Picture of Dorian Gray

Maybe because the end is nigh on my 31st year, i'm starting to really, REALLY freak out about getting old.

It all started when i was 18...but that was a bit easier 'cause that's legal drinking age in Canada.

Then turning 20 was hard because I remember when I was 5 I told myself "when i get old, when i turn 20, i'm going to use creams like mom does". I seriously went a bit postal. But...there's only so much postal you can go when you're in university.

25 was hard because...well now you're in your mid-20s.
26 was hard because i was no longer "just turned mid 20s".
27 was hard because I could no longer ride on the coattails of 25 like i did when i was 26.
28 was hard because I was now "late 20s"
29 was hard because it was my last year in my 20s.
30 was hard because...well hello, I was 30. And not at all where i wanted to be in my life. PLUS...let's be real. When you're in your teens and 20s, your 30s are considered old. All things young and stupid must officially be over.

When you're 30, you can't wear sparkly blue eyeshadow clubbing unless it's hallowe'en.

31 wasn't so bad, mostly because I freaked out so much the previous few years, i sort of got it out of my system.

Now the number doesn't bug me anymore...I'm over it.

What REALLY bugs me are the physical changes.

Cellulite seems to grow exponentially each year. And I'm in the same weight range as I was in highschool.

Botox is too expensive, but it was the best preventative thing I had ever done. If there's ONE thing i could do every 6 months, that would be it.

I use Oil of Olay Regenerist because it got the highest reviews on Consumer Reports. If i use CR to buy my washer, dryer, and car...damn right i'm going to trust it for my skin.

I started dying my hair when I moved to California because the sun here lightens my natural color a few shades...so I just dye it back to the roots color. NOW...i've realized this is the perfect way to never have to face when i get grey hair. Seriously the odd time I've thought i've seen a grey hair, I went beserk. Best to treat hair dye as botox: preventative. (except in this case, it's preventing mental insanity).

Probably the best solution long term has been getting a prescription for Tetracycline...i'm horrible at taking it, but damn if my skin isn't flawless when i use it. All parents should take their teen for a prescription. I gave some of mine to Kraig's nephew and within a week his face was all cleared up. AND you don't build resistance to it like cipro. AND it's covered under insurance. Golden.

There's a few more "projects" related to aging that i need to tackle:
1. Wrinkles. Can't afford botox...and there's only so much Oil of Olay that can be slathered on.

2. The undereye situation. I used to be VERY self-conscious over teh dark circles under my eyes (thanks Dad...inherited those from the Indian side of me). But i noticed from the NY pics that I've got "furrows" now under the dark circles...I can use concealer for the circles, but i can't cover up deep grooves.

3. My thinning hair. Argh even Syl noticed it when she came here...compared to highschool, it's soooo much less. The culprit is definitely the daily blowdrying...plus the horrible diet i've had this year (damn job hopping and stress). So i'm working on that by eating better now finally, taking vitamins, and avoiding the blow dryer.

4. My thinning eyelashes. This I blame on mascara. I only started wearing it when i moved to SoCal...i was quite anti-mascara because when you see somene go WITHOUT, they look like ass. I just didn't want to give people the view of how i WOULD look...but then I got vain and started using it daily. i'm trying to now just use it on the very tips of my eyelashes.

To tackle item 4, i did a massive MASSIVE splurge: i got Age Intervention. That sh*t better work (it got recalled but they brought it back...naturally without the working ingredient that also jacked up people's eyes).

Why is it that women work their asses off to preserve their beauty but guys do JACK?! They don't fix their newfound nose hair, their newfound earhair, their additional back hair, their lack of head hair, their skin, everything. Unless their married and their wives make them. So bloody annoying. Plus they get overweight, they just have to go to the gym for a week and suddenly their all buff.

So anyway, this was my news flash. My age doesn't but me as much anymore. AGING now really, really bugs me. Spread the news.

Does running a marthon count if you're stalking someone?

Yes, so many blogs to post, pictures to post...haven't been around...I still need to post my San Jose trip stuff...and tomorrow i gotta get around to posting a Canadian's Guide to Voting in America.

But for now, I give you his royal hotness, Ryan Reynolds,who ran the NY city marathon this past weekend. First off, I was just IN new york...they couldn't have had that damn marathon a few weeks earlier? Secondly, why am I not training for marathons if he's going to be in them? And Thirdly, why didn't that mofo run the San Diego one, which I was there for?!



Okay so I wouldn't train either way, but Carrie or Janet could and then I'd have an excuse to watch. Although, really, if I'm following behind him...does that count as stalking...for 4 hours?

Boy is fiiiiine. so damn fine. They really need to bring back 2 Guys, a Girl, and a Pizza Place so that I can see him weekly. F*cking ScarJo.

Best. Site. Ever. Period.

If i ever had to live on a deserted island and I was only allowed one website, I would have to pick this blog, hands down:
Blonde cube dweller: I can't get this damn profile to load. Now my screen froze! Fuck this, I'll be a stripper!
I get it straight as an RSS feed to my inbox, and I can honestly say it is the only thing that consistently makes me HAPPY.
THIS SITE MAKES ME HAPPY. Happier than Poutine, dare I say it.

People just post snippets of the retarded crap they've overheard at work. they're mostly just one-liners. Some great ones:
Supervisor: Can you send this letter to The Netherlands?
Receptionist: Where's Neverland?


Male coworker to female coworker: I like your shirt.
Female coworker: Thanks. It's new.
Male coworker: The ruching makes your boobs look really perky.
(awkward pause)
Male coworker: I guess now would be a good time to tell you I'm gay.
Female worker: Yeah, you had me at "ruching"

(omg i'm crying laughing as I post these)
Sales manager: Do me a favor and go help that customer.
Employee: Can't I just touch you inappropriately and get sent home because I make you feel really uncomfortable?
Sales manager: Maybe if I thought there was some feeling behind it.


(in the restroom)
Man #1: You wanna shake it for me when I'm done?
Man #2: What would your wife think?
Man #1: As long as it's not a woman, she doesn't care.


Coworker: Stephanie [the manager] isn't here, so we can say "taint" and "dirty sanchez" all we want!


Guy: Have you seen To Catch a Predator?
Girl: I've read To Kill a Mockingbird.

Manager of maintenance staff, yelling to distant peons: Have you seen a bag with two turkey basters and a jar of vaseline?


I swear this is something that *I* would say:
Coworker #1: You know, Diana* is leaving to move to Austin.
Coworker #2 (bitter and disappointed): I hate it when people leave.
Coworker #3: Really? I like it because we get snacks.


This is real stuff people! Too funny.

Sales peon: You'll have to excuse my intelligence, sir.


Nosey cube dweller: What are you doing after work?
Neighbor of nosey cube drone: Minding my own business. Why, what are you doing?


Slutty waitress: My baby daughter is driving me insane!
Waiter: That'll teach you to pass out at parties.
(slutty waitress glares, storms off)
Waiter, shrugging: Well, it should.


ONE OF THE BEST ONES:
Drone #1: Christ! I need to play the lottery.
Drone #2: Why, how much is it?
Drone #1: 250 million. If I win I'm flipping the bird to this place and you and I are gonna go hit Vegas. I'm gonna die balls deep in some hot stripper.
Drone #2: A female one right?
Drone #1: At 250 million, it won't matter.



Customer: It smells like incest in here... Wait, no, incense.

Manager: How dare my BlackBerry not know how to spell "transvestite?" That's just rude

Teacher: I just love children!
(silence in the room)
Teacher: Medically speaking, of course...



Cube dweller #1: So then "groom," like the horse kind.
Cube dweller #2: Uh, okay, or like the husband.
Cube dweller #3: Or the thing you clean your kitchen with.
Cube dweller #2: Yeah, that's a "broom."


Consultant #1 (reading online purity test): Have you ever slept with a relative?
Consultant #2: Define "relative."

It's official. I'm a cougar. Argh.

So the easy way to define a cougar is to take your age, divide it by 2, add 7. That's PUSHING IT big time. And yes, that math only works over the age of 14.

At my age, that makes anyone under 22.5 to be WAY too young for me. Now I'm married, so fortunately it's not like I need to go looking online for cougar bars in the OC.

However I have become OBSESSED with Jesse McCartney's song "Leavin'", which only ingrains the notion that I have all the musical tastes of a 15 year old girl. Well suck it, the words are fun and the beat's upbeat and good too.

Note: i have a thing for songs that are well..."lyrically" well written. Not even that they rhyme, but that they just flow in perfect sync.

Then i saw the video, and realized dude totally grew up and became HOT. Like, really, really hot. And this video is what I would call "innocently sexy and hot". Makes me want to roll around on a mattress...without a bedsheet. And more importantly, Jesse M is adorable. Like, I-want-to-violate-him-adorable. Even though he's only 21. Argh. He has the most incredible hair (why do older guys think that us women don't notice hair? MEN get your hair cut, wtf don't let it get scruffy. And yes, we notice when you're balding. Get some rogaine or Propecia on that ish. Hell, I used rogaine when i thought MY hair was thinning,which really turned out to be stress, but point is that if us women can suck it up and take care of our aging flaws, so can you. And the point is that his hair is AWESOME and every guy should aspire to have his hair. Note to my husband: yes, you still have PLENTY of hair despite the other hair conversation we had today when i told you that i wanted you to rip all of my arm hair off and we discussed something that went along with that....).

My only beef is that although his wardrobe is probably very pricey, his grey trousers annoy the bleep out of me.

But he's just so damn hot in this video, and I like his sweater, I'll make an exception. The part where he says "let it rain" and does that thing with his fingers...well let me just say that the 15 year old girl in me is screaming and crying like it's NKOTB all over again (I never saw NKOTB in concert, and I wouldn't cry, but you get the drift.)



Is it just me or does she have weird jaw bones?
And why the eff do I think this is the sexiest line ever? Cause you're the baddest little thing that I've ever seen
I need help!

Shut up and hydrate bitch! (Picture post)

Ahhh, some one liners never get old.
Pics from tonight in Laguna Beach...good times with the girls. It's incredible how much time flies by and you realize that you don't see your friends as often as you wish you could.
Mmmm...peri peri sauce is good...except when Sabina goes and spills Nicole's wine...

Check it, it's the closest look i'll have have to having boobs:


I swear I'm the perfect candidate for a Judy Blume book.

Carrie and Sabina (and Nicole's) Excellent NY Adventure

Last week I went to NY for the first time with Carrie for our friend Liz's wedding, met up with Nicole there...I can honestly say it's been a long, LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONG time since I laughed as much as I did on this trip. Maybe because I was both sleep and shower deprived, and Carrie is one of the funniest people you'll ever meet.

Just like San Diego...only dirtier, louder, and more expensive...and yet, still pretty dope.

Here was the plan (bear with me):
1. Red-eye on Wednesday. Arrive Thursday morning.
2. Thursday get a rental car, spend the day in Manhattan. Everyone told us that it would take HOURS with traffic. Turns out we had zerrrrrooo traffic...to quote Alanna "It's Yom Kippur. 75% of the city is in temple".
3. Saw WEEKS' worth of tourism in a single day. Everything south of Central Park. I'm not kidding. Did MOMA in 45 minutes. Saw ground zero, took some pics, ran to Century 21 only to discover it was closed for the holiday, got some S'Mac on with Carrie's Ohio friend Tara (soooo sweet, and her kids are adorable too), got to see my beloved Chelsea Market (Food Network bitches!)...you name it....

4. Drove up Thursday night to Fishkill. Which is the boondocks north of the city.

5. Friday morning I slept in like a MOFO. Got ready. Went to the wedding in Cold Spring (ummm is it bad that we entered on the heels of the bride?)

6. Killed time by changing in the car, shopped around Cold Springs, then changed again in some forest with a dude in a red truck driving back and forth...fortunately I was changing in the back, where the windows were tinted...maybe he caught a nip slip from Carrie.

7. Went to Garrison, had an UNBELIEVABLE time at the reception. Went to the after party in the hotel next to ours in Fishkill.

8. Slept in some more, then Nicole Carrie and I drove to Ossining to see Jeff and Liz's SUPER AMAZING HOUSE WHY DO HOMES IN ORANGE COUNTY SUCK SO BAD...their home (and backyard) is enough to make me want to move to NY!

9. Did some nature walk in Rockefeller park...

10. Went back to the city, vegged out with Nicole's college buddy Kit...walked EVERYWHERE (over 30 blocks)...

11. Drove to the ghettoooo (some area called Jamaica...much like the real Jamaica, i was ready to be robbed) where our hotel was near the airport...

12. Got up ridiculously early Sun morning and flew back.

And that was NY in a nutshell.

For the pics...

I'm in AWE of the Olive Garden in Times Square. You don't understand...my mission in life is to eat there. This might trump my desire to go to Italy. I want a window seat in this Olive Garden sometime between now and the day I die:


Let me tell you about Canal street. I wanted to go because last year I saw the knockoffs that my friend Wendy got when she went. It was nuts. Cops were everywhere, and there's people whispering "whaddiya want?"...they would have laminated pictures of Coach or LV merchandise, you say what you want, then they run off to some van to get your requested item. The trick when you go into a shop is to say "hey, where do you keep the Coach stuff"...then they take you through some secret hidden door where there's a teenie room with the REAL knockoffs. Well Carrie and I get locked in a room (with this huge black guy who was also buying stuff for his "bih-niz")...after we both got horrible Gucci knockoffs, I realized we couldn't get out. There's this crazy locking system...the chick inside with us had to get on her walkie-talkie to get someone on the OUTSIDE to buzz us out. Crazy! If there had been a fire, we would have been fried along with dozens of horrible Gucci and Coach knockoffs. The price you pay for fashion!


Nicole perfected my infamous "side shoulder" pose:


Us girls with the gorgeous bride...it's been too long since we've all been together! And can someone PLEASE explain to me why natural light makes us all look older?! Thank God I don't have a job that requires me to be in natural light all day, ughhghghgh this is why I think botox is the shiz (note to self: inject some fat under my eyes...and into my boobs...).


I didn't have the extra camera battery so I'll have to wait till Carrie gets hers up online to post the rest of them (minus any drunken debauchery pics of course!)

Pics from Canada!

At last...finally uploaded all the pics on Shutterfly from the Ottawa trip. Oh the glitz and the glamour! And how I miss it :(
Oh Canada...our home and native land...

Note that this was the bank that USED to be National Trust, the bank I worked at (eep...over ten years ago!)


And yes, I've got pics of the infamous BCBG red dress (worn last week on Dancing With The Stars...without Samantha Harris' stupid belt) that I tried on in Ottawa, later bought in OC, and destroyed in New York (can't show all of it because Syl's wedding dress is in the background):


I also got stuck going to the Mer Bleue Bog...i f*cking HATE the bog. HATE IT HATE IT HATE IT. Plus it was freezing, so I was stuck wearing my dad's sweatshirt. Want to know how much I hated it? Check it:


I found this makeshift button that was taken when Erin, Stace and I volunteered for some Ronald McDonald House fashion show...in 8th grade?


I love that Nat drove all the way from Montreal just to have breakfast with me for ONE hour (yeah, she looks high here)...and that through a fluke I ran into Jay and then saw him a ton during my stay :)


Sigh...can I go back now?

And this is why I seriously need therapy

So I'm finally getting around to posting pics and blogging about Ottawa and NY...

Now I had mentioned previously that my mother is obsessed with stocking up on paper goods. Didn't believe me? Here's what I found when I was home...and this doesn't include her stashes that i DIDN'T find!

This is from my old closet in the basement:


Here's the kleenex stash she's got in the basement cupboard:


This is the TP stash in one of the upstairs bedrooms:


This one cracks me up the most. This is the stash under the basement stairs. Not only is there TP, but those boxes to the right of the safe are all kleenex boxes, and seriously this stash goes up to my waist!


Here's the stash in my mom's closet:


I couldn't even TELL you which closet this is from:


Here's the ghetto TP holder my dad got at some garage sale (a new habit my parents have adopted since my brother and I moved out):


This is one side of the entryway hallway:


And here's the other side:


FINALLY....i went to stash some stuff in my old bathroom drawer, but instead I had no room because I found this:


I swear I'm not crazy...my parents made me this way!

Back to the land of the living!

Done!
I'm back!
All the travels!
All the pictures!
So much to write!

And most importantly...I'm writing this on my BRAND NEW LAPTOP...my baby! It's pretty! It's also alot heavier than I thought (that's what you get for performance)...

Stay tuned for more writing finally...yee haw! I have a pulse!

Canada Trip: Days 3-7

Oh where oh where is Sabinas latest blog about the Emmys and the red carpet crazy outfits???
Nothin here for me to read about your opinions and thoughts!

She's in Canada...with no DVR and no time to watch tv (gasp)...I didn't even know the Emmys were on...

So I've totallys lacked on writing, mostly because Kraig was here and he spent more time on the laptop my dad's got in the basement than I did.

Friday was a day of shopping, picking up Kraig, more shopping (saw Syl's wedding dress, gorgeous, and tried on the most AMAZING red dress from BCBG. It's sad when Kraig is like "who cares that it's $340cdn. You HAVE to buy it. HAVE TO."), then did this all you can eat sushi thing. Then Kraig met my dad, which went exactly as I figured it would: my dad was friendly, cheery, all that good stuff. He even gave Kraig a HUG...my dad hasn't hugged me since I took the plane ride to move to California 8 years ago.

Day 4, Saturday, we got our Caveau de Schezwan on...it's a sit-down buffet. To die for. For real. Then we wandered around the market till 5:30, where my partayyyy night got on...hung out at Lonestar, drank like mad, and saw dozens of friends I haven't seen in ages. I was jonesin' for Poutine, and I had promised Bryan that my first time having poutine would be with him. Well Lonestar doesn't have poutine, so I went next door to Dunn's ordered gravy and cheese curds (also got a side of fries, only because they charged me for the whole damn poutine so I figured i might as well take the fries as well even though I had a plate of fries waiting for me back at Lonestar)...went back to Lonestar, and proceeded with my "do it yourself poutine"...so, so good...

After that, headed out to a lounge...went home, all good times...i had SO MUCH FUN (Thank you thank you thank you Bryan for organizing it!)

Sunday was The Bog day, which pretty uneventful....

Monday at 3:30am woke up to take Kraig to the airport, only to have the plane break and he then missed his connecting flight, sohe got back to LA pretty late. I spent the day with Christine and her boys (I am beyond impressed with her ability to maintain total calm in the face of chaos), got my poutine on with Bryan later :)

And finally, today, Day 7...got to see Erin at work, got to see Stacey's house and meet her adorable little girl Faith, got to chill for a bit with Sylvia and her mom, and got to enjoy my mother bitching me out for something so incredibly retarded. My dad agreed to drop me off at Syl's mom's house because he needed the car, and Syl offered to drive me home...this concept rocked my mother's foundations and she went into serious hysterics. I have no idea why. My dad and I were like "WHAT is your problem woman!?!"...

Tonight she wanted me to go through some of the crap I still have at home so I can pack stuff up to take home. Her logic is that my brother and i still have too much crap in our house (well, her house, whatever) and that she wants to clear stuff out. BUT...thing is, she's a PACK RAT. I've found over the course of the past few days things that i know 100% for sure that I threw out last time I was here (uhhh my Dangerous Minds soundtrack cassette? This ghetto VHS on makeup application?!)...so WHY am I throwing things out only to have her go back and insist that she may need it?!

She's also mad because she figures all I had to do was see my friends ONCE and that would be sufficient...ummm, no, i'm going to max out every second that i can with my friends since the next time I see them will be...who knows! (Okay it might be sooner than we think if Syl has a post-elopement reception in ottawa)

Going to Toronto for the next 2 days, and then Friday will be my last day...sniff...this has honestly been one of the most awesome trips EVER. I wish I could stop time...it's amazing how homesick I am. I went to the grocery store today and was like a moron touching all the products I had forgotten about...and i bought a big container of Kraft Peanut Butter...oh and these like baby cookie things that have chocolate on one side...how you can actually catch a Sens game on tv...seeing YTV...

My flight tomorrow is at 8am and my mom wants to leave at 6:15am. Her theory is that if something happens, that gives us enough time to call a cab. (Oh gee, I guess with my cell phone and the $20/min roaming fee since they're too neanderthal to get their own cell phones). It'll take us max 20 mins to get to the airport....

Canada Trip: Day 2 (part 2)

This is gonna be the placeholder for the blog about my mom's toilet paper stash. I would post it now, except I found two more spots: the front entry closet, plus her stash in the car, that need to be photographed. So...stay tuned. My mom is seriously obsessed.

Turns out though that a good pack of TP is $17 here in Canada...it's $11 in the US at Target for a good pack of Cottonelle...so maybe my mom has reasons!

Canada Trip: Day 2 (part 1)

Nothing, and i mean, NOTHING is more fabulous than sleeping in till noon on a work day. Especially when it's not because you're unemployed. I only woke up out of a sense of guilt that I was wasting my day, even though really...I don't feel guilty at all. I did however have a nightmare about some dude coming to kill me and my friends, and some random couple had Ryan's new baby Olivia...but the chick wasn't bonding with Olivia, so they handed her to me and was like "here, you take her", and I had a hard time sneaking her out because i was trying to avoid the killer.

Then in my dream i dreamt that i woke up from the nightmare, and told Nicole (Olivia's mom) about the nightmare, and she was laughing it off. So weird to pseudo-wake up from your dream only to have another dream where you're telling your dream to the next dream people.

Anyway.

After I got ready (blowdrying my hair with my mom's old blowdryer that all the power of a small child blowing on my head...whcih also reminds me, their vacuum is so old, the front popped off and now you can see the lightbulb on the front), I went upstairs because my mom was griping about something to my dad. All i heard was "Why do all these people get new things while I'm stuck with rubbish" my mom says rubbish as often as I say "douchebag", so I came up and was like "wassup yo with all this griping"...I guess my mom was complaining about how my dad goes to garage sales and buys alot of crap. Which is like calling the kettle black, but whatever.

Then the next convo went like this:
Me: You guys seriously need to get rid of your Powerpoint VHS tapes. They're outdated.
Dad: No, i don't know powerpoint that well, I might need to reference it.
Me: You're retiring, if you don't know it now you'll be okay. Trust me. Plus those tapes will be of NO use to you. It's changed so much now.
Mom: Yeah, i have those books you can use instead.

Me: No, those books are even WORSE. There's no such thing as "Microsoft Mail" anymore.

Dad: Well the idea is still the same.

Me: NO it's not. You can't even just go to "File, Print" anymore in Office 2007. You have to click the little logo int he corner. AND if you dont' know what you're doing, just do a search for "Powerpoint for beginners".

Dad: Oh good point. Can you install MS Office on that laptop in the basement? It's for the mosque.

Me: Sure, but you know Office isn't free right?

Dad: It's not?
Me: NO it's not, Microsoft doesn't give their moneymaker away for free!
Dad: well how did your brother get it on the upstairs computers?

Me: He had the CD...did he leave it?
Dad: no, he left nothing.

Me: Well i have one at home I can send you and tell you how to install it...
Mom: I don't understand, why don't you just copy it from the upstairs computers?
Me: It doesn't work that way. It's not like one file that i can drag to a CD.

Dad: So it's not free?

Me: I'll hook you up. Don't worry about it.

To quote cher: Old people can be so cute sometimes.

I also discovered why I couldn't call anyone...I was trying to call Christine, i KNEW i had her number right...it kept saying "your call cannot be completed as dialed". Then I was like "okay, I guess this is like one of those things where i need to dial 1-613 first, even though it's not like distance". Well then I got a "the number you have dialed is not long distance". So i'm like "well wtf!"...

Turns out I had to dial just the area code, no "1" before it. I swear I feel like i'm trying to call a third world country.

Canada: Day 1

I actually have an entry I wrote at the airport but...i disabled the radio on my laptop and argh, stupid me, i forgot what a f*cking pain in the ass it is to turn it back on (hitting Fn+F2 doesn't help).

Right now at this second, my mom is yelling at me from the other room about a necklace she gave me years ago. The conversation/yelling is going something like this:

Mom: Do you still have that necklace I gave you last time?
me: Which one? You've given me alot.l

MOm: The one i won from Zellers. (Note: zellers is like...Kmart...ghetttoooo)
Me: That one got all nasty and gross, it wasn't real gold. I threw it out.

Mom: (freaking out) Well of course it wasn't gold, why would you throw it out?

Me: Because it made my skin all green! This was like 20 years ago!

Mom: no, the one i gave you last time i was there.
Me: Oh, i don't know which one that is, but yes i still have it.
Mom: why are you throwing things out?
Me: it was 20 years old! It was just an old cheap necklace!
Mom: no, i just gave it to you! That wasn't cheap!
Me: i'm not TALKING about that one, I'm talking about the one from 20 years ago!
Mom: Well i'm talking about the one i just gave you!
Me: I don't know which one that is, you have to tell me more than just its origins.
Mom: it's the one from Zellers!
Me: I KNOW THAT...but you have to tell me WHAT IT LOOKED LIKE I DONT KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT

Mom: it's the one with those two things! Do you still wear it? Don't throw things out!

Me: WHAT TWO THINGS ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?:!

Mom: you know, those things. It came from Zellers.


THis is pretty much the same conversation but with a different topic since i've arrived. Some things I've forgotten or re-learned about my parents:

1. No wonder I have a hoarder's mind. My mom has no less than ELEVEN frying pans. I keep bagging onher for it (until she yelled at me to stop, insisting she needed them, and i'm like "there's only 4 burners!"), she has a PILE of brand new cutting boards but still uses the same pink one from when we were kids, she has an entire boxed collection of crystal glasses (that she let me know were SO expensive when i went to scope them out, precariously balancing on the counter, as i also pointed out that she still has the little cup holders for soft boiled eggs that i guarantee have not been used since i was 4), and the ultimate:
There is not ONE SINGLE CUPBOARD in this house (and there's more cupboards than you can imagine, we have a finished basement) that doesn't contain some paper goods. THere's enough toilet paper and kleenex to last through World War III. Heck, even IV.

I told them I'm "shopping"...I've already claimed dibs on around 20 metal skewars for bbqing.

2. My parents have lost all touch in their sense of decorating. My house use to look decent, now...sigh, my parents are old. And they like going to garage sales. I can't begin to tell you the crap that has found it's way into this house. You'll have to see when I take pictures. It's just...wow. Right down to the wooden cat who's tail can hold a remarkable 7 rolls of toilet paper.

3. My parents will never listen to me. I tried to point out that there's some mold growing on the bathroom wall (I know, because when I rented in Santa Clara my lease required me to keep a spray bottle of bleach and spray down my bathroom whenever i saw the mold since there were no fans)...my mom just told me "it's behind the wall, stop worrying about it"...uhhh you can SEE IT all over the house. I'm sure I'm going to get cancer in a week.

4. How do parents' have more food than I'll ever buy? I opened the fridge and there was more food there than I've ever had in my fridge, even on days when we had bbqs. I mean, for real, it's incredible that i didn't gain a trillion pounds living at home.
Wait for the pics of the bagged milk. I know at least Tim and Shane have my back on the bagged milk! ALthough my mom likes to buy milk on sale in World War 3 War Time Saving mode...and puts them in the freezer. Who freezes milk? My parents, that's who.

5. You forget east coast architecture when you've been in california for so long.l The carpet is short (none of this berber stuff), the walls don't have that bizarro orange peel texture, and today it was raining...even weather "smells" different on the east coast. That could be all the worms on the ground (we don't get worms in california like here in Ottawa. We get effing snails. It's effing sick when you step on one by accident.)

6. It's weird when your parents dick around with the house, because then you think you know where stuff is...and then, it's not there. Or you look at something and you're like "did we always have that?". It's almost sad really, like someone erasing your memory so you're stuck with the bastardized version of it...that's how i feel about my house right now.

7. Back to the hoarding...my mom seriously buys so much stuff and then justifies it by saying it was on sale. They have THREE COIN SORTERS brand new, in box. Which i would consider taking one with me, except they're super big to accomodate loonies and toonies. Oh what else do my parents have? Like eighty random computer books from like 1970 that they got at a garage sale, two VHS tapes on how to use PowerPoint, promotional VHS tapes that are still sealed, and the best...this wooden coaster set that they've had since i was a kid and we would use when we played with our toys...i don't know if they keep it for memory's sake or if they really think one day, that wooden coaster holder with the black metal handle will come back in style.

Stay tuned for day 2. I told my mom I was going to take her to see a movie...she wanted to see Batman: The Dark Knight but i'd rather stab myself than see it again (i loved it but no desire to see it AGAIN) so I convinced her to see Be Kind: Rewind instead. But we have to go early because she doesn't "want to be running around all day"...no one gave her the memo that going to a movie is the laziest thing you can do.

Letter to the editor

What we don't even get a youtube vidoe of the skit sabina...your losing your bloging touch. Now i have to go look it up hehehhe :)

Ahh i added it, but only because it was on SNL's site and they allowed embedding...YouTube doesn't allow 99% of all tv shows that are out there, and if you do find them they get taken down within a day anyway (see my VMAs post for example). I haven't lost it, I just know what's permitted on youtube :P

As for my OCD...yep, just OCD about locking doors and turning off things that can cause a fire...however I am incredibly paranoid about other things in life, i just don't double check them as often as I check doors and stoves!

Campfires make me hot

So I recently ran into a charming young gentleman firefighter guy....and of course, I had to bombard him with random questions about...well, fire.

I wonder if firefighters actually say this ishh...


Now it's pretty safe to say that I'm obsessive compulsive about two things: locking doors and turning off things that can cause a fire. I seriously get beyond paranoid thinking about my stove not turning off (although I think it has a timer...but that's after it's been on for NINE HOURS), my house burning down, and my poor cats. Really, I just worry about my cats. I think i'm good with insurance and stuff (i've got pics that i keep in a safe deposit box).

Some random ishhhh that I learned:

- apparently they use wooden ladders. I don't know why this blows my mind. It's like, "oh we also find that pouring kerosene on our ladders is better than an aluminum or metal ladder". WOODEN LADDERS. My brain wants to explode just thinking about it.

- we had an earthquake a month or two ago here in SoCal which leads me to the big debate: doorways or the Triangle Theory. This whole Triangle thing just seems like uhh...kind of a big risk (just crouch NEXT to a big object...ummm...when they hunk of plywood whacks me in the head I'd feel like a douche explaining to the paramedics about how i got an email forward in my spam folder telling me not to duck)...but the doorway thing just bugs me becuase i'm thicker than a doorway, so how the eff is that supposed to protect me?! Well apparently the doorway wins...the dude who invented the triangle of life theory is what they call "Ricky Rescue"...I wonder why no fireguy hasn't just punched the inventor in the face.

- This one cracks me up...apparently when you're freaking out and hyperventilating, it's called Hispanic Panic...I did a search on it later, and wtf, it's apparently a common term! And also the username of a boatload of dudes on MySpace. It seems that umm...some ethnicities freak out more than others when there's an incident requiring firefighters or paramedics. And when you start hyperventilating to that extent, your extremities go numb. Like breathing crazy fast makes your toes and hands go numb. If your hands are numb, how are you supposed to breathe into a paperbag? And then I wonder...when i'm at the gym using the elliptical for an hour super fast, and my hands go numb and i'm barely breathing, is that the gym version of hispanic panic?!

And on the subject of fire...

My mom used to hide the matches in a mug in the way back of our cupboards. Which clearly defeated the purpose, since us kids knew where the hiding spot was. My brother would light a candle when he was stuck babysitting me and poor the crazy hot wax on my hand, telling me that I need to toughen up (he would do it too so uhh, i guess that's not sibling abuse!). I think it really was just us doing the ONE thing you're not supposed to do when your parents aren't home: start a fire. (Note: hot wax on your hands actually isn't hot at all, and my brother cried harder at Titanic than I did so who's the tougher one now bitch?!)

Props!

Props to Tina Fey for doing an INCREDIBLE job playing Sarah Palin...

Best best best fashion advice

Scroll down to the very bottom...maddox's page still kicks ass. I hate these dresses/tops for the very reason he listed.
Scroll to the very bottom rant.

His image cracks me up every time:

My pearl of wisdom for today

As overheard by me today:
The key to a successful at-home brazillian is the willingness to sit spread-eagle on your kitchen floor.

The best revenge

Wow.

Wow.

Wow.

If the best revenge is living well, Pink is over the moon right now...her VMA performance right now is not only blowing my mind, but she looks better (and in the best shape of her life) than she ever had.

Dayam girl. You make divorce look good.

This is the only video so far online i could find, the resolution blows:


Edited to add:
ARGHGHGHGH Christina Aguilera, one of the reasons I adore you is because you are talented, you don't need to lip sync...clearly I'm not the only one who immediately noticed the lip synching at the VMAs. Sigh. True though, the song is pretty rad.

Edited again:
PLEASE! I get the ONE token VMA to give to Britney, but THREE?! Three?! For Piece of Me?! She's got much better songs, for real!? At least LL Cool J is still an ageless incredible specimen.

edited a third time:
Xtina's video in case anyone cares...great song, great choreography, horrible lip syncing...

Christina - Keeps [jonnyalisblog.com]
by Alisvideo

Apple: interesting article from newsweek

This article from Newsweek: "One Bad Apple,Apple is looking like what Microsoft was 10 years ago—a Bigfoot that squeezes smaller competitors." is pretty interesting. You can't blame Apple for its tactics, its finally gotten the popularity that its been jonesin' for years...

The "Made for iPod" markup fee is interesting, but once again...I can't fault Apple for it, iPods are crazy successful such that they gotta take advantage of other people trying to piggyback off their fame.

That being said, the one Macbook that i've had to use has phenomenal hardware (seriously, the h/w designers are brilliant), and the OS appearance is pretty nifty, however I've had nothing but problems with the s/w...everything from OpenOffice to MS Office freezes up, seriously every application freezes up on it. Not that it's all Apple's fault, i'm simply saying...I've had more problems in 3 months with a Macbook than i've ever, ever had with a Windows PC or laptop.

Marlene and Bryan, i KNOW you're going to give me your two cents, so go for it :P

For your viewing pleasure:


Love this:

My music video...yes, i'm a big star!

Okay so I'm not a star and it's not my music video, i'm in it for all of like, 3 seconds...but it cracks me up.

The story: its Saturday night, out celebrating Janet's birthday + her goodbye shindig at Chronic Cantina...Kraig got crazy drunk...Tim called and ask me if I could be the fill-in for their "ethnic" model chick who bailed on them...

So the next morning it was me and Tim and my retardedness filming around Costa Mesa...here's the thing...Somehow in order to capture a "mood", i kept TALKING. Ummm people don't TALK TO THEMSELVES when they're in music videos but oh no, if i was supposed to think I was the shiz, I would walk along talking out loud "oh look at me, I'm the shiz, i'm the bomb dot com**".

The bit at the end, where i'm driving...I believe (Tim correct me if i'm wrong) I didn't realize he was filming and I was just yakking away like I always do, pretty oblivious...

For your viewing pleasure:


**i didn't say "bomb dot com", i only just heard that expression recently and i LOVE IT, but that's the gist of what i was saying to myself.

Edited to add Tony's comment here because it's just too funny to not be on the main page:
I can't decide if I want to ask you to autograph my ass, or if I want to tell you I really thought you would be writhing around on the hood of a TransAm at some point during the video....

Email from my mom

Got an infuriating email from my mom, but this snippet is so way out there that I HAD to post it:

i would suggest for u to stay with them. many times they mentioned on tv that toronto hotels, even the very best, suffer from bedbug problems. bring back one pregnant female and there will be a disaster. i don't want that problem in my house and u could take one with u back to cali.

How i'm not more crazy than I really am is beyond me.

An open letter to all women...

Watching the last episode of SATC...

Carrie and Big just met up again...
Charlotte just got the pic of her new baby...
Samantha just told Smith that he's meant more to her than any man she's ever known...

Damn if the part of Charlotte looking at the picture of her adopted child doesn't make you weepy, you're cold as ice. Wow. Damn this was such a great series.

Pictures (not all, some by request)

So a few weeks ago I had a bbq, there's quite a few where I'm doing shots with people (disclaimer: i'm a grownup, it was in my own house, and there was nothing scandalous about it), since most people wouldn't want pics like that all over the internet just shoot me an email and I'll send you the shutterfly link.

In other news, last night was Greg and Liz's wedding...Greg and I knew each other from our McD's days, total fluke that we both ended up moving to Southern California. Anyway, here's the Shutterfly link to their wedding pics.
Congrats to them!

I've decided

I've decided 2 things:

1. I need to find whoever does Pam Anderson's makeup. I love the girl, I always have (yeah Canadian Chicks!) but she looks ROUGH. But when she's dolled up, dang she still looks great. So her makeup artist needs to be shackled to my bathroom to do my face every frickin' day.

2. You know how there's groups of people that as a chick, you just feel like crap next to?
Growing up, being around thin white girls always made me feel insecure. I wanted to be white WHITE (i tan really easily, and i was much darker as a kid), i wanted to be "all american" err "all canadian" looking.
It grew into really really wanting to be tall, blond, blue eyed. Blond blond. Tried dying my hair blond. Turned orange. Not a good look.

Now, as i'm 31...it's the sexy asian chicks that make me want to crawl back into my hole. There's a chick i see almost every day...tall, not stick skinny but thin/curvy, gorgeous face, long hair, perfect smile...i feel like i'm the "before" picture in a plastic surgery ad next to her. And it's not just her...asian chicks age really well until they're like 70, great skin, argh...

Its incredible how the presence of a gorgeous chick can make me feel like I should hang out with my buddy Quasimoto in his bell tower.

Why Gossip Girl is absolutely brilliant

In response to someone (who is sooo not the target demographic...not only by gender, but by a SIGNIFICANT number of years) smacktalking Gossip Girl, I was going to work with Sara on coming up with a list of all the reasons it's absolutely brilliant considering the setting is the fickle world of "New York's Elite". But this clip instead sums it up, if I could make it my ringtone (oh, if only I were younger and not a working professional, I would:

when I grow up

When I grow up, I want to be Leighton Meister


(The one on the right in the fuchsia dress)

Sigh!

Randy Jackson, you kick ass

Two seasons now of American's Best Dance crew...mother effing amazing show. I don't do reality competition style shows, but these kids are so mind bogglingly talented I'm in awe.

Last year I loved BreakS8 and JabbaWockeeZ....JabbaWockeez kicked ASS:
(skip to 1:30)


LOVED this routine (plus i adore One Republic):

• MTV
• Music Videos
• MTV Shows
• Entertainment News

I love this routine from Breaksk8, only because the part where they lift their shirts is effing sexy as all hell:


And now...SuperCr3w...these guys can do some seriously crazy stunts. This performance still blows me away:
(argh mtv obviously took it from YouTube...all i could find was this crappy ass quality one):


if the part at 18 seconds doesn't blow your mind, well...you've got no pulse.

So stoked for season 3....

From Christine

From Christine...so bored, might as well...

How late did you stay up last night and why?
I think 11ish? Why...because that's when I was tired? I don't know.

Have you ever kissed someone whose name started with an D?
Yes. My ex boyfriend Don.

How's your life lately?
It's a'ight. Not overly great, but not overly bad.

Do you think you're a good person?
No. But i don't pretend to be either.

Are you happier single or in a relationship?
Well if I'm single it's because I wasn't happy with the relationship, so of course in that case single was better. But i'm not single now, thus that means I'm happy with my relationship and I have no desire to change that!

Who was the last person you talked to on the phone?
Totally don't remember. I hate talking on the phone. It's so archaic. “Oh look at me, I'm Amish, talking on the phone”. Text, IM, or email me.

Whose bed did you sleep in last night? with who ?
Kraig, and two cats.

Do you miss anyone?
I miss my friends in Northern California (yo peeps i'll be up there in a few weeks!), and I miss everyone in Canada.

What are you listening to?
Would rather not say because then it'll incriminate me.

Is there one place you'd like to visit?
ITALY
ITALY
ITALY


Do you like winter time?
It's not really any different than the summer here...but if i had to pick, Summer would trump Winter.

What are you excited about?
My bbq this weekend. On a Saturdayyyyy...we all know what happens when we have bbqs on saturdays...hopefully this time no guest will threaten me or shove me or hitch hike home because we took their keys away!

Plans for today?
Going to the gym with Carrie tonight.

What are you doing tomorrow?
Dinner with my husband, than preparing for the bbq.

Do you want to dance?
Ummm, no. I miss clubbing, but I have all the rhythm of a cow in heat. (Christine, remember that good ol' line? Whatever happened to Chris G anyway?)

Something interesting happen lately?
Yes, but it's BAD interesting, it involves someone that my husband and I care about, and I'm definitely not posting it here.

Do you wish you were somewhere else now?
YES very much so. Even being in my car would be better.

Ever kissed a blond haired, blue eyed person?
Blond-ish yes. Does dark blond count? I mean, not anyone who was like, california-blond.

What did you do last night?
Did we not already discuss last night? I came home, texted some peeps, watched Bold and The Beautiful, went to bed.

What is your current annoyance?
I can't keep up in my life with the things that need to get done.

Where is your mom right now?
In Orleans.

What are you supposed to be doing right now?
If i tell you, that would incriminate me.

When was the last time you felt unbearably guilty?
I read this thing about a dude who was a paraplegic. Maybe my mother did this to me because she used to tell me i should feel grateful for what i've got, but damn if I didn't feel just awful...like, as much as I hate my thighs or my boobs (HA or lack of them), I have everything in working order, and my life is much easier as a result. So then I feel like a complete asshole.

Is there someone on your mind that shouldn't be?
YES

How did your day start off?
Bad. I had to get up super early so I could get to the grocery store...getting up early for anything unless it's “get up early so i could switch to a comfier bed and go back to sleep” is never good.

Does anyone hate you?
Yes, absolutely.

Are you happy with life?
It has it's moments.

Can you handle the truth?
Better than Tom Cruise, that's for damn sure.

Have you ever read an entire book in one day?
Who's not retarded enough to be able to read See Spot Run in one day?

How's the weather today?
Nice and warm.

Who do you hate?
There are two people who fit the bill. Hate IS a very strong word, and there's extreme dislike vs. hate. To me, “hate” means I would have zero problems if they died tomorrow. And there's two people that fit the bill. See the above question about whether I think I'm a good person.

Did you speak to your mother today?
Nope.

Who are you talking to right now ?
No one. I'm filling this frickin' thing out.

How many months until your birthday?
12

What is on your desk right now?
Papers, a Dwight bobblehead, hand sanitizer, my purse, a sweater, my Chik Fil A “cereal” box promo, a billion empty cans of diet pepsi and diet coke.

How often do you give high fives?
Pretty often actually. I'm a loser like that.

Can you fill this out without lying?
Well that obviously is a catch-22 of a question isn't it.

Have you ever kissed anyone named Matthew?
Yes (note to my husband: no, not THAT Matt)

How often do you eat fast food?
Only in dire straits.

Can you play guitar hero?
I played Rock Band, and I sucked so bad at it. But it's fun.

Last time you walked further than a block?
I dunno...hmmm crap I really don't remember. I guess last time I was at the gym with Carrie we walked on the treadmills for awhile, that was probably more than a block's worth.

Which of your friends lives closest to you?
Lauren from book club is pretty close.

What are you plans for the night?
Didn't this already get asked? Going to the gym with Carrie. Then maybe do work.

Do you believe ex's can be friends?
Depends what you did when you were pre-Ex. Obviously Bryan and I can...but we were in elementary school and it was more than PG-13 clean. But if you boned the person, forget it. Ladder theory people, ladder theory. Guys will always want to bone you, especially if you're already low on the ladder in bonability.

When was the last time you cried really hard?
2 weeks ago.

Where is your biological father right now?
As opposed to my adopted father?! He's probably at home with my mom. Or the mosque.

When is your birthday?
Why don't you ask for my SSN too.

Was yesterday better than today?
YES very.

Do you have any nicknames?
Bean, Beanie, Beanbag....Kraig calls me Sweetie.

Are you mad about anything?
YES. I'm ridden with angst. WTF hence the purpose of this blog.

Last time you spent the night at someone's house?
a few weeks ago

Have you made any new friends recently?
Yep

Have you kissed anyone with a name starting with T?
Yep (geezus why don't we go through the entire alphabet or male baby name book while we're at it to see how much of a whore i am!)

Is anything bothering you right now?
My knee is acting up. Which makes me feel REALLY old. I knew that knee situation would catch up to me in my old age, i just hoped it would be closert to 50, not 31.

Are you a bad influence?
I agree with you Christine...no, but I can easily be influenced into bad behavior.

Night out or night in
Night in all the way. Nothing beats wearing something comfy, bowl of popcorn, movie.

Do you like someone right now?
Sure.

How do you feel about your life right now?
Stop asking me the same crap.

Explain why you last threw up?
Food made me sick.

What do you usually order at McDonald’s?
I don't eat at McD's. Especially not in the US. The only things I've consumed at a McD's in the US was 1 ice cream cone, and then sips from Kraig's diet coke. Let me tell you, I worked at McD's. They pump fat in the AIR. Even their WATER will make you gain weight. It's a bad scene, avoid it at all costs.

What kind of shoes did you wear today?
Gasp non-3” heels. These are 2.5” ones, brown kitten heels with a peep toe and a teenie dark brown bow.

Do you like scary movies?
YES very much so. I think The Ring made more of a profound impact on my life than my marriage, my immigration, and my childhood combined.

Roller coasters?
Big time. Unfortunately Kraig doesn't like them, so...i haven't been on a good scary one in years. Actually, since I moved to the US.

Who was the last person to comment on you?
Ummm see the below post about the dude and my ass.

What is today?
Thursday

What brand of batteries does your family use?
Energizer or Duracell

Is science your best academic subject in school?
YES, yes it was, along with math. I'd tattoo the period table of the elements if I could.

Ever drank nail polish remover?
Why yes, yes i have.

AIM, MSN or MySpace IM?
Are you high? AIM is so 1999 (“you've got mail”...wtf)...MSN is okay, but I'm anti-anything that's already installed on my computer when I'm installing Windows, and MySpace is so bloody irritating. So...it's Yahoo or FB IM all the way.

Would you rather sleep with someone else, or alone?
I'd rather sleep with Kraig when he's not snoring. And my cats.

Do you consider yourself creative?
Not at all.

Do you know how to play poker?
YES and I love it.

Have you ever been awake for 48 hours straight?
Sure, who hasn't?

Do you have a secret that no one knows but you?
Obviously.

Do you ever wear a seat belt?
I can't believe I'm still answering this retarded survey.

Have you ever been punched in the face?
Yes. 18th birthday. Can thank Kevin for that one, that motherf*cker.

What were you doing 15 minutes ago?
This survey's taken me a f*cking hour, and I type fast.

Do you have any famous relatives?
Well, my dad is famous amongst the muslim community...otherwise, no. Although i was once told we're related to Genghis Khan, which would REALLY explain the rage I've got going on.

Are any of your great-grandparents still alive?
Nope. Just one grandmother left.

Has the person who hurt you the most recently apologized?
Yes.

Do you still talk to the last person you kissed?
Yes.

Are you a morning person or a night?
Night

Are you there for your friends?
Not as much as I should be.

Are you a forgiving person?
People have told me I'm too quick to forgive...it bites me in the ass later.

Do you smoke on the regular?
I must be to continue this survey.

Are you mad at anyone?
Yes.

Who was the last person you ate with?
Coworkers at a baby shower.

Ever punched somebody or been punched?
Have we not had this discussion?: Anyway, Yes and yes.

Do you have a job?
Yes, thankfully in this economy!

Are you easily confused?
Depends on who's trying to confuse me.

Do you think you would make a good parent?
No, but that wouldn't stop me.

You're able to go back into your life and change one thing, what is it?
We all know my gripe...i would have studied biotech/genetic engineering intead of computer science. BIGGEST regret. And I would have said “eff it” to my parents and gone to McMaster. Remember that question about being easily influenced?!

Are you perfect?
I'm anti-perfect, I'm so imperfect.

What do you think of when you think of being alone?
My brain is always racing a mile a minute. I have some serious inner-dialogue going on, alone or not.

Do you hide who you really are to keep your family happy?
LOL I know my childhood friends can agree with this: YES

The worst reply to someone sexually harassing you

This morning before work I had to go to the grocery store to pick up some Martinelli's for a baby shower.

Some random dude sort of grabbed...well more like touched my ass and said something along the lines of "this is great" (or this is nice, i can't remember exactly)...

The last time a random dude touched my ass was when i was in University, clubbing at Reactor. Thus, that was 10 years ago.

The average woman might have turned around and snapped at the f*cker. Or maybe she would have slapped him (although he sort of wandered off at that point). Maybe she would have had a hissy fit. Maybe she just would have rushed off in a huff.

What did I do? I said "Oh no, it's the pants. They're from the Gap!"

I got in my car thinking that someone sexually harassing you, even on a tiny level, is not a good time to try and argue that it's not the ass, but the well-tailored pants from The Gap.

I'm not gonna lie, it really is the pants though. My ass looks fantastic in them. If there was an academy award for pants, these would win.

Funny...from Erin....

Ahhhhh this made me laugh so hard, it was worth posting here:

it reminds me of the ghost tour I signed up my grade 11 class to take (it was a walking tour in montreal the old part) any way we showed up and there was no tour guide...i called to complain and get our money back and he said you have to look for the ghosts yourself....no refund! ASS!

Letter to the editor

Um those palm trees should be grandfathered in then,
Unless they just changed some rule in your HOA that says you can't have trees in your back yard patio area.

We can have trees...they just can't be touching any of the structures. Well those effing palm trees have ballooned in the 5 years we've been there, so they're pushng against the fence. Which I understand...I'm just not up for the fight I'm going to have with them when i say that i've rigged it so they're not longer pushing against the fence, they're not TOUCHING the fence...

it's actually not our HOA, but rather, the community management property that gets hired out.

My neighbor had to rip out all of his trees...which i was fine with, his trees would leave itty bitty leaves everywhere on our patio, plus clog up my a/c. Here I was LAUGHING at his plight a month ago...and now I'm stuck in that same boat.

In Olympic news....

Per my last blog posting, the Olympics can suck my balls. I hate summer olympics, they're boring other than to watch some gymnastics stuff which is really like the athletic version of So You Think You Can Dance?

Thus I can't root for Team Canada, if it doesn't involve snow or ice, we suck. I decided on Saturday night that I was going to root for Team P (aka, Team Pakistan), because someone's gotta root for them...well they don't even have a stupid medal.

So I went to the medal standings and decided to go for the ultimate underdog.

That's right. I'm on Team T!
Team Tajikistan all the way! Woo hoo!

I wonder if Old Navy or Roots has any Tajikstan apparel.

F*CK IT

OKAY, FUCK IT:

1.FUCK IT, i'm going to say it, i'm so annoyed when I see people use the speaker feature on their cell phones when driving...but still hold the phone in their hands. And it's only WOMEN who are retarded enough to do this.
The law isn't “don't hold a phone near your head”, it's “hands free”...if the law was that you can't have a headset near your head, then bluetooth devices would be illegal. The key is to keep BOTH hands free when driving and talking.

I don't even care that these people are breaking the law...I care that these women are making my gender look even more stupid by truly not understanding the stupid law. “Oh, if I don't hold it to my head but i speak into the speakerphone, that's within the rules”. Damn i hate women.

Not to be confused with all the texting I do while driving...texting and driving is NOT against the law in California (yet). Driving while distracted, yes. Texting while driving...nope.

2.FUCK IT...i'm sick of the big flippin' 27” tv that's taking up all this room in my bedroom...that monster won't die. My mom got it from Walmart over 10 years on sale for $700 (it was floor model missing the remote)...um yeah I think I can retire it. So I started an automatic savings account to put $50 a month aside and in ONE YEAR i'm getting a fucking flatscreen for the bedroom.
So sick of things on the bedroom floor, that includes TV stands (or drawers that are used to hold tvs).

3.FUCK IT...I'm saying it. Mariah Carey, you look like ass with your Fly Girl circa 1992 short skirts and crop tops. You don't have abs. You got liposuction. It would look SO much better if you just wore tight tops and jeans or something. You don't have the body for the whore outfits. Rihanna has the body. Anyone under 30 has the body. You my dear, DO NOT. Your stomach looks just as bad as Tara Reid's.

4.Fuck it, i'm saying it, 90210 is going to be effing AWESOME. That chick from Nip/Tuck is so easy to hate...she'll do great on it. It might even give Gossip Girls a run for its money.

5.FUCK IT, i'm saying it: I don't give a sh*t about the olympics. Yay for Michael Phelps and his records broken, the guy is a mutant, wtf did you expect?! I'm Canadian, we rule the winter olympics...talk to me in 2 years.

6.FUCK IT...I've got no shame: my Homeowner's Association can suck my balls. They sent me a letter saying I had to immediately rip up my palm trees due to the damage to MY fence. Okay, I get it, but damn people this “immediately” thing is BS. Yeah i'll get right onto the hundreds of dollars that'll cost me to MOVE SOME PALM TREES...i'm so annoyed, i inherited those fucking trees...Kraig rigged it so that they're not longer pressing against the fence, and now the battle of The Horigans vs. The HOA shall begin.

Birthday Pics

Pics from last night, Nicole D's 2nd annual 30th birthday shindig...
Shutterfly Link Here

I feel the need to point out that at the START of the night, my hair looked awesome, totally straight with a hint of wave. This rarely ever works, so damn right i'm going to make a big deal when my hair looks decent (unlike my Comic Con pics, where the humidity made my hair go nuts!)

Comic Con pics

OKAY...finally...
Here's the pics from Comic Con 2008

I'm DONE. You hear me? I'm DONE. I'm so over going. My goal this year was to photograph just random nerdness. Kraig went almost every day, I just went on Saturday (Sunday gave my tix to Tim and Mark, after we filmed Mark's band's music video snippets).

A few things to note...

Felicia and I are noting the bromance brewing between Kraig and John


Summer Glau is every nerd's wet dream. She's not hot enough to be a regular actress, but put her in 4400, Terminator, Firefly, Serenity...and nerds everywhere are ready to shoot their loads.


This kid was the freakiest person I've ever met. I think he was there alone, which is a warning sign #1. When Kraig took his picture, he freaked out asking whether he got his STINGER in the picture. And then he ranted about how cool his stinger was (warning #2)! He was almost getting aggressive, like kid, chill the eff out!


This guy was from Stargate or Battlestar Galactica (i think i mislabeled the images in Shutterfly)...I don't know who he is, but he was GORGEOUS. I mean, honestly, I don't know why every nerd woman there didn't rape him. I felt like when I walked by it suddenly got all slow-mo and "I just died in your arms tonight" played in the air...he was supa dupa fly.


Nathan Fillion is such a douchebag. His shows all tank (minus Desperate Housewives), he can't act his way out of a paperbag, and he's not even remotely attractive. I don't see how this tool has a job.


I used to work with this guy. What's scary is that everyone was in awe of him when he was wandering around, and my reaction was "OMG...i worked with that guy!"...What are the odds?



So that's it, I'm DONE with Comic Con, i'm done with posting pictures, I'm over it!

Note that it was so humid in San Diego, I was rockin' some crazy wavy curly hair...grrrrrrrrrrr....nothing says sexy like crazy frizzy wavy hair, a Disney tshirt, and running shoes. Yeah!

Another year older. Definitely not wiser.

Some pics from one of my birthday shindigs this past week...got to see most of my girls, whom I adore, they're fabulous and as always make getting older a little less painful! Just a few pics View quickly before someone complains about their face plastered on the web :P

My eyes are hurting

Okay i'm pretty pissed because I wrote up this blog entry already, but then the computer froze up and I lost my stuff. Grrr.

Here's my rant for today, or really, the past while...

I have incredibly high standards I think for people I see on tv. Everyone's dying to be on tv, so the very least TV producers can do is pick from the most aesthetically-pleasing of the bunch. I had to stop watching Living Lohan because neither Lindsay Lohan's mom or sister's personalities (oh you new jersey people you!) make up for their ugliness. Lindsay is attractive. Ali? Not so much.

I'm obsessed with this eHarmony commercial: link to youtube because eharmony made them disable the embedded link. I just don't think Lee is good-looking enough to be in a commercial. Now if it were a commercial for weight loss, then yes, he's attractive enough. However this is for something that's based on love and chemistry, which requires some level of aesthetic qualities. Which he lacks.

Then I wonder, would I find him hot in real life? Would I want to date him? But that's not what matters...even in an online dating commercial. No, his face is on MY tv, during MY airtime, during MY free time...I say what should be on, and what I want is an e-harmony commercial featuring Ryan Reynolds. Note that Ann Marie is super cute, so I won't knock her. In fact, she must be incredibly psycho to still have been single 'cause she can do better than that Lee guy. He would have been better looking if he had stayed OFF the tv, without my judging eyes viewing him through a glass panel.

Consider that in the 70s and 80s, producers didn't seem to understand how attractiveness matters. Sure, they had Charlie's Angels...but what about the original American Gladiators? Did they not think that chicks could be tough, strong, AND hot? Compare the original cast vs the cast now...don't tell me they didn't have buff hot chicks in the 80s!


Like really? that's the hottest you could find?! Forget the hair, getting past the trendiness of their appearance, these chicks were fug!

Now that being said, I have the reverse attitude about newscasters. I don't want people that happen to be pretty who learned world news. I want people who were passionate about journalism, didn't have time to date around in highschool and didn't care about their looks to tell me the news. Heck, i don't even trust pretty weather girls. News seems more credible when the person reading the teleprompter is unattractive.

Does this rule apply to sportscasters? That's a tough call. Probably because I don't watch sports. I would watch hockey, but living in SoCal, I'm stuck watching the f*cking Ducks and they can suck it for all I care. GO SENS!! It came to my attention a few weeks ago that Dana Jacobsen from ESPN has super big arms.

Which you'd think, what's the big deal? Well apparently to men watching her on ESPN, this is a big deal. Like really big. I don't think guys have the same feeling as I have for the level of credibility of my news/information versus the attractiveness of the person delivering the info. It seems that she is so crazy big, they are incapable of focusing on whatever sports-related information she has to deliver. But would a thin, big-boobed chick be any less distracting than her alleged upper arm area?

So to see if maybe the guys I received this information were just a little harsh, I did some web searches. And this is what came up on the web (all typos are theirs, not mine)...

The Good:
- On top of all that she is an incredibly gorgeous and sexy woman
- Besides all that,she's beautiful......I think i'm in love
- Dana Jacobson is gorgeous woman. She has an amazing body that she hides well.Beneath all that clothing i know there is a very hott body! Besides that shes into sports as well.
- Even though Dana might be a tad bit on the thick side, I think it kind of makes the attraction to her a little stronger. She's absolutely gorgeous and has an amazing body with great curves. I know I'm not the only one that would rather see her wearing something other than suits most of the time.

The Bad:
- i love her big hands and i'm sure that she has beautiful big feet as well.
- I tolerated her because she had the "big sister" thing going and because I thought she was brave to go on TV looking like she does (bad hair, wardrobe and figure).
- It must be her knowledge of sports cause shes no Kim Kardashian. Shes bigger than most of the male co-host.
- I find it hard to believe so many people would give her a review for being pretty? I mean come on, seriously. She must have family and friends on here giving her those because she is one big hefer.
- If you're going to hire somebody who doesn't have a clue, at least make sure she is attractive
- Dana is a joke...She will be fired soon enough. And she isn't sexy.....Scarlett Johanson is sexy......Dana Jacobson...not so much

The Ugly:
- Some reviews called her Sexy? Sexy? By the looks of that bod, she needs to put down the chocalate bar and actually participate in a sport rather than masquerading as someone credible.
- She needs to be FIRED!! Not to mention she is HUGE!!
- She is fat and unattractive, only knows michigan football.
- moooooooooooooooo....what a cow

I feel like I gotta defend this poor girl...I mean, seriously, she's not THAT bad on the eyes. And I'm very, very protective of not only my eyes, but the images that come through my tv screen. It needs to be decided...do Sportscasters need to be attractive like entertainment show hosts (Maria Menounos level), or do we want them to be unattractive in order to gain credibility?

Weekend randomness and Oprah's Sensual Years

Scenes from a mall...

Seen on Sunday: Sean Hayes (Jack from Will & Grace and Victor Garber (the dude from Titanic who was also in Legally Blond). Sort of an odd couple:



Shopping together at American Eagle. Or J Crew. Crap I don't remember which one. I know for sure I wasn't in Abercrombie. I think they were debating on a top for Sean Hayes to buy. Or they were having a passionate discussion while leaning over folded polo shirts. Either way, I've never seen any dude(s) so passionate while trying on a shirt. Maybe they were discussing politics. Or they were discussing whether Sean should get the yellow one. It was just bizarre. Plus Victor Garber is surprisingly much smaller than I would have thought, i think neither of them could have had more than 20lbs on me.

Other random thoughts:

- I'm very pro-plastic surgery (if you can afford it), but the thought of a dude getting triceps implants freaks me out. Gives me the same skin crawling feeling that i get when I think of spiders.
a girl can never make too many wardrobe changes. Men however should just stick with one thing a day. Especially if i'm the one who's doing the laundry.

- I am a horrible driver when i'm nervous. Some people can focus. I however, can not. You know who makes me nervous? The Garmin GPS lady. She reminds me of a mean schoolteacher. Repeating over and over that in “point two miles, exit ramp”. Yes ma'am!

- it's amazing how one weekend of not sleeping in your own bed can make your body feel like someone took a baseball bat to it....I woke up today seriously feeling like I'd been mauled all weekend. Maybe I need to pull a Carrie and bring my pillow around with me, that Guess pillow was $16, I bought it at Sears when i was in college, and it's the best pillow EVER.

- what is the appropriate ratio for a chick's arms? In particular, a sportscaster on ESPN? More importantly, if the camera adds X pounds, can it add it onto just one area?

Yesterday I caught a bit of Oprah, and it was all about sex. Or specifically, Sex In Your Sensual Years. Which I think is just Oprah's way of saying, sex when you're old. They yammered onto about how sex when you're older is better than sex in your 20s.

This would have be a hard sell for me, because when I was 20 I was fully AWARE that not only was I twenty, I also fully remember thinking that my metabolism was going to start going downhill so enjoy poutine and calzones as much as possible. Now i should hope that I'm not in my “sensual years” (otherwise i'll be forced to stab myself), but i'm definitely more self conscious about my body than I was in my early 20s, even though I'm the same weight as I was back then. If I continue on this path, I'll be wearing mumus by the time i'm 40. (Oh geezus, are my 40s my “sensual years”? Note to self: shoot self upon 40th birthday. Alternatively, bitch-slap self on 40th birthday). Gone are the years of the uber short skirts and tummy-bearing tops. Oh granted tummy-bearing tops haven't been in style for ages (Are you listening Mariah Carey?!), but you get the point, I would never even CONSIDER wearing that now even if it was in style.

Did everyone get the “oh you'll have better self esteem and self image as you get older” gene except me? Before my goal was to just get a tummy tuck after having kids...now my laundry list of things that I want done in the next 15 years will require taking out a 3rd mortgage. Hmmm, I guess I justify it that the available procedures back when I had my original 1-item wish list was much smaller than all the crazy things you can do now. Watch out Cat-Lady, i'll be giving you a run for your money. Meow.


Ewwwww, I suddenly thought of Oprah thinking about her “sensual years” and getting it on with Stedman. AND Gayle. At the same time. With lots of lube.

Oh the humanity.

Update to the bus guy

Props to Tim for finding this:
Greyhound Guy's Facebook Page

He looks like a total skid...people like that always get their heads lopped off on buses! He had it coming!

And why can't I stop laughing at this whole story?! Makes me miss Canada even more.

That's some f*cked up ishh right there

Wow. Wow wow. And this happened in the same city/province where i was born.
Sleeping man beheaded on Greyhound bus

WINNIPEG, Manitoba - A passenger sleeping on a Greyhound bus was killed and decapitated by his seatmate on Wednesday night as the vehicle rolled across the Canadian prairies, witnesses said.

What's more effed up: that some dude lost his head on a bus, or that I laughed my ass off reading this?

Can't wait movie omg omg

Seth Green. Amish. What more do you need in life. Very rarely does a preview make me giggle as much as this one did:

Absolutely stunning

My life is incomplete without this skirt in my closet:


It's a promo pic for Macy's anniversary. If i get hit by a bus tomorrow, please sell my entire closet, shoes, purses, accessories, car and buy that skirt to bury me in it.

Comic Con recap coming soon

Until then, this cracked me up (found on the Oh No They Didn't celeb gossip site):

Simpsons Rock

After a billion years, The Simpsons still got it...
I can't stop laughing:

So, so stoked!

For 10 years, I've been wanting this hat from a guy I went to University with. I knew it was from surf shop, and I always thought he got it from San Diego.

Every time I go to Comic Con or wherever, I always try to go into surf shops to see if I can find the hat. I didn't know the name or anything, I just knew I'd recognize the logo when I saw it.

Seriously, it was an awesome effing hat.

Anyway, I finally thought to just ASK Eric where he got it from, and he's like "the Ron Jon hat?"...YES YES! And best of all, there's a Ron Jon Surf Shop right in Orange! Swwwwwwwwwwwweeeeet!

This is the hat I want (in cream, not navy):


Hmm maybe I'll just get Kraig to get it for me for my birthday and be done with it.

Let me backtrack a bit here...baseball hats are REALLY hard for me to find. The best one I have is my highschool one, which I adore but you know, it's been years since highschool and I rarely wear it because I don't want to wear it out. It's got a snap button strap on the back, which is perfect: I can put a ponytail through it, but it's already perfectly adjusted for my head.

I can't find anything like it anymore. Either you get hats that are fully covered in the back (not ideal for chicks with ponytails), or they velcro straps or something retarded like that...i don't want to keep adjusting. And they never fit right. Or they're those plastic snap doodads, which also are kinda weird.

The Ron Jon one i think is the plastic snap doodad kind, but considering how effing awesome that had is...I'll make an exception. Maybe I should just order it online, considering the $7 shipping is probably the same cost of gas for me anyway.

Today is a good day.

No, i am NOT a nerd

Unlike some people (who aren't nameless, just ask me and i'll tell you her name), I don't "brag" about being a nerd. I have the right to be called a nerd (did you program your Vic20 when you were 6 years old? Do you know the 3 Laws of Robotics? Did you spend your Saturday nights watching the old skool Dr. Who? Do you think the TI-85 is the best calculator ever? Exactly.), I just don't think that's a noble thing to call yourself. I'm almost 31, but I'd still like to avoid being beat up.

That being said...sigh...I'm willing to admit that on Saturday morning I will be up EARLY to get in line for this:
12:45-1:45 Exclusive Q&A with the writers of The Office— Meet the writers of the EmmyAward–winning comedy The Office and hear them talk about their favorite episodes, characters, and fun behind-the-scenes stories. Moderated by cast member Rainn Wilson (Dwight Schrute), panelists include executive producer/showrunner Greg Daniels (The Simpsons) and writers Jennifer Celotta (Andy Richter Controls the Universe), Michael Schur (Saturday Night Live), B.J. Novak, Lester Lewis (The Larry Sanders Show), Gene Stupnitsky (Year One), Lee Eisenberg (Year One), Mindy Kaling (Matt and Ben), Justin Spitzer (Scrubs), Ryan Koh (various commercials), and Anthony Ferrell (The Audacity)

That's not overly nerdy...it's just at the ultimate uber nerd-fest ever. Don't blame me for the location.

Rumor has it that it's actually very easy, with Professional badges, to just go in through the back. Kraig doesn't think so, but maybe this is the year I actually hootch myself up and give it a whirl. Who am I kidding...you either gotta be a Playboy bunny (which there are plenty of at comic con) OR a relatively thin chick with a super expensive costume to pull off the hootch factor. Maybe I can get Kraig to just stand in line while I attempt to use my shmooze skillz to get in the back.

Rainn Wilson and BJ Novak are no Steve Carrell, but I'll lick their feet anyway. I LOVE THE OFFICE!!!

Letter to the editor

Re: that Gigi sex toy
Well the reason it is marketed to women is because it helps with the fact you can use it together if you want.

It takes care of the um BJ situation. If after you get married you don't want to do them as much....maybe
hehehhe.
You don't have to um swallow or have too much in your mouth....
ok now that I've said too much on Sabina's Blog.

I don't know what i laughed more at, this comment or the picture I posted from Creepshow 2 (seriously, seriously, that pic kicks ass).

All I can say regarding whether you enjoy giving BJs after marriage is...

Way back in highschool a friend who shall remain nameless told me that she just decided that she's no longer giving them. Oh wait, maybe that was hand jobs. It was some "job". Anyway, I remember her telling me and I was like, "wait, what? That's an option? We don't HAVE to do __ jobs? Why did no one tell me?! Was I taken off the memo?!".

Hmmm well somehow she stopped doing whatever that "job" was, but my attitude is well...how can I word this...finding a substitute isn't going to get me out of my job lol. Whether it's my employment or my bedroom!

TEE
EMMM
EYE

Movie review: Batman The Dark Knight (no spoilers)

Since this is a big ticket movie, I won't put any spoilers here.

Last night I went to the ghetto Kaleidoscope to see the latest Batman flick, which amazingly wasn't packed at all. I actually was first in line in that little lineup thing they make you stand in before entering the theater so I was stoked. Until I realized that there was only like 30 people in there, which deprived me of my power trip.

I was spoiled by Sex And The City, the previews were max 1 minute. They jumped straight to the movie. This damn movie had at least 9 minutes of previews, which really just irritated the crap out of me.

The movie was also incredibly long, and being of the MTV generation after awhile my enjoyment factor goes downhill. I can't stand anything for 3 hours. I have a jacked up knee and I was attempting to stretch my leg out without much luck. After 3 hours, I start to feel like the directors and moviemakers are just plain arrogant to think that their movie is so damn good they don't need to edit it down because I'm going to be so in love with their work, i WANT to suffer for another half hour.

Those editors have an easy job. They don't have to cut anything out.

Heath Ledger kicked ass, he really did a brilliant job. I had to remind myself this is the likable anti-hero of Ten Things I Hate About You. Kraig made a comment about what they should have done to his character at the end of the movie, but I pointed out that given that he's DEAD and all, they probably had to factor in what would be appropriate at the end (sad, but true).

I was trying to think of why they would cast Maggie Gyllenhaal to replace Katie Holmes. She's quirky but NOT attractive, and at one point The Joker calls her "beautiful". Umm no, no she's not. But then again, The Joker is crazy so maybe that's a diss. Then I remembered that Heath did Brokeback with Jake Gyllenhaal, and maybe that's how Maggie got her "in" to this movie. I suppose when you have to simulate gay sex with a dude, you either have to buy him dinner or cast his sister in your next movie.

(shrug) Without giving away any plotlines, I'll say it's a pretty good movie. I preferred the first one, but this one is entertaining in its own right. I'd give the special effects/CG guys props, as well as the makeup artists (seriously, the last 1/3rd of the movie...you'll understand what i mean re: makeup artists). Hell, let's give the gaffer some mad love too for his efforts in making things seem...um like nighttime.

This was a very cryptic movie review. Suck it.

Friday, pics, and how to not be classy

I was going to make a post about a girl I know who has zero class, which thus would have prompted the list of How to be UnClassy.

Thanks to you mofos there on Friday night, I was able to live the tale myself.

Class is very, very important. You can't buy class. You can be super poor and be much more classy than someone with ten times your wealth.

How NOT to be classy, as seen by cough cough me cough on Friday night:

1. Don't eat anything all day except 1/2 a doughnut and a leftover salad before going drinking.
2. Accept every shot of patron offered your way.
3. Make your poor friend drive your drunk ass home.
4. Hug everyone around you. Even if you don't know them. Hugs for all!
5. Start telling people about dreams you had about them that you vowed to NEVER reveal.
6. Argue over who's got a bigger gut by showing your gut to them.
7. When your husband tries to take care of you, yell at him to stop touching you but thatyou want your jeans taken off. (I woke up at 4am, got up to get something to eat 'cause i was starving, and iw as like, "where the f*ck are my pants?!")
8. When your husband gives you a bowl "just in case", and then later tries to take it away, yell at him "It's my bucket! MY BUCKET!" and don't let him have it.

Ugh, my apologies if I offended anyone, I haven't gotten that much of a horrible drunk since Stacey's wedding 5 years ago. I'm much too old to pull drunken antics!

Pics here. At least I hand washed and waxed my SUV myself the next day while hungover to suffer for my sins! But damn i had a fun time!