Entertainment Tonight...err today

I've been in a massively crabby mood lately, so I've decided to spare the world by not bitching about it (what's there to write anyway? How it's a great injustice that I have to wake up each morning instead of getting paid to sleep?!)....

DVD Review: Legend of Zorro (i.e. Zorro the sequel)
Where to begin...
Bad acting....
Bad script...
Bad blue screen effect with the train scene at the end...
Bad little precocious little kid ("oh look at me, I'm cute, so I can get away by acting like a mischievious little devil")
But more importantly....
Who thought that using a flat iron to Antonio Banderas' hair would be a good idea?! I wanted to mess up his hair the entire movie.

In summary: 2 hours of my life that i can't ever, ever get back. Wasted.

TV Review: Laguna Beach Season 3
Sigh, I miss the good ol' days of Stephen, LC, and Kristin...but time to move forward right?
Wrong.
I really wanted to view this with an open mind. I mean, I'm 29...I can't expect these rich kids to have much to say other than "whatever". But it's hard to watch because there's just too many new characters, and not only do they all look the same, they're kind of ugly as well. They THINK they're hot...but they're not. Even the guys are kind of attractive if you quickly passed by them, but then when the camera gets close to their faces....eeek.

And I get that this is Celeb-Reality...not really scripted, not really reality...the first season seemed pretty genuine. This season it's pretty clear that someone is telling them "talk about this. Talk about that". Give me a frickin' break. We all know that teenagers don't wait until a few days after a minor event to say "hey, I invited that hot new guy to the party" or "so...are you going to the party tonight?"...

The key is that the "it" word for this generation is RANDOM. Or, more importantly, that's like, so random. Ummm, do you know what random means? Not everything in life is random. And, what kind of observation is that? "I ran into so and so today"
"Omg, that's like, so random"
Uh no kidding. If it wasn't planned, then it's a random assortment of people that you can meet in a given moment. That's not even an observation! it's not ANYTHING! It's you needing to say something to validate your friend's crappy story! You can't even say "OMG, that's like, so interesting" because it's NOT! So all you can say is..."that's so random"...

Listen, I needed something to fill the void left by Real World, but this isn't gonna cut it. Someone better give someone an STD real soon to make this a better show.

DVD Review: Saw II
Now let's start off by saying that Saw was a phenomenal movie. Don't tell me that you knew what the ending was. And it was creepy and gory and just effed up. Fantabulous.

The sequel...well you knew it couldn't be as good as the first. Which is fine. And it was pretty entertaining...and alotta gore...but the problem is, no one actually won any of the "games"...you know how in the first one a few people actually bit the bullet and did what they had to do in order to break free? No one in the sequal succeeded. So that was bit annoying.

Was it a good movie? ((shrug)) it was okay...kept the blood pulsing...but dont' expect it to be half as good as the first one. Only really worth watching 'cause maybe Saw 3 will be good.

In other news...
Drove to san diego Friday night. Not much to report on that other than that when I got there, i was pretty surprised with how much they've cleaned up downtown...it's no longer nasty. That being said, the stupid parking thing chewed up my $5...effing bastards.

In tv news
Dane Cook is SO NOT FUNNY. He reminds me of that UPS guy from Mad TV. And we know Jessica Simpson doesn't have an ounce of wit in her body, so this whole Teen Choice Awards thing lost my interest pretty fast. (Okay, I DVRed it so that I can see KFed's performance...which I heard wasn't that bad).

Seacrest out!

Interesting news...

Yeah, i know, i haven't written, brain has been elsewhere lately.

This was super interesting, figured i'd pass it on, how the police is using s/w to track down graffiti artists:
link

kah toe mah tay

Of cacti and memories of porn bunko videos

So finally i booked the timeshare thing that we had to use up asap...

Last week in October...
I didn't want to fly anywhere (cost of airfare, blah), and there wasn't much available on short notice 'cause i should have booked this ages ago but it's hard to plan so far in advance...

Resort in AZ...

AND...since allegedly Kraig's spot in Tahoe is equivalent to any size elsewhere, i booked the Delux Penthouse Villa:


Uhhh let's see if that's what we actually get....

KAH TOE MAHHH TAY!

!!!Flavvvaaaa Flaaaav!!!!

Just when you thought last night's episode couldn't get any better:
Only click if you're okay listening to stories of...liquid poop...

Combined with Celebrity Fit Club, I was in pure heaven yesterday.

And since I'm not afraid to humiliate myself on so many levels....Justin T's "SexyBack" drives me absolutely WILD. Which once again proves that i'm the most immature 28 (gulp almost 29) year old out there.

Ain't no other man

Yeah yeah, I know, copying music online is bad. Bad bad. And the instant I got engaged, I stopped all that crap 'cause i didn't want to be the first person to get (and then lose) a green card 'cause she downloaded musically illegally.

ohhh how I miss those Napster days.

But i scored a crisp copy of Christina Aguilera's album yesterday from a normal joe shmoe site...how could i NOT?

Ummm...well...turns out, it's not that great. So much for that. Too much blues and jazz. The victory is wasted.

In other news...
Still obsessed with my age and wrinkles.

This whole "stop worrying about it" isn't gonna cut it. If i worry about paying my bills, then at least they're nto only getting paid but i'm on TOP of finding ways to reduce them. Same thing with wrinkles.

Wrinkles have become my debt, and i want to keep that as low as possible, if at all.

Anyway so Dr. Rey was on the Adam Corolla show this morning, and seriously as creepy as Dr. Rey is...I dig that man. He was saying how last year the butt lift was the #1 procedure, now it's labiaplasty (i.e. making your female gonads prettier). And Adam was all "but it's one thing when it's your face and stuff people see..." and Dr. Rey is all "ahhh but swimsuits NOW are much thinner than back in the 70s...you can see things...what do you call it..." and everyone yelled "CAMELTOE!"...

This is a pretty valid point. Some chick he was saying had like 5 inches of her uhhh "inner lip" stretched out. That's effing NUTS.

I just don't want people to tell me i look good for my age. I want to look good for a college kid's age!

WS of PC

HILLMAN

How can you not get HILLMAN?!!

How can you get to the finale and not know HILLMAN COLLEGE?!?!?!?

How do you know the name of the diner in Pulp Fiction BUT NOT HILLMAN COLLEGE?!?!?!?

Those in the know...know what i'm talkin' about.

Countdown to D-Day...err...B-Day

Ahhh, apparently I"ve got my own ghetto bio on moby games:
Ghetto Bio

I was in the credits 'cause I did so much effing freebie editing of all their documents.

So i'm one week and one day away from my 29th birthday. And i'm actually having as hard of a time as I did on both my 20th birthday and 27th birthday (the first because of course the teen years are over, and 27 'cause I could no longer ride on the coattails of being 25).

It's not that being so close to 30 is what bugs me...

It's that your 20s are your last years of any real youth.

In your 30s, there's no question: your'e a grownup. All the dumbass behaviors that you did in your 20s require a little more discretion in your 30s and 40s.

And...really...I get it...age ain't nuthin' but a number. You're only as old as you feel. Blah blah. My fear is that i don't want to be 45 being told "wow you look great for your age".

I don't WANT to look great for my age. I want to look great for a 20 year old's age. So far i've been pretty blessed in that i do look a wee bit younger than I am (heck, 2 weeks ago at Nordstroms two teenage chicks and I were chatting about something retarded and they thought i was like 23...i was like "thank you!")...and i've always looked 5 years younger than I am...that being said, being 55 and looking 50 isn't as great as being 25 and looking 20.

I don't WANT anyone saying how I look for my age.

When i turned 20, I started buying wrinkle creams...becuase when i was 5, I had said to myself "when i get old, when i get 20, I'm gonna use creams like mom uses"...Of course, 20 isn't old...but I had hit that age that Mini Sabina thought was old.

I had then promised myself at 30 I would have the income where i could really justify the good crap...I adore Vinotherapie (red wine is good for the insides, it's gotta be good for the skin too), but mooching free samples from Sephora isn't gonna cut it anymore. And...yep...the Botox Fund...and before anyone flips, let me remind you that Botox is PREVENTATIVE...it's already too late when you have wrinkles.

Your skin is like a piece of paper...once it's folded, it's wrinkled, nothing you can do about it. You need to prevent it from folding inthe first place.

Turning 30 or 40 isn't so much the problem as much as say turning 60 or 80...at that point, you're happy to be ALIVE....I'm such a little brat, whenenver I see little old grannies applying their lipstick and stuff, part of me says "ass that's so sweet...no matter what, they're always looking nice for the world"...then there's that jackass part of me that's like "what does it matter? when you're 80 applying a coat of lipstick won't make a diff"....

My ultimate heroes are Barbara Eden ("I dream of Jeannie") and Loni Anderson...okay, I know they're had work done, but I think they look fantastic (for their age...well actually I think Loni looks better now than on WKRP).

I stood in line last year at the San Diego Comic Con not to get the chick who plays Elvira's autograph...i just wanted to know what moisturizer she uses (that woman looks phenomenal even when she's not all hootched up in black).

In the grand scheme of things, the two most important factors are genetics and the sun...

I guess my mom looks okay for her age, it's hard to tell 'cause she's my MOM...i see her the same way I did when Iwas a kid.

As for the sun...well I never suntanned alot when i was younger (if at all), I slathered on Ombrelle (Parsol 1789 baby!) growing up, and now I get my sunblock from Canada because it has Mexoryl.

That being said, when I scrunch or bunch up my face...the lines are taking TOO LONG to smooth out, if at all. There's one line on my forehead in particular that drives me nuts, and it's 'cause when i do my eye makeup i tend to wrinkle my forehead....

Yeah Wrinkle 1, i'm talkin' to you bitch. It's you and me. It's war. You just wait till I save up for Restylin (sp) to fill you up. Mooo hah ahahahahahaaa...

AND...that's just my issues with my FACE. Don't get me started on my hands or the marks elsewhere on my body.

Basically...I'm the cryptkeeper.

Hell's kitchen...MY kitchen

Although most of these pics have me in them (Kraig had the camera, clearly), in case anyone's bored and wants to see pics from Sat night...and yes in most of them i look like i'm having a seizure...
Sat NIght baby (no more photos and drinking!)

Kudos to Nicole D and her fantabulous hostessing skills. And her ability to turn cream cheese and rasberry chipotle sauce into CRACK.

