miss the most in the world?
ALL my friends in Canada. Lately I've really really been missing Christine, but seriously pretty much all of them. It's like getting your roots cut off. Ha...ROOTS...get it...okay probably not.
14. Worst movie you've ever seen?
That effing train movie with Wesley Snipes. I walked out, went to watch Indecent Proposal for like half an hour, came back to tell my friends about it, and had almost the entire theater listening to my plot synopsis of the OTHER movie instead of watching the one we actually paid to see.
Otherwise...i think i either fell asleep or walked out of Fear and Loathing in Las VEgas...blegh. Got X-rated with aforementioned Travelodge Boyfriend during that crappy Alicia Silverstone one (Excess Baggage) (tips to guys: want to get play from your woman? Take her to see a horrible movie. A blowjob is STILL better than watching a bad, bad BAD movie in the theater). YELLED at another boyfriend for hours for taking me to see Eyes Wide Shut.
15. Best movie you've ever seen?
"Best" is different than one that I totally love. I adore Clueless but that's not the "best" movie...so ones that I think are very well done...Joy Luck Club...Desperado...Pride & Prejudice...actually V for Vendetta was very well done...
16. Craziest shit you've ever done sober?
Define crazy...i mean, crazy is based on where you are in life at the time. Sober...my friend and I had a system for stealing other people's assignments out of the bins int he computer science hall...now, not a big deal. Back then, EASILY expulsion from the university. Sober...having s*x in public places...which actually the only reason i wouldn't do that now is 'cause i don't want to lose my green card. Sober...speeding like a mofo because i'd rather risk DYING than get my ass kicked by my parents for being late.
17. Ever almost die?
Not that I can recall.
18. Ever fistfight a member of the opposite sex?
fistfight, no, punch, yes.
19. Best place you have ever lived?
Selkirk, Manitoba.
20. Worst place you have ever lived?
Define" worst"...i mean, the OC is wayyy overpriced and that effing sucks. But...hmmm i'd say...Tracy, California....
21. Bad habit you have had for the longest time?
Does being unrefined count as a bad habit? I dunno...staying up late, going to the gym late, and then having serious issues getting up in the morning.
22. Noise that makes you want to punch people?
Norm, i gotta agree with yo...i can't STAND hearing other people eating. AND...when you're in a theater and you hear that slurping of their drinks or the opening of bags...ARHHHGHG open your frickin' bag before the movie starts!!
23. Your favorite tattoo?
I don't have any, and I don't want any anymore. I'm not down with getting them at this point in life (I have no issues if other people do...but i feel like I'm trying to capture my youth or something...let's be real people, I wasn't cool then and getting a tattoo certainly won't make me any cooler now.
24. Least favorite tattoo?
duh.
25. At your poorest, were you a ramen noodle or mac and cheez?
At my poorest I subsisted on Circus Animal Cookies. And i'm not kidding. But if i had to choose...mac and cheese.
26. Most money you have ever spent on a single meal?
A little over $100 at this joint in San Diego awhile ago. There was also this amazingp lace in Ottawa that was a little steep (also over $100) but it closed down. Both times without alcohol.
27. Best gift you ever got?
That's an awful question!
28. Best pet you ever had?
Listen, i love all my pets. I miss Smokey badly. But we all know Marmalade rules my life.
29. Ever run from the cops?
Actually, I did...and this makes me sound SO white trash but I was smoking on a weekend outside of my old high school. I DONT SMOKE...my friend convinced me,and we found an open door to get inside the locked school....and then the cops showed up and we ran like mofos. We didn't get very far...they still took our names down.
30. Money or health?
If it's Cancer + Billionaire vs. Peak Health + Homeless, i'll take money. But if it's like Crappy Health + BIllionaire or Peak Health + Current Money...oh eff that, who are we kidding...money.
Have a great Cinco de Mayo everyone!
Thursday, May 04, 2006
Mmm. Phloem. Phood.
