Brokeba--err...Camelback Mountain

This past weekend I went to Arizona with Carrie to visit her friend Julie (a little road trip if you will).
Mother Nature is a perverted old lady in AZ:


Carrie asked if I would be cool if we did this Camelback Mountain hike before we headed back to Orange County. I'm like "yeah, sure, no prob".

Then that weekend I start to get nervous...anyone who knows Carrie knows she's like...Dances with Wolves when it comes to nature. She hikes like a mofo. I used to hike quite often, but hey, I also used to be a Calculus pro and you don't see me number crunching integrals anymore either. so I kept asking "are you sure I'll be able to keep up, I don't want to hold you back, yadda yadda".

And she keeps saying "oh, you do cardio, you'll be fine".

Yeah. Fine my ass. Clearly 3x a week of light cardio while reading Cosmo is contributing NOTHING to my muscle growth.

Then the night before I read all sorts of Yahoo Travel Reviews on this hike:
Due to the loose gravel this hike can be dangerous especially on your way down.
Use caution. The climb to the top is not for the weak of heart.
..the hiking trail is quite tough and at places it is challanging
Much of it after the first half-mile gets very steep and rocky. Don't try this if you're a beginner--getting down is much harder than going up.

...but Carrie still insisted that it was doable, that I didn't have to go if i didn't want to but seriously I could probably do it.

Clearly the part of me that thought this was a good idea was also the part of me that used to get a kick out of the things my guy friends built while drunk (like the soda can connected to a wire that we plugged in the wall and then electrocuted ourselves with for FUN...uh while drunk...) when I was in high school.

Anyway.

So at 6:45am on Sunday, we got up and headed out the door. Julie gets a big bottle of water, Carrie has two smaller ones she foolishly thinks she'll be able to carry in her hands the entire time, and i've got this cross-shoulder little backpack thingy.

Note that I spent a good chunk of time convincing Carrie to give me her health card in case something happened up Camelback

So...the hike itself.

How little did we know what we were up against:


It's supposed to be 1.2 miles. That's like nothing, right? I mean, that's a walk to the parking lot. OH HELL NO. Clearly on Camelback they use some bizarre unit of measurement because after like 1 hour we saw the 5/8 mile marker...those Arizonians are f*cked up people.

It starts off steep but there's stairs so we don't think much of it. And then it starts to get REALLY steep. And the gravel is psycho crazy...it was like walking on ice uphill.

THEN...we face this:


Which is a 90degree incline on a perfectly smooth rock. And don't let the bars fool you...you couldn't climb over by the area where the bars were. At this point I'm realizing that people around us have GLOVES on....

Midway up this bastard of a rock section I realize I'm f*cked up the ass. I can't go back down because there's nowhere my feet can go and i can't go up 'cause there's nothing for me to hold on to. Carrie's a bit ahead of me to the side with the same problem. I'm slipping, my heart is pounding, adrenaline is going to make my organs burst out of my body, I'm cursing Carrie (and not under my breath either)...I look down at Julie who's still at the bars with a look of Deer In Headlights which was even WORSE because looking down almost made me pee in my pants (well...in the funky red shorts I borrowed)....

I guess the Rock Climbing Gods must have heard our prayers 'cause this old dude with Spiderman webbing skills popped out of nowhere and pulled me, Carrie, and Julie up that part...if the adrenaline hadn't made me feel like a flimsy noodle I would have thanked him properly...I have no idea how we would have survived that if it wasnt' for him.

So...at that point most normal people would have just said "eff this Camelback crap, Carrie and Julie can shove it up their ass" right? Oh, not me. The abuse wasn't enough for us. For the next few eons we CLIMB (did i mention this was supposedt o be a hike? So why were my knees and hands bruised and bloodied?!) up this effing mountain, i'm swearing, we're covered in dirt, we're realizing that a visor is the best investment we didn't make, and that water bottles are best carried in between your boobs.

FINALLY...we're in the last home stretch. I'm talking 7 minutes.

This was the part:


And I was like "I'm crapping out." I know, you're thinking, 2 hours of hiking up and you crapped out in the last 7 minutes? Trust me, I didn't care. I didn't want to go up and have to go back down. I didn't CARE what the view looked like. All i cared about was that my thighs were pure mush and I wanted to curl up in a ball and wait for the helicopters to get me.

So i empty my backpack except for the digital camera, give it to julie and carrie, and chill out in the beautiful, glorious shade. SHADE mother effers is your best friend in Arizona.

Like the non-nature person I am, I immediately get on my cell phone and start calling/texting people...one guy offered to carry my up the mountain just so I could see the view (uh...no. At this point everyone looked as nasty and sweaty and filthy as I was). Finally this group of 20-something guys and girls come over and totally convince me to do the climb. I'm like "but i've got my stuff, my friend has my backpack" and one guy's all "you can put it in my bag"...

And i gave him a distrusting look to which he said "uh where am I going to run to?" which was a valid point so I gave him my stuff and we trekked up...thank GOD i rested 'cause it was still brutal...midway I see Carrie and Julie, so Carrie being a crazy lady goes and climbs BACK up with me...and finally, we get to teh top.

And the first thing I did was text everyone that I finally made it:


THEN i take in the view. Which was NOt worth it. Seriously. Who's the retarded jackass who climbed this the first time and thought this would be fun? Speaking of, at one point during my many breathing breaks we chatted with this old (and i mean...old...like decrepit old) guy who had been doing this climb/hike for 35 years...and i was like "WHY?!" and he's all "you find yourself addicted after awhile".
Me: "Oh, like crack or heroin? That seems alot easier than this hike"
Him: "well, by the weekend you really start to crave doing this climb"
Me: "Yeah, I would crave heroin by the weekend too. Still seems like ALOT less hassle than this hike".
He also proceeds to show us all his bruises from when he fell during a hike...and i'm all "crack and heroin seem ALOT safer"...

So now you think my story is over, right?

At the top:


OH HELL NO.

Now we had to get DOWN this torture they call fun....and by then it was seriously boiling hot, my muscles were like jello, and we were practically sliding down (I mean, my ass and my arms were totally gettinga workout ont he way down). I truly wanted to DIE. Plus we had long since ran out of water. This super nice guy saw us and offered water...he actually carries extra water to give to other hikers! That dude deserves massive karma points. Anyway by the time we got back to the last stretch with just stairs, i almost fell down....even stairs were too much work for my jello thighs. Someone needs to create a massive slide at the top of that mountain like an airplane emergency system 'cause going down I wanted to shoot myself just as much as going up.

The view back DOWN the mountain


When we got back, I realized that I had left Carrie's health card in the car. Good thing we didn't need a helicopter after all.

I can't remember the last time I feared for my life. i can't remember the last time I had such a serious case of Swamp Ass. I can't remember the last time I was completely miserable for 3 hours straight. I can't remember the last time I didn't want to let a friend down.

It's 2 days later, I can barely walk without looking like someone shoved a rod up my ass...but dang, part of me wonders if maybe...just maybe...i'm stupid enough to do that hike again.

If i ever suggest that out loud, feel free to bitch slap me.

The Summit Trail at Camelback Mountain is considered to be one of the most difficult, extreme trails located within an urban environment in the US. The trailhead elevation starts at 1400 feet and rises to 2750 over 1-1/6 miles. Trails vary from 1/8 mile of railroad tie steps rising several hundred feet, to rough rock faces with rails to assist the hiker at 60 degree inclines. Transition trails are typically loose gravel with small rocks imbedded with many places to stop along the way. There are two canyons along the trail with boulders ranging from 1' to 4', most firmly imbedded, but the loose rocks along the way can present challenges if you aren't careful.