So yesterday I had my resistance training with the 24HF trainer.
OH
MY
GOD

Let's just say....my ASS is in so much pain today (and get your head out of hte gutter, not for THAT reason!)

The only time i love MySpace

In case it's not clear, I hate myspace. more importantly, i hate 99.99999999999999% of the people on there, who are too retarded to make a decent page (hey jackasses, stick to the defaults. Your tiled backdrop and sparkly mouseovers are just as annoying as you are).

I know, i should shut up, but to me MySpace is almost like the McDonald's or 24HF of the internet world: something that brings society down, and yet, sorta needed.

Anyway, not the point.

The point is, i was perusing people from my highschool (since i got an email about a possible reunion) and came across this:
Orleans, Ontario Myspace

And now, i think i'm in love with myspace.

Maybe it's homesickness, i don't know, but seriously...that's effing AWESOME.

Check it:
The mall i used to work at


This is one of the streets you can take off the hwy (aka The Queensway...ther'es only one highway in Ottawa) to get to my parents/my house: link


This is the other road you can take to my parents' house...ther'es a Mac's Milk sign (it's like 7-11 but Canadian and has a cat as a logo)...when you exit the highway (err Queensway) you can still see the marks from where my friend Jason in college smashed up his car.link


And welcome to what winter was like growing up:

although i can't figure out what street that is, it's all a blur of glossy snow...

Holy crap, this seriously instills some homesickness!

The opposite gender is just EFFED UP

It has come to my attention...that if all the urinals are used up and a guy has to use a toilet, there's a chance he won't close the door. WHAT THE F*CK! That's effed up!
So I polled numerous guys (my husbandi ncluded), and got the following responses:

Q: If a dude goes to the bathroom and sees that all the ur1nals are taken, and they have to use the t0ilet, do they always close the door?

(I worded it this way, because if i said "do you close the door" of COURSE the guy is gonna tell me he does)

but we certainly do sometimes...
there is no rule here...


I do and most others do too, but not everyone.


not always...


Normally I’d wait for a ur1nal to open up… otherwise, I probably wouldn’t shut the door unless it tended to close on it’s own, then I’d close it just so it wouldn’t keep bumping me.
Or, I’d just go outside and use a tree…



Not always. They figure, since their back is towards the door, they don't care if someone walks in. It is a bit emberrassing to the guy walking in, but even I do it regularly.

I've seen both the door open and the door closed. I don't keep a running total though because I haven't seen it happen very often.


yes I would close the door
why not
i guess you wouldnt have to but if the option is there why not take it


this is a retarded convo started from something a chick mentioned to mea bout mens' bathrooms...

You know when you were 16 and you went shopping with your boyfriend and he went around buying clothes without trying them on? And how SHOCKED you were? And how you were like "but...but...don't you need to try it on? what if it doesn't fit?"...this is kinda like that.

And in case it's not clear:
teabagging is SOOOO gay.

(I have no problems with anything gay, i don't give a crap what people do, but if you're a straight guy don't tell me it's not a bit gay for you to put your nutsack on anotehr dude's fact...your shlong near an orifice is gay. If you dispute it, you might as well dispute that taking a shlong up your a$$ isn't gay either. It's okay...i have no problems with it...but apparently, straight guys do.)

Bizzee az ah "B"

Weekend wrap up...

Had my dear friend Jen come for a quick visit...that girl has this innate sense of how to navigate any unknown mall or store...it's like a 6th sense.

Thanks to a coworker I got awesome tix to the behind-the-scenes of Pageant of the Masters...pretty interesting. I got my culture on. Look at me, all knowledged and crap.

Got to finally check out that little martini place by my house Sat night:


Yes, i know at least one person thinks my smile looks fake. Suck it! We can't all be naturally beautiful (back awayyyy from the sarcasm stick).

Sunday vegged out on the beach...and by beach I mean Orange County's answer to the beach, the manmade wonder that even has unreal sand: Lake Mission Viejo.

Before driving Jen back to the airport...of course...had to check out the grand opening of the new Target at Spectrum! And yes, it was everything we dreamed it would be.

First off, they didn't cram everything in so you couldn't find crap. AND...since it was all new...OH MY GOD they actually had crap in stock. Like clothes in my size! Like shoes in my size! Do you know how rare it is to find size 5 shoes in stock at Target, let alone cute ones?

AND...since there's a Starbucks in there...they stock Tazo tea! I had a serious freak out right then and there. Discounted Tazo Tea is like...oh geezus...like a 13 year old boy logging into ClubTera for the first time. Seriously....FREAKING OUT.

Plus this location has a boatload of groceries...you're pretty much set if you go there after work and head straight home. I"m surprised they didn't have a deli counter. Not enough red shirts i guess.

Oh check it...they even have fancy ergonomic shopping baskets. Blow your mind i tell you!



In other news...
Seriously
seriously
SERIOUSLY

I want to go on The World Series Of Pop Culture. Now i know my flaws...i'm actually pretty bad with pre-1980 movies ('cause i wasn't always into this stuff and in between my tv schedule, i just can't keep up with backdated movies) and pre-1990 hip hop songs (like seriously, i know jack about Beastie Boys)...but anything celeb news-related...reality show related...random tv show related (except Brady Bunch, dang they ask alot of brady bunch-related questions!), i'm a crazy mofo answering machine. You have to be, if you're going to be screaming at the TV (topic: Live from NY) that Turd Ferguson is BURT REYNOLDS on Celebrity Jeopardy! COME ON!

I can't believe the contestants didn't know who's known as the Butterscotch Stallion ..pfft...amateurs!!

Yeah, i can talk a mean game...but it IS way easier when you're reading the question at home with no pressure.

BIGGEST IDIOT day

Have you ever had a day where you realize how much you've screwed up? Or how much you really truly are a moron?

First off, I paid my home equity bill ($768) 2 weeks ago. ANd then dumbass Bank of America sends me an e-bill thing, and it says it's due tomorrow. (this was a few days ago). So i freak out, pay it, and then panic that because it takes TWO days to go through there'll be a late payment charge.

THEN...wehn i look at my statements to get the customer service number to beg them not to ding us, i see that I paid it two weeks ago! So what they do is then apply it to the principal. I'm doing interest only, i don't WANT it to go tot he principal. And when i checked my BoA account (to see if i could cancel in time), it was too late. Mother effer.

Secondly...

So last year at the San Diego Comic Con i bought 2 of these "General Grievous Character Keys"...kind of a cool small pic of that star wars guy drawn by a dude from the cartoon network. Effing $40 each. But if you made a purchase over $50, you could get a picture done by Craig McCracken (the guy who draws the Powerpuff GIrls)...it was the end of the day, and since I bought 2 they let me get TWO pictures by Craig...(note to self: effing frame those PowerPuff Girls drawings he did! Plus MojoJojo).

Well when I got home I stored one away to keep, the other one with the intention to sell on ebay. Well i must have stored that one away REALLy well 'casue I can't effing find it, and NOW look how much each one is worth:
Sucker is going for double!

I would search like crazy this weekend but Jen is in town. Kraig's going to Comic Con this weekend so i'm gonna scope out today what's of value and get him to pick some stuff up...yeah, i know, i'm actually getting sucked in. It happens every now and then...i get hyped up over this stuff so that we can sell it on ebay, but then somehow we end up keeping alot of the items. Not good. In fact, i need to remember to sell the special edition princess lea i bought last year.

In other comic con news, i'm actually pretty impressed with the Lost Figures...Kate and Shannon look a bit weird, but the rest of them look fantastic. Hurley and Locke are pretty incredible. I just want the Charlie one.
Or should I say, "chahhh-lee"...

Anyway, that's pretty much it for today...sorry, no witty or retarded comments to bring light to your dreary day!

MVH!!

Some celeb gossip...

Ashlee Simpson and her new nose...she looks pretty and all, but...I kinda miss the Old Ashlee. If you ever watched her reality show then you'd know she wasn't the type to give a crap about clothing and wasn't afraid to make fun of herself. For God's sakes, she dressed up as a Fat Bastard type for hallowe'en...whereas her sister dressed like Chrissy from 3's Company...

So it's interesting that now she's all miss sexy thang...

As for her sister, what can I say, i'm fickle. Really, i'm on Team Lachey. I really am. But i caught MTV's Making The Video and i really kinda dig Jessica's new song. Plus i like Christina Applegate and Eva Longoria. And Andy Dick is effing hilarious in it. So...i can hate the girl but still kinda dig her music.

I do also realize that I sound like the most immature almost-29-year-old out there.

In other depressing news, it seems Alanis and Ryan Reynolds may be back together.
English Bay, Vancouver, last Tuesday, Ryan and Alanis are frolicking on the lawn, he rolled on top of her at one point, they were kissing, surrounded by their dogs, still very much a couple. I’m also following up on a tip that they are currently traveling together and will keep you posted on that front.
If I had that dude around, we sure as hell wouldn't be "frolicking"...and he'd probably end up going home in an ambulance. That boy is delicious on so many levels.

In other life news...

I wonder what % of guys would actually get married if say 100% of chicks never "required" it or even cared for it. Like if a chick was willing to just be with a dude, have kids, buy a house, all that stuff, even without a state marriage license. How many guys would then propose? i.e. how many guys really, truly, absolutely, WANT to get married because they want to, not at all because they feel they should, have to, or because it's what the chick wants?

And...by that same notion...

If there wasn't an expiration date on women's eggs...and we could have healthy babies right into our 90s...would chicks get married as soon as they generally do? I know of a few people who have kids (or are planning to have kids) because the chick is getting older...not that they don't want kids at ALL, but that if you could have a healthy baby at like 50, then they'd wait till 50. I'm starting to wonder how many chicks agree to marry dudes not because they really truly think they found "the one", but because this is their last ditch effort before it starts to get risky to have kids.

Mother nature...she's a bitch.

In lighter news, Avril Lavigne's wedding photos on Canada.com are absolutely gorgeous. Girl's got taste. Or at least, Girl's Wedding Coordinator's got taste. Even the bridesmaids dresses are super nice (and could be worn again...what do you expect with Vera?).

Do guys notice if chicks have small stumpy boy feet the way chicks notice that stuff?
If i shave Stash, will he be cooler with less hair or will he get HOTTER because now the heat can directly get to him? (My guess is the former, but the latter seems to be somewhat logical too).

