I absolutely love this video. Kinda makes me wish I was more creative.
In other news...I'm starting to think that my love for all things teenie-bopper-ish is kinda pathetic. Last night I was ecstatic to discover that the CW posts their full-length shows online for free, so I caught up on last week's Gossip Girl...then I saw the new episode...and honest to God, i think I squealed in delight at one point.
Just sad. Sad and pathetic. My clothing options are starting to become limited now too. Sarah and I chatted the other day how great it used to be to be able to wear super cute short skirts...ummm yeah first off cellulite won't let that happen anymore, secondly even if I could I'd look like a complete moron. I saw an adorable thermal top with little bunnies on it, but there comes a point where if you're a bit older, and you're wearing stuff with animals...well then you might as well break out the Bedazzler as well.
Sigh sigh.
Thursday, December 06, 2007
Wednesday, December 05, 2007
Stella....STELLLLLLLLAAAA...
Disclaimer: the following post is not about what a guy SHOULD know...it's about what he MUST know. And by "must know", I mean: "must know in order to date a chick so that her friends don't say dang girl, he doesn't know how to do X, Y, Z? Dump his ass". Not "must know in order to succeed in life" or something retarded like that. So yes, a guy should/must know say how to change an innertube on his non-mountain bike...but that's not exactly make-or-break criteria when it comes to dating a guy.
So Carrie found this article about 25 things every guy should know. Figured...it was time for my commentary.
1. Patch a Radiator Hose
Steam hissing from a ruptured radiator hose? Here's a relatively easy, temporary fix with duct tape.
I dont' know about that one...maybe because it's never come up in my life, so why would a dude ever need to do this? Where is the radiator hose? or maybe because I'm a chick I'm clueless about the importance of this.
2. Protect Your Computer
Viruses and spyware can unleash a host of evils upon your PC, ranging from annoying pop-ups to a zombie system takeover.
This isn't what a guy should know how to do...it's what a guy SHOULD do. And woman. I think this list needs to narrow down what a guy MUST know (which in turn is what a woman SHOULD know...but doesn't need to).
3. Rescue a Boater Who Has Capsized
When you come upon a capsized boat, approach with caution: The cause of the accident or debris in the water could render you a victim as well.
Hmmm, I guess it's good if you're with a friend...but I wouldn't hold it against a guy if he didn't know how to do this.
4. Frame a Wall
It's the basic partition — an interior, non-load-bearing wall with a door opening. Here's how to frame it, so you can divide your basement into a really useful storage area and a totally indulgent man space — say, a big-screen sports den.
I'll worry about it when I live in a place where this could be an option. If you live in a big city (i.e. where you rent), i wouldn't hold it against a guy if he didn't know how to do that.
5. Retouch Digital Photos
Some shots are too flawed to fix with a click on autocorrect. Here's how to perform surgery on digital images with nearly any photo-editing software.
I disagree. Guys dont' give a crap about how they look in pictures (well, enough to retouch it). Guys should know how to screw around with Photoshop to put their friends faces on someone else's body as a joke...but not to fix flaws. If anything, that's something we chicks should know.
6. Back Up a Trailer
If you're doing this without a spotter, put your left hand at six o'clock on the steering wheel, and drape your right hand over the seatback. As you back up, move your steering hand in the direction you want the trailer to go.
Define "trailer"...like anything with a box with wheels attached to it? Like a U-Haul or a camper thing? Yeah, dude should know how to drive one of those things. Short of flying ap lane, guys should know how to drive all other vehicles.
7. Build a Campfire
Obviously. This is a necessity. If a guy can't build fire, get rid of him. In this day and age, that means if a guy cant' figure out how to turn onthe BBQ. Call me shallow, i don't care, but I once had to show a guy how to turn on a propane BBQ and clearly his balls fell off in the process.
8. Fix a Dead Outlet
If the lamp goes out, but the bulb's not fried, it's time to check the outlet. Once you turn off the breaker, here's how to fix the usual suspects.
True dat.
9. Navigate with a Map and Compass
Though GPS may seem ubiquitous, it doesn't work everywhere. Mountains and dense tree cover can knock out sat signals — and batteries can die. Here's how to roam the backcountry with a compass and topo map.
Hmmm, this would imply that you're not near civilization. Which means you're camping. In true nature (notl ike nature where your car is right next to your tent). So if you're a chick like me and you don't care about nature, then you don't need to worry if the dude can do this.
10. Use a Torque Wrench
Using a torque wrench the wrong way leads to incorrectly tightened fasteners, which can spell trouble for your machinery.
I have no idea what a torque wrench is so I can't gauge if it's important for a guy to know how to use it. Oh wait, I looked it up:
How can you screw up using one of those things?!
11. Sharpen a Knife
A knife may be the most elemental of all human tools — but only if it's sharp.
Hmmm...yeah that sounds about right. Honing is important to knife maintenance, and using one of those sharpening tools from Target is gonna jack up yer knife. I approve.
12. Perform CPR
Most people have an idea of how to perform cardiopulmonary resuscitation (CPR) on a person whose heart has stopped, but you may not have taken a course in years.
Another thing that's more like guys (and women) SHOULD know. Would I think less of a guy if he didn't know this? Nope. But it's definitely valuable info nonetheless.
13. Fillet a Fish
Set the scene with a flat surface and an appropriate knife — any long, thin, flexible and sharp blade will do, but for larger fish you might need a stiffer blade. Make your first cut behind the pectoral fin or gill cover, angling the tip of the knife slightly toward the head.
I can't stand fish. I don't want to be around a dude to see if he's mastered this skill. This isn't effing Iron Chef.
14. Maneuver a Car out of a Skid
Although there isn't much you can do when your car is pirouetting out of control, you can maneuver out of two basic types of skids before things get messy.
PLEASE! If you've lived anywhere with snow then this is a given. If you don't know how to do this,you'd be dead.
15. Get a Car Unstuck
When you're stuck, don't gun the engine to get out — the tires will only dig in deeper.
See #14. Or in my case, just get a boatload of people to help push.
16. Back Up Data
Don't put off backing up your files until it's too late.
Another "should do" as opposed to "must know"...this isn't a question of a dude's manliness...this is a question of his ability to think ahead, think strategically, and be responsible for his crap.
17. Paint a Room
Good paint jobs start before the first can of paint is opened.
How big of a moron are you if you can't prep and paint a room?
18. Mix Concrete
If you're going to use more than a cubic yard of concrete — a 9 x 9-ft. pad, 4 in. thick — call a Redi-Mix vendor.
I can't imagine a situation where I would need someone to mix concrete for me, unless it's for a major home renovation that involved hiring a dude to do it for me.
19. Clean a Bolt-Action Rifle
Clean a what now?!
20. Change Oil and Filter
Every 3000 miles you can commune with your car when you change the oil.
HIGHLY agree with this one. This should be #2 on the list after how to make a fire.
21. Hook Up an HDTV
Well...I have an HDTV...but I don't subscribe to it...so if it's a question of hooking up tv, obviously. How hard can it be to set up an HD receiver with a tv?
22. Bleed Brakes
When the brake pedal starts to feel spongy, it's time to bleed your brakes.
No idea what this is, but it's your brakes so it seems like it's something a dude should know how to do. However this will never come up in conversation, so trying to test a guy's knowledge on this is a bit sketchy.
23. Paddle a Canoe
Would require caring about nature.
24. Fix a Bike Flat
WRONG! This should NOT be on the list. If a guy is fixing a flat it means he's back home, and if your'e back home and you're so desperate to FIX the tire rather than buy a new one, then you've got issues that go beyond what any chick would want to deal with. And if you've got like $5000 tires on your bike...well then your name is Lance Armstrong and you and your one ball can suck it.
25. Extend Your Wireless Network
You've got a laptop that, ideally, you'd like to use anywhere in your house. But the strength of your wireless Internet fades between floors and behind thick walls.
I think anyone with a pulse should know how to do this, not just dudes.
This list is missing something VERY important: a guy NEEDS to know how to drive stick. That's a non-issue. I don't care if he'll never own a car with manual transmission...he better still know how to drive one. Or else. Or else what? Exactly.
So Carrie found this article about 25 things every guy should know. Figured...it was time for my commentary.
1. Patch a Radiator Hose
Steam hissing from a ruptured radiator hose? Here's a relatively easy, temporary fix with duct tape.
I dont' know about that one...maybe because it's never come up in my life, so why would a dude ever need to do this? Where is the radiator hose? or maybe because I'm a chick I'm clueless about the importance of this.
2. Protect Your Computer
Viruses and spyware can unleash a host of evils upon your PC, ranging from annoying pop-ups to a zombie system takeover.
This isn't what a guy should know how to do...it's what a guy SHOULD do. And woman. I think this list needs to narrow down what a guy MUST know (which in turn is what a woman SHOULD know...but doesn't need to).
3. Rescue a Boater Who Has Capsized
When you come upon a capsized boat, approach with caution: The cause of the accident or debris in the water could render you a victim as well.
Hmmm, I guess it's good if you're with a friend...but I wouldn't hold it against a guy if he didn't know how to do this.
4. Frame a Wall
It's the basic partition — an interior, non-load-bearing wall with a door opening. Here's how to frame it, so you can divide your basement into a really useful storage area and a totally indulgent man space — say, a big-screen sports den.
I'll worry about it when I live in a place where this could be an option. If you live in a big city (i.e. where you rent), i wouldn't hold it against a guy if he didn't know how to do that.
5. Retouch Digital Photos
Some shots are too flawed to fix with a click on autocorrect. Here's how to perform surgery on digital images with nearly any photo-editing software.
I disagree. Guys dont' give a crap about how they look in pictures (well, enough to retouch it). Guys should know how to screw around with Photoshop to put their friends faces on someone else's body as a joke...but not to fix flaws. If anything, that's something we chicks should know.
6. Back Up a Trailer
If you're doing this without a spotter, put your left hand at six o'clock on the steering wheel, and drape your right hand over the seatback. As you back up, move your steering hand in the direction you want the trailer to go.
Define "trailer"...like anything with a box with wheels attached to it? Like a U-Haul or a camper thing? Yeah, dude should know how to drive one of those things. Short of flying ap lane, guys should know how to drive all other vehicles.
7. Build a Campfire
Obviously. This is a necessity. If a guy can't build fire, get rid of him. In this day and age, that means if a guy cant' figure out how to turn onthe BBQ. Call me shallow, i don't care, but I once had to show a guy how to turn on a propane BBQ and clearly his balls fell off in the process.
8. Fix a Dead Outlet
If the lamp goes out, but the bulb's not fried, it's time to check the outlet. Once you turn off the breaker, here's how to fix the usual suspects.
True dat.
9. Navigate with a Map and Compass
Though GPS may seem ubiquitous, it doesn't work everywhere. Mountains and dense tree cover can knock out sat signals — and batteries can die. Here's how to roam the backcountry with a compass and topo map.
Hmmm, this would imply that you're not near civilization. Which means you're camping. In true nature (notl ike nature where your car is right next to your tent). So if you're a chick like me and you don't care about nature, then you don't need to worry if the dude can do this.
10. Use a Torque Wrench
Using a torque wrench the wrong way leads to incorrectly tightened fasteners, which can spell trouble for your machinery.
I have no idea what a torque wrench is so I can't gauge if it's important for a guy to know how to use it. Oh wait, I looked it up:
How can you screw up using one of those things?!
11. Sharpen a Knife
A knife may be the most elemental of all human tools — but only if it's sharp.
Hmmm...yeah that sounds about right. Honing is important to knife maintenance, and using one of those sharpening tools from Target is gonna jack up yer knife. I approve.
12. Perform CPR
Most people have an idea of how to perform cardiopulmonary resuscitation (CPR) on a person whose heart has stopped, but you may not have taken a course in years.
Another thing that's more like guys (and women) SHOULD know. Would I think less of a guy if he didn't know this? Nope. But it's definitely valuable info nonetheless.
13. Fillet a Fish
Set the scene with a flat surface and an appropriate knife — any long, thin, flexible and sharp blade will do, but for larger fish you might need a stiffer blade. Make your first cut behind the pectoral fin or gill cover, angling the tip of the knife slightly toward the head.
I can't stand fish. I don't want to be around a dude to see if he's mastered this skill. This isn't effing Iron Chef.
14. Maneuver a Car out of a Skid
Although there isn't much you can do when your car is pirouetting out of control, you can maneuver out of two basic types of skids before things get messy.
