Money, costco, jobs, and bling

So did some web surfing crap and came across this:
Job-related stress is extremely common. According to the Jobs Rated Almanac, the five most stressful jobs are:
1. President of the United States
2. Firefighter
3. Senior corporate executive
4. Race car driver
5. Taxi driver
The five least stressful jobs, according to the Jobs Rated Almanac, are:
1. Medical records technician
2. Janitor
3. Forklift operator
4. Musical instrument repairer
5. Florist

I think it bothers me a bit that a medical records technician's job isn't stressful...you SHOULD be stressed. Keeps you on your a-game. That being said, I once was item #5 (although being 14 years old nothing is stressful...oh wait, this is me we'er talking about. The only job that I felt wasn't stressful was Le Chateau, because I was there for so long and I was the quickest person on the cash register...so when the store got crazy busy, i was automatically put on the cash register which is easy monkey work).

Naturally being a florist isn't stressful...although I sucked at floral arrangements and the only thing I could do properly was a simple bouquet of a dozen roses (with or without baby's breath, although I preferred to make it without). Other than not being able to arrange anything in a vase, the only other thing that bugged me was that my hands were marred from the roses' thorns...it'd say I had a ratio of 60:40 skin to holes on my palms. Which even then wouldn't be so bad if part of the job didn't involve packaging our own floral preservative, which was like pouring battery acid on all those wounds.

In other news, my Costco membership is expiring and I really don't feel like doling out another $50 for a membership (seriously, I hate costco. Almost as much as I hate 24HF. You have to save $50 just to break even. And their prices are NOT that great...i've compared them elsewhere. I just go for the stuff that's costco-specific) until BBQ season. So last night I went on a huge grocery store spree and ended up talking to the cashier about how much people spend at costco.

She said that people easily blow $10-$15K, mostly because they're buying TVs and stuff. But then we started talking about the jewelry section...when i never really noticed because it's not like I'm going to buy anything and my goal with Costco is to get in and out asap (the longer you're there, the more you spend). She said that one time someone bought a $100K ring. It was 22 carats. They had to get the police to escort them out. Nuts!

And seems like bigwig executives buy jewelry there all the time. So I went again today at lunch and checked out the jewelry section...nothing was $100K, but there WAS a pair of diamond earrings...for $56K. FIFTY SIX THOUSAND DOLLARS...at Costco. I think they were a little over 2 carats. Most of the diamond stuff they had averaged between $2K to $15K. I just can't get over that you can buy a bulk box of detergent...and a pair of earrings that cost more than my car (and heck, i bought my car brand new!).

On to money matters...

So in February I have a CD that's finally expiring. Effing Bank of America...the rate was so crummy. I believe I put in around $3000 and earned $483 in interest. Gasp. Such a huge amount (grumble. I think the crummy rate was 3%, which hardly keeps up with inflation). Anyway, so my debate when it expires has been:
1. Put the $3K towards the HELOC loan, put the rest in the botox fund (it's been awhile since i had it done).
2. Put the $3K towards the HELOC loan, get laser teeth whitening. I am obsessed with teeth, especially my own (naturally), and the past 2 years of drinking diet pepsi has stained them IMO.
3. Put a little under $3K towards teh HELOC loan, get a decent frickin' laptop.

Let's break this down. I went to the dentist today (my dentist kicks ASS. She works at another office and on Wednesday she's going to be working on Brad, Angelina, and all fifty of their kids) and she was like "you're nuts, you're teeth are white, you're fine. Just use the bleaching trays you already have" (another reason why i love my dentist: 'cause they don't sell me crap to make a buck). And the hygienist agreed. But...i personally LIKE teeth that are milk- or paper-white. I've invested alot into my teeth (as have my parents) and if they have to glow to get attention, so be it. There's very few things I like about myself...my teeth deserve center stage.

But...well if she thinks it's not worth it, then fine.

I was going to forego the botox, but this morning I looked in the mirror and I think i wrinkled my forehead IN MY SLEEP. And it's making my whole face look haggard. The only problem with botox is that you do have to maintain it...granted, the mroe you do it the less you have to get it done (i.e. down to 1x/year), but until then it's kinda pricey.

So that leaves the laptop. Which is the smart choice, assuming that I verifythe bootlegged s/w I have (Office 2003, Dreamweaver, etc) works on Vista since that's all you can pretty much get (and i'll i'd want...i wouldn't want to get a laptop with XP only to later upgrade it to Vista since hardware with Vista pre-installed was designed specifically for it. I'm not f*king around with microsoft).

THEN...i was scoping out HP laptops (my favs are HP or Sony Vaio laptops...HP because that printer of mine was kickass and it sens a message ot me about the reliability, Vaio because i had one once for work and loved it), their mousepad track thingy is awful. So...we'll see.

Quick like a mongoose!

So my new show of the moment is easily American Gladiators. Not because I miss the original...i never actually saw the original (did that even air in Canada? The years it was on were the years my parents decided the family didn't need a tv so they literally put it in a garbage bag and threw it out)...

What cracks me up is the big blond guy, Titan (who actually has been on over 400 magazine covers and was in the original Gladiators as a backup) reminds me of the blond skier from the South Park "Asspen" episode (the guy who calls Stan "Stan Darsh" and challenges him to a ski match)
The guy in the middle:




One of my all-time favorite movies is Running Man (and a very good book too), this is sort of the non-futuristic version of it. While it's overtly cheesy (the contestants were clearly prepped to say catchy one-liners, and I'm positive the audience members were handed those "homemade" signs saying "I crush on Crush! JUSTICE for All!"), it's still great to see regular joe-shmoes compete against people who spend their lives doing nothing but work out.

I felt especially bad for the first chick to compete...she sells toilet paper for a living. TOILET PAPER. How the eff do you put that on your resume? "Account Executive for specialize paper products"?! And within a minute she jacked up her leg and had to back out.

I'm not a big fan of Hulk Hogan, maybe because of his divorce situation. Although I get the feeling that he doesnt' want the divorce, Linda does. But still, I saw Hogan Knows Best...what do you expect when you put your family on a reality show? (Then again, how else was Brooke going to get that record contract?). More importantly, I"m just annoyed with his bizarro posture, his tight black jeans, and the yellow straw he calls hair.

Ahh, whatever. I'll cut Terry "hulk" Hogan some slack.

The only downfall to all of this is that it makes me feel like SUCH a tub of lard. How do people with regular jobs and kids find time to bulk up? How many egg yolks do you have to consume to get that big? And wtf how quick IS a mongoose?

TV Review: Cashmere Mafia

Last night I didn't watch the latest Desperate Housewives or American Gladiators...but I did watch the premiere of Cashmere Mafia.

Sigh. Let's go through each of the ladies before I even give my opinion of the show.


Frances O'Connor (the only i've seen her in was Bedazzled) plays Zoe, one of those workaholic moms married to a workaholic husband who put their little precious children in ballet, soccer, whatever. I think she's supposed to be the most relatable character but I don't think any female on the planet would agree. First off, if you're THAT busy...why the hell do you have your kids in so many things? Maybe I"m just weird because the only thing my mom signed me up for was skating lessons, which I promptly quit after awhile (there's only so much ass pounding a little kid can get...ice hurts. Let that be a lesson into adulthood too).

Probably the worst scene was where her nanny called with some retarded crisis and miss BigWig Zoe took the call during the meeting. I absolutely can't STAND when people take personal calls during meetings, and at the very least you'd set it on vibrate and see if they call back if it's THAT important. Then, to top it off, she continued her meeting from her office, where her little precious ones decided to have some sort of WWE smackdown in there. My mom would have beat me with her name plaque and told me to stay quiet or she'd "beat the bloody life out of" me if she had a work thing. And damn straight that's what she should have done instead of offering ice cream to whoever stayed quiet.

Totally not relatable at all.

Next we have Lucy Liu playing the ever adorable Mia. I actually liked her character the most of out all the girls, but I still have the character she played on Ally McBeal in my mind so I kept expecting her to break out a whip or something.

The problem with her character is definitely no fault of the actress' but you'd think girl would have spoken up and pointed out the retardedness of it all. For example, she's engaged to another coworker...if you're a big wig at a company (and even if you're not), you are NOT going to walk down the hall HOLDING HANDS. Even worse, HOLDING HANDS while your boss is explaining how one person will get a promotion and the other will get fired. And you're not going to constantly kiss in the office either. Unless you want HR on your ass.

The other problem is the crap this girl wears. Carrie Bradshaw could wear funky outfits because she was a work-at-home freelancer. You can't wear low-cut bright dresses in an OFFICE. I don't care if it's New York or Timbuktu, no one's gonna wear that sheeot to the office.

Next up is Bonnie Summerville. Let me say, I keep getting her confused with Monica Potter:


But Bonnie Summerville was on Grosse Pointe, which was one of the best shows that never made it past 1 season. That was the show that was a spoof of Beverly Hills 90210. Sigh.

Anyway, her character is pretty refreshing, not because of the usual "oh i'm hip, I work for some makeup company, blah blah"...but because right off the bat her character isn't sure she's gay. LOVE IT. Now that is relatable, not because I have identity issues but it's nice to see characters that as adults still don't now who they are or what they're going to do with their lives.

Finally we have Miranda Otto who plays some ice queen Juliet. She's also a CFO (CIO, whatever) so we're supposed to think she's a tough modern chick who can make it in a man's world.

Girl looks like her face is botoxed beyond belief. I'm okay with Botox for the rest of us, but my job doesn't require me to show expression.

In her first scene, a buncho f guys in a meeting push their coffee cups towards her like she's some exec assistant, at which point she gives some snotty comment about how important she is. NO ONE in a company would ever push their mug towards a CFO, regardless if they're a chauvinist pig or not (unless the dude was the president or some title above hers). You will never, EVER, find a peon pulling a move like that. Which right away just annoyed me, because I get upset when TV/Movie people don't get the concept of office environments (Office Space: they nailed it. Cashmere Mafia: not so much).