It's been awhile now that i've had my Scrubbling Bubbles automatic shower cleaner and I gotta admit...that sucker is pretty nifty. In 2 months i've only had to clean the shower once (and i didn't "need" to, I just felt like i probably should at that point). Good investment, but the refills run out pretty quick. If you're not a lazy mofo like I am, just get the spray bottle and do it yourself for way less.
Since when is it okay to say "titties" on tv?

Seriously. The damage I would do to Ryan Reynolds...he'd be lucky if he still had his limbs...damn you Alanis. Damn you....

Damn me for having a bagel this morning. Now i just want to nap for a few hours.

Eee Vee Oh Oh

I was reading a celebrity gossip site and it was talking about Rachel Ray and had room for comments...someone wrote this, and even though I dig Rachel Ray (she may be annoying, but she's got a fantastic career path) i have to admit this is the highlight of my day (if you watch 30 Min Meals, then you know why this is funny):

She should care about her weight, because she's not cool like Paula Deen or Ina Garten. And she should stop mixing ground beef with her wedding rings on. And she should stop wearing orange eyeshadow. And she should shut the fuck up and stop drinking. And she should shove her sammies into her bra. And she should stop putting fire roasted tomatoes and chipotle peppers in every-fucking-thing.

Although uhhh...Ina Garten is the most boring tv personality ever. Paula Deen rocks my effing world. WHen i grow up, i want to be Paula!

Good advice

From Glamour:

If you are....
5'3 or under...carry a bag no bigger than a shoebox
5'4 to 5'7....carry a bag no bigger than a laptop
5'8 or more...carry a bag as big as you want

Why does it seem like everyone's divorcing? Or is it just when you're married that you notice this stuff now? Carmen Electra and Dave Navarro? Christie Brinkley and Mr. 4th Husband?

You know the general progression of life...you graduate high school...you graduate college...you work...you either buy a place and/or you get engaged (it seems like everyone i know got engaged at the same time), then everyone starts having babies...i'm waiting for when people I know start to get divorced and then get onto Marriage #2....

And...

When you go to lunch with someone and they leave for a second to get a to-go box, and then some birds attempt to attack their leftovers, do you tell your friend? Or is there a 5 second rule that applies to when birds attempt to jack stuff off a plate?

Celebrity face recognition

Ha ha haaa...

So i FINALLY went on that website (My Heritage Dot Com) where you put in your photo and it tells you celebrities that look like you...

I put in a photo from Ryan's wedding (i.e doesn't even look like me AND i'm wearing grey contacts)...

I match with Adriana Lima by 72%! Woo hoo! Sadly my highest match is Enya (73%) and Susan Sarandon (73%).

If i were a dude I'd match Anthony Kiedis by 74%! That's effing hilarious.

Using the photo that's here on this blog on the right, I match Selma Blair with 67%.

What's amazing about this site is that it'll find the face in the photo for you...pretty amazing, so far it hasn't gotten anything wrong. if you have other peoplei n the picture it'll match everyone up in one shot.

Damn this is addictive.

I did a photo with no makeup from Disneyland...i matched Penelope Cruise (70%), Sofia Coppola (which i've heard before a billion times), Kristin Kreuk (67%), and Angelina Jolie at 63%.

This might possibly be the most addictive thing next to Lemonadegam.com, awfulplasticsurgery.com, and heroin.

Jacob Two Two

Two things today...

ONE: In case you ever wanted to see D-List celebs (if you would even call them that) and their MySPace pages Link

TWO:
You just can't get any funnier than this (props to Kim for sending this forward...i get so many crap forwards, this one was good):
LOS ANGELES HIGH SCHOOL MATH PROFICIENCY EXAM

NAME____________________

GANG/CREW NAME______________ CRIB_________________

1. Ramone has an AK-47 with a 30 round clip. He usually misses
6 out of every 10 shots and he uses 13 rounds per drive-by shooting.
How many drive-by shootings can Ramone attempt before he has to reload?

2. Otis has 2 ounces of cocaine. If he sells an 8 ball to Antonio for
$320 and 2 grams to Juan for $85 per gram, what is the street value of
the rest of his hold?

3. Rufus pimps 3 ho's. If the price is $85 per trick, how many tricks
per day must each ho turn to support Rufus's $800 per day crack habit?

4. Dave wants to cut the pound of cocaine he bought for $40,000 to
make 20% profit . How many ounce bags will he need to make to obtain
the 20% profit?

5. Desmond gets $200 for a stolen BMW, $150 for stealing a Corvette,
and $100 for a 4x4. If he steals 1 BMW, 2 Corvettes and 3 4x4's, how
many more Corvettes must he steal to have $900?

6. Tom got 6 years for murder. He also got $10,000 for the hit.
If his common-law wife spends $100 of his hit money per month, how much
money will be left when he gets out?

7. If an average can of spray paint covers 22 square feet and the
average letter is 3 square feet, how many letters can be sprayed with 3
eight ounce cans of spray paint with 20% paint left over?

8. Tyrone knocked up 3 girls in the gang. There are 27 girls in his
gang. What is the exact percentage of girls Tyrone knocked up?

9. LaSheena is a lookout for the gang. L aSheena also has a Boa
Constrictor that eats 3 small rats per week at a cost of $5 per rat. If
LaSheena makes $700 week as a lookout, how many weeks can she feed the
Boa on one week's income?

10. Marvin steals Joe's skate board. As Marvin skates away at
15 mph, Joe loads his 357 Magnum. If it takes Joe 20 seconds to load
his piece, how far away will Marvin be when he gets whacked?

The twins

Wow...time does alotta things...

Remember when the Olsen twins were attractive young ladies?
Memory Lane

You know, I bet this is their ultimate last laugh...all the creepy guys with countdown timers to when they would be legal...

And then they turned nasty ugly...Ashley's not so bad but she dresses so bizarre and Mary Kate is one step away from being the wealthiest bag lady ever...with all that money you'd think they'd invest in a BRUSH. I bet they decided that as soon as they turned 18 they were gonna be the ultimate turn-off still, so that either way...it would be just WRONG to jack off to them.

no makeup

Oh thank you thank you thank you to the paparazzi world...

Eva Longoria Without Makeup

Not that she looks BAD...but she just looks NORMAL....

Random gripes and thoughts

So much to get to today...

First off, go Adam!
Adam Corolla hangs up

Movie Reviews

Superman
Let's get a few things straight. I really didn't care if I saw this on the IMAX or not. And since I did see it on IMAX, this movie had to blow me away just to justify the extra few bucks.

AND...the fact we stood in line for 2 frickin' hours on a Friday night.

I'm also not a huge Superman fan...i mean, i grew up with Christopher Reeve and all, but i was like 1 when the first movie came out.

Okay, onto the movie...

It blew me away. Heck, the opening credits (well, on a big screen IMAX anyway) is worth the cost of the movie ticket alone.

Brandon Routh is phenomenal. You can imagine him being emotionally vulnerable as Clark Kent with a comedic twist...and when he's Superman, he's effing hot as hell (they put blue contacts in during certain scenes). He is perfect for this role. Which means he better go find another movie asap so he's not typecast.

Kate Bosworth annoys me in general, and I didn't think I'd like her in this movie (WTF is up with her hair? And that high forehead?!)...but she did indeed do a good job as well. I didn't think I would believe her as a mature mother type, but she pulled it off.

Kevin SPacey...well, he's Kevin Spacey. I think he's great, but the whole time i looked at his bald head i kept thinking about Usual Suspects.

The real scene stealer is Parkey Posey...she deserves a gold medal for carrying this movie.

I NEVER buy movies on DVD...but this one i probably will.

Just Friends
Yeah I know, this has been out forever but I saw it on DVD last week so I figured i'd add to the commentary.

Ryan Reynolds is like the white Will Smith...he plays the same guy in every movie/tv show...but we LIKE that guy, so no one has any complaints.

Ryan Reynolds Rocks My World.

As does Anna Faris...has she ever done a bad movie?! All i gotta say is...she should get an Oscar for the toothpaste scene. I don't think i've laughed so hard in my life.

Pirates of the Carribean: Dead Man's Chest
Listen, you can't go wrong with Jack Sparrow. Johnny Depp is brilliant no matter what. I could watch a movie with Jack Sparrow eating McDonald's, he's THAT good.

That being said, this movie had alot to live up to...and it didn't go the distance.

First off, it's effing long. LONG. Like 3 hours of my life wasted long.

which wouldn't be so bad...if they didn't make it a "to be continued" type of movie. So you leave the theater with NO resolution. It was frustrating. I mean, you're better off just renting p2 before you go see p3 when that's released in the theaters. This is why movie producers shouldn't be allowed to make movies/sequels back-to-back...

As great as the special effects were, there was just too much of it.

AND...the old dude (aka "dead man who owns the chest in question") ripped his heart out and put it in the chest...who gives a crap? Why would you rip your heart out for a girl or the sea? And then bury it? And keep a key? Like wtf...if it's that important how about keeping the heart INSIDE YOU where it belongs? And they never explained why the entire crew of the Flying Dutchman was doomed to become coral/nature...

And I'm officially annoyed with Keira Knightley (sp?)...i loved her in Bend It Like Beckham and even Pride & Prejudice...but at this rate I just wanted to scream at her to get some orthodontic work done. Why do British people have such bad effing teeth?

Anyway, it's an okay movie...but I could have stood to rent it. I think most people i've spoken to agree that Superman was a MUCH better movie.

/end of movie reviews.

In other random babbling news....

1. David Spade and his Showbiz Show are officially the highlights of my weekend.

2. If Sonya the Black Widow can be the 3rd highest rated eater and she's 100lbs, effing right I can win one of the usual stupid bets i make with my coworkers.

3. In N Out from the truck is NOT the same as in the restaurant. It just isn't. It may still be tasty, but nowhere NEAR as tasty as from the chain.

4. Now i'm hungry.

5. Last night at the gym they had one of the TVs set to Telemundo...it was showing The River Wild (Kevin Bacon)...even in spanish that movie is FANTASTIC, and Meryl Streep is a rowing mofo....i really should buy it on DVD.

6. I absolutely can't STAND that stupid Rhianna song "Murderer"...it has NO rhythm, the lyrics are retarded (uhhh if you don't want to hurt your boyfriend...then stop boning another dude. wtf. or dump him. just shut your effing mouth), and she sounds like a dying goat the entire song. I like her fast stuff but dang, this girl can't sing to save her soul.