To support the cause: Take Back Your Time
So today I made a list of places that I usually go to eat lunch at work and it's almost disturbing that this list is only like 25% of the places we normally go:
Thai: this thai place on Muirlands over by the Albertsons...(Thai Taste or something like that)
Exotic and different: there's this afghani/persian buffet on Lake Forest/Muirlands (Ariana Grill)...
Upscale Italian: Dolce Vita on Lake Forest
Ghetto Italian: Peppino's off lake forest and that street by the 5
Overprice exotic: Inka's peruvian by Peppino's
Sandwich/salad stuff: Jackson Barne over by the 24 Fitness by the spectrum
Mexican: Baja Fish Taco http://bajafishtacos.net/ (over by Best Buy in lake forest)
American + slightly longer lunch: BJs on El Toro
American and slightly quicker: Red Robin at the spectrum
When no one can decide and we're cheap: Food Court at the Spectrum
When most want Mexican but the rest of us don't and we're being cheap:
the food area on Irvine Center Drive towards San Canyon
Indian buffet: India Cook House on Culver and the 5 And lastly...
When in doubt: Daphne's over by Jeffrey and Alton (there's also a pizza place there)....
I realize that I set myself up for massive stalking but..well...like i said this is only 25% of the list and heck, i would invite said stalker to lunch if he/she actually finds me.
So today I made a list of places that I usually go to eat lunch at work and it's almost disturbing that this list is only like 25% of the places we normally go:
Thai: this thai place on Muirlands over by the Albertsons...(Thai Taste or something like that)
Exotic and different: there's this afghani/persian buffet on Lake Forest/Muirlands (Ariana Grill)...
Upscale Italian: Dolce Vita on Lake Forest
Ghetto Italian: Peppino's off lake forest and that street by the 5
Overprice exotic: Inka's peruvian by Peppino's
Sandwich/salad stuff: Jackson Barne over by the 24 Fitness by the spectrum
Mexican: Baja Fish Taco http://bajafishtacos.net/ (over by Best Buy in lake forest)
American + slightly longer lunch: BJs on El Toro
American and slightly quicker: Red Robin at the spectrum
When no one can decide and we're cheap: Food Court at the Spectrum
When most want Mexican but the rest of us don't and we're being cheap:
the food area on Irvine Center Drive towards San Canyon
Indian buffet: India Cook House on Culver and the 5 And lastly...
When in doubt: Daphne's over by Jeffrey and Alton (there's also a pizza place there)....
I realize that I set myself up for massive stalking but..well...like i said this is only 25% of the list and heck, i would invite said stalker to lunch if he/she actually finds me.
Tuesday, May 02, 2006
Brokeba--err...Camelback Mountain
This past weekend I went to Arizona with Carrie to visit her friend Julie (a little road trip if you will).
Mother Nature is a perverted old lady in AZ:
Carrie asked if I would be cool if we did this Camelback Mountain hike before we headed back to Orange County. I'm like "yeah, sure, no prob".
Then that weekend I start to get nervous...anyone who knows Carrie knows she's like...Dances with Wolves when it comes to nature. She hikes like a mofo. I used to hike quite often, but hey, I also used to be a Calculus pro and you don't see me number crunching integrals anymore either. so I kept asking "are you sure I'll be able to keep up, I don't want to hold you back, yadda yadda".
And she keeps saying "oh, you do cardio, you'll be fine".
Yeah. Fine my ass. Clearly 3x a week of light cardio while reading Cosmo is contributing NOTHING to my muscle growth.
Then the night before I read all sorts of Yahoo Travel Reviews on this hike:
Due to the loose gravel this hike can be dangerous especially on your way down.
Use caution. The climb to the top is not for the weak of heart.
..the hiking trail is quite tough and at places it is challanging
Much of it after the first half-mile gets very steep and rocky. Don't try this if you're a beginner--getting down is much harder than going up.
...but Carrie still insisted that it was doable, that I didn't have to go if i didn't want to but seriously I could probably do it.
Clearly the part of me that thought this was a good idea was also the part of me that used to get a kick out of the things my guy friends built while drunk (like the soda can connected to a wire that we plugged in the wall and then electrocuted ourselves with for FUN...uh while drunk...) when I was in high school.
Anyway.