Then in a scene where I think we're supposed to be cheering her on (I couldn't tell, her frozen botox face made it difficult for me to understand whatever feeling she was trying to convey) she tells her unfaithful husband that she's going to take on a lover from any man in the room. The husband then looks scared and naturally takes a chug from his champagne. Really? REALLY? 'Cause if I were him I would have been like "great, now i can keep boning my hot chicks without feeling guilty. And i can leave you because we're equal".

Overall, the show misses the mark. It's supposed to be about 4 hip working friends in NY. It's supposed to be a SATC knock off (it's produced by Darren Star after all). Ohhh how wrong they are. For example, working mom Zoe hides in a closet to make a work phone call because her kids are screaming. That is so effed up, either you yell at your kids to shut the hell up mommy iso n the phone, or you go into a bedroom and close the door. You don't' hide in a CLOSET. To top it off, she used a non-wireless hands-free thing...You have a high paying job, a fancy blackberry phone, and you're telling me your company won't spring $30 for a bluetooth earpiece? If you're that rich, that successful, and that desperate in need for tools to help your life, you'll get yourself a wireless ear doodad. Geezus.

Then there's a scene were Mia emails everyone to meet her for lunch. She emails each and every one SEPARATELY with the same message. How the eff you're going to get a promotion at that inefficient pace is beyond me. Obviously the goal was to see her type in her friend's name, and then the scene where that friend receives the email so we can associate the two. At that point I just get super annoyed because I don't need the producers to dumb it down for me like that, i'll eventually catch onto who's who. Geezus. Or maybe they really don't know you can send one email to multiple recipients.

Bonnie Sumerville's character gets her email while she's having breakfast with a boyfriend who's dumping her. The email says "we need to do lunch". So somehow she goes from having breakfast with the ex to walking over and having lunch...which maybe these people who dont' work in offices understand that breakfast = around 8am or before...lunch = 11:30pm onwards for us office folks. You h ave to be at work somewhere in between.

Overall, the show is just plain awful and will probably get axed once the regular shows come back on the air. Sadly, until then, I will continue to watch because I'm so desperate for a SATC replacement (please Lipstick Jungle be better!) and for something that's not a reality show.

(please excuse any weird words in here, i tried BLogger's spellcheck and it's not so great).

Bill Gates' Last Day at Microsoft

Bill Gates is the least funniest person on the planet, but it's still interesting how he got so many people (Even Bono, gasp!) to play into this video. I dig Jay Z.

Le dernier jour de Bill Gates (Bill Gates last day)

And let it be stated...Obama's section was WAY funnier than Hillary. Girl almost makes Bill Gates look funny.

Barack, Bush, and Babylonia

I was at the gym last night (thanks Marlene :P) and I ended up watching three shows:
TMZ (not much to report, it was pre-Britney's latest meltdown)
Celebrity Apprentice (I love you Carol Alt. When i grow up, I want to be just like you. Sadly, that will never happen, but a girl can dream).
CNN

CNN aired Barack Obama's victory speech, and it reminded me of something from the John and Ken show earlier that day: in the grand scheme, the most LIKEABLE (not the most competent) person generally wins. Which is good, 'cause I kinda dig Barack and I think he's very likeable.

THEN i thought...pretty much allt he reasons I prefer Barack Obama isn't his position vs. the other candidates...it's Barack vs. Bush.

Here's the list of reasons why Barack Obama kicks ass, all compared to our current president.
Disclaimer: normally I wouldn't care at all about this, but now that I can vote (if i actually registered to vote), I feel like I probably should take note of this crap.

1. Barack isn't a country bumkin. Apparentlymost of America likes a hillbilly for their president (as evidenced by him winning a 2nd time), but Barack has zero southern drawl. He went to school in Hawaii. I dig that...I don't want someone who grew up on chicken fried gravy to run the country. I do have to admit however that at one point during his victory speech he started to pull the Martin Luther King accent, but i'll let it fly because he was discussing freedom.

2. He wasn't born into politics and had to follow his dad's dream. Call it the Gossip Girl syndrome: boy wants to follow dream X, but affluent and reputation-seeking father wants dream Y. So boy follows daddy's dream ("No, i don't WANNA go to Yale!" "But son, I went there, your father went there, and your grandfather went there. We funded their library. Now hush on these dreams of backpackingi n europe. Here's ten thousand dollars, go buy yourself something nice.") I feel like Barack (or Barry as he was apparently called in high school) truly wanted this for him, for his dreams, not because he was raised into it.

3. He's got the color thing down pat. He's not white. He's not black. Being mixed, he can hang out with all folks. Except maybe skinheads, since his hybrid blood goes against their aerian plan. Georgey-boy is as white at they get. You know how white he is? I imagine the first time he tried Indian food (made mild) he was probably all "ooohhh weeee! Now thayt is sum spah-cey food rih' there!". He's so white it's impossible for him to become any more diverse. If he knew how to use email (and AOL doesn't count), he's the guy who's off forwarding the crap about how people should boycott The Golden Compass because in the books, the kid (allegedly) kills God. Then i bet his autosignature is some religious passage. Basically he's so white that in his super hillbilly white behavior, he actually manages to offend others (like ME).

4. Barry's got a sense of style. It reminds me of a Nip/Tuck episode...Dr. Shawn McNamara gets chided by a homeless guy for wearing Armani and he offers him his old Brooks Brothers suits. Barry's wearing Armani. Georgey is wearing...is it even Brooks Brothers? I feel like whatever he's wearing, it's like an old man who puts on a sport coat over a plaid shirt with beige pants. If i have to see your face interrupting my tv show whenever there's a crisis, damn right your clothes better be aesthetically pleasing.


5. Does Georgey boy even have a sense of humor? If so, does he get that he's the joke itself? I was actually impressed with Barry went on Ellen...not because he made the appearance, but because the guy can clearly roll with the punches. First he danced with her...and for a politician, Barry's got moves. Then they sort of prank called a viewer, which I could not IMAGINE Georgey Boy ever doing. LOVED IT. During the interview the topic of gay marriage came up, and Barry gave the perfect answer. I dont' remember it perfectly, but he managed to give an answer that "protects" regular marriage while still allowing gay folks a marriage thing as well.

6. Barack's catchphrase is "Change". Keep in mind, the entire time i've been in teh US it's been ALL Bush (minus 1 month of Clinton). I'm desperate for that "change", to see what this country is like when there's not some hillbilly running it.

Although to Bush's defense, i was here for less than a year when 9/11 happened, and naturally that's created a profound impact on this country. So i really don't have much opinion on what the US was like before that...all I know is what it's like since, and what I want changed.

**Disclaimer2: i'm not saying i'm pro-Barack vs. the other candidates...i'm simply saying why I like him if i think about him relative to the current president and how he'd do in that role.

When it rains, it pours!

You know how some people have one car problem after another? Well it seems we have computer problem after another.

A year ago we swapped out the old "main" family computer for Kraig's somewhat old Dell computer (it was better...it just wasn't being used because Kraig had a laptop from work he was using). STored the Old Main in the closet.

Computer Status at this time: the Dell, his work laptop, and this ghetto old laptop i've got.

Earlier this year kraig got a new job, so he got one of those Western Digital "MyBook" things (over $200) to put the stuff from his work computer, his work laptop on...well after the IT guy at his old company erased those systems, the MyBook crapped out.

Kraig called WD but basically they said they could give him a new one (it was brand new), but that wasnt the point...the information ON it is what's important.

I took it into my IT guy at work and he said that the disk inside won't spin, he popped off the case and tried to attach it to a regular computer...basically, it was dead. Kraig then looked into a storage recovery thing but those are CRAZY expensive 'cause they have to wear bunny suits and look all fancy to protect the disk when they try to recover the info.

Computer status at this time: The Dell, the ghetto laptop, and an unusable WD storage device.

Then the ghetto laptop got f*cked up REALLY badly. It kept crashing, then restarting, and the only way to get it to stop this cycle was for it to repeat it and let the battery die out. I had to re-install windows from scratch (have you ever tried doing that? It took HOURS. And wiped out everything I had). It still doesn't work great, I get a blue screen about once an hour, so it's good for random web surfing and that's it. Remember the blue screen of death days? It's even WORSE when you get it without having Windows 95.

THEN the Dell crapped out...it gets stuck at the main Windows bootup logo thing...so this morning Kraig and I had to put the Old Main one back in ('cause i've got stuff I need to do that requires a steady system, knock on wood).

Computer status at this time: a Dell that won't work, a ghetto laptop that barely works, an unusable WD storage device, and an Old Main computer that seriously it like working on my old skool Pentium 75.

THEN...THEN...just NOW...i was printing shipping labels for my ebay stuff when my printer crapped out. By "crapped out" i mean, it shorted out. I can unplug it and replug it in and get a flicker of light for a second and that's it.

I LOVE THAT PRINTER. It's an HP LaserJet 4, one of the best printers ever made. That thing is at least 15 years old and has held up SO well. If you go online it still gets the best reviews for printers, and that sucker is still used in businesses. LOVE LOVE LOVE this printer.

So what do I have now?
A super crazy old slow Old Main family computer and the use of my HP inkjet. The inkjet is fine but it's not ideal, for the cost of replacing ink in that sucker I might as well buy a brand new laser printer. Plus i'm a Printer Snob: inkjets, deskjets, whatever, they're unacceptable. It's laser or nothing.

Do i pay to fix the HP? Do I get a new laser? Either way, it'll cost $$...which is ironic since it shorted out while i was trying to print out shipping labels for stuff on ebay IN ORDER TO MAKE MONEY...argh. One step forward, eight steps back.

Cooking with that ghetto free Costco cookbook

Over the holidays Costco gave away this cookbook using, naturally, costco-specific products (which isn't too hard to substitute). Cookbooks are like serious food porn...i could pour over the pages, salivating, oggling, for hours...and repeat it frequently.

I decided today to give two recipes a whirl: the meatloaf and the apple-cheese soup.

