Movie Review: Without a Paddle

Movie Review: Without a Paddle

Without a Paddle features 3 actors that I kinda dig in random comedies...Dax Sheppard (of PUnk'd fame), Matthew Lilliard (sp) (from Hackers) and Seth Green (hello...can you say Austin Powers??)...so I actuallyhad pretty high hopes for this comedy.

WELL...let me tell you...formulaic doesn't even begin to explain the half of it.

The 3 guys were childhood buddies and are forced to reunite upon the death of their 4th childhood buddy. They find their old treehouse and decide as a group they're going to find some Random Old Dude's Lost Treasure...jobs and girlfriends and real life be damned.

Let's see...Seth Green plays the piddly nerdy guy...BAD choice of roles. He's better off being the snot-faced brat we've seen him as. Matthew Lilliard plays this responsible wall-street type...wtf is that about?! Did the casting director not SEE Hackers or Scoopy Do? This guy is best at playing oddball freaks. And Dax playing the screwup of the bunch is just depressing.

So of COURSE Seth Green thinks it's a bad idea and complains the entire time. And of COURSE their journey into nature goes downhill...apparently when this movie was made (2004?), cell phones were very rare because only one of the three guys had one. Which...NATURALLY...gets consumed by a bear.

Hijinx ensue, including being chased by some pot growers with guns, meeting gorgeous tree hugging hippies, and getting saved by some wilderness dude played by Burt Reynolds.

I can't tell you exactly how it ends because at this point my netflix rental totally got jacked up in the DVD so I had to return it. Needless to say, the moral of the movie was that the "treasure" isn't money...it's about appreciate life, this moment, and making it last.

Whatever. Try telling a homeless person to choose between a meaningful life or money and i'm sure they'll pick the latter. Heck, I would.

Elementary school...

Oh thank the LORD that I've learned the art of dressing as well as plucking my eyebrows. And Bryan...you look SO MUCH better now! 8th grade memories should be burned.

Nastiness to the nth degree

Supersizing it: McDonald's tests bigger burger
Angus Third Pounder exceeding sales goals in California roll-out

Okay seriously people...SERIOUSLY! A third of a pound! Most of the time people want to LOSE a pound...not add a 3rd of it! Seriously..if you ate one for breakfast, lunch, and dinner, you'd be a pound heavier! Granted some of it gets converted to energy, but take it from someone who's worked at McD's...you might as well consume a third of a pound of lard.

I mean, if you're THAT hungry...just order two burgers...

Movie Review: The Descent

Movie Review: The Descent

I heard this movie was super scary so I was pretty psyched to see it. I haven't seen a terrifying movie since The Ring (although 28 Days kinda creepy me out...but just 'cause I would go to bed thinking "what if there WERE some sort of disease that made people like that?)...

But...I digress.

The Descent is a semi-low budget movie with no famous people in it. Which oftentimes is good, because then it feels a bit more "real" (as in, if Angelina Jolie were in it, I'd be fully aware that her fate isn't at risk).

The title of the movie has two different meanings...the obvious one is that 6 girls go off to explore underground caverns. The other relatively obvious meaning is the descent into madness.

So the general gist is that there's 6 girls who are adventurous "yeah girl power woo hoo" types and they get together for a weekend of girly adventure crap. One chick's husband and child died recently, and it's hinted early on that one of the other chicks (aka Asian Tough Girl) was having an affair (even if just emotional) with the Dead Husband.

The 6 girls are:
Asian Tough Girl
The Widow (our heroine for the movie with a brit accent)
Party Girl Friend (brit accent)
Plain Girl (american)
The Medical Intern (american, younger sis of Plain Girl)
The Irish Lesbian (I don't know if she's a lesbian, but she kinda looks it)

The girls all go underground, they're all oohing and ahhing, with Asian Tough GIrl leading the way. They go through this nook in the cavern, until the nook collapses. So they're trapped in the cavern, they've lost a bag of ropes, and then Asian Tough Girl admits they're not in a mapped out cave...it's one no one's ever gone through and she thought it would be great if they could explore it and then name it. They start FREAKING out.

Ohhh snap...does this hardhat make me look fat?


Along they go, deeper and deeper in this underground cavern with just flashlights and flares. The Widow keeps hearing little noises and thinks she sees a dude...but everyone thinks she's nuts.

The Lesbian at one points sees light and runs towards it (turns out, some rocks glow phosphorus), trips, falls in a hole, jacks up her leg to the point the bone has popped. Insert the convenience of having a Medical Intern to rig something up so they can keep moving.

At this point their flashlights are dying out, they're filthy, they're bitchy...and that's when the Movie Monsters appear.

Now I have to give this movie credit. Since it's supposed to take place where ther'es little/no light, they got pretty creative in showing the scenes. The flares make stuff look red, and when they introduce the Movie Monsters it's because one chick uses the night vision on the camcorder to see stuff, which has a greenish creepy glow to it.

As you can imagine, chaos and screaming ensues. Maybe I would have been more scared if I hadn't watched it at 1pm in the afternoon, with daylight pouring in through all my windows.

God, why is it always so chilly in here?!


Overall, the movie was decent. It was VERY entertaining, once you get past the boring crap of the girls drinking and catching up the night before their descent. I guess I just say "decent" because it didn't scare me per se, but other than that I'd give the movie an 8 out of 10. The ending wasn't what I expected, and I like that these girls' reactions to things are much more realistic than in other movies (as in, there's ALOT of freaking out. Which is how it should be.)


I'm having a not-so-fresh feeling right now...


The big downfall: the "behind the scenes" stuff. The way they show how they build the sets and all that was cool...but wtf do I really give a crap to hear from the Director and what everyone thought of him? And his vision? And his life at that moment? NO! When will moviemakers get that? Unles you're a celebrity director or producer (a la Lucas and Spielburg), shut yer piehole and show the stuff the actors went through and how you made the movie.

Book review

Book Review: My Sister's Keeper by Jodi Picoult

Since I was bed-bound all weekend, I cranked through all 423 pages in one day.

This book is phenomenal.

The general gyst of the story is about a chick (Anna) who is born specifically to be a cord-blood donor for her sister (Kate) who's got leukemia. Her parents specially "picked" the same genes as the dying sister to make sure they're an exact match.

13 years later, Anna's had to donate bone marrow and platelets and other medical mumbo jumbo...and now Kate needs a kidney, and Anna doesn't want to give it. So she seeks out an attorney to have the right to NOT give her kidney, knowing that without it her sister will die. Opposing counsel? Her own mother, who used to be a lawyer in her previous life before the world of cancer came through...

What really makes this interesting is that the story progesses on a day-by-day basis until the trial, and everyone involved has a chapter. The lawyer, the chick responsible for making sure Anna's taken care of, the parents, the brother....So you can truly sympathise with all sides.

The ending is a wee little bit predictable, but still shocking to say the least.

This one paragraph actually had me bawling (okay, to my defense, I was on my deathbed...a Hallmark commercial would have made me cry). This is Sarah (the mom)'s chapter, she's in the hospital talking to Kate about her time at some camp for kids with cancer:

I pull my chair closer to the hospital bed. "Do you remember the summer we signed you up for camp? And the night before you left, you said you'd changed your mind and wanted to stay home? I told you to get a seat on the left side of the bus, so that when it pulled away, you'd be able to look back and see me there, waiting for you." I press her hand against my cheek, hard enough to leave a mark. "You get that same seat in Heaven. One where you can watch me, watching you."

Man, if the thought of ever having to tell your child that doesn't rip you apart,nothing will!

Knot in one's stomach indeed!

Thanks to everyone for being concerned about my potential trip towards the white light lol.

On another note...one of the many things that puts a knot in your stomach...when your spouse's company lays off 30% of the company...

Death is coming for me....

Karma's a bitch. This is what I get for snorting pepper. (Don't ask, 'cause I'm not gonna post what i mean on this blog!)

I can't remember the last time I was this sick. I'm thinking high school. It's a tough call, because when I lived in Canada I used to get sick on a weekly basis...the usual cold and runny nose thing, so that's the norm of life...and I moved to California and practically never got even a mild cold, I'm guessing either because I've battled so many cold viruses my immunity is made of steel OR because withthe weather and all that, it's not very conducive to getting sick.

Last Tuesday I ended up with a crazy bad fever but I toughed it out for the week....by Friday night, I was DEATH. Seriously. Death.



I did manage to get to a clinic to make sure I didn't have strep, and they said I don't but there's definitely something that's jacking up my throat (ha ha insert whatever joke you want here) and i've got a fever. I spent Friday night being delirious between crazy fever and super chills....Kraig kept asking if he could take me to the hospital but I thought between then $20 I spent on the clinic copay, plus my $50 copay to go to the hospital...pfft eff that! For $70, I can suffer.

And suffer I have...not to sound like a whiney bitch, but seriously...I'm hoping someone can club me like a baby seal and put me out of my misery. To top it off, I have laryngitis...

I'm all for sucking stuff up,hell even the nurse after the colposcopy was shocked that I would actually go back to work after that procedure and my girlfriends ripped me a new one for not having them or Kraig there with me (I don't "do" people coming in with me to the doctor)...but I've been wallowing in self misery 'cause the weather this weekend was gorgeous, I have a ton of stuff to do for Kraig's company due Monday, my house is so filthy I might as well have a sign saying "white trash lives here", and I can't begin to explain the laundry baskets full of laundry begging to be burned at this point.

Anyway, so if I'm incognito for awhile it's either because i'm in bed hacking up a lung or becuase I've figured out how to do that thing where you sit in your car with the engine running.....thank the LORD for my husband, who actually thinks that my raspy lack of a voice is cute (as he said, he likes it because i can't yell at him) and because I'm so independent, he actually LIKES it when I need him. Stab me now PLEASE.

Facebook...myspace...StalkMe.Com....

Yeahhhh...I got a Facebook profile finally. Not because I really give a crap, but it seems like everyone in Canada uses Facebook and no one I know uses myspace...it's absolutely insane how many people from my high school and university have profiles and it's super creepy to see everyone..well...OLD.