So at 6:45am on Sunday, we got up and headed out the door. Julie gets a big bottle of water, Carrie has two smaller ones she foolishly thinks she'll be able to carry in her hands the entire time, and i've got this cross-shoulder little backpack thingy.
Note that I spent a good chunk of time convincing Carrie to give me her health card in case something happened up Camelback
So...the hike itself.
How little did we know what we were up against:
It's supposed to be 1.2 miles. That's like nothing, right? I mean, that's a walk to the parking lot. OH HELL NO. Clearly on Camelback they use some bizarre unit of measurement because after like 1 hour we saw the 5/8 mile marker...those Arizonians are f*cked up people.
It starts off steep but there's stairs so we don't think much of it. And then it starts to get REALLY steep. And the gravel is psycho crazy...it was like walking on ice uphill.
THEN...we face this:
Which is a 90degree incline on a perfectly smooth rock. And don't let the bars fool you...you couldn't climb over by the area where the bars were. At this point I'm realizing that people around us have GLOVES on....
Midway up this bastard of a rock section I realize I'm f*cked up the ass. I can't go back down because there's nowhere my feet can go and i can't go up 'cause there's nothing for me to hold on to. Carrie's a bit ahead of me to the side with the same problem. I'm slipping, my heart is pounding, adrenaline is going to make my organs burst out of my body, I'm cursing Carrie (and not under my breath either)...I look down at Julie who's still at the bars with a look of Deer In Headlights which was even WORSE because looking down almost made me pee in my pants (well...in the funky red shorts I borrowed)....
I guess the Rock Climbing Gods must have heard our prayers 'cause this old dude with Spiderman webbing skills popped out of nowhere and pulled me, Carrie, and Julie up that part...if the adrenaline hadn't made me feel like a flimsy noodle I would have thanked him properly...I have no idea how we would have survived that if it wasnt' for him.
So...at that point most normal people would have just said "eff this Camelback crap, Carrie and Julie can shove it up their ass" right? Oh, not me. The abuse wasn't enough for us. For the next few eons we CLIMB (did i mention this was supposedt o be a hike? So why were my knees and hands bruised and bloodied?!) up this effing mountain, i'm swearing, we're covered in dirt, we're realizing that a visor is the best investment we didn't make, and that water bottles are best carried in between your boobs.
FINALLY...we're in the last home stretch. I'm talking 7 minutes.
This was the part:
And I was like "I'm crapping out." I know, you're thinking, 2 hours of hiking up and you crapped out in the last 7 minutes? Trust me, I didn't care. I didn't want to go up and have to go back down. I didn't CARE what the view looked like. All i cared about was that my thighs were pure mush and I wanted to curl up in a ball and wait for the helicopters to get me.
So i empty my backpack except for the digital camera, give it to julie and carrie, and chill out in the beautiful, glorious shade. SHADE mother effers is your best friend in Arizona.
Like the non-nature person I am, I immediately get on my cell phone and start calling/texting people...one guy offered to carry my up the mountain just so I could see the view (uh...no. At this point everyone looked as nasty and sweaty and filthy as I was). Finally this group of 20-something guys and girls come over and totally convince me to do the climb. I'm like "but i've got my stuff, my friend has my backpack" and one guy's all "you can put it in my bag"...
And i gave him a distrusting look to which he said "uh where am I going to run to?" which was a valid point so I gave him my stuff and we trekked up...thank GOD i rested 'cause it was still brutal...midway I see Carrie and Julie, so Carrie being a crazy lady goes and climbs BACK up with me...and finally, we get to teh top.
And the first thing I did was text everyone that I finally made it:
THEN i take in the view. Which was NOt worth it. Seriously. Who's the retarded jackass who climbed this the first time and thought this would be fun? Speaking of, at one point during my many breathing breaks we chatted with this old (and i mean...old...like decrepit old) guy who had been doing this climb/hike for 35 years...and i was like "WHY?!" and he's all "you find yourself addicted after awhile".
Me: "Oh, like crack or heroin? That seems alot easier than this hike"
Him: "well, by the weekend you really start to crave doing this climb"
Me: "Yeah, I would crave heroin by the weekend too. Still seems like ALOT less hassle than this hike".