The soup (link to cookbook, go to page 77): it's actually pretty tasty, except I added extra mustard powder and tabasco, since I generally think recipes are very bland in flavor (I feel pretty confident in my spice-skills, since a coworker pointed out that whatever I bring in always has the right amount of spices...which I tend to triple in a given recipe). Oh and I used that fat-free oil (Enova) instead of butter, since the whole planet knows I've got an aversion to butter. Only problem is that I was cooking while reading and missed hte part that said to peel the apples before putting them in...ahh well, it still tastes pretty spiffy.

You wouldn't think a cheese-apple soup would be good, but you gotta use granny smith apples which makes it very tangy.

Healthy Mini Meatloaves: (link to cookbook, go to page 147) this is my first ever meatloaf, to be honest I've never really had meatloaf before (unless a bite off someone's plate once counts). It's good, VERY easy to make, except this is what I would change:
- don't bother with the muffin concept...i dunno, maybe i'm weird, but i think a traditional old skool meatloaf format would be better.
- I added like 5 times the thyme and i would definitely not hesitate to be liberal with that. Plus I would add even MORE pepper than the boatloads that i added. Turkey's not exactly the most flavorful meat.
- I would really, REALLY chop finely the mushrooms and onions...even maybe puree them (if i had a mini food processor...not worth whipping out the big one...heh heh that sounded perverted), i don't like big chunks of stuff in my food.

Overall, considering it's Costco, it's a very good cookbook. Instructions are clear, recipes may look like they take alot of ingredients but they're all basic stuff nothing crazy (One thing I hate about Rachel Rey's stuff is that they usually need some white whine...wtf i don't keep white wine laying around, let alone waste the rest of the bottle...not a white wine fan)....

Time to get my Girls Next Door and Snoop Dogg's Fatherhood on...

Movie Review: Au Revoir Les Enfants

I have no idea why I added this movie to our Netflix queue, I think I read somewhere that it was really, REALLY good.

Ummm...riigghtt.

Maybe part of the problem is that I turned the subtitles off, and the last time I saw a movie in French without subtitles was in high school. I speak (or at least, have the caveman vocab skills) Quebec French, not France French, which makes it harder in general to understand the movie. Also doesn't help that I moved from an English/French country 7 years ago to an English/Spanish country...lord help me if I had to speak French under duress, i'd be hosed.

So the movie is about a kid (Julien) who has to go to some private catholic boys' school during WWII. While there he befriends a Jewish kid (Jean Bennet). Then the germans come and take the kid away. That's it. Seriously. THAT'S IT.

Oh did I ruin it for you?! I don't see how this movie won all sorts of awards. The scenes were too long and there was ALOT of scenes that were pointless. Julien gets lost in a forest...i swear that was half the movie. How many scenes of a frightened kid with a camera circling him do you need to make to convey the point that he's lost?!

At any given moment I was waiting for the Germans to come in and do some brutal shooting (doesn't help that i saw Smoking Aces the night before, so my brain was in full-on Gratuitous Violence mode) but it didn't happen. I thought maybe one of the Catholic priests was gonna have his way with the boys, but that didn't happen either. There wasn't even any Boy On Boy action (at best, two boys were scoping out some porn before taking a shower).

If you're in the mood for a slow-paced foreign movie with little point, then I guess I recommend it.

Note: This movie is based on the director's personal experience. Personal experiences don't always make for good movies. You know what I did today? I woke up, had a cookie for breakfast, checked out my email, took a shower, went grocery shopping, prepped dinner, then watched the movie. You don't see me making a frickin' movie! HA or maybe I should...i'm sure i'd win some foreign movie for what is otherwise known as My Random Sunday.

Yeah! New template layout!

Well you probably don't notice anything, but I was using an older template and now I finally got Blogger to update it so I can start adding "modules"...note the new module on the right, where you can view by topic. That being said, clearly that would have required me to add a label topic for each and every blog entry I've ever done, and there's 559 of 'em.

I attempted to go through and update them until I realized (probably around 9 entries in) that that's ALOT of work. Even if you do a search by topic. So...suck it. It'll take awhile. And i highly doubt anyone's going to be reading by topic anyway.

Dammit, now I gotta create a label for THIS entry.

Letter to the Editor

How come you never told me that Ryan Reynolds and Alanis broke up. I thought for sure being that you love him and hate them being together would have blogged about that! I had to find out on yahoo in the best 10 best breakups of 2007!

LOL. They broke up in February, but that was their "No, for realz this time, we're broken up" which never counts. So they broke up long before that in mid-2006, which I'm pretty sure I blogged about 'cause it was about effing time.

Oh speaking of Alanis...

My hatred of Alanis runs deep. She's from Ottawa, I'm from Ottawa, and most people in Ottawa (at least, before I moved) can't stand her either. She developed a pretty bad reputation from the get go as a teen diva. Since she was our only celebrity rumors run rampant. She also went to the same high school as a then-friend of mine and I found it absolutely insane that Alanis taught my friend's Sex Ed class (Alanis was in OAC/Grade 13 at the time, my friend was in 9th).

The second-final straw that made me dislike her was purely my own fault: at 14, I went to the mall with Stacey, Erin, and Mandi...and bought Alanis' tape. TAPE. WTF. You know how much it cost me? $18.99 at Music World. The minute I made that purchase I regretted it. Why did I buy it you ask? Because *gasp* Alanis was at the mall signing autographs! How on earth could I pass up THAT opportunity of a lifetime?!

I always vowed to one day sell the damn thing and finally last week I did. After the purchase and some skimming off the top from s&h fees, I'd say I made around $8 from it. That's $8 US...oh wait, the US dollar means nothing relative to the Canadian dollar, plus factor in the cost of just having invested that $18.99 (that doesn't even include crazy canadian taxes)...yeah I took a pretty big loss on that purchase.

Then...the FINAL straw...when she started boning Ryan Reynolds.

Damn you Alanis! Damn you all to hell!

The Ultimate Cheapskate’s Road Map to True Riches

It seems that there's a "community" if you will of compiled personal finance blogs (do a search for "pf blogs" and it'll come up. Anyway, I came across one websites review of The Ultimate Cheapskate’s Road Map to True Riches by Jeff Yeager.

Apparently the author has 6 rules for "ruling your gold":
1. Live within your means at thirty, and stay there.
Well I'm 30 and I think I'm living within my means. But I have massive debt (the house, the cars) but then again, other things get paid in full (credit card bill, property taxes, etc). The blog that I found this from mentioned living the way you did at 25...well at 25 my rent was $1710/month for a 700sq.ft. apartment...no wait that was when I was 23. At 25 my rent was $1400 for a two bedroom two bathroom apartment (hmmm but split with two people, that's only $700 each). If you split what Kraig and I pay, it's around $1400 each...but that's for interest-only which I guess is the same as renting...anyway, forget how you lived at 25. At 25 I didn't have life insurance, disability insurance, homeowner's insurance (renter's insurance is wayyy cheaper)...but true, there's no reason to exceed the lifestyle we have now.

2. Never underestimate the power of not spending.
Oh trust me, I don't underestimate that at all...there's times I'll be at target with a full basket of crap only to later walk out with just a bottle of conditioner. I can talk myself out of any purchase, and I actually get a sense of pride when I do that.

3. Discretion is the better part of shopping.
Once again, this isn't that hard to do. It's pretty easy to look at an item and assess if you NEED it vs. if you WANT it, and where you can find it cheaper. Heck, I have never bought Holiday cards full price, I buy all my holiday crap on December 26th. So doing good so far.

4. Do for yourself what you could have others do for you.
This is a huge deal for me, because I know so many people who hire people to do stuff. I can't justify hiring a maid as much as I'd love to...because we don't even have kids and we're not here during the day to mess up the house, I can't justify paying someone for a skill (cleaning) that I already own. Which is also why I tried my hand at plumbing, and why I still have outdoor motion-detector lights sitting in my office (I know Kraig and I could install them ourselves but since it's electrical, I figure it would help to read ALOT on it first). Every time I've caved and hired someone it's been a huge feeling of defeat, but then again it's also been a necessity (and every single time, at least we tried!)

5. Anyone can negotiate anything.
Now this is where I have problems. If it's something that I used to do (say, banking or retail), then negotiating is not a problem. Other than that however, I'm pretty useless. I tend to take a "oh well, I tried" attitude the minute I get shot down. I remember going garage-saling in the bay area and I had to get Marlene to negotiate a price for me, 'cause I was just too chicken to do it. WTF, too chicken to offend a garage sale woman over something for a buck?!! Definitely need to improve on this tactic.

6. Pinch the dollars, and the pennies will pinch themselves. This is the message that Elizabeth Warren preaches: limit your spending on the big things (like your mortgage), and you won’t have to worry so much about saving money on groceries.
Hmmm well this isn't so easy. The mortgage and cars have already been purchased, and there really was no way we could get around the house situation (we were being pushed out and naturally we didn't know we would single handedly stop the housing market). Plus with my car, I knew that I would have it for at least 15 years so certain factors were important (getting the limited edition so that we could get the dual temperatures...VERY important on long drives to the bay area!). I guess other than having to buy those items (2 cars, 1 house) we've done okay. Heck, I don't even visit my own family because of the cost of airfare. We recently stayed at a super ultra posh Hyatt Regency for only $60 because of Priceline (that would have cost us alot more if I had done something like hotels.com or even gone straight to Hyatt's website). So...I think in the grand scheme it's not too hard to watch yer dough with the big purchases, and if you make them odds are it's out of necessity.
Or maybe just 'cause I'm a chick...i can't imagine buying a house or a car on a whim.


There’s a lot more to The Ultimate Cheapskate’s Road Map to True Riches. Yeager covers topics like:

* Eating well for cheap. (Yeager tries to buy food that costs less than a dollar per pound.)
* Buying a sensible home and then repaying the mortgage as soon as possible.
* Commuting without a car.
* Cheap entertainment. Yeager encourages readers to make the most of their hobbies.