Time to go work on stuff for Kraig's company...I'm whoring my time for money.

Why I've been bitchy for a few weeks....the Colpsocopy

So...the colposcopy.

Be warned: this is gonna be graphic. You're going to squirm. Maybe. I don't know. I haven't written it yet. All i can say is that it's DEFINITELY going to fall under the category of Too Much Information. If you don't want to read about women's gonads, skip this post.

Every year I'm very diligent about getting my girly checkups from the doctor...if there's any area I want to keep intact, it's "down there". This year
was no exception.

Fast forward 2 months later...I get a call from my doctor saying that there's some abnormal cell crap going on. This was at like 7pm at night and I was driving around Lake Forest trying to find a house 'cause I was buying something off a chick from Craigslist, so I was a bit out of it when she was trying to explain this to me.
Finally I had to pull into a parking lot and stop the car. I was like "but...but...I always get checked...but..." and she told me I would need a colposcopy because they want to make sure it's not cervical cancer.

So I look this whole "colposcopy" thing online, and it seems pretty simple and (allegedly) the same pain level as a regular pap. Since regular pap smears don't hurt at all, i didn't think much of it (I mean, you feel like an a-hole laying down with your knees spread out and your feet in stirrups, but it's not PAINFUL.)...

Uhhh...riigghtt....

My first mistake was working through lunch so I could do the colposcopy late in the afternoon and then come back to work. BIG BIG mistake.

I get there and the nurse tells me waht's gonna happen. And...here's what DID happen:

1. I had to be in a big special room, not a normal room like they use for pap smears.

2. Doc puts in the usual contraption they use for pap smears. That thing that looks like a stork's beak. I can't remember wtf those things are called but you get the point.

3. This bizarre solution on a gauze pad had to be rammed up inside, up against the cervix, to get skin samples and to clean up the area. This was part 1 of the bleeding...it hurt like a mofo and it's a bit alarming to see a doctor put a cloth with your blood in a jar full of solution.

4. Doc gets a colposcope, which is like a combo microscope plus lamp, and looks deeeep inside to scope out which areas have abnormal cells.

5. Doc then CUTS out the areas on the cervis with the abnormal cells and puts them in a different container with solution.
I've felt alot of pain in my life...i've had brutal ear infections, i've had a brazillian wax, i've burned myself on lord knows what, i've slashed my hand with a huge ass knife...when i was getting that fixed the doctor even commented to kraig that i've got a crazy huge tolerance for pain...ummm yeah. Getting 2 chunks of skin cut off your cervix
is the craziest pain i've ever felt. It's not that it was so horrible as much as just...BIZARRE...it's like someone's set your internal organs on fire. To be honest, I imagine it would feel alot like if someone squeezed a dude's nuts super duper hard.


6. Think it's over yet? ohhh...no...

Then this brown goo that looks like slimy peanut butter has to be applied across the cervix to make sure everything heals (sort of like a liquid bandaid if you will). It was like pouring battery acid all over the exposed flesh.

7. FInally all the instruments are taken out of me...

My take-home instructions said I couldn't have anything inside me for 2 weeks (which includes penises and tampons) and that peanut butter stuff would come out of me in black chunks so I had to wear a pantyliner immediately after the procedure ...

Now this is the part where I remind you, the disgusted reader, that this was all during my delayed lunch break...and I actually went back to work. First off, i just felt lousy...I've been molested with a camera probe before (that was for when I did the egg donation thing, which didn't pan out since they couldn't easily find my right ovary, only AFTER the rape-age of the camera occurred), but this was like...ick factor. And my stomach had super bad cramps, like when you drink a ton of water while playing sports.

The worst pain came days later, when my period started. First off, PADS. WTF. How 70s is that? Who the eff wears pads in this day and age?! If that's not straight up Judy Blume, I don't know what is. Secondly, the cramping was out of control (I never cramp during my period). I wanted to keel over and die. Well okay that's a bit much, but it was extremely uncomfortable.

A week later I had to go back for the result of the biopsy on my precious cervical skin tissue...got regular pap smear so they could scope it all out taht it was healing properly (it was), and the results are: YAY i'm A-OK!!! I gotta get regular pap smears every 4 months for a year to make sure the abnormal stuff doesn't eventually turn into cancer, but no more colposcopies!! Yaaayyyy!

Letter to the editor

Is it any better at Ballys or LA Fitness?
I get the feeling that this is the hierarchy:
LA Fitness > Ballys > 24 Hour Fitness

And to branch on that...

LA Fitness > Ballys > riding yer bike > stabbing yourself in the eye > 24HF

The only other gyms I've belonged to were private gyms OR Gold's....Gold's kicked ASS because the people who work out there truly want to improve their physique, they're not there to socialize or be retarded like at 24HF. They have spray bottles everywhere and you HAVE to wipe down your equipment after each use with disinfectant spray or else you'll get serious flack from the other members.

That being said...as I've said before...24 Hour Fitness is the McDonald's of gyms. It's not healthy, it's not ideal, but it'll do in a pinch.

(Which is sad that the trainer I had at 24HF actually used my quote when he interviewed for a job at a more elite gym)

These so-called vacations will soon be my death

Wow, for a brief moment...i feel smart.

I'm trying to find info online on the courses that I took in University...some of these
actually sound like I required brain cells to pass them:

CSI2114 Data Structures (Last offering 2006/05) (3,0,1.5) 3 cr.
Introduction to abstract data types. Trees, binary search trees, balanced trees. Searching. Sorting. Simple examples of complexity analysis. Graphs, simple graph algorithms: depth-first and breadth-first search, minimum spanning tree, shortest path. (Lab work will be done in the Java programming language).
Prerequisite: CSI1101 or CSI1102.


CSI2121 Principles of Assembly Language Programming (Last offering 2006/01) (3,0,1.5) 3 cr.
Assembly language fundamentals, addressing modes, number representations, arithmetic and logic instructions, program control instructions, arrayprocessing. Procedures, parameters passing, stack operations and interfacing with high-level language. System functions interrupts, and input/output operations.
Prerequisite: CSI2111. Corequisite: CSI2167.


CSI3125 Concepts of Programming Languages (Last offering 2006/09) (3,0,2) 4 cr.
Classification of programming languages. Syntactic description of programming languages. Imperative programming languages: data objects, data types, control structures, sub-programs, principles of implementation. Logic programming languages. Functional programming languages. Object-oriented programming languages. Modules.
Prerequisites: CSI2114, two programming language labs selected among CSI2165, (CSI2171 or CSI2172 or CSI2173) and CSI2174. Cannot be combined for credits with CSI2115.

CSI3310 Operating System Principles (Last offering 2007/05) (3,0,1.5) 3 cr.
Review of computer architecture. Processes and threads. Processor scheduling. Concurrency, mutual exclusion, and synchronization. Deadlock and starvation. Memory management and virtual memory. File management and I/O management.
Prerequisite: CSI2121 or CEG3131.


Ha ha funny that alot of the classes I took are now obsolete. Much like my degree I guess.

MAT2343 Elements of Discrete Mathematics (3,0,0) 3 cr.
Basic counting techniques. Generating functions. Recurrence relations. Inclusion-exclusion principle. Graph theory: eulerian and hamiltonian graphs, planarity, coloring, digraphs, graphs and matrices. Matching.
Prerequisite: MAT1341 or MAT1361.

MAT1322 Calculus II (3,0,0) 3 cr.
Further techniques of integration. Improper integrals. Applications of the integral. Separable differential equations. Euler's method for differential equations. Sequences, series. Taylor's formula and series. Functions of two and three variables. Partial derivatives, the chain rule, directional derivatives, tangent planes and normal lines.
Prerequisite: MAT1320.


Ahhh good times feeling remotely smart. Now...not so much. In case anyone really cares,
here's the link
to the exact program that i did.

On another note, I was emailing Nicole D about St. Patty's day and I got this freakin'
Canadian drinking song in my head so I started singing it at work...well then I absolutely had to
find the mp3 online so I could play it for the poor souls who sit near me...I can't believe i actually found it
easily online for free..listen to it here...Home for a Rest...i dont' care
what kind of swanky high class bar you're in, that will ALWAYS be played at some point in the night 'cause it's upbeat (it gets faster after the first few lines),
it's about drinking, and allows drunk Canadians to hug each other while drinking and jumping up and down.

These so called vacations will soon be my death! I've been drunk for a week, I've been drunk since I left!

I got some medical results back from the doctor, i still ahve to discuss the colposcope (ohh joy), but on another note I have "dangerously low" levels of B12. When babies
are born, they have on average 2000 (whatever units) of B12 in 'em. I had....141. So that explains:
1. My general retardness...I find myself not being half as sharp as I used to be...I guess a lack of B12 can cause dementia. At least I have an excuse!
2. The fatique...thank the LORD 'cause I really was feeling like I was going insane. I can't begin to tell you how much I fantasize about sleep during the course of the day. Okay, granted,
part of that comes from the diet pepsi addiction, but even when i'm pounding that stuff back i'm exhausted. It doesn't even give me a jolt...i only drink it because I get headaches when I don't.

For now, i'm popping multi-vitamins and I've gotta get checked again in a month 'cause if vitamins don't help, it could be a lack of "intrinsic factor", blah blah.

I absolutely cannot WAIT for memorial day weekend. Four days of nonstop sleeping. That's the weekend where I wean myself off the diet pepsi...not even so much 'cause I care about the addiction
but more because I'm very vain about my teeth (and there's only so often I can bleach 'em) and I'm thinking that I'll kick myself when I'm old and my bones break.

Mmm....sleeeeeep....I'm gonna curl up in a ball on the bed with the cats around me and i'm gonna be in HEAVENNNNNN....

Movie Review: OPEN WATER

Movie Review: Open Water aka: a movie about 2 people surrounded by sharks and not even scared of them becuase they're too busy complaining about how they want a refund on their diving trip.

When the movie Open Water hit the theaters, it got crazy good reviews. I'm guessing because it's based on a true story. And when people say "Based on a true story" or "Based on actual events", you know that the only part that is "actual" is the part where the main character brushes their teeth.

But I figure...it's a shark movie, so I don't really care for accuracy as much as the "crap my pants" factor.

Well...let's just say...I'm betting this really is exactly how it happened.

It's 2 hours of a couple swimming in the ocean combined with 3 minutes of a shark taking a chomp out of the dude's leg. That's it.

Well let me even elaborate...It's 2 hours of...
1. Cheap filming (you can hear every background noise).
2. Them packing their bags and heading in the dude's car. Her being frantic about leaving work behind.
3. Them vegging out on vacation.
4. Them in their hotel room (alert! boob shot! and they don't even have sex! Miss Thang has a sunburnt nose!)
5. Buddy brushes his teeth.
6. Middle of the night, the guy has to kill a fly.
7. They go out on a tour boat thingy to go diving
8. Some new york guy forgot his mask. He freaks out for like 20 minutes.
9. Everyone goes diving.
10. The couple accidentally gets left behind.
11. They're in the water.
12. They stay in the water.
13. They pee in the water.
14. Girly finds candy in her wetsuit.
15. They argue in the water.
16. The timeline is displayed on screen. It's been like 8 hours.
17. Girly gets stung by a jellyfish and complains.

"Ohhhh jellyfish! It hurts! It hurts! This is the most screaming I'm going to do for the next 24 hours because I'm more scared of a frickin' jellyfish than Jaws! Ohhh my pedicure is ruined!"
18. It gets dark.
19. They complain they want their money back.
20. A shark comes by and chomps a chunk out of the guy's leg.
21. They complain some more.
22. Nighttime comes. It's cold.
23. Morning comes. it's cold.
24. Chicky realizes the boy is dead.
25. She takes her stuff off and then slips underwater.

And that's it.

Uhhh call me crazy, but when you say "based on a true story" that actually allows you to toss in moments that might be interesting to the viewer, regardless if it happened or not. Otherwise, that's THE TRUE STORY and its boring as hell.

If there was a movie about paint drying, this was it. I actually got mad after I saw it. I mean, wtf. Do they really know if they woke up to catch flies? Do they really know if she was obsessed with her laptop? No. They made it up and put it in the movie. Do we really know if she went to bed naked with sunblock on her nose (uhhh word to the wise: chicks don't SLEEP naked unless they want to stay up all night doing naked activity). Of course we don't. THey made it up. Couldn't they have made up the SHARK ATTACK A LITTLE BIT BETTER?!!!?!??!

Like the guy screaming bloody murder, the girl pulled under water, them fighting off the shark...OH yeah they had a weapon...a knife...but Dude drops it before ever using it. Hey just a thought moviemakers: show us a scene where he stabs a shark inthe eye!??!?!?!!!

Seriously. Paint drying. In movie format.

Then I thought maybe the DVD extras would maybe show a bit more about the true couple and all that. Umm...no. It was about the married couple who directed this movie. And you know what they talked about? How much the birth of their child impacted their view on moviemaking. WTF.

If I gained anything from this movie, it's that sharks aren't scary at all and that you should make sure your tour boat person remembers to pick you up.

Bathe yourself in someone else's sweat

So i have absolutely HAD IT with the excessive heat at 24 Hour Fitness. It's crazy hot in that frickin' ghetto-ass gym. Last night I was there till 11pm...which means taht it should have been relatively cool with less bodies and all...it was 78 effing degrees!

And worst of all, I know employees aren't allowed to change the temperature. WTF is up with that?! Like some dude in some random corporate office knows what it should be in southern california at night?!?!


So i did some research, and clearly i'm not the only one who feels this way:
The Squeaky Wheel

Upon a fourth call, I was told that gym employees are forbidden to adjust the AC controls and would be fired if they did so. An operations mgr. stated that only a corporate employee is allowed to set and adjust the AC. The mgr. also stated, amiably, calling 24 Hour Fitness corporate would be a waste of time since a myriad of such complaints had preceded mine; I tend to agree.
Epinions for TX location

Now recently 24 Hour Fitness has made another stupid decision by choosing to raise the temperature of their clubs to 78 degrees from 69 degrees. This was done without doubt to cut costs and boost profits at the expense of their members. The clubs blame this on the corporate office and tell you to go online and complain to them, which I did and NEVER have gotten a response yet even after 20 complaints. I then decided to call the corporate phone number presented on their website, when I called them they blame it on the club saying they have no authority over individual clubs.

So my plan is to call corporate myself and get to the bottom of this. 'Cause seriously, SERIOUSLY, it's retarded how hot they keep their gyms. Heck, eff air conditioning, just install some/more fans!

Case of the Ex

Maybe he was drunk. ..he had the phonezs

Nope. He called me originally 8am his time, and then again at 8am our time...and he was working...that's why i kept asking if he was high, but he definitely wasn't drunk....

Gettin' old....

How I know I'm getting frickin' old...

- I get hangovers when I drink (like the one I'm experiencing right now). I never used to get hangovers.

- there's wrinkle formations on my forehead

- the #1 spot where age shows: hands. And my hands are NOT looking too good anymore. (I was very vain about my hands back in the day, and even did a cheesy hand modeling thing for Suzanne's company, but now my hands look like those of the crypt keeper)

- I found myself at the magazine rack yesterday and Cosmo, Marie Claire, and Glamour didn't interest me. The "Better Homes and Gardens" special issue of Budget Decorating did. WTF. Maybe it was because when I flipped through the Cosmo article on "99 Things You Didn't Know About Sex", I discovered that I did indeed know 99 things about sex and didn't need an article to remind me.

- I'm worrying about the effects my soda drinking is having on my bones.

- I'm worried about the effects of my bad posture to my overall frame (for when i'm REAL old)

- I actually find myself appalled with the stuff that teen girls wear today. Don't get me wrong...I used to sneak out of the house with itty bitty short skirts and little crop tops (ahhh the cellulite-free days), but I was also legal drinking age when I did that....The stuff I see 14 year olds wear, i'm like, wtf! Don't go out of your way to make your daughter attractive to perverts.

- I'm valuing comfort over looking good. That applies to shoes, clothes, makeup, you name it. What I used to wear when grunging it up at home now seems very appropriate to go to social events wearing.

I had to draw the line last week when some people were trying to convince me that I could wear a purse with a big floral pattern...ummm no. The day I have a leather purse with big floral patterns all over it is the day I get my pass to Leisure World.

And I really don't want to hear the schpiel about how I'm not that old or how i look young blah blah...unless you're 18, you have no credibility as to what looks young or not.

Mannnnn...the day I get a grey hair is going to be BAD. Like, REAL bad. It's not that I'm that vain about my appearance...but deep down, I associate age with all sorts of responsibilities that I'm either ill-equipped to face or just don't want to even deal with. I was trying to think of the ideal age, 'cause I remember perfectly well at 10 wanting to be a grownup and my mom saying "yeah well trust me, you're going to wish you a kid when you grow up" ...so as a kid, i hated being a kid and as an adult, i hate being one...So the ideal age is Conception to 4 years old. Now THAT'S when life is grand.

Canadian $$$

Hey what is Canadian Money called?
Because I called the bank and I was like yea do you have any Canadian Money in stock I need like whatever the equivalent is to $40. The lady on the phone is yeah Euros we have them in stock. And I was like NO Canada...Canadian Money. She gave the phone to someone else. So yea whats the money called there?

It's a Canadian dollar :)

I've got top of the line baby fetuses!

Mannnn total chaos the past few days. I feel like I've had my head up my ass.

First off: US Citizenship paperwork. I was all happy because I FINALLY filled out the paperwork (no easy feat...do you know the EXACT date you started a job 5 years ago? Or the date you flew somewhere 5 years ago?!?!)...then I was searching for the addy to send the paperwork to as well as the costs...

It's $330 for the filing, plus $70 for the biometric fingerprinting. Thing is, i already DID that for my green card. They scanned it in electronically. Every frickin' finger. MY FINGERPRINTS HAVE NOT CHANGED. Why the EFF do i have to pay $70 for that again?

And then I came across a part where it said "refer to The Guide. I'm like "what guide?!"...there's no part number or form number referenced and on the website it doesn't link to this alleged Guide...so after serious hunting on the USCIS website I found THE GUIDE...

Uh yeah the Guide tells me I need proof of marriage, tax returns, new photos with enough border to sign my name on it, blah blah...wtf! I DID ALL THAT ALREADY...other than the photos, there's no point for that!

Argh.

Then my phone co mpletely crapped out today, I called Verizon, they figured it was the phone itself and that i need to get a replacement (its under warranty)...but then it suddenly started working sorta...really bizarre. A manager at work had the same problem, verizon made him get a new phone too and that didn't make a diff...apparently it's 'cause of the time change situation, it's effing up some people's phones...

AND...finally...the boyfriend I had in university called me today...that was super bizarre...so we chatted for a bit 'cause I thought he had a point (like he was going to tell me he's dying or that he ran into a friend of mine or something), and i kept asking "are you high? seriously, did you high-dial me?"...

Weird weird day.

Weekend wrap up

So I've been crazy lazy on posting anything, mostly because I'm tired of my own random griping and bitching and actually THINKING.

So...some upcoming topics that i WILL get around to griping about, once my brain actually wakes up...

1. Why Tom Lykas' "Lykas 101" is correct.
2. Usual tv and movie reviews
3. The joys of a colposcope (not to be confused with colonoscopy)
4. Why the Anna Nicole Smith news made bigger headlines than the war in Iraq
5. Why "smug married" couples annoy us non-smug as well


In other news, I learned last night that guys will not drink a beverage called Blue Balls, unless it's a shot...if it's a drink they won't go near it. If it's renamed to Blue Thunder then its manly enough for them to drink.

I also tried Mead for the first time ever last night...I hadn't even heard of it but the bartender tried to push beer on me (I was at a brewmaking place), I tried to explain that i don't like beer, i'm not a beer drinker, blah blah...and he said i had to try their homemade Mead...but then everyone told me it wasn't beer, it's more like a type of wine...so I don't know what hte point was. Well other than that I got a free sample so I guess I can't complain.

And...finally...MUST FILL OUT THE US CITIZENSHIP paperwork...it has to get done 'cause I can't plan any trips back to Canada until I get my head out of my ass and get all that stuff scheduled.

Letter to the editor

I guess that Canadian humor... like there choices in many things differs greatly from us American.

I watched it with someone who is a huge Office fans, and neither of us even laughed in the slightest.

Sorry, but this skit sucked... Lazy Sunday and D.I.T.B will live on forever.

First off, i said it was the best INTRO ever...and it's DIAB, not DITB....

Secondly, it's not Canadian humor...a bunch of people I know who watch the show thought it was a kickass intro...

Note the use of the word INTRO. Not the best SKIT ever...just the best INTRO ever.

And your "someone" who is a huge office fan better not be your roommate, because he isn't a "huge" fan...he waits days to download the episode and watch it...a huge fan won't go more than 24 hours without watching it after it's aired!

Egads...

Okay so I might have to retract or modify something I once said...

I believe the 2nd most beautiful woman WHO HAS HAD PLASTIC SURGERY is Holly Madison...EEK!...it's been all over the web this weekend, i've seen so many "before" shots I'm pretty horrified.

What i CAN say is that her plastic surgeon is an effing genius.

BEST snl intro ever!

I don't think I've laughed so hard at an SNL intro in my life...this was brilliant.

Movie Review: Saw 3

Let's recap the first Saw movies...
Saw: FABULOUS. Effing brilliant. NO ONE saw that ending coming. Absolutely wonderful.
Saw 2: So-so....it was entertaining, but my beef was that no one "won" the game...so that irked me. But hands-down, the "needle room" is the creepiest effing thing ever. I still get all curled up and grossed out when I think of it.

And now...onto the 3rd one.

I purposely held out until it was on DVD before watching it...I don't like watching horror movies in the theater (takes away from the creepiness).

((watching the Red Carpet stuff as I type this...OMG I can't stand Gwyneth, but she looks absolutely gorgeous, that dress is the perfect shade of blush))

This 3rd movie does the usual stuff...Jigsaw wanting to play a game, people being all confused but having to figure stuff out within a few minutes...

The good stuff:
The people who makes these movies really have a f*cked up mind. I give them alot of credit for trying to come up with super bizarre ways for people to torture themselves. The last "torture" was a dude in a vice...his bone breaks out of his skin, effing nasty stuff.

((Beyonce's dress is the usual stuff she always wears...Hands down, my favorite dress is Rachel Weisz's gown...i'm trying to remember where I saw it elsewhere, I know another celeb wore it))

The bad stuff:
Well...there's only so often I can take those bizarre choppy film editing methods. And Jigsaw's constant relentless "here's your problem, you spend so much time doing blah blah blah you fail to see that blah blah blah so just like you like being around the dead you are dead inside blah blah this is your game blah blah blah". Enough! Shut up! Someone kill the guy already!

((Helen Mirren looks crazy fabulous...if I look like her when I'm old, all the botox will have paid off. Cate Blanchett missed the mark with her dress and hair))

So final conclusion...if you feel the "need" to watch these movies because you've already invested yourself in the first 2, then yeah it's worth watching. But if you're looking to be freaked out...forget it. Not worth the 2 hours. What's interesting is that they're making Saw 4, I guess covering more of Jigsaw's background or something like that.

Time to watch more of the Red Carpet...Nicole Kidman is so boring, even her ugly bow on her dress is boring....

Of bunnies and viagra

I dig "The Girls Next Door". Not just becuase it's another cheesy CelebReality show, but because I actually find Hef and the history of Playboy to be quite fascinating. I like learning about how "firsts" of any industry are created. I mean, you gotta have ALOT of balls to say "Listen, let's be real. Dudes like naked women. Dudes like photos of naked women. So...how can I make money off of this?"

I also think his main GF Holly Madison is the most gorgeous female on the planet, second only to Aishwarya Rai.

So when I came across this summary of a book written by an ex-Playmate, I had to paste it here...and I'm definitely gonna read the book. This bellearama Liverjournal chick can't spell worth crap, but it's a fabulous summary:

Inside the PlayBoy Mansion
Whelp, I read a book about “behind the scenes at the Playboy mansion”, which was written by one of his ex girlfriends, Izabella St. James, who was one of the seven girlfriends. She was there when Holly & Bridget came, and describes how it downsized to three, includes the incentives Hef gives the girls, the duties of the girls and sex with Hef. I wrote a pretty detailed summary behind the cut & separated it into categories, ENJOY!


Incentives of being a Girlfriend
When an event such as the Grammy’s is coming up, Hef will give them $2000 for an outfit, hair and whatever else. Later, the amount went down to $1000 and for some girls, none.
Every Friday morning the girls get $1000 for the week. You have about an hour to get this money, and if you’re out of town or sleep in too late, you won’t get your money for the week & no, you can’t ask for an advance if you know you won’t be at the mansion that day, no excuse – including family emergency. You need to go to Hef’s room between about 8-9 in the morning, and ask for your money. This is usually the time that Hef will tell you what you can do better or change.
For your birthday, girls usually ask for plastic surgery because Hef never hesitates to say yes. Girls usually ask for the thing they want the most first, incase they’re not around for a second birthday. Breasts & nose jobs are the most common thing, then theirs things like liposuction and veneers.
Hef use to buy the girls brand new cars, however that got dramatic. One girlfriend got an Escalade and then drove it down to her other BF’s house in the middle of the night, trying not to get caught, but she did, so Hef stopped buying the girls cars flat out and brand new. Now, he’ll buy them used cars with the agreement that when they leave the mansion, they take over payments for the car & insurance.
Hef is also very generous with animals; he will let the girls buy whatever pets they want and he’ll pay them back for it.
If you want to go out of town, you have to ask for permission and he doesn't always grant it. Family emergencies don't really matter to him either, but if you cry you will most likely get your way.

Duties of a Girlfriend
Sex is not one of them; Hef tells the girls that if they don’t want to have sex or “join in” on the fun, they don’t have too. But he encourages them to be in the bedroom when the sexing is going on.
The girls must attend events with Hef, Movie night, Fun in the Sun Sundays, Parties at the mansion (they can each invite 5 people), Club nights (2-3 a week) & misc. other things. This gives the girls the day to them selves, but their nights are filled by Hef, pretty much.

Behind Being a Girlfriend
The girlfriends have a curfew of 9pm, no exceptions. The girls have to be in, every night, by 9pm. Many of the girlfriends also have boyfriends on the side (Bridget is said to have a husband) that Hef knows about, but doesn’t allow them to see or talk to, it’s not talked about much. Most of the GF's also have apartments somewhere else that they go to during the day. One ex-GF had a daughter that Hef would allow to spend one night at her apt with her daughter a week, but she also had a husband at her apartment.

Sexxx with Hef
Sex is usually on Club nights; the girls and Hef go out to clubs, they scout other girls or invite other girls to go with them. When they leave the club, they’re all pretty drunk. In the limo, the main girlfriend would give Hef head while other girls kiss on him or each other. By the time they get to the house, everyone is rearing and ready to go. All the girls plus the girls they scouted at the club, would return to Hef's room where he would pop some Viagra’s and rubs himself down in baby oil. There’s usually toys laid out that the main GF laid out before they left, or they can go to the bookshelf that all the toy are kept on, which is in the room. The main GF usually gives him head until he gets hard, and other girls will ride him – no condoms, nada. A lot of girls get yeast infections from having sex with Hef because of the baby oil he rubs himself with. He never tells girls to fuck him nor do they have too; some of his GF’s never fucked him. He lets the girls fool around with each other instead, or they can just watch. He encourages girls to be naked but a lot of the girls will instead claim they’re on their period and keep their panties on. So anyhow, after the main GF girls Hef head to get him rock hard, and chicks fuck him, the main GF sucks him some more (after random girls sexed him up without condoms) to get him hard and then Hef gets up and fucks her, and she fucks him. This is the only girl he moves for or puts effort in for.

Letter of Troof: Bridget
The writer of this book really didn’t like Bridget & she admitted that. Bridget is rumored to be married to some guy in Lodi, California. She grew up in a trailer and has always wanted to become a centerfold. Bridget cries all the time because this is the way to get to Hef – crying. He can’t take crying. Bridget would start crying and say someone was being mean to her, and that GF would get in trouble while Bridget would then do a 180 and be happy and all smiles again.

Letter of Troof: Holly
When Holly arrived at the mansion, she moved into the room closest to Hef and made no friends with the girls, she only cared for Hef. At the time, Hef had another main GF. When that main GF peaced out, Holly moved into Hef’s room – not because he asked her, but because no one else cared to be his main bitch. A lot of girls didn’t feel Hef was ready to have a new main GF so soon, and they felt Hef felt the same way but Hef didn’t want to be mean to Holly. The day Holly became main GF, it was war. Holly would bad mouth all the girls to Hef or say how the girls didn’t need the $2000 for outfits for events, therefore reducing the amount to $1000 without telling them first, some girls also would get no money if Holly could convince Hef that they were ungrateful. Holly also hated club nights; the nights use to be 2-3 times a week, now it’s 2-3 times a month. Holly also started turning into Hef in a way; she studied him very thoroughly even before she entered the mansion, one of her ex-BF’s said. She chose psychology major like Hef, she took cartooning classes to learn to draw and learned about old movies that Hef enjoyed – she seemed to want to become Hef. She also tries to have them match; if she wears a red dress, he wears a red tie. She also refuses to sit next to any of the girls; she must be alone on one side of Hef while the other two are on the other side – Bridget then Kendra (Holly and Bridget are close). Holly was an outcast in the house until Bridget came in, then she took Bridget under her wing. Holly also learned what it was that Hef adored about ex girlfriends and applied them to herself – she got her nose done like one of his ex-GF’s (Barbi Benton), dyed and cut her hair in a Marilyn Monroe way & wore 40’s era clothes everywhere until Hef asked her what is she doing? Holly is the ring leader, and wants to marry and have kids with Hef however Hef has said he wants neither of those. She also made up the names, puffin and muffin for them, to show everyone how “perfect” they are or whatever. She also hates it when ex-GF's visit the mansion & hates the decoration of Barbi Benton he has at the mansion -- she was the girl who found the Mansion he purchased that became the Playboy Mansion & the nose hers is modeled after.

Hef’s family
His wife & son live next door to the Playboy mansion, so he can see them as often as possible. However, he on average sees his son about once a week.

Tidbits
It seemed to the author that the girls who were his GF’s had something to make him look good. The author was an excellent student and a lawyer, so she was “the smart” one and now Kendra is the sporty one. When Hef goes out, ANYWHERE, he has his kitchen send lamb chops ahead and a detailed explanation on how to prepare them. He never orders off a menu or anything; he always sends food from the mansion over.

From Seven, to Three
When Holly and Bridget joined the group, it became 7. & their usually was a division of 3 vs. 4. the 3 consisted of Holly, Bridget and someone else (forgot) who were the “innocent good girls” while the other four where cast as “misbehaving bad girls” who were more outspoken and didn’t care to be on Hef’s dick all day long unlike the other three. Eventually, the drama between the two groups defending themselves to Hef was too much for Hef. One night, Bridget claimed one of the girls were mean to her at the club and began crying. Hef was so upset he yelled at the other girl who then yelled back, in the middle of a club, and he then broke up with her. Holly always had to be on one side of Hef, and Bridget on the other. If another girl took Bridget’s spot next to Hef, she would cry & if it happened to Holly, the event or whatever they are at would end. Example; if it happened at the Grammy’s they’d turn around and go home. Anyways, Holly eventually doesn’t want any other girl besides her, for Hef. So the drama in the group of seven got winded down to 2, and then Kendra was added to make 3. Another incident was when the author was getting a new car; she wanted a used escalade, but Holly said no because that’s the car she wants, so she had to settle on a Tahoe. When Holly got her car, it turned out to be a Porche Cheyanne – she only claimed to want the escalade to upset the other girl.

The Mansion
A lot of the girlfriends in the past became intimate with the help, such as the butlers and shit and would get caught and eventually the butler would get fired and the girl would get thrown out. Thus, a new rule was installed that the girlfriends are not allowed to go into the butler’s quarters. The dogs enjoy relieving themselves on the curtains or the carpet. Usually Holly’s dogs go during the night so Hef usually cleans it up from throughout the bedroom when he wakes up. When the author moved in, the carpets and curtains were filthy because the dogs poop and pee everywhere, but before the taping of The Girls Net door, Hef got the hallway floors replaced & curtains. Some of the bedrooms for the girls were originally made for two girls so when there were seven girls, some girls shared rooms. The closest your room was to Hef, the more serious you were about Hef.

Why Girlfriends Can't be Playmates
In the past, when a girlfriend becomes a Playmate, she breaks up with Hef and peaces out. Which means that most the girls never cared for Hef and just wanted to become Playmates. So now, if you're a GF, you ain't a Playmate

I Just Remembered This Crap
For Christmas, Hef would give the girl $500 to spend on each girl and him. Some girls would make agreements to only spend $100 on eachother and save the other $400. Holly found out and snitched, so the girls had to start providing reciepts to get reimbursed. Also, Hef doesn't pick out gifts, Holly or the main GF does. Usually stuff on clearance at the PlayBoy store or random things like soap, ceramic ducks and frogs, a custom tissue box cover or something. Hef gets them a necklace the first Christmas, after that he has no participation in the gift department.
Bridget has had her eyes done, several times, to help her look younger.


Source: me & the book BunnyTales

Just effing brilliant. Great tabloid fodder!

Conspiracy theories...

I LOVE IT...as was discussed tonight, the true culprit behind Anna Nicole Smith's death was NASA....the whole bad press with the astronaut caused them to take drastic measures.

And as a friend in Toronto suggested: Daniel is Dannielynn's baby daddy.

Somewhere in there I think NASA paid Brit Brit to shave her head...there's no other logical reason for it.

In other high profile news, Marmalade's latest medical results are showing that her bladder infection is gone for now but instead of having the usual crystals that most animals get, she's got some calcium oxylate (which results when you acidify the urine TOO much), so she's on a different diet now...poor Stash, he gets all the leftover food that Marmalade can no longer have...right now he's eating her old low-carb food, and soon he's going to be eating her Urinary S/O food....poor guy!

I'm so whipped by my cats, it's insane.

Yeah, I want Cheesey Poofs!

No, I have not watched Desperate Housewives so don't ask me anything about it...I'm 3 episodes behind. I'm 1 episode behind in Real World, The Hills, and The OC...and I"m 2 episodes behind in I Love New York. I also haven't watched a single episode of the Sarah Silverman Program but I've recorded all of them.

It was great seeing Marlene, Steve, and Laura this weekend...geezus I keep forgetting how flippin' gorgeous Laura's engagement ring is. The band alternates diamonds and sapphires...absolutely stunning.

In other news, poor Eleanor is already scratched. Grumble. It's just the tire cover but that sucker isn't cheap to replace or re-paint...from the looks of it, i'ts like some big truck scraped by me. I get really annoyed with the parking lots in Orange County...it's like the government expects people to drive environmentally-friendly Prius cars when they know full well everyone drives SUVs or big trucks on massive wheels...Seriously annoyed with my car, now it looks "not new"...my baby!

That being said, our neighbor is paying us $600 for the damage done to Kraig's car (the deductible plus costs for the rental). He claims he doesnt' remember hitting the car but our other neighbor saw him do it and they told him to say something, so he was pretty much like "FINE but i still don't think i did it"...whatever. I'm just happy to get our cash back.

Last night I went to my first hockey game in years. I went to one when I was in San Jose, but previous to that they were all Sens games in Ottawa. I forgot how much fun they are! Frickin' beats watching football any day. What's funny is that now they hire teenage girls in skimpy outfits to clear the ice (unless Anaheim was always like that but i'm guessing that's new from the past 10 years)...i guess you have to get fans' attentions in any way you can.

It also made me really miss skating. Which is bizarre, because even though I took lessons as a kid, I can't skate to save my soul. Well, i can skate...i just can't STOP. But i kinda miss getting all bundled up and heading over to the rink that's behind my parents' house. Yeah i say that now but i'm sure if i actually had to do it I'd be like "wtf...it's COLD...can't they make ice when it's warm outside?"....

(Well they do at the Spectrum but the ice is half melted and it's like $20 an hour so eff that).

I gotta do a movie review on LIttle Miss Sunshine I believe. I'll get around to it when I stop being lazy.

No time to blog....

Real quick thoughts:

1. Holy CRAPPPPP Brit Brit shaved her head. Girl is NUTS. I'm guessing she was sick of all the ANS new out there that was taking away her publicity. She's insane. Seriously. Insane.

2. I've decided to publish my own Ghoul Pool for 2007, even though i'm already 1.5 months down. So far the list is gonna include Britney, Elizabeth Taylor, Queen Elizabeth, and a few others...

3. My "goal" for this month was all that ebaying, but since there's only so much I can do (and i can't photograph stuff after work when it's dark), that might become a 2-3 month project.

4. I still can't get over how Britney just shaved her head like that. ANS' death didn't shock me. THIS frickin' shocks me.

5. Posh Spice (Victoria Beckham) was at Disneyland this week. I wonder if she was there when Marlene was there.

6. Kraig got me tix to see Wicked at Pantages theater on May 22 as a Vday/anniversary gift.

7. Okay gotta go shower and stuff. Maybe next month's goal will be to blog more, geezus I used to do it daily. I think my brain has just shut down for awhile or something.

You can thank me later....

In case you need a reason to salivate, look no further.
Hold a towel under your chin to catch the drool

Movie Review: "Because I said so"

Because I said so YAHOO MOVIE PAGE

Let me preface this by saying: I'm okay with contrived movies as long as it's not hiding behind being contrived and still has great moments in it. Like The Wedding Singer. Boy meets girl. Girl is engaged to prick. Girl falls for Boy. When Girl goes to get Boy, she thinks he's not available. When Boy goes to find Girl, he finds out she's off to get married. Hilarity ensues and good times were had by all.

Sadly, this movie is not like that. AT ALL.

Diane Keaton is a meddlesome mother who wants to find a nice guy for her quirky-yet-adorably-cute-yet-sooo-annoying-and-clumsy daughter Mandy Moore. Now right there this movie would be believable if the daughter couldn't stand being around her mother. But Mandy Moore and her 2 sisters are so close with their mom they actually pick up the phone when they're having sex with dudes and what not. WTF.

Are you having sex right now missy? Oh okay. Just don't do that dorky laugh. You know the one.


There's a scene where Diane Keaton and Mandy Moore share a touching moment where Mom tells Daughter that she's never had an orgasm because their prick of a father didn't have time to uhhh look out for her needs. And Mandy feels sooo sad for her mom and suddenly has a moment of realization that she understands where her mom is coming from.

Time for some bonding. Daughter, tell your MOmmy what an orgasm feels like.


Uhh...no. I don't know about any of you, but i really don't CARE if my mom ever had an orgasm. In fact, I think we'd all like to believe that our moms followed through with Immaculate Conception. The #1 way to survive in life is to develop the attitude that parents NEVER have sex. EVERRRRR.

And then there's the guys in the movie. The struggling single father guitar guy vs. the successful but boring architect. We're supposed to all love the single father, right? Ummm...no. I'd be like "WTF you have a kid?! Why didn't you tell me? And where's the baby mama? And I can't sleep with you when your kid and your DAD all live under the same roof, that's just creepy"...whereas we're supposed to think the Architect is a jerk because he flipped on Mandy Moore for breaking his grandmother's antique candleholder...effing right, i'd be pissed too. And he apologized later and gave her another family antique. HELL YEAH.


Somewhere in the middle of the movie for no apparent reason there's a music montage of Mandy Moore and Diane Keaton rearranging furniture. That's the biggest waste of 6 minutes that I'll never get back (along with the rest of the movie). What was the point of that? To show how scatterbrained they are? Trust me, you drilled that into the audience every SECOND.

There's another scene where Diane Keaton is stalking her daughter on a date in her car and she uses her car's navigation system...now this actress was great when she freaked out in First Wives Club. Not so great in this movie. She just yells and rants at the GPS and starts kicking the GPS while driving. WHO DOES THAT?! It was just irritating, if you're too stupid by now to figure out how your GPS works, don't use it.

Oh, plus her computer froze up when she accidentally landed on a porn site. Let's go through the flaws with this...odds are, if you're computer's freezing up, you're not going to still get streaming video coming in perfectly. Secondly, she runs to the phone to call Gateway's tech support (nice plug for them) instead of...just turning off the computer? Unplugging it? Thirdly, she got on the phone with the help IMMEDIATELY. (once again, nice plug). What, no automated machine system? No waiting on hold for half an hour? She called and within seconds got someone?! I can't even get that when I call for pizza.

I know it seems like i'm nitpicking at little details, but it's these inconsistencies and randomness and unbelievable moments that made this movie brutal. Who discusses with their mom and sisters, in a shoe store, who holds the record for the most orgasms during a given night of sex?!

Needless to say, this movie could have been really cute and funny. It turned out to be boring, unfunny, and a complete waste of time. Dont even bother renting it. And if someone gives it to you on DVD as a gift, assume they're just regifting it.

Another fabulous movie moment: the girls all singing together at the end when they're all so very, very happy. Happy enough to sing. Which is clearly them lip syncing. I'm guessing Mandy Moore is the only one who's lip syncing to the sound of her own voice.

Letter to the editor

Sabina, there's this great beverage called coffee, it's hot but usually the maker of coffee puts on the cup, "Caution Content Hot." but it's ok, put a little milk some sweetener or sugar, stir and consume. :)

Ugh, coffee is NASTYYYY. I can't stand it. Unless it's in tiramisu. Otherwise, I really don't like the stuff.

As for hockey...i don't even know when ottawa is playing, it's actual WORK for me to find out anything about hockey. grumble.

"Like my booodddyyyyy???"

I guess I should comment on the Anna Nicole Smith thing, even though there's nothing I can say that hasn't already been said SOMEWHERE in the press.

In fact, people were shocked that I didn't email them like crazy when the news came out. Well firstly, I received like 20 emails so I assumed everyone else did as well. Secondly...I'm sort of letting the initial shock wear off before coming to some sort of opinion.

Well, that's sorta not true. I wasn't really shocked per se. She was a train wreck. It's amazing it didn't happen earlier. I guess I'm more amazed how in the past year so much has happened so fast, and it went big time downhill.

Now let's get to the nitty gritty: why what who how huh?!

I really don't know if anyone who didn't see her reality show is allowed to cast an opinion on Howard and their relationship, 'cause that dude seriously put up with ALOT of crap. I mean, ALOT. In fact, I"m not even 100% sure why he stuck around. His personality was so dry, and imagine if you graduated from Berkeley with a law degree and your claim to fame was telling Bobby Trendy his decor is cheap and having pasta eating championships with Anna Nicole.

So...do I think he poisoned her? No. Why would he do it so soon? Because of the baby daddy situation? Let's say it turned out the other dude was the dad...Howard was allegedly set to marry Anna Nicole legitimately later this month, so he would have been living in the lap of luxury anyway (well, assuming she got to keep the old dude's dough). Plus, seriously, it wouldn't take rocket science to have people think that he did it, especially since the prescriptions were under his name.

If anything, I think her lesbian assistant did it, but we haven't heard anything about her since the reality show ended so who knows. That chick was jonesin' baaaad for Anna Nicole, and maybe she was pissed that she couldn't have her? "If i can't have her, no one can!"...but that's a stretch and that assistant was dumb as a doornail (she got anna nicole tattooed on her...hey, i like my boss, but there's no WAY i'm tattooing her on my body!)...

As much as people want to make it out to be, I basically think that Anna's been self-medicating for years, and the combination just took it's toll...especially if she upped her meds as a result of post partum depression along with the pain of losing Daniel. It's pretty sad and lacking in scandal, but I think that's just all there is to it. Her body and brain just completely shut down as a result of her lifestyle.

Kickass site

I can't stop surfing through this site for art...i want something to put in the newly-done bathroom above the towel bar...blah. Haven't had a single interesting thought otherwise worth noting in the blog. Unless you want me to gripe about caffeine withdrawals (not pretty. In 3 work days I consumed one of those fridge packs only during work hours ...that doesn't even round out the stuff I drank at home).

In other news, I finally heard from my friend Natalie (she and I were pretty much the only two chicks in our university's Computer Science program), she was MIA for awhile...I haven't seen her since her wedding and before that was YEARS ago...she and her Finnish husband bought a duplex in Montreal...anyway she mentioned that she went to Berlin for World Cup Soccer last year...it just cracks me up. She lives in Europe for a few years and gets hooked onsoccer, I move to the US and I'm stuck dealing with football...I'm actually going to my first hockey game (LA vs. Anaheim) in 2 weeks which is so odd...I went to a Sharks game once in San Jose...but other than that, I've been hockey-deprived for 7 years. And to be honest, I don't think I even remember all the rules and terms. Okay maybe "icing". That's it. I'm a disgrace to my country of origin.

Time to take a power nap and then get my ass to the gym...if Carrie can train for a frickin' marathon, I can start going to the gym again. WTF.

Oh real quick: Kinda disappointed that the flying Patrelli brother is Claire's father on Heroes...I assumed it was him but figured that was too obvious (the man's a whore, of course he's got offspring all across the globe)...and I don't think Claire's adopted dad ("Mr. Bennet") is Linderman because Linderman lives in Las Vegas where Bennet lives in Texas.

Officer, is it illegal for Jewish people to eat Christmas snow?

Yes, yes, I've been horribly backlogged on the reviews and griping. I hear ya.

What About Brian
Mondays are a hard day for me with TV 'cause it's all about Heroes, and after that I have no desire to watch anything else...so I've finally caught up on like 4 weeks' worth of this show.

I swear, it's so effing brilliant it blows my mind. I never thought that Marjorie would be jonesin' for Adam. And i actually didn't think he would break up with Heather the Stripper Wife. The issue of Baby Carrie being deaf? Sooooo sad and pulls at your heartstrings...i was almost bawling along with teh characters.

Bold and the Beautiful
I'm not going to recap anything but wtf, Lorenzo Lamas (sp) as Hector for a potential Daytime Emmy nomination?! The dude can't act his way out of a paper bag! How hard is it to play a blind person? For Lorenzo, very.

Heroes

So here's my big question that no one seems to be able to answer. When we last left off, Hiro realized that Linderman had the real sword. He goes to Heroin Artsy Guy's place per the comic book. He sees that Politican Guy Who Can Fly, they talk about Linderman.

Then this episode suddenly we see Hiro int he parking lot with his buddy and people chasing after him. WTF?!

I like how Claire's biological mother is played by the Sex Addict With AIDS from Nip/Tuck.

The Office

How brilliant was this past week's episode? "I want your man meat Michael!" or
Stripper: "I would get so fat if I worked here" (eating candy)
Pam: "really? I lose my appetite"

It's very clear that Dwight has grown on all of us. If he ended up staying at Staples, I would have rather seen THAT show.

Desperate Housewives
Okay i gotta be honest, I haven't watched Sunday's episode. Susan is really getting on my nerves and Bree is starting to act a little too nutty. And i can't figure out how Gabby can survive without employement.

Viactive Multi-Vitamin Flavor Glides
I absolutely detest taking vitamins. I used to take the Flintstones ones when i was a kid and I take the chocolate calcium chews and that's pretty much my 30 year vitamin history. Okay no wait, I was also on prescription strength iron pills back in University.

So i tried these Flavor Glides...this stuff ain't cheap (almost $8 for 50 from Target), but it's got the works (including iron and calcium)...it's effing FABULOUS. They're huge but they're coated and they taste like berries so you don't get that bizarre nasty aftertaste. Product of the Year!

Goal of the Month: February

So as I said before, I'm not doing NY resolutions...i'm doing attainable "goals". Last month was to overhaul the Master Bath. Which I did. I'm a not-so-lean-mean-home-improvement-machine. I have a few other things to do but I'm constrained by cash, not laziness.

This month's goal: sell ALL the crap i keep sayingi 'm going to sell on Ebay. this is BOATLOAD of work, because it's hard ot keep track of auctions AND it requires some capital up front. But i have soooo much crap that needs to be cleared out and since I need cash to finish up the bathroom, this is the most logical monthly goal.

Speaking of money...
Carrie brought to my attention that the fees for citizenship applications is gonna jump big time, so that means this weekend i HAVE to complete my paperwork and file. I kind of wanted to hold out...partially because it impacts my ability to travel and partially 'cause I don't feel like spending the money to be a US citizen.

Well add to that that this past weekend someone smashed into Kraig's car and drove off. Kiss $500 deductible goodbye. If i ever found out who did it, I'm gonna beat them with a rusty crowbar.


Okay, that's all I had to babble about for the time being!

BEST commercial

I think this is the most brilliant commercial:


Very, very well done. If i were a dude, I'd douse myself in Axe too.

In other news, the diet Pepsi situation has reached critical levels. I need a ton of energy last week so at one point I drank EIGHT cans of the stuff by the end of the work day.

And now it's Saturday...and it's noon...and I'm EXHAUSTED...so I'm debating: do I spend the weekend sleeping it off and finally getting over this addiction...OR...do I drink the stuff this weekend, accomplish everything I want to, and then ummm NEXT weekend i'll sleep it off?

Yep, I'm an addict. And the bottle in my fridge is calling my name.

On the topic of the stranger, I did a random informal poll to see how many people heard of this, and so far it seems guys are 50/50 on whether they've heard of...THE STRANGER. Although I give credit to one person who suggested that to fight the effect of the hand "waking up" when a guy uhhh does his thing, just sit on your OTHER hand and alternate as necessary. Nasty, but logical.

Kah Toe Mahhh Tayyy!

Citizenship

So I have a goal to finally get my citizenship before next year so I can vote.
I love this guy! And i'm sick of being scared of...getting sick if unemployed!....

In other news, the bathroom is almost all done...just need to install the cabinet, replace the shower door, and do some touch up painting. FINALLY! Gone are the 80s from my bathroom!

Gooey Chewie

This cracked me up: Star Wars Toys That Never Were (it's old but I've never seen it before)...

I effing hate Costco. At this rate i should seriously go and get my money back (THAT at least you can get a refund on)...

I was told when I joined that I could return the $100 bottle of wine as long as it was still in their inventory. I went today (to a different location, granted) and they were like "no returns or exchanges on liquor, ever"...wtf! I was hoping that getting $100 credit for the wine would offset the stupid $50 membership!

And the more I go, the more I realize they just don't have stuff that I want. Like I'm down with a TON of soup...but there's only so much chicken noodle I can hack. Like make more variety packs! Although they DID do that with Lean Cuisine, and that was a pretty good score. And I'm down with huge jars of peanut butter, but i gotta have the reduced fat stuff...c'mon, is it too much to ask that they carry some of the lighter food options (mayo, etc) as well?

Anyway somehow i bought $69 worth of stuff...well okay I'm a sucker for that jalepeno (sp) artichoke dip...and I bought a huge thing of provolone cheese that in hindsight, i think was MORE expensive than if I had just bought it at Albertsons...

The one thing i DO give them props for...when you buy boneless skinless chicken breasts, they're individually wrapped in 2s...LOVE IT. 'Cause when I buy the big bulk sizes from the grocery store, it's all goopy and messy and trying to individually wrap them so I can put some in the freezer is a pain in my ass. This was a no-brainer to just unwrap and pop in the freezer. That might very well be worth the $50 membership, if I don't have to touch chicken meat before putting it in the freezer.

Time to watch HEROES now!

If The Flintstones has taught us anything, it's that pelicans can be used to mix cement.

Busy busy busy weekend painting. I don't know how the eff some people can do it like it's no big deal. Prepping takes effing forever. Granted this time I went all out and did the "proper" procedures (wash with TSP, prime, mass amounts of blue tape, etc) 'cause this is my bathroom we're talking about and with the crazy moisture that goes on in there, I don't wanna deal with it later. I even used a putty knife to scrape off the crappy paint that was peeling near the shower and sprayed some Knockdown spray stuff in order to get the cottage cheese texture (gonna be honest...that stuff is crap).

So far so good...I just gotta do one more coat tomorrow morning and i'm doooone...My hands are all raw from scrubbing paint off, I'm high on paint fumes, my cuticles are jacked up...but finally FINALLY we're reaching the end of the horribly nasty Eighties Bathroom...tomorrow after I paint I'm going to head to Lowe's to buy the towel bars, on Monday I'm gonna buy the wall cabinet (need to find one of those 20% off coupons from Bed Bath and Beyond, of course when i NEED one i can't find them, even though I've got a trillion around the house), and then...the last step before the end of this month...replace the gold shower door that's biodegrading and harboring so much cruddy bacteria, i could open my own science center.

Anyway, I realize this is all incredibly boring but that's what you get when you lead a boring life...

Although I must say, I had tons of fun last night getting my drink on...and discovered what The Stranger was.

I'm chatting with this semi-jackass and I mentioned how he had gotten the phone number of Miss Typical OC Chick With Long Blond Hair and Big Trout Lips and he was "I don't need that, there's always the Stranger"...
Me: "What's the Stranger?"
Him: "You've never heard of the Stranger?"
Me: "Obviously not"
Him: "It's when you sit on your hand till it gets numb and then you take care of business but since you can't feel your hand it's like a stranger is doing it to you"...
Me: "WTF!"...

Told EVERY female in the bathroom this concept, they were all like "who's the a-hole who told you that? "...so thankfully I'm not the only female who's never heard of it.

You learn a new thing each day.

Letter to the editor

Do you wear deodorant?
Anti-antiperspirant actually. Dove.

Yeah i suck, usuallyit takes me awhile to write my blogs so if i start mid-sentence back up again, it usually makes for a jacked up sentence.

As for dippin' dots...it's just WEIRD to me. I'm not down with novelty ice cream like that. I had never even heard of it until I moved to California and saw it at the Boardwalk in Santa Cruz. I like my ice cream to be one solid chunks, not pebbles of it!

Props...

Just a quick props to my friend Katelyn...who bought her own optometry practice! She's a business owner! With a staff! And a building! That's quite possibly one of the most accomplished things I've ever heard of anyone my age doing. I swear, I'm beyond not motivated like that...so she gets the Kickass Chick of 2007 award!

You know you're from Ottawa when....

Yes yes yes must post more, I've got some movie reviews and general life commentary to provide. In the meantime:

I love this! Made me even more homesick. Courtesy of Christine.

You know you're from Ottawa when....

During grade school, you were warned about "The man in the white van."
Yesss! And it seems that's not a typical school urban legend. Basically rumor/news has it that some kids were kidnapped from the man in the white van, so we had to avoid those vans like the plague.

You have at least one "Woohoo!" towel
Is that from a Sens game? 'Cause if so, yes, I still have my towel.

You know that the women on Dalhousie Street, aren't just "friendly."
Ha haaaaa haaaa. That's from all the hookers there. Anytime you want to throw an insult about a chick you just say "Yeah she looked like she should walk on Dalhousie"

The word Vanier strikes fear into your heart, in fact you duck and cover any time you hear it
So Vanier is the ghetto of Ottawa. Kinda like the Riverside of the OC. I dated a guy who lived there for awhile (Kevin, for those in the know) and seriously, SERIOUSLY, that's pretty effing ghetto there. It even SOUNDS ghetto.

You've been to a parade that only consisted of a few emergency vehicles with banners, some people marching, and Kool FM/Hot 89.9 van
Ha ha pretty much...aren't all Ottawa parades like this?

The dreaded Ice Storm combined with the teachers' strike made 1998 the best school year ever
Well sorta. Previous to that was the teacher's strike of '91, and then the "work to rule" in '96...the Ice Storm was when I was in University, and stupid me actually WENT to school on that day...it was brutal. I almost died trying to lug around my schoolbag full of CSI books (CSI = computer, not Crime Scene Investigation!) in a land completely covered in pure ice.

You're bilingual... or at least you can parler Franglais
Mais oui je parle Francais...et Franglais.

You eat, sleep and breathe the Super Ex while it's open
I used to for awhile, but it's...dirty.I guess they all are, but that yearly fair really is...dirty.

You've swam in Mooney's Bay and had to shower for 2 hours afterwards to get that filthy, filthy water off of you
I refused to ever swim there. That's effing disgusting. When you need a sign telling you what the water quality is for that day, there's a problem.

You don't flinch when asked if you want to eat a beavertail
Beavertails:Canadians = Churros:Californians. It's the same stuff, different shape.

You've been at the top of the peace tower and thought you were amazingly high just because nothing else is allowed to be taller then it
WTF is the peace tower?

You've seriously considered swimming in the Rideau Canal on one of those 30+ degree summer days
GOD no. I've seen how much algae grows in that thing. And it actually looks like warm murky water.

You remember a time when Patrick Lalime was kinda good
Who the eff is that?

Everyone you know has some sort of story about how Alanis Morissette babysat their cousin's best friend's dog's original owner's son-in-law
Of course! I still have my photos of her from when I got her first album autographed at Place D'Orleans. And she taught Sex-Ed to my friend's 9th grade gym class (Alanis was in OAC/Grade 13 when me and my friend were in 9th grade).

You listened to 101.1 XFm, 93.9 KOOL FM and remember when the New Hot 89.9 was still new
Ha ha haaaa. I remember the DJ on 93.9....The Milkman...

You're pretty sure that the corner of Preston and Somerset is the only place in the world where China and Italy touch each other.
Of course!

You think that 613 is the only area code that exists and HATE having to dial it to call people now
you have to do that now? I hated having to dial the area codes when I moved to California...it's so bizarre to me to have to give out my phone number in 10 digits, not 7.


You think Stittsville is the end of the universe
Well I USED to...now I think Canada overall is at the end of the universe.

You've waited 30 minutes for the OC transpo only to realize it came fucking early? Like, what the fuck is that?
I never realized when it came early...it's more like 40 minutes later at the next rotation, i assumed it was 40 minutes LATE. Mannn I hated taking the OC...but I gotta admit, living somewhere where it's unsafe to take the bus...the OC is a relatively good system in a pinch. Or when you're drunk.

You remember when the Scotiabank Place was still the Corel Centre, or better, Palladium
It's called the Scotiabank Place? Of course I remember it as the Palladium and I was annoyed when they changed it to the Corel Centre...but it changed again!? WTF!

You've partied on Parliament Hill on Canada Day
Duh. Obviously. And to anyone who thinks it's not the biggest party in the universe...yer wrong! If you don't hold hands with your friend, you'll lose them in a snap...it's pure pandamonium. LOVE IT. MISS IT BADLY.

You remember going on field trips to the museum of science and tech. every year of elementary school
Ha ha haaa...of course. Plus that art gallery, I remember we had to stare at that Ring of Fire painting that was a few million dollars in order to understand what it was about (ummm just a big canvas painted red. That's it)..finally I was like "okay I get it. You used $18Mil worth of paint. "

You've travelled and waited for over half an hour just to get into Zak's Diner in the Byward Market
Heck yeah! I love their poutine. When I went with Kraig I took him there to try poutine.

A winter without going skating on the Rideau Canal just doesn't seem right
Sorta. I'm a crappy skater, and skating on the Canal scares me 'cause they cut these huge holes out in order to scope out the thickness of the ice, and I've always been afraid of not paying attention and falling in. It's the world's largest skating rink for anyone who cares :P

You have an irrational hatred for those Toronto Maple Leafs and everything they do, have done and will do
Yep.

You've been to, and therefore fallen asleep at, a lynx game
Never. I hate baseball, especially Ottawa baseball.

You've thought that free 67's tickets were the best thing you could ever possible win, ever.
Uhhh not really. There's a reason they're free.

You can spot Spartacat out of a crowd of 19,000 people
You'd have to be blind to not see that thing!

So sad...

This is so sad! She's one of the best and funniest characters on the show.

Actress Darlene Conley, better known as Sally Spectra from 'The Bold & the Beautiful' has died. Conley suffered from gastric cancer. She came public with her disease last november and announced her retirement from the show at the same time. The 72-year old actress played her character for more than twenty years on the show. She earned two Outstanding Supporting Actress Daytime Emmy nominations for her part.

Time killer....

I gotta get ready for my company holiday party, but then I started watching this thing on White Supremacy Skinheads on A&E and it got me SOOOOO pissed off (like seriously, SERIOUSLY...pissed off...i'm gonna start my own hate group against people with blond eyebrows...or moles on their hands...or have red hair...because we are a better race without them!wtf)

So...to take my mind off my pissed-off-ness...for your reading pleasure since this blog is all about ME mooo ha ha haaa...
Off-The-Wall Questions:

When was the last time you went to the bathroom outside?
the ONLY time was when i was like 5, and i'm never doing that again.

Family member you most resemble?
My niece. Well I guess she resembles me. My mom says that I look just like my dad's real mom.

Do you own your own Bible?
The only time I've ever TOUCHED a bible was when I was rummaging through a hotel drawer.

Do you wear deodorant?
Anti-antiperspirant actually. Dove.

Do you clean up nice?
Compared to how i look non-cleaned up...hell yeah.

When was the last time you tripped and fell?
OMG yesterday...and when I got up I smashed my head into the metal thingies that hold up my banister.

Where was the last place you slept besides your home?
Hotel in Santa Clara (bay area).

What are you listening to right now?
The sound of my computer humming away.

Have you ever started an uncontrollable fire?
Nope.

Ever run out of gas on the road?
Geezus who hasnt'?

What would you rather do, rake the leaves, or mow the lawn?
Rake leaves. 'Cause then you can jump in the pile when it's done.

What is the last thing you downloaded onto your computer?
Ad-Aware update. And The Office (avi file) from Matt since my DVR didnt record it and I was freaking out.

Last time you swam in a pool?
Last summer in Arizona.

Have you ever been in a school play?
Ughghghgh yes.
Nursery school: we did this thing where we recited how we kept getting mittens for birthdays, xmas, whatever, and then the very last line was "AND THEY GAVE ME MITTENS AGAIN!" and we all showed our hands with mittens on them...
ANd then in grade 1 or 2 I played the drums for some other school play thingy.



How many kids do you want?
4. The four child plan. Clearly I'm starting too late, but that's the ideal.

Type of music you DISlike most?
Polka.

Are you registered to vote?
Nope. I'm canadian.

Do you have cable?
I have satellite.

Ever prank call anybody?
Ha ha used to all the time. Oh wait I prank called Kraig's friend Chris when he was on his radio show a few months ago.

Would you go bungee jumping or sky diving?
Hmmm...let's assess:
Bungee jumping at least has an effing cord, BUT...people's necks get jacked up doing that.
THEN...i would say sky diving but I just saw a thing on Oprah about some chick who's parachute got tangled and her faced basically got mauled when she landed.

So...my vote: skydiving but where someone else is strapped with you.

Do you have a garden?
An itty bitty one that is half dying, half going wild.

What's your favorite comic strip?
Far side, FoxTrot, Dilbert, there was one that isn't made anymore about this animals in highschool, that was funny...and...of course...ALIEN LOVES PREDATOR

Bath or Shower?
Shower. The last time I took a full on bath was...a long time ago.

Best movie you've seen in the past two weeks?
The Holiday

Best pizza topping?
hmmm...veggie with mushrooms, onions, tomatoes, green peppers...but sometimes a good four cheese works....any Mediterranean pizza with artichokes and sundried tomatoes...

Popcorn or Peanuts?
Popcorn

Orange Juice or apple juice?
OJ.

Chocolate Bar?
Mr. Big all the way!

When was the last time you ate a homegrown tomato?
Geezus...who knows

Ever order anything from an infomercial?
Nope, but my mom does all the time.

Sprite or 7-Up?
Sprite. Well, diet sprite.

Have you ever had to wear a uniform to work/school?
Yep: McDonalds, Select Roses (it was just their tshirt), ummm...i guess that's it.

Would you prefer being a millionaire or find true love?
Millionaire. Duh.

Believe in love at first sight?
Sorta.

Who was the last person you visited in a hospital?
Gina when she was in a coma.

What do you think about most?
Lately? Effing home improvement. And what I would do if i won the lottery. You know...the lottery that I never play.

Favorite form of travel?
Teleportation.

If you could have one magical power what would it be?
HA once again...teleportation...or...the ability to stop time.

SOME STRANGE QUESTIONS:

Something purple within 5 feet of you:
A USB hub.

The sexiest item of clothing you own:
I've got strong collection of lingerie...that poor kraig never sees lol...

Is your hair long enough to chew on:
Yep. Mmm mmm. I like mine deep fried topped with salsa.

Least favorite color?
Green

Ever have Dippin' Dots?
Ugh no.

Letter to the editor...

Yes, Kraig helped with the fan but I did so much research online, I knew what needed to be yanked where and what numbers where needed...basically i was like "MOVE!" whenver he tried to help.

Wow, I'm impressed with your determination to fix the fan! So do you shut the door to the toilet/shower room every time you shower? Why don't you just leave the door open so it doesn't get so humid in there? That's the lazy man's way out of the situation,and what I'd do; I'm surprised you just don't do that.

Well I close the door 'cause it wakes Kraig up when I shower to go to work, but after I shower i keep the door open for a bit but then the entire bedroom gets all muggy and nasty (not so bad in summer when you can open windows, not so good in winter when it's freezing). If we showered with the door open all the time, the entire bedroom would be nasty.

Can't we have one meeting that doesn't end with digging up a corpse?

Seriously, home improvement blows.

To be precise: it blows goats.

When you buy a home that's not already in mint condition, you get all gung-ho on doing crazy home improvement stuff. Then, after a few months, your Care-Factor goes pretty much down to zero. What used to drive you NUTS now becomes "ehhh...well...so there's a big hole in the wall. I could fix it...or...not..."

Well we've had the house for 3 years now and I'm back on the home improvement bandwagon.

Goal for this month: paint the mutha effing upstairs bathrooms.

The cats' bathroom (i.e. the guest bathroom that really is for the cats and a spot for me to do my makeup before work) is this horrible nasty shade of blue. As in, children's crayon blue. Nasty nasty stuff. New color: a rose blush color.

As for the master bath, it's such a tiny area but it's adjacent to the Heather Blue in the bedroom, so I'm gonna stick with a creamy kinda color. (My inspiration: the bottle of Vanilla lotion from Bath and Body Works sitting on the bathroom counter)

ANYWAY, what's the point of this? The point is...now I remember why my Care-Factor went down to zero.

Yesterday I got fed up with the fan in the bathroom. And by "bathroom" I mean the closet-size room that holds the toilet and the tub. The fan barely does anything and I"m pretty sure we're 1 week away from having a crazy mold breakout as a result. The moisture level is crazy.

(On a different note, I bought This Stuff to combat the excessive moisture...that's a whole other blog for another time)

So I decided...time to be a man, grow some balls, and fix the fan.

First step: Look at fan.
Yep I looked at it. It said "Broan" on it.

Step 2: Go to Broan.com
Logged on. And this is where the problems start. Couldn't find anything that looked like the fan cover that i had.

Step 3: Remove grill cover
Ummm yeahhhhh this is disgustingly nasty. I had to balance on the toilet tank and the shower enclosure in order to remove the cover, and needless to say I got a nice sprinkling of dust and crazy micro-organisms all over me. Tasty.

Step 4: "I can give you more!" Okay that's New Kids on the Block...
Observe
Once I wiped off the thick layer of sludgy dust from the fan I was so delighted to find that all the text was covered in rust. But the motor had a number on it, so I wrote it down, put it all up and vowed to call Broan's customer service the next day.

Step 5: Call customer support and embarrass yourself
Broan's customer support chick was super nice. Sadly she had no idea what i was talking about.

Step 6: Repeat with extra fervor.
That's where tonight comes in.
This time it was time to get crazy.
Turned the power off, unplugged the motor, and attempted to take the plate out so I could inspect it. Riiiggghtt. Not only is the frickin' thing rusted, but it's pretty much fused into one big hunk of metal. And there's all this info on the metal plate that houses the motor....like instructions on how to REMOVE the aforementioned plate...but it's all covered in rust!

Anyway through my swearing and balancing act while holding a flashlight (since the power was off) I realized the motor was made by UPPCO inc...

So I went to UPPCO's website, scoped out the model number (to make sure it was a legit number since I could barely read anything), went back to the Broan website and did a general search on the UPPCO number, got some PDF document that showed all the OEM motors linked to...what exactly, i'm not sure.

This is what I figured out...
My UPPCO model says 99080245
Broan's website says "Replaced by 97012041 688G-J"
I figured out that 688G through 688J is a model type
And they have an upgrade kit (model 690) to "easily" replace the 688 stuff.
Simple, right?
Wrong.

The dimensions on the upgrade kit don't match the dimensions for mine.
SO...what's the moral of the story?

I'm going to go to Home Depot tomorrow, gonna buy BOTH upgrade kits, and pray that I have the strength to yank out the metal housing so I can fix this mutha effing fan once and for all.

Coming soon: Step 7 Take a super duper long hot shower and enjoy the new ventilation provided.

Ohhh, need more fun home improvement stuff? Wait until I talk about the joys of moisture-resistant primer and discussing paint samples with your husband that make him say "that's PINK! Why don't I just grow boobs while we're at it?!"....