He also proceeds to show us all his bruises from when he fell during a hike...and i'm all "crack and heroin seem ALOT safer"...
So now you think my story is over, right?
At the top:
OH HELL NO.
Now we had to get DOWN this torture they call fun....and by then it was seriously boiling hot, my muscles were like jello, and we were practically sliding down (I mean, my ass and my arms were totally gettinga workout ont he way down). I truly wanted to DIE. Plus we had long since ran out of water. This super nice guy saw us and offered water...he actually carries extra water to give to other hikers! That dude deserves massive karma points. Anyway by the time we got back to the last stretch with just stairs, i almost fell down....even stairs were too much work for my jello thighs. Someone needs to create a massive slide at the top of that mountain like an airplane emergency system 'cause going down I wanted to shoot myself just as much as going up.
The view back DOWN the mountain
When we got back, I realized that I had left Carrie's health card in the car. Good thing we didn't need a helicopter after all.
I can't remember the last time I feared for my life. i can't remember the last time I had such a serious case of Swamp Ass. I can't remember the last time I was completely miserable for 3 hours straight. I can't remember the last time I didn't want to let a friend down.
It's 2 days later, I can barely walk without looking like someone shoved a rod up my ass...but dang, part of me wonders if maybe...just maybe...i'm stupid enough to do that hike again.
If i ever suggest that out loud, feel free to bitch slap me.
The Summit Trail at Camelback Mountain is considered to be one of the most difficult, extreme trails located within an urban environment in the US. The trailhead elevation starts at 1400 feet and rises to 2750 over 1-1/6 miles. Trails vary from 1/8 mile of railroad tie steps rising several hundred feet, to rough rock faces with rails to assist the hiker at 60 degree inclines. Transition trails are typically loose gravel with small rocks imbedded with many places to stop along the way. There are two canyons along the trail with boulders ranging from 1' to 4', most firmly imbedded, but the loose rocks along the way can present challenges if you aren't careful.
Mother Nature is a perverted old lady in AZ:
Carrie asked if I would be cool if we did this Camelback Mountain hike before we headed back to Orange County. I'm like "yeah, sure, no prob".
Then that weekend I start to get nervous...anyone who knows Carrie knows she's like...Dances with Wolves when it comes to nature. She hikes like a mofo. I used to hike quite often, but hey, I also used to be a Calculus pro and you don't see me number crunching integrals anymore either. so I kept asking "are you sure I'll be able to keep up, I don't want to hold you back, yadda yadda".
And she keeps saying "oh, you do cardio, you'll be fine".
Yeah. Fine my ass. Clearly 3x a week of light cardio while reading Cosmo is contributing NOTHING to my muscle growth.
Then the night before I read all sorts of Yahoo Travel Reviews on this hike:
Due to the loose gravel this hike can be dangerous especially on your way down.
Use caution. The climb to the top is not for the weak of heart.
..the hiking trail is quite tough and at places it is challanging
Much of it after the first half-mile gets very steep and rocky. Don't try this if you're a beginner--getting down is much harder than going up.
...but Carrie still insisted that it was doable, that I didn't have to go if i didn't want to but seriously I could probably do it.
Clearly the part of me that thought this was a good idea was also the part of me that used to get a kick out of the things my guy friends built while drunk (like the soda can connected to a wire that we plugged in the wall and then electrocuted ourselves with for FUN...uh while drunk...) when I was in high school.
Anyway.
So at 6:45am on Sunday, we got up and headed out the door. Julie gets a big bottle of water, Carrie has two smaller ones she foolishly thinks she'll be able to carry in her hands the entire time, and i've got this cross-shoulder little backpack thingy.
Note that I spent a good chunk of time convincing Carrie to give me her health card in case something happened up Camelback
So...the hike itself.
How little did we know what we were up against:
It's supposed to be 1.2 miles. That's like nothing, right? I mean, that's a walk to the parking lot. OH HELL NO. Clearly on Camelback they use some bizarre unit of measurement because after like 1 hour we saw the 5/8 mile marker...those Arizonians are f*cked up people.