Ultimately, the message of this book is that stuff will not make you happy. Happiness comes from knowing when you have enough. In his final chapter, Yeager stresses the importance of amassing a quality of life over a quantity of stuff. “Many choices you must make [involve] the trade-off between money and time,” he writes. “By being cheap…you’re valuing time and the things you can do with it more than money and the things you can buy with it.”

Well I'd say I eat cheap, considering my lunch is usually just canned soup and I try to make Kraig a lunch as often as possible...and if we eat out it's courtesy of the Entertainment Book. As for buying a sensible home...yeah well this is southern california. Paying it off will never happen in anyone's lifetime. Commuting without a car is also impossible in southern california, unless I want to take the bus at 5am for a 12 mile commute and most likely get assaulted along the way. Cheap entertainment...lots of tv and Netflix, yeah!

No...it can't be...over...

It's one hour till Sunday, which means there's only a few days in my Xmas vacay left...

Oh the humanity, no! My anxiety is already creeping up. Which maybe contributes to why I screamed at my husband like a madman (madwoman) this morning for using the stupid built-in cutting board instead of a regular dishwasher-friendly cutting board.

Anxiety = bad.

Watched a few DVDs over this holiday...

Movie Review: 28 Weeks Later
I really enjoyed 28 Days Later, mostly because it's concept of a "rage virus" was a fresh take on the usual zombie movies. It doesnt' make sense that dead people attack live people and can move like an athlete on steroids; it does make sense that there's a virus that makes you do crazy sheeot.

Let's just say the original movie is like an Academy Award winning movie compared to the sequel.

The is that 28 weeks later the world decides that you can go back to England because the last of the infected have died of starvation. First off, no one in their right mind would think less than a year later is okay to go back. Secondly, you wouldn't bring back civilians....oh but then you wouldn' thave a movie if you didn't have some retarded civilians effing everything up...

Anyway, I won't even bother with the rest of the review except to say that it's the usual monster comes after the good guys, good guys keep running, monsters keep chasing them, repeat repeat.

Movie Review: Smoking Aces
I was really excited to see this movie, for two reasons:
1. A crapload of people told me it was incredible. I forgot that a crapload of people = masses, and masses of people are generally morons.
2. Ryan Reynolds is ridiculously hot.

The gist of the movie is that there's one dude that has a hit out on him, and the pricetag to whoever can kill him and get his heart is a million bucks. So we follow various groups of hitmen (plus two hit women) plus the FBI agents who are also out to find him before he runs.

Jeremy Piven, who's normally a total blowhard, is VERY good as an egotistical magician who's going nuts in his hotel room knowing that people are out to get him.

And the tales of all the quirky-yet-lovable-or-uber-cool hitmen were very entertaining.

My main beef was the very end...totally predictable AND boring...like they couldn't come up with something else. Except the DVD shows they DID have an alternate ending, which was equally bad.

So...if you don't care about the very end, then I guess it's pretty entertaining. Would have been nicer to have some great fight scenes, instead of just straight-up fight scenes. And you can't go wrong with Ryan Reynolds, beard or no beard. And the DVD outtakes were pretty good.

And because I can, a gratuitous picture of Ryan Reynolds:


I've got out on Netflix "Strangers with Candy" and "Au Revoir Les Enfants", so hopefully those will live up to the hype.

New Year's Goals

Now that I'm on this hardcore thing to reduce the home equity loan, I've found some fantastic websites on cash, frugality, and other random stuff about the almighty dollar. One of these days i'll get around to posting them.

So here's the unofficial 2008 New Year's Goals. The key here is that a given month's goals may be swapped for another month's goals. And any of these goals may get shifted based on a pending trip to Ottawa/Toronto.

Jan
- fill out that Insurance Inventory kit thing I got (doesn't serve much point to have replacement insurance if you can't prove you have the stuff in the first place)
- continue ebaying mags (50% of the remaining amount)

Feb
- ebay the remaining magazine lot
- fill out the Life Doc info

March
- paint kitchen cabinets

April
- paint kitchen cabinets (2 month project...because i know i'm lazy)

May
- paint kitchen walls
- sand, fill in holes, paint front door

June
- complete my other website about cube life(it's already up if you're bored but it's nowhere near complete, email me for the link 'cause i'm not posting it here)

July
- paint upstairs hallway

Aug
- read all the French books i've got (figure this is a good summer goal with beach reading and all that)

Sept
- paint the door trim and handrail
- Liz's wedding (not really a goal so much as a reminder to not do anything crazy this month)

Oct
- complete Kraigart.com for my sweetie

November and December
Free, or to use to complete any of the other stuff that didn't get wrapped up.

And of course, pay down that damn home equity loan.

Bhutto....

So yesterday I was in complete shock over her death...having family in Pakistan, I think i knew how Benazir Bhutto was before I knew who the prime minister of Canada or the US president was...

Since I don't have much to say since i'm so shocked, I figured people would get a kick out of my mom's comment on the situation:

as one political analyst said ... bhutto was not what the west made her out to be, she was corrupt just like the rest of them. blackmailed, imprisoned and tortured her opponents, had her brother killed who started his own political party, stole 2 billion $ from the pakistan treasury while in power. her husband looted pakistani museums selling artifacts on the black market amongst other things. both hardcore criminals and rotten to the core i would say.

I'm usually amazed how far out there my mom's opinions are, but I have to admit...I actually kind of dig that she has the complete opposite opinion of mainsteam north americans. Maybe that's why I like to play devil's advocate at times, because I grew up hearing both sides of a given situation. Obviously Bhutto is being hyped up, there's no denying it...but I'm not going to believe she outright had her brother killed.

Food for thought. Hmmm, maybe we should make that Exercise for Thought, 'cause seriously my brain does NOT need more food. It needs its cellulite-laden ass to get itself to the gym.

The ghetto avenue boys

So I updated my blog template to display a tracker for the 2008 home loan paydown (which is kind of cheating because it includes stuff paid down from this year...but whatever). Scroll all the way down to the end if you're curious to know the status.

If you don't buy clothes or purses that would sure save you at least an extra $200-$300 a month...right?

Good Lord Marlene! :P I think I spent that much a YEAR! But I'm glad I've got support, 'cause I'm gonna need it this upcoming year that's for sure...

Can't believe 2007 is almost over...i can't believe it'll be THIRTY ONE next year...

Bryan: you still owe me pics of your place...

I resolve to create a resolution

The year is coming to an end...and its time to start thinking of NY's resolutions.

There was the year where I vowed to be more refined...didn't really succeed. Suck it.

Then I believe last year I decided to do "monthly goals" which I really liked, but then it got sidetrakced with the goal of getting my PMP certification (which I did get, so I achieved that yearly goal).

Now i'm sitting here wondering what to do for 2008. I'm inspired by AJ Jacobs who went a year trying to follow the bible as close as possible (A Year of Living Biblically...i've got his other book on how he read Encyclopdia Brittanica cover to cover, he's hilarious) so I wondered...what is something that i should do for one year...like my own social experiment?

The only thing I could think of would be: no clothes, shoes, or purses for all of 2008. That's doable, and it goes into the next part of the goal for 2008: I need to pay at least $15K extra towards my home equity loan or else we're in a world of hurt. Yay for the housing debacle. Anyway, back to the no clothes purchase for 2008. For any weddings I have to go to I've got plenty of things I can wear, and I guess if my black boots wear out then I can pay to repair them because I truly do love them.

But...then I remembered that I really wanted to take advantage of spring ski sales and I do need a ski jacket and ski pants...well by "need" i mean, "I have skis and i've only gone skiing ONCE in the past 7 years and to do that i had to borrow someone else's apparel which isn't gonna fly anymore".

So now i'm wondering...can I just say i'll go the entire year not buying shoes, purses, or clothes EXCEPT for one ski jacket and ski pants? That's not exactly an impulse or frivolous purchase, I've been meaning for years to do that.

However, if i truly want to be frugal I could wear the coat and snowpants (oh yes, they're "snowpants") that I had when I was like 14, which is this bright purple and blue coat with bright purple snowpants. They're not stylish, but they're what i wore skiing as a kid (then again, i also wasn't that warm in them...but i do have my old Columbia ski jacket but the zipper broke...but that's also an excuse, i've got workarounds tot he zipper situation you can still zip it up...just not easily...anyway).

So...that's one thought to consider.

The next part is what I already mentioned...$15K has to be paid down on the home equity (i.e. $30K over two years according to my COuntrywide guy)...which is no easy task when you need to spend your year saving $6K just for flippin' property taxes. And that's not really a "resolution" as much as a "fo' sho' you better pay down that loan or else you're homeless"...

OR...i could go back to the monthly goals. Like as a result of the PMP certification there's something that goes along with that (that i won't post) that i'd LIKE to get accomplished at the very latest by end of February, but that's not necessarily up to me...but like one month to paint the kitchen cabinets...another month to paint the upstairs hallway...another month to paint the kitchen itself...another month to do something once and for all with the garage (although i'd like to epoxy the floors, buying that stuff will take away from the $15K that needs to go to the equity), another month to read all the french books i keep meaning to read, another month to truly clear out the spare bedroom (i'm working on it, it involves ALOT of ebaying)...

I also found this website (Weekend Cookbook Challenge) that inspired me...basicallyt he gist is that you gotta open up a cookbook of yours and make one thing in a weekend. As someone who's got a desk job, that's not an easy task...heck, my biggest challenge is going grocery shopping because I can't stand doing it after work, and there's only so much you can buy in advance without it getting spoiled (and becuase it's just kraig and I, lots of times i waste stuff...like 1/4 of onions leave 3/4 to get wasted pretty easily). But i really do enjoy cooking, and I'd like to do more of it.

I could also take Nicole's advice and add to this NY's resolution list to "Join forces with your brother to better manage parental unit guilt trips." which is a fantastic idea...

Stay tuned. The key to a successful NY resolution is to not make it too big where it's easy to fail, but important enough to where you'll want to stick it it.

Kahhh Toe Mahhh Tayy!

Get outta my head

I swear, sometimes I should be shot for my horrible taste in things.