7. I'm addicted to this Albertsons Diet Orange 'naturally flavored soda' crap.

8. Why the eff am i so tired lately? I slept ALL sunday...and slept ALL last night...if that's beauty sleep, then i better start looking like miss effing america...

Okay, that's all kids :)

I still hate myspace...

But since this is MY blog and it's all about ME and MY thoughts...suck it...i need to take a nap but i'm too lazy to get off this chair and Marmalade keeps jumping on me trying to convince me to feed her yet AGAIN...


1. WOULD YOU GET BACK WITH YOUR LAST EX IF YOU COULD?
nope.

2.WHAT KIND OF SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING?
white wife beater

3. WOULD YOU KISS ANYONE ON YOUR FRIEND'S LIST?
sure

4. DO YOU HAVE "A THING" FOR ANYONE ON YOUR TOP FRIEND?
I can't remember who's on my top friend list

5. HOW MANY PEOPLE ON YOUR LIST DO YOU KNOW IN REAL LIFE?
most if not all

6. HOW MANY KIDS DO YOU WANT TO HAVE?
ideally, 4

7. DO YOU HAVE A GOOD RELATIONSHIP WITH BOTH YOUR PARENTS?
Kinda yeah...better than it was before!

9. WHAT NAME WOULD YOU WANT TO HAVE BESIDES THE ONE YOU HAVE?
I used to like the "ica" names...veronica...jessica...now, for all the people that eff mine up, i'd love Jennifer, Jane, Kate...you can't screw those up....

10. WOULD YOU EVER MAKE OUT WITH SOMEONE OF THE SAME SEX?
Depends if they were attractive and if my Husband were okay with it...and if she brushed her teeth.

12. WHAT DID YOU DO FOR YOUR LAST BDAY?
worked...went to BJs at lunch...had a combo birthday later in the month with nicole d and carrie...

14. WHAT TIME DID YOU WAKE UP TODAY?
6:45 blah

15. WHAT WERE YOU DOING AT MIDNIGHT TWO NIGHTS AGO?
flipping channels on the tv

17. DO YOU LIKE HAVING YOUR HAIR PULLED?
Depends who's pulling it and why they're pulling...

18. NAME SOMETHING YOU CAN'T WAIT TO DO?
- organize my My Little Pony cabinet (suck it!)
- finally create my Chex Mix report
- fix my master bathroom (so i can stop saying the stains on the carpet are permanent blah blah)
- clear out the spare bedroom
- RETIRE!!!

19. LAST TIME YOU SAW YOUR MOM?
Memorial Day 2005

20. WHAT IS ONE THING YOU WISH YOU COULD CHANGE ABOUT YOURSELF?
Let's go over what i WOULDN"T change....umm...i like my nails/hands (when i actually do them all pretty)...so...whatever else remains should answer that!

22. IF YOU HAD $250,000...HOW WOULD YOU SPEND IT?
$99K: pay off 2nd mortgage
$10K: animal organizations/shelters
$30K: get myself a decent frickin' car
$5K: go to Italy
$5K: go shopping in Italy
$5K: go with my mom to Austria
$5K: donate to whatever religious stuff my dad wants
$40K: for friends
$10K: in a fund for my niece's college
The rest: plastic surgery fund and/or retirement....


23. HAVE YOU EVER TALKED TO TOM?
uh no

24. DESCRIBE WHAT COLOR UNDERWEAR ARE YOU WEARING?
baby blue

27. WHATS YOUR FAVORITE MONTH?
September...countdown to all the holidays and crap...but it also makes me sad, makes me think of back to school like flipping a calendar over....

28. YOUR LEAST FAVORITE MONTH?
January...no holidays until end of May....

29. WHAT'S THE LAST PIECE OF CLOTHING YOU BORROWED FROM SOMEBODY?
i seriously can't remember. I can't even remember when i borrowed a jacket. Geezus. The last thing I can remember is the jacket I borrowed from Stefanie in May '05 when we waited in line for star wars.

30. WHO IS GETTING ON YOUR NERVES RIGHT NOW?
myself. i need that nap.

31. MOST VISITED WEBPAGE?
geezus...probably Oh No They Didn't or msnbc.com or Alien Loves Predator or my email....


32. LAST PERSON YOU TEXT MESSAGED?
Kelly about whether or not Beyonce and Jay Z broke up....

33. LAST PERSON TO MAKE YOU SAD?
now that, will remain a secret...this person knows who he/she is...

34. WOULD YOU TAKE A BULLET FOR YOUR MOM?
Of course! And then my mom would lecture me about how I blocked her wrong.

35. FAVORITE KIND OF DRINK?
Right now, the generic walmart brand of Grape crystal light.

36. FAVORITE FOOD?
POUTINE SUCKA!

36. FAVORITE DESERT?
doughnuts mmughgngngngn....

38. HAVE YOU BEEN TO EUROPE?
When i was little

39. IF SOMEONE YOU HATED DIED, WHAT WOULD YOU DO?
Feel really bad for the people close to said hated person.

40.IF YOU ANSWERED ALL THESE HONESTLY REPOST:
yeah thanks.

if yer bored

Link to pics

KAH TOE MAH TAY!

Of needles, bandaids, and code Pink

Spent Monday night in the ER till 2:30am.

Why?

Because I'm an idiot.

The best part was when Chris (kraig's friend) was trying to tell me there was alot of blood in the sink and I was all "no, that's just salsa"...ummm no turns out, it was blood...

Glutton for punishment

I'm sure i'm going to regret this...

But I'm writing my first ever Video Game user's guide (I don't want to say the name of the game until after it's published)...i guess that's kinda cool, making something that's gonna be in the XBox or PSX game case....

Uh the problem? It's due August 15th. AAaaack....

This deserves a frickin' medal

''You were in Baghdad for six hours! And you weren't even in the real Baghdad — you were in the Green Zone. That's like going to the Olive Garden and saying you've been to Italy.''
JON STEWART, REACTING TO PRESIDENT BUSH'S TOUTING HIS TRIP TO IRAQ, ON THE DAILY SHOW

Here comes Santa Clause, right down Santa Clause lane....

Oh my GOD this thing is so hypnotic:

http://www.wherethehellismatt.com/ click on the video...

In other news, is everyone DYING for the frickin' holiday? I can't believe I'm gonna have a 6-day weekend. It's been eons since I had a week off work...i'm already mentally in vacation mode, I came into work dressed like a mother frickin' slob.

If you haven't seen Britney's Bazaar pics, you'll be amazed with the wonders of airbrushing...wtf!
Britney's Naked Pregnancy Pics

So on the agenda for the next few days with my Canadian guest:
Friday: Superman at the Imax
Saturday: Shakespeare in the park, then Laguna Beach to celebrate Canada Day
Sun: maybe go to san diego, not sure
Mon: beach during the day, get our bbq groove on with people at night
Tues: this is iffy...i want to go to Lake Mission Viejo, but they don't let guests in until after 6. Last year we snuck in Carrie, but I don't think they'll be so kind unless I've got a cute blond with me again.
Wed: maybe the getty?
Thurs: shopping/beach day

In fact, there's not enough beach time in that agenda...plus I wanted to get my Festival of teh Arts/Pageant of the Masters on...and of course, you gotta take out of towners to the OC Flea Market...that's just riot...oh and Kraig wanted to take him to Venice Beach and Santa Monica...

So much touristy stuff, so little time!

And finally....

I finally took down ALL the Xmas holiday cards that I had hanging out up outside of my cube...it was my Silent Protest Against Christmas....if you like your holiday so damn much, you can stare at it all year! Well i told people it would stay up for exactly 6 months...so yeah, i finally took them down. Pretty sad actually, I can't believe 2006 is half over. To top it off, I think people have been stealing my holiday cards...there was ALOT less by June than there was in January.

KAHHH TOE MAHHH TAYYYY!!!

Nicole's Birthday Pics

Ahhhh great minds think alike...just a note, yes I got my dress at Target...suck it!


Click here for pics

Vegas June 2006

Ready for a night out:


Click here for the pics

Heh heh better view 'em before Jen and Wendy yell at me to take the link down...

Nooz you can Yooz

WTF is wrong with the world today?

All in one weekend...Aaron Spelling, Jon Benet Ramsey's mom, and E. Pierce Marshall (if you're a true entertainment gossip fan, you'll know right off the bat who that last guy is)...crazy!

Other random news for you:

Man with 10-year erection awarded $400,000

Malfunctioning penile implant is painful and can't be removed

This is so, so sad:
Is it time for a Bye Bye Barbie?

With sales slumping, some say it's time to write iconic doll's obituary

How is this NEWS? Any chick could have told you this:
Many teenage girls feel pressured into sex

Survey finds young women give in out of fear of angering boyfriend

Just...interesting...

Powering up Tomorrowland

Earthlink is betting on urban Wi-Fi — and Anaheim

Another potential new market is lower-income Anaheim residents who can't afford broadband or a standard cell phone. Betty expects to offer them unlimited calling from anywhere in Anaheim to anywhere in the U.S. for around $25 per month.
Or I could call anywhere in the US for FREE....wtf...unlimited nationwide calling from your cell phone provider...but I find it interesting that this is the first ever "big city" Wi-Fi-ification (hmm i should trademark that) and they picked the frickin' GHETTO.

Goodall opposes AIDS research on monkeys

Primate expert urges government to reject use of endangered animals
Jane Goodall is like, the Chimp Pimp (dang i really need to start trademarking these terms!)...don't be messin' with her. If I were president and Jane Goodall told me to fire everyone and hire chimps, I'd do it. If Jane Goodall told me to step down as president and hire a Chimp President, I'd do it.

Once again, any chick could tell you this:
Killer fashion: Looking good never hurt so bad

Tortured toes, sprains and chafing make ER bracelets the new accessory
First off, it can't be as bad as the corset days. There's just no way.
Thong-induced infections, puncture wounds from underwire bras, tortured toes from stilettos — why do women put up with this stuff?
First off...wtf....thong-induced infections?!! I don't know what those are, but that's effy NASTY. Secondly, I've never had a puncture would from a bra but yeah, i've worn bad cheap underwire bras that end up digging into your skin soooo bad. Actually, I wore a victoria's secret strapless bra tonight and the instant I got into my car I practically drove into traffic trying to rip that thing off. THe most painful $50 I've ever spent.