It starts off steep but there's stairs so we don't think much of it. And then it starts to get REALLY steep. And the gravel is psycho crazy...it was like walking on ice uphill.
THEN...we face this:
Which is a 90degree incline on a perfectly smooth rock. And don't let the bars fool you...you couldn't climb over by the area where the bars were. At this point I'm realizing that people around us have GLOVES on....
Midway up this bastard of a rock section I realize I'm f*cked up the ass. I can't go back down because there's nowhere my feet can go and i can't go up 'cause there's nothing for me to hold on to. Carrie's a bit ahead of me to the side with the same problem. I'm slipping, my heart is pounding, adrenaline is going to make my organs burst out of my body, I'm cursing Carrie (and not under my breath either)...I look down at Julie who's still at the bars with a look of Deer In Headlights which was even WORSE because looking down almost made me pee in my pants (well...in the funky red shorts I borrowed)....
I guess the Rock Climbing Gods must have heard our prayers 'cause this old dude with Spiderman webbing skills popped out of nowhere and pulled me, Carrie, and Julie up that part...if the adrenaline hadn't made me feel like a flimsy noodle I would have thanked him properly...I have no idea how we would have survived that if it wasnt' for him.
So...at that point most normal people would have just said "eff this Camelback crap, Carrie and Julie can shove it up their ass" right? Oh, not me. The abuse wasn't enough for us. For the next few eons we CLIMB (did i mention this was supposedt o be a hike? So why were my knees and hands bruised and bloodied?!) up this effing mountain, i'm swearing, we're covered in dirt, we're realizing that a visor is the best investment we didn't make, and that water bottles are best carried in between your boobs.
FINALLY...we're in the last home stretch. I'm talking 7 minutes.
This was the part:
And I was like "I'm crapping out." I know, you're thinking, 2 hours of hiking up and you crapped out in the last 7 minutes? Trust me, I didn't care. I didn't want to go up and have to go back down. I didn't CARE what the view looked like. All i cared about was that my thighs were pure mush and I wanted to curl up in a ball and wait for the helicopters to get me.
So i empty my backpack except for the digital camera, give it to julie and carrie, and chill out in the beautiful, glorious shade. SHADE mother effers is your best friend in Arizona.
Like the non-nature person I am, I immediately get on my cell phone and start calling/texting people...one guy offered to carry my up the mountain just so I could see the view (uh...no. At this point everyone looked as nasty and sweaty and filthy as I was). Finally this group of 20-something guys and girls come over and totally convince me to do the climb. I'm like "but i've got my stuff, my friend has my backpack" and one guy's all "you can put it in my bag"...
And i gave him a distrusting look to which he said "uh where am I going to run to?" which was a valid point so I gave him my stuff and we trekked up...thank GOD i rested 'cause it was still brutal...midway I see Carrie and Julie, so Carrie being a crazy lady goes and climbs BACK up with me...and finally, we get to teh top.
And the first thing I did was text everyone that I finally made it:
THEN i take in the view. Which was NOt worth it. Seriously. Who's the retarded jackass who climbed this the first time and thought this would be fun? Speaking of, at one point during my many breathing breaks we chatted with this old (and i mean...old...like decrepit old) guy who had been doing this climb/hike for 35 years...and i was like "WHY?!" and he's all "you find yourself addicted after awhile".
Me: "Oh, like crack or heroin? That seems alot easier than this hike"
Him: "well, by the weekend you really start to crave doing this climb"
Me: "Yeah, I would crave heroin by the weekend too. Still seems like ALOT less hassle than this hike".
He also proceeds to show us all his bruises from when he fell during a hike...and i'm all "crack and heroin seem ALOT safer"...
So now you think my story is over, right?
At the top:
OH HELL NO.