I actually kinda dig this video (mostly because poor Ashley doesn't realize that most people don't know that this is based off a series of paintings from the Salvador Dali museum) and the song...it's awful actually, it really is,b ut it reminds me of some bad early 80s music and purely for nostalgic purposes...i kinda dig it.

Feel free to beat me with my own limbs next time you see me.

Defensive Pessimism

In case it's not super obvious, I have mass amounts of anxiety and I worry like crazy. This used to bother me quite a bit...it's not normal to be in constant Chicken Little mode.

Eventually this year I finally realized that this kind of panicking and anxiety has served me VERY well over my life. Its lead me to be prepared for things that most other people aren't (emergency fund for layoffs, getting an advanced medical directive all set up so i'm not eating cream of mushroom soup if i'm in a coma, etc).

Yesterday I found this article about how bad that kind of attitude is, and that it's possible to still think ahead without the extreme anxiety.

There's a name for the kind of worry that contributes to a positive outcome: defensive pessimism.

DEFENSIVE
PESSIMISM

LOVE
IT!

It's not like it's easy to overcome this kind of thinking. All it takes is ONE incident to validate your feelings. I'm also mildly obsessive compulsive (i need need NEED need doors to be locked)...one time we stayed in a hotel in Florida, all of us with our passports in there, and i ran back down the hall to double-check the door...well turns out, the ghetto hotel's lock was busted and we ended up not only switching rooms, but switching hotels (they accused US of breaking the door...uh it's a key swipe system how do you break that?)...We all would have been effed (Christine and Noel in terms of traveling back to Canada, me with my TN visa in there) if something had happened as a result.

I say, EMBRACE your anxiety. Sure it'll eventually lead to heart disease and an ulcer, but you've already prepared for it so it's not that big of a deal.

When I planned for my wedding, I was one sack o' anxiety for 9 months straight. STRAIGHT. The day of however, even my makeup artist commented onhow i was the most relaxed bride she's ever seen. Both random and orderly panicking had served its purpose; it allowed me to feel like I had controlled everything that could be controlled and barring a tornado, nothing could throw me for a loop.

Part of being a good anxiety-driven patient is to find the most out there "what ifs" beyond what is right in front of your face. Even if I won the lottery and could afford laser eye surgery, the reason I don't is because knowing my luck, that's when there'll be a super bad earthquake. Power outages aren't a problem, but the earth shifting causing that laser to just go "eeeeeebzzzzz" off my eye onto my head is a serious concern.

(This is also a concern with permanent makeup, which I discussed with someone yesterday when I said why I wouldn't ever get tattooed eyeliner, no matter how affordable).

Plus there's also an extreme anal-retentive side to its success. The instant I have to call anyone for tech support, customer support, whatever, I immediately write down their name and the exact time of the call. Now you KNOW the odds are already stacked against you when you have to call customer support for something (especially if it's related to billing and/or fees), so it helps your cause to have the exact individual you can later blame.

Yes, 2008 will be the year where I think I shall EMBRACE my flaws...you say poe-taytoe, I say poh-tah-toem, you say flaw, I say defensive pessimism.

Letter to the editor...

Good Morning
I have book marked and rea your blog now and then. I alwayds find it interesting as a study in the pysche of a young californian feeling old; a feminine perspective on 2007 American culture; an insight into the power of the media to shape values; a psychological study of reflective/non-reflective thoght.

Your blog (and I say it with kindness) also reflects all the narcissism of our age; all the insecurities of woman; the selfish little world in which we can all incubate and from which we can view the world.

The broad range of your reading and the eclectic nature of it, suggests an amoeba, which is warm and still in a petri dish, and moves only when its' comfort is distorted or it experiences some temperature change. It is really all about you, isn't it?

The gossiping nature, critical eye, and empty interests suggest America is lost to your generation, if there are more of you then them.

Uhhh...I have no idea wtf the point of this is. But i will say..."my generation" is a generation of working people who have to deal with the knowledge that unlike our parents, we will have to fight our way through our career job after job after job with no pension plan...our generation is one that is cynical knowing that social security MIGHT be there NOT when we're 65, but 67.5...that we're effed up the A if we get sick because insurance is a complete joke...

Not sure what you mean by "lost"...lost HOW? That kind of philosophical BS is the very reason why many a Poly Sci graduate eventually realized they had to get a real job so they transferred into programs that would give them true skills. Is america really going to get lost? Will no one know what is it? Will it become, in a single generation, a useless third world country? Or is it (most likely) going to keep chugging along as it always has because this isn't f*cking Lord of the Flies?!

And may I remind you Moderator...I'm Canadian. Unless you have a fear of 30-something Canadians taking over the US, you can sleep well at night knowing your precious country is going to be the same in 5 years as it was 5 years ago.

I do have a critical eye...I don't think that's a sign of my generation, I think that's a sign of ME. I was born to criticize...if I could get paid to tell people they're doing stuff wrong then I'd be a millionaire. I have turned many a man from a self-confident warrior into a weeping pussycat.

As for "gossiping", that's purely a sign of anyone with a desk job. The day Anna Nicole Smith died, I got more emails than I did if the company CEO died. I don't think that's a bad thing...we're a generation stuck at our desks but have constant access to mass media, our own lives are boring as hell so we turn to the personal lives of entertainers to add some excitement to the part of our brains that are overworked and in dire need of fluff. Britney Spears' behavior to me is the same as Young & The Restless for the generation before us.

AND FINALLY...yeah of course it's "all about" me...that's why it's a f*cking blog. It's always all about the writer of the blog, that's why it's called Random Thoughts and Gripes (who's thoughts did you think they would be?!), if you want to read about other people go to...uh People.com. My blog is about MY thoughts.

That being said, much like Kathy Griffin, I absolutely adore feedback (both bad and good), I adore other people's viewpoints posted on my blog for a fresh perspective,so bring it on beotches! Especially now that I've got more time to post post post and make the world just a wee bit dumber as a result.

My guilty pleasure

Okay. I admit it. I ADMIT IT. I've been watching NBC's Clash of the Choirs.

To my defense, I only recorded it last night because I wanted to see Nick Lachey. Turns out, I LOVE IT.

I LOVE IT and i'm not afraid to say it!

Basically the gist is that you've got 5 famous singers who get to hand pick their own choir from their hometown, compete, and the winner gets to put a boatload of dough towards some local charity.

I was positive Nick's team was gonna lose after their first performance last night...Kelly Rowland's choir did frickin' phenomenal singing George Michael's Freedom. Fer real, it gave me chills. Even doing a search for the video online today, it was clear that Kelly Rowland's choir kicked ass.

And now...here I am in front of the tv...and who got the least votes and won't be singing tonight? Team Rowland! In favor of frickin' Michael Bolton's stupid choir! (okay, they did pretty good with Living on a Prayer but still).

i'm playing the race card and saying it's because Kelly Rowland is BLACK. Do you hear me people?! America you're a bunch of racist mutha effas....how dare you not support AFRICAN AMERICAN KELLY ROWLAND!

Ummm okay well Patti LaBelle is also on the show...so maybe there's not much validity in my ranting.

**Edited to add: listening to Michael Bolton's choir right now...they sound like a bunch of cheesy karaoke singers. Grumble.

Who's yo baby daddy?

Well since it came out that Jamie Lynn Spears is pregnant, I think it's time someone puts the smackdown on Hollywood's baby antics.

1. Stay together at least the length of the pregnancy.
Yeah Tom Brady, I'm looking at you. K-Fed, you're guilty too don't try to creep away in that Ferrari that you bastardized with new rims. Guys, I get it...one minute you're with the hottest piece of ass in LA, next minute you've got a bloated beluga with bad acne yelling at you for not knowing what a diaper genie is...But you gotta tough it out or else you'll become your own gamekiller.

Okay you probably won't be. But you might be.

2. Don't play mum.
It seems that hollywood starlets want to keep some things private. Are you effing kidding me? You get paid NOT for your wonderful acting ability (ever hear how Hillary Swank won an Oscar but couldn't afford her prescriptions?!), you get paid because of what we think of you. WE OWN YOU. And as your boss, I'm required to know if you've had sperm penetration sans birth control. Maybe that violates labor laws, but you should have thought of that before getting violated by Mr. A-Lister.

3. Stylists work for pregnant chicks too.
This is mainly for Britney...I don't think anyone else has broken this rule. Even Nicole Richie looks adorable with whatever her stylist put together for her. And how can anyone forget how Gwen Stefani looked? You may be young, but a fetus means you can't wear fishnets, stripper heels, and anything that looks like you should be a two cent whore.

Hell, even Old Navy's pregnancy clothing is more stylish than the crap that Britney used to wear.

4. Enough with the lavish baby showers!
You're having a baby, not curing f*cking cancer. WTF kind of lesson are you teaching your bastard baby by lavishing them with overpriced blankies and pacifiers covered in bling?! It's just GAUDY. Your baby is not your excuse to be all "oh you got the deluxe edition stroller? I got the uber platinum edition, they only made ten..."...

Christina, that means you. What the hell is this, the opening of a Macy's?!


5. Most important of all...DON'T YOU PEOPLE USE BIRTH CONTROL?!
There's many a college girl who's on the pill. There's many a college dude who carries a crapload of condoms. Why? Because they have too much to lose by having spawn. In an industry that isn't forgiving of sabbaticals, stretch marks, weight gain, and all around flaws, you'd think every chick would get her tubes tied.

Jessica Alba...you're gorgeous. You're flawless. Sadly, you also can't act your way out of a paper bag ("Honey" anyone?! And don't think you got Fantastic Four 'cause of your acting chops). Sure hope you banked your previous paychecks 'cause your career is OH VEE EE ARE...

Random thoughts for the day...

It's midnight on Saturday night...good times eating like a mofo at Carrie's dessert party.

Some very random thoughts that are going through my grey matter.