If you have an old bra that you're going to throw out, cut it open and check out the wire...you would be AMAZED with how deformed those things get.


KAH TOE MAH TAYYYY!!!

Spellling Bee

FAREWELL: Famed TV producer Aaron Spelling died Friday at his home in Los Angeles at age 83. The man behind Charlie's Angels, Beverly Hills, 90210, Love Boat, 7th Heaven and so many others had suffered a stroke June 18.

DANG. I mean...DANG. A few thoughts...

1. He was only 83? He looked like the cryptkeeper or something.

2. So you know how rich kids always say "I'M not rich, my parents are, that doesn't mean I am!"...well now Tori can say she's rich.

3. Maybe this will frickin' finally get 90210 released on DVD. I'm SICK of waiting. If you can get flippin' Doogie Howser on DVD...you should be able to get 90210.

4. Do you think Shannen Doherty's gonna show up to the funeral?

Unrelated: yep, my Best Buy scam worked.

Some random questions...

Random questions...feel free to answer in the Comments section or not...

1. It is possible to love two people at once?
2. Are there rights of passage that EVERYONE has to experience?
3. What influences you more on your the choice of your mate...mother or father?
4. Is shaving cream better than cheap conditioner when shaving your legs? And if you're a dude, have you ever thought to try the cheap Suave stuff to shave your face?
5. Has anyone ever thought back to their first love or first relationship and thought that that's what molded them into the relationshi pthey have today?

6. Is it possible to change who you are, or do you think if you're This Type Of Person, you're mostly likely going to be that way for life?

7. What lipglosses don't chap lips?

8. Why do people read blogs? Why do people frickin' read THIS blog?

9. Is Jessica Alba the new Angelina Jolie? And was Eva Longoria in the running for that spot ever?

10. If you're a chick, what's the max you can justify spendingo n a purse?

11. If you're a chick, how much do you lie to your spouse about how much the purse cost?

12. Do guys ever lie about the cost of stuff?

13. If dudes have dude roommates...do they ever care about their roommate hearing what's going on behind closed doors?

14. Do dudes every do their uhh "by themselves" (aka RIGHTY lol) business on their couch or is that strictly bed-only?

15. Does anyone who wears contacts use the old skool kind of solution that burns the f*ck out of your eye and you need to let it soak overnight?

16. Am I the only one that thinks Foo Fighter's BEST OF YOU is the most amazing song EVERRRR? Okay maybe not ever, but best song for 2005-2006 when you just need to let off some steam?

17. True or false: women generally OVERthink thinks, men generally don't give a crap and tend to UNDERthink things...

18. Do people ever get over their hearts being broken? I mean, REALLY? I mean, my first boyfriend f*cked me over so bad, I can tell you that over a decade later if I saw him it wouldn't take even a split second before i jumped on him and started pounding him (i fantasized for years about bashingh im with a crowbar. FANTASIZED. If i lived in Canada, i'd probably have a crowbar in my car for that chance meeting). And that being said, do all the loves in one's life really make that much of a difference overall?

19. Am I the only one who changes when they come home from work into comfy clothes? I don't care if you wore jeans anda tshirt to work, do you change out of them into massively comfy clothes?

20. Can people truly control their emotions? Are you hurt because you're hurt...and you can't control that...or because you WANT to hurt? Are you angry becuase you want to be angry or because you can't help being angry?

20b. If you feel you CAN control feelings, can you control love and hate? Can you control who you love, or does that just "happen"? Can you control whether you hate someone or is it so deep inside that no matter how hard you try, you still hate that person?



Okay...no more deep thoughts. My brain is thinking about a lot of random, RANDOM crap today. I think I just need a nap :P

Le scam....

Since i paid over $700 for the 24HF membership...

Karma better effing be on my side when i pull my Best Buy scam after work today...and really, this is only in retaliation to the scam they pulled on ME. I wouldn't HAVE to scam them if one jackass hadn't effed me over.

Ka toe mah tay!

Missing the point...

Okay so y'all are missing the point of my canadian gripe.

GIFT CARDS are what I wanted to buy. It's not that i CANT buy a cuisineart...but taht being said, i don't want to buy an actual item because housewares/wedding gifts aren't something really that people can buy unless you see the people all the time (I've never been to this friend's place in Toronto, i have no idea what she has).

My point is...you can't buy an effing gift card online for 99% of the stores in Canada that most people shop at. And yes, i COULD buy a Bay gift card, but that's my point...that's only one of the few and I have no desire to really give a Bay gift card, to be quite honest if I can avoid it.

AND...i know i can get OTHERS in canada to send it, but that's so impersonal...i have a card, i'd like to send the card along WITH the gift...

I shouldn't have to do that. If Best Buy, HOme Depot, Williams SOnoma, etc all allow gift card purchases through their US sites, then wtf you should be able to do the same thing with the Canadian sites. Geezus it's all the same back end technology.

As for Amazon.ca ...they don't really have as many "free shipping over $25" options as the US site, and I don't want my friends to be stuck buyin stuff that won't cost alot to ship (because then that's the exact same problem that i have here trying to ship stuff without paying too much).

Focus people: i just want a frickin' gift card, and I want Canada to actually leap into 21st century.

It's all good though...Evan's hooking me up with my gift card to Best Buy.....

Oh Canada!

So no big surprise, I'm Canadian.
Suck it.

I've been fantasizing about getting one of those "Made in Canada" tattoos, which everyone in Canada has...but well obviously I'm not in Canada so that might be kinda cool. Minus the Hep-C fear. And minus that I think tattoos look pretty crappy after a few years (no offense to people who have them). Minus that I go through hell and a half to AVOID scarring my skin.

Anyway buying gifts for my friends in Canada for birthdays or whatever is SUCH a pain. Usually because everything I send I have to factor in the cost of shipping. I can't just mail some big bulky $30 item and then pay $20 for shipping...that's retarded.

Or even if i get something else that's small, if it's pricey then I'd wantt o insure it. Well THEN my friends get taxed on it in Canada, and I think it's dumb to send something that's going to make them pay money just to get it from the post office.

Right now I'm having a bitch of a time with a friend in Toronto's wedding gift. She didn't register, and she doesn't want a gift, but she can suck it...I adore her, she's getting a flippin' gift.

BUT...with registries, i don't know what she would need and I"m not paying to mail a frickin' Cusineart food processor if it turns out she'll never use it or has one already.

So...now you're thinking..."Hey beotch, shut yer pie hole and just get her a gift card".

Riigghtt.

Canada is apparently too ghetto for online gift card shopping. So far the only stores I've found that have gift cards available for online purchase are The Bay, Sears, and Canadian Tire.

The Bay is alright...probably what I'll end up doing...but it's more of a "mom" kind of place to shop. It's like...Macy's I guess...so you COULD buy housewares there, but you wouldn't think to do that.

Sears...well in Canada it's not half as ghetto as it is in the US, but I think they bought out Eatons and both of them are bankrupt so I don't want to even risk that. Plus they only allow for specific denominations, none in the category that I want to spend (I suppose I could combine a few to make the dollar amount, but taht would be kinda tacky).

Canadian Tire...well that would be okay if they lived in a house right now but they don't...and I can't even remember what I ever went in there for. (No, they don't just sell tires. It's kinda like...OSH...mixed with automotive stuff).

HOme Depot...they don't even mention gift cards ANYWHERE on their site. They have suggestions for gifts...no gift cards. Do a search for "gift card"...and the search comes up with nothing. WTF.

Heck, I even checked out Walmart's Canadian site. No gift cards. Plus, if you want to do a search you have to search within each department, you can't search the entire site. That's effing annoying as dirt.

What I really wanted was either Best Buy or Williams Sonoma...ummm wtf. Williams Sonoma's canadian website is so useless, and you can't buy gift cards. Flippin' Best Buy's website lets you buy stuff online...but apparently gift cards can only be purchased in store. WTF! Is it THAT hard to ship?!!

Maybe there are laws about buying gift cards online, I don't know...but you'd think for any organization that is the #1 easiest thing to sell and ship online.

I have never been so flippin' annoyed in my life.

In the end, I'll probably ask Evan (dude!!! if you're reading this...) to pick up one for me, bring it with him next week, so that I can write up a nice wedding card and mail it back to Canada.

C'mon Canada...you whine that the US doesn't notice you, that you really are powerful deep down inside...uhhh, how about you learn some technological advances and ALLOW ONLINE GIFT CARD PURCHASES WTF!!!

FYI: No, I don't say "eh". I've said it like ONCE in my life.

FYI p2: KA TOE MAH TAY!! ha haaaa

Geography of a woman

I got this as an email forward which i HATE email forwards, but this one is perfect...

GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN:
>
>Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa, half
>discovered, half wild, naturally beautiful with
>fertile soil.
>
>Between 23 and 30, a woman is like America, well
>developed and open to trade especially for someone
>with cash.
>
>Between 31 and 35, a woman is like India, very hot,
>relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.
>
>Between 36 and 40, a woman is like France, gently
>aging but still warm and a desirable place to visit.
>
>Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain, with
>a glorious and all conquering past.
>
>Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Yugoslavia, lost
>the war and haunted by past mistakes.
>
>Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Russia, very wide
>and borders are now unpatrolled.
>
>After 70, she becomes Tibet: wildly beautiful, with a
>mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages....only
>those with an
>adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual
>knowledge visit there.
>
>
>GEOGRAPHY OF MEN:
>
>Between 1 and 80, a man is like Iraq - ruled by a
>dick.

She's a maneater

The song of the moment is Nelly Furtado's Maneater...effing AWESOME song...

Everybody look at me, me
I walk in the door you start screaming
Come on everybody what chu here for?
Move your body around like a nympho
Everybody get your necks to crack around
All you crazy people come on jump around
I want to see you all on your knees, knees
You either want to be with me, or be me!

[Chorus]
Maneater, make you work hard
Make you spend hard
Make you want all, of her love
She's a maneater
make you buy cars
make you cut cords
make you fall, fall in love
She's a Maneater, make you work hard
Make you spend hard
Make you want all, of her love
She's a maneater
make you buy cars
make you cut cords
Wish you never ever met her at all!

[Verse 2]
And when she walks she walks with passion
when she talks, she talks like she can handle it
when she asks for something boy she means it
even if you never ever seen it
everybody get your necks to crack around
all you crazy people come on jump around
you doing anything to keep her by your side
because, she said she love you, love you long time!