Now we had to get DOWN this torture they call fun....and by then it was seriously boiling hot, my muscles were like jello, and we were practically sliding down (I mean, my ass and my arms were totally gettinga workout ont he way down). I truly wanted to DIE. Plus we had long since ran out of water. This super nice guy saw us and offered water...he actually carries extra water to give to other hikers! That dude deserves massive karma points. Anyway by the time we got back to the last stretch with just stairs, i almost fell down....even stairs were too much work for my jello thighs. Someone needs to create a massive slide at the top of that mountain like an airplane emergency system 'cause going down I wanted to shoot myself just as much as going up.
The view back DOWN the mountain
When we got back, I realized that I had left Carrie's health card in the car. Good thing we didn't need a helicopter after all.
I can't remember the last time I feared for my life. i can't remember the last time I had such a serious case of Swamp Ass. I can't remember the last time I was completely miserable for 3 hours straight. I can't remember the last time I didn't want to let a friend down.
It's 2 days later, I can barely walk without looking like someone shoved a rod up my ass...but dang, part of me wonders if maybe...just maybe...i'm stupid enough to do that hike again.
If i ever suggest that out loud, feel free to bitch slap me.
The Summit Trail at Camelback Mountain is considered to be one of the most difficult, extreme trails located within an urban environment in the US. The trailhead elevation starts at 1400 feet and rises to 2750 over 1-1/6 miles. Trails vary from 1/8 mile of railroad tie steps rising several hundred feet, to rough rock faces with rails to assist the hiker at 60 degree inclines. Transition trails are typically loose gravel with small rocks imbedded with many places to stop along the way. There are two canyons along the trail with boulders ranging from 1' to 4', most firmly imbedded, but the loose rocks along the way can present challenges if you aren't careful.
I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?
So I have to post about the crazy ass hike up Camelback mountain but I just have to get this out of the way...
My big To-Do list for this week (in no particular order):
So speaking of my green card...I'm officially permanent! Okay I guess pseudo-permanent...it's not officially done until I get that green card in the mail (which they said takes 6 months and I shouldn't leave the country during that time, yadda yadda the usual)...but they approved my permanent status and all I need is to go in and get a new card!
WOO HOOOOOOO!!!!
I'm so sick of immigration it's crazy (and FYI: I get super annoyed when they say "the day without immigrants"...it's "the day without illegal immigrants", there's a difference!! I didn't break the effing law and i've dedicated a boatload of cash and time and heartache into all of this!)...but fortunately this is the last step before US citizenship.
LOL this also means that I can divorce Kraig now :P
In order to avoid the usual questions:
1. No, simply marrying a US citizen does not automatically entitle you to a green card. You still have to get "permission" and if they don't think you've dotted your "i's" well enough, they can reject your application and deport you back.
2. No, I'm not a US citizen. I can't vote, I can't get a US passport, I can't become president. BUT..unlike when I was on a visa...I can apply for medicaire, unemployment, stuff that my tax money was funding but I was never eligible for.
3. When you get your green card through marriage, it's a "conditional" green card...meaning you have to stay married and prove you're legit for 2 years after the initial application (this is key...i'm coming up on my 3rd year of marriage but that means nothing, it's all based on when they decided to file your paperwork).
After 2 years, you apply to remove the "conditional" sentencing by providing every document under the planet from utility bills to home purchase paperwork to tax filings....
4. I'll feel a whole lot better when I get my green card in the mail in 6 months.
5. No, the green card is not green.
Effing right I'm going to wear my Canadian Girls Kick Ass tank top when I go to the bureau in 2 weeks :)
My big To-Do list for this week (in no particular order):
- go to post office, mail Syl's package and the CD for Julie, Jen's stuff
- burn Nat's wedding onto CD for Nat and Nik, mail to both of them
- Shop Target: kitty litter, gel blush, airwick
- Contact that Jeff guy about refinancing the Home Equity line of credit
- Get a hold of broker to mail out Life Insurance paperwork
- Go to safe deposit box and get green card paperwork and passport
- Get new green card photos taken
- send mom and mother in law Mother's Day cards
- wrap Ryan and Nicole's wedding gift (it's huge, i'm not wrapping it...i'm getting Williams Sonoma to do that 'cause heck, that's what you're paying 'em for...although Ryan said he didnt' care if I wrapped it in free Babies R Us wrapping paper which i think would be super funny if i did that)
- Speaking of Ryan and Nicole...get a hold of their friend Candace for our surprise joke gift to them
- deposit that $340 check
So speaking of my green card...I'm officially permanent! Okay I guess pseudo-permanent...it's not officially done until I get that green card in the mail (which they said takes 6 months and I shouldn't leave the country during that time, yadda yadda the usual)...but they approved my permanent status and all I need is to go in and get a new card!