I noticed that Sandra Lee looks like an older version of Heidi Montag:


Or that Rachael Ray looks alot like an older version of Rachel Leigh Cook:


It's really quite odd to not have true seasons. Even living in Northern California, there's some distinction between say fall and winter. It's a very chick-thing, but I'm kinda depressed that I can't wear a good chunk of my sweaters. It just never gets cold enough here for the super warm and think sweaters.

Now if you're from California this probably seems retarded to you, but it's really REALLY odd to me that I have sweaters that I haven't worn since I moved here because it's just never cold enough. It's like...going through each year with something missing that you used to experience on a yearly basis...it's just ....bizarre. I don't know if I'll ever get used to it.

More bitching...

Can someone please tell Rachael Ray that her show's new backdrop is ridiculously hideous? The orange cupboards and green tiles are an insult to my optometric senses. Then there's the weird filter on the camera. It's like the frame rate is slightly slower so the picture is never in focus. The worst of it all (well actually I think the frame rate is probably the worst) is that the camera dude won't just sit the eff still and shoot her normally (uh take that as you will)...it's like he's perpetually jumping around...makes me nauseous.

Just for ol' time sake...anyone remember this FHM shoot?

Girl can't be sexy even when she tries...

Tomorrow I gotta buy $500 worth of toys for this toy drive i'm in charge of...for someone who's not a fan of the holidays, I sure get suckered into alot of festive crap. Santa can suck my balls.

We didn't start the bubble

I absolutely love this video. Kinda makes me wish I was more creative.



In other news...I'm starting to think that my love for all things teenie-bopper-ish is kinda pathetic. Last night I was ecstatic to discover that the CW posts their full-length shows online for free, so I caught up on last week's Gossip Girl...then I saw the new episode...and honest to God, i think I squealed in delight at one point.

Just sad. Sad and pathetic. My clothing options are starting to become limited now too. Sarah and I chatted the other day how great it used to be to be able to wear super cute short skirts...ummm yeah first off cellulite won't let that happen anymore, secondly even if I could I'd look like a complete moron. I saw an adorable thermal top with little bunnies on it, but there comes a point where if you're a bit older, and you're wearing stuff with animals...well then you might as well break out the Bedazzler as well.

Sigh sigh.

Stella....STELLLLLLLLAAAA...

Disclaimer: the following post is not about what a guy SHOULD know...it's about what he MUST know. And by "must know", I mean: "must know in order to date a chick so that her friends don't say dang girl, he doesn't know how to do X, Y, Z? Dump his ass". Not "must know in order to succeed in life" or something retarded like that. So yes, a guy should/must know say how to change an innertube on his non-mountain bike...but that's not exactly make-or-break criteria when it comes to dating a guy.

So Carrie found this article about 25 things every guy should know. Figured...it was time for my commentary.

1. Patch a Radiator Hose
Steam hissing from a ruptured radiator hose? Here's a relatively easy, temporary fix with duct tape.

I dont' know about that one...maybe because it's never come up in my life, so why would a dude ever need to do this? Where is the radiator hose? or maybe because I'm a chick I'm clueless about the importance of this.

2. Protect Your Computer
Viruses and spyware can unleash a host of evils upon your PC, ranging from annoying pop-ups to a zombie system takeover.

This isn't what a guy should know how to do...it's what a guy SHOULD do. And woman. I think this list needs to narrow down what a guy MUST know (which in turn is what a woman SHOULD know...but doesn't need to).

3. Rescue a Boater Who Has Capsized
When you come upon a capsized boat, approach with caution: The cause of the accident or debris in the water could render you a victim as well.


Hmmm, I guess it's good if you're with a friend...but I wouldn't hold it against a guy if he didn't know how to do this.

4. Frame a Wall
It's the basic partition — an interior, non-load-bearing wall with a door opening. Here's how to frame it, so you can divide your basement into a really useful storage area and a totally indulgent man space — say, a big-screen sports den.

I'll worry about it when I live in a place where this could be an option. If you live in a big city (i.e. where you rent), i wouldn't hold it against a guy if he didn't know how to do that.

5. Retouch Digital Photos
Some shots are too flawed to fix with a click on autocorrect. Here's how to perform surgery on digital images with nearly any photo-editing software.

I disagree. Guys dont' give a crap about how they look in pictures (well, enough to retouch it). Guys should know how to screw around with Photoshop to put their friends faces on someone else's body as a joke...but not to fix flaws. If anything, that's something we chicks should know.

6. Back Up a Trailer
If you're doing this without a spotter, put your left hand at six o'clock on the steering wheel, and drape your right hand over the seatback. As you back up, move your steering hand in the direction you want the trailer to go.

Define "trailer"...like anything with a box with wheels attached to it? Like a U-Haul or a camper thing? Yeah, dude should know how to drive one of those things. Short of flying ap lane, guys should know how to drive all other vehicles.

7. Build a Campfire

Obviously. This is a necessity. If a guy can't build fire, get rid of him. In this day and age, that means if a guy cant' figure out how to turn onthe BBQ. Call me shallow, i don't care, but I once had to show a guy how to turn on a propane BBQ and clearly his balls fell off in the process.

8. Fix a Dead Outlet
If the lamp goes out, but the bulb's not fried, it's time to check the outlet. Once you turn off the breaker, here's how to fix the usual suspects.

True dat.

9. Navigate with a Map and Compass
Though GPS may seem ubiquitous, it doesn't work everywhere. Mountains and dense tree cover can knock out sat signals — and batteries can die. Here's how to roam the backcountry with a compass and topo map.

Hmmm, this would imply that you're not near civilization. Which means you're camping. In true nature (notl ike nature where your car is right next to your tent). So if you're a chick like me and you don't care about nature, then you don't need to worry if the dude can do this.

10. Use a Torque Wrench
Using a torque wrench the wrong way leads to incorrectly tightened fasteners, which can spell trouble for your machinery.

I have no idea what a torque wrench is so I can't gauge if it's important for a guy to know how to use it. Oh wait, I looked it up:

How can you screw up using one of those things?!

11. Sharpen a Knife
A knife may be the most elemental of all human tools — but only if it's sharp.

Hmmm...yeah that sounds about right. Honing is important to knife maintenance, and using one of those sharpening tools from Target is gonna jack up yer knife. I approve.

12. Perform CPR
Most people have an idea of how to perform cardio­pulmonary resuscitation (CPR) on a person whose heart has stopped, but you may not have taken a course in years.

Another thing that's more like guys (and women) SHOULD know. Would I think less of a guy if he didn't know this? Nope. But it's definitely valuable info nonetheless.

13. Fillet a Fish
Set the scene with a flat surface and an appropriate knife — any long, thin, flexible and sharp blade will do, but for larger fish you might need a stiffer blade. Make your first cut behind the pectoral fin or gill cover, angling the tip of the knife slightly toward the head.

I can't stand fish. I don't want to be around a dude to see if he's mastered this skill. This isn't effing Iron Chef.

14. Maneuver a Car out of a Skid
Although there isn't much you can do when your car is pirouetting out of control, you can maneuver out of two basic types of skids before things get messy.

PLEASE! If you've lived anywhere with snow then this is a given. If you don't know how to do this,you'd be dead.

15. Get a Car Unstuck
When you're stuck, don't gun the engine to get out — the tires will only dig in deeper.

See #14. Or in my case, just get a boatload of people to help push.

16. Back Up Data
Don't put off backing up your files until it's too late.

Another "should do" as opposed to "must know"...this isn't a question of a dude's manliness...this is a question of his ability to think ahead, think strategically, and be responsible for his crap.

17. Paint a Room
Good paint jobs start before the first can of paint is opened.

How big of a moron are you if you can't prep and paint a room?

18. Mix Concrete
If you're going to use more than a cubic yard of concrete — a 9 x 9-ft. pad, 4 in. thick — call a Redi-Mix vendor.

I can't imagine a situation where I would need someone to mix concrete for me, unless it's for a major home renovation that involved hiring a dude to do it for me.

19. Clean a Bolt-Action Rifle

Clean a what now?!

20. Change Oil and Filter

Every 3000 miles you can commune with your car when you change the oil.

HIGHLY agree with this one. This should be #2 on the list after how to make a fire.

21. Hook Up an HDTV

Well...I have an HDTV...but I don't subscribe to it...so if it's a question of hooking up tv, obviously. How hard can it be to set up an HD receiver with a tv?

22. Bleed Brakes
When the brake pedal starts to feel spongy, it's time to bleed your brakes.

No idea what this is, but it's your brakes so it seems like it's something a dude should know how to do. However this will never come up in conversation, so trying to test a guy's knowledge on this is a bit sketchy.

23. Paddle a Canoe

Would require caring about nature.

24. Fix a Bike Flat

WRONG! This should NOT be on the list. If a guy is fixing a flat it means he's back home, and if your'e back home and you're so desperate to FIX the tire rather than buy a new one, then you've got issues that go beyond what any chick would want to deal with. And if you've got like $5000 tires on your bike...well then your name is Lance Armstrong and you and your one ball can suck it.

25. Extend Your Wireless Network
You've got a laptop that, ideally, you'd like to use anywhere in your house. But the strength of your wireless Internet fades between floors and behind thick walls.

I think anyone with a pulse should know how to do this, not just dudes.



This list is missing something VERY important: a guy NEEDS to know how to drive stick. That's a non-issue. I don't care if he'll never own a car with manual transmission...he better still know how to drive one. Or else. Or else what? Exactly.

Tales from the fake....

So watching the finale of The HIlls, once and for all I had to look up Spencer Pratt. Other than Princes of Malibu, wtf else has this guy done?

Well first off, his website sucks. It's just a smacktalk page of TMZ links about LC. And he apparently paid "Paradigm Creative" to do that site? A high school kid could do that. Hmm, maybe that IS a high school kid doing it.

Then I went to his Official Merchandise page. It just redirects to Heidi's page of merchandise, which consists of two shirts that say Team Heidi. Her main page is a pink version of Spencer's.

Then I scoped out his bio online (I refuse to actually look at his MySpace page, he's irritating enough, adding MySpace is like a fork on a blackboard). It seems his dad is some famous LA dentist, which explains the teeth. I forgot that since he has connections with David Foster, which I"m sure is Heidi's only chance at finding musical success.