[Chorus]
Maneater, make you work hard
Make you spend hard
Make you want all, of her love
She's a maneater
make you buy cars
make you cut cords
make you fall, fall in love
She's a Maneater, make you work hard
Make you spend hard
Make you want all, of her love
She's a maneater
make you buy cars
make you cut cords
Wish you never ever met her at all!

[Chants]

[Chorus]
Maneater, make you work hard
Make you spend hard
Make you want all, of her love
She's a maneater
make you buy cars
make you cut cords
make you fall, fall in love
She's a Maneater, make you work hard
Make you spend hard
Make you want all, of her love
She's a maneater
make you buy cars
make you cut cords
Wish you never ever met her at all!

Never ever met her at all!
you wish you never ever met her at all!
you wish you never ever met her at all!
you wish you never ever met her at all!
you wish you never ever met her at all!

Moral Compass

So I had a friend in town (who's name i'll keep hidden to protect the innocent, although i'm sure at on of people can figure it out), she's the most gorgeous yet smartest person I've ever known...she's getting her PhD in something I probably can't even pronounce...

Anyway so we were talking and she mentioned two key words: MORAL COMPASS.

There's always a boy, or a situation, or something, that makes it so that we are no longer the decent human beings that we normally are. Okay, well, I admit I'm not a decent human being but I'm not going around stabbing people so it's all relative, right?. It's because of that person, or that item, that we lack a MORAL COMPASS.

Don't tell me you don't know what I'm talking about. Everyone's either had, or still has, something or someone that causes them to do things they should NOT be doing but their radar is way off course.

So then the question is...is it that this person/thing has some sort of "energy" that throws your moral compass out the window? Or is it that there's no moral compass in existance at all in the first place when it comes to that person/thing?

Anyway, I just thought that was the perfect terminology to explain why otherwise decent human beings do things they absolutely should NOT be doing if they had any sense of morals or values whatsoever.

Tony: yeah 24HF blows goats. Sadly, there's no Gold's or Bally's near me.

End of Slim Shady

I've known some shady, shady people in my life...the number one is the boyfriend I had during university...but I realized that I'm pretty bad myself, especially in terms of scam-a-bilities.

I figured that for the scams that I've pulled (and none are too huge, it's more like the frequency is much too much), karma was on my side 'cause I balance it out. I used to volunteer...and I'm always adopting sick cats...I donate to charity...heck, I even bought Nick Lachey's CD just to help him out with his legal battles against Jessica, and I do end up donating money every time those stupid charity organizations send me mailing labels.

Karma, in theory, should have been balanced out.

Well one of the aforementioned scams was 24HF...sigh...today I went in to get a LEGIT membership. Okay well technically my membership is an add-on to Kraig's, and his isn't really that legit...but that's HIS karma, not mine.

And because I like to be a glutton for punishment, I agreed to forego (sp?) the monthly rate of $20...and pre-pay the $20 for 3 years so that i can get 5 free training sessions (which i don't really care for or need) BUT...drum roll...it'll be $49 every YEAR for the rest of my life thereafter. That's a pretty sweet mother effing deal, considering that I've paid plenty for my gym memberships the past 10 years (okay well that shady ex-boyfriend paid for mine once, but that was $850/yr and i wasn't gonna pay that crap when he's the one who wanted me to go to that gym)...and that's for the all-gym, all-super-sports package...

So now i just tacked on a HUGE charge onto my credit card all in the name of being legit...

Karma, you owe me BIG TIME.

On a side note, I told the dude he better toss in a free towel (along with that box of stupid energy bars) so that I could feel like i REALLY got a good deal. He looked at me like I was the most retarded person he's ever met...but I got my towel. I also got him to write down his cell phone number so that if 3 years from now 24HF tries to eff me over on my 49/year, i'm going to hunt him down like a DOG.

Karma, if you fail me now...i'm going to punch you in the face.

KAH TOE MA TAYYY!!

My big fat obnoxious fluffer

Yeah I haven't written in awhile.

Suck it.

Letter to the editor: of COURSE i saw Sin City (helps when your husband is a comic book fanatic, i have to see all those graphic novels)...she looked phenomenal. That girl has the perfect body. Bitch.

I've got a bunch of links to pics that I gotta post...ummm when i actually upload them.

Bought a Netgear RangeMax Wireless Router, which has the most retarded setup. Having been a technical writer, I really try to follow the steps listed 'cause dammit, some shmuck took the time to write that. Well their setup is SO bizarre. Their wizard was useless. Finally I'm like "eff this sh*t, i write wireless about wireless devices for a living i'm doing the advanced user setup...so I plugged everything in and went logged directly into the unit...omg it took two seconds to set up. The wizard had me pulling my hair out for 30 mins. (Side note: people at Netgear, you probably want a confirmation window when you click "submit"...the only way I knew that it was actually working was when the laptop next to me listed it as an available network...but not everyone will have that).

In other news...

I can't believe Evan's gonna be here in TWO WEEKS....which also means i get a WEEK OFF WORK....sweeeeet! My only thing is that I know where to take chicks around OC when they visit...but a dude? That might be trickier.

Myrtle the Lemon Tree had an "accident"....she had fallen over and she couldn't get up...life alert! Amazingly, she actually has a semi-yellow lemon on her (boring to most except for those that have been to my house and know that you don't get between me and Myrtle...)...

So a year ago someone pointed out to me that I was picking out the pretzels in my bag of Chex Mix, and I suddenly got super upset because pretzels in chex mix are nothing more than fillers. It's like the potatoes in a can of vegetable soup. it's cheap, and it bulks it up. I won't stand for it! So i went throuhg like 10 bags of chex mix and picked out all the pretzels and stored them, and FINALLY...a year later...I'm vowing to write up my report and send it to the Chex Mix Folks.

Its an abomination to the snack world, and I won't tolerate it any longer.

In other news, if ONE more person asks me if i'm pregnant, i'm going to smack them. I haven't gone to the gym in like a month. My thighs are fat as hell. Get over it already!

On a similar topic, gasp I'm finally going to pay for my gym membership for the first time in 3 years...after an "incident" awhile ago I had to stop going....but then Kraig got a membership and it's only $20 to add me on, and as much as I hate 24HF i do like that they're open 24 hours a day (well, the Sport ones) and at least now I can stop living in paranoia that the 24HF Nazis are going to come after me.

AND...speaking of...wtf why are they so nazi-ish? I mean, geezus it's not a frickin' CAREER...i have serious issues when like teenagers at Albertsons or whatever act like it's effing rocket science. Listen, i'm telling you, those lemons are 2 for a dollar. You don't need to call the entire planet inthe store to verify, i know you can type that in and override it, wtf...None of us as teenagers gave a crap to waste everyon'es time over dumb stuff like that, liek pick your battles...geez.

On to TV news...
I haven't been watching JACK...i'm even the idiot who missed the Britney interview (I know...i know...I missed that interview!)...caught a bit of Hell's Kitchen which is nowhere near as good as last season's...the novelty has worn off. At one point I was hoping a cook, when getting yelled at by the Chef, would just toss her own plate on the ground...now THAT would have been great...

Damn I need to start writing for reality tv.

And finally...

Kah-toe-mah-taay

That's my new quote for the summer!

Entertainment wrap up

Movie Review: The Breakup
((shrug))
there's not much to say about it. It had it's moments. My standards were so low, unless it was a movie about paint drying you really couldn't go wrong. Vince Vaughn TOTALLY reminded me of one of my ex boyfriends in the entire movie.

Letter to the editor:
Dane Cook has been around for a while - he's an amazing standup comedian! Don't hate because you're behind the times! :)

Now them's fighting words :P Anyone who knows me knows that I know my entertainment sheeat. Of course he's been AROUND...but it's alot like when Gwyneth Paltrow started dating Brad...sure, she'd been in stuff before...but people only knew who she was after she started dating Brad. George Clooney had been around long before ER, but no one knew who he was. So...for Dane Cook...i highly doubt he would be anywhere NEAR as popular now as he is as thanks to Jessica.

MTV Movie Awards: you know...i adore Jessica Alba...but dang, that girl is JUST NOT FUNNY. There are pretty girls who are funny...think Jenny Macarthy...ummm yeah Jessica, you're just...not. that being said, I loved the skit with Jimmy Fallon...but that's also 'cause i love Jimmy....and wtf is wrong with the audience not getting the Google humor....

MTV Movie Awards

I had no idea they only gave out like a dozen awards. I guess that's why it's WAY more interesting than the Oscars.
A complete list of 2006 MTV Movie Awards winners:

Best movie: "Wedding Crashers"

Performance: Jake Gyllenhaal, "Brokeback Mountain."

Comedic performance: Steve Carell, "The 40-Year-Old Virgin."

On-screen team: Vince Vaughn and Owen Wilson, "The Wedding Crashers."

Villain: Hayden Christensen, "Star Wars: Episode III-Revenge of the Sith."

Breakthrough performance: Isla Fisher, "Wedding Crashers."

Hero: Christian Bale, "Batman Begins."

Sexiest performance: Jessica Alba, "Sin City."

Fight: Angelina Jolie vs. Brad Pitt, "Mr. & Mrs. Smith."

Kiss: Jake Gyllenhaal and Heath Ledger, "Brokeback Mountain."

Frightened performance: Jennifer Carpenter, "The Exorcism of Emily Rose."

mtvU filmmaker award: Joshua Caldwell, "A Beautiful Lie."

Silver Bucket of Excellence: Spike Lee, "Do the Right Thing."

MTV Generation Award: Jim Carrey.


I don't see why it's the 2006 awards...isn't Sin City from like, 1998?!! It was a lifetime ago.

And I'm officially sick of the following celebrities:
- Dane Cook. WTF!! Talk about boning a celebrity in order to become a celebrity. Does anyone know anything he's done Pre-May-2006? Wait, you don't know who he is? Exactly.
- Kate Bosworth. ARGH. She's not talented or pretty enough to be anything, she's popular for the same reason that Dane Cook probably will BE popular. Yeah she boned that girly-man otherwise known as Orlando Bloom.
- Justin Timberlake. I mean, i actually dug his CD. He's got some level of talent, and he was frickin' hilarious on SNL. But suddenly he's back in the spotlight because he's done with all his movies and i'm sorry, but the preppy-I-wear-fedoras-'cause-i'm-slick-like-that isn't working for him anymore.
- Famke Janssen. Okay not that she's some MASSIVE star, but I just really REALLY hate that she plays Jean Grey. Horrible, horrible choice. Heck, Jean Grey herself is the most useless character, but getting a useless actress to play her is worse.
- Jamie Foxx. OMG THIS GUY PISSES ME OFF. I can't even tell you on how many levels seeing this guy's name in print bugs me. It's like his ego is too big for this planet.

You know who we need to see more of? Amanda Bynes and Anna Faris. The former is just so funny and cute...and the latter has totally paid her dues making fun of herself in movies.

LOST....important if you watch the show

Important Lost Link
Yeah
you read it right

Everyone needs to bathe in the glory that is Sawyer. That man is just to die for.

Brain Food

So these days I'm over the Bridget-Jones type books...I'm taking more to male-perspective writing...

I'm almost finished with Company by Max Barry, which is really funny and has a pretty good grasp on political BS that happens at companies.

After that I'm going to start What's Not to Love? : The Adventures of a Mildly Perverted Young Writer by Jon Ames, which is apparently like a male version of SATC.

THEN it's back to some chick non-fiction with Skinny Bitching ...i started it already and it's pretty funny...now that I"m getting to 30 this stuff is on my mind!

And finally....my beloved Janice Dickinson: Check Please!...her other books were to die for hilarious....I can't wait to read this one.

you are inclined to make me rise an hour early just like daylight savings time

Just a few things...

Silicon Valley Fight Club
There is also a sadomasochistic thread running through underground fight clubs, said Michael Kimmel, a sociology professor at Stony Brook University in New York.
"Real-life fight clubs are the male version of the girls who cut themselves," he said. "All day long these guys think they're the captains of the universe, technical wizards. They're brilliant but empty.


Uhhh first off, there are guys who cut too, so that's a pretty ignorant statement to make. Secondly...chicks who cut have serious psychological issues and cutting takes the pain away by transferring. Geezus people.

Baby with 3 arms
That is so f*cked up I can't begin to explain. Personally, I think it would be kinda cool to have 3 arms....2 arms for typing, 1 arm for the mouse...you'd be so much more productive! And imagine driving while talking on your cell phone or eating.

My addiction to Food Network has me on a new New Year's resolution (midyear resolution?)...if I"m gonna "protect" a tv show, I gotta make at least one of it's recipes a week. Tonight I'm gonna make Moroccan Spiced Chickpea Soup ...mmm mmm good.
A'ight, time to get my brain to start working. If only I could figure out a way to sleep with my eyes open.

One who uses programming skills to gain illegal access to a computer network or file.

It's one thing to hack into
the DMV...
Social Security administration
a bank
a credit card company
or your ex girlfriend's new boyfriend's computer...

But hacking into Us Weekly? Now that's going TOO FAR!! TOO FAR PEOPLE!!

I only had 108 minutes to bury him

Okay so blogging requires work and I've been SUCH a zombie lately. My brother was in town last weekend and after he left, I've spent Sunday, Monday, Tues, Wed evenings SLEEPING.

Last night was the worst...i took a nap but made sure I was awake for Lost at 9...i mean, there's no effing WAY i was not going to watch it last night. Well i'm into it by 10 minutes, a commercial break comes on, I hit "pause" to close my eyes...and next thing I know it's 11pm. So then I had to force myself awake enough to watch the frickin' episode...I have NO idea why i'm passed out by 8pm, but it's not a good thing. I'm like a frickin' senior citizen.

Speaking of Lost, let's get through a few things:
1. I didn't catch that the dude who was chillin' with Desmond was the same guy who turned Sayed into a torturer in the military.
2. I also didn't catch that Penny's father is linked to the Dharma Initiative. That makes ALOT more sense regardint the ending.
3. Call me crazy, but if I were Claire I would have kept my baby in the hatch...i mean, why sleep outside in the cold with the bugs and all that? I'm sure there's even baby formula in that hatch...there was everything else.
4. Good lord this was ONE episode where Hurley wasn't downing Ranch Dressing.
5. I dig that within 5 minutes Sawyer's shirt came off. I LOVE SAWYER. And I'll officially be the biggest geek for buying the Lost McFarlane dolls. Don't know McFarlane? Good. It means you've never been to a comic book convention. And you don't know who Spawn is.
6. Kate bugs the sh*t out of me. She's supposed to be all though, but she can't shoot worth ((bleep)) and she's the one who effed everything up way back when the guys wanted to get Michael back but she tailed them.
7. The reason for the 108 minute button makes sense to me. I was worried it was going to be retarded, like the scary "monster" being nothing more than black smoke. But it's do-able, explains the plane crash...and best of all, made it so that Desmond's hatchmate only had 108 minutes to bury HIS hatchmate.
8. Is it just me or did Locke only break the monitor...you can still type inthe numbers...it wasn't some old skool type where the keyboard/monitor/harddrive are all one piece. It was more of a tv-monitor type circa our Atari years...
9. I'm sad Lost is over. BUT...this means that 4400 is starting up again! BOOYAH! 4400 is my pulse for the summer.
10. Michael didn't "betray" his friends...I would sacrifice anyone too in order to get my kid back. Although i would have wanted to get my dog, but whatever...crap happens.

Check it: Hurley's make believe friend (aka Harry Goldenblatt from SATC) was David...which Libby said was her husband's name.

As for last weekend with my brother...we went to a driving range and now i'm totally inspired to buy a driver so that I can vent out stress after work and can hold my own when going to play golf. I'm kinda excited.

In other news, I also signed up for a Wine 101 class...because I'm not grown up enough to understand wine but it's about frickin' time.

Okay I guess that's it for now...otherwise i'll start babbling about random crap...like how i made Paula Deen's zucchini bread last night (got a TON of zucchini for cheap from the OC flea market) 'cause I adore her tv show and it looked SO good when she made it, but the recipe was so-so (okay granted I also swapped things out to make it sugar free and fat free but i think it barely used enough zucchini....)....

...or I can babble about how this weekend is MASSIVE PROJECT time...'cause i have to clear out the spare bedroom for Evan to use when he comes visit, and I convinced Kraig to buy some shelves from Target for the garage...

...or I can get all depressed on how something isn't right with Marmalade, and she's going to the vet on Saturday, and i'm really scared becuase something is wrong with her and she's not being herself at all lately.

Blegh.

4am, and I can't sleep

HONOLULU - A daughter of reality TV star Duane "Dog" Chapman was killed in a car accident late Friday, a day before her father's wedding, a spokesman said.

Barbara Katy Chapman, 23, died near her home of Fairbanks, Alaska, said Michael Feeney, senior vice president of A&E television network.

Duane Chapman's Saturday wedding on the Big Island went forward as planned after the family consulted with a preacher and agreed to celebrate her life at the ceremony, Feeney told The Associated Press.

The star of "Dog the Bounty Hunter" married his longtime sidekick, Beth Smith, after being together for 16 years. The wedding is scheduled to be featured in an Aug. 14 episode of the show about Chapman and his tattooed crew of fugitive finders.

Barbara Chapman had not been expected to attend the wedding, and the circumstances of the accident were unclear, Feeney said.

She was one of 12 of the bounty hunter's children. She is survived by her mother, Lyssa Greene, and her 4-year-old son, Travis Drake-Lee Chapman.


I get that this is sad and all....but am I the only one that was like "WTF!" at the TWELVE CHILDREN part?!!! Someone's not shooting blanks...

Die laughing

Damn...this might be just as funny as the original skit.

Amazing

this article blew me away. That's so amazing.

Bone-ability

From Oh No They Didn't!
Which would YOU do?
LUKE VS. OWEN WILSON

One is a dark-haired stunner while the other is a quirky blond. Which Wilson brother would you bring home to Mom?
Luke is better looking but Owen is wayyyy sexier...i'd do Owen. Then afterwords he can play me a song and cartoon birds would fly around us. It'd be great.

RYAN SEACREST VS. SIMON COWELL

The American Idol host can charm, while the cranky judge keeps it real. Who gets your vote?

Egads, Ryan all the way. Ryan's got a fit body AND he's not gonna cross his arms and critique you after. Plus Simon looks lazy...i mean, all he does is sit in that chair. Ryan's gotta run around and get all interactive.


RICHIE SAMBORA VS. CHARLIE SHEEN

They're no strangers to complicated relationships: Which would you take a chance with – the Bon Jovi guitarist or the TV star?

Oh geezus Charlie all the way. Although I'm sure he's a complete loon...but he'd still be more fun.


KANYE WEST VS. PHARRELL WILLIAMS

Gold diggers need not apply: Which hip-hopper makes your heart beat faster?

This is a tough call. Neither is fabulously good looking...Pharrell's got a decent body i guess...but he looksl ike an alien...and he looks like he got an STD from one of Snoop's leftover women. Kanye it is. But it would still suck, 'cause he looks like the type where you have to keep telling him how fabulous his performance was. Eff that crap.


MICHAEL VARTAN VS. BRADLEY COOPER

The handsome Alias stars make pulses race. With whom would you share a secret mission?

Oh hands down, Michael Vartan. Never Been Kissed made all of us chicks fall for him. Plus Bradley always plays a jackass in movies. Michael's super good looking in that "I could marry that man and i'd have millions of his babies" kind of way.

MICK JAGGER VS. STEVEN TYLER

They may be grandfathers, but they still have that sexy swagger. Which rocker gives you more "Sweet Emotion"?

Gag me please. But between the two, i'm guessing Steven's got more STDs, so I'll stick with Mick. Oh but wait, Steven could sing the Wayne's World song after the boning. No forget it, his lips are too ginormous. Mick it is.


PARIS LATSIS VS. STAVROS NIARCHOS

Paris Hilton has said goodbye to both of them. Which Greek shipping heir would you sail away with?

Stavros baby! Paris is the male version of...well...the other Paris. And we all know how nasty she is.

ADRIAN GRENIER VS. JEREMY PIVEN

Which Entourage power player would you rather hug it out with in real life?
Adrian Grenier is so beautiful, it kills me. My confession: i've seen that STUPID Melissa Joan Hart movie "Drive me Crazy" a billion times 'cause he was in it. Damn that guy would make me melt. Forget who I would "do"...i could just stare at him for hours.


DAVID BLAINE VS. DAVID COPPERFIELD

Making magic is their mission. Which illusionist is your daredevil of choice?

Uh i'll take whichever one can magically turn themselves into...anyone but themself.