WOO HOOOOOOO!!!!
I'm so sick of immigration it's crazy (and FYI: I get super annoyed when they say "the day without immigrants"...it's "the day without illegal immigrants", there's a difference!! I didn't break the effing law and i've dedicated a boatload of cash and time and heartache into all of this!)...but fortunately this is the last step before US citizenship.
LOL this also means that I can divorce Kraig now :P
In order to avoid the usual questions:
1. No, simply marrying a US citizen does not automatically entitle you to a green card. You still have to get "permission" and if they don't think you've dotted your "i's" well enough, they can reject your application and deport you back.
2. No, I'm not a US citizen. I can't vote, I can't get a US passport, I can't become president. BUT..unlike when I was on a visa...I can apply for medicaire, unemployment, stuff that my tax money was funding but I was never eligible for.
3. When you get your green card through marriage, it's a "conditional" green card...meaning you have to stay married and prove you're legit for 2 years after the initial application (this is key...i'm coming up on my 3rd year of marriage but that means nothing, it's all based on when they decided to file your paperwork).
After 2 years, you apply to remove the "conditional" sentencing by providing every document under the planet from utility bills to home purchase paperwork to tax filings....
4. I'll feel a whole lot better when I get my green card in the mail in 6 months.
5. No, the green card is not green.
Effing right I'm going to wear my Canadian Girls Kick Ass tank top when I go to the bureau in 2 weeks :)
Friday, April 28, 2006
Thursday, April 27, 2006
Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
Another reason to maybe not get married: When i t pays to stay single
It pays to stay single when you're at a bar and a hot guy/girl comes up to you, that's when it pays...
A few laughs for you...
Not Quite Perfect McDonald's
This is awesome:
"We had a warehouse full of meat patties made in the shape of our golden arch logo. A quickly fired executive thought it would be a good idea to make an 'M'-shaped burger but it was expensive to produce, and depending where you took a bite, you had a very good chance of getting no beef."
My Anti Drug is Alcohol
Guy in Philosophy Class needs to shut the fuck up
(OMG so true...there is NOTHING that I hate more than people who go around spouting off their philosophical crappy ideas to people. You know what? Shut your mouth because your philosophical view on life isn't going to pay my bills, isn't going to get me through traffic, isn't going to make sure i keep my job. You know what will? Just getting my stuff done. It makes no difference what my ATTITUDE is...as long as the mortgage is paid, my lender doesnt' give a crap about that stuff. And neither do I. Okay well sometimes i prefer to have a better attitude, but that's from personal experience...not because someone gave me some dude's opinion on how to deal with life. No one knows better how to deal with MY life than ME...suck it)
New Prescription-Only Sandwich Extra Delicious
Last Week's ALien Loves Predator comic strip
heh heh..."One renegade robot cop"....
Oh yeah, About thse Personal Ads? WTF?
Orgasm Notice - 3 Days to Pay or Quit
I swear, rules #1, 2, and 3 are all brilliant.
Craigslist Haiku
Nuff said.
I love Craigslist so much I thanked it in my wedding speech. Team Craigslist!
On to more randomness...
I've decided on May 9th I need to support my boy Nick Lachey by buying his album. Someone needs to help him pay his legal bills against Jessica. ANd his Gold's Gym membership. And his gas to all those interviews where he rants and cries about how he didn't know his marriage was over until he was told told it was over...gas in LA is probably even higher than it is in the OC...my poor poor Nick.
And FINALLY...
Nicole D came up with a fabulous new product idea that I don't think she even realized would be a big seller...I won't give it away but let's just say: vibrating, warmth, feet. Exactly.
It pays to stay single when you're at a bar and a hot guy/girl comes up to you, that's when it pays...
