Of bunnies and viagra

I dig "The Girls Next Door". Not just becuase it's another cheesy CelebReality show, but because I actually find Hef and the history of Playboy to be quite fascinating. I like learning about how "firsts" of any industry are created. I mean, you gotta have ALOT of balls to say "Listen, let's be real. Dudes like naked women. Dudes like photos of naked women. So...how can I make money off of this?"

I also think his main GF Holly Madison is the most gorgeous female on the planet, second only to Aishwarya Rai.

So when I came across this summary of a book written by an ex-Playmate, I had to paste it here...and I'm definitely gonna read the book. This bellearama Liverjournal chick can't spell worth crap, but it's a fabulous summary:

Inside the PlayBoy Mansion
Whelp, I read a book about “behind the scenes at the Playboy mansion”, which was written by one of his ex girlfriends, Izabella St. James, who was one of the seven girlfriends. She was there when Holly & Bridget came, and describes how it downsized to three, includes the incentives Hef gives the girls, the duties of the girls and sex with Hef. I wrote a pretty detailed summary behind the cut & separated it into categories, ENJOY!


Incentives of being a Girlfriend
When an event such as the Grammy’s is coming up, Hef will give them $2000 for an outfit, hair and whatever else. Later, the amount went down to $1000 and for some girls, none.
Every Friday morning the girls get $1000 for the week. You have about an hour to get this money, and if you’re out of town or sleep in too late, you won’t get your money for the week & no, you can’t ask for an advance if you know you won’t be at the mansion that day, no excuse – including family emergency. You need to go to Hef’s room between about 8-9 in the morning, and ask for your money. This is usually the time that Hef will tell you what you can do better or change.
For your birthday, girls usually ask for plastic surgery because Hef never hesitates to say yes. Girls usually ask for the thing they want the most first, incase they’re not around for a second birthday. Breasts & nose jobs are the most common thing, then theirs things like liposuction and veneers.
Hef use to buy the girls brand new cars, however that got dramatic. One girlfriend got an Escalade and then drove it down to her other BF’s house in the middle of the night, trying not to get caught, but she did, so Hef stopped buying the girls cars flat out and brand new. Now, he’ll buy them used cars with the agreement that when they leave the mansion, they take over payments for the car & insurance.
Hef is also very generous with animals; he will let the girls buy whatever pets they want and he’ll pay them back for it.
If you want to go out of town, you have to ask for permission and he doesn't always grant it. Family emergencies don't really matter to him either, but if you cry you will most likely get your way.

Duties of a Girlfriend
Sex is not one of them; Hef tells the girls that if they don’t want to have sex or “join in” on the fun, they don’t have too. But he encourages them to be in the bedroom when the sexing is going on.
The girls must attend events with Hef, Movie night, Fun in the Sun Sundays, Parties at the mansion (they can each invite 5 people), Club nights (2-3 a week) & misc. other things. This gives the girls the day to them selves, but their nights are filled by Hef, pretty much.

Behind Being a Girlfriend
The girlfriends have a curfew of 9pm, no exceptions. The girls have to be in, every night, by 9pm. Many of the girlfriends also have boyfriends on the side (Bridget is said to have a husband) that Hef knows about, but doesn’t allow them to see or talk to, it’s not talked about much. Most of the GF's also have apartments somewhere else that they go to during the day. One ex-GF had a daughter that Hef would allow to spend one night at her apt with her daughter a week, but she also had a husband at her apartment.

Sexxx with Hef
Sex is usually on Club nights; the girls and Hef go out to clubs, they scout other girls or invite other girls to go with them. When they leave the club, they’re all pretty drunk. In the limo, the main girlfriend would give Hef head while other girls kiss on him or each other. By the time they get to the house, everyone is rearing and ready to go. All the girls plus the girls they scouted at the club, would return to Hef's room where he would pop some Viagra’s and rubs himself down in baby oil. There’s usually toys laid out that the main GF laid out before they left, or they can go to the bookshelf that all the toy are kept on, which is in the room. The main GF usually gives him head until he gets hard, and other girls will ride him – no condoms, nada. A lot of girls get yeast infections from having sex with Hef because of the baby oil he rubs himself with. He never tells girls to fuck him nor do they have too; some of his GF’s never fucked him. He lets the girls fool around with each other instead, or they can just watch. He encourages girls to be naked but a lot of the girls will instead claim they’re on their period and keep their panties on. So anyhow, after the main GF girls Hef head to get him rock hard, and chicks fuck him, the main GF sucks him some more (after random girls sexed him up without condoms) to get him hard and then Hef gets up and fucks her, and she fucks him. This is the only girl he moves for or puts effort in for.

Letter of Troof: Bridget
The writer of this book really didn’t like Bridget & she admitted that. Bridget is rumored to be married to some guy in Lodi, California. She grew up in a trailer and has always wanted to become a centerfold. Bridget cries all the time because this is the way to get to Hef – crying. He can’t take crying. Bridget would start crying and say someone was being mean to her, and that GF would get in trouble while Bridget would then do a 180 and be happy and all smiles again.

Letter of Troof: Holly
When Holly arrived at the mansion, she moved into the room closest to Hef and made no friends with the girls, she only cared for Hef. At the time, Hef had another main GF. When that main GF peaced out, Holly moved into Hef’s room – not because he asked her, but because no one else cared to be his main bitch. A lot of girls didn’t feel Hef was ready to have a new main GF so soon, and they felt Hef felt the same way but Hef didn’t want to be mean to Holly. The day Holly became main GF, it was war. Holly would bad mouth all the girls to Hef or say how the girls didn’t need the $2000 for outfits for events, therefore reducing the amount to $1000 without telling them first, some girls also would get no money if Holly could convince Hef that they were ungrateful. Holly also hated club nights; the nights use to be 2-3 times a week, now it’s 2-3 times a month. Holly also started turning into Hef in a way; she studied him very thoroughly even before she entered the mansion, one of her ex-BF’s said. She chose psychology major like Hef, she took cartooning classes to learn to draw and learned about old movies that Hef enjoyed – she seemed to want to become Hef. She also tries to have them match; if she wears a red dress, he wears a red tie. She also refuses to sit next to any of the girls; she must be alone on one side of Hef while the other two are on the other side – Bridget then Kendra (Holly and Bridget are close). Holly was an outcast in the house until Bridget came in, then she took Bridget under her wing. Holly also learned what it was that Hef adored about ex girlfriends and applied them to herself – she got her nose done like one of his ex-GF’s (Barbi Benton), dyed and cut her hair in a Marilyn Monroe way & wore 40’s era clothes everywhere until Hef asked her what is she doing? Holly is the ring leader, and wants to marry and have kids with Hef however Hef has said he wants neither of those. She also made up the names, puffin and muffin for them, to show everyone how “perfect” they are or whatever. She also hates it when ex-GF's visit the mansion & hates the decoration of Barbi Benton he has at the mansion -- she was the girl who found the Mansion he purchased that became the Playboy Mansion & the nose hers is modeled after.

Hef’s family
His wife & son live next door to the Playboy mansion, so he can see them as often as possible. However, he on average sees his son about once a week.

Tidbits
It seemed to the author that the girls who were his GF’s had something to make him look good. The author was an excellent student and a lawyer, so she was “the smart” one and now Kendra is the sporty one. When Hef goes out, ANYWHERE, he has his kitchen send lamb chops ahead and a detailed explanation on how to prepare them. He never orders off a menu or anything; he always sends food from the mansion over.

From Seven, to Three
When Holly and Bridget joined the group, it became 7. & their usually was a division of 3 vs. 4. the 3 consisted of Holly, Bridget and someone else (forgot) who were the “innocent good girls” while the other four where cast as “misbehaving bad girls” who were more outspoken and didn’t care to be on Hef’s dick all day long unlike the other three. Eventually, the drama between the two groups defending themselves to Hef was too much for Hef. One night, Bridget claimed one of the girls were mean to her at the club and began crying. Hef was so upset he yelled at the other girl who then yelled back, in the middle of a club, and he then broke up with her. Holly always had to be on one side of Hef, and Bridget on the other. If another girl took Bridget’s spot next to Hef, she would cry & if it happened to Holly, the event or whatever they are at would end. Example; if it happened at the Grammy’s they’d turn around and go home. Anyways, Holly eventually doesn’t want any other girl besides her, for Hef. So the drama in the group of seven got winded down to 2, and then Kendra was added to make 3. Another incident was when the author was getting a new car; she wanted a used escalade, but Holly said no because that’s the car she wants, so she had to settle on a Tahoe. When Holly got her car, it turned out to be a Porche Cheyanne – she only claimed to want the escalade to upset the other girl.

The Mansion
A lot of the girlfriends in the past became intimate with the help, such as the butlers and shit and would get caught and eventually the butler would get fired and the girl would get thrown out. Thus, a new rule was installed that the girlfriends are not allowed to go into the butler’s quarters. The dogs enjoy relieving themselves on the curtains or the carpet. Usually Holly’s dogs go during the night so Hef usually cleans it up from throughout the bedroom when he wakes up. When the author moved in, the carpets and curtains were filthy because the dogs poop and pee everywhere, but before the taping of The Girls Net door, Hef got the hallway floors replaced & curtains. Some of the bedrooms for the girls were originally made for two girls so when there were seven girls, some girls shared rooms. The closest your room was to Hef, the more serious you were about Hef.

Why Girlfriends Can't be Playmates
In the past, when a girlfriend becomes a Playmate, she breaks up with Hef and peaces out. Which means that most the girls never cared for Hef and just wanted to become Playmates. So now, if you're a GF, you ain't a Playmate

I Just Remembered This Crap
For Christmas, Hef would give the girl $500 to spend on each girl and him. Some girls would make agreements to only spend $100 on eachother and save the other $400. Holly found out and snitched, so the girls had to start providing reciepts to get reimbursed. Also, Hef doesn't pick out gifts, Holly or the main GF does. Usually stuff on clearance at the PlayBoy store or random things like soap, ceramic ducks and frogs, a custom tissue box cover or something. Hef gets them a necklace the first Christmas, after that he has no participation in the gift department.
Bridget has had her eyes done, several times, to help her look younger.


Source: me & the book BunnyTales

Just effing brilliant. Great tabloid fodder!

Conspiracy theories...

I LOVE IT...as was discussed tonight, the true culprit behind Anna Nicole Smith's death was NASA....the whole bad press with the astronaut caused them to take drastic measures.

And as a friend in Toronto suggested: Daniel is Dannielynn's baby daddy.

Somewhere in there I think NASA paid Brit Brit to shave her head...there's no other logical reason for it.

In other high profile news, Marmalade's latest medical results are showing that her bladder infection is gone for now but instead of having the usual crystals that most animals get, she's got some calcium oxylate (which results when you acidify the urine TOO much), so she's on a different diet now...poor Stash, he gets all the leftover food that Marmalade can no longer have...right now he's eating her old low-carb food, and soon he's going to be eating her Urinary S/O food....poor guy!

I'm so whipped by my cats, it's insane.

Yeah, I want Cheesey Poofs!

No, I have not watched Desperate Housewives so don't ask me anything about it...I'm 3 episodes behind. I'm 1 episode behind in Real World, The Hills, and The OC...and I"m 2 episodes behind in I Love New York. I also haven't watched a single episode of the Sarah Silverman Program but I've recorded all of them.

It was great seeing Marlene, Steve, and Laura this weekend...geezus I keep forgetting how flippin' gorgeous Laura's engagement ring is. The band alternates diamonds and sapphires...absolutely stunning.

In other news, poor Eleanor is already scratched. Grumble. It's just the tire cover but that sucker isn't cheap to replace or re-paint...from the looks of it, i'ts like some big truck scraped by me. I get really annoyed with the parking lots in Orange County...it's like the government expects people to drive environmentally-friendly Prius cars when they know full well everyone drives SUVs or big trucks on massive wheels...Seriously annoyed with my car, now it looks "not new"...my baby!

That being said, our neighbor is paying us $600 for the damage done to Kraig's car (the deductible plus costs for the rental). He claims he doesnt' remember hitting the car but our other neighbor saw him do it and they told him to say something, so he was pretty much like "FINE but i still don't think i did it"...whatever. I'm just happy to get our cash back.

Last night I went to my first hockey game in years. I went to one when I was in San Jose, but previous to that they were all Sens games in Ottawa. I forgot how much fun they are! Frickin' beats watching football any day. What's funny is that now they hire teenage girls in skimpy outfits to clear the ice (unless Anaheim was always like that but i'm guessing that's new from the past 10 years)...i guess you have to get fans' attentions in any way you can.

It also made me really miss skating. Which is bizarre, because even though I took lessons as a kid, I can't skate to save my soul. Well, i can skate...i just can't STOP. But i kinda miss getting all bundled up and heading over to the rink that's behind my parents' house. Yeah i say that now but i'm sure if i actually had to do it I'd be like "wtf...it's COLD...can't they make ice when it's warm outside?"....

(Well they do at the Spectrum but the ice is half melted and it's like $20 an hour so eff that).

I gotta do a movie review on LIttle Miss Sunshine I believe. I'll get around to it when I stop being lazy.

No time to blog....

Real quick thoughts:

1. Holy CRAPPPPP Brit Brit shaved her head. Girl is NUTS. I'm guessing she was sick of all the ANS new out there that was taking away her publicity. She's insane. Seriously. Insane.

2. I've decided to publish my own Ghoul Pool for 2007, even though i'm already 1.5 months down. So far the list is gonna include Britney, Elizabeth Taylor, Queen Elizabeth, and a few others...

3. My "goal" for this month was all that ebaying, but since there's only so much I can do (and i can't photograph stuff after work when it's dark), that might become a 2-3 month project.

4. I still can't get over how Britney just shaved her head like that. ANS' death didn't shock me. THIS frickin' shocks me.

5. Posh Spice (Victoria Beckham) was at Disneyland this week. I wonder if she was there when Marlene was there.

6. Kraig got me tix to see Wicked at Pantages theater on May 22 as a Vday/anniversary gift.

7. Okay gotta go shower and stuff. Maybe next month's goal will be to blog more, geezus I used to do it daily. I think my brain has just shut down for awhile or something.

You can thank me later....

In case you need a reason to salivate, look no further.
Hold a towel under your chin to catch the drool

Movie Review: "Because I said so"

Because I said so YAHOO MOVIE PAGE

Let me preface this by saying: I'm okay with contrived movies as long as it's not hiding behind being contrived and still has great moments in it. Like The Wedding Singer. Boy meets girl. Girl is engaged to prick. Girl falls for Boy. When Girl goes to get Boy, she thinks he's not available. When Boy goes to find Girl, he finds out she's off to get married. Hilarity ensues and good times were had by all.

Sadly, this movie is not like that. AT ALL.

Diane Keaton is a meddlesome mother who wants to find a nice guy for her quirky-yet-adorably-cute-yet-sooo-annoying-and-clumsy daughter Mandy Moore. Now right there this movie would be believable if the daughter couldn't stand being around her mother. But Mandy Moore and her 2 sisters are so close with their mom they actually pick up the phone when they're having sex with dudes and what not. WTF.

Are you having sex right now missy? Oh okay. Just don't do that dorky laugh. You know the one.


There's a scene where Diane Keaton and Mandy Moore share a touching moment where Mom tells Daughter that she's never had an orgasm because their prick of a father didn't have time to uhhh look out for her needs. And Mandy feels sooo sad for her mom and suddenly has a moment of realization that she understands where her mom is coming from.

Time for some bonding. Daughter, tell your MOmmy what an orgasm feels like.


Uhh...no. I don't know about any of you, but i really don't CARE if my mom ever had an orgasm. In fact, I think we'd all like to believe that our moms followed through with Immaculate Conception. The #1 way to survive in life is to develop the attitude that parents NEVER have sex. EVERRRRR.

And then there's the guys in the movie. The struggling single father guitar guy vs. the successful but boring architect. We're supposed to all love the single father, right? Ummm...no. I'd be like "WTF you have a kid?! Why didn't you tell me? And where's the baby mama? And I can't sleep with you when your kid and your DAD all live under the same roof, that's just creepy"...whereas we're supposed to think the Architect is a jerk because he flipped on Mandy Moore for breaking his grandmother's antique candleholder...effing right, i'd be pissed too. And he apologized later and gave her another family antique. HELL YEAH.


Somewhere in the middle of the movie for no apparent reason there's a music montage of Mandy Moore and Diane Keaton rearranging furniture. That's the biggest waste of 6 minutes that I'll never get back (along with the rest of the movie). What was the point of that? To show how scatterbrained they are? Trust me, you drilled that into the audience every SECOND.

There's another scene where Diane Keaton is stalking her daughter on a date in her car and she uses her car's navigation system...now this actress was great when she freaked out in First Wives Club. Not so great in this movie. She just yells and rants at the GPS and starts kicking the GPS while driving. WHO DOES THAT?! It was just irritating, if you're too stupid by now to figure out how your GPS works, don't use it.

Oh, plus her computer froze up when she accidentally landed on a porn site. Let's go through the flaws with this...odds are, if you're computer's freezing up, you're not going to still get streaming video coming in perfectly. Secondly, she runs to the phone to call Gateway's tech support (nice plug for them) instead of...just turning off the computer? Unplugging it? Thirdly, she got on the phone with the help IMMEDIATELY. (once again, nice plug). What, no automated machine system? No waiting on hold for half an hour? She called and within seconds got someone?! I can't even get that when I call for pizza.

I know it seems like i'm nitpicking at little details, but it's these inconsistencies and randomness and unbelievable moments that made this movie brutal. Who discusses with their mom and sisters, in a shoe store, who holds the record for the most orgasms during a given night of sex?!

Needless to say, this movie could have been really cute and funny. It turned out to be boring, unfunny, and a complete waste of time. Dont even bother renting it. And if someone gives it to you on DVD as a gift, assume they're just regifting it.

Another fabulous movie moment: the girls all singing together at the end when they're all so very, very happy. Happy enough to sing. Which is clearly them lip syncing. I'm guessing Mandy Moore is the only one who's lip syncing to the sound of her own voice.

Letter to the editor

Sabina, there's this great beverage called coffee, it's hot but usually the maker of coffee puts on the cup, "Caution Content Hot." but it's ok, put a little milk some sweetener or sugar, stir and consume. :)

Ugh, coffee is NASTYYYY. I can't stand it. Unless it's in tiramisu. Otherwise, I really don't like the stuff.

As for hockey...i don't even know when ottawa is playing, it's actual WORK for me to find out anything about hockey. grumble.

"Like my booodddyyyyy???"

I guess I should comment on the Anna Nicole Smith thing, even though there's nothing I can say that hasn't already been said SOMEWHERE in the press.

In fact, people were shocked that I didn't email them like crazy when the news came out. Well firstly, I received like 20 emails so I assumed everyone else did as well. Secondly...I'm sort of letting the initial shock wear off before coming to some sort of opinion.

Well, that's sorta not true. I wasn't really shocked per se. She was a train wreck. It's amazing it didn't happen earlier. I guess I'm more amazed how in the past year so much has happened so fast, and it went big time downhill.

Now let's get to the nitty gritty: why what who how huh?!

I really don't know if anyone who didn't see her reality show is allowed to cast an opinion on Howard and their relationship, 'cause that dude seriously put up with ALOT of crap. I mean, ALOT. In fact, I"m not even 100% sure why he stuck around. His personality was so dry, and imagine if you graduated from Berkeley with a law degree and your claim to fame was telling Bobby Trendy his decor is cheap and having pasta eating championships with Anna Nicole.

So...do I think he poisoned her? No. Why would he do it so soon? Because of the baby daddy situation? Let's say it turned out the other dude was the dad...Howard was allegedly set to marry Anna Nicole legitimately later this month, so he would have been living in the lap of luxury anyway (well, assuming she got to keep the old dude's dough). Plus, seriously, it wouldn't take rocket science to have people think that he did it, especially since the prescriptions were under his name.

If anything, I think her lesbian assistant did it, but we haven't heard anything about her since the reality show ended so who knows. That chick was jonesin' baaaad for Anna Nicole, and maybe she was pissed that she couldn't have her? "If i can't have her, no one can!"...but that's a stretch and that assistant was dumb as a doornail (she got anna nicole tattooed on her...hey, i like my boss, but there's no WAY i'm tattooing her on my body!)...

As much as people want to make it out to be, I basically think that Anna's been self-medicating for years, and the combination just took it's toll...especially if she upped her meds as a result of post partum depression along with the pain of losing Daniel. It's pretty sad and lacking in scandal, but I think that's just all there is to it. Her body and brain just completely shut down as a result of her lifestyle.

Kickass site

I can't stop surfing through this site for art...i want something to put in the newly-done bathroom above the towel bar...blah. Haven't had a single interesting thought otherwise worth noting in the blog. Unless you want me to gripe about caffeine withdrawals (not pretty. In 3 work days I consumed one of those fridge packs only during work hours ...that doesn't even round out the stuff I drank at home).

In other news, I finally heard from my friend Natalie (she and I were pretty much the only two chicks in our university's Computer Science program), she was MIA for awhile...I haven't seen her since her wedding and before that was YEARS ago...she and her Finnish husband bought a duplex in Montreal...anyway she mentioned that she went to Berlin for World Cup Soccer last year...it just cracks me up. She lives in Europe for a few years and gets hooked onsoccer, I move to the US and I'm stuck dealing with football...I'm actually going to my first hockey game (LA vs. Anaheim) in 2 weeks which is so odd...I went to a Sharks game once in San Jose...but other than that, I've been hockey-deprived for 7 years. And to be honest, I don't think I even remember all the rules and terms. Okay maybe "icing". That's it. I'm a disgrace to my country of origin.

Time to take a power nap and then get my ass to the gym...if Carrie can train for a frickin' marathon, I can start going to the gym again. WTF.

Oh real quick: Kinda disappointed that the flying Patrelli brother is Claire's father on Heroes...I assumed it was him but figured that was too obvious (the man's a whore, of course he's got offspring all across the globe)...and I don't think Claire's adopted dad ("Mr. Bennet") is Linderman because Linderman lives in Las Vegas where Bennet lives in Texas.

Officer, is it illegal for Jewish people to eat Christmas snow?

Yes, yes, I've been horribly backlogged on the reviews and griping. I hear ya.

What About Brian
Mondays are a hard day for me with TV 'cause it's all about Heroes, and after that I have no desire to watch anything else...so I've finally caught up on like 4 weeks' worth of this show.

I swear, it's so effing brilliant it blows my mind. I never thought that Marjorie would be jonesin' for Adam. And i actually didn't think he would break up with Heather the Stripper Wife. The issue of Baby Carrie being deaf? Sooooo sad and pulls at your heartstrings...i was almost bawling along with teh characters.

Bold and the Beautiful
I'm not going to recap anything but wtf, Lorenzo Lamas (sp) as Hector for a potential Daytime Emmy nomination?! The dude can't act his way out of a paper bag! How hard is it to play a blind person? For Lorenzo, very.

Heroes

So here's my big question that no one seems to be able to answer. When we last left off, Hiro realized that Linderman had the real sword. He goes to Heroin Artsy Guy's place per the comic book. He sees that Politican Guy Who Can Fly, they talk about Linderman.

Then this episode suddenly we see Hiro int he parking lot with his buddy and people chasing after him. WTF?!

I like how Claire's biological mother is played by the Sex Addict With AIDS from Nip/Tuck.

The Office

How brilliant was this past week's episode? "I want your man meat Michael!" or
Stripper: "I would get so fat if I worked here" (eating candy)
Pam: "really? I lose my appetite"

It's very clear that Dwight has grown on all of us. If he ended up staying at Staples, I would have rather seen THAT show.

Desperate Housewives
Okay i gotta be honest, I haven't watched Sunday's episode. Susan is really getting on my nerves and Bree is starting to act a little too nutty. And i can't figure out how Gabby can survive without employement.

Viactive Multi-Vitamin Flavor Glides
I absolutely detest taking vitamins. I used to take the Flintstones ones when i was a kid and I take the chocolate calcium chews and that's pretty much my 30 year vitamin history. Okay no wait, I was also on prescription strength iron pills back in University.

So i tried these Flavor Glides...this stuff ain't cheap (almost $8 for 50 from Target), but it's got the works (including iron and calcium)...it's effing FABULOUS. They're huge but they're coated and they taste like berries so you don't get that bizarre nasty aftertaste. Product of the Year!

Goal of the Month: February

So as I said before, I'm not doing NY resolutions...i'm doing attainable "goals". Last month was to overhaul the Master Bath. Which I did. I'm a not-so-lean-mean-home-improvement-machine. I have a few other things to do but I'm constrained by cash, not laziness.

This month's goal: sell ALL the crap i keep sayingi 'm going to sell on Ebay. this is BOATLOAD of work, because it's hard ot keep track of auctions AND it requires some capital up front. But i have soooo much crap that needs to be cleared out and since I need cash to finish up the bathroom, this is the most logical monthly goal.

Speaking of money...
Carrie brought to my attention that the fees for citizenship applications is gonna jump big time, so that means this weekend i HAVE to complete my paperwork and file. I kind of wanted to hold out...partially because it impacts my ability to travel and partially 'cause I don't feel like spending the money to be a US citizen.

Well add to that that this past weekend someone smashed into Kraig's car and drove off. Kiss $500 deductible goodbye. If i ever found out who did it, I'm gonna beat them with a rusty crowbar.


Okay, that's all I had to babble about for the time being!

BEST commercial

I think this is the most brilliant commercial:


Very, very well done. If i were a dude, I'd douse myself in Axe too.

In other news, the diet Pepsi situation has reached critical levels. I need a ton of energy last week so at one point I drank EIGHT cans of the stuff by the end of the work day.

And now it's Saturday...and it's noon...and I'm EXHAUSTED...so I'm debating: do I spend the weekend sleeping it off and finally getting over this addiction...OR...do I drink the stuff this weekend, accomplish everything I want to, and then ummm NEXT weekend i'll sleep it off?

Yep, I'm an addict. And the bottle in my fridge is calling my name.

On the topic of the stranger, I did a random informal poll to see how many people heard of this, and so far it seems guys are 50/50 on whether they've heard of...THE STRANGER. Although I give credit to one person who suggested that to fight the effect of the hand "waking up" when a guy uhhh does his thing, just sit on your OTHER hand and alternate as necessary. Nasty, but logical.

Kah Toe Mahhh Tayyy!

Citizenship

So I have a goal to finally get my citizenship before next year so I can vote.
I love this guy! And i'm sick of being scared of...getting sick if unemployed!....

In other news, the bathroom is almost all done...just need to install the cabinet, replace the shower door, and do some touch up painting. FINALLY! Gone are the 80s from my bathroom!

Gooey Chewie

This cracked me up: Star Wars Toys That Never Were (it's old but I've never seen it before)...

I effing hate Costco. At this rate i should seriously go and get my money back (THAT at least you can get a refund on)...

I was told when I joined that I could return the $100 bottle of wine as long as it was still in their inventory. I went today (to a different location, granted) and they were like "no returns or exchanges on liquor, ever"...wtf! I was hoping that getting $100 credit for the wine would offset the stupid $50 membership!

And the more I go, the more I realize they just don't have stuff that I want. Like I'm down with a TON of soup...but there's only so much chicken noodle I can hack. Like make more variety packs! Although they DID do that with Lean Cuisine, and that was a pretty good score. And I'm down with huge jars of peanut butter, but i gotta have the reduced fat stuff...c'mon, is it too much to ask that they carry some of the lighter food options (mayo, etc) as well?

Anyway somehow i bought $69 worth of stuff...well okay I'm a sucker for that jalepeno (sp) artichoke dip...and I bought a huge thing of provolone cheese that in hindsight, i think was MORE expensive than if I had just bought it at Albertsons...

The one thing i DO give them props for...when you buy boneless skinless chicken breasts, they're individually wrapped in 2s...LOVE IT. 'Cause when I buy the big bulk sizes from the grocery store, it's all goopy and messy and trying to individually wrap them so I can put some in the freezer is a pain in my ass. This was a no-brainer to just unwrap and pop in the freezer. That might very well be worth the $50 membership, if I don't have to touch chicken meat before putting it in the freezer.

Time to watch HEROES now!

If The Flintstones has taught us anything, it's that pelicans can be used to mix cement.

Busy busy busy weekend painting. I don't know how the eff some people can do it like it's no big deal. Prepping takes effing forever. Granted this time I went all out and did the "proper" procedures (wash with TSP, prime, mass amounts of blue tape, etc) 'cause this is my bathroom we're talking about and with the crazy moisture that goes on in there, I don't wanna deal with it later. I even used a putty knife to scrape off the crappy paint that was peeling near the shower and sprayed some Knockdown spray stuff in order to get the cottage cheese texture (gonna be honest...that stuff is crap).

So far so good...I just gotta do one more coat tomorrow morning and i'm doooone...My hands are all raw from scrubbing paint off, I'm high on paint fumes, my cuticles are jacked up...but finally FINALLY we're reaching the end of the horribly nasty Eighties Bathroom...tomorrow after I paint I'm going to head to Lowe's to buy the towel bars, on Monday I'm gonna buy the wall cabinet (need to find one of those 20% off coupons from Bed Bath and Beyond, of course when i NEED one i can't find them, even though I've got a trillion around the house), and then...the last step before the end of this month...replace the gold shower door that's biodegrading and harboring so much cruddy bacteria, i could open my own science center.

Anyway, I realize this is all incredibly boring but that's what you get when you lead a boring life...

Although I must say, I had tons of fun last night getting my drink on...and discovered what The Stranger was.

I'm chatting with this semi-jackass and I mentioned how he had gotten the phone number of Miss Typical OC Chick With Long Blond Hair and Big Trout Lips and he was "I don't need that, there's always the Stranger"...
Me: "What's the Stranger?"
Him: "You've never heard of the Stranger?"
Me: "Obviously not"
Him: "It's when you sit on your hand till it gets numb and then you take care of business but since you can't feel your hand it's like a stranger is doing it to you"...
Me: "WTF!"...

Told EVERY female in the bathroom this concept, they were all like "who's the a-hole who told you that? "...so thankfully I'm not the only female who's never heard of it.

You learn a new thing each day.

Letter to the editor

Do you wear deodorant?
Anti-antiperspirant actually. Dove.

Yeah i suck, usuallyit takes me awhile to write my blogs so if i start mid-sentence back up again, it usually makes for a jacked up sentence.

As for dippin' dots...it's just WEIRD to me. I'm not down with novelty ice cream like that. I had never even heard of it until I moved to California and saw it at the Boardwalk in Santa Cruz. I like my ice cream to be one solid chunks, not pebbles of it!

Props...

Just a quick props to my friend Katelyn...who bought her own optometry practice! She's a business owner! With a staff! And a building! That's quite possibly one of the most accomplished things I've ever heard of anyone my age doing. I swear, I'm beyond not motivated like that...so she gets the Kickass Chick of 2007 award!

You know you're from Ottawa when....

Yes yes yes must post more, I've got some movie reviews and general life commentary to provide. In the meantime:

I love this! Made me even more homesick. Courtesy of Christine.

You know you're from Ottawa when....

During grade school, you were warned about "The man in the white van."
Yesss! And it seems that's not a typical school urban legend. Basically rumor/news has it that some kids were kidnapped from the man in the white van, so we had to avoid those vans like the plague.

You have at least one "Woohoo!" towel
Is that from a Sens game? 'Cause if so, yes, I still have my towel.

You know that the women on Dalhousie Street, aren't just "friendly."
Ha haaaaa haaaa. That's from all the hookers there. Anytime you want to throw an insult about a chick you just say "Yeah she looked like she should walk on Dalhousie"

The word Vanier strikes fear into your heart, in fact you duck and cover any time you hear it
So Vanier is the ghetto of Ottawa. Kinda like the Riverside of the OC. I dated a guy who lived there for awhile (Kevin, for those in the know) and seriously, SERIOUSLY, that's pretty effing ghetto there. It even SOUNDS ghetto.

You've been to a parade that only consisted of a few emergency vehicles with banners, some people marching, and Kool FM/Hot 89.9 van
Ha ha pretty much...aren't all Ottawa parades like this?

The dreaded Ice Storm combined with the teachers' strike made 1998 the best school year ever
Well sorta. Previous to that was the teacher's strike of '91, and then the "work to rule" in '96...the Ice Storm was when I was in University, and stupid me actually WENT to school on that day...it was brutal. I almost died trying to lug around my schoolbag full of CSI books (CSI = computer, not Crime Scene Investigation!) in a land completely covered in pure ice.

You're bilingual... or at least you can parler Franglais
Mais oui je parle Francais...et Franglais.

You eat, sleep and breathe the Super Ex while it's open
I used to for awhile, but it's...dirty.I guess they all are, but that yearly fair really is...dirty.

You've swam in Mooney's Bay and had to shower for 2 hours afterwards to get that filthy, filthy water off of you
I refused to ever swim there. That's effing disgusting. When you need a sign telling you what the water quality is for that day, there's a problem.

You don't flinch when asked if you want to eat a beavertail
Beavertails:Canadians = Churros:Californians. It's the same stuff, different shape.

You've been at the top of the peace tower and thought you were amazingly high just because nothing else is allowed to be taller then it
WTF is the peace tower?

You've seriously considered swimming in the Rideau Canal on one of those 30+ degree summer days
GOD no. I've seen how much algae grows in that thing. And it actually looks like warm murky water.

You remember a time when Patrick Lalime was kinda good
Who the eff is that?

Everyone you know has some sort of story about how Alanis Morissette babysat their cousin's best friend's dog's original owner's son-in-law
Of course! I still have my photos of her from when I got her first album autographed at Place D'Orleans. And she taught Sex-Ed to my friend's 9th grade gym class (Alanis was in OAC/Grade 13 when me and my friend were in 9th grade).

You listened to 101.1 XFm, 93.9 KOOL FM and remember when the New Hot 89.9 was still new
Ha ha haaaa. I remember the DJ on 93.9....The Milkman...

You're pretty sure that the corner of Preston and Somerset is the only place in the world where China and Italy touch each other.
Of course!

You think that 613 is the only area code that exists and HATE having to dial it to call people now
you have to do that now? I hated having to dial the area codes when I moved to California...it's so bizarre to me to have to give out my phone number in 10 digits, not 7.


You think Stittsville is the end of the universe
Well I USED to...now I think Canada overall is at the end of the universe.

You've waited 30 minutes for the OC transpo only to realize it came fucking early? Like, what the fuck is that?
I never realized when it came early...it's more like 40 minutes later at the next rotation, i assumed it was 40 minutes LATE. Mannn I hated taking the OC...but I gotta admit, living somewhere where it's unsafe to take the bus...the OC is a relatively good system in a pinch. Or when you're drunk.

You remember when the Scotiabank Place was still the Corel Centre, or better, Palladium
It's called the Scotiabank Place? Of course I remember it as the Palladium and I was annoyed when they changed it to the Corel Centre...but it changed again!? WTF!

You've partied on Parliament Hill on Canada Day
Duh. Obviously. And to anyone who thinks it's not the biggest party in the universe...yer wrong! If you don't hold hands with your friend, you'll lose them in a snap...it's pure pandamonium. LOVE IT. MISS IT BADLY.

You remember going on field trips to the museum of science and tech. every year of elementary school
Ha ha haaa...of course. Plus that art gallery, I remember we had to stare at that Ring of Fire painting that was a few million dollars in order to understand what it was about (ummm just a big canvas painted red. That's it)..finally I was like "okay I get it. You used $18Mil worth of paint. "

You've travelled and waited for over half an hour just to get into Zak's Diner in the Byward Market
Heck yeah! I love their poutine. When I went with Kraig I took him there to try poutine.

A winter without going skating on the Rideau Canal just doesn't seem right
Sorta. I'm a crappy skater, and skating on the Canal scares me 'cause they cut these huge holes out in order to scope out the thickness of the ice, and I've always been afraid of not paying attention and falling in. It's the world's largest skating rink for anyone who cares :P

You have an irrational hatred for those Toronto Maple Leafs and everything they do, have done and will do
Yep.

You've been to, and therefore fallen asleep at, a lynx game
Never. I hate baseball, especially Ottawa baseball.

You've thought that free 67's tickets were the best thing you could ever possible win, ever.
Uhhh not really. There's a reason they're free.

You can spot Spartacat out of a crowd of 19,000 people
You'd have to be blind to not see that thing!

So sad...

This is so sad! She's one of the best and funniest characters on the show.

Actress Darlene Conley, better known as Sally Spectra from 'The Bold & the Beautiful' has died. Conley suffered from gastric cancer. She came public with her disease last november and announced her retirement from the show at the same time. The 72-year old actress played her character for more than twenty years on the show. She earned two Outstanding Supporting Actress Daytime Emmy nominations for her part.

Time killer....

I gotta get ready for my company holiday party, but then I started watching this thing on White Supremacy Skinheads on A&E and it got me SOOOOO pissed off (like seriously, SERIOUSLY...pissed off...i'm gonna start my own hate group against people with blond eyebrows...or moles on their hands...or have red hair...because we are a better race without them!wtf)

So...to take my mind off my pissed-off-ness...for your reading pleasure since this blog is all about ME mooo ha ha haaa...
Off-The-Wall Questions:

When was the last time you went to the bathroom outside?
the ONLY time was when i was like 5, and i'm never doing that again.

Family member you most resemble?
My niece. Well I guess she resembles me. My mom says that I look just like my dad's real mom.

Do you own your own Bible?
The only time I've ever TOUCHED a bible was when I was rummaging through a hotel drawer.

Do you wear deodorant?
Anti-antiperspirant actually. Dove.

Do you clean up nice?
Compared to how i look non-cleaned up...hell yeah.

When was the last time you tripped and fell?
OMG yesterday...and when I got up I smashed my head into the metal thingies that hold up my banister.

Where was the last place you slept besides your home?
Hotel in Santa Clara (bay area).

What are you listening to right now?
The sound of my computer humming away.

Have you ever started an uncontrollable fire?
Nope.

Ever run out of gas on the road?
Geezus who hasnt'?

What would you rather do, rake the leaves, or mow the lawn?
Rake leaves. 'Cause then you can jump in the pile when it's done.

What is the last thing you downloaded onto your computer?
Ad-Aware update. And The Office (avi file) from Matt since my DVR didnt record it and I was freaking out.

Last time you swam in a pool?
Last summer in Arizona.

Have you ever been in a school play?
Ughghghgh yes.
Nursery school: we did this thing where we recited how we kept getting mittens for birthdays, xmas, whatever, and then the very last line was "AND THEY GAVE ME MITTENS AGAIN!" and we all showed our hands with mittens on them...
ANd then in grade 1 or 2 I played the drums for some other school play thingy.



How many kids do you want?
4. The four child plan. Clearly I'm starting too late, but that's the ideal.

Type of music you DISlike most?
Polka.

Are you registered to vote?
Nope. I'm canadian.

Do you have cable?
I have satellite.

Ever prank call anybody?
Ha ha used to all the time. Oh wait I prank called Kraig's friend Chris when he was on his radio show a few months ago.

Would you go bungee jumping or sky diving?
Hmmm...let's assess:
Bungee jumping at least has an effing cord, BUT...people's necks get jacked up doing that.
THEN...i would say sky diving but I just saw a thing on Oprah about some chick who's parachute got tangled and her faced basically got mauled when she landed.

So...my vote: skydiving but where someone else is strapped with you.

Do you have a garden?
An itty bitty one that is half dying, half going wild.

What's your favorite comic strip?
Far side, FoxTrot, Dilbert, there was one that isn't made anymore about this animals in highschool, that was funny...and...of course...ALIEN LOVES PREDATOR

Bath or Shower?
Shower. The last time I took a full on bath was...a long time ago.

Best movie you've seen in the past two weeks?
The Holiday

Best pizza topping?
hmmm...veggie with mushrooms, onions, tomatoes, green peppers...but sometimes a good four cheese works....any Mediterranean pizza with artichokes and sundried tomatoes...

Popcorn or Peanuts?
Popcorn

Orange Juice or apple juice?
OJ.

Chocolate Bar?
Mr. Big all the way!

When was the last time you ate a homegrown tomato?
Geezus...who knows

Ever order anything from an infomercial?
Nope, but my mom does all the time.

Sprite or 7-Up?
Sprite. Well, diet sprite.

Have you ever had to wear a uniform to work/school?
Yep: McDonalds, Select Roses (it was just their tshirt), ummm...i guess that's it.

Would you prefer being a millionaire or find true love?
Millionaire. Duh.

Believe in love at first sight?
Sorta.

Who was the last person you visited in a hospital?
Gina when she was in a coma.

What do you think about most?
Lately? Effing home improvement. And what I would do if i won the lottery. You know...the lottery that I never play.

Favorite form of travel?
Teleportation.

If you could have one magical power what would it be?
HA once again...teleportation...or...the ability to stop time.

SOME STRANGE QUESTIONS:

Something purple within 5 feet of you:
A USB hub.

The sexiest item of clothing you own:
I've got strong collection of lingerie...that poor kraig never sees lol...

Is your hair long enough to chew on:
Yep. Mmm mmm. I like mine deep fried topped with salsa.

Least favorite color?
Green

Ever have Dippin' Dots?
Ugh no.

Letter to the editor...

Yes, Kraig helped with the fan but I did so much research online, I knew what needed to be yanked where and what numbers where needed...basically i was like "MOVE!" whenver he tried to help.

Wow, I'm impressed with your determination to fix the fan! So do you shut the door to the toilet/shower room every time you shower? Why don't you just leave the door open so it doesn't get so humid in there? That's the lazy man's way out of the situation,and what I'd do; I'm surprised you just don't do that.

Well I close the door 'cause it wakes Kraig up when I shower to go to work, but after I shower i keep the door open for a bit but then the entire bedroom gets all muggy and nasty (not so bad in summer when you can open windows, not so good in winter when it's freezing). If we showered with the door open all the time, the entire bedroom would be nasty.

Can't we have one meeting that doesn't end with digging up a corpse?

Seriously, home improvement blows.

To be precise: it blows goats.

When you buy a home that's not already in mint condition, you get all gung-ho on doing crazy home improvement stuff. Then, after a few months, your Care-Factor goes pretty much down to zero. What used to drive you NUTS now becomes "ehhh...well...so there's a big hole in the wall. I could fix it...or...not..."

Well we've had the house for 3 years now and I'm back on the home improvement bandwagon.

Goal for this month: paint the mutha effing upstairs bathrooms.

The cats' bathroom (i.e. the guest bathroom that really is for the cats and a spot for me to do my makeup before work) is this horrible nasty shade of blue. As in, children's crayon blue. Nasty nasty stuff. New color: a rose blush color.

As for the master bath, it's such a tiny area but it's adjacent to the Heather Blue in the bedroom, so I'm gonna stick with a creamy kinda color. (My inspiration: the bottle of Vanilla lotion from Bath and Body Works sitting on the bathroom counter)

ANYWAY, what's the point of this? The point is...now I remember why my Care-Factor went down to zero.

Yesterday I got fed up with the fan in the bathroom. And by "bathroom" I mean the closet-size room that holds the toilet and the tub. The fan barely does anything and I"m pretty sure we're 1 week away from having a crazy mold breakout as a result. The moisture level is crazy.

(On a different note, I bought This Stuff to combat the excessive moisture...that's a whole other blog for another time)

So I decided...time to be a man, grow some balls, and fix the fan.

First step: Look at fan.
Yep I looked at it. It said "Broan" on it.

Step 2: Go to Broan.com
Logged on. And this is where the problems start. Couldn't find anything that looked like the fan cover that i had.

Step 3: Remove grill cover
Ummm yeahhhhh this is disgustingly nasty. I had to balance on the toilet tank and the shower enclosure in order to remove the cover, and needless to say I got a nice sprinkling of dust and crazy micro-organisms all over me. Tasty.

Step 4: "I can give you more!" Okay that's New Kids on the Block...
Observe
Once I wiped off the thick layer of sludgy dust from the fan I was so delighted to find that all the text was covered in rust. But the motor had a number on it, so I wrote it down, put it all up and vowed to call Broan's customer service the next day.

Step 5: Call customer support and embarrass yourself
Broan's customer support chick was super nice. Sadly she had no idea what i was talking about.

Step 6: Repeat with extra fervor.
That's where tonight comes in.
This time it was time to get crazy.
Turned the power off, unplugged the motor, and attempted to take the plate out so I could inspect it. Riiiggghtt. Not only is the frickin' thing rusted, but it's pretty much fused into one big hunk of metal. And there's all this info on the metal plate that houses the motor....like instructions on how to REMOVE the aforementioned plate...but it's all covered in rust!

Anyway through my swearing and balancing act while holding a flashlight (since the power was off) I realized the motor was made by UPPCO inc...

So I went to UPPCO's website, scoped out the model number (to make sure it was a legit number since I could barely read anything), went back to the Broan website and did a general search on the UPPCO number, got some PDF document that showed all the OEM motors linked to...what exactly, i'm not sure.

This is what I figured out...
My UPPCO model says 99080245
Broan's website says "Replaced by 97012041 688G-J"
I figured out that 688G through 688J is a model type
And they have an upgrade kit (model 690) to "easily" replace the 688 stuff.
Simple, right?
Wrong.

The dimensions on the upgrade kit don't match the dimensions for mine.
SO...what's the moral of the story?

I'm going to go to Home Depot tomorrow, gonna buy BOTH upgrade kits, and pray that I have the strength to yank out the metal housing so I can fix this mutha effing fan once and for all.

Coming soon: Step 7 Take a super duper long hot shower and enjoy the new ventilation provided.

Ohhh, need more fun home improvement stuff? Wait until I talk about the joys of moisture-resistant primer and discussing paint samples with your husband that make him say "that's PINK! Why don't I just grow boobs while we're at it?!"....

Absolutely brilliant...

This is an absolutely brilliant article:
Baby makes 3: How kids rattle friendships

Not that it's written well, but that it raises a HUGE point: when chicks get pregnant, they typically become part of this Mom Club and all the other women are not included.

“It's as if they became incapable of doing anything that didn't fit their ideal of what a mommy should be and do. It just became too much effort and I began to ask what am I getting from these friendships? What am I giving? Then I realized we just grew apart. So it was time to find new friends.”

As lives evolve, so do priorities. Some childless women complain their friends with children turn into mommy machines — always wanting to talk about their babies and resembling very little of their former fun selves.



I know we all say that we'll never be like that, but I wonder...why do most women get like that?! I have to give mad props to my friend Christine in Ottawa and my coworker Kelly...they've both managed to not be typical moms...don't get me wrong, I hear the baby stuff but they never go into excessive detail and they still are big on maintaining their individual identities. My other friend Betsy constantly reminds me of how wonderful NOT having a baby is...which I owe big time, because other moms make you feel like your life is meaningless without a child.

The last time I visit home, Christine said something amazing (when I was shocked that she wanted to go to a bar with me): "Kids aren't your life...they ENHANCE your life"...and even better, when her husband said "are you driving?" I thought he was going to ask me to come home early because of the twins...instead he said "make sure she gets sh*tfaced drunk"...fabulous!

It's not that i have any problems hearing about baby stuff. It's that there's a select few things that I want to hear about. I love that I can bug Kelly about all the bizarre changes that happens to a chick's body. Or that Christine showed me how crazy powerful the breast pump was and let me stick that thing to my stomach to fool around with it. THAT stuff is funny, entertaining, and childless people don't mind hearing it.

What i DO hate hearing, and please shoot me if I get like this:
a) how Baby did something crazy basic. I get it. Y our baby climbed up stairs. Since I've been doing that for a looong time now, i have no thrill in it. I don't even care when they say their first words. You knew it was gonna happen eventually. In fact, tell me when they CAN'T talk...'cause then there's problems.

b) Don't tell me about how Baby had a cold, had a fever, had whatever. My cat's got a runny eye right now and needs eyedrops, i'm not boring you with those details.

c) PLEASE dont' tell me how the doctor or daycare teacher said your kid is overly bright for their age, how your kid is more advanced than others at reading or whatever...because EVERYONE says that. Your kid is average. And just 'cause your kid can read the Wall Street Journal at 5 doesn't mean he's gonna be a doctor (it's not like your kid is fully UNDERSTANDING the wall street journal). When he becomes a doctor, THEN we'll talk.

d) Please spare me the pregnancy details of how much something is dialated. I'll be honest with you: I have no idea what that means. One day, hopefully, I will. But when I do, i'm not going to tell people what I was 'cause i know guys have no idea what being dialated means, and a good chunk of chicks don't either. Nor do they care.

e) Please don't tell me your kid's age in exact months when they're past 6 months. 4 months, yes. 16 months, no. WTF is that? Just say 2. Or one and a half. Whatever. I'm not doing math, i'm just trying to be polite by asking, I don't want to know the exact frickin' details.

f) Please spare me the endless emails with a trillion photos. I like getting them, and I love keeping up to date, but I don't need 20 jpegs showing yer baby with her new shoes. One or two is sufficient. I like your baby, so please don't make me get annoyed with the excessive talk.

g) Please don't give me emails/phone calls saying "And then daddy took Baby to the park"..."daddy" has a frickin' name. He's not MY daddy, so calling him Mike or John i fine, I know he's the father of your child.

Okay that's my ranting. I'll give everyone a bit of leeway, but seriously after awhile...the mom's club thing gets old. If your day was spent with teh baby, i'll TOTALLY be there to listen to the griping and all that (complaining I can handle if it's truly a nightmare), but I don't want to spend all day yakking about how cute your baby's bow is. Let's pretend you have some resemblance of a personality that shows you still like tv, movies, clothes, makeup (even if you never get to wear it), politics, ANYTHING....

And...this also means that people can call me on this crap if I get like this down the road. A single punch in the face will be sufficient.

Quickie Time Killer Survey Crap

Feel free to answer in the Comments section...or not...suck it. From Marlene.


1. Can you cook?
I'm a better baker, and I prefer to cook vegetarian meals...when I cook meat I tend to get a bit digusted trying to consume the food that i saw in raw format. As far as I'm concerned, my chicken comes from a tree.


2. What would you do if you were stuck in an elevator?
Get on my cell and call for help.


3. What talent do you wish you had?
Sigh. So many.
- is grace a talent?
- figure skating
- piano
- singing
- is invisibility a talent?

4. Favorite place?
My bed. With the blankets on. And my cats.


5. Favorite vegetable?
Hmmm. I dig butternut squash. And broccoli. Do mushrooms count as a vegetable?


6. What was the last book you read?
Emotional Intelligence. Okay well i didn't finish reading it, i got through the first chapter about the brain and got super bored.

7. Are you Dirty or Clean?
Pretty clean, but my husband keeps me dirty. Take as you will. People who know me well enough know EXACTLY what i mean.

8. Any Tattoos and/or Piercings?
No and yes.

9. Worst Habit?
According to my friends, it's my diet pepsi addiction. Otherwise...grabbing at my skin (drives Kraig nuts)...interrupting...talking loudly....napping (which i make no apologies for)...excessive tv watching.

HERE COMES THE FUN ... ... ...


1. Do we know each other outside of myspace?
Of course we do Marlene!

2. What's your philosophy on life?
I dunno....expect the worst and the worst won't happen; if it does, at least you'll be prepared.

3. Negative or Optimistic?
GEE see #2 to figure that out.

4. What was your dream growing up?
To be an artist.

5. Worst thing to ever happen to you?
Hmmm, well happen "to" me would imply that I didn't bring it upon myself (I've had alot of crappy things happen but they were my fault)...so something that I didn't bring upon myself: hmmm...going through 1 year of hell with my diabetic/sick cat...6 months of a psycho bad ear infection...hmmm I guess that's it. Everything else was my own doing!

6. Would you give me money or a slap in the face?
Oh Marlene...I'd give you money so i COULD slap you in the face :P

7. Tell me one weird fact about you:
I can flip my eyelids inside out and keep them that way....

8. Would you have my back or kick me when I'm down?
I got yo back woman! Hos before Bros!

9. Do you Trust me?
Absolutely.

10. Have you ever kept anything from me?
Geezus that's retarded, the only one who knows 100% everything is Marmalade.

11. What do you think of me as a Person?
Marlene, you rock.

12. Do you think I'm sane or insane?
LOL sane except when it comes to cheese.

13. Would you cry for me if I died?
Of course.

14. Would you be my crime partner or my conscience?
Crime partner.

15. If you could change anything about me, would you?
I'd change your zip code to mine :)

16. How do you fall asleep?
With my eyes closed.

17. Would you come over to yell at me or just call?
I'd text.

18. Would you go on a blind date if I set you up?
Sure. Just don't tell my husband :P

19. If I only had one day to live would you be honest or lie?
I'd fudge the truth.

20. A million bucks.. what would you do with it?
Okay I loooove these questions...
$100,000,000 broken down to:
$500,000 put aside for taxes
$495,000 to pay off my home loan
$5000 divided up between friends and a new pair of boots
And then from there, all my income coming in would go towards paying off the cars and credit card bills and THEN all income after that (should take half a year if not less) it would be PARTAYYYYYYY TIME.....

Sadly, a million bucks basically doesn't do JACK when you live in California.

21. What is your worst fear?
To be paralyzed or severly maimed or horribly disfigured in some way....

22. Favorite thing to do in your spare time?
sleep or watch tv. If i could do both, i'd be in heaven.

23. How many times did you curse at me while filling out this thing?
Once. Just now. Since you reminded me.

24. Can you sing or dance?
Define "sing". If you mean make high pitched noises that have a hint of melody, then yes.
Define "dance". If you mean gyrate in such a way that one might take it for an epileptic seizure, then yes.

25. In one word, how would you describe me? Be honest....
ENERGETIC

26. Will you repost this so I can fill it out?
Sure. Why not.

If you've read this far...you are very very bored.

When i grow up, I want to be a principal or a caterpillar.

Wow, I suck lately at updating this blog...

Quickie Movie Review: The Holiday

LOVED it. Total predictable chick flick but still somewhat intelligent, well-written, and all-around a feelgood time. Two very enthusiastic thumbs up. Fine holiday faire.

On New Year's the subject of Lady In The Water came up and as per the previous post, that movie effing BLOWS...one dude at the party said "So you like Dirty Dancing. Because anyone who doesn't like Lady In The Water must then love Dirty Dancing".

Ummm, no. I actually dislike Dirty Dancing because I think "Baby" was ugly and Patrick Swayze's character was nasty and a pedophile. Nothing more unattractive than a dude who wears black dance dress pants. Well...i guess a dude who dresses like a chick is probably more unattractive.

I'm simply saying...I stand by my movie review, it was basically a movie that for the simpletons got your blood pumping but for anyone who can see through the cheeziness and predictability of it, you'll be disgusted by the whole thing. And the excessive whispering and pointless stuttering will drive you insane.

Okay, nuff of that.

Now that it's a new year I find myself pretty overwhelmed with the list of things that I've set out to accomplish this year. It's looking grim to say the least. BUT...tomorrow morning I've got a dude coming by to give a quote on hardwood flooring installation...baby steps...

It absolutely kills me that I've reached that age where I can discuss the merits of different home improvement projects for lengthy periods of time. As well as the weather. Fortunately I'm interested very little in political topics (except immigration for obvious reasons...as well as health care and abortions...i'm a messed up person...i'm willing to pay a ton of taxes if it means i get stuff and my neighbors are taken care of, but I don't give a crap about people who sneak in and break the law OR if 14 year old whores want to vacuum their fetus out...yay pro choice) AND I'm still the oldest person who watches Real World so thankfully I've got some things to cling on to that resemble youth.

Yesterday I was scoping out Consumer Reports (best effing publication ever! Get an online subscription, it's only $4.95/month...get it for a month, then save EVERYTHING and cancel the subscription for awhile) and they tested wrinkle lotions/serums/creams...Olay Regenerist was #1 on their list, followed by some $100+ cream (and no, not La Mer...in fact, I dont' remember if La Mer made the list even)...so once i'm done with my Marcelle and RoC serums (i'm all about the French!), bring on the Regenerist...although I usually shun away from companies that test on animals (if i'm aware of it).

TV Show Review: http://www.eonline.com/on/shows/starveillance

Through a fluke I decided to watch the new E! show Starveillance...it was actually pretty good. Basically they create mock "hidden camera" moments with celebrities with claymation...claymation irritates the crap outof me after awhile but the way they poke fun at celebrities is pretty awesome, especially the premiere episode's skit with Tom Cruise.
Final verdict: watch it if you're home bored and channel surfing, but don't go out of your way to watch it. It'll be re-ran a billion times anyway.

TV Show Review: The Office

Okay okay no need for a formal review, I just want to say how KICKASS this how is...and how 1 week without it was like a week of torture. Poor Pam finally crumbles from the pain of dealing with Jim and Karen. Dwight shows a humanitarian but still creepy side. Jan gives into her lack of good judgement. The employee who whipped out her boob and breast-fed at the office quit. Good times at Dunder-Mifflin.

Time to go change into my pajamas and get some sleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep.

Will you be my mommy? You smell like dead bunnies...

Here it is folks... the last day in 2006. I'm gonna be honest witcha. This is pretty anti-climatic. So I've made a new vow: this is my last year being out and about for New Year's. As in...wherever I'm sleeping is where I plan on being when the clock strikes midnight. So whether it's a hotel, my house, someone else's house, whatever...by midnight, after this year, I plan on being in my jammies and ready for bed.

I know that makes me sound ridiculously boring but geezus, why bother counting down to January 1st anymore...it's not like we make a big deal when August 1st or April 1st arrives...I'm so over the hoopla of being able to throw out a calendar and making the mistake for a few weeks of writing the previous year out of force of habit.

Movie Review: Lady In The Water

Uh it wasn't my choice to have this in the netflix queue. I knew it would suck. And it did. That's 2 hours of my life I can't get back.

The gist of the movie is that there's water chick who needs to get to some far away land with the help of these people in an apartment complex, and there's this beast that's chasing her. The lady in the water is played by Ron Howard's daughter, who was in The Village (as the blind chick). So the whole movie everyone wants to help this poor girl/spirit-thing 'cause she's slowly dying and the entire time i was like "who gives a crap?! She's annoying. Let her die". She kept WHISPERING...if I had paid money for a theater ticket I would have been peeved 'cause you can't hear half the allegedly inspirational crap she says.

In Eleanor News....

So I finally washed Eleanor (my Rav4) for the first time since buying it. HOLY CRAP. There's a significant difference between washing an SUV and washing a compact car. It took me frickin' forever. Granted I was being wayyy more meticulous and I had to scrub like mad to get the stupid berry stains that get on my car because the morons at the Irvine Company planted berry trees at work. And then I waxed my car. BY HAND.

The only thing I have to do is vacuum the inside and hose off the rubber floor mats.

I am one dedicated mofo. I used all Maguiar's products thanks to Ryan and Nicole...I gotta admit, that stuff is kickass in comparison to the cheapie stuff I used to use.

Anyway I'm gonna go take a nap...gotta rest up for my last new year's of partying (and by partying i mean...not being at home with my cats).

Let there be light

Yayyyy finally got Kraig's old (but newer) computer hooked up, gasp and here I thought our internet connection was slow...turns out, that other computer is just unacceptably old. That being said, Kraig bought this one under the guise of microsoft "works" so it doesn't have half the stuff that a normal computer should have, but that's the least of the problems if i get off my ass and just install stuff.

Xmas: it came. It saw. It left.

On the phone with my mom right now. How do people have interesting conversations with their moms? I have to limit what i say regarding opinions because then she flips out...right now she's asking me if people freak out when they see the jewelry they got me because it's so "different", and i had to point out that I work with a ton of different cultures, including Indian, so it's not a big deal...and now she's telling me how to make my grandmother's meatballs and whether i still have my weird neighbor...

Yeah, i'll write more of a year's wrap up when I actually get my brain out of my ass and think of something witty to say....

Movie Reviews

Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby

I wasn't really in the mood to see this because I've been super disappointed with movies where Will Ferrell is the star. He should just go back to SNL (MORE COWBEL!!).

ANyway, I was pleasantly surprised. Basically the gist of the story is this kid Ricky Bobby who's dad is never around because he's a race car driver, so Ricky Bobby aspires to be the same, makes it to the top, then has an "accident", flops to the bottom, and has to make it to the big leagues again using his own inner strength.

There's a ton of celebrity cameos in this movie, probably the best one where Ricky Bobby and the french guy walk along the french guy's property and Ricky Bobby says : "Was that Mos Def and Elvis Costello?"
Girard "No"
(insert confused look on Ricky BObby's face)....ahhh you'd have to see it to get it.

Anyway, I would have been peeved if I paid $11 to see it in the theater but as a Netflix rental, it was great.

Thank You For Smoking

Now my standards were VERY high for this movie. So...all I can say is...they met my standards. THey didn't exceed them, didn't go below them...they were just right.

The movie is about a dude who's a lobbyist for the cigarette companies, how he's hated, but still provides some very valid points in favor of the cigarette companies.

The opening scene shows the dude on a tv show with anti-cigarette agency people, and the Lobbyist Guy (forgot his name) says that cigarette companies don't WANT their customers to die of cancer because then they're losing customers and money...it's the anti-smoking groups that want Cancer Boy to die so they have another statistic to help their cause. Brilliant.

It's extremely dark, and you'll be forced to see Katie Holmes play a sexy reporter (I'm sorry, but she still looks like a 15 year old kid from Dawson's Creek to me), but overall HIGHLY recommended.

Letter to the Editor

BTW, Sabina I am blaming you for hooking me on The OC. :P

Oh and unless some wierd storm front blows in within the next 72 hours Ottawa will be having it's first brown Christmas. No snow at all, zero, zilch... It's almost too warm to wear a winter coat. :)

Hey, it's the last season for the OC so you shouldn't complain :P And Taylor is wayyyyy more entertaining than effing Marissa.

There was one time when we were super young that we didn't have a white Xmas...at least, from my memories....Kind of crazy though to imagine Ottawa without snow this time of year, usually you have to wear a winter coat on Hallowe'en because it would snow at the end of October...

Holiday Randomness

Arrraghghgh...

Last minute gift wrapping...blah. I swear I hate Xmas so effing bad.

The latest on the MOrris situation: nothing in the traps, Kraig insists that he licked a bit of the poison and that he's dead in the garage. Personally, I can't smell anything (I mean, it's a GARAGE...it's not going to smell like a frickin' spa) but he's positive there's something there.

so he saw a fly in the garage and now thinks that the fly is going to find Morris' body, lay eggs, then we'll get maggots. My mentality is that if that IS true, at least we'll eventually find the corpse.

Side note: I really don't think he's in the garage anymore. And i'm more freaked out by black widow spiders like Ursula in my garage at this point.

So i told him that when we get back from visiting the in-laws, we'll clear out the garage and search for Morris.

Crap, I think the pumpkin bread in the oven is burning.

Best Movie of 2007

They shouldn't even bother releasing any other movie in 2007. This is gonna be the best...just make the entire academy awards in 2008 devoted to this film.



I love that the little girl at the end has a My Little Pony plush....

Yeah, I'm really slack on writing these days. The holidays will be better. If anyone cares. Or maybe not, since you guys are all smarter for NOT having had anything to read on this blog lately...

Also, I really think it should be C*ck in a Box...not D*ck in a Box (for anyone who saw SNL this past weekend...effing hilarious):



A'ight, that's it for now...

A Benihanas Christmas

The Morris situation: grim.

The old-skool traps didn't work, and now the PB on them has gotten all hard, so i don't know if it's still delectable. I'm tired of not parking in the garage! So last night I told Kraig to just put a plate of PB in the garage and see if he eats any of it so we know he's still alive.

This morning, the PB was untouched...so my guess is that he's left Team H's domain.

the killer part is every day when I get home, I park outside the garage and scope out the trap situation...but they're along the wall tucked away so i have to get REALLY close (and for one f them, i have to get on the ground because Kraig's mustang is blocking my path)...and every single time I get freaked out at the one by the trash because ther'es twigs there and they look like tails and then i think i'm seeing Morris and I pretty much start yelling and shrieking without actually SEEING anything.

In other news, The Office was so mind boggingly fantastic, I don't know where to begin. I swear, I really feel like I work there. I wish I did, kinda.

Maybe last night rocked so much because RIcky Gervais (from teh british Office) helped write the episode.

A few bright moments, in no particular order:

1. "Benihanas is the asian Hooters"

2. When Michael marked the arm of the Benihanas chick because he couldn't tell the two asian girls apart.

3. Every time Jim saw Karen and Pam in cahoots with each other...his face was of pure panic.

4. When Jim discussed rebound relationships with Michael...knowing all along he was talking about Karen.

5. The explanation of the two different holiday party signs.

6.Angela: "Why did you take that?"

Benihanas chick: "oh I thought we could take them"

Angela: "I don't go into your house and take your hello kitty backpack!"...oh snap!

7. Michael photoshopping his face onto Carol's ex-husband's face for his holiday card.

8. Jim telling Dwight the waitress caught a goose and doesn't know how to properly kill it, so Dwight explains to the confused waitress how to slit the throat....

9. Tobey's infatuation with the bathrobes sent from corporate.

10. The ultimate moment: when Dwight is on the rooftop waiting for teh CIA helicopter, only to be texted that he has been compromised and must destroy the phone.

Of Mice and Men

This is the tale...of US vs. MORRIS.

Sunday, December 10th
So I'm ready to get a bunch of stuff accomplished...I wanted to clean my car (thanks to our advertisers, Maguiars) and then haul ass on something for work. I gave Kraig the project of installing the free keypad garage door opener I scored off Freecycle.

Kraig hollers at me that he wants me to write down the code from the garage door opener while he reads it out (it's written on the mechanism, which is on the ceiling)...so we're standing outside, and as Kraig goes to walk to the back of the garage I see this HUGE thing scurry from the top of the doorframe (the door that leads into the house) along the wall.

I start screaming that it's a rat, and really...if you recall the Bruno incident...I do NOT do well with creepy crawly things. Rats included. So i'm out on the street shrieking and yelling and smacking myself with my hands in order to get imaginary rats off of me, and Kraig starts the hunt to find the rat.

The rat named Morris.

So Morris sneaks into this pile of cardboard crap along one side of the garage. Cardboard crap includes folded up boxes and this HUGE Mulan movie display that an ex boyfriend stole out of the movie theater for me 10 years ago and Kraig woudln't let me throw it out. So Kraig's tossing hte cardboard out on the street in order to clear out the garage and find MOrris, I'm texting Carrie and Nicole D flipping out, this kid on his bike comes over and watches all of this laughing...

I got on the phone with Carrie and suddenly I had to let her go 'cause i saw this BIG BLACK THING moving along one of the boxes tossed from the garage...it was a mutha f*cking HUGE black widow spider. I knew that sometimes we had little baby ones, but this thing was flippin' MASSIVE.
Imagine this looking at you:




Now i'm REALLY freaking out. Kraig comes over, and even he's freaked out a bit (the dude loves bugs and crap, and growing up in California he's pretty unphased by black widow spiders...growing up in OTtawa, I've never seen a black widow in my LIFE, let alone one the size of a cat)...he tried to kick it away but it kept crawling back to the garage, so finally i shoved a piece of cardboard on it and stomped on it (which, apparently, is the most effective method of killing black widows and their egg sacks according to my online research).

I can't even BEGIN to tell you the amount of goo that comes out of a huge black widow spider. It was like someone poured syrup all over my driveway.

And by driveway, i mean the 2 foot space between my garage door and the street.

So back to MOrris.

Kraig has him cornered behind a chunk of cardboard, and asks what he should do, i'm yelling things that probably weren't even English, so he KICKS the cardboard, Morris gets away...

Finally he tells me I need to get some traps.

Side note: rats are nasty and carry a billion diseases. The last time I saw a rat ready to attack me was when i was in a 3rd world country and a rat popped it's head out of the DRAIN...and i was SHOWERING...not cool. Not cool at all.Seriously traumatized me.

I drive to Home Depot (where I called Nicole D in order to continue flipping out) to get my trap action on. I rush in, tell them I need to find their lead rat expert, and the dude tells me how I need to use the big sticky traps.

For those not in the know, basically it's a piece of plastic coated with this uber sticky stuff. You place some peanut butter in the middle and the rat goes for it, and then gets stuck, and basically dies a slow painful death.

Good times.

So i buy 2 packs (2 traps each = 4 traps) and some rat poison for good measure.

Get home, and Kraig tells me how those traps are mean, blah blah. So i tell him to put the poison in the center, PLUS the pb, then that way Morris can at least die faster once he's on teh trap.

So he puts on trap in this cupboard that apparently Morris had been hiding in, and one over by some shelving.

Cumulative Results
Morris: 1
Team H: 0
Ursula the Spider: disqualified.

Monday, December 11

I get up and I'm pretty cranky because I had to park my car outside so that Kraig could park his car in the garage. No WAYYY am I parking in the garage where Morris is ready to either eat me or at the very least, chew on the wires in my car.

Before you laugh at that last comment, apparently where I work there's a problem with rats doing that to people's cars that are parked in front. So suck it.

I get home, call Kraig, and because I can't figure out how to turn off Bluetooth in my car he ends up on speakerphone...I told him to stay on the line while I scoped out the Morris situation...I go to check the rat traps...nope, no Morris. However opening the cupboard door freaked me out so much I ran out of the garage shrieking and yelling, which could be heard from the car (since my car has a speaker and receiver for bluetooth calls), and Kraig was near his friend Chris who was LAUGHING his head off 'cause he could hear me yelling, and now everyoneo n the street could hear me yelling and kraig and chris laughing from my car's speakers.


So when Kraig got home, he pointed out that the poison cube raised the peanut butter so high, that MOrris had figured out how to lick it off without actually getting on the trap. He removed the poison and just put a blob of pb on the traps, and put them back in the garage.

Cumulative Results
Morris: 2
Team H: 0
Ursula the Spider: disqualified.

Tuesday, December 12th

Now at this point I"m really annoyed and tired of parking outside, so once again I drive up to the garage after work and scope out the trap situation.

Mutha effa.

MOrris had somehow eaten ALL the peanut butter off the traps.

I went to park outside again.

Kraig comes home, and he's stressed over work stuff and he's also getting nervous about MOrris eating his comic book collection (stored in the garage) 'cause that's what happened to his comics at his mom's house. He goes to get the traps...

WTF...there were rat pawprints all OVER the traps! Those things aren't sticky at all! Although the trap managed to shred a huge chunk of skin/fur off of Morris, he still got away. So now i'm tired, hungry (I had just gotten home), and ready to flip on Morris and his furry ass. Kraig was busy with work, so I took the 2 traps covered in pawprints and the package of unopened traps back to Home Depot.

I get to Home Depot,a nd i'm like "WTF there's PAW PRINTS...this stuff sucks!" and the guy was all "Hey, weren't you the one who was here on Sunday? We were talking about you today".
Me: "Uhh...why?"
Home Depot Dude: "'cause we saw 3 rats hanging out on the shelves in Aisle 3"
Me: "Wait, you have rats?"
Home Depot Dude: "Oh yeah, no big deal we have them everywhere here, but never just hanging out all three on a shelf like that"
Me: "I'm going to VOMIT now. I want to return these traps"...

The dude felt so bad fo rme that he also refunded me the rat poison, even though I didn't take it back for a refund.

Team H's new strategy: old skool snap traps. At $1.97 each, I could afford 3.

I get home and get Kraig to show me how these suckers work. The only time I've ever seen a trap work was in cartoons. Those things are CRAZY dangerous. And super sensitive. We slather peanut butter on the bait trigger thingy and Kraig goes to set them up in the garage.

I didn't hear any loud snapping noises at night, but then again I also didn't hear Kraig wash up and go to bed 'cause I passed out after watching The Colbert Report.

Cumulative Results
Morris: 3
Team H: 0
Ursula the Spider: disqualified.
Home Depot: stuffed with irony...they sell rat traps and yet, have a rat problem.

Wednesday, December 13th

Waiting to hear back from Kraig if maybe over the night MOrris got snapped. Otherwise, stay tuned.

The Morris saga continues!

TBS: My Boys

So as usual, last night I was zonked and crashed in front of the tv when I got home (I worked late, so I'm allowed to!).

Started flipping through the channels, which is pretty dumb considering I'm heavily backlogged on my DVR viewing. Plus i've got 2 DVDs of last season's Nip/Tuck I gotta watch. Anyway I caught the tail end of TBS' version of Sex and The City (does it ever get old? Answer: OH HELL NO. SATC is so timeless), and then I got the little promo saying that the new show My Boys would be coming up next...

I saw a ton of commercials for it (becuase I watch a ton of tv, naturally) and decided to give it a whirl...

OMG.

I absolutely LOVED My Boys. It's basically about a single chick who's got 1 female best friend and like 6 best guy friends who get together regularly for poker. She's a guy's girl, but it's funny because she has no qualms telling these guys what we chicks would LOVE to tell dudes.

Why this show kicks ass:

1. It's original. I really can't think of any other show that compares to it. The premise is good, and the characters are likeable.

2. It's got Kyle Howard...he was in Grosse Pointe on the WB way back in the day, which was another brilliant show that sadly got axed before it's time (that was back when WB was still new and pretty much only had Seventh Heaven as it's claim to fame). You can't go wrong when Kyle Howard stars in your show.

3. The main chick (AJ? DJ? TJ? whatever)...not overly pretty but still cute, she's the type who can play every girl's best friend. Good casting choice.

4. It's NOT set in LA or New York. Gasp, there's other places in the US? Really? Wow.

5. You can watch the episodes online if you missed any.

6. It's got new age wit, which alot of tv shows lack...even Gilmore Girls is outdated in it's use of wit, even though it was probably one of the wittiest shows back in it's hayday.

On other news, I still have to put up the photos on Shutterfly from my visit with my brother. GET OFF MY BACK! I'm busy!

Movie Reviews

Will
write
more
late

Cars



Everyone kept telling me how fantastic this movie was, yadda yadda. So my standards were somewhat high, although not overly high because I wasn't enthusiastic about seeing it even when it was in the theaters.



It's a pretty decent movie if you can tolerate that it stars a snide cocky red car...played by snide cocky Owen Wilson. After awhile, his "sneering" voice grated my nerves.



The major redeeming quality was the little movie reel at the end of the credits with John Ratzenberger pointing out how they keep re-using the same (i.e. HIS) voice in every Disney movie.

XMen 3: The Last Stand



Background history:

1. Yes, I've read the comics.



2. I've loved XMen (mostly the cartoons) since I was 15, when I babysat for kids that watched it nonstop.



3. Jean Grey annoyed me then, and still annoys me now. "Oh, i have a headache, now i'm going to faint".



4. Even more than my hatred for Jean Grey is the stupid Phoenix plotline from the comics/cartoons.



I thought XMen 1 was okay...It didn't blow me away, mostly because Rogue is supposed to be a sassy sexy chick and Anna Paquin is too young and too ugly to play her. And because Halle Barry is SOOO not Storm...Storm would be better played by Ima'an or someone more regal. And Jean Grey...i can't stand Famke Janssen, she should be played by Angie Everheart or something. Other than Professor X, Magneto, and Wolverine, i really wasnt' impressed with their casting selection.



XMen 2 annoyed me, because they can't get Storm's hair to look half decent, because Rogue STILL bugged me, becuase I didn't like that asian chick with the same adamantium that wolverine has...I don't like when movies get overly cliche, like "oh gee we need a hot asian chick who can kick ass. See if Lucy Liu is available".



Xmen 3...well...any movie that features Jean Grey prominantly is enough to make me gouge my eyes out.



In this movie, the Phoenix takes over Jean Grey and everyone's gotta stop it. First off, they go from one scene in complete daylight to the next one being nighttime...uhhh did the time change within a split second?



Secondly, Magneto moves the Golden Gate bridge over to Alcatraz. HELLO...it's a suspension bridge...if you rip it it from the sides it's not going to stay up on it's own anymore!

Thirdly, I fail to believe the government would use Alcatraz...not just because it's a historical landmark, but because the building is decrepit and falling apart and you can't exactly modernize it asap.



Fourthly...and big fourthly...when the Phoenix gets pissed she starts floating (why? Why float?) and everything starts to break and there's chaos and lots of wind and Wolverine has to get to her in time before the whole world is torn to shreds. Why do evil characters automatically destroy stuff? Who cares? Let her destroy earth, now where is she gonna live and get her hair done and find her food? Why does she have to BREAK STUFF just 'cause she's powerful? It just seems pointless.



Anyway, if you can get over your hatred for Jean Grey (as clearly I can't), the movie is entertaining but riddled with flaws.



The Benchwarmers



Every now and then you need a no-brainer movie featuring tons of ex-SNL cast members.

Out of all the movies I saw this past weekend, this one was probably the best. Maybe becuase I just wanted some cheesy, low grade humor. The scene stealer was Nick Swardson as David Spade's brother Howie...they could make a movie just on him (he was terrified of the sun).



The only odd things were to see Jon Heder in an SNL movie (he sort of sticks out a bit), and that Rob Schneider plays a "cool" guy (when is he cool?! NEVER!). But overall, it was a pretty funny and entertaining movie.



Yeah, not the greatest reviews, but that's my summary so suck it.

Movie Review: CASINO ROYALE

Movie review: Casino Royale

Let's do some background history here. I haven't seen that many James Bond movies but I do belive that Sean Connery is DA MAN...

And I was all for Clive Owen to be the new one...when I heard it was gonna be some blond dude, I wasn't impressed.

Ohhh, how I was too quick to judge!

So Casino Royale is basically the "first" Bond...when he first became a "double oh", rough around the edge, and "M" isn't too happy with him as an employee. It's a little odd because he's an older dude, so if this is him when he first got the job...well he must be 80 in the other movies.

That aside, Blond Dude is HOT. Not in terms of his looks...but his rawness and edginess has incredible appeal. Plus, when he has fight scenes the guy (gasp) actually BLEEDS...I saw You Only Live Twice the other day and James Bond got punched a trillion times in the face without a single scar.

The premise of this Bond is generally the same as the others...the difference is that there's not really any Good Bond Girl, Bad Bond Girl....and the blatant use of nudity is pretty much limited to Bond himself (how many times can the dude come out of the ocean soaking wet? I don't know and I don't care, just keep it up filmmakers!)

Anyway, I highly recommend this movie. Keep in mind though that I can't stand going to the movie theater, and the other day was no exception...the dudes to my left kept repeating whatever the guys in the movie were saying, and the dumbass teenie bopper girls in front of me kept texting each other and then running in and out of the theater.

I'm pretty sure that I've reached the end of my rope when it comes to kids in the theater. Texting was the last straw...the glow from their phones was constantly in my peripheral vision. Give it till I'm 30...as soon as I hit that age, I officially reserve the right to be a cranky old lady who screams at kids to SHUT THE F*CK UP OR I'M GONNA BEAT YOU IN THE HEAD.