PLEASE! If you've lived anywhere with snow then this is a given. If you don't know how to do this,you'd be dead.
15. Get a Car Unstuck
When you're stuck, don't gun the engine to get out — the tires will only dig in deeper.
See #14. Or in my case, just get a boatload of people to help push.
16. Back Up Data
Don't put off backing up your files until it's too late.
Another "should do" as opposed to "must know"...this isn't a question of a dude's manliness...this is a question of his ability to think ahead, think strategically, and be responsible for his crap.
17. Paint a Room
Good paint jobs start before the first can of paint is opened.
How big of a moron are you if you can't prep and paint a room?
18. Mix Concrete
If you're going to use more than a cubic yard of concrete — a 9 x 9-ft. pad, 4 in. thick — call a Redi-Mix vendor.
I can't imagine a situation where I would need someone to mix concrete for me, unless it's for a major home renovation that involved hiring a dude to do it for me.
19. Clean a Bolt-Action Rifle
Clean a what now?!
20. Change Oil and Filter
Every 3000 miles you can commune with your car when you change the oil.
HIGHLY agree with this one. This should be #2 on the list after how to make a fire.
21. Hook Up an HDTV
Well...I have an HDTV...but I don't subscribe to it...so if it's a question of hooking up tv, obviously. How hard can it be to set up an HD receiver with a tv?
22. Bleed Brakes
When the brake pedal starts to feel spongy, it's time to bleed your brakes.
No idea what this is, but it's your brakes so it seems like it's something a dude should know how to do. However this will never come up in conversation, so trying to test a guy's knowledge on this is a bit sketchy.
23. Paddle a Canoe
Would require caring about nature.
24. Fix a Bike Flat
WRONG! This should NOT be on the list. If a guy is fixing a flat it means he's back home, and if your'e back home and you're so desperate to FIX the tire rather than buy a new one, then you've got issues that go beyond what any chick would want to deal with. And if you've got like $5000 tires on your bike...well then your name is Lance Armstrong and you and your one ball can suck it.
25. Extend Your Wireless Network
You've got a laptop that, ideally, you'd like to use anywhere in your house. But the strength of your wireless Internet fades between floors and behind thick walls.
I think anyone with a pulse should know how to do this, not just dudes.
This list is missing something VERY important: a guy NEEDS to know how to drive stick. That's a non-issue. I don't care if he'll never own a car with manual transmission...he better still know how to drive one. Or else. Or else what? Exactly.
Monday, November 26, 2007
Tales from the fake....
So watching the finale of The HIlls, once and for all I had to look up Spencer Pratt. Other than Princes of Malibu, wtf else has this guy done?
Well first off, his website sucks. It's just a smacktalk page of TMZ links about LC. And he apparently paid "Paradigm Creative" to do that site? A high school kid could do that. Hmm, maybe that IS a high school kid doing it.
Then I went to his Official Merchandise page. It just redirects to Heidi's page of merchandise, which consists of two shirts that say Team Heidi. Her main page is a pink version of Spencer's.
Then I scoped out his bio online (I refuse to actually look at his MySpace page, he's irritating enough, adding MySpace is like a fork on a blackboard). It seems his dad is some famous LA dentist, which explains the teeth. I forgot that since he has connections with David Foster, which I"m sure is Heidi's only chance at finding musical success.
Ohhh, watching it now...as retarded as Audrina is, we've ALL been there where we've been with a dude who's just effing around with our minds...once upon a time I was at a bar (YEAH! REACTOR! Good times) and two different people rushe dup to tell me they saw my then-sorta-guy-who-later-became-my-boyfriend-for-almost-four-years had kissed another chick, i confronted him by splashing a glass of water on his face (hmmm, i wasn't driving...why the eff did I have water?), he just laughed so I punched him. Drama ensued, we all piled into someone's van, and somehow a week later I was still dating the very person that I punched for kissing another girl.
So...it's easy to yell at the tv and the dumbass chicks but really, REALLY, if you're female...then there's a good chance you've accepted crappy behavior over a silly boy too.
Ha ha: Spencer’s quote-unquote management company, Innovator Management, has about four clients, though it’s tough to tell as most of Pratt’s “companies” have MySpace pages without any other Web presence.
Wow,it's true...it's just a myspace page: Innovator Management Dammit, i just got scammed into visiting his effing myspace page.
Well first off, his website sucks. It's just a smacktalk page of TMZ links about LC. And he apparently paid "Paradigm Creative" to do that site? A high school kid could do that. Hmm, maybe that IS a high school kid doing it.
Then I went to his Official Merchandise page. It just redirects to Heidi's page of merchandise, which consists of two shirts that say Team Heidi. Her main page is a pink version of Spencer's.
Then I scoped out his bio online (I refuse to actually look at his MySpace page, he's irritating enough, adding MySpace is like a fork on a blackboard). It seems his dad is some famous LA dentist, which explains the teeth. I forgot that since he has connections with David Foster, which I"m sure is Heidi's only chance at finding musical success.
Ohhh, watching it now...as retarded as Audrina is, we've ALL been there where we've been with a dude who's just effing around with our minds...once upon a time I was at a bar (YEAH! REACTOR! Good times) and two different people rushe dup to tell me they saw my then-sorta-guy-who-later-became-my-boyfriend-for-almost-four-years had kissed another chick, i confronted him by splashing a glass of water on his face (hmmm, i wasn't driving...why the eff did I have water?), he just laughed so I punched him. Drama ensued, we all piled into someone's van, and somehow a week later I was still dating the very person that I punched for kissing another girl.
So...it's easy to yell at the tv and the dumbass chicks but really, REALLY, if you're female...then there's a good chance you've accepted crappy behavior over a silly boy too.
Ha ha: Spencer’s quote-unquote management company, Innovator Management, has about four clients, though it’s tough to tell as most of Pratt’s “companies” have MySpace pages without any other Web presence.
Wow,it's true...it's just a myspace page: Innovator Management Dammit, i just got scammed into visiting his effing myspace page.
**I PASSED MY PMP EXAM**
Oh my GOD...it's over...it's finally OVER.
Since around APRIL i've been studying for my project management certification. My brain pretty much revolved around it. Hence also why I didn't blog much...i didn't have much to say 'cuase i felt like whatever was in my brain should have been PMP-related.
Geezus just applying for the test was hard (it took 2 weeks to fill out the application and fortunately, I didn't get audited...you have to meet certain criteria just to write the damn thing)...
Gonna go watch a Nip/Tuck DVD and relax, but to give you an idea of the hell i've been trhough the past few months here's a Lessons Learned i posted on a project management forum:
How to pass the poor man's way
I passed my exam today and I"m finally happy to be able to write my LL.
Took the exam in Southern California.
Going to try to avoid writing the usual stuff that everyone else does.
The plan: to write the exam in the shortest amount of time while spending the least amount of money.
The reality:
1. Applied for the exam (in May) and scheduled it for end of Summer.
2. Got to Chapter 6 in PMBOK and realized I'd need more time and more resources.
3. Purchased PMP In Depth: Project Management Professional Study Guide for PMP and CAPM Exams by Paul Sanghera.
4. Midway through summer realized summer is the worst time to study. Rescheduled my exam for Oct. Signed up for the PMI-NEIC (do a google search) online course. It's an 8 week online class where you read their notes along with the PMBOK, there's a teacher, forums, quizzes, and most importantly, it's $150. MUCH cheaper than the other classes out there.
4.5 read through their notes and the PMBOK while summarizing EVERYTHING in detail...because i had no desire to re-read the PMBOK unless i had to.
5. Rescheduled again....
6. At a PMI event, someone lent me their materials from when they took the "official" PMI class...which included Achieve PMP Exam Success PMBOK Guide (available on Amazon) and a ton of other notes.
7. Went through online sources (such as the PDFs available here)
8. Did the little tests you find online (like the HeadFirst one, which i don't recommend...their CPM method is messed up) or in the books I had.
Finally decided that the only way to do this is to just bite the bullet, cram over the thanksgiving holiday, and write it the following monday.
The Prometric Center:
1. They don't let you bring ANYTHING in there. There's little lockers (so i guess you can bring the key to the locker in...but if you have car keys, you have to lock the car keys and then take the locker key in with you). And when i mean ANYTHING...i couldn't even bring my chapstick in with me. I'm surprised they let me keep the hair elastic i had around my wrist. If you're wearing a cardigan, it has to stay on the entire time (you can't put it around the chair).
2. The "ear plugs" weren't plugs...i thought i'd get a cute little bag of little earplugs. Instead you get to use these huge construction-guy orange ear things. They work well, except I wore my glasses and the combination of the two really got annoying against my ears.
3. SPeaking of glasses, i recommend you wear them instead of contact lenses. Your eyes will start to pop out of your head otherwise.
4. Someone here mentioned in their LL that the sound of someone typing got annoying...it was AWFUL. I was right next to a girl who was typing an essay, and even through the earmuffs i could hear everything. Don't get me started on the constant banging of the door.
5. When you first sit down, there's a prompt to take the tutorial. So i started doing my brain dump before even starting the tutorial...after 2 minutes I got a warning that if I didn't start the tutorial, i would be closed out of the test. So...just a heads up...start the tutorial THEN do the brain dump.
6. I know this sounds insane, but writing a brain dump in lightening speed is MUCH harder with a regular wood pencil than with a mechanical pencil!
General topics (other than the ones that keep getting listed on the forum):
- order of magnitude (not to be confused with Rough order of magnitude)
- it felt like half of my questions were about contract types and how to calculate all sorts of formulas related to them (which irked me, i just quickly reviewed them and that's it...i didn't know the answers to any of them!)
- ALOT of delegation questions (thank you PMHub, without you i wouldn't have aced them!)
- no CPM math (maybe one float question at best)...i was so bummed i didn't get to create a network diagram
my score breakdown (they give you a printout, you don't have to memorize them or anything...each main section has a really detailed % breakdown which i'm not going to bother typing up):
Initiation 60%
Planning 78%
Executing 60%
Mon & Ctrl 62%
Closing 73% (lol i got 100% in everything except i got 0% in Archive/Retain Project Records that skewed that section)
Prof Responsibility: 80%
TIPS:
1. HIGHLY recommend taking the free test at PMSTUDY. If you can't get the free one, pay for one ($15 i believe). Best thing I could have done...i barely passed the online exam but it told me the exact areas I needed to beef up.
2. Scoping out the prometric place in advance is a must.
3. I didn't memorize all the ITTOs, but i did memorize the "main" chart of the 44 processes (KAs on one side, process groups on the top). This was invaluable...if not for direct questions but so many of the questions were situational, it helps to see where you are in the project (e.g. if they say "in contract administration blah blah", simply staring at the chart reminds you that anything related to say scope development was already done)...
4. I memorized 25 formulas and naturally the only ones I needed were either ones I had no idea or just the easy ones (CPI, CV, SPI)
5. What i did for the questions that were "iffy": i marked them, then as i went through them for review I created a chart of how many i had in A/B/C/D...then for the questions that I really just guessed, i used my little chart to tell me which ones I needed to beef up (I barely had any Cs and i think wayyy too many As)...figured maybe it would help to spread out my best guesses across all letters...
6. Do NOT get discouraged if you don't get the 80% score that everyone recommends you get on the practice exams...I did awful on them and just used that info to hone in on the sections that I needed to learn. Also, take note of your test time...if English is your first language, there is NO WAY you'll need 4 hours to get through the exam...
7. When in doubt, your answer should involve "informing" or "notifying" or "telling" someone whatever is going on.
8. When in doubt, analyze what to do next vs. rushing off and doing X action
Book Review:
Achieve PMP Exam Success PMBOK Guide: a little light, but definitely covered PMP-specific topics. If you need something to supplement your reading, this is great. Pretty decent CD that has tests.
PMP In Depth:goes from a process perspective, not a KA perspective. Good i guess if you read it before PMBOK..but i read it after so it didn't do me much good.
PMI-NEIC notes/online class: I'd give it a B+...it was nice to have something in plain english to read alongside the PMBOK, but it included alot of non-PMP things, which got a little annoying.
Somoene also lent me Rita's Flash Cards, which i looked at briefly and then realized that since i'll never be flat out asked for a definition (as opposed to having multiple options), i never used it.
I stayed away from Rita's books because i found them to be WAY overpriced, and the horrible reviews on Amazon told me to stay away.
Poor Kraig...he had to deal with me being bitchier than usual, which is pretty damn bitchy.