A few laughs for you...
Not Quite Perfect McDonald's
This is awesome:
"We had a warehouse full of meat patties made in the shape of our golden arch logo. A quickly fired executive thought it would be a good idea to make an 'M'-shaped burger but it was expensive to produce, and depending where you took a bite, you had a very good chance of getting no beef."
My Anti Drug is Alcohol
Guy in Philosophy Class needs to shut the fuck up
(OMG so true...there is NOTHING that I hate more than people who go around spouting off their philosophical crappy ideas to people. You know what? Shut your mouth because your philosophical view on life isn't going to pay my bills, isn't going to get me through traffic, isn't going to make sure i keep my job. You know what will? Just getting my stuff done. It makes no difference what my ATTITUDE is...as long as the mortgage is paid, my lender doesnt' give a crap about that stuff. And neither do I. Okay well sometimes i prefer to have a better attitude, but that's from personal experience...not because someone gave me some dude's opinion on how to deal with life. No one knows better how to deal with MY life than ME...suck it)
New Prescription-Only Sandwich Extra Delicious
Last Week's ALien Loves Predator comic strip
heh heh..."One renegade robot cop"....
Oh yeah, About thse Personal Ads? WTF?
Orgasm Notice - 3 Days to Pay or Quit
I swear, rules #1, 2, and 3 are all brilliant.
Craigslist Haiku
Nuff said.
I love Craigslist so much I thanked it in my wedding speech. Team Craigslist!
On to more randomness...
I've decided on May 9th I need to support my boy Nick Lachey by buying his album. Someone needs to help him pay his legal bills against Jessica. ANd his Gold's Gym membership. And his gas to all those interviews where he rants and cries about how he didn't know his marriage was over until he was told told it was over...gas in LA is probably even higher than it is in the OC...my poor poor Nick.
And FINALLY...
Nicole D came up with a fabulous new product idea that I don't think she even realized would be a big seller...I won't give it away but let's just say: vibrating, warmth, feet. Exactly.
Okay Yahoo, you're in my good books again...
Free PC-to-phone calls
for Yahoo! Mail Plus users
It’s our way of saying “thanks”
for using Yahoo!
It also gives you a chance to see (and hear) how great our new Yahoo! Phone Out service is. Now you can use your PC to call regular and mobile phones around the world for super-low rates. How low? Call anywhere in the U.S. (and in more than 30 other countries) for 2¢ or less per minute.
To get you started, we're giving you your first dollar free. With these ridiculously low rates, that can mean 100 free minutes. If you're calling somewhere in the U.S. and many other places, it's 50 free minutes.
It's only 1 cent per minute to call Canada...that's pretty effing amazing.
for Yahoo! Mail Plus users
It’s our way of saying “thanks”
for using Yahoo!
It also gives you a chance to see (and hear) how great our new Yahoo! Phone Out service is. Now you can use your PC to call regular and mobile phones around the world for super-low rates. How low? Call anywhere in the U.S. (and in more than 30 other countries) for 2¢ or less per minute.
To get you started, we're giving you your first dollar free. With these ridiculously low rates, that can mean 100 free minutes. If you're calling somewhere in the U.S. and many other places, it's 50 free minutes.
It's only 1 cent per minute to call Canada...that's pretty effing amazing.
For shame yahoo!
So I came up with a website idea, and since I'm clearly too lazy to actually make Kraig's website (even though I pay for the domain name each month) I figured I'd maybe look into my other idea...
So i go to Yahoo just to see what domain names are available...and when I typed in my idea, THIS is the alternative it suggested:
LazyWifeFucking
WHAT?! You'd think Yahoo Business would steer clear of actually OFFERING up names like that!
(FYI: i was just looking for something with the word "wife" in the title, but certainly NOT sex related!)
So i go to Yahoo just to see what domain names are available...and when I typed in my idea, THIS is the alternative it suggested:
LazyWifeFucking
WHAT?! You'd think Yahoo Business would steer clear of actually OFFERING up names like that!
(FYI: i was just looking for something with the word "wife" in the title, but certainly NOT sex related!)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)