ANDY SAMBERG VS. CHRIS PARNELL

Which SNL comedian would you want to spend a "Lazy Sunday" with?
Andy 'cause he's younger, but REALLY...i'd much rather have Seth Meyer. And if we're taking SNL alumni, then Jimmy Fallon ALL the way. I LOVE JIMMY!


CLYDE PICKLER VS. MICHAEL LOHAN

Which jailbird dad piques your inner rebel: Kelly's (of American Idol) or teen queen Lindsay's?

Nastiness. Pure nastiness. I guess Clyde...'cause Michael Lohan would probably steal my stuff after he bones me and then write a tell-all book about me.

WENTWORTH MILLER VS. DOMINIC PURCELL

The Prison Break brothers share piercing eyes and chiseled features. Which actor would you want to escape with?

Wentworth...mmm mmm good. Although he looks a little TOO intense, you know? But he's definitely beautiful.

Ha ha I'm surprised there was no Brokeback Boys to compare...

In other news, props to Nicole B for finding the Strip-Aerobics class at 24HF. I'm sure I'd look like an elephant in a china store doing that stuff, but at least it'll give my thighs a badly-needed workout. Booyah.

Letter to the editor

Man, you should have given my brother a call. You were right down the road from him.

Oh look dude, I'm FINALLY out of that meeting! Yeah 2.5 weeks...and those bastards didn't even cater lunch. Or provide catheters.

Probably would have helped if i had your brother's number. That being said, if I DID have his number, I would have used it as an excuse to skip out on the hike, tie him to a chair, and stare at that fine young man like the creepy perverted stalker old lady that I am.

Beef jerky sold here!

Drive it like you stole it and bone it like you own it

Yeahhhhh!

Happy anniversary to me and Kraig. Booyah. 3 years of marriage. Our waitress tonight was like "3 years, that's great, blah blah..." and then says "The first year was rough wasn't it"...

YES, YES IT WAS. And everyone I talk to says the first year is brutal. Except you can't TELL anyone it's brutal, because they think you're in newlywed bliss so you keep smiling through gritted teeth. Finally after one year people are like "yeah that year sucked didn't it?" and you suddenly realize that your life is different, get used to it. And it all gets SO much better.

Which is why I truly do think that living together is NOT the same as being married...the changes are all mental...and the realization that you've legally bound yourself to someone for LIFE makes people act (react!) in surprising ways.

Anyway, I got a beautiful card and seasons 5, 6, and 7 of the Simpsons on DVD. EXACTLY what I wanted. I can't wait to have a Simpsons marathon weekend...

In other news, in case anyone cares, my brother is coming to the OC this weekend. I haven't seen him in a year, which is pretty pathetic since he only lives a few hours away.

Family. Good times.

Oh ....crap....

Just fabulous, this is the stuff I've been using for the past few months:
ReNu with Moisture Lock for my contact lenses...

Bausch & Lomb Inc. said Monday it has permanently removed from markets worldwide a contact-lens solution linked by health authorities to an outbreak of rare fungal infections that can cause blindness.

Just effing fabulous....

I know Katelyn will appreciate this...

MANNNNNN I swear Fergie is FUG to the nth degree:
Beat with an ugly stick

Worst blockbusters of all time

THE TEN WORST BLOCKBUSTERS OF ALL TIME
from Pajiba:

10: The Rock
Oh HELL NO. I love this movie. I should remember to buy it. Sean Connery is STILL studly, and Nick Cage is so cheesy, it's fabulous. Plus I've been to Alcatraz twice, so it's kinda cool that they filmed it there and knowing the history behind Alcatraz.
09: Van Helsing
I refused to even see this movie.
08: Pearl Harbor
TOTALLY AGREE. Holy crap this movie is one of the worst movies ever. In fact, it should be #1 on this list. To top it off, I thought it was full of such american propaganda, Kraig and I got into an argument after the movie ended 'cause he disagreed with me. Yeah. Right. The movie SHOULD have ended where America f*cked up and everyone died. But they dragged it out an extra half hour with Alec Baldwin and everyone in Japan, and ended saying "It was america's finest hour". Uhhh if that's the case, then what happened to the other 3 hours of my life that showed how badly you effed up?!?!?

07: Meet The Fockers
Listen, I'll be honest...the whole series bugs me. I didn't like the first one, I didn't even want to see this one. Ben Stiller is only funny when he's got a Wilson brother by his side.

06: Armageddon
So this was another movie I boycotted...but...since I had a blackbox in university and got a ton of PPV movies for free, I was forced to watch it a billion times...I love it. I really should buy it. I mean, come ON...the last part where Bruce Willis switches with Ben so that Ben can "take care of my little girl"...classic! Plus all that Aerosmith stuff, as well as Mr. Pink going psycho in space...great movie fun.

05: Patch Adams
Never saw, but this was a blockbuster?
04: Titanic
Don't make me punch you in the face. I LOVE this movie. Once again...totally cheesy...but I loved the storyline (girl forced to marry someone to save the family...classic!)...actually I just really am fascinated with the true-life Titanic and how everyone insisted it was unsinkable...

03: Star Wars I - The Phantom Menace
Ugh, Jar Jar anyone?

02: Big Momma's House
Uhhh...i never saw it...but i would totally rent it. Once again...a blockbuster? Hardly.

01: Batman & Robin

Yeah i'll give you that one.

Glamour's Sex Issue

From Glamour's sex issue....

3.4" = average length of a penis...at rest.

5.9" = average length of an erect penis...which is fine, because 82% of women say they're satisfied with most 6".

8.7" = the size most men THINK they are when erect. Only 9% of women would even want them that big.

...i'm gonna chase after Kraig with a ruler one of these days.

One of the most popular sex gadgets women buy when they shop alone: the Hitachi Magic Wand, a no-frills vibrator. When they're browsing with men, many pick up the petal ring (in the pic it's like a baby teething ring with these petals sticking out). Bottom line: sex toys are subjective.

The % of poeple who's had sex...
...in a car: 50% (are you kidding me? Where else do people have sex when they're still living with their parents?!!)
..in a bathroom: 39% (I guess that means only 39% have ever done it in the shower?)
...in a parent's bedroom: 36% (this i findi nteresting. I could never, EVER, EVERRRR have sex in my parents' bedroom...let alone their HOUSE...but guys never seem to care and in fact, i think they rather want it!)
...in a park: 31%
...on an airplane: 2% (now this i give serious props to people for. I can't even figure out the logistics of this. I figure, you need an overnight flight with barely anyone on the plane...bathrooms are out because the flight attendants are right there! You go mile high people! I support you. I'd never DO it..but I support you.)

The two most common sex fantasy stars:
Most women are dreaming of either
1. a current lover
2. an ex

Why so tame? The most pleasurable fantasies tend to involve someone we've connected with emotionally. Which explains why celebs don't top the list. Unless you ARE a celebrity. With a celebrity ex.

The main reasons condoms break: incorrect usage (yeah no kidding). People either put them on wrong, they don't pinch the tip to get all the air out, or they use them with an oil-based lubricant.

The average number of friends a woman calls to talk about sleeping with someone for the first time: 3.
Average num for guys: 3.
So much for the notion that women are blabbers and men are mute.

THE OFFICE

FUCK ME HARD HOLY CRAP HOW AMAZING WAS THE OFFICE LAST NIGHT?!!! BLOW YOUR MIND THAT SHOW IS FRICKIN' AMAZING

Update post

Yeah so I haven't written in awhile. Suck it.

Next week I finally get my permanent green card interview thingy. Yee haw. Don't get me started on the photo situation. After 2 hours of hell i somehow ended up with EIGHT greencard photos thanks to Kinkos and DigiPhoto and not a singleo ne is acceptable for the greencard. I'm so peeved, i gotta go raise hell at DigiPhoto sometime before Tuesday and get another one.

On another note, I'm so obsessed with Nick Lachey right now it's crazy. Although maybe it'll switch over to ex-American Idol contestant Chris...he's my boy! WTF:

Is this not heartbreaking? Poor nick:
"It breaks my heart that I couldn't make Jessica happy," he mumbles, his chin pressed into his chest. "I wanted to be everything to my wife. I wanted her to look at me with love in her eyes, the way she did at the beginning, and have her feel like I was the most wonderful, awe-inspiring man on the planet. And when that stopped, it was the worst feeling in the world."

And here's the thing...maybe she DIDNT cheat on him...but take a look at like Reese Witherspoon. You never hear about her with other dudes. Why? Because she acts like a f*cking WIFE that's why. I mean, don't get me wrong...I didn't do a 180 just because I signed a marriage vow...but if I"m going to have cameras in my face, I'm not going to do ANTYHING that's going to even hint that I'm not committed to my marriage.

There is no keener shame than being publicly dumped. Add allegations that your wife cheated on you with several other men -- prankster-actor Johnny Knoxville, Knoxville's wingman Bam Margera, Maroon 5 singer Adam Levine -- and you have a recipe for postal levels of retaliation.

So I admit it...i bought his album. I felt the need to support Team Lachey...to show Jessica was a frickin' moron she is. Seriously, my thoughts were that when they were married he should have written a husbandry book, called "How to despoil your wife in 5 years" (if you watched Newlyweds, you know what that means)...

"I read somewhere somebody was saying, 'Oh, he's capitalizing on his failed marriage to sell records,' " Lachey says. "That really pisses me off. Like I wouldn't rather be singing about how great love is? About my newborn son and shit like that? Give me a fucking break. I don't get to choose where my life goes. What do you want me to sing about?"

I SUPPORT YOU NICK! My plan is also to get him to marry one of my friends (and she knows who she is)...they have so much in common! And she actually wants to be a good wife! C'mon Nick, send me an email...i'll pimp her out.

A few random thoughts...

1. I hate HATE hate effing iTunes.

2. The couch cleaning guy is coming Sat morning so that my couches are officially socially acceptable again.

3. My blowdryer went on the fritz but then I got it working today, thank GOD. I've had it for 11 years and i LOVE it. Especially now that i have Henry hair.

4. Evan booked his trip to Cali! WOO HOO! NOw i gotta come up with inexpensive stuff for us to do while he's here (it'll be crazy, 4th of July and all)

5. I'm effing tired.

6. Go Team Lachey!

7. Whoever invents a cure for split ends will be a zillionaire.

In other news, Kraig saw Paris Hilton yesterday at E3
Paris Hilton at E3 news