Since around APRIL i've been studying for my project management certification. My brain pretty much revolved around it. Hence also why I didn't blog much...i didn't have much to say 'cuase i felt like whatever was in my brain should have been PMP-related.
Geezus just applying for the test was hard (it took 2 weeks to fill out the application and fortunately, I didn't get audited...you have to meet certain criteria just to write the damn thing)...
Gonna go watch a Nip/Tuck DVD and relax, but to give you an idea of the hell i've been trhough the past few months here's a Lessons Learned i posted on a project management forum:
How to pass the poor man's way
I passed my exam today and I"m finally happy to be able to write my LL.
Took the exam in Southern California.
Going to try to avoid writing the usual stuff that everyone else does.
The plan: to write the exam in the shortest amount of time while spending the least amount of money.
The reality:
1. Applied for the exam (in May) and scheduled it for end of Summer.
2. Got to Chapter 6 in PMBOK and realized I'd need more time and more resources.
3. Purchased PMP In Depth: Project Management Professional Study Guide for PMP and CAPM Exams by Paul Sanghera.
4. Midway through summer realized summer is the worst time to study. Rescheduled my exam for Oct. Signed up for the PMI-NEIC (do a google search) online course. It's an 8 week online class where you read their notes along with the PMBOK, there's a teacher, forums, quizzes, and most importantly, it's $150. MUCH cheaper than the other classes out there.
4.5 read through their notes and the PMBOK while summarizing EVERYTHING in detail...because i had no desire to re-read the PMBOK unless i had to.
5. Rescheduled again....
6. At a PMI event, someone lent me their materials from when they took the "official" PMI class...which included Achieve PMP Exam Success PMBOK Guide (available on Amazon) and a ton of other notes.
7. Went through online sources (such as the PDFs available here)
8. Did the little tests you find online (like the HeadFirst one, which i don't recommend...their CPM method is messed up) or in the books I had.
Finally decided that the only way to do this is to just bite the bullet, cram over the thanksgiving holiday, and write it the following monday.
The Prometric Center:
1. They don't let you bring ANYTHING in there. There's little lockers (so i guess you can bring the key to the locker in...but if you have car keys, you have to lock the car keys and then take the locker key in with you). And when i mean ANYTHING...i couldn't even bring my chapstick in with me. I'm surprised they let me keep the hair elastic i had around my wrist. If you're wearing a cardigan, it has to stay on the entire time (you can't put it around the chair).
2. The "ear plugs" weren't plugs...i thought i'd get a cute little bag of little earplugs. Instead you get to use these huge construction-guy orange ear things. They work well, except I wore my glasses and the combination of the two really got annoying against my ears.
3. SPeaking of glasses, i recommend you wear them instead of contact lenses. Your eyes will start to pop out of your head otherwise.
4. Someone here mentioned in their LL that the sound of someone typing got annoying...it was AWFUL. I was right next to a girl who was typing an essay, and even through the earmuffs i could hear everything. Don't get me started on the constant banging of the door.
5. When you first sit down, there's a prompt to take the tutorial. So i started doing my brain dump before even starting the tutorial...after 2 minutes I got a warning that if I didn't start the tutorial, i would be closed out of the test. So...just a heads up...start the tutorial THEN do the brain dump.
6. I know this sounds insane, but writing a brain dump in lightening speed is MUCH harder with a regular wood pencil than with a mechanical pencil!
General topics (other than the ones that keep getting listed on the forum):
- order of magnitude (not to be confused with Rough order of magnitude)
- it felt like half of my questions were about contract types and how to calculate all sorts of formulas related to them (which irked me, i just quickly reviewed them and that's it...i didn't know the answers to any of them!)
- ALOT of delegation questions (thank you PMHub, without you i wouldn't have aced them!)
- no CPM math (maybe one float question at best)...i was so bummed i didn't get to create a network diagram
my score breakdown (they give you a printout, you don't have to memorize them or anything...each main section has a really detailed % breakdown which i'm not going to bother typing up):
Initiation 60%
Planning 78%
Executing 60%
Mon & Ctrl 62%
Closing 73% (lol i got 100% in everything except i got 0% in Archive/Retain Project Records that skewed that section)
Prof Responsibility: 80%
TIPS:
1. HIGHLY recommend taking the free test at PMSTUDY. If you can't get the free one, pay for one ($15 i believe). Best thing I could have done...i barely passed the online exam but it told me the exact areas I needed to beef up.
2. Scoping out the prometric place in advance is a must.
3. I didn't memorize all the ITTOs, but i did memorize the "main" chart of the 44 processes (KAs on one side, process groups on the top). This was invaluable...if not for direct questions but so many of the questions were situational, it helps to see where you are in the project (e.g. if they say "in contract administration blah blah", simply staring at the chart reminds you that anything related to say scope development was already done)...
4. I memorized 25 formulas and naturally the only ones I needed were either ones I had no idea or just the easy ones (CPI, CV, SPI)
5. What i did for the questions that were "iffy": i marked them, then as i went through them for review I created a chart of how many i had in A/B/C/D...then for the questions that I really just guessed, i used my little chart to tell me which ones I needed to beef up (I barely had any Cs and i think wayyy too many As)...figured maybe it would help to spread out my best guesses across all letters...
6. Do NOT get discouraged if you don't get the 80% score that everyone recommends you get on the practice exams...I did awful on them and just used that info to hone in on the sections that I needed to learn. Also, take note of your test time...if English is your first language, there is NO WAY you'll need 4 hours to get through the exam...
7. When in doubt, your answer should involve "informing" or "notifying" or "telling" someone whatever is going on.
8. When in doubt, analyze what to do next vs. rushing off and doing X action
Book Review:
Achieve PMP Exam Success PMBOK Guide: a little light, but definitely covered PMP-specific topics. If you need something to supplement your reading, this is great. Pretty decent CD that has tests.
PMP In Depth:goes from a process perspective, not a KA perspective. Good i guess if you read it before PMBOK..but i read it after so it didn't do me much good.
PMI-NEIC notes/online class: I'd give it a B+...it was nice to have something in plain english to read alongside the PMBOK, but it included alot of non-PMP things, which got a little annoying.
Somoene also lent me Rita's Flash Cards, which i looked at briefly and then realized that since i'll never be flat out asked for a definition (as opposed to having multiple options), i never used it.
I stayed away from Rita's books because i found them to be WAY overpriced, and the horrible reviews on Amazon told me to stay away.
Poor Kraig...he had to deal with me being bitchier than usual, which is pretty damn bitchy.
Sunday, November 18, 2007
Great site and being "uppercase f*cked"....
I came across Ikea Hacker, it's awesome. Wish I had seen it before I got a new kitty litter box...some seriously nifty cat ideas.
On Friday I had dinner at Felicia's (crazy good spaghetti, and i'm not a huge spaghetti person), her friend Staci was there with her new man...anyway Staci's a dental hygienist..I'm OBSESSED with teeth...Turns out there's a DENTAL CONVENTION in Anaheim.
Do you hear me?! DENTAL CONVENTION!! I'm salivating at the thought...
On Sat night checked out Justin and Sara's crazy kickass new tv...Sara's the owner of Fatally Yours, a horror movie review site.
The second movie was way too cheesy for words (I can't even remember the title)...but the first one, Feast was actually pretty kick ass. It's a Project Greenlight movie so it's ultra low budget...but it had the best one-liners and general writing I've heard in a movie in a long time...key ones:
Bozo: YOU!
Grandma: [Drunkenly] What?
Bozo: You know somethin'!
Grandma: Huh?
Bozo: You're old! You've seen things!
Grandma: I don't know a thing.
Bartender: Easy there...
Bozo: Back off me, whitey! I'm interrogating her.
Bozo: Old people know things, like legends and tall tales and shit.
Grandma: No... really... I don't...
Bozo: Come on! Spill it! Or I'll get rough!
Grandma: I don't know anything!
[Points to Bartender]
Grandma: Why don't you ask him? He's old!
Well i'm not feeling overall witty and intelligent at this point...watching Stuck On You for the umpteenth time and feeling so grateful that Matt Damon didn't feel like he was too good for this movie, it's so bad it's wonderful...
On Friday I had dinner at Felicia's (crazy good spaghetti, and i'm not a huge spaghetti person), her friend Staci was there with her new man...anyway Staci's a dental hygienist..I'm OBSESSED with teeth...Turns out there's a DENTAL CONVENTION in Anaheim.
Do you hear me?! DENTAL CONVENTION!! I'm salivating at the thought...
On Sat night checked out Justin and Sara's crazy kickass new tv...Sara's the owner of Fatally Yours, a horror movie review site.
The second movie was way too cheesy for words (I can't even remember the title)...but the first one, Feast was actually pretty kick ass. It's a Project Greenlight movie so it's ultra low budget...but it had the best one-liners and general writing I've heard in a movie in a long time...key ones:
Bozo: YOU!
Grandma: [Drunkenly] What?
Bozo: You know somethin'!
Grandma: Huh?
Bozo: You're old! You've seen things!
Grandma: I don't know a thing.
Bartender: Easy there...
Bozo: Back off me, whitey! I'm interrogating her.
Bozo: Old people know things, like legends and tall tales and shit.
Grandma: No... really... I don't...
Bozo: Come on! Spill it! Or I'll get rough!
Grandma: I don't know anything!
[Points to Bartender]
Grandma: Why don't you ask him? He's old!
Well i'm not feeling overall witty and intelligent at this point...watching Stuck On You for the umpteenth time and feeling so grateful that Matt Damon didn't feel like he was too good for this movie, it's so bad it's wonderful...
Thursday, November 15, 2007
The black bear is the best bear
Dont' have much to say today, so I thought i'd at least provide the most wonderful 2 minutes of your entire life:
In other news, i gotta remind myself to get on the debate: who's cast is hotter, Lost or Heroes? For women, obviously Heroes...but let's not overshoot ourselves on Peter vs. Sawyer...(although Peter taking his shirt off in every episode is certainly helping out the cause)...
In other news, i gotta remind myself to get on the debate: who's cast is hotter, Lost or Heroes? For women, obviously Heroes...but let's not overshoot ourselves on Peter vs. Sawyer...(although Peter taking his shirt off in every episode is certainly helping out the cause)...
Wednesday, November 14, 2007
Me fail English? That's unpossible!
Well as usual, long time no write. I really have adopted this bad attitude like, who the eff am I to think anyone would want to read what I have to say. But then I guess I realized...this has always been about me, a place to dump my random brain stew, so get over yourself.
I've discovered today that apparently THINKING about doing something is not the same as actually DOING it. Merely researching ways to paint your kitchen cabinet does not mean it magically is done when you get home. Researching how other people passed their PMP exam doesn't make you suddenly a pro on the topic. Pouring over Foodnetwork.com and Epicurious.com doesn't make a nice big turkey meal cook in your oven. Reading about money doesn't make your bank account numbers go up.
So with many failed New Year's Resolutions from years past under my belt, next year's resolution will be: JUST DO IT. Minus the swoosh.
What does Just Do It entail? Well i'm glad you asked...it means, no more bitching about what you want to get done. No more researching for months on end over something absolutely retarded. No more procrastination. Okay...well maybe a little procrastination, because without procrastination I'd never get anything done (well...okay only procrastinating on things that have a firm deadline so that i'm forced to do it).
In other news...and at the same time, Speaking of Food Network....I'm making Tyler Florence's Caramelized onion and cornbread stuffing for tomorrow.
In more other news, I had a blast in Tahoe seeing my Bay Area peeps (yes...they really are the yellow marshmallows you put in the microwave). In case you need to peruse the pics, click here.
Alright, that's enough for today...one must pace themselves.
I've discovered today that apparently THINKING about doing something is not the same as actually DOING it. Merely researching ways to paint your kitchen cabinet does not mean it magically is done when you get home. Researching how other people passed their PMP exam doesn't make you suddenly a pro on the topic. Pouring over Foodnetwork.com and Epicurious.com doesn't make a nice big turkey meal cook in your oven. Reading about money doesn't make your bank account numbers go up.
So with many failed New Year's Resolutions from years past under my belt, next year's resolution will be: JUST DO IT. Minus the swoosh.
What does Just Do It entail? Well i'm glad you asked...it means, no more bitching about what you want to get done. No more researching for months on end over something absolutely retarded. No more procrastination. Okay...well maybe a little procrastination, because without procrastination I'd never get anything done (well...okay only procrastinating on things that have a firm deadline so that i'm forced to do it).
