This effing heat is insane

DAYAM...i came into work and it was 87 degrees. EIGHTY SEVEN...crazy. I had to snake one of my coworker's fans in order to survive. Everyone moved a little slower...maybe from the holiday, maybe because we felt like chicken pot pie baking in the oven.

mmmm...chicken pot pie...mmgughghghnnn


After much debate with a friend in Toronto over The Hills, I must say...I'm on team Brody. Mostly because Spencer should be shot for his bad attitude, arrogance, and stupid facial hair. And also because....
Brody slept with LC....
Brody and Spencer are friends
Spencer hypnotizes Heidi
LC hates Spencer
LC and Heidi are no longer friends
....somehow Brody and LC being friends is an attack on Spencer? I disagree...Spencer doesn't have a monopoly on who can and can't be friends. If he dumped Heidi, he couldn't care a LESS about LC...it's only because he wants to control Heidi, control the people in her life, and in turn he has to make sure that if person X who can't be around Heidi also can't be around his friends.

Dude needs to chill out...(or as LC would say "homeboy" needs to chill out)...Brody isn't Spencer boyfriend. Brody isn't choosing LC over Spencer. It's a non-issue. These guys are all hanging out with the chicks because of their Bone-ability factor. If LC were ugly, Brody wouldn't even be talking to her.

Basically, it has nothing to do with Heidi and LC. Brady doesn't have to be loyal to Heidi. And Spencer saying that LC is his "enemy" is just being overly dramatic and selfish, becuase by that rationale i'm going to call EVERYONE i don't get along with my "enemy", and suddenly now no one in my life can associate with them?

And yes...this is a discussion best left to high school kids in between Calculus and English Lit.

Something Wall-mart this way comes

People have bizarro interests, and some of mine include:
1. The psychology between men and women
2. The business that is Walmart
3. Cultural aspects of beauty (reminds me: Alanna, you still have my book!)

Today...let's talk walmart.
You don't need 3 copies of the same movie Cartman!


Walmart's under ALOT of pressure lately because as much at they try to move forward and stop being a ghetto hillbilly store, sadly...that's pretty much their main consumer.

They discovered that along with rednecks, regular working people (i.e. middle income people like you and me) tend to shop there for basic staples (toilet paper, crap you can buy anywhere but always cheapest at Walmart). So they tried to figure out ways to get us middle income people to STAY at Walmart and spend more. They tried to bring in higher-end stuff, like more expensive furnishings and their "George" line of clothing.

Now this pissed off the hillbillies and rednecks big time. Like the older rural women aren't happy with the clothing options now, becuase they don't want trendy hiphuggers and stuff. And the managers are pissed off 'cause they dont' want expensive lamps to replace their cheapie lamps, because college kids are a huge part of their demographic too.

The latest thing to piss off the hillbillies this week has been the removal of Walmart's layaway program. I had no idea walmart even HAD a layaway program. Layaway is for stuff that you want NOW, might not be there TOMORROW, so you promise to pay tomorrow if NOW the manager will keep it in back for you. WTF is there at Walmart now that you can't just wait till you save the money?

Well people are pissed. Because Walmart is assuming in this day and age of credit cards that people can still buy now, pay later. Uhhh, yes that is a correct assumption. However, the hillbillies are steamin' mad over this. I guess alot of people right around this time buy their Xmas gifts. One lady was quoted as saying that she hopes she'll have the money at Xmastime for her kids' gifts since she cant do layway.

Now maybe i'm an idiot...but either you pay it off later when it's on layaway...or you just buy it later...isn't it all the same thing? And WTF is at Walmart that you can't just save up for? If you have to put your son's XBox 360 on layaway, then maybe you aren't in a financial position to buy one. Or put it on your credit card. Or...just a thought...how about you just SAVE UP and buy it a week before xmas?

And...to Walmart's defense...why should they put stuff aside, interest-free, for consumers when credit companies are making good coin charging interest with relatively the same concept?

The other issue that hillbillies are griping about is the reduction of the fabric department. Yes, walmart has a fabric department. One article I read quoted an old lady having to drive out 2 hours to get her fabric because Walmart is getting rid of that department. GASP...for shame, a company actually noticing what sells and what doesn't, and removing the items or departments that aren't financially sound. Walmart isn't a government agency people...it's a BUSINESS. They aren't there to provide you with affordable crap. They're there to take your dough, even if it seems like a good buy.

Apparently part of Walmart's big problem is that they don't pay attention to what the managers on the floor are saying that people want (probably because then they'd be stuck with fabric on layaway). They also don't allow managers to order stuff that's out of stock, regardless if the shelves are empty...it's all about the quantities listed in the system. Have you ever attempted to get mascara from Walmart? Cosmetics are impossible 'cause they never HAVE anything there...turns out that that's their #1 most shoplifted department, and if the system still says it's in stock...well tough luck, they're never going to replace the item.

As high tech of a system, it seems a little archaic.

Anyway...that's the kind of crap that fascinates me. I'm not sure WHY...i think just 'cause they're so hated and yet, you can't help but shop there if you need cheap toilet paper.

Interest breeds expectation

I started a new blog just for running: 3.1 before 31, just to keep myself accountable for this running stuff.

After spending Saturday in Santa Monica, I realized the difference between San Francisco, LA, and Orange County people....
San Francisco is full of snobby hippies. They wear nasty smelling clothing, but because it's hemp then it's okay.
Los Angeles people act like they know soooooooo much about the world around them, and that they're doing their part by driving a Prius but then they go around acting like they're the most worldly people on the planet. Pretentious much?

As for Orange County...yeah, people drive Priuses (plural: Prii?)...but they also drive their Hummers on weekends. They don't act like they care about the environment or like they're worldly...they're snobs, yes, but they're snobs in the true sense of it: they can buy name brand stuff.

Out of all 3, I prefer Orange County...at least their snobbiness is related to material goods, not a state of mind. They don't think they're better because their ideals are so wonderful...they think they're better because their purses are better.

And that, to me, is how it should be.

Weekend wrap up....

Did a quickie trip to the bay area...

Will post pics soon...

Also updated my sidebar with new links (Sara and Marlene's blogs)...

Gotta jet to pick out the baseboard for the home improvement crap. It never frickin' ends.

Bitchy and cranky as hell.

puh puh puh push it...

Ahhh, good times on a Friday planning the horrible commute to the bay area. Getting out of LA is 50% of the trip.

Lately Carrie, Nicole V-now-B, and I have been attending these yoga and pilates classes at 24 hour fitness in mission viejo. The pilates one is absolutely insane..you have to be made of steel to be able to do this class without feeling like jello at the end. It's amazing I was able to pack last night, my whole body felt like it was about to fall apart.

Anyway, in these classes there's this blond chick who allegedly goes by Princess. Yes, seriously. That's according to the 24HF counter dudes who've smacktalked her with me.

This girl is super crazy. Like she does every single class the gym offers AND hangs around after to do her own little workouts. She also sort of does her own routine, which throws you off when you have to look to others to figure out wtf you're doing ('cause you can't always see the instructor doing the poses). She also talks alot to the instructor DURING the class...like i don't care about talking to your friend next to you in a hushed voice, but this isn't a Princess and the Instructor Class. I don't want to hear you babble with the effing instructor while i'm trying to nail down the frog leg thing. And it's not like she's crazy fit or toned or anything...otherwise i'd suggest to her to just get a job there teaching a class.

(Ha ha, the dude behind the counter yesterday was all "I sure hope she doesn't see the signs", refering to the signs throughout the gym saying they're hiring for instructors.)

Every single class she has the same "uniform" with her:
1. Black see-through mesh top.
2. Navy blue cotton stretch pants.
3. A bottle of Perrier (that i'm assuming is refilled often with old skool water)
4. A nasty brown animal-print towel that looks more like a rug.

The problem with the above? She doesnt' WASH any of this between classes. If you're that obsessed with working out, effing buy some more gym clothes! Or use the free tshirts you get wherever! And it's not for a lack of money...the 24HF staff say her dad is a "high roller" and she doesn't have to work.

Which really leads to the true problem with her: her body odor is probably the worst i've smelled on anyone. And really, truly, it's a gym...i get it. We sweat. Lord knows I'm not a bucket of roses when i'm at the gym. But this girl is attending classes daily and doesn't wash her clothes or her towel...put your head in a bucket of sewage for 1 hour and that's pretty much what this chick is like.

So here's my New Gym Rules:
1. If you're going to be Little Miss I'm More Advanced Than You Suckas, then take a spot at the BACK of the class.
2. Do not engage in a full-on discussion with the teacher, unless you have a question about the pose.
3. Wash your stuff when you get home, or bring fresh new clothes to the next class.
4. That also includes bathing.
5. Feel free to do the more advanced poses, but try to stick with the general activity of the class. If people are on their backs lifting their legs, dont' stand up with weights in your hands doing something else. Did you not learn Simon Says in school?!

In other news, attempting to train for a stupid 5K is alot more...exercise than I anticipated. You can hire someone to do almost anything, but apparently you can't hire them to exercise for you.

Oh say can you seeeeeee

Friday I had my US Citizenship test. You know what's sad? I've dealt with INS/BCIS/UCSIS/Dept. of Homeland Security more often than the DMV, and i'd say the quality of both departments are equal....

Someone who had already taken the test told me I needed to cram for 2 weeks...wtf. To anyone who's taking the test: geezus, just study the night before and you'll be fine.

My appointment was at 1:50 and you couldn't show up sooner than 30 mins before the appointment. Being the paranoid freak that I am, I arrived 2 hours early and parked my car in the lot. Which meant I sat there sweating like a mofo for 1.5 hours in my car.

Got in, was PISSED 'cause i sweat like a mofo in dress clothes per the paperwork advisement...mutha effahs waiting were wearing jeans!

Had to drop my papers off under the glass window thing (oh yes, it's the Immigration way....you never get to just to just hand someoone a paper, you have to deal with people behind windows...)...

Once I got called I had to do the whole "raise your right hand do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth yadda yadda"...then had to do a 3rd grade reading/writing test (I DRIVE A BLUE CAR TO WORK). What pissed me off was the history/politics test...yeah, the one I was advised to study for 2 weeks straight...you only need 60% to pass (got 100%...yay for my brain)...

After that, chicky went through my application, had to say that I would be willing to fight on behalf of the US in case of war...

Alright, so to answer everyone's question: no, i'm not a US citizen. After passing the test/interview, they "recommend" me to get my citizenship. In 3 months i'll get a letter telling me that in 2 weeks i'll get to be sworn in.

Once again, i'm stuck on hold with my vacation planning (sorry NY) until I get that letter telling me when I have to go in.

And that is my boring tale of my visit to the department of homeland security....

2 hours and mom's wisdom

I was born on my mom's 30th birthday...so obviously that means tomorrow my mom is turning 60...

She summarized tonight exactly why 30 bugs me:
i'm still trying to come to terms about the big 60. somehow the 5 in front of my age felt pretty good. as i said, from now on it's downhill all the way. lucky i'm still in good health.

yep. indeed.

To Norm:

Soooo... what do I have to do to get the number of your neurologist, or even better yet her daughter?
lol it's Dr. Spokoyny (I think she's russian, hence the daughter's massive boobs) Time for Norm to need his head checked

Hours away

Just a few more hours till:
I'm no longer in my "late twenties" like my side profile says
I become in my "early 30s"...
I reach the third time of reach the "new decade" mark. When you're 10 you're happy 'cause it's cool to be in the double digits.
When i reached it the second time I started using fancy moisturizer and got depressed because that's the age that, when i was 5, i specifically noted that that was an old age and should need moisturizing.

Now it's my 3rd time, and i'm just one more decade iteration till i'm no longer remotely cool or hip.

You know what being 30 means? It means people tellyou that you look good "for your age". Like in Glamour and crap. No one says to a 21 year old that they look good for their age. But to look good for your age after 30 means that the odds are stacked against you and that all that life has to bring typically wears away on your face and body.

Want to curl up in a ball.

Fortunately, this is always FABULOUS for a great laugh:

Monthly visitor...the Blog Lady.

Well, this might be a record for the longest time since I've written. Basically, my "care" factor is pretty low, and I'm so exhausted over real life to have the energy to write about...real life.

Why the exhaustion? Well first they thought it was my B12. Started ODing on that stuff, got it up, and then they thought it was my thyroid levels. They're borderline "hypothyroid", but still ok. THEN i went to see a neurologist (who's daughter was working there for the day and I was so confused...her boobs were CRAZY massive but she didn't have the hootchie look, like fake nails and all that, of an OC plastic-surgeried chick...turns out the boobs were real and the neurologist gets yelled at all the time by strangers asking why she would allow her 19 year old to get such massive boobs...), the neurologist made me get MORE bloodwork done to see if I had Epstein's Bar or something...

(When I hear "Epstein" i think of Juan Epstein from Welcome Back Kotter...and then I picture John Travolta going "up your nose with a rubber hose"...)

Anyway, all of that came back fine. So now i'm sitting here still trying not to pass out trying to figure out the exahustion. To top it off, the last blood panel i took was the day before I donated blood, and they said that i might bruise...i was like "ahh it's all good, go for it"...um riigghtt...I look like someone took a hammer to my arm. It's effing SICK.

In other news, I've been commissioned to do an informal poll to see if guys stalk their girlfriends' ex-boyfriends as much as we stalk our boyfriends' exes...My stance is that us chicks have a strong opinion about our boyfriend's (boyfriends' if you're really in stalker mode) ex girlfriends, that they're whores. We dont' like them, they're evil whores, and they're dying ot get back together with our guy.

Guys on the other hand dont' give a crap about our exes. They figure, "pfft he's the idiot who doesn't have her...i got her now" and that's it.

Have I scopedo ut ex boyfriends online? Heck yeah. Thank you Google. Google and Facebook and Yahoo and Myspace and....
I've check out ex boyfriends' ex girlfriends online...(thank you Google, Facebook, Yahoo....)...
And once Kraig remembers his ex girlfriends' names, they'll be stalked as well.

Is there any guy out there who has researched their girlfriend/ex-girlfriend's ex boyfriends?Or...as I suspect...do you really not care one way or another?

My most recent life development has been my war with a dry cleaner on El Toro on Lake Forest..i'd list their name but something tells me i'm going to take them to small claims court, and i don't feel like jinxing anythng just yet. I've already filed a report with the Better Business Bureau, and for the amount I want back ($208, which is 75% the value of the dress as per the International Fabric Institute's guideline, which most dry cleaners are members of) it'll only be $30 to file...at this rate it'llb e worth it to annoy the crap out of them.

You know how much they want to give me? 10 times the value of the service. I got 4 items on my bill, which means the value of that actual service for the dress is $2.18....um yeah $21.80 for a White House|Black Market dress is a slap in the face. I spent that much on gas already going there a thousand times.

Quick Movie Reviews:

The Simpsons Movie: It was as good as the regular tv show. The regular show is great...so...the movie was great...but it wasn't above-and-beyond great. After watching it, the next day I got it on my phone. i figure, i paid to see it in theaters so it's not so bad that i scored a downloaded version, right? (and HA HA Entertainment Lawyers...i'm not the one who downloaded it...and if you come after me i'll defy you to PROVE other than this blog entry that i have it...moo ha ha ahaaaa)...

Bourne Ultimatum: I dig Matt Damon, and I can't think of any bad movies with him in it. Even that Stuck On You movie was pretty funny (dumb, but funny).

Much like the other Bourne movies, it's the typical Bourne-vs-the-world concept, but it was highly entertaining. Has a fantastic fight scene that's not flashy or gimicky...it's "i'll grab a candlestick...you grab a book...i'll grab a random piece of fabric...i'll smash you into a bookcase...i'll smother you in the bathtub..."...Very well done, even if you haven't seen the other 2 movies (and what cave have you been living in if that's the case?!) you'll totally understand the gist of it.

And...finally...4 days away from the big three-oh. I know to some people it's not a big deal, but i grew up with 30 representing ALOT of different things, and now that i'm actually reaching it it's making a pretty big impact psychologically. I swear if i wake up with a grey hair on Friday, i'll go off the deep end.

Argh i'll have to update that little schpiel under my profile on the right...

Burn baby burn

Well after years of emails from friends in Canada asking me if any of the california brush fires have affected me...well a brush fire is currently burning just outside of my house...

I was driving home from work, Kraig calls me to say he heard there was a fire in our complex...so I'm not thinking much of it, like some ghetto neighbor dropped a cigarette on their couch or something.

I go into my complex...I turn down the streets...and RIGHT where i turn onto my little street in the complex there were around 6 or 7 fire trucks and 2 helicopters circling overhead. It was crazy. They blocked off that section of my street, and apparently they were on call to evacuate the homes that face the canyon that's right next to my complex.

So I was PISSED because a bunch of us had to park in the fire zones, and the dumbass president of the association comes over and says how the tow trucks are coming because they can get huge fines when people park in the fire zones...uh HELLO I think the firefighters are dealing with a bigger issue than our cars parked in front of garages. Even the police sheriff admitted that he told someone it was okay to park in the handicapped spot, because it was such mayhem.

Even more reason to be pissed: so many people didn't have their cars in their garages (come ON people), and the dumbass president of the HOA had his MOTORCYCLE parked in a parking spot right by his house...wtf, he has a ton of room in his garage for that thing! He saw people circling the complex trying to find parking spots...what a frickin' dick. Needless to say, this disgruntled homeowner is attending HOA meetings....

Those poor bunnies and coyotes got their home burned down :( I scoped out the canyon...it's just a big chunk of grey and black, like someone poured concrete and tar on the canyon. I wonder how it started...pfft maybe the ghetto hillbilly flicked it out of his window instead of dropping it on his couch.

MSNBC article about the brush fire.

Fortunately, I got a spot on the street and didn't have to walk crazy far.

This poor deer! Damn fires.

Scenes from a post office

In case you need to be bored...

So on Tuesday I left work early 'cause I had to haul ass to the dentist to pick up my new retainer (in case anyone cares, they removed the bottom wire that's been attached to my teeth since I was 15 so that i could get a retainer that i can take in/out). When that was done, i managed to get out in time to swing by the post office...

See my ghetto mailbox doesn't accept my key anymore, which is a pain in the ass because anything that involves government workers is bound to be a hassle. Fortunately my actual mailman is awesome, but that doesn't make going to the post office any less painful. On Saturday I went and bitched about the key not working anymore, and i shelled out $30 to get it replaced. And they said they'd call me when it was ready. Which i took to assume, they'll never call me.

After the dentist i took it upon myself to find out the status of the key situation, and the lady couldn't find ANY record of anything. And she kept insisting that i had put something in the "special instructions" box, which I didn't, all I did was fill out my address and that's IT. I didn't even know there WAS a "special instructions" box.

So while she's looking in the back for the status, the counter guy calls the next number and this wannabe rapper guy comes up to the counter saying he's picking up a package, but he wants to know who it's from because if it's from his ex girlfriend, he wants nothing to do with it.

After awhile of standing around, I asked him why he didn't want the package. He said that it was BAD and that there's nothing good that could be in there. I asked "what if there's money?" and eh said "nooo...it's paperwork that she wants me to sign".

Me: "Paperwork?"
Him: "yeah. She's a singer and wants me to sign something saying i'm not goign to talk sh*t about her now that we've broken up"
Me: "shouldn't she have asked for that when you started going out, not when it ended?"
Him: "you'd think. We only went out a month and a half and she keeps threatening to get her lawyers after me."

Me: "Is she famous? Have i heard of her?"
Him: "She's one of the top singers on MySpace...she's the #2 most famous chick on there..."
Me: "Second to Tila Tequila?"
Him: "Yeah. ((Insert name))"
Me: ((shrugs)) Note: I tried to do a search for the top females on myspace and other than Tila, i couldn't find any name resembling the one he said. So Miss Thang is full of crap.
Him: ((shrugs back at me))

Then there was a long pause...while we're still waiting for our stuff...

Me: "You didn't have any idea that she was psycho? Was she hot?"
Him: "yeah, but hot doesn't matter. Personality matters" yeah right "It doesn't matter how hot you are if you've got a bad personality. She was 30 and crazy"
Me: "well if she's hot and 30 and a singer, then you had to figure something was wrong...right?"
Him: "yeah. Plus she says I owe her money for a gift. When we were dating she took some photos 'cause she's a photographer for my album cover, and now that we're broken up she says I owe her"
Me: "how much?"
Him: "Probably over a grand"
me: "Is she really going to pursue it? The cost of a lawyer would be more expensive than that..."

Him: "Well she's got a contract so the recording company can send lawyers after me, she wouldn't pay"
Me: "oh, trust me, she'll end up paying. You didn't sign anything?"
Him: "Nope, no contract. But she says it was an oral agreement"
Me: "Oral agreeements are highly overrated."

Then he asked me about my phone (EnV) and started saying how he wanted an iPhone, I told him that unless you're willing to pay for all the services it's kind of a ripoff, then he got his package (not from teh exgirlfriend), and he went on his merry way.

And that folks, is a Scene From a Post Office.

More stupid random thoughts

So for a serious lack of having any opinion or anything to write about, i'm forcing myself to blog even though I have no topic in mind.

First off....Transformers. I've been waiting for what seems to be a lifetime for it to come out. It was highly entertaining, however there's a few flaws that bugged me (regular people probably won't care, but if you grew up with Transformers, this stuff will bug you):

1. Megatron is a GUN people. Don't make him a jet. That's puts him on the same playing field as Starscream.

2. The level of detail was TOO much...i couldn't tell who was an Autobot, who was a Decepticon, and when they were fighting i couldn't tell what was an arm vs. a leg...

3. Okay I get that Volkswagon wouldn't let Bumblebee be a Bug, but did they ALL need to be american cars?!

4. Somehow a small car turned into a MASSIVE robot...it wasn't exactly to scale. Whenever the cars transformed I was like 'WTF...i really doubt the pieces to a car would end up making it the size of a high rise"...

5. The computer people. Come ON. NO COMPUTER MAKES LITTLE HIGH PITCH NOISES WHEN IT'S PROCESSING. If it did, you'd keep it on mute. It would drive you NUTS to hear those sounds all day. Plus, i really doubt that out of all the people the CIA/FBI could find ont ehp lanet, it's this dude who lives close to the pentagon (and lives with his mom while he plays Dance Dance Revolution all day) is the one who can break the "code" within a split second.

6. AND...there's no gorgeous hot computer programmers that are like 25 and considered the top in the world.

7. Back to Megatron...at least OPtimus Prime looked like the cartoon...but Megatron looked NOTHING like the cartoon, which is kinda crappy when the only reason you're watching the movie is because you grew up with the toys.

Compare:

vs.


So all of that griping aside, it was a pretty entertaining movie. Shia LeBeouf (which translates to "the beef" in case anyone cares) steals the show with his deadpan one-liners. He'll be great in Indiana Jones. As for Megan Fox...well she plays the typical hot badass chick. Which i don't expect her to get overly jacked up, and her clothes stayed on the whole movie, but geezus the last pan of her face at the end of the massive fight showed she was wearing fake eyelashes...COME ON PEOPLE...for you guys otu there, that's the equivalent of seeign Nicholas Cage's fake hair weave up close.

I give it 7.5 out of 10, but if just want entertainment then i give it 8 out of 10 (it loses .5 for wandering off the original characters).

I also saw Children of Men...pretty entertaining, not a fantastic movie but definitely one of those movies that gets you to think. They did alot of crazy camera moves too, which was interesting to see (almost documentary style).

But the true hero of the movie wasn't Clive Owen...ohhh no, it's this psycho homeless chick:


I tried to find a YouTube video of her going beserk but i couldn't find anything. When Theo (Clive Owen) is being attacked and you think he's done for, crazy HomelessChick comes out of NOWHERE and whacks him with a big flintstones' size bone...chicky needs her own movie.

Alot of tv shows wrapped up and some are starting anew. 4400 finally kicked off, and I'm eagerly anticipating Scott Baio is 45...and single and Brett Michael's Rock of Love. Plus I just saw a commercial for a show called I Hate My 30s. Fabulous summer indeed.

In other random news, still trying to nail down a flooring guy (ha ha...get the pun...haaa...)...our carpets are jacked up to the nth degree.

And that's pretty much it. Home improvement mode. TV watching mode. Oh and I've got my Citizenship test on August 17th or somethingl ike that. I just love using my vacation days to sit in a government building (without a cell phone) to be grilled on history questions and personal questions like i'm on trial.

That's what she said...

Yes, it's been a lifetime since i've written. Mostly 'cause i haven't had much to say. ("They come mostly at night. Mostly.")

Last night I got my tv watching on with Carrie and Nicole...Carrie stuck around to watch the 1st episode of the UK version of The Office. The US one is almost play-by-play off the British one, but dang it was hard to understand their language. Instead of saying "layoffs" they say "redundancies".

Anyway so I scoped it out online, and turns out there's a trillion other Offices out there.
First we have the "true" first episode, the British one:


Now compare against the US version:


Jim kicks ass, no matter what country he's in.

Now the French (France French, not Canadian French) version, which somehow replaces the jello with cheese...I guess jello isn't a common dessert in France?

Le Bureau (which translates verbatum to "the desk" but I guess that's another word for office as well...):


Now I have no idea if the Quebecois version ever did the jello/cheese shtick, 'cause I guess it was only on some random subscription station and only in January got aired on other channels, so searching for it is brutal on You Tube ('cause it's called "La Job" (which yes, means, The Job) ends up with mostly Steve Jobs Apple crap):



And finally, the German version, which started off not being The Office (it's an insurance company, not a paper company) but the British Office people sued the Stromberg people 'cause it's pretty obvious even without understanding the language who is Michael, Jim, and Dwight (or David, british Jim, and Gareth):


And there you have it. The more you know.

Blog link

By request :)

Blog: The OC Mama
Post: Baby Elias Auctions
http://stephrenee.blogspot.com/2007/06/baby-elias-auctions.html

My new mantra....

Not that I enjoy admitting that I read chick lit, but Undomestic Goddess (Sophie Kinsella) was a pretty funny quick read. There's a passage from it that has become my new outlook on life:
If I've learned one lesson from all that's happened to me, it's that there is no such as the biggest mistake of your existence. There's no such thing as ruining your life. Life's pretty resilient thing, it turns out

I'm the type to dwell on the past, to dwell on wrongdoings, to dwell on issues with people from decades ago...it was like being slapped in the face of reality. Simple, common sense, yet brilliant.

Let's see what else is up...

Somehow my "to do" list has gotten huge, and on that list is email EVERYONE that i owe an email to...my chicks from San Jose (Wendy, Marlene, Jen, Jeana, Marcella...)...including Shelly....gotta email Suzanne...some of the chicks I've recently met here...a billion people in Ottawa (HAPPY BIRTHDAY BRYAN! YOUR TEXT ALMOST MADE ME CRY!)...

Tonight I decided to tackle the garden. Or really, the ghetto chunk of mud in my backyard that is a pitiful excuse for a garden. Seriously, the amount of mud that i've got is equivalent to the size of a baby crib. But every winter I tend to neglect the life going on out there and by spring it's like some frickin' nature preserve back there.

2 years ago my mom came and visited, she cut my plants down to barely anything. I screamed at her that she had ruined everything because there were no leaves and plants need leaves for photosynthesis, blah blah (yeah way to use elementary school science class....25 years later...)...well turns out, Mom was right...you gotta snip that crap in order to encourage new growth....

Well anyway I hadn't done much to it since my mom chopped it up...and now i'm like "mother effer, when did this stuff get so insane"...

The previous owners had a bit of mint planted...have you ever seen mint? It's pretty easy to rip out if you get at it soon enough...riiigghtt....who knew that mint stems can actually turn to BARK?! That's just crazy talk!

So the sun was setting and I wanted to get a start on chopping up the madness growing out there, and while I was hacking away at the lavender (which is like chopping Medusa's hair) I remembered something a coworker told me today...that rats hang out in Home Depot's plant sections...and I thought of Morris the Rat and how maybe his thug cousins wanted to come back to mess me up...so I'm on my knees pruning away at this crazy bush (hmmm that can be taken out of context i'm sure) and the entire time I'm freaking out that a bunch of rats are going to scurry out and maul me.

In quick tv wrap up:

Marlene: so sad that they canceled What About Brian!

Hell's Kitchen started up again, I forgot how brilliant that show is. One dude keeps CRYING even before anything even's started.

You're CRYING? There's no crying in baseball...err...cooking!

Flavor of Love's Charm School just gets better and better. In fact, I nominate this week's episode for an Emmy. Brooke (aka Pumkin yes spelled that way aka The Chick Who Spit on NewYork) became slutatious at the Charm School prom night. The task: weed out all the scumbags and mama's boys to find the one true Renaissance Man. Brooke's tactic: flat out asking the guy's whether they like to f*ck or make love, whether they agree that more than a mouthful is a waste, blah blah....girl is quite possibly the dumbest whore to exist. And she's one of the few with a degree...a teaching degree!

I'm super excited for Confessions of a Matchmaker, on A&E. In another world, I would have studied the psychology between men and women. So far, the commercials hint at exactly that. Kah-toe-mahhh tay!

In case anyone is as immature as I am and might care: Frankie from Real World: San Diego died! Dang!

And to wrap this up...I went to the Life Celebration (i.e. Memorial Service) for Gina this past weekend...in case anyone ever met her or remembered me talking about her...she was one of the few genuine and sweetest people I've ever been lucky enough to have in my life.

Spend a night in Paris

By now the whole world knows Paris Hilton got out early.

And the whole world is pretty much pissed (except for Paris and Kathy of course).

Is this the alleged rash?

I'm actually livid. Full on, angry, vein-popping-out-of-my-head livid.

There's nothing I could write here that hasn't already been said all over the web. Saying that she's already served 5 days (why, 'cause she checked in 2 minutes early Sunday night?! WTF is that about?! And then getting out the morning of the 5th day?!) is already a slap in the face of...well everyone who pays taxes for LA County (I don't, but dammit, i live close enough for it to make a difference).

I am absolutely floored that so far no prison guards or county medical people or ANYONE from the "inside" hasn't leaked the truth. I really would rather have had them say that she's a celebrity and she got out because she cried. I'd feel less insulted.

There is NO medical condition that would stop her from being in jail. There's women who are pregnant and give BIRTH in prison. And this alleged rash...how does being at home help it? Oh, the uniforms aren't rinsed in fabric softener? No kidding, that's why jail is punishment.

Other sources say it was purely psychological, that she couldn't hack it in prison and was pretty much having a nervous breakdown. She had her own private cell for eff's sake. Her version of prison is what people on the outside live each day.

Then there's the issue of food. She complained to her family daily that the hot dogs and jello were just nasty.Well...once again...hence why it's called PRISON. I'd hate eating prison hot dogs too. (well, actually i like hot dogs, but i'm guessing prison hot dogs are made of mystery meat). But that's also why I don't effing drive with a DUI or with a suspended license! 'Cause I don't want itchy orange jumpsuits, unknown-meat hot dogs, and metal toilets.

I gotta see if I can write to whatever department is in charge of this. Maybe I can call their PR person, Steve Whitmore. Maybe I can call and just harass the crap out of them. Either way, if I don't do something, i'll end up with an unspecified medical condition.

You are a running queen, young and sweet, only seventeen....

Good luck to Carrie who's got her crazy ass long marathon this weekend.

Go Sens...no really...c'mon Sens! GO DAMMIT!

I've spent the past 7 years getting ripped on for being Canadian, and every week I hear some retarded comment coming from someone like it was the first time I've heard their moronic wisecrack.

Dear Americans: I've heard EVERYTHING already. All it does is annoy me NOT because of the comment, but because it's boring me to tears hearing all the wisecracks.

In other news, mutha effing Senators, i NEED you to win. You don't understand. The last barrage of wisecracks come from coworkers and rather than go on about how they can shove the Ducks up their ass, I'd rather bring my Sens towel to work with pride and say "yeah...you may own alotta things...but Canadians live eat breathe hockey!"....

From "best of" craigslist (I'd give credit to the poster, but there was obviously no name or email addy to give credit to) for this:

Dear Anaheim resident who posted on Ottawa.craigslist in Rants and Raves,

Re: your posting entitled "hockey?"

Thank you soooo much for your lovely posting about the upcoming Ducks/Sens finals. Your instincts are spot on, of course, for Canadians love to be belittled by Americans not only with respect to our national pastime but on the grounds of our mere existence as well!

It was so considerate of you to get up on your Southern California soapbox in an attempt to inform your poor, deprived, igloo-dwelling neighbours to the North about things we’ve never known. In particular I think we really appreciated learning that hockey has never even been on your radar because of the “…plethora of choices regarding how to fill free time…there are sports, such as baseball, or basketball.” Well, whaddya know! For a few decades there I think we really believed that hockey was itself a sport; we can’t thank you enough for pointing out the error of our ways. I mean, ninety years of professional-level competition in North America, people for whom the game is a full-time job, a standard set of rules by which one must play, a nine-month NHL playing season in which there are televised matches every week, multi-million-dollar contracts for boys in men’s bodies, organized leagues for kids, adults and seniors – male and female – across Canada, the US and Europe… oh yes, and the men’s and women’s teams at the winter Olympics, the mother of all sporting competitions. Clearly nothing about hockey qualifies it as a sport, and it’s simply that we Canadians have been mistaken these past 150-odd years. Thanks to you, Anaheimer, we will all start watching real sports from now on. I’m sure you’ll have a list of stellar recommendations like NASCAR and WWE.

Of course, with the abundance of outdoor things to do in sunny SoCal, such as “…mountains to hike or ride a bicycle in [and] the gorgeous pacific ocean to swim in or sun ourselves beside.” Well – Canada certainly has no mountains. I mean, the Rockies definitely don’t extend into Alberta or British Columbia, and the Appalachians haven’t dominated the northern Québec landscape for the past umpteen millennia. There’s certainly no thought of hiking or biking through these nonexistent mountains. We wouldn’t dream of going hiking in our snowshoes, and we’ve never even heard of this bicycle you mentioned – does it work like a dogsled team, but with the dogs pulling a two-wheeled sled? And swimming? Forget swimming, I’m sure no one in Canada has ever even thought about this ocean of which you speak, especially not any of the 3 million people living in the greater Vancouver and greater Victoria metro areas. Now granted Ottawa isn’t even remotely near the Pacific, but even still, there’s no way you’d catch anyone from this city swimming in or taking the sun by the Ottawa River, the St. Lawrence, Lake Ontario, or any of the hundreds of other body of water in a hundred-kilometre radius. I mean, what would we be thinking – swimming, in the outdoors, in late May, in Canada? Nonsense, we’re still in our parkas!

But what has really impressed us, Anaheimer, is actually not the way in which you so joyfully condescend towards us about sports and leisure. Although we’re eternally grateful for all that your posting has taught us about the great outdoors, that’s not what impresses us most. Nor did our jaws drop at your unequivocal prediction about two teams and a game you self-professedly “…don’t know shit about.” Rather, we are fully in awe over your ability to honestly and unapologetically be forthcoming about your own ignorance:

“[A]lso, since we're being open and honest here, until about 12 hours ago i'd never even heard of ottowa [sic].”

Wow, Anaheimer – we can only imagine how much courage and strength of character that kind of declaration required. How admirable! I mean, to tell the world that you’d never even heard of Ottawa! That takes guts. Of course, I’m sure in your case the ignorance you profess is forgivable. After all, there’s certainly no reason for Ottawa to appear on your radar. As Canada’s fourth-largest city, host of a half-dozen of internationally-acclaimed festivals such as Winterlude and BluesFest, and the seat of the Canadian federal government and the Supreme Court, not to mention its location just 95km north of a U.S. border and its job as this year’s host to the FIFA U-20 World Cup (oh wait, maybe football, or soccer as you call it, isn’t a sport either?), there’s simply no reason you should ever have heard of Ottawa. I can understand completely how Ottawa could fail to catch your attention in the recent past. I mean, really, our annual murder rate of under 40 victims in a city of 1.5 million is too low to draw attention to the city. And it’s not like anything controversial ever happens here – the permissive marijuana laws we enjoy, our legalization of gay marriage, our outspoken disapproval of the invasion of Iraq, and the extremely antagonistic relationship between your quick-witted, upstanding, brilliant president and our human-rights supporting, left-leaning, multilingual former Prime Minister Chrétien, all of which came out of Ottawa, certainly did not garner the attention of fair and unbiased American news sources such as FoxNews or CNN. Oh and by the way, your consistent misspelling Ottawa in your post is a brilliantly effective way of driving your point home. Excellent tactic.

So thank you, Anaheimer, for reminding those of us in Ottawa, and Canadians in general, of how insignificant we are in the grand scheme of things. Now that we know that Southern California’s offerings in terms of the great outdoors are vastly superior to the paltry oceans, forests, lakes, mountains, ski hills, hiking trails, white water rapids, national parks, waterfalls and wildlife reserves that are within a short distance of Ottawa, we’ve realized the errors of our ways. Perhaps if we were to model ourselves after you by doing such things as swimming when it’s warm, cycling (whatever that means) to get to work, playing sports or “laying out” (translation for Canadians: this is American-speak for what is grammatically correctly referred to as "taking the sun," "tanning," or "voluntarily inducing skin cancer") the average Joe could really learn to appreciate, treasure and preserve all of the pleasures of the outdoors. And you know, we could learn a thing or two from people like you about how to acknowledge, respect and learn from people of other nations and cultures. Although it would mean that we would have to forget everything we’ve ever learned about current affairs and geography, unquestioningly assume that if it didn’t originate in America it’s not worth our time, proclaim our superior certainty on subjects we’re certain only that we know nothing about, and unabashedly profess our ignorance of basic general knowledge for the whole world to hear, well then tabarnac les amies et amis, we’d certainly be better off doing so if it meant we could be more like you.

I mean, after all, what Canadian wouldn’t want everyone else on the planet to think we’re a bunch of self-righteous, ignorant fucks?

Yours truly,

Woman from Montréal who Doesn’t Give a Shit About Hockey


Now the point that i'm trying to make isn't that Ottawa is fabulous. To be honest, I really do understand why Californians haven't heard of it. There's just too much stuff going on here to warrant any news on the REST of the US, let alone a whole other country. So unless Canada gets bombed, odds are we're not going to hear about it 'cause we've got plenty of random stuff to make the news here.

I think my point is really that us Canadians are bitter people. Bittterrrr. We're sick of being ripped on.

But really Canada...you should take PRIDE in your anonymity. California is a fantastic place to live, and I dig the OC...but what with this whole illegal immigration issue one thing is clear: once word gets out that a place is awesome, then EVERYONE wants to go there.

So...Enjoy being obscure. Canada's got some pretty awesome stuff (as listed in the post) but the whole world doesn't need to know. Really. Just appreciate what you've got and leave it at that. Maybe one day i'll be able to move back home, and I don't want to have it all go to hell.

At least the Craigslister didn't point out that Alex Trebek and William Shatner are Canadian...that's just grasping at straws.

Wicked

So for our anniversary Kraig and I saw Wicked at the Pantages Theater.



Now here's my disclaimer: I never actually saw Wizard of Oz in full. I know the gist of it, but not all the details. My mother did however take me to see Return to Oz in 1985, but that doesn't make a diff.

So Wicked takes us back to the wee days when the Wicked Witch of the West (named Elphaba) is born as a result of her mom whoring herself to some dude who liked to drink green goo. Green sperm = green baby and mommy's husband hates Elphaba from the start.

Fast forward to the Saved By The Bell: The Witchy Years edition, and Elphaba is stuck going to some fancy shmancy boarding school as a caretaker for her younger sister Nessa, who's confined to a wheelchair. Daddy is apparently a governer. He gives Nessa a pair of silver sparkly slippers as "good luck in college" gift, and Elphaba gets a "don't f*ck this up, watch your little sister".

Naturally everyone's freaked out by Elphaba's green skin, so she gets the typical Molly Ringwald "freak" label. She's stuck rooming with Galinda ("That's Galinda with a Gah"), the popular blond who wants to be a witch but is more interested in the hot rebel Fiyero. The school headmistress realizes Elphaba's got special powers and makes it her pet project to encourage Elphaba's freakish talents so that one day she can meet The Wizard.

Turns out that in Oz, there's crazy racism...against animals. In Oz, animals can talk...but the hillbilly people for the most part are edging out talking animals. The last Teacher Animal (a goat) gets the boot (so much for unions) and in they bring some Nazi type dude who's all for teaching how to ensure animals never talk: by keeping them in cages.

So...you like some goat-on-green-girl action?

Elphaba's a wannabe PETA chick so she gets all pissed off, everything gets all sketchy, she and Fiyero catnap the Nazi dude's lion cub so they can bring him to safety. Naturally the lion cub is freaked out (...cowardly much?), Elphaba falls for Fiyero, Fiyero falls for Elphaba even though Galinda wants a piece of his man meat.

Yadda yadda, everyone hates Elphaba, they tease her, they think she'll melt if she gets wet, Galinda gives her the ugly pointed hat that her aunt sent her...but when they all skip out to go clubbing, Galinda ends up sticking up for Elphaba when everyone laughs at her for trying to shake her groove thang.

That night, Elphaba and Galinda (who eventually changes her name to "Glinda...the GAH is silent" to support the Goat Teacher who could never pronounce her name right) do some girl bonding by means of a makeover. Glinda confesses that she's going to marry Fiyero (he just doesn't know it yet) and Elphaba confesses that her sister is in a wheelchair because her dad was so disgusted by her green skin, he made her mom eat milkflowers during her pregnancy which of course jacked up the baby. They realize they're the best of friends.

Yay, time for a makeover! Then we can play Girltalk and use those zit stickers

Finally Elphaba gets a chance to meet the Wizard and Glinda wonders wtf is going on with Fiyero so she decides to hitch a ride with Elphaba to the Emerald City. And since everything is green in the Emerald City, Elphaba looks pretty normal. Don't know if they make green foundation, but its a start.

Does this color make me look fat?

When they go to meet the Wizard, he cons Elphaba into reading a passage in the Grimmerie, a sorcery book. Turns out, the Wizard is a two-bit hack and the college Headmistress lady is along for his evil plans. After Elphaba inadvertently gives monkeys wings, she realized the Wizard is an a-hole who is the cause for the Animals Shouldn't Talk movement. The Wizard spins everything by making it look like Elphaba is an evil witch....she gets crazy pissed off, steals the Grimmerie, creates herself a flying broom, and attempts to get Glinda to run off with her.

Glinda gets her panties in a bunch too scared to go so she says "i'll catcha later...no seriously....really...". Note that any spell can't be undone. Elphaba sneaks over to her sister's place...at this point her dad has died and Nessa is now the Governor. Governator. Whatever. Nessa's guilt tripped an old schoolmate Bac into staying by her side, even though Bac has always been in love with Glinda. Days of our Lives much? yep.

Nessa's pissed at Elphaba for not hooking up with some working legs, and Elphaba says there isn't a spell for everything BUT she can make those silver slippers make her walk...after Bac clues in, he's all "you don't need me, so catch ya on the west siiyed", Nessa gets pissed and attempt to read a spell from the Grimmerie. Bac's heart gets all jacked up, so Elphaba turns him into a Tin Man so that he'll never need that heart. Nessa blames Elphaba for this whole thing.

So basically Oz loves Glinda who's their little cheerleader, the school headmistress is now the Wizard's PR person, and the Wizard is a dick who likes to cage flying monkeys. The town's all pissed off at Elphaba 'cause they think she's an evil witch, a lion is all pissed off 'cause he says Elphaba is the reason he's cowardly, Bac blames her for being a tin man...oh the humanity.

Fiyero is the head of the army, but it comes out that he's still in love with Elphaba. Glinda gets all pissed off and tells the headmistress that to get to Elphaba, they have to get to Nessa. The headmistress starts up a storm, the house falls on Nessa, a "little girl and her dog" swipe Nessa's shoes, and Elphaba gets PISSED 'cause she wants her sister's shoes back. The rest of hte army takes Fiyero and gets ready to torture him on a Jesus-style cross...so Elphaba turns him into a scarecrow so that he'll never feel pain and he'll never die.

Or maybe she likes to get her freak on with men made of straw.

Glinda realizes that Elphaba's her best friend and who cares if Fiyero loves her instead. Elphaba just wants to off herself...she gives the Grimmerie book to Glinda and tells Glinda to NOT make excuses for her or try to redeem her after her death. The "little girl and her dog" splash water on Elphaba, and she melts....

Glinda puts the smackdown on the Wizard and the headmistress by banishing them, after realizing that the Wizard is the green goo drinker...and he's the a-hole who made everyone hate his own daughter.

Glinda then becomes the Good Witch, while we see that Elphaba never died...she and Fiyero ran off to live happily ever after.

If you have the chance to see it, I HIGHLY recommend it!