Movie Review: BEAM ME UP SCOTTY

No spoilers here, unless you're hardcore and don't even watch previews.

Everyone's got a season of Star Trek they like (if you don't...well...what can I say. You probably have

 a life.), mine's always been the old skool cheesy initial series. Captain Kirk being paunchy yet still a ladies/mutants/aliens' man has always been endearing. 

Plus, The Trouble with Tribbles ( full episode here ) was absolutely brilliant.

That being said, I'm not a fan of the movies because it's just plain depressing. Big screen old guys playing characters from their former days of glory doesn't impress me.

Finding out JJ Abrams was doing a prequel of sorts gave me everything I wanted: old skool crew combined with youth. It's a win-win.

The movie's got exactly what you'd expect in terms of action and drama. The usual schpiel of bad guy coming after the crew, bad guy getting the upper hand, then when it seems all hope is lost Kirk saves the day with some bold gutsy move. Did that spoil it? It's not like you didn't know they'd live, since it's a prequel.

I gotta admit, the script is brilliant. I don't care how much CG you toss in a movie, if the script is balls then to me the whole movie just seems like moviemakers bank on general audience stupidity.  The combo of drama vs. comedic timing is effing fantastic. Which is no easy feat for for actors who have to play other actors playing well-known characters. 

The scene stealer is Karl Urban as Bones McCoy.  Perfect swagger, perfect crankiness, perfect deadpan delivery  ("My ex-wife got the planet in the divorce. I have nothing left except my bones."). In fact, he should have his own movie, Bones ER. Then Dr. G

reen and Dr. Carter can show up as sidekicks. Also gotta give props to Simon Pegg as Scotty, except...well...he's Simon Pegg.  Of course he's going to be amazing. In fact...Simon Pegg should make a cameo on Bones ER as a headstrong patient who insists on taking matters in his own hands despite the Doc Bones' orders. Hilarity ensues.

There's a few things that irked me. Like, somewhere between his youth to the future, Spock gets braces. Starfleet must have fantastic healthcare insurance.

And initially I was all "ohhhhhh Chris Pine...dark hair...blue eyes...ohhh"...well by the end of the movie, not so hot. He's got horrific skin (chemical peel please!) and he's got this huge mole near his right ear which I spent most of the movie thinking it was just a remnant from all the fights he gets in. I'm just sayin'....Spock eventually gets braces, I sure hope Cap'n Kirk gets some outpatient skin work done.

I was hoping they'd glow like this...but I got scammed.

So overall...I actually give the movie an A for nostalgia and great writing...but a D for frame-by-frame photoshopping of Spock and Kirk.

For FB readers, original post here (not that it matters, everyone comments in FB anyway):

http://randomthoughtsandgripes.blogspot.com/2009/05/movie-review-beam-me-up-scotty.html

dang - comments

Dang, now that everyone reads my blog from Facebook and leaves comments there, it's like I'm a loser typing this here with no readers :P

(On another note, to add that Tony also is in the same "bucket" as Bryan in the last post, however Tony and I have a mutual hate for people...and since we're both people, the last thing we'd do is hang out alone at night watching a DVD. Maybe at best he'd watch one at home, i'd watch one at home, and then we'd send a text saying "that movie sucked donkey balls" at the end)

Grownup Rulez

Note to Facebook readers: original post is here in case images don't show up and you really give a crap. Which I don't blame you if you don't...i wouldn't.

It's been awhile since I've ranted about life as a grownup, so I figure the latest installment is due. A few more things I now know at 31-turning-32 that I probably didn't think too much about when I was 21-turning-22

1. Life doesn't always follow the rules.
Common sense right? But it's so ingrained in us...get good grades. Go to university. Get a job. Get a spouse. Get a kid or two. Get retirement. Go die.

When things go off-track from that, especially when you've tried so hard to follow the rules within your power, it really throws you for a loop. Is it a disservice to teach your kids the Rules of Life? Or is better to prepare them for anything...regardless of education, marriage, etc? I think of something Christine once wrote...she was writing about a series of crappy things that had happened, and ended it with "so is life".

Indeed. What life is isn't the list of grades/university/job/spouse/kids/retirement/death.

Life is everything surrounding that...DUIs for one whole beer, weekend trips with friends, miscarriages, summer barbecue traditions, learning the political game at work, onset of adult allergies, the inability to be with the one you love for reasons beyond your control, figuring out that your paycheck doesn't pay the rent, medical issues that stop everything else in your life (pay your copays with a credit card or keep ALL receipts when made by cash, those f*ckers will come back saying you didn't pay your copay...uh how else did I get to walk through the door and see the doc?!), juggling family visits, calls to customer service for the billion things that always seem to go wrong (lesson learned: bang on "0" a bunch)....there should be a Checklist of Life that parents should teach their kids before they truly start their life as a grownup on their own. The checklist would be huge, but if you can crank out some of the obvious ones then you'll better equip your offspring so they're not curled in a fetal position crying with their Linus-style blanket.

2. Being an adult carries a tremendous amount of responsibility

Again, you'd think common sense right? Not so much...people think they know this, but they don't. Hell, I'm even guilty of this I know, I know, you thought I was flawless. Retarded behavior once acceptable in your youth doesn't cut it as an adult. I'm not talking about say, getting wasted the night before a final exam.

I'm talking sacrificing an immediate want for a future need. When you realize that you can't have that iPod because rent is due next week. When you're able to remember that you can't go travel with friends because you know your yearly car insurance bill is due to come in any day now and you'll have to live lean for awhile. It's anticipating the future need without it being blatantly in front of you in bill format.

When I had my Sentra, every year around January something major would happen that would cost me $1k-$2k. Still cheaper than buying a new car, but yeah it was a good chunk of money that I had to start anticipating as a result of driving a deathtrap. So as soon as I paid my credit card for that, I would put money away not in a "holy crap i lost my job" emergency fund, but in an "argh, this month x y z things came up and I don't have the cash!" fund.

It's also not a monetary responsibility. There's much more responsibility to those around you. Realizing that you can't be a brat to your mom anymore...she's simply just elderly and old-skool, which may have annoyed you as a kid but as an adult it's now your responsibility to manage the relationship and be the peacemaker. While I'm nowhere the same brat who slammed her bedroom door so often it broke off the hinges, I'm significantly better at dealing with my bizarro mother. It's that when you make a commitment to friends, you honor them. Everything from paying them back for $20 loaned or a ride to the airport yes, one time I accidentally drove to work and by the time I got there received a call from Carrie wondering when I was going to pick her up. STILL feel awful about that to this day. If you borrow something, you give it back as soon as possible in the same condition they gave it to you, even if it means inconveniencing yourself. Being a person of character.

As an adult, you don't have to do the above...but you learn pretty quickly that life works generally much better when you do.

3. Life is unfair

This cliche is used so often, you'd think we'd truly understand this by the time we're 5. In your teens (assuming you haven't had to deal with some earth shattering "grownup" tragedy like death of your parents) it seems more like "But it's not FAIR that i have to work while SoAndSo doesn't have to!" or "Stupid bus! It came and left early! Now I'm going to miss my exam!". Or like the person who was behind you in line for a raffle ticket wins.

It's more along the lines of deciding whether to abort your baby when you receive a prognosis with horrible odds. Deciding if you should continue to be with someone you love even though in return you won't receive what you so desperately crave. Debating whether your beloved pet's condition is severe enough to warrant euthanasia and which decision is the less selfish of the two. What to do when faced with a compulsive gambling spouse who is jeopardizing everything but insists things are under control...do you stay and suffer, do you battle it through and beg for counseling, and even then do you stick around when it gets worse in hopes it'll get better, do you just pack up and bail?

Life is often unfair not because a single event will occur...rather, it's unfair because oftentimes you are faced to choose between two crappy options of the same weight but drastically different consequences.

Sophie's choice.
**side note: I spent forever reading that book, dying to know what her stupid choice was. I should have just rented the movie. I didn't care about the movie, the plot, anything. I just wanted to know the choice. However when I started reading I wasn't sure when the "choice" would be made evident so I didn't just flip to the last page to check, figuring that if the choice came in early in the book it might be worth reading through. Oh, how mistaken I was. By the end of it I was like "really? She just has to pick which of her two kids has to die? Well what the hell that wasn't worth reading this behemoth novel over. She could have just said "I made a crappy choice. I killed my son". Of which, I don't remember which kid she chose now anyway.

4. For the most part, you did create your life

When you're younger, you're stuck going with the flow of whatever your parents/the law/the man make you do. So eventually it's like your teacher shoving you on stage for a school play...rehearsing is fine and all, but uhhh...wow...there's alotta people out there. Looking at you. Everyone...looking...at...you. And it's all on you. No one's reading you your lines. Something on the set might break, you'll have to improvise. Deviate from the original plan. Someone might deliberately try to sabotage you. Someone might screw up. But the choices and decisions made, even if made unprepared on the fly, got you for the most part where you are today.

Find me a CEO of a large, successful organization who just stumbled upon that position.

Granted, the "life is unfair" part can guide a significant part. Having to declare bankruptcy because you got cancer and have thousands of bucks of medical bills...yeah, that's outta your hands. However, a lot of other things ARE within your control. Tree falls on your house? Out of your control. Responsible enough to have double-checked yearly that you have adequate insurance? Within your control. (Although i did see on the news a guy who had a tree fall on his house, insurance covered it, was dropped from his insurance, then another tree landed on it. That would suck donkey balls. So obviously there's a juggle between this item and the unfairness of life.) Losing your job? Might be out of your control. Foresight to save up and cut back on expenses? Within your control. Ties into #2...if you shopped like a mofo all year then don't expect pity when you lose your job and have nothing. You CHOSE that path. At some point when you're a full-on grownup you're capable of stepping back and seeing all the steps YOU took to get to where you are, bad or good.

5. Relationships are not the same as in your youth

Not talking romantic relationships. We're talking friendships here. In your teens and in college, you can be buddies with everyone...no matter their gender. It's all good, 'cause it's not like for the most part anyone's rushing to get married and almost no one IS married. You remain firm in your belief that a guy can "just be friends" with a girl. And then you grow up and realize it's not the same when you're in the next stage of life.

The stage of being a working professional, not a new grad. Of having friends that are married, divorced, co-habitating, on-again-off-again. Having kids, wanting kids, losing kids. Home buying. Not being able to afford to buy. Not buying because of a career decision. This a whole different stage in life, and relationships don't work the same way as in your teens/college years/early 20s.

The first time I realized this was when I got engaged. Suddenly, 90% of all guys I knew fell off the face of the earth. I was always the girl who hung out with the guys. I was the one who tagged along with the guys when they did retarded crap. I studied a program for 4 years with all guys minus ONE girl (thank the lord for Natalie). I went into a male-dominated industry where I'll be in a meeting with 25 guys...and me. Suddenly having a ton of guys mysteriously disappear was very odd for the girl who prided herself on being kind of a guy's girl.

It's not that I was some femme fatale...rather, the nature of the relationships with them was forced to change as a result of my status change. While maybe it was okay to hang out and watch a DVD on the couch with a buddy doing shots, it's not appropriate anymore when you have a significant other. It's okay to go to lunch with guys...but doing a late night dinner at 9? Not so much. Basically daylight sort of impacts what's acceptable when you're in a serious relationship/marriage (or they are).

I guarantee someone's going to argue with me on this, but consider that I'm the smacktalking chick who's not exactly girly-girl in her views on things. I have some married guy friends. I can go to lunch with them...it's public, it's outside, it's daylight...there's a 1-2 hour time limit...basically any level of sexiness is removed. If i were to go to dinner with any of them, their wives would be like "wtf?! Why am i not invited?"...and if they're busy, then that's even weirder...maybe the odd time if there's a one-time reason for it (cant think of any, but obviously there's exceptions to everything), but overall it would just be bizarre to just have dinner with any of my married guy friends if their wives aren't there. We would reschedule for when said wife was available. If i were single, no matter how much their wives trust me, I'm sure there would be at the very least smidgen of worry if I were to just be having dinner while they're not there. It's not so far left thinking to think that things can happen after-hours. Even if you're positive it wouldn't happen...well...things can happen. Things DO happen. Why even risk it?


It's not that you lose your independence. It's that it's not appropriate.

Consider it another way. When you're in high school and you go out, if the boy paid, you definitely knew you were on a date. As an adult, you could go out and the dude could be like "hey it's cool I got it" and you'd still be like "wtf...so is this a date? is it not?". In high school, dating is explicit and clear. Everyone knows who's involved with who, who's off limits. When you're an adult, you learn that you can date multiple people at once, bone different people at once, there's no formal definition to relationships at times. At any given moment I know people who are completely clueless to the nature or seriousness of a relationship with someone of the opposite sex. Short of an explicit friends-with-benefits relationship, there's typically at least one person in a close guy/girl friendship who's wondering if maybe it's something more or wanting more.

Which, to bring it back, is that as you get older no matter how much of a guy's girl you used to be or how you're the sensitive guy who just relates better to chicks, you need to learn to form friendships with people of your own gender. As a dude, don't think for a second your relationship won't change the instant she gets a boyfriend. And for a chick, you think your best buddy's girlfriend...then wife...will be okay with you two constantly doing things one-on-one? Nope. Argue all you want. And then go out in the real world and open your eyes. Your role, your priority, changes.

Plus, it's always odd when you see someone who only has someone of the opposite sex as their friend. I know a chick who only has guy friends. It's pretty clear to everyone but all of them that subconsciously they're just waiting in the wings for their chance with her. (Ladder Theory stuff) Men can't see through the BS of another chick if they're close enough to be friends because that underlying even minute attraction to anything with a vagina creates a filter. Chicks, lacking in even the remote 0.1% chance of anything romantic happening that could occur with a guy friend, can see all. We see when a chick is fake, when they're acting, when they're being friendly in order to get attention from their guy friends, when they're incredibly annoying when they can't flirt their way through a friendship. You see what's wrong with them and why other chicks don't want to be around them...which is usually that girls that only have guy friends feel incredibly threatened by other women.

Meh, this point is pretty disjointed. I'm just saying...relationships that were okay when you were younger are just no longer appropriate when you grow up. Don't kid yourself into thinking the old adage of "guys and girls can just be friends!"...there's strings attached. And the significant other will always, at some point, raise a concern (or have a hissy fit, pick your method).

**Note to the exception: everyone's got an exception or two. I'm not saying to have ZERO friends of the opposite sex if they're single...I'm saying, overall. Like...Bryan...you're the shiz. I trust you 100000% with my life, and you're one of the most faithful friends I've ever had. I'd give you a kidney in a heartbeat. But if I had 4 other guys in my life even remotely like you and our friendship...then that'd be weird. Kraig would, and should, put the kibosh on that. Plus, you don't live here...if we lived nearby and hung out frequently till super late, it would be pretty inappropriate and I would have no desire to cockblock GirlfriendX at those hours or have her kick my ass.

6. When you're an adult, you get tired of yourself quickly

As an adult, any drama in your life just drains, tires, and bores you. You don't even find it interesting, let alone have the desire to tell other people about it. Far cry from when you could tell the same drama story over and over in your early 20s.

I also say this because I realize I've written A LOT, it's riddled with typos, I'm too lazy to edit and cut it down, and I'm tired, so...what I'm saying is right now, I don't even find myself interesting.

So is life!

Updated goals for 2009

Okay, once and for all...gotta update those 2009 goals.

I hate New Year's resolutions, because they're usually not measurable ("i want to lose weight"...uh no, make it a NUMBER) nor is there a decent timeline that provides motivation (who can wait 12 months to do anything?)...

Well all of my 2008 goals were shot to hell, so let's revisit shall we?

May - finish working on a UG that I keep procrastinating on
June - Ebay like a mofo now that I've got the new camera, Canon 790SD get rid of ALL the crap once and for all. Plus badly needed to pay those vet bills.
July - Veg out, relax, and read at least 2 books that *I* want to read (i say 2 because I'm trying to be realistic with schedules and stuff)
August - build up at least 3 of the websites that I bought domain names for (latest one...TeenLifeCrisis.com ...i wanted TeenAngst.com but of course that was taken)
September - Read 2 of the French books I've got

Would it be so bad if my goals read as the following:
May - catch up on 4 months' of DVRed shows (those Desperate Housewives episodes aren't going to watch themselves)
June - see how long it takes of no laundry before I run out of underwear...my bet? 17 days.
July - See if it's possible to do nothing in an entire month other than sleep, eat, go to work. That's ALOTTA sleeping. But I'm up for the challenge.
August - Pour an entire bottle of Olay Regenerist each night on my face in hopes that turning 32 won't display on my epidermis.
September - Catch up on all the DVRed shows missed in July due to excessive sleeping. (Those I’m a Celebrity…Get Me Out of Here episodes aren't going to watch themselves).

I'd write more, but I'm finally caught up on 90210 and tonight's episode is the prom finale. Ahhh...prom...must save that discussion for TeenLifeCrisis.com.

Google gold, errrr, chrome....

I don't see what the big deal is with Google Chrome.

It's actually working a lot faster than Firefox, but maybe because I refuse to add all the extensions and what not. Or maybe I'm not as big of a geek as I thought I was.

It IS pretty cool that it'll keep tabs (haha bad pun) on your most frequently-visited pages and displays them on the home page, but mehhh...not that big of a deal.

On another note, I'm thinking that maybe every time I post something here I should include the link back to it, since most people read this blog now through Facebook.

Movie Review: Wolverine

Yeah, there might be spoilers. Not anything that you can't guess. Like...obviously he doesn't kill Sabretooth since he's in the other movies (at least, from what i remember right?) and this is a prequel.

Let me backtrack and give you the Sabina X-Men History:

I was a teenager when I first heard of X-Men, the kids I used to babysit LOVED the cartoon. And then *I* loved the cartoon. It was the shiz. Note to self: get the DVDs.

Later in University I bought my boyfriend this huge collection of X-Men comics,issues 1-100, in sequence. They were reprints...at the time cost me around $100-$150, which is alotta coin when you're a student blowing $200 each weekend on liquor. Well not all on liquor...I'm pretty sure that after $30 worth of alcohol bartenders would just stiff me my change since it's not like i was going to count it drunk anyway.

Well f*cker boyfriend gave me a snotty reply when I gave him the comics that he had most of the ORIGINALS already. I was like "fine, suck it" and took them back. Read them myself. LOVED them of course.

Later I date/get engaged/marry Kraig, who's a massive comic book affectionado. In fact, if there's a Cigar Affectionado magazine, I wonder if there's a magazine for comic book readers...sorta like Soap Opera Digest. Superman's contract is renewed. All the drama on this week's Avengers! Find out who Lyja makes out with this week!. Enter the world of Comic Con and endless nagging to "...take those frickin' books off the coffee table and put them upstairs because they're just clutter and it's pissing me off".

So...while I'm not an ultra nerd, I can hold my own when it comes to the world of comic books.

Loved the first X-Men movie, minus stupid Halle Barry as Storm. WTF. Oh and Famke Janssen...I already can't stand Jean Grey's character ("oh whoa is me, my mutant powers give me a headache". Professor X needs to toss her some Advils and boot her ass out the door.). WTF is this crap:


The second one I loathed. WTF is that whole Asian invasion nonsense. Getting Kelly Hu to play Deathstrike...that's post-Crouching Tiger, when every movie had to star a hot Asian chick who could kick ass. See also: Michelle Yeoh in Tomorrow Never Dies. And the Charlie's Angels franchise. I really hate when Hollywood uses people as a trend. (See also: funny-lovable-overweight-sassy-teen-boy. I'm looking at you Jonah Hill).
Thus I skipped the 3rd Xmen, i was tired of the whole franchise, tired of seeing the dolls with the new black outfits, just tired of it all.
So what made me come out of hiding for X-Men Origins: Wolverine? Pfft, like you even need to ask:

Yeahhhh...Ryan Reynolds can get me out for a public caning. Those would be tears of joy pouring down my face.
(this is where I apologize to my husband for having to be...well...married to me.)
Now, onto the movie.
There's some chronological issues I have at the beginning, but okay the last thing we'd expect from filmmakers is for their movie to make sense. It seems like it's supposed to take place in the late 70s, which is interesting because no one had a hippie hairdo, long sideburns, or handlebar mustache. No monochromatic or flowered shirts. Apparently in Canada in the 70s, it looks just like 2009. My people are very progressive.

Hugh Jackman is actually pretty brilliant in it, but what do you expect from a guy who's entire career is based on his lucky shot as getting to play Wolverine? Dude needs this franchise to pay for those raw eggs he has to consume to get that body. He had to eat 5000 cals a day as part of the beefing-up plan (or so I hear from TMZ, and Harvey Levin would never steer me wrong).

The story is the usual spiel: boy meets girl, girl gets killed, boy turns renegade and turns his back on society by agreeing to get adamantium shellacked to his bones in order to get revenge, boy realizes he got boned up the ass by agreeing to the aforementioned surgery, boy now really really wants to get revenge. Violence mixed with comedic moments ensue.

If you're looking for entertainment, this movie gets an A+. If you're looking for Ryan Reynolds, this movie gets a C. Deadpool starts off as Van Wilder, ends up like Frankenstein. Sigh.

If you're a Taylor Kitsch fan, yeah you're screwed up the pooch too. Gambit's a minor character in this movie. And i really take exception to his appearance. THIS is how Gambit should look:

Short spiky hair with a strong jaw. WTF is this crap:

That's not Gambit. That's frickin' A Clockwork Orange.

Does this review have a point? Let's summarize:
Entertaining: yes
Ryan Reynolds: barely
Taylor Kitsch: barely
Hugh Jackman: fantastic
Storyline: nothing you didn't already know.
Oh if you do go see it, sit through the entire credits...there's another few mins, but what they show on the east coast is different than what they showed here. Now you know.

IM with my mom

Just a snippet of an IM with my mom today, for your viewing pleasure


Mom (1:32 PM): is it hot down there?
Mom (1:33 PM): do u still have those palm trees? hope so, they add shade on your patio

ME (1:33 PM): yes, we do
ME (1:33 PM): but it's cold

Mom (1:33 PM): lol cold where u r, stop complaining, u grew up in canada
ME (1:34 PM): yep

Mom (1:34 PM): do a lot of bbq actions?

ME (1:34 PM): no

Mom (1:34 PM): why?
Mom (1:35 PM): do u sometimes use that pool?
Mom (1:36 PM): are the rabbits still there?

ME (1:36 PM): too expensive, no, and yes

Mom (1:36 PM): poor babies have to hide from those nasty coyotes
ME (1:38 PM): yep
Mom (1:38 PM): sad something has to die so others can live

Mom (1:39 PM): poor smokey would be long ago turned into a juicy steak for them

Mom (1:40 PM): but here he has a good time, comes and goes as he pleases, poopoo and peepee outside, he prefers that, basking in the sun watching the world go by, stuffing food readily available and right now sleeping at my feet happily dreaming

Mom (1:41 PM): anyway, i live u alone again, c u, going to play trivia till dad comes home
Mom (1:41 PM): oh those trivia questions are general knowledge questions

Mom (1:41 PM): c u

Media Mayhem

Anyone who watches Lost knows why this is absolutely brilliant:


Although I'm 2 weeks behind...tonight after kickball I'm desperate to catch up. Especially knowing that Hurley is working on the Empire Strikes Back script (although how he thinks he's going to contact George Lucas from a f*cked up island is beyond me).

I'm also behind by 1 episode on Gossip Girl, but I'd like to say the following about the next episode:
Dear Nate,
I adore you. Brown hair. Blue eyes. Boyish good looks. Money. Everything a 31 year old homeowner with plummeting equity could want. But just PRETEND you actually really, REALLY want Blair...i want to see passion...i want to see tears...i want to see Charlton Heston-esque fist waving in the air...But in the end, my boy Chuck will win. Why? Because...c'mon Nate, you know why...he's Chuck Bass.


Speaking of media that is inappropriate for my age group, I'm dying to see this movie almost as much as my desire for Star Trek and Wolverine:

It's silly, since they show the entire plot in the YouTube vid, but anyone who doesn't have a horseshoe** up their ass knows that life post-grad is pretty brutal.
(** I know two people with said horseshoe, one of them being an ex-boyfriend who just walked up to ONE booth at the Ottawa U job fair thing, got the job on the spot, and worked his way to financial greatness from there. That f*cker.)

I'd like to reflect back and think that I'm so much further along in life than when I graduated, but I still feel like I'm walking around with the same deer-in-headlights look that Alexis Bledel captures so well. I feel like at all times my expression is nothing more than "dear God please help me through this next minute, I don't know wtf I'm doing".

In my mind, you are truly an adult when you no longer feel like your life is a series of final exams that you haven't studied for.

And finally...thanks to my friend Jessica I got to pretend I'm someone important by getting to wear a pass around my neck to get into the Newport Beach Film Festival. Or at least, one film anyway. Finding Bliss. Starring the girl that no one can stand or finds attractive, Leelee Sobieowski (dayam! I spelled it correct on my own!), Jamie Kennedy, and Denise Richards in yet another role proving she can't act her way out of a paper bag.


The absolute best line of the movie is shown at the 1:39 mark. It was pretty entertaining for a crappy movie, and I actually liked Miss Sobieowski in it. I should give her props...she played a great nerdy girl in one of the few chick flicks I actually like, Never Been Kissed. And I didn't know that ATM meant "ass to mouth", so now I've been schooled.

I love the taste of cardboard in the morning

I decided this morning to dedicate a whole post to the two whole nasty packaged cheese danishes I consumed this morning (why did I eat two? I felt like giving Bon Appetit's Cheese Croissant a second chance after the first one tasted so vile), which led me to do a search for an image of the thing.

Lo and behold, someone else just last week posted a whole review on it:
I am the Generalissimo's review of Bon Appetit's Cheese Croissant

Dude nailed it. Although I hate frosting on anything minus pop tarts, so that part can be ommitted.

I'm not sure I understand why packaged food is THAT different from real food. I can't stand organic crap, and I fully support preservatives, but really...how much crap do you have to pump in a food item to the point where it alters the texture, taste, and appearance just so that it can last in my pantry a whole 3 days longer?

Perhaps the fine people at Bon Appetit should consider that if they pumped their food products with less artificial crap, I'd eat more, which would thus lead me to not keep them around till the expiration date, which would then reduce the need to make their croissants last till 2012.

Isn't there some sort of law that says you can't mislabel something? You can't package water and orange food coloring as "orange juice"...so whatever this is should NOT be allowed to be called a cheese croissant.

HA a quick visit to their website displays a Flash intro saying Fresh 'n sweet, ready to eat, Bon Appetit!

I have to give their product visualization/marketing crew major props, they make this bland piece of cardboard actually look delish:


You've been warned.

Money doesn't grow on trees. Which is good, I can't grow crap.

In case no one got the memo, we're in a recession.

My attitude about all of this, other than freaking out about how much my home has dropped from what I owe (and it's an adjustable-rate loan that has yet to reset...yeah yeah I’m one THOSE people), has been to just chug forth. What else can you do? Don't spend loads of cash (but at the same time, I'm aware that some level of spending is what's necessary...oh you catch-22!), keep your resume up to date, blah blah.

I only half-listen to the news about the economic situation, stuff about Madoff and AIG...in the grand scheme, it doesn't impact me directly. I feel like we're all running a marathon. I'm trying to not let the distractions around me stop me from plowing through. I look around to make sure that nothing is barreling straight at me, but otherwise I'll let the other runners deal with it. And Obama counts as a runner.

But today, I'm officially freaked out. Like, curl-up-in-the-fetal-position-in-the-corner-crying freaked out. I guess I thought how I'm a GenXer, we survived a massive recession a short while ago...we can all do it again. Yeah, except now it's really bad. Like, I could very easily see myself getting a job at the Gap and then busting my ass in hopes that I can become a stupid 3rd Key manager. No wait, I can very easily see myself APPLYING at the Gap, and competing with retarded-ass Orange County kids. Does a store sales award from 1994 give me an edge in an interview?!

I'm even thinking that for once, maybe people SHOULD litter in case it DOES create a job for someone.

I listen to KFI 640am in the mornings...there was a debate over how much it effs everyone over when money is put towards job programs.on one hand, at least people are getting fed, but on the other hand you're expecting everyone else to subsidize failing businesses. Like a company like GM will never go obsolete. If you let it fall completely, then someone's going to take over the assets...and THOSE people will build it back up (instead of the old skool people who are still operating under unions and pensions) and protect the workers ensuring they have work.

Have you ever thought during a really bad rainstorm that’s lasted for days “Okay Mother Nature, I get it. You can stop the rain now. You’ve made your point!” I am officially telling the Economic Zeus Gods “Okay! We got it! Too much credit! Blowing cash we don’t have! Now bring us back to normal!”

Letter to the editor

Not everyone is willing to have sex for money. Even "octomom" is apparently above that, having turned down staring in a porn film for cash. And she certainly does need the cash.

There's two key points here:
1. Obviously this doesn't apply to people who are mentally unstable, and Octomom is clearly a loon. Someone in a straightjacket in a mental ward has no concept of money either. I'm not going to preface all my blogs with "this applies to people of sound mind".
That being said...

2. Ahhh, because that's not her price. YOU think she needs the cash. SHE doesn't. She's turned down a ton of things that the average person would take in a heartbeat. However, if all her children had some illness that only some doctor in Zimbabwe could cure for $2mil, and oh coincidence another dude will bone her for $2mil, I would bet...well not $2Mil....five bucks that she'd do it. Just because we think her lifestyle is pure crap doesn't mean she does, and thus she doesn't think it's worth it.

3. PORN is not the same as getting paid for a night of sex (unfilmed and private). My price for doing Playboy is MUCH higher than a night of sex. In my case, porn would mean i would lose a large number of my friends, any future career, and my family would be humiliated, along with the stalker/unsafe factor that would result. A night of sex doesn't carry the same baggage or consequences (it does carry its own consequences, but not on the same publicity/audience scale). So you're comparing apples and oranges.

I take credit cards, paypal, money orders, and CASH

Thanks to a wisecrack (but oh-so-true) comment from a friend, I've been thinking about how my behavior and values can be changed for money.

I've got no shame in my game: I can be purchased. And anyone who says they can't be is full of sh*t.

If someone offered you a million dollars for sex, would you say no? What if you had tons of medical bills and a sick child who needed specialized treatment? Yeah an hour or two of nakedness would seem like a Godsend.

Plus, if you have a job, then you're a whore for money. Again, if you say no...see if you would do that exact same work even if you didn't get paid (but your bills still magically got paid). If I had no bills, I certainly wouldn't be doing what I'm doing now.

(fyi: for the record, I'm grateful I'm employed. i'm just sayin', if I won the lottery, I wouldn't sit 8 hours a day at a desk)

I recall the day that my friend Erin and I wanted a Snapple from the dude at a highschool sports game who was selling them. He was also selling popcorn from one of those popcorn cart things. There was popcorn EVERYWHERE. We had no money (which is so dumb...I had money. I just didn't have money for Snapple. See the diff?) and begged the guy to let us have the snapple. He was like "hell no".
We begged. We pleaded. Jackass told us "okay, if you eat popcorn off the floor".
We looked down, and saw some popcorn wasn't totally smushed and black from footprints.
Needless to say, we were sold and ate the non-marred popcorn off the floor.
Needless to say, Jackass' jaw dropped.
Needless to say, we were handed a Snapple without a peep.

Would I do that now? Of course not. Popcorn from a vendor has too many calories :P

I'm also certainly not above begging for money. Again, my friend Erin and I in highschool were all about getting a muffin from the cafeteria once a day. I remember exactly how much they cost: 75 cents. When you bought 10 muffins, you got the next one free. So it was also all about filling up this card. So after we ate our lunch, almost every day, we did the trek around the cafeteria and rotunda to try and get 75 cents. You'd think this would be easy, but when you do this daily you can't hit up the same people. And when you live in a bus-centric city, kids aren't so quick to give up their change. I came up with the best strategy: ask for a nickel, a dime, a penny, because no one's going to be THAT cheap and say "sorry, I can't spare anything" when all you want is a NICKEL. Especially if you say "can I BORROW a nickel?" In highschool, when I was a teen, people wanted you to pay up if you owed a dollar. But a nickel? Never. It worked.

I'm not below begging.

If I weren't so freaked out by bugs, I could easily have been a contestant on Fear Factor (I'd lose anything involving physical strength but dang pay me a few grand to just sit in a box and have beetles poured on me). In the grand scheme, I hope that I can be purchased out of any fears. That's because my biggest fear is homelessness, and getting paid to deal with my other fears thus takes care of the biggest fear of all.

Then we have the concept of time vs. money. I was once offered $50 to drink a whole carton of KFC gravy. I actually love KFC gravy, I'll chug that crap over a milkshake any day. My problem was when I did the math of how many calories were in there, and how long it would take on the elliptical to burn it off, it came down to like $15/hour. Which just wasn't worth it to me at that point. I could easily work at In N Out and make that (well...$12 anyway).

The other day I was listening to the radio and some chicks called up saying how they saw an ad on Craigslist for a dude who wanted a chick to show up and kick him in the balls as hard as possible. $250. They went, she kicked him, he handed her the money. Then he said he'd pay again if she'd do that again if he wore his boxers. She said yes. She kicked him. He paid her. Guess what he suggested next? Oh c'mon now, you'll never guess...okay I'll tell you. He then offered more dough if she'd kick him in the balls...bareback. She declined and ran out.

If some creepy dude wanted to pay me FIVE bucks to kick him in the balls I'd do it in a snap. Moron should have just gotten fresh with a chick in a bar, he would have saved a few hundred bucks. Now would I have agreed to kick a dude in the balls if he were naked? No, but I also wouldn't have shown up by myself (she had her friend in the car waiting for her...eff that. I wouldn't go in alone!). But if I could convince a fearless/strong/fighter dude to show up with me for $100, then hellz yeah I would have kicked his wrinkly balls as hard as possible (and then I would slather hand sanitizer all over the tip of my boot) for $250.

Now while I would kick a naked creepy guy in the ballsack for $250, I would NOT eat bacon for $250. I may be a horrible Muslim, but I'm still Muslim enough to not eat pork, and $250 isn't worth it for me to risk the wrath in the Hereafter. yeah. I said it. Hereafter.
However for $20 thousand...yeah I can take my chances. I'm hoping God would understand a filthy dirty animal is worth the consumption if it pays off your car and can get you refinished kitchen cabinets.

Hmmm, I think I need to revisit this concept a bit more...maybe I can get a side gig by doing retarded things for the dough. The hamster in my head is spinning in his wheel....

Most annoying commercial of March 2009

I swear to GOD my brain wants to explode when I see this commercial. Here's all the reasons why this commercial chafes my hide:

1. The way the dude repeats "take your top off". It's so ANNOYING. The intonation, the pitch, his expression, everything about it makes my blood boil from 0 to 100 in no time flat.

2. Their faux-laughing moment. "Ohhh haha I get it, take your STEAM POT off, you silly goose you!"...you can tell the director yelled "ready, set, LAUGH!"

3. WHAT is with that horrible tie-dyed-peace-logo hippie shirt at the beginning? And why is on a guy who's in his 20s? I'm so confused. I don't understand. Did his grandma buy that shirt? Can he only afford Goodwill and Joe's Crab Shack? And is he the waiter? Or do you carry your own steam pot if you have bad attire?

4. Is Joe's Crab Shack like a ride at Universal? Do they take your picture when you get the big food reveal? Is it $8, or 2 for $15?

Why does getting old suck balls?

Just as I've come to terms with the glaring grey hair that I see on the left side of my head when I hunt it down in the mirror, I've been experiencing another human body wonder: Blepharospasm.

Aka, uncontrollable eye twitching. Which leads me to wonder, why anyone would want to control eye twitching. The past 3 days my left eye (linked to the grey hair perhaps? That f*cker is causing me all sorts of problems) keeps twitching, and it's freaking me the eff out.

Apparently it's tied to stress, fatigue, and caffeine.

Well I've reduced my caffeine, so it can't be that. However the catch-22 is that that's of course going to lead to fatigue.

So i'm going to blame it on stress. I'm definitely much more stressed than usual, but not to the extent where my body should start experiencing UNCONTROLLABLE EYE TWITCHING WHAT THE EFF!

Should go away in a week. Allegedly. According to the internet. Why doesn't the internet come with a guarantee of credibility?! Gahhhhh!

Grey matter keeps on churnin'

As much as I hate to admit this, gasp, I'm still learning. I'm not all-knowing. I'm not the wise genius that you all probably think that I am. I know, I know...I probably should have warned you to sit down first. I know. So a few things that have seeped into my grey matter:

1. "Fade" is another word for "drunk".

2. Experion no longer allows consumers to buy their credit score. So businesses can use it to determine if you're elligible for crap, but you can't find out in advance. At best, you can get a copy of it when businesses run your credit check. This blows my mind, I seriously think the whole thing is shady (like if they f*ck up, and i get stuck with a crappier loan and later would have to pay to refinance again once the mistake is made, THEY should be accountable for that).

3. Patience is just not my thing. I can say i'm patient...I am not. I should just own it, rock it, and be done with it.

4. Hungarian Paprika is NOT the same as regular paprika. It should be called "Paprika on Steroids".

5. If you don't have a wine fridge, you can store white wine in your regular fridge, but red wine you should just pop in the fridge before you serve it.

6. Lasers do NOT fix everything. They don't fix really bad scars that will turn white. Which is fine for 99% of the population that i'm around, but being half brown that poses a big, big problem.

7. Kickball is surprisingly harder than it looks.

8. Strawberry-rhubarb pie is not easy to find in orange county.

9. Synthetic oil is better for your car than...well whatever hell else you normally get with an oil change. it's worth the extra $20.

10. For all my impatience and bitchiness, I don't really give a crap about Octomom. I think she's got alot of nerve to want help paying for her Masters degree since I can't afford to go out and get my own, but I really don't give a crap about her, her whacked out doctor, or her bizarro lips. There's alot more issues I have with where my tax dollars go than to her...i can handle the 10 cents a paycheck if it pays for a lifetime of seeing her 8-fetus-belly forever on the internet.

11. It's very, very easy to let time fly and become a bad friend without realizing it. I owe so many people emails, cards, you name it. My apologies to the peanut gallery...my mind has been elsewhere the past few months. No excuse, but rather, an explanation.

12. How we view ourselves in highschool seems to carry over into the adult world...if you felt like a nerd in highschool, you still feel that way now. Its kind of crazy because i get compliments now that i never, ever got in highschool/college but they're very hard to accept because conventional thinking is that things were better/looked better when we were young. But then again...I look at J Lo in her Fly Girl era vs. her...well her "hey my name is J Lo" era. Even Angelina looked better in Mr & Mrs Smith than she did in Hackers (granted, she also had a nose job. but either way, girl is looking ROUGH now).

13. What matters in your potential life partner at 20 is different than at 30. I wonder if it'll be different at 40. Hopefully at 20 you're mature enough to have foresight to what you MIGHT want at 30. Hotness matters at 20. Good job and stability matters at 30.

14. The wedding industry has changed ALOT in the 6 years since I got married. The bar has been raised big time.

15. There comes a point in your life where you have to accept that you aren't as low-maintenance as you think you are. Unless you've been slumming it the same way you did in your early 20s, there's no way in your 30s you're actually okay living a lower quality of life. We all like to think that it's an option, that we could totally suck it up if we had to...um yeah time to wake up sistah. Once you've been in the working world for a good number of years (REAL working world, i.e. post-university, not post-McDonald's), you can't function without things that have become regular-yet-luxury staples, like department store foundation (Cover Girl? F*ck that orange crap!) or Woolite.

16. I am much more addicted to tv than even I'm willing to admit, and I admit that i watch ridiculous amounts. I straight up just need a DVR hooked up to an IV.

My favorite love story for modern times

This is quite possibly the best love story ever:

Boy Photoshops Girl: A Flickr Love Story

In a nutshell: a chick in England and a dude from the states meet on Flickr when they notice their pics are similar...then they start a collaboration project where she photographs herself, emails it to him, and he tweeks it to make it look like they're in the pic together. Like crazy stuff where he's holding her, etc.

And then they finally met. True love yo!

They actually have their own company even though they don't live in the same country (she has to finish up school), Aaraon and Rosie Fotography ARF. This would make me question the tax ramifications, but i guess in a global economy you figure it out. And that's not the point, but leave it to me to read a love story and think "how does that work for taxes and claiming your income?"

I guess there's alot of cynics out there, but here's why I think this is quite possibly one of the most brilliant love stories I've ever head of:

1. It was a fluke they ever met.
Do you know how many people are on Flickr? What are the odds of two people connecting on that level? I could write say 100 guys on Flickr, and I guarantee NONE of them would ever be my type, be interested in what i'm interested in, or want to do any project with me (where I wouldn't end up being murdered, robbed, or pimped out).

2. They live an ocean apart
Nothing speaks love like distance. Okay well maybe not, but if you can still grow some sort of bond while having little or no physical contact, that speaks incredible volumes. Now realistically, I'm sure they were off dating other people and what not...but clearly something was growing between them. She probably got all giggly when posing for pictures, he got all giddy in anticipation of her reaction once he posted the final result, hoping for her approval.

3. They're goodlooking
You wanna argue with me that that's not part of this love story? Suck my balls. That's part of the fantasy part of it...they are photo-friendly, which is a necessary part of their appeal since their love is THROUGH photos. If they were ugly mofos, people wouldn't have been interested, they wouldn't have continued their collaboration, they wouldn't have gotten the funds to continue their business, so on and so forth.

4. They're real...and they're nerdy
This is a love story for modern times. This isn't chivalry, some dude fighting for the love of his woman, a story of strife...it's real. Just two people who pursued their hobby, their inner geeks, and as a result built a bond. It makes anyone think "Wow...that could be me!"
(Granted...this is the exception, not the rule. For more info, see My blog entry on HJNTIY

5. They're not trying to make a buck
At least, according to the article. They're hocking their business of photo-editing, but you can't buy their prints straight off the site (from my search anyway). It just seems like they truly are passionate for what they do, which is what brought them together. Nothing shady.

6. It makes you believe
Okay, maybe I'm a sucker. yeah, I admit it. i'm a sucker for love. I'm a sucker for all things Disney. i'm a sucker when I watch Love Actually and the music roars at the end as Collin Firth goes to propose to Aurelia with the town following him, or Mark telling on paper to Keira Knightley that she's perfect and he's wasted heart will love her till she gets all wrinkly/nasty...i'm a SUCKER. I want to BELIEVE. I really do. This story...makes you believe.



And that's as sappy as you're going to get from me.

In defense of Valentine's Day

Valentine's Day...my opinion (and really...the only opinion that matters!)

It seems like Valentine's Day is massive hot topic button.
No, not this type of Hot Topic


Naturally the tendency is to like Valentine's Day only when you're in a relationship. Which makes sense...it's all about love, sex, and the other warm fuzzy stuff. A whole day to celebrate your LOVE, oh golly gee, what could be better...

And if you're single, then either you just treat it like a neutral day or you vehemently oppose anything related to all things reminding you that you're NOT in a relationship.

I'm here to argue in defense of Valentine's Day. Yes...me...the girl who'd rather stab her eyes out than deal with Christmas and every other pagan holiday.

I get the rationale of "why do you need a day to tell you to get flowers, you should be doing that anyway blah blah". Yes, which is true when it comes to the materialistic side of it...the same with Christmas as well. Some things are just common sense: don't buy roses on valentine's day. Yes, they are overpriced. It's not the stores' fault. I worked in a flower shop (Bryan: Select Roses on 10th line if you remember!), it's the suppliers in south america who jack it up, and thus the retail stores have to do the same.

But as great as it is to think of the utopic situation where out of the blue you get roses, jewelry, whatever, some dudes/couples need a little help. Let me put this in perspective:

Kraig bought a timeshare before i met him. Trust me, it's the worst purchase a person can make. It's the only property that goes DOWN in value right off the bat. Anyway you can "deposit" it and exchange your week for weeks elsewhere but there's a deadline (hence the word "time" in "timeshare"). I can truly say that without those deadlines, we never ever would have vacationed anywhere. It's easy to say "someday we'll go to X place" but with vacation time, schedules, money, time just flies by and you realize it's been years since you've gone anywhere for more than just a 3 day weekend. It was fantastic to be FORCED to take a vacation and be guilt-free about it (for those of us that have guilt over taking time off of errands and other To-Dos).

Valentine's Day is nice because you don't NEED an excuse to have to take the time off. To tell people you are busy. To revel in your love. To have a day where you specifically think "damn...i LOVE this guy/girl." To have a set scheduled day where damn right, you're getting laid. To find a card that expresses everything you feel if you're not a fantastic writer yourself (you don't get the same concentration of cards focused on love any other day of the year...and those are people PAID to write about love. For $4, if it gets the point across that youc an't the rest of the year, that's a good investment).

I'll admit, I'm a little biased. Valentine's Day is a chick holiday with a focus on jewelry and chocolate (i'll subtract the flowers...as much as I like them, I've been quite scarred by the flower shop job. I like the IDEA of flowers and i'm a little picky based on the cleanup factor later..stargazer lillies are AWFUL, MESSY, and a PAIN IN THE ASS to dispose of.)

Okay, so for single people, there's a whole other slew of arguments in favor of it. Nothing bonds women better than bitching about men and consuming chocolate. Much like Valentine's Day is a great excuse for couples to get together, the same applies to chicks and their girlfriends on Vday.


I've told this story a billion times but I'll say it again: my best Valentine's Day was not with a guy...it was when I was single for the first time in a few years and my friend Christine brought a carnation to work for me, saying she knew it would be a bit rough on me since it was my first Vday experience singlehood. It was the sweetest gift ever: it's one thing when your boyfriend gives you a flower on Vday, it's another when your friend who has no obligation to get you something still remembers you.

I guess my point is: it's about Love, in all shapes and forms. Whether its friends or your significant other. Christmas is about traditions and buying crap, St Patrick's Day is about drinking, July 4th is about USA...a day filled with Love, in any form, sounds pretty damn good to me.

(no matter how bitter or upset I may be on that day)

Inspirational. No really.

I wish I could buy this and hang it in my entryway. If i had an entryway. it's more like a small little area to take your shoes off. Anyway:

He's Just Not That Into You

If you're a female and you have a pulse, then you read He's Just Not That Into You when it first came out.

It seemed a little odd to have a self-help book be turned into a movie, but whatever...Greg Bernhardt is a sellout douchebag so it seems it would be fitting. And it seemed fitting that all the best scenes were probably shown in previews.

I am happy to say, I was proved wrong. This movie kicks ass. Minus the stupid cameo with Greg as a wedding minister. What the eff. Damn he's such a tool. Can someone PLEASE tell him to shave that dead thing off his chin?
Seriously hate facial hair, especially ones that look like a small rodent is growing



The premise is pretty easy...take the lessons in the book, then show scenes from people's lives that illustrate the point.

It's been years since I read it, but DAMN if you aren't reminded of previous dates/boyfriends/flings/manfriends/relationships/whatever when you watch this movie. One brilliant point: you are the RULE, not the EXCEPTION.

Everyone has a story about a couple who met in some bizarro way. Or a chick who married a guy after he brushed her off for a year. Or how the guy really DID go out of town, lose her number, but found her and married her. Those are the EXCEPTIONS.

WE ARE NOT EXCEPTIONS.

WE ARE THE RULE. And the rule says that in general, those jackass things don't turn into great moments of romance.

On another note, Jennifer Aniston still proves that she will forever be Rachel. This is just Rachel older and dating Ben Affleck.

Ginnifer Goodwin gives a fantastic performance as Gigi, the girl who f*cks up everything.

And damn, I hated Scarlett Johansson before...I hate her even more now. The lesson of her story is: don't be a frickin' whore or you'll end up alone.

When I read the book, I remember thinking back to two guys I dated...and yes, even *I* the all-knowing girl wonder that I am even made excuses for them.

One was a dude who I met when I was in university. Damn, I don't remember his name but I know he had shingles the summer before and he thought Carmen Electra (who had just been discovered) was super hot. His dad was a cop and he used to get mad when tv shows depicted blood as red since it dries to brown in real life. We had a fantastic date, he was enamored with me, blah blah. Then we had a few more dates, and it was all that magical pot-of-gold-unicorns-rainbow crap. Then suddenly...he went MIA. And i got the excuse that he was traveling for volleyball. Then stuff about hanging out with an ex-girlfriend. But stupid me kept calling him...i didn't understand how we could have these awesome dates and suddenly he would pull away. Well moron, he hinted in not so many words that he was pining for his ex-girlfriend. And i'm sure when she got wind of him dating someone new, she "suddenly remembered" that he was the one for her. And then he was....no longer into me.

The other dude I don't think I even knew his last name. He drove a mustang, so my friends and I called him Adam Mustang. On our date, he ran into someone he knew. Guess who wasn't even introduced on the date? Guess who just sat there like an IDIOT while he chatted with this other dude for like half an hour (i am NOT exaggerating. It was horrible). What a f*cking moron...i looked cute. I WAS CUTE. Anyway after the horrible date, of course I didnt' hear from him. But being the idiot that I was...I called him a few times. Left some VMs. It was blazingly obvious: a guy who likes a girl will NOT be distracted for 30 mins on a date...especially a first date, and especially not distracted by some MALE buddy (i think it was a coworker....he wasn't gay :P).
Finally when I wrote him off...a few months later, he called ME. I think I was dating somoene else by then so I gave him the brush off, but in hindsight it was sooooo very clear he wanted a bootycall. (For the record: we had never slept together, or even got past a kiss...which I think is part of the "problem"...i think he thought he would score that night. Only to discover that a) not my style, and b) i lived with my parents). No one was any less into me than Adam Mustang, but I was too much of a stupid girl to realize that.

This should be required reading for girls in highschool. I'd say elementary school, but there's alot of sex talk in the book.

Oh and on another note: this whole schpiel of telling little girls that if a boy is mean to you it's because he likes you is BULL CRAP. If a boy is mean to you he's an abusive d1ck and if he pulls your hair, you should whack him in the nuts. No boy should ever be allowed to be controlling, verbally/emotionally/whatever abusive, and should certainly not make a girl be led to believe that he's treating her right when he so clearly is not.


Yes, indeed, it's just Rachel all over again.

Things worth hating

Things I hate...loathe...heavily dislike...annoy me (in no particular order):

1. Rihanna. I'll tolerate "Umbrella" 'cause it's semi-fun to sing when driving, and the video for "Disturbia" is interesting, but her voice sounds like a dying goat. I love T.I., but I'd rather shove a pen in my ear than listen to their "Live Your Life" song. Adult contemporary drives me berserk.

2. To add, I also hate Jason Mraz, Eagle Eye Cherry, Coldplay, Incubus, John Mayer, Akon, L'il Wayne, Lady GaGa, and that stupid STUPID "paper planes" song.

3. So disappointed, Target was out of my favorite mascara (Unstoppable in Very Black) so I just grabbed Define-A-Lash Volume Waterproof Mascara (in...Very Black)...it effing SUCKS. And i didn't feel like raising a fuss to Target about returning bad $4 mascara, especially since I still really needed it. I'm just saying, the bristles are weird plasticky things and they just make my eyelashes clump Tammy Faye-style.

4. I loathe people showing me hundreds of pictures of the same damn thing. I don't care if it's nature, you standing in the same city, a baby, whatever. Pretend you have 24 exposures and that's ALL you get to show me.

5. Grey's Anatomy. I can't stand listening to people TALK about Grey's Anatomy. I even tried to watch Private Practice just to stick it to the Grey's Anatomy people. Really, I just can't stand the Grey chick. Since the show is named after her, she's not going anywhere anytime soon. She's so frickin' ANNOYING.

6. To all cashiers of the world: scan my credit card, THEN bag my stuff. If i'm at Old Navy buying a billion pairs of jeans it's heavily inefficient to fold and bag everything only to have us stand and wait for the card to be approved. LEARN TO DO THINGS IN PARALLEL PEOPLE.

7. I hate when people flick their cigarettes out the window...when I'm the car behind them. In fact, I'm going to channel what Erin and I used to say in highschool: driving and smoking is tacky. Throwing them out the window is tacky. It was true 15 years ago, and its still true now.

8. Speaking of smokers, I've had my arms burned a billion times from smokers not paying attention. Okay, I get it, you're drinking and got sloppy. But when someone yelps and a welt is forming, don't do a "oh...sorry"...dumbass you BURNED MY F*CKING ARM. I once had a scar for almost 2 years because of a biotch and her nasty cigarette and all I got was a one second apology (to those in the know: it was at Au Zone). Makes me want to rip their nastiness out of their hands and cram it in their eyes...yeahhh hurts now doesn't it you mofo...

9. I hate when guys act like they thing they're being cute when they're not. There was a dude this weekend who was all over one of my friends (who shall remain nameless), but he thought was so charming by doing all of the following:
- repeatedly lying about what he did for a living...ummm women don't "do" guessing games. Just tell us if you have a job and arent' living in a cardboard box
- kept dicking around with the camera when all of us girls got together for a pic...it's hard enough to get a group shot. Don't try to tilt the camera, do weird angles, whatever.
All of that is attention-seeking behavior in a bad way. It's childish. Women do NOT like men who exhibit any childlike "look at me, pay attention to me" behaviors.

10. Speaking of dude from #9, men need to stop assuming women don't know sh*t about computers. "Do you know what a server is?"...yeah mofo, and I bet I can set one up in a network faster than you can. Shut yer pie hole.

(yeah, i'm in a bad mood today)

11. I loathe buying tampons. If women ruled the world, you KNOW that crap would be a tax-write off. It's a medical condition! it's not my fault I'm bleeding without death once a month. If insurance covers Viagra, then it should cover tampons.

12. Organic anything. Laws are super lax about what constitutes "organic", so it's not like you're really going to notice a difference. Something about seeing a box of ORGANIC CHOCOLATE makes my blood boil. Chocolate is cocoa and sugar boiled together with some nuts tossed in. Organic won't make it any healthier or taste better. It's retarded.

13. Margaritas. Yeah. I said it. I can't stand margaritas. Tequila straight up = GOOD. Tequila mixed with stuff = nastiness. Maybe it also helps that that stupid Margaritaville place was just annoying (granted, the company was good...Kraig, Christine, and Noel). Oh woo hoo, we made a Slurpee machine full of tequila and green sugary crap and it overflows once every 20 minutes...SHOCKING!
virgin lime daiquiris however kick ass

14. A Slurpee trumps everything else. A Slurpee is NOT a Slushee. A Slurpee is NOT a Hush Puppy. In fact, those stupid Hush Puppy drinks are nothing more than what Shave Ice is: crushed ice with syrup poured over it. How is that not vile to people? A Slurpee starts off as a flavored beverage, THEN frozen.
I miss Diet Coke slurpees, sigh.
The best combo is Orange Crush mixed with Cream Soda (you know, the pink stuff)...sooo sooo good. Last time I saw it was at the Quickie next to my parents' house (Bryan, do a drive by of the one in Orleans and lemme know if they still have it)

15. Fake nails. Yeah, you know who you are with your faux nails and the french manicure. I understand if you have a special occasion and can't grow your nails out to look good in pics (i.e. a wedding day...that's the ONLY reason). The sound of fake nails against a keyboard is like a fork on a chalkboard. And they're OVERTLY fake...they're not like fake boobs, where even if they're overtly fake you can rock them and look good. No, big white-tipped fake nails serve no purpose other than to draw attention to the fact that you can't maintain a regular beauty regime.
I have the weakest nails on the planet from years of nail biting, but if I can grow them out and make them look good, then there's no excuse.

16. Flip flops. Something about a shoe that only stays on because of a single piece that goes between my toes is just weird. People in Pakistan wear them all the time (even as a kid, I refused to wear them there). Do you see what i'm saying? They're 3rd world country. Do you want malaria as well?!

17. Ghetto-ass people who raise their trucks. Your stupid tires don't fit in the tire nook thingy so you have a big half meter gap between the top of the tire to your car. It's RETARDED. Where are you offroading to when you live in Orange County? Oh wait, let me guess...Glamis?! It's tacky, tacky, tacky. It's the car equivalent of wear low-wise jeans with the sides of your thongs sticking out.

'Kay...nuff ranting.