In other news...and at the same time, Speaking of Food Network....I'm making Tyler Florence's Caramelized onion and cornbread stuffing for tomorrow.
In more other news, I had a blast in Tahoe seeing my Bay Area peeps (yes...they really are the yellow marshmallows you put in the microwave). In case you need to peruse the pics, click here.
Alright, that's enough for today...one must pace themselves.
Tuesday, October 23, 2007
It's been awhile...
Haven't posted JACK in a lifetime 'cause I'm kind of in a phase where I figure...who the eff gives a crap what I have to say?! Who knows if anyone will even log in to see if i've written...
So some random thoughts....
Congrats to Evan and Liz who both got engaged this week (not to each other....two different instances)...
Yeah the fires suck balls, even worse is that i'm stuck going to work while other businesses nearby let their employees stay home...
I'm jonesin' for new shoes for the fall, but having mutant feet of size 5 persuasion makes it very difficult to find anything...
The shows i'm watching this fall:
Bizarre Foods with Andrew Zimmern (it's the Travel Channel...this dude will eat anything. ANYTHING. Like he'll catch some weird mussel, rinse it, rip the penis out, and eat it. He's insane. )
Aliens in America (naturally I gotta watch this show...about a family that takes in a pakistani muslim exchange student...it's actually very witty and brilliantly done)
Heroes
Real World and The Hills (yeah i should be shot for that)
Gossip Girl (I need my fix of shows about shallow people)
Dr. 90210 (naturally)
My Name is Earl
THE OFFICE (helllllllll yeahhhhhhh! Damn i wish I worked at Dunder Mifflin)
Desperate Housewives
Kimora: Life in the fab lane (To add to the shallow fix that i need)
Hmmm i'm sure there's more but i can't think of any....
So some random thoughts....
Congrats to Evan and Liz who both got engaged this week (not to each other....two different instances)...
Yeah the fires suck balls, even worse is that i'm stuck going to work while other businesses nearby let their employees stay home...
I'm jonesin' for new shoes for the fall, but having mutant feet of size 5 persuasion makes it very difficult to find anything...
The shows i'm watching this fall:
Bizarre Foods with Andrew Zimmern (it's the Travel Channel...this dude will eat anything. ANYTHING. Like he'll catch some weird mussel, rinse it, rip the penis out, and eat it. He's insane. )
Aliens in America (naturally I gotta watch this show...about a family that takes in a pakistani muslim exchange student...it's actually very witty and brilliantly done)
Heroes
Real World and The Hills (yeah i should be shot for that)
Gossip Girl (I need my fix of shows about shallow people)
Dr. 90210 (naturally)
My Name is Earl
THE OFFICE (helllllllll yeahhhhhhh! Damn i wish I worked at Dunder Mifflin)
Desperate Housewives
Kimora: Life in the fab lane (To add to the shallow fix that i need)
Hmmm i'm sure there's more but i can't think of any....
Monday, September 17, 2007
The britney drama never ends...
Fox News is reporting she's going to lose her kids today...
Her management dropped her today due to her erratic behavior...
Oh miss Britney, THIS is how you do it when you're an ex-Mickey Mouser with a baby belly (even if it's pre-baby):
What a wonderful way for Christina to show Britney up for all the years they were compared. Note the use of flowy dress still allows her to accentuate her itty bitty shoulders....as in, just ONE body part needs to be highlighted. Not the whole damn thing.
Oh Christine, what i would do to sing like you...i'd be like Ursula from Little Mermaid...
Her management dropped her today due to her erratic behavior...
Oh miss Britney, THIS is how you do it when you're an ex-Mickey Mouser with a baby belly (even if it's pre-baby):
What a wonderful way for Christina to show Britney up for all the years they were compared. Note the use of flowy dress still allows her to accentuate her itty bitty shoulders....as in, just ONE body part needs to be highlighted. Not the whole damn thing.
Oh Christine, what i would do to sing like you...i'd be like Ursula from Little Mermaid...
Interesting article...
Props to Alanna for finding this, i always dig psychology stuff between men and women, or how our generation thinks differently than the generation before...
You'd never buy a car without test-driving it first right? So why settle into a lifelong marriage before trying one on for size?
You'd never buy a car without test-driving it first right? So why settle into a lifelong marriage before trying one on for size?
Monday, September 10, 2007
Best editorial EVER
Props to Janet for sending this to me...i seriously was afraid i would wet my pants laughing. I highlighted the best lines in RED.
What happens in Vegas ... hurts my eyes
Britney's VMA performance a bigger mistake than her first marriage
COMMENTARY
By Dennis Hensley
MSNBC contributor
Given that Sunday night's MTV Video Music Awards were held in Las Vegas, I was hoping that the show would open with a parade of hookers. They'd walk out with briefcases like the models on "Deal or No Deal." Then when they opened their cases, one of them would be hollowed out to reveal a pregnant belly underneath. Then whatever star was the lucky father would get a moon man trophy, make a speech and pay child support for the rest of his life. Wouldn't that be fun?
Instead, we got Britney Spears' so-called comeback performance of her new single, "Gimme More." Before we get to that dog and pony show, can I just ask what was up with longtime MTV pre-show personality John Norris' bleached blonde hairdo and smoky eyeliner? I thought it was Judith Light there for a second … or Jodie Foster, plugging that new movie where she shoots people.
But anyway, back to Britney. The show starts and the first thing we see of Brit is a close-up of the back of her head. It's not pretty. It's extension seams a go-go. You could almost smell the glue through the television. This unflattering shot made me wonder if Britney was a pain in the rear during rehearsal because someone at MTV was clearly pissed at her. Her black rhinestone bikini was problematic too considering Brit's a few pounds over her "Slave 4 U" fighting weight. It wasn't Paula Abdul "Vibeology" bad, but it was far from good.
I could forgive the ratty hair extensions and the extra pounds if Britney had turned in a good performance but she didn't. She totally phoned it in and it wasn't a very good connection. The words that come to mind are joyless, dead-eyed, way under-rehearsed and Cheetos. And, oh yeah, clumsy. The normally sure-footed trouper stumbled a few times in her gold-heeled boots. Of course, she hasn't worn shoes in years so maybe we should cut her some slack with the footwork.
Her blasé attitude, though, is inexcusable. Britney was like a jaded stripper a few minutes before closing time who leaves her ciggie burning backstage while she goes out to shake her weary ass for the punters one more time. Simply put, she looked like she didn't want to be there.
Which is such a shame because I've always found Britney to be a magnetic performer and a sexier, more graceful dancer than any pop tart out there. But something happened to her sparkle. And the audience cutaways just added insult to injury. 50 Cent looked genuinely befuddled and he's gotta be pretty hard to shock. Meanwhile, Rihanna shared a laugh with a gal pal while the cartoon thought bubble over her head said, "Wow, outshining this has-been is going to be even easier than I thought." Hey Rihanna, I wouldn't get too cocky if I were you. That could be you in 20 years.
I've since read a report online that said that an outraged Britney nearly bailed on the performance right before show time after overhearing the jokes Sarah Silverman planned to tell about her onstage. Another report said she planned to do an illusion with magician Criss Angel but MTV or the hotel vetoed it at the last minute, so the performance we saw was Plan B. I doubt that either of these is true, but I think Britney should pick one and stick to itha ha haaaaaaaaaaaaa...i love it...can't stop laughing..
For my money, the performance of the night was given by Alicia Keys. She wowed the crowd with her musicality, her Gene Simmons boots and a puffy hairdo that looked like it was attached to her headband. Keys ended her set with a rousing version of George Michael's "Freedom", a song I've always liked but thought was impossible to cover because how can anyone but George sing with any authority about how dehumanizing it was to be in Wham? Alicia proved me wrong.
Other random thoughts on the VMAs:
I wasn't into the way the show cut away to different party suites in the hotel to find Fall Out Boy, Kanye West or Justin Timberlake spontaneously jamming. It was like open mic night at the VMAs.
Paris Hilton, in her blond bob and animal-print dress, looked like the sexiest real estate agent in Beverly Hills. You may not have liked her album but she has a lovely three bedroom she'd like to show you in Brentwood.I seriously canNOT stop cracking up. I'll pee my pants if I read this line again.
As someone who's probably never danced on a table or had sex with Kid Rock, Jennifer Garner stuck out like a sore thumb and seemed to be counting the minutes until she could get out of there. Her subtext was, "Please, no one shoot me. I have a daughter." And then she flubbed her best new artist presentation by calling Gym Class Heroes, Gym Class Fallout. What? Of course, her all-over-the-place co-presenter Jamie Foxx was driving all of us to distraction at the time so it's no wonder she flubbed.
I kept waiting for someone to share their exit strategy for Iraq, but male artist of the year Justin Timberlake's plea to MTV to "Play more videos!" was about as political as it got. JT's electric dance break in the Timbaland-and-friends finale was another high point of the show. He even gave a gracious shout-out to newcomer Chris Brown, whose Michael Jackson-esque song and dance gave the middle of the show a much needed rush of adrenaline.
Kanye West and 50 Cent presented together even though they are fake fighting for publicity because their new albums both drop on Sept. 11. They entered the stage from separate sides, met in the middle then stared each other down for several seconds. I so wanted them to kiss like Madonna and Britney did a few years back but I guess we, as a culture, aren't ready for that. I'll check back in 120 years.
"I'm really bad at these," Beyoncé said upon accepting an award for her duet with Shakira, "Beautiful Liar." That was Beyoncé's humble way of reminding us all that she gets given an award just about every other day. I still love her, though.
Fergie won the best female artist award but she wasn't there to accept it, which is too bad because, though she's turned out hit after hit, she's not exactly an award darling. She was our best shot at some you-really-like-me tears, but she was otherwise engaged.
Kanye West wore white sunglasses like Fleagle from The Banana Splits and ended his party suite song on a glass balcony overlooking the strip, with a gaggle of hot chick fans dancing around him. I don't know what the audition to be a balcony girl involved but I'm sure it was intense.Yes Alanna, this is a killer line...LOVE IT!
My favorite surprise was the self-deprecating appearance by Miss Teen South Carolina, whose name I don't know so I just call her the "such as" girl. I could listen to her mad ramblings all day long. I still don't know who won Miss Teen USA but this dingbat haunts my dreams. Can we get her booked on that "Celebrity Rap Challenge" show?
Did anyone else find the frenetic, ever-changing visuals of the show tiring to watch? Maybe that's what the kids are into these days but as my friend Alonso said as the credits rolled, "I've never felt forty-ier." Amen, brother.
So that was the Video Music Awards. Some folks got drunk, Kid Rock hit Tommy Lee and some of your favorite artists went home with moon men. But the big story of the night I'm afraid is going to be the bombing of Britney. Not only has she lost the eye of the tiger, I think she might have eaten it. Okay it's official. I should only be allowed to read this when i'm in the bathroom. It's so wonderfully rude, it may well have been written by Sarah Silverman, Adam Corolla, or anyone from South Park.The only person who came out of that performance better off was her accidental husband, Jason Alexander. Remember him? As of Sunday night, he's no longer the only mistake Britney's made in Vegas.
Dennis Hensley is the author of the books Misadventures in the (213) and Screening Party and a co-host on the radio show Twist.
What happens in Vegas ... hurts my eyes
Britney's VMA performance a bigger mistake than her first marriage
COMMENTARY
By Dennis Hensley
MSNBC contributor
Given that Sunday night's MTV Video Music Awards were held in Las Vegas, I was hoping that the show would open with a parade of hookers. They'd walk out with briefcases like the models on "Deal or No Deal." Then when they opened their cases, one of them would be hollowed out to reveal a pregnant belly underneath. Then whatever star was the lucky father would get a moon man trophy, make a speech and pay child support for the rest of his life. Wouldn't that be fun?
Instead, we got Britney Spears' so-called comeback performance of her new single, "Gimme More." Before we get to that dog and pony show, can I just ask what was up with longtime MTV pre-show personality John Norris' bleached blonde hairdo and smoky eyeliner? I thought it was Judith Light there for a second … or Jodie Foster, plugging that new movie where she shoots people.
But anyway, back to Britney. The show starts and the first thing we see of Brit is a close-up of the back of her head. It's not pretty. It's extension seams a go-go. You could almost smell the glue through the television. This unflattering shot made me wonder if Britney was a pain in the rear during rehearsal because someone at MTV was clearly pissed at her. Her black rhinestone bikini was problematic too considering Brit's a few pounds over her "Slave 4 U" fighting weight. It wasn't Paula Abdul "Vibeology" bad, but it was far from good.
I could forgive the ratty hair extensions and the extra pounds if Britney had turned in a good performance but she didn't. She totally phoned it in and it wasn't a very good connection. The words that come to mind are joyless, dead-eyed, way under-rehearsed and Cheetos. And, oh yeah, clumsy. The normally sure-footed trouper stumbled a few times in her gold-heeled boots. Of course, she hasn't worn shoes in years so maybe we should cut her some slack with the footwork.
Her blasé attitude, though, is inexcusable. Britney was like a jaded stripper a few minutes before closing time who leaves her ciggie burning backstage while she goes out to shake her weary ass for the punters one more time. Simply put, she looked like she didn't want to be there.
Which is such a shame because I've always found Britney to be a magnetic performer and a sexier, more graceful dancer than any pop tart out there. But something happened to her sparkle. And the audience cutaways just added insult to injury. 50 Cent looked genuinely befuddled and he's gotta be pretty hard to shock. Meanwhile, Rihanna shared a laugh with a gal pal while the cartoon thought bubble over her head said, "Wow, outshining this has-been is going to be even easier than I thought." Hey Rihanna, I wouldn't get too cocky if I were you. That could be you in 20 years.
I've since read a report online that said that an outraged Britney nearly bailed on the performance right before show time after overhearing the jokes Sarah Silverman planned to tell about her onstage. Another report said she planned to do an illusion with magician Criss Angel but MTV or the hotel vetoed it at the last minute, so the performance we saw was Plan B. I doubt that either of these is true, but I think Britney should pick one and stick to itha ha haaaaaaaaaaaaa...i love it...can't stop laughing..
For my money, the performance of the night was given by Alicia Keys. She wowed the crowd with her musicality, her Gene Simmons boots and a puffy hairdo that looked like it was attached to her headband. Keys ended her set with a rousing version of George Michael's "Freedom", a song I've always liked but thought was impossible to cover because how can anyone but George sing with any authority about how dehumanizing it was to be in Wham? Alicia proved me wrong.
Other random thoughts on the VMAs:
I wasn't into the way the show cut away to different party suites in the hotel to find Fall Out Boy, Kanye West or Justin Timberlake spontaneously jamming. It was like open mic night at the VMAs.
Paris Hilton, in her blond bob and animal-print dress, looked like the sexiest real estate agent in Beverly Hills. You may not have liked her album but she has a lovely three bedroom she'd like to show you in Brentwood.I seriously canNOT stop cracking up. I'll pee my pants if I read this line again.
As someone who's probably never danced on a table or had sex with Kid Rock, Jennifer Garner stuck out like a sore thumb and seemed to be counting the minutes until she could get out of there. Her subtext was, "Please, no one shoot me. I have a daughter." And then she flubbed her best new artist presentation by calling Gym Class Heroes, Gym Class Fallout. What? Of course, her all-over-the-place co-presenter Jamie Foxx was driving all of us to distraction at the time so it's no wonder she flubbed.
I kept waiting for someone to share their exit strategy for Iraq, but male artist of the year Justin Timberlake's plea to MTV to "Play more videos!" was about as political as it got. JT's electric dance break in the Timbaland-and-friends finale was another high point of the show. He even gave a gracious shout-out to newcomer Chris Brown, whose Michael Jackson-esque song and dance gave the middle of the show a much needed rush of adrenaline.
Kanye West and 50 Cent presented together even though they are fake fighting for publicity because their new albums both drop on Sept. 11. They entered the stage from separate sides, met in the middle then stared each other down for several seconds. I so wanted them to kiss like Madonna and Britney did a few years back but I guess we, as a culture, aren't ready for that. I'll check back in 120 years.
"I'm really bad at these," Beyoncé said upon accepting an award for her duet with Shakira, "Beautiful Liar." That was Beyoncé's humble way of reminding us all that she gets given an award just about every other day. I still love her, though.
Fergie won the best female artist award but she wasn't there to accept it, which is too bad because, though she's turned out hit after hit, she's not exactly an award darling. She was our best shot at some you-really-like-me tears, but she was otherwise engaged.
Kanye West wore white sunglasses like Fleagle from The Banana Splits and ended his party suite song on a glass balcony overlooking the strip, with a gaggle of hot chick fans dancing around him. I don't know what the audition to be a balcony girl involved but I'm sure it was intense.Yes Alanna, this is a killer line...LOVE IT!
My favorite surprise was the self-deprecating appearance by Miss Teen South Carolina, whose name I don't know so I just call her the "such as" girl. I could listen to her mad ramblings all day long. I still don't know who won Miss Teen USA but this dingbat haunts my dreams. Can we get her booked on that "Celebrity Rap Challenge" show?
Did anyone else find the frenetic, ever-changing visuals of the show tiring to watch? Maybe that's what the kids are into these days but as my friend Alonso said as the credits rolled, "I've never felt forty-ier." Amen, brother.
So that was the Video Music Awards. Some folks got drunk, Kid Rock hit Tommy Lee and some of your favorite artists went home with moon men. But the big story of the night I'm afraid is going to be the bombing of Britney. Not only has she lost the eye of the tiger, I think she might have eaten it. Okay it's official. I should only be allowed to read this when i'm in the bathroom. It's so wonderfully rude, it may well have been written by Sarah Silverman, Adam Corolla, or anyone from South Park.The only person who came out of that performance better off was her accidental husband, Jason Alexander. Remember him? As of Sunday night, he's no longer the only mistake Britney's made in Vegas.
Dennis Hensley is the author of the books Misadventures in the (213) and Screening Party and a co-host on the radio show Twist.
Sarah Silverman was right....
Oh Britney! Britney why...whyyyyyyyyy...when you KNOW the paparazzi will be there....when you know they've invented skivvies...do you go out right after the VMAs flashing this?
Damn I just can't get enough.
Damn I just can't get enough.
If yer gonna lip sync...
Now THIS is how you lip sync mutha effas! Chris Brown was amazing, even though he didn't sing a lick of it.
Sunday, September 09, 2007
News alert: Britney lip syncs!
Oh mannnn...I swear, I have all the entertainment tastes of a 14 year old kid.
Now i'm ashamed to admit, I really do like Britney's new song. Not because it's britney...anyone could do that song. So basically I like whoever wrote it and whoever did the background stuff. It could be some high school kid singing it for all i care.
I've been curious all week to know how Britney would blow people out of the water...although it didn't help that all week she was seen eating and partying, two big no-nos for any female artist before a major event.
And then the event itself...oh Britbrit, what did you do to yourself:
(If you haven't watched it, you MUST see the link while it's still up...it's crazy).
Where to begin. Was it the lack of lip syncing? Geezus, just PRETEND you're singing. (Note to MTV: it's pretty obvious that if you don't have a mic and you've got a headpiece, you're gonna lip sync. Copy that to Chris Brown. But more on that later).
Next up...i know during rehearsals you don't want to exert all that energy. THIS WASN'T A REHEARSAL. She looked as bad as I would look if I tried out for the Search for the Next Pussycat Doll. You're not a frickin' amateur.
Then there was the issue of the outfit. Hey, i get it. You had 2 babies. You had a divorce. Life's been a bit rough and your body shows it. Yet somehow Denise Richards managed to get her ass back in shape. Why must you show your body like you're smokin' hot?! Why dont' your people tell you that you shouldn't do that? Look at Alicia Keys. Look at Nelly Furtado. They performed without having to show any gut they may or may not have. You aren't Rihana. You can't wear that stuff. And...it's unecessary. Rihana performed Shut Up And Drive wearing a short poofy dress. Why could't you have done that?
And then there's the issue that you were clearly on SOMETHING. I don't know if it was drugs, liquor, or both...but you were on SOMETHING. There was zero connection with the audience.
The best part was that the celebs in the audience were just appalled. I love that they flashed to Kid Rock, who smacktalked when her performed on SNL the week after she did. I love that PDiddy had his hands in his face. I love that 50 Cent look bewildered. BEWILDERED...buddy has been shot and been in jail and all that, and he was BEWILDERED. I guess she achieved something.
I love that somewhere in the evening Kid Rock got in a fight with Tommy Lee (get the scoop here: the fight details)
I can't stand Jamie Foxx, but he was a riot (especially when he was mocking the fight, plus lecturing P Diddy to be quiet at the end)...crap, the video isn't online yet.
If Britney's gonna lip sync, she should learn to do it the way Chris Brown did...his performance was fantastic, even though he didn't sing a lick of it...but that's okay, he compensated in other ways. Oh Britney, you're not cute enough anymore to do this kind of crap.
Did she not shave?
What is wrong with CLOTHES?!
Dayam. I love celebrity crap.
Now i'm ashamed to admit, I really do like Britney's new song. Not because it's britney...anyone could do that song. So basically I like whoever wrote it and whoever did the background stuff. It could be some high school kid singing it for all i care.
I've been curious all week to know how Britney would blow people out of the water...although it didn't help that all week she was seen eating and partying, two big no-nos for any female artist before a major event.
And then the event itself...oh Britbrit, what did you do to yourself:
(If you haven't watched it, you MUST see the link while it's still up...it's crazy).
Where to begin. Was it the lack of lip syncing? Geezus, just PRETEND you're singing. (Note to MTV: it's pretty obvious that if you don't have a mic and you've got a headpiece, you're gonna lip sync. Copy that to Chris Brown. But more on that later).
Next up...i know during rehearsals you don't want to exert all that energy. THIS WASN'T A REHEARSAL. She looked as bad as I would look if I tried out for the Search for the Next Pussycat Doll. You're not a frickin' amateur.
Then there was the issue of the outfit. Hey, i get it. You had 2 babies. You had a divorce. Life's been a bit rough and your body shows it. Yet somehow Denise Richards managed to get her ass back in shape. Why must you show your body like you're smokin' hot?! Why dont' your people tell you that you shouldn't do that? Look at Alicia Keys. Look at Nelly Furtado. They performed without having to show any gut they may or may not have. You aren't Rihana. You can't wear that stuff. And...it's unecessary. Rihana performed Shut Up And Drive wearing a short poofy dress. Why could't you have done that?
And then there's the issue that you were clearly on SOMETHING. I don't know if it was drugs, liquor, or both...but you were on SOMETHING. There was zero connection with the audience.
The best part was that the celebs in the audience were just appalled. I love that they flashed to Kid Rock, who smacktalked when her performed on SNL the week after she did. I love that PDiddy had his hands in his face. I love that 50 Cent look bewildered. BEWILDERED...buddy has been shot and been in jail and all that, and he was BEWILDERED. I guess she achieved something.
I love that somewhere in the evening Kid Rock got in a fight with Tommy Lee (get the scoop here: the fight details)
I can't stand Jamie Foxx, but he was a riot (especially when he was mocking the fight, plus lecturing P Diddy to be quiet at the end)...crap, the video isn't online yet.
If Britney's gonna lip sync, she should learn to do it the way Chris Brown did...his performance was fantastic, even though he didn't sing a lick of it...but that's okay, he compensated in other ways. Oh Britney, you're not cute enough anymore to do this kind of crap.
Did she not shave?
What is wrong with CLOTHES?!
Dayam. I love celebrity crap.
Thursday, September 06, 2007
Well isn't that attractive...
I think some actresses do a better job at hiding their smoking habits than others...like Charlize Theron hides it wayyyyy better than the Olsen twins...but it's still always shocking when you see it:
(in her trailer on the set of her latest movie)...
(in her trailer on the set of her latest movie)...
Best movie sex scenes...allegedly.
So Moviephone created a list of the top 25 sex scenes in movies of all time. Movies I've seen are in red...
25. A history of violence
Early in the film, when Edie (Maria Bello) dons a cheerleader outfit and engages her husband Tom (Viggo Mortensen) in a 69ing session (the first in a non-porn American film), the act is sweet and tender. The same can't be said for a second, much more violent session on the stairs -- complete with slapping and screaming -- that occurs after Edie has learned Tom was once a mobster and eloquently depicts just how much their relationship has changed.
24. Desperado
Few Americans knew Mexican soap star Salma Hayek before Robert Rodriguez cast her as a bookstore owner who helps a mariachi (Antonio Banderas) avenge the death of his wife. But no one could deny Hayek's ample talents (or bosoms) after the sexy, candlelit romp she shares with Banderas. Incidentally, we don't blame Antonio for forgoing blood-soaked vengeance in favor of some between-the-sheets time with salsa-hot Salma.