Ohhh, watching it now...as retarded as Audrina is, we've ALL been there where we've been with a dude who's just effing around with our minds...once upon a time I was at a bar (YEAH! REACTOR! Good times) and two different people rushe dup to tell me they saw my then-sorta-guy-who-later-became-my-boyfriend-for-almost-four-years had kissed another chick, i confronted him by splashing a glass of water on his face (hmmm, i wasn't driving...why the eff did I have water?), he just laughed so I punched him. Drama ensued, we all piled into someone's van, and somehow a week later I was still dating the very person that I punched for kissing another girl.

So...it's easy to yell at the tv and the dumbass chicks but really, REALLY, if you're female...then there's a good chance you've accepted crappy behavior over a silly boy too.

Ha ha: Spencer’s quote-unquote management company, Innovator Management, has about four clients, though it’s tough to tell as most of Pratt’s “companies” have MySpace pages without any other Web presence.

Wow,it's true...it's just a myspace page: Innovator Management Dammit, i just got scammed into visiting his effing myspace page.

**I PASSED MY PMP EXAM**

Oh my GOD...it's over...it's finally OVER.

Since around APRIL i've been studying for my project management certification. My brain pretty much revolved around it. Hence also why I didn't blog much...i didn't have much to say 'cuase i felt like whatever was in my brain should have been PMP-related.

Geezus just applying for the test was hard (it took 2 weeks to fill out the application and fortunately, I didn't get audited...you have to meet certain criteria just to write the damn thing)...

Gonna go watch a Nip/Tuck DVD and relax, but to give you an idea of the hell i've been trhough the past few months here's a Lessons Learned i posted on a project management forum:

How to pass the poor man's way

I passed my exam today and I"m finally happy to be able to write my LL.
Took the exam in Southern California.
Going to try to avoid writing the usual stuff that everyone else does.

The plan: to write the exam in the shortest amount of time while spending the least amount of money.

The reality:

1. Applied for the exam (in May) and scheduled it for end of Summer.
2. Got to Chapter 6 in PMBOK and realized I'd need more time and more resources.
3. Purchased PMP In Depth: Project Management Professional Study Guide for PMP and CAPM Exams by Paul Sanghera.
4. Midway through summer realized summer is the worst time to study. Rescheduled my exam for Oct. Signed up for the PMI-NEIC (do a google search) online course. It's an 8 week online class where you read their notes along with the PMBOK, there's a teacher, forums, quizzes, and most importantly, it's $150. MUCH cheaper than the other classes out there.
4.5 read through their notes and the PMBOK while summarizing EVERYTHING in detail...because i had no desire to re-read the PMBOK unless i had to.
5. Rescheduled again....
6. At a PMI event, someone lent me their materials from when they took the "official" PMI class...which included Achieve PMP Exam Success PMBOK Guide (available on Amazon) and a ton of other notes.
7. Went through online sources (such as the PDFs available here)
8. Did the little tests you find online (like the HeadFirst one, which i don't recommend...their CPM method is messed up) or in the books I had.

Finally decided that the only way to do this is to just bite the bullet, cram over the thanksgiving holiday, and write it the following monday.

The Prometric Center:
1. They don't let you bring ANYTHING in there. There's little lockers (so i guess you can bring the key to the locker in...but if you have car keys, you have to lock the car keys and then take the locker key in with you). And when i mean ANYTHING...i couldn't even bring my chapstick in with me. I'm surprised they let me keep the hair elastic i had around my wrist. If you're wearing a cardigan, it has to stay on the entire time (you can't put it around the chair).

2. The "ear plugs" weren't plugs...i thought i'd get a cute little bag of little earplugs. Instead you get to use these huge construction-guy orange ear things. They work well, except I wore my glasses and the combination of the two really got annoying against my ears.

3. SPeaking of glasses, i recommend you wear them instead of contact lenses. Your eyes will start to pop out of your head otherwise.

4. Someone here mentioned in their LL that the sound of someone typing got annoying...it was AWFUL. I was right next to a girl who was typing an essay, and even through the earmuffs i could hear everything. Don't get me started on the constant banging of the door.

5. When you first sit down, there's a prompt to take the tutorial. So i started doing my brain dump before even starting the tutorial...after 2 minutes I got a warning that if I didn't start the tutorial, i would be closed out of the test. So...just a heads up...start the tutorial THEN do the brain dump.

6. I know this sounds insane, but writing a brain dump in lightening speed is MUCH harder with a regular wood pencil than with a mechanical pencil!

General topics (other than the ones that keep getting listed on the forum):
- order of magnitude (not to be confused with Rough order of magnitude)
- it felt like half of my questions were about contract types and how to calculate all sorts of formulas related to them (which irked me, i just quickly reviewed them and that's it...i didn't know the answers to any of them!)
- ALOT of delegation questions (thank you PMHub, without you i wouldn't have aced them!)
- no CPM math (maybe one float question at best)...i was so bummed i didn't get to create a network diagram

my score breakdown (they give you a printout, you don't have to memorize them or anything...each main section has a really detailed % breakdown which i'm not going to bother typing up):
Initiation 60%
Planning 78%
Executing 60%
Mon & Ctrl 62%
Closing 73% (lol i got 100% in everything except i got 0% in Archive/Retain Project Records that skewed that section)
Prof Responsibility: 80%

TIPS:
1. HIGHLY recommend taking the free test at PMSTUDY. If you can't get the free one, pay for one ($15 i believe). Best thing I could have done...i barely passed the online exam but it told me the exact areas I needed to beef up.

2. Scoping out the prometric place in advance is a must.

3. I didn't memorize all the ITTOs, but i did memorize the "main" chart of the 44 processes (KAs on one side, process groups on the top). This was invaluable...if not for direct questions but so many of the questions were situational, it helps to see where you are in the project (e.g. if they say "in contract administration blah blah", simply staring at the chart reminds you that anything related to say scope development was already done)...

4. I memorized 25 formulas and naturally the only ones I needed were either ones I had no idea or just the easy ones (CPI, CV, SPI)

5. What i did for the questions that were "iffy": i marked them, then as i went through them for review I created a chart of how many i had in A/B/C/D...then for the questions that I really just guessed, i used my little chart to tell me which ones I needed to beef up (I barely had any Cs and i think wayyy too many As)...figured maybe it would help to spread out my best guesses across all letters...

6. Do NOT get discouraged if you don't get the 80% score that everyone recommends you get on the practice exams...I did awful on them and just used that info to hone in on the sections that I needed to learn. Also, take note of your test time...if English is your first language, there is NO WAY you'll need 4 hours to get through the exam...

7. When in doubt, your answer should involve "informing" or "notifying" or "telling" someone whatever is going on.

8. When in doubt, analyze what to do next vs. rushing off and doing X action

Book Review:
Achieve PMP Exam Success PMBOK Guide: a little light, but definitely covered PMP-specific topics. If you need something to supplement your reading, this is great. Pretty decent CD that has tests.

PMP In Depth:goes from a process perspective, not a KA perspective. Good i guess if you read it before PMBOK..but i read it after so it didn't do me much good.

PMI-NEIC notes/online class: I'd give it a B+...it was nice to have something in plain english to read alongside the PMBOK, but it included alot of non-PMP things, which got a little annoying.

Somoene also lent me Rita's Flash Cards, which i looked at briefly and then realized that since i'll never be flat out asked for a definition (as opposed to having multiple options), i never used it.

I stayed away from Rita's books because i found them to be WAY overpriced, and the horrible reviews on Amazon told me to stay away.



Poor Kraig...he had to deal with me being bitchier than usual, which is pretty damn bitchy.

Great site and being "uppercase f*cked"....

I came across Ikea Hacker, it's awesome. Wish I had seen it before I got a new kitty litter box...some seriously nifty cat ideas.

On Friday I had dinner at Felicia's (crazy good spaghetti, and i'm not a huge spaghetti person), her friend Staci was there with her new man...anyway Staci's a dental hygienist..I'm OBSESSED with teeth...Turns out there's a DENTAL CONVENTION in Anaheim.

Do you hear me?! DENTAL CONVENTION!! I'm salivating at the thought...

On Sat night checked out Justin and Sara's crazy kickass new tv...Sara's the owner of Fatally Yours, a horror movie review site.

The second movie was way too cheesy for words (I can't even remember the title)...but the first one, Feast was actually pretty kick ass. It's a Project Greenlight movie so it's ultra low budget...but it had the best one-liners and general writing I've heard in a movie in a long time...key ones:

Bozo: YOU!
Grandma: [Drunkenly] What?
Bozo: You know somethin'!
Grandma: Huh?
Bozo: You're old! You've seen things!
Grandma: I don't know a thing.
Bartender: Easy there...
Bozo: Back off me, whitey! I'm interrogating her.
Bozo: Old people know things, like legends and tall tales and shit.
Grandma: No... really... I don't...
Bozo: Come on! Spill it! Or I'll get rough!
Grandma: I don't know anything!
[Points to Bartender]
Grandma: Why don't you ask him? He's old!


Well i'm not feeling overall witty and intelligent at this point...watching Stuck On You for the umpteenth time and feeling so grateful that Matt Damon didn't feel like he was too good for this movie, it's so bad it's wonderful...

The black bear is the best bear

Dont' have much to say today, so I thought i'd at least provide the most wonderful 2 minutes of your entire life:


In other news, i gotta remind myself to get on the debate: who's cast is hotter, Lost or Heroes? For women, obviously Heroes...but let's not overshoot ourselves on Peter vs. Sawyer...(although Peter taking his shirt off in every episode is certainly helping out the cause)...

Me fail English? That's unpossible!

Well as usual, long time no write. I really have adopted this bad attitude like, who the eff am I to think anyone would want to read what I have to say. But then I guess I realized...this has always been about me, a place to dump my random brain stew, so get over yourself.

