When the movie Open Water hit the theaters, it got crazy good reviews. I'm guessing because it's based on a true story. And when people say "Based on a true story" or "Based on actual events", you know that the only part that is "actual" is the part where the main character brushes their teeth.
But I figure...it's a shark movie, so I don't really care for accuracy as much as the "crap my pants" factor.
Well...let's just say...I'm betting this really is exactly how it happened.
It's 2 hours of a couple swimming in the ocean combined with 3 minutes of a shark taking a chomp out of the dude's leg. That's it.
Well let me even elaborate...It's 2 hours of...
1. Cheap filming (you can hear every background noise).
2. Them packing their bags and heading in the dude's car. Her being frantic about leaving work behind.
3. Them vegging out on vacation.
4. Them in their hotel room (alert! boob shot! and they don't even have sex! Miss Thang has a sunburnt nose!)
5. Buddy brushes his teeth.
6. Middle of the night, the guy has to kill a fly.
7. They go out on a tour boat thingy to go diving
8. Some new york guy forgot his mask. He freaks out for like 20 minutes.
9. Everyone goes diving.
10. The couple accidentally gets left behind.
11. They're in the water.
12. They stay in the water.
13. They pee in the water.
14. Girly finds candy in her wetsuit.
15. They argue in the water.
16. The timeline is displayed on screen. It's been like 8 hours.
17. Girly gets stung by a jellyfish and complains.
"Ohhhh jellyfish! It hurts! It hurts! This is the most screaming I'm going to do for the next 24 hours because I'm more scared of a frickin' jellyfish than Jaws! Ohhh my pedicure is ruined!"
18. It gets dark.
19. They complain they want their money back.
20. A shark comes by and chomps a chunk out of the guy's leg.
21. They complain some more.
22. Nighttime comes. It's cold.
23. Morning comes. it's cold.
24. Chicky realizes the boy is dead.
25. She takes her stuff off and then slips underwater.
And that's it.
Uhhh call me crazy, but when you say "based on a true story" that actually allows you to toss in moments that might be interesting to the viewer, regardless if it happened or not. Otherwise, that's THE TRUE STORY and its boring as hell.
If there was a movie about paint drying, this was it. I actually got mad after I saw it. I mean, wtf. Do they really know if they woke up to catch flies? Do they really know if she was obsessed with her laptop? No. They made it up and put it in the movie. Do we really know if she went to bed naked with sunblock on her nose (uhhh word to the wise: chicks don't SLEEP naked unless they want to stay up all night doing naked activity). Of course we don't. THey made it up. Couldn't they have made up the SHARK ATTACK A LITTLE BIT BETTER?!!!?!??!
Like the guy screaming bloody murder, the girl pulled under water, them fighting off the shark...OH yeah they had a weapon...a knife...but Dude drops it before ever using it. Hey just a thought moviemakers: show us a scene where he stabs a shark inthe eye!??!?!?!!!
Seriously. Paint drying. In movie format.
Then I thought maybe the DVD extras would maybe show a bit more about the true couple and all that. Umm...no. It was about the married couple who directed this movie. And you know what they talked about? How much the birth of their child impacted their view on moviemaking. WTF.
If I gained anything from this movie, it's that sharks aren't scary at all and that you should make sure your tour boat person remembers to pick you up.
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