Okay seriously...wtf. This should be number one. In fact, there's not even a need for porn thanks to this movie, it's THAT good. WTF is wrong with people...number one all the way. Heck, the only reason I originally saw this movie was 'cause in the commercial, there's the scene where Antonio Banderas is hiding and trying to reload his gun and as he pushes the cartridge in and it clicks, he does this smooth "oooh" thing...i was salivating the entire movie waiting just for that scene.
The big easy
New Orleans detective Remy McSwain (Dennis Quaid) and prudish DA Anne Osborne (Ellen Barkin) are polar opposites, making them, of course, perfect for each other. But it's not their super-charged chemistry that makes this scene so hot; it's the uncertain awkwardness of their coupling that makes this one of the most realistic -- and steamiest -- sex scenes ever filmed. "I never did have much luck with sex anyway," admits Anne. We'll bet she does now.
Young Frankenstein
Madeline Kahn, as Dr. Frankenstein's frosty fiancée Elizabeth, comes undone upon seeing the monster's (Peter Boyle) "enormous schwanstucker." She melts with his advances, breaking into operatic song at the climactic moment (or final-final moment of the seven or eight that the pair enjoy). Those white streaks in the bride of Frankenstein's hair? According to this comedy, they're caused by the ferocity of Frank's sexytime. It's alive, indeed.
Brokeback Mountain
While Ang Lee's groundbreaking drama would prove to be the most high-profile gay love story of our time, it was the buzzed-about sex scene between Jake Gyllenhaal and Heath Ledger that really piqued the curiosity of more open-minded moviegoers. Sure, the Wyoming mountains are frigid, but their rugged embrace inside that tent isn't the least bit about body heat. Of course, the unforgettable scene also gives a whole new meaning to the term "Ride 'em, cowboy."
Okay has anyone SEEN this movie? Let's put it this way...and i'll have to quote Carrie..."They better get to the gay sex soon..." ...that movie was primarily about SHEEP for the first one hour. And there's only ONE sex scene between Jake and Heath. It's an interesting story, but best sex scenes in a movie? Hardly.
Blow Up
The most iconic scene from Michaelangelo Antonioni's film about a hot-shot photographer (David Hemmings) has the actor, in an orgiastic photo shoot, straddling supermodel Veruschka and ravaging her with his ... camera. Frankly, it's even wilder than his threesome with two teen groupies (yes, really). Antonioni's film was so scandalous, it was released without a rating -- but the arthouse flick was nominated for two Oscars anyway. Take that, MPAA.
Boys Don't Cry
Hilary Swank won a Best Actress Oscar for her portrayal of Brandon Teena, a she living as a he; Chloe Sevigny garnered a Best Supporting Actress nom as Brandon's girlfriend Lana. In one of the best scenes, their lovemaking is both tender and passionate, and Lana's "big O" is not so much big as it is pivotal. She knows at this point that everything is not as it seems with Brandon, but she also knows that no man has ever satisfied her in quite this way.
Okay i didn't watch this from beginning to end and i only catch it when it's on TV...i've never seen the sex scenes 'cause the whole movie sort of creeped me out...not because of the concept of a chick living a dude...but because Hilary Swank is a little too believable and because the violent scenes freaked me out.
BOogie Nights
Wait, this one's too easy, right? It's a film about porn, for crying out loud. But when Dirk Diggler (Mark Wahlberg) and Amber Waves (Julianne Moore) film what is, in fact, this movie's only porn scene, we see not smut (bam chicka bam) but tenderness, from Amber's mother-hen protectiveness to Dirk's eager desire to make it "sexy." Who cares that the camera guy doesn't get his "money shot"? When the scene's over, Dirk's become a big, bright, shining star. That's right!
I dunno...it seems wrong that a movie about the porn industry can count in this type of list. And truly, Julianne Moore just looked WAY too old for Marky Mark so there was nothing sexy about that. At best, the parts with Roller Girl kind of compensate. I guess.
Sex and Lucia
Paz Vega is a waitress who recalls the best moments of her ill-fated love affair with a writer, Lorenzo (Tristan Ulloa), in this Spanish flick. She was obsessed with him, and it shows -- she does a strip-tease for him, they fervently make love and she holds his, um, manhood ardently. Oh, this is why
American Pie
Apple pie, once the purview of moms and church picnics, gets a horrifying and hilarious makeover once Jim (Jason Biggs) decides to test the theory that getting to third base feels "like warm apple pie." (By the look on his face, we're guessing he likes it on third.) The unrated DVD version is even more explicit: He climbs up on top of the kitchen island to finish the deed. But we have to admit, the missionary position seems a little, well, tame for baked goods, doesn't it?
(shrug) more humorous than sexy really. But...yes, best sex scenes in a movie doesn't have to mean that it actually could turn anyone on. Unless you're a baked good.
Don't Look Now
Yes, it's a creepy psychological horror movie, but nested within is a frank three-minute sex scene that is at once moving and totally hot. Donald Sutherland and Julie Christie are husband and wife vacationing in Venice; their daughter has recently drowned, so the two are not in a good place emotionally -- with themselves or each other. They reconnect in their hotel room and show that married sex can be sexy, too.
Wild Things
What's the only thing better than hot, nubile young things Denise Richards and Neve Campbell stripping naked and getting it on with Matt Dillon? That's simple: Richards and Campbell stripping naked and getting it on WITHOUT Matt Dillon ... in a swimming pool ... dripping wet ... after trying to drown each other ... in a film that also stars Kevin Bacon and Bill Murray. One word: genius.
So my big confession is that i've only seen this on tv, which means a good chunk of the nudity got cut out. But i've seen enough of it online to reaffirm why i've never actually rented this: Neve Campbell is crazy ugly, she's super irrating, she's a horrible actress, and nothing about Denise Richards compensates for any of that. Unless Neve is wearing a paper bag and no one told me.
Betty Blue
The titular (heh, we said "titular") Betty Blue (Beatrice Dalle) was crazy in love ... make that crazy and in love. The opening sex scene between her and boyfriend Zorg (Jean-Hugues Anglade) sets the tone for the movie, which features an enormous amount of nudity and explicit sex, even for a French film. Sadly, Betty's amour burns too bright; she descends into madness before movie's end.
Coming HOme
Uptight Army wife Sally Hyde (Jane Fonda) falls for paraplegic Vietnam vet Luke Martin (Jon Voight) in this anti-war drama that earned Oscars for both actors. He may not be able to walk, but in their classic sex scene he proves he can still please a woman, and how -- she has her first orgasm (ever!) with his, er, vocal encouragement. This is how most war veterans would like to be treated upon their return, we'd wager.
Monster's Ball
Leticia Musgrove (Halle Berry) and Hank Grotowski (Billy Bob Thornton) find a physical way to numb the pain in their lives (her husband was killed on death row, her son in a car accident; he's a death-row guard whose son kills himself). Their initial coupling is animalistic and raw, and it's clear that Leticia's idea of feeling "good" is a little different from most folks'. For her searing performance, Berry won a much-deserved Best Actress Oscar.
Best sex scene my ass. It was very realistic, and props for the Oscars and all that...but seriously, it was not a GOOD sex scene. It was a little too realistic, like iw as looking through someone's window. And if that's the window i peeked into, i'd vomit. This is Halle Barry looking like garbage, not Super Hot Halle Barry.
Team AMerica
Leave it to 'South Park' creators Trey Parker and Matt Stone to envision a marionette-on-marionette sex romp so vulgar that it had to be cut to avoid an NC-17 rating. Even so, these two dolls get it on in ways even the Kama Sutra never imagined, as well as the standard missionary, reverse cowgirl and 69 positions. But the best part by far: Neither puppet has genitalia.
I need to see this frickin' movie...
The unbearable lightness of being
Tomas (Daniel Day Lewis) is a Czechoslovakian man of many hats: He's a doctor, a philosopher, a playa. But nothing turns him on like a woman IN a hat, and Lena Olin may be the finest creature ever to don one on screen (a bowler hat, for sure) in the most memorable of many kinky scenes in this 1988 drama. No wonder Prague's become such a hot destination for travelers.
Bound
How sexy is Gina Gershon's ex-con in this blood-soaked debut from 'The Matrix' masterminds Andy and Larry Wachowski? Her character's name is "Corky," and we don't mind in the slightest. Couple her with curvy sexpot Jennifer Tilly, who eventually screws over her sleazy mobster boyfriend (sleaze master Joe Pantoliano) after falling for Corky, and you have Exhibit A in the case of "Why So Many Men (and Plenty of Women) Love Lesbian Sex Scenes."
Unfaithful
It was a tossup with this one -- but after great debate, we chose the illicit bathroom tryst over the we-know-it's-over hallway encounter. Diane Lane as Connie Sumner and Olivier Martinez as Paul Martel steam up most of the flick; knowing that her ladies-who-lunch friends are waiting in the cafe while they're going at it in the bathroom stall is just too hot for words. Wait, there's one we can think of: Aahhh.
Ahhhh yes, I agree on that bathroom one. Good call.
Secretary
Self-mutilating wallflower Lee Holloway (Maggie Gyllenhaal) and her controlling boss E. Edward Grey (James Spader) spend their office hours bonding, so to speak, in a sadomasochistic relationship that's as twisted as it is thrilling. But when Edward finally admits his love for Lee, bathing her in his tub and making love to her on a grass-covered bed, you see that their connection transcends spankings and dog collars. It's by far the sweetest moment in the history of S&M.
Mullholland Drive
Rita (Laura Elena Harring) and Betty (Naomi Watts) -- or is it Diane and Camilla? -- are enmeshed in David Lynch's dreamlike story of love, betrayal, death and grief. That's about all we can suss out on the plot of the movie, but we can recognize a hot sapphic love scene when we see one. And we do, with Betty topless in jean cutoffs and Rita topless on the couch. (Was it the "topless" that tipped us off?)
9 1/2 weeks
Sure, adventurous New Yorkers John (Mickey Rourke) and Elizabeth (Kim Basinger) have sex -- a whole LOT of sex -- but it's the foreplay that gets us all riled up. Strawberries, olives, pasta, Jell-O ... they're all just props in service to the couple's creative eroticism; the scene in which he blindfolds her and melts ice cubes on her naked body does the opposite of cooling us down. Ah, food: It's not just for dinner anymore.
I saw like 20 minutes of this movie, and i really should just watch it...but it's not like seeing anything with Michey Rourke (well, other than Sin City) is worth watching now that his face and body are all jacked up.
Out of Sight
From the moment convict Jack Foley (George Clooney) and U.S. Marshal Karen Sisco (Jennifer Lopez) first share a car trunk together, the sexual tension between them is sweltering. When the star-crossed lovers finally do seal the deal -- in a posh hotel suite overlooking a lit-up Detroit as snowflakes dot the nighttime sky -- it's like the world's sexiest snow globe's just come to life before our eyes. (Note to snow globe makers: we want a commission).
Had it playing once inthe background on tv...there was a sex scene?
Body Heat
'Double Indemnity' and 'The Postman Always Rings Twice' are undisputed classics, but let's face it, they're sorely lacking in strong sexual content. Enter Lawrence Kasdan's 1981 retooling of 'Indemnity,' fittingly dubbed an "erotic film noir" (greatest subgenre ever?), a film that's steamiest scene found William Hurt breaking and entering into a seductively red-skirted Kathleen Turner's quarters before romancing her stone as a humid Florida night gets even hotter.
Y Tu Mama Tambien
Good friends Zapata (Gael GarcÃa Bernal) and Tenoch (Diego Luna) are young boys, just 17, when they take the road trip of their lives with alluring older woman Luisa (Maribel Verdu) -- she's 28! Along the way she has sex with each of them, but in a scene pivotal to the movie and all of their lives, she teases them into a frenzy in a cantina, leads them back to the hotel room and and proceeds to put the "aw" in sexual awakening.
WTF...they should at least count the Tom Cruise/Rebecca Demornay subway scene from Risky Business...it's on a loop but it's still pretty darn good (for a low budget 80s movie)...
Completely unrelated, but someone at work sent me this: >Look and feel Canadian breathspray
25. A history of violence
Early in the film, when Edie (Maria Bello) dons a cheerleader outfit and engages her husband Tom (Viggo Mortensen) in a 69ing session (the first in a non-porn American film), the act is sweet and tender. The same can't be said for a second, much more violent session on the stairs -- complete with slapping and screaming -- that occurs after Edie has learned Tom was once a mobster and eloquently depicts just how much their relationship has changed.
24. Desperado
Few Americans knew Mexican soap star Salma Hayek before Robert Rodriguez cast her as a bookstore owner who helps a mariachi (Antonio Banderas) avenge the death of his wife. But no one could deny Hayek's ample talents (or bosoms) after the sexy, candlelit romp she shares with Banderas. Incidentally, we don't blame Antonio for forgoing blood-soaked vengeance in favor of some between-the-sheets time with salsa-hot Salma.
Okay seriously...wtf. This should be number one. In fact, there's not even a need for porn thanks to this movie, it's THAT good. WTF is wrong with people...number one all the way. Heck, the only reason I originally saw this movie was 'cause in the commercial, there's the scene where Antonio Banderas is hiding and trying to reload his gun and as he pushes the cartridge in and it clicks, he does this smooth "oooh" thing...i was salivating the entire movie waiting just for that scene.
The big easy
New Orleans detective Remy McSwain (Dennis Quaid) and prudish DA Anne Osborne (Ellen Barkin) are polar opposites, making them, of course, perfect for each other. But it's not their super-charged chemistry that makes this scene so hot; it's the uncertain awkwardness of their coupling that makes this one of the most realistic -- and steamiest -- sex scenes ever filmed. "I never did have much luck with sex anyway," admits Anne. We'll bet she does now.
Young Frankenstein
Madeline Kahn, as Dr. Frankenstein's frosty fiancée Elizabeth, comes undone upon seeing the monster's (Peter Boyle) "enormous schwanstucker." She melts with his advances, breaking into operatic song at the climactic moment (or final-final moment of the seven or eight that the pair enjoy). Those white streaks in the bride of Frankenstein's hair? According to this comedy, they're caused by the ferocity of Frank's sexytime. It's alive, indeed.
Brokeback Mountain
While Ang Lee's groundbreaking drama would prove to be the most high-profile gay love story of our time, it was the buzzed-about sex scene between Jake Gyllenhaal and Heath Ledger that really piqued the curiosity of more open-minded moviegoers. Sure, the Wyoming mountains are frigid, but their rugged embrace inside that tent isn't the least bit about body heat. Of course, the unforgettable scene also gives a whole new meaning to the term "Ride 'em, cowboy."
Okay has anyone SEEN this movie? Let's put it this way...and i'll have to quote Carrie..."They better get to the gay sex soon..." ...that movie was primarily about SHEEP for the first one hour. And there's only ONE sex scene between Jake and Heath. It's an interesting story, but best sex scenes in a movie? Hardly.
Blow Up
The most iconic scene from Michaelangelo Antonioni's film about a hot-shot photographer (David Hemmings) has the actor, in an orgiastic photo shoot, straddling supermodel Veruschka and ravaging her with his ... camera. Frankly, it's even wilder than his threesome with two teen groupies (yes, really). Antonioni's film was so scandalous, it was released without a rating -- but the arthouse flick was nominated for two Oscars anyway. Take that, MPAA.
Boys Don't Cry
Hilary Swank won a Best Actress Oscar for her portrayal of Brandon Teena, a she living as a he; Chloe Sevigny garnered a Best Supporting Actress nom as Brandon's girlfriend Lana. In one of the best scenes, their lovemaking is both tender and passionate, and Lana's "big O" is not so much big as it is pivotal. She knows at this point that everything is not as it seems with Brandon, but she also knows that no man has ever satisfied her in quite this way.
Okay i didn't watch this from beginning to end and i only catch it when it's on TV...i've never seen the sex scenes 'cause the whole movie sort of creeped me out...not because of the concept of a chick living a dude...but because Hilary Swank is a little too believable and because the violent scenes freaked me out.
BOogie Nights
Wait, this one's too easy, right? It's a film about porn, for crying out loud. But when Dirk Diggler (Mark Wahlberg) and Amber Waves (Julianne Moore) film what is, in fact, this movie's only porn scene, we see not smut (bam chicka bam) but tenderness, from Amber's mother-hen protectiveness to Dirk's eager desire to make it "sexy." Who cares that the camera guy doesn't get his "money shot"? When the scene's over, Dirk's become a big, bright, shining star. That's right!
I dunno...it seems wrong that a movie about the porn industry can count in this type of list. And truly, Julianne Moore just looked WAY too old for Marky Mark so there was nothing sexy about that. At best, the parts with Roller Girl kind of compensate. I guess.
Sex and Lucia
Paz Vega is a waitress who recalls the best moments of her ill-fated love affair with a writer, Lorenzo (Tristan Ulloa), in this Spanish flick. She was obsessed with him, and it shows -- she does a strip-tease for him, they fervently make love and she holds his, um, manhood ardently. Oh, this is why
American Pie
Apple pie, once the purview of moms and church picnics, gets a horrifying and hilarious makeover once Jim (Jason Biggs) decides to test the theory that getting to third base feels "like warm apple pie." (By the look on his face, we're guessing he likes it on third.) The unrated DVD version is even more explicit: He climbs up on top of the kitchen island to finish the deed. But we have to admit, the missionary position seems a little, well, tame for baked goods, doesn't it?
(shrug) more humorous than sexy really. But...yes, best sex scenes in a movie doesn't have to mean that it actually could turn anyone on. Unless you're a baked good.
Don't Look Now
Yes, it's a creepy psychological horror movie, but nested within is a frank three-minute sex scene that is at once moving and totally hot. Donald Sutherland and Julie Christie are husband and wife vacationing in Venice; their daughter has recently drowned, so the two are not in a good place emotionally -- with themselves or each other. They reconnect in their hotel room and show that married sex can be sexy, too.
Wild Things
What's the only thing better than hot, nubile young things Denise Richards and Neve Campbell stripping naked and getting it on with Matt Dillon? That's simple: Richards and Campbell stripping naked and getting it on WITHOUT Matt Dillon ... in a swimming pool ... dripping wet ... after trying to drown each other ... in a film that also stars Kevin Bacon and Bill Murray. One word: genius.
So my big confession is that i've only seen this on tv, which means a good chunk of the nudity got cut out. But i've seen enough of it online to reaffirm why i've never actually rented this: Neve Campbell is crazy ugly, she's super irrating, she's a horrible actress, and nothing about Denise Richards compensates for any of that. Unless Neve is wearing a paper bag and no one told me.
Betty Blue
The titular (heh, we said "titular") Betty Blue (Beatrice Dalle) was crazy in love ... make that crazy and in love. The opening sex scene between her and boyfriend Zorg (Jean-Hugues Anglade) sets the tone for the movie, which features an enormous amount of nudity and explicit sex, even for a French film. Sadly, Betty's amour burns too bright; she descends into madness before movie's end.
Coming HOme
Uptight Army wife Sally Hyde (Jane Fonda) falls for paraplegic Vietnam vet Luke Martin (Jon Voight) in this anti-war drama that earned Oscars for both actors. He may not be able to walk, but in their classic sex scene he proves he can still please a woman, and how -- she has her first orgasm (ever!) with his, er, vocal encouragement. This is how most war veterans would like to be treated upon their return, we'd wager.
Monster's Ball
Leticia Musgrove (Halle Berry) and Hank Grotowski (Billy Bob Thornton) find a physical way to numb the pain in their lives (her husband was killed on death row, her son in a car accident; he's a death-row guard whose son kills himself). Their initial coupling is animalistic and raw, and it's clear that Leticia's idea of feeling "good" is a little different from most folks'. For her searing performance, Berry won a much-deserved Best Actress Oscar.
Best sex scene my ass. It was very realistic, and props for the Oscars and all that...but seriously, it was not a GOOD sex scene. It was a little too realistic, like iw as looking through someone's window. And if that's the window i peeked into, i'd vomit. This is Halle Barry looking like garbage, not Super Hot Halle Barry.
Team AMerica
Leave it to 'South Park' creators Trey Parker and Matt Stone to envision a marionette-on-marionette sex romp so vulgar that it had to be cut to avoid an NC-17 rating. Even so, these two dolls get it on in ways even the Kama Sutra never imagined, as well as the standard missionary, reverse cowgirl and 69 positions. But the best part by far: Neither puppet has genitalia.
I need to see this frickin' movie...
The unbearable lightness of being
Tomas (Daniel Day Lewis) is a Czechoslovakian man of many hats: He's a doctor, a philosopher, a playa. But nothing turns him on like a woman IN a hat, and Lena Olin may be the finest creature ever to don one on screen (a bowler hat, for sure) in the most memorable of many kinky scenes in this 1988 drama. No wonder Prague's become such a hot destination for travelers.
Bound
How sexy is Gina Gershon's ex-con in this blood-soaked debut from 'The Matrix' masterminds Andy and Larry Wachowski? Her character's name is "Corky," and we don't mind in the slightest. Couple her with curvy sexpot Jennifer Tilly, who eventually screws over her sleazy mobster boyfriend (sleaze master Joe Pantoliano) after falling for Corky, and you have Exhibit A in the case of "Why So Many Men (and Plenty of Women) Love Lesbian Sex Scenes."
Unfaithful
It was a tossup with this one -- but after great debate, we chose the illicit bathroom tryst over the we-know-it's-over hallway encounter. Diane Lane as Connie Sumner and Olivier Martinez as Paul Martel steam up most of the flick; knowing that her ladies-who-lunch friends are waiting in the cafe while they're going at it in the bathroom stall is just too hot for words. Wait, there's one we can think of: Aahhh.
Ahhhh yes, I agree on that bathroom one. Good call.
Secretary
Self-mutilating wallflower Lee Holloway (Maggie Gyllenhaal) and her controlling boss E. Edward Grey (James Spader) spend their office hours bonding, so to speak, in a sadomasochistic relationship that's as twisted as it is thrilling. But when Edward finally admits his love for Lee, bathing her in his tub and making love to her on a grass-covered bed, you see that their connection transcends spankings and dog collars. It's by far the sweetest moment in the history of S&M.
Mullholland Drive
Rita (Laura Elena Harring) and Betty (Naomi Watts) -- or is it Diane and Camilla? -- are enmeshed in David Lynch's dreamlike story of love, betrayal, death and grief. That's about all we can suss out on the plot of the movie, but we can recognize a hot sapphic love scene when we see one. And we do, with Betty topless in jean cutoffs and Rita topless on the couch. (Was it the "topless" that tipped us off?)
9 1/2 weeks
Sure, adventurous New Yorkers John (Mickey Rourke) and Elizabeth (Kim Basinger) have sex -- a whole LOT of sex -- but it's the foreplay that gets us all riled up. Strawberries, olives, pasta, Jell-O ... they're all just props in service to the couple's creative eroticism; the scene in which he blindfolds her and melts ice cubes on her naked body does the opposite of cooling us down. Ah, food: It's not just for dinner anymore.
I saw like 20 minutes of this movie, and i really should just watch it...but it's not like seeing anything with Michey Rourke (well, other than Sin City) is worth watching now that his face and body are all jacked up.
Out of Sight
From the moment convict Jack Foley (George Clooney) and U.S. Marshal Karen Sisco (Jennifer Lopez) first share a car trunk together, the sexual tension between them is sweltering. When the star-crossed lovers finally do seal the deal -- in a posh hotel suite overlooking a lit-up Detroit as snowflakes dot the nighttime sky -- it's like the world's sexiest snow globe's just come to life before our eyes. (Note to snow globe makers: we want a commission).
Had it playing once inthe background on tv...there was a sex scene?
Body Heat
'Double Indemnity' and 'The Postman Always Rings Twice' are undisputed classics, but let's face it, they're sorely lacking in strong sexual content. Enter Lawrence Kasdan's 1981 retooling of 'Indemnity,' fittingly dubbed an "erotic film noir" (greatest subgenre ever?), a film that's steamiest scene found William Hurt breaking and entering into a seductively red-skirted Kathleen Turner's quarters before romancing her stone as a humid Florida night gets even hotter.
Y Tu Mama Tambien
Good friends Zapata (Gael GarcÃa Bernal) and Tenoch (Diego Luna) are young boys, just 17, when they take the road trip of their lives with alluring older woman Luisa (Maribel Verdu) -- she's 28! Along the way she has sex with each of them, but in a scene pivotal to the movie and all of their lives, she teases them into a frenzy in a cantina, leads them back to the hotel room and and proceeds to put the "aw" in sexual awakening.
WTF...they should at least count the Tom Cruise/Rebecca Demornay subway scene from Risky Business...it's on a loop but it's still pretty darn good (for a low budget 80s movie)...
Completely unrelated, but someone at work sent me this: >Look and feel Canadian breathspray
Afterthoughts...
Just had a horrible dream involving friends/coworkers and betrayal...so...I take back my last post about The Hills. Brody was wrong!
And yes, it's pathetic that my life has been lowered to his level...where a nightmare about something causes me to wake up and think "damn Brody Jenner should stick by Spencer no matter what..."...
That's my Morning Random Thought and Gripe.
Since we're on the topic, for people who can't tell the diff before/after the plastic surgery:
And yes, it's pathetic that my life has been lowered to his level...where a nightmare about something causes me to wake up and think "damn Brody Jenner should stick by Spencer no matter what..."...
That's my Morning Random Thought and Gripe.
Since we're on the topic, for people who can't tell the diff before/after the plastic surgery:
Tuesday, September 04, 2007
This effing heat is insane
DAYAM...i came into work and it was 87 degrees. EIGHTY SEVEN...crazy. I had to snake one of my coworker's fans in order to survive. Everyone moved a little slower...maybe from the holiday, maybe because we felt like chicken pot pie baking in the oven.
mmmm...chicken pot pie...mmgughghghnnn
After much debate with a friend in Toronto over The Hills, I must say...I'm on team Brody. Mostly because Spencer should be shot for his bad attitude, arrogance, and stupid facial hair. And also because....
Brody slept with LC....
Brody and Spencer are friends
Spencer hypnotizes Heidi
LC hates Spencer
LC and Heidi are no longer friends
....somehow Brody and LC being friends is an attack on Spencer? I disagree...Spencer doesn't have a monopoly on who can and can't be friends. If he dumped Heidi, he couldn't care a LESS about LC...it's only because he wants to control Heidi, control the people in her life, and in turn he has to make sure that if person X who can't be around Heidi also can't be around his friends.
Dude needs to chill out...(or as LC would say "homeboy" needs to chill out)...Brody isn't Spencer boyfriend. Brody isn't choosing LC over Spencer. It's a non-issue. These guys are all hanging out with the chicks because of their Bone-ability factor. If LC were ugly, Brody wouldn't even be talking to her.
Basically, it has nothing to do with Heidi and LC. Brady doesn't have to be loyal to Heidi. And Spencer saying that LC is his "enemy" is just being overly dramatic and selfish, becuase by that rationale i'm going to call EVERYONE i don't get along with my "enemy", and suddenly now no one in my life can associate with them?
And yes...this is a discussion best left to high school kids in between Calculus and English Lit.
mmmm...chicken pot pie...mmgughghghnnn
After much debate with a friend in Toronto over The Hills, I must say...I'm on team Brody. Mostly because Spencer should be shot for his bad attitude, arrogance, and stupid facial hair. And also because....
Brody slept with LC....
Brody and Spencer are friends
Spencer hypnotizes Heidi
LC hates Spencer
LC and Heidi are no longer friends
....somehow Brody and LC being friends is an attack on Spencer? I disagree...Spencer doesn't have a monopoly on who can and can't be friends. If he dumped Heidi, he couldn't care a LESS about LC...it's only because he wants to control Heidi, control the people in her life, and in turn he has to make sure that if person X who can't be around Heidi also can't be around his friends.
Dude needs to chill out...(or as LC would say "homeboy" needs to chill out)...Brody isn't Spencer boyfriend. Brody isn't choosing LC over Spencer. It's a non-issue. These guys are all hanging out with the chicks because of their Bone-ability factor. If LC were ugly, Brody wouldn't even be talking to her.
Basically, it has nothing to do with Heidi and LC. Brady doesn't have to be loyal to Heidi. And Spencer saying that LC is his "enemy" is just being overly dramatic and selfish, becuase by that rationale i'm going to call EVERYONE i don't get along with my "enemy", and suddenly now no one in my life can associate with them?
And yes...this is a discussion best left to high school kids in between Calculus and English Lit.
Monday, September 03, 2007
Something Wall-mart this way comes
People have bizarro interests, and some of mine include:
1. The psychology between men and women
2. The business that is Walmart
3. Cultural aspects of beauty (reminds me: Alanna, you still have my book!)
Today...let's talk walmart.
You don't need 3 copies of the same movie Cartman!
Walmart's under ALOT of pressure lately because as much at they try to move forward and stop being a ghetto hillbilly store, sadly...that's pretty much their main consumer.
They discovered that along with rednecks, regular working people (i.e. middle income people like you and me) tend to shop there for basic staples (toilet paper, crap you can buy anywhere but always cheapest at Walmart). So they tried to figure out ways to get us middle income people to STAY at Walmart and spend more. They tried to bring in higher-end stuff, like more expensive furnishings and their "George" line of clothing.
Now this pissed off the hillbillies and rednecks big time. Like the older rural women aren't happy with the clothing options now, becuase they don't want trendy hiphuggers and stuff. And the managers are pissed off 'cause they dont' want expensive lamps to replace their cheapie lamps, because college kids are a huge part of their demographic too.
The latest thing to piss off the hillbillies this week has been the removal of Walmart's layaway program. I had no idea walmart even HAD a layaway program. Layaway is for stuff that you want NOW, might not be there TOMORROW, so you promise to pay tomorrow if NOW the manager will keep it in back for you. WTF is there at Walmart now that you can't just wait till you save the money?
Well people are pissed. Because Walmart is assuming in this day and age of credit cards that people can still buy now, pay later. Uhhh, yes that is a correct assumption. However, the hillbillies are steamin' mad over this. I guess alot of people right around this time buy their Xmas gifts. One lady was quoted as saying that she hopes she'll have the money at Xmastime for her kids' gifts since she cant do layway.
Now maybe i'm an idiot...but either you pay it off later when it's on layaway...or you just buy it later...isn't it all the same thing? And WTF is at Walmart that you can't just save up for? If you have to put your son's XBox 360 on layaway, then maybe you aren't in a financial position to buy one. Or put it on your credit card. Or...just a thought...how about you just SAVE UP and buy it a week before xmas?
And...to Walmart's defense...why should they put stuff aside, interest-free, for consumers when credit companies are making good coin charging interest with relatively the same concept?
The other issue that hillbillies are griping about is the reduction of the fabric department. Yes, walmart has a fabric department. One article I read quoted an old lady having to drive out 2 hours to get her fabric because Walmart is getting rid of that department. GASP...for shame, a company actually noticing what sells and what doesn't, and removing the items or departments that aren't financially sound. Walmart isn't a government agency people...it's a BUSINESS. They aren't there to provide you with affordable crap. They're there to take your dough, even if it seems like a good buy.
Apparently part of Walmart's big problem is that they don't pay attention to what the managers on the floor are saying that people want (probably because then they'd be stuck with fabric on layaway). They also don't allow managers to order stuff that's out of stock, regardless if the shelves are empty...it's all about the quantities listed in the system. Have you ever attempted to get mascara from Walmart? Cosmetics are impossible 'cause they never HAVE anything there...turns out that that's their #1 most shoplifted department, and if the system still says it's in stock...well tough luck, they're never going to replace the item.
As high tech of a system, it seems a little archaic.
Anyway...that's the kind of crap that fascinates me. I'm not sure WHY...i think just 'cause they're so hated and yet, you can't help but shop there if you need cheap toilet paper.
1. The psychology between men and women
2. The business that is Walmart
3. Cultural aspects of beauty (reminds me: Alanna, you still have my book!)
Today...let's talk walmart.
You don't need 3 copies of the same movie Cartman!
Walmart's under ALOT of pressure lately because as much at they try to move forward and stop being a ghetto hillbilly store, sadly...that's pretty much their main consumer.
They discovered that along with rednecks, regular working people (i.e. middle income people like you and me) tend to shop there for basic staples (toilet paper, crap you can buy anywhere but always cheapest at Walmart). So they tried to figure out ways to get us middle income people to STAY at Walmart and spend more. They tried to bring in higher-end stuff, like more expensive furnishings and their "George" line of clothing.
Now this pissed off the hillbillies and rednecks big time. Like the older rural women aren't happy with the clothing options now, becuase they don't want trendy hiphuggers and stuff. And the managers are pissed off 'cause they dont' want expensive lamps to replace their cheapie lamps, because college kids are a huge part of their demographic too.
The latest thing to piss off the hillbillies this week has been the removal of Walmart's layaway program. I had no idea walmart even HAD a layaway program. Layaway is for stuff that you want NOW, might not be there TOMORROW, so you promise to pay tomorrow if NOW the manager will keep it in back for you. WTF is there at Walmart now that you can't just wait till you save the money?
Well people are pissed. Because Walmart is assuming in this day and age of credit cards that people can still buy now, pay later. Uhhh, yes that is a correct assumption. However, the hillbillies are steamin' mad over this. I guess alot of people right around this time buy their Xmas gifts. One lady was quoted as saying that she hopes she'll have the money at Xmastime for her kids' gifts since she cant do layway.
Now maybe i'm an idiot...but either you pay it off later when it's on layaway...or you just buy it later...isn't it all the same thing? And WTF is at Walmart that you can't just save up for? If you have to put your son's XBox 360 on layaway, then maybe you aren't in a financial position to buy one. Or put it on your credit card. Or...just a thought...how about you just SAVE UP and buy it a week before xmas?
And...to Walmart's defense...why should they put stuff aside, interest-free, for consumers when credit companies are making good coin charging interest with relatively the same concept?
The other issue that hillbillies are griping about is the reduction of the fabric department. Yes, walmart has a fabric department. One article I read quoted an old lady having to drive out 2 hours to get her fabric because Walmart is getting rid of that department. GASP...for shame, a company actually noticing what sells and what doesn't, and removing the items or departments that aren't financially sound. Walmart isn't a government agency people...it's a BUSINESS. They aren't there to provide you with affordable crap. They're there to take your dough, even if it seems like a good buy.
Apparently part of Walmart's big problem is that they don't pay attention to what the managers on the floor are saying that people want (probably because then they'd be stuck with fabric on layaway). They also don't allow managers to order stuff that's out of stock, regardless if the shelves are empty...it's all about the quantities listed in the system. Have you ever attempted to get mascara from Walmart? Cosmetics are impossible 'cause they never HAVE anything there...turns out that that's their #1 most shoplifted department, and if the system still says it's in stock...well tough luck, they're never going to replace the item.
As high tech of a system, it seems a little archaic.
Anyway...that's the kind of crap that fascinates me. I'm not sure WHY...i think just 'cause they're so hated and yet, you can't help but shop there if you need cheap toilet paper.
Interest breeds expectation
I started a new blog just for running: 3.1 before 31, just to keep myself accountable for this running stuff.
After spending Saturday in Santa Monica, I realized the difference between San Francisco, LA, and Orange County people....
San Francisco is full of snobby hippies. They wear nasty smelling clothing, but because it's hemp then it's okay.
Los Angeles people act like they know soooooooo much about the world around them, and that they're doing their part by driving a Prius but then they go around acting like they're the most worldly people on the planet. Pretentious much?
As for Orange County...yeah, people drive Priuses (plural: Prii?)...but they also drive their Hummers on weekends. They don't act like they care about the environment or like they're worldly...they're snobs, yes, but they're snobs in the true sense of it: they can buy name brand stuff.
Out of all 3, I prefer Orange County...at least their snobbiness is related to material goods, not a state of mind. They don't think they're better because their ideals are so wonderful...they think they're better because their purses are better.
And that, to me, is how it should be.
After spending Saturday in Santa Monica, I realized the difference between San Francisco, LA, and Orange County people....
San Francisco is full of snobby hippies. They wear nasty smelling clothing, but because it's hemp then it's okay.
Los Angeles people act like they know soooooooo much about the world around them, and that they're doing their part by driving a Prius but then they go around acting like they're the most worldly people on the planet. Pretentious much?
As for Orange County...yeah, people drive Priuses (plural: Prii?)...but they also drive their Hummers on weekends. They don't act like they care about the environment or like they're worldly...they're snobs, yes, but they're snobs in the true sense of it: they can buy name brand stuff.
Out of all 3, I prefer Orange County...at least their snobbiness is related to material goods, not a state of mind. They don't think they're better because their ideals are so wonderful...they think they're better because their purses are better.
And that, to me, is how it should be.
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