I've discovered today that apparently THINKING about doing something is not the same as actually DOING it. Merely researching ways to paint your kitchen cabinet does not mean it magically is done when you get home. Researching how other people passed their PMP exam doesn't make you suddenly a pro on the topic. Pouring over Foodnetwork.com and Epicurious.com doesn't make a nice big turkey meal cook in your oven. Reading about money doesn't make your bank account numbers go up.

So with many failed New Year's Resolutions from years past under my belt, next year's resolution will be: JUST DO IT. Minus the swoosh.

What does Just Do It entail? Well i'm glad you asked...it means, no more bitching about what you want to get done. No more researching for months on end over something absolutely retarded. No more procrastination. Okay...well maybe a little procrastination, because without procrastination I'd never get anything done (well...okay only procrastinating on things that have a firm deadline so that i'm forced to do it).

In other news...and at the same time, Speaking of Food Network....I'm making Tyler Florence's Caramelized onion and cornbread stuffing for tomorrow.

In more other news, I had a blast in Tahoe seeing my Bay Area peeps (yes...they really are the yellow marshmallows you put in the microwave). In case you need to peruse the pics, click here.

Alright, that's enough for today...one must pace themselves.

It's been awhile...

Haven't posted JACK in a lifetime 'cause I'm kind of in a phase where I figure...who the eff gives a crap what I have to say?! Who knows if anyone will even log in to see if i've written...

So some random thoughts....

Congrats to Evan and Liz who both got engaged this week (not to each other....two different instances)...

Yeah the fires suck balls, even worse is that i'm stuck going to work while other businesses nearby let their employees stay home...

I'm jonesin' for new shoes for the fall, but having mutant feet of size 5 persuasion makes it very difficult to find anything...

The shows i'm watching this fall:

Bizarre Foods with Andrew Zimmern (it's the Travel Channel...this dude will eat anything. ANYTHING. Like he'll catch some weird mussel, rinse it, rip the penis out, and eat it. He's insane. )

Aliens in America (naturally I gotta watch this show...about a family that takes in a pakistani muslim exchange student...it's actually very witty and brilliantly done)

Heroes

Real World and The Hills (yeah i should be shot for that)

Gossip Girl (I need my fix of shows about shallow people)

Dr. 90210 (naturally)

My Name is Earl

THE OFFICE (helllllllll yeahhhhhhh! Damn i wish I worked at Dunder Mifflin)

Desperate Housewives

Kimora: Life in the fab lane (To add to the shallow fix that i need)

Hmmm i'm sure there's more but i can't think of any....

The britney drama never ends...

Fox News is reporting she's going to lose her kids today...

Her management dropped her today due to her erratic behavior...

Oh miss Britney, THIS is how you do it when you're an ex-Mickey Mouser with a baby belly (even if it's pre-baby):


What a wonderful way for Christina to show Britney up for all the years they were compared. Note the use of flowy dress still allows her to accentuate her itty bitty shoulders....as in, just ONE body part needs to be highlighted. Not the whole damn thing.

Oh Christine, what i would do to sing like you...i'd be like Ursula from Little Mermaid...

Interesting article...

Props to Alanna for finding this, i always dig psychology stuff between men and women, or how our generation thinks differently than the generation before...
You'd never buy a car without test-driving it first right? So why settle into a lifelong marriage before trying one on for size?

Best editorial EVER

Props to Janet for sending this to me...i seriously was afraid i would wet my pants laughing. I highlighted the best lines in RED.

What happens in Vegas ... hurts my eyes

Britney's VMA performance a bigger mistake than her first marriage

COMMENTARY
By Dennis Hensley
MSNBC contributor

Given that Sunday night's MTV Video Music Awards were held in Las Vegas, I was hoping that the show would open with a parade of hookers. They'd walk out with briefcases like the models on "Deal or No Deal." Then when they opened their cases, one of them would be hollowed out to reveal a pregnant belly underneath. Then whatever star was the lucky father would get a moon man trophy, make a speech and pay child support for the rest of his life. Wouldn't that be fun?

Instead, we got Britney Spears' so-called comeback performance of her new single, "Gimme More." Before we get to that dog and pony show, can I just ask what was up with longtime MTV pre-show personality John Norris' bleached blonde hairdo and smoky eyeliner? I thought it was Judith Light there for a second … or Jodie Foster, plugging that new movie where she shoots people.

But anyway, back to Britney. The show starts and the first thing we see of Brit is a close-up of the back of her head. It's not pretty. It's extension seams a go-go. You could almost smell the glue through the television. This unflattering shot made me wonder if Britney was a pain in the rear during rehearsal because someone at MTV was clearly pissed at her. Her black rhinestone bikini was problematic too considering Brit's a few pounds over her "Slave 4 U" fighting weight. It wasn't Paula Abdul "Vibeology" bad, but it was far from good.

I could forgive the ratty hair extensions and the extra pounds if Britney had turned in a good performance but she didn't. She totally phoned it in and it wasn't a very good connection. The words that come to mind are joyless, dead-eyed, way under-rehearsed and Cheetos. And, oh yeah, clumsy. The normally sure-footed trouper stumbled a few times in her gold-heeled boots. Of course, she hasn't worn shoes in years so maybe we should cut her some slack with the footwork.

Her blasé attitude, though, is inexcusable. Britney was like a jaded stripper a few minutes before closing time who leaves her ciggie burning backstage while she goes out to shake her weary ass for the punters one more time. Simply put, she looked like she didn't want to be there.

Which is such a shame because I've always found Britney to be a magnetic performer and a sexier, more graceful dancer than any pop tart out there. But something happened to her sparkle. And the audience cutaways just added insult to injury. 50 Cent looked genuinely befuddled and he's gotta be pretty hard to shock. Meanwhile, Rihanna shared a laugh with a gal pal while the cartoon thought bubble over her head said, "Wow, outshining this has-been is going to be even easier than I thought." Hey Rihanna, I wouldn't get too cocky if I were you. That could be you in 20 years.

I've since read a report online that said that an outraged Britney nearly bailed on the performance right before show time after overhearing the jokes Sarah Silverman planned to tell about her onstage. Another report said she planned to do an illusion with magician Criss Angel but MTV or the hotel vetoed it at the last minute, so the performance we saw was Plan B. I doubt that either of these is true, but I think Britney should pick one and stick to itha ha haaaaaaaaaaaaa...i love it...can't stop laughing..

For my money, the performance of the night was given by Alicia Keys. She wowed the crowd with her musicality, her Gene Simmons boots and a puffy hairdo that looked like it was attached to her headband. Keys ended her set with a rousing version of George Michael's "Freedom", a song I've always liked but thought was impossible to cover because how can anyone but George sing with any authority about how dehumanizing it was to be in Wham? Alicia proved me wrong.

Other random thoughts on the VMAs:

I wasn't into the way the show cut away to different party suites in the hotel to find Fall Out Boy, Kanye West or Justin Timberlake spontaneously jamming. It was like open mic night at the VMAs.

Paris Hilton, in her blond bob and animal-print dress, looked like the sexiest real estate agent in Beverly Hills. You may not have liked her album but she has a lovely three bedroom she'd like to show you in Brentwood.I seriously canNOT stop cracking up. I'll pee my pants if I read this line again.

As someone who's probably never danced on a table or had sex with Kid Rock, Jennifer Garner stuck out like a sore thumb and seemed to be counting the minutes until she could get out of there. Her subtext was, "Please, no one shoot me. I have a daughter." And then she flubbed her best new artist presentation by calling Gym Class Heroes, Gym Class Fallout. What? Of course, her all-over-the-place co-presenter Jamie Foxx was driving all of us to distraction at the time so it's no wonder she flubbed.

I kept waiting for someone to share their exit strategy for Iraq, but male artist of the year Justin Timberlake's plea to MTV to "Play more videos!" was about as political as it got. JT's electric dance break in the Timbaland-and-friends finale was another high point of the show. He even gave a gracious shout-out to newcomer Chris Brown, whose Michael Jackson-esque song and dance gave the middle of the show a much needed rush of adrenaline.

Kanye West and 50 Cent presented together even though they are fake fighting for publicity because their new albums both drop on Sept. 11. They entered the stage from separate sides, met in the middle then stared each other down for several seconds. I so wanted them to kiss like Madonna and Britney did a few years back but I guess we, as a culture, aren't ready for that. I'll check back in 120 years.

"I'm really bad at these," Beyoncé said upon accepting an award for her duet with Shakira, "Beautiful Liar." That was Beyoncé's humble way of reminding us all that she gets given an award just about every other day. I still love her, though.

Fergie won the best female artist award but she wasn't there to accept it, which is too bad because, though she's turned out hit after hit, she's not exactly an award darling. She was our best shot at some you-really-like-me tears, but she was otherwise engaged.

Kanye West wore white sunglasses like Fleagle from The Banana Splits and ended his party suite song on a glass balcony overlooking the strip, with a gaggle of hot chick fans dancing around him. I don't know what the audition to be a balcony girl involved but I'm sure it was intense.Yes Alanna, this is a killer line...LOVE IT!

My favorite surprise was the self-deprecating appearance by Miss Teen South Carolina, whose name I don't know so I just call her the "such as" girl. I could listen to her mad ramblings all day long. I still don't know who won Miss Teen USA but this dingbat haunts my dreams. Can we get her booked on that "Celebrity Rap Challenge" show?

Did anyone else find the frenetic, ever-changing visuals of the show tiring to watch? Maybe that's what the kids are into these days but as my friend Alonso said as the credits rolled, "I've never felt forty-ier." Amen, brother.

So that was the Video Music Awards. Some folks got drunk, Kid Rock hit Tommy Lee and some of your favorite artists went home with moon men. But the big story of the night I'm afraid is going to be the bombing of Britney. Not only has she lost the eye of the tiger, I think she might have eaten it. Okay it's official. I should only be allowed to read this when i'm in the bathroom. It's so wonderfully rude, it may well have been written by Sarah Silverman, Adam Corolla, or anyone from South Park.The only person who came out of that performance better off was her accidental husband, Jason Alexander. