So I've been snooping around and informally asking female friends the following: do you think we would make the same decisions about guys and marriage if we had the same biological clock as they do (i.e. we can procreate no problem till we're 80)...
And unanimously, every female agreed...that biological clock that ticks is a HUGE gating factor in our choice of life mates and the decisions we make. It's not like guys think "crap, i'm 29, if i dump her now and try to find another girlfriend who i can marry that might end up when i'm like 34 and that's pushing it when ti comes to having our first kid"...
To quote a friend...marriage is a crap shoot, Because you truly don't know when you're marrying someone what you're getting into. You make the best decision you can with the info you've been provided. No one tells you what marriage is like, what buying a house with someone is like, what to expect growing old with someone, what creating offspring is like...
In the end, you take your best guess at the odds and then roll that dice and pray that it'll work out in your favor. Read this link!
And...why doesn't anyone just tell you this growing up? I feel like we con children...we give them the impression that the world is their oyster when they graduate and become adults...no one says "listen, you're going to spend 99% of your waking days working so that you can afford the other 1% of your life which is going to include bills, car payments, house/rent payments, and maybe if you have a few bucks leftover you can buy a cute pair of boots. So get used to being a drone, because that's what we're grooming you to be".
Okay , granted, some people ENJOY their jobs to the point where they would do it for free if they could, but most people I know do their jobs because it's a paycheck because what they TRULY enjoy would never pay enough money to survive.
So life overall....it seems like this is stuff that's common knowledge to everyone I know NOW...so why didn't our elders tell us this stuff?
But everywhere I go, I meet smug married couples who love to relate the moment they “just knew” they’d found their life partners. As far as I’m concerned, it’s revisionist history; if the marriage in question has worked out so far, they say they acted on their rocksolid gut. But if it ended in divorce, they confess to earlier doubts.
Maybe it's one of those things where people just want to suck people into their misery. You know like when people say "oh you should have a baby, you'll be amazed how your life changes for the better, how wonderful it is blah blah" and then when people have them they realize "crap, this isn't THAT great, this sucks, i got conned!" and then THEY continue the endless circle by bringing other people down in their misery by perpetuating the myth that it's wonderful to have children and life is so grand that way.
Or...maybe people just live with the deception and don't spread the truth onto others because they can't spread what they don't acknowledge. After my 1 year wedding anniversary I started reading/hearing everywhere how your first year of marriage is the WORST...but you cant' say anything because everyone keeps coo'ing at you with their "awww, congratulations newlyweds" schpiel...so you don't want to tell them how rough it is.
So what's my point?
My point is...I think it is anyway...to bitch and vent that life is one big crap shoot...that we've been "programmed" as women to want to marry and have babies and all that crap whereas men don't have to worry about it 'cause they don't have that biological ticking time bomb like we do...and that generations have done the next generation a huge disservice by not telling the truth about life, bills, 401K, retirement, marriage, babies, and general life after college.
And if you don't agree with me...well suck it and go write your own damn blog where you can say wonderfully dandy it is to be a working girl in this day and age.
4 comments:
Hey I would say that Steve and I kind of had a deal when we got married. We kind of vowed to try as hard as possible to NOT have children for at least 5 years. SO we had ample time to "get out" or make sure we truely "liked" being with each other. At that point well we said another year for the kids at least. Then it just kind of became a we love our life the way it is. Many may feel we are being selfish but our marriage works for us so it isn't for anyone else to decide how we should be. I'm sure for alot of women though there is this pressure to get married or get into a very good relationship before their 30's especially if they want to have children. Men they have it much easier. Or at least it seems that way.
Preach on sistah! And I don't think you guys are selfish...no one is "obligated" to have kids, and if you love your life why on earth would you do something that could ruin that? Tell any nay-sayers to read my blog if they give you beef :)
Guys defintely have an advantage but keep I think people are holding off on the having kids thing because everyone is so driven to have some sort of career before they even try. Throw on top the extra pressure for women to succeed and have something stable, it's a freakin' nightmare. :P
I'm 30 and I have to say I feel a little left out. :) But it has given me a bit of perspective, most of my friends are married and have either one kid or one on the way and although I feel like a bit of a dufus because I can't really relate to owning a home, car, or raising a child, I know some find it hard and certainly tiring but for the most part they enjoy it but I've had some conversations where they've said to me, that I should enjoy my life now because of my lack of responsibility and not having anyone to answer to. I suppose the grass is always greener on the other side. :P
I guess you have to be pretty sure about someone before you have kids but I also figure that once you marry them you pretty much have no doubts and that is the person you want to have kids with - but hey what do I know? :P
If it works that you both like things the way it is without kids, who cares what other people say? It's not like you're obligated to have kids.
I know having kids is something I'd like and I know in my last long term relationship after we had been together for awhile the conversation did come up and at first she didn't want to for various reasons and then later on she liked the idea, unfortunately we didn't work out but the point is talking about it at some point is something that should happen, I'd say at least before you get married.
One thing that does worry me though is that I don't want to be some old fart with a teenager or something like that who's unable to do things with his kid. I haven't taken a survey of my guy friends thoughts on having kids and it's quite possible that they don't think about when to have kids because of the point you raised Sabina but I'm sure there are some out there that have thought the same thing I have.
Ugg! Stupid Blogger Beta! I had a whole big long comment typed out and it got deleted. Here's the gist, without all the explanation:
1) You asked me this question and I did not say that if I could have kids when I was old, I'd wait to get married. I want to get married now regardless of how loudly my biological clock is ticking.
2) I asked Abdul about men's biological clocks and he said 40 is "the" age. Basically, he wants to have kids by the time he's 40 so that he can still enjoy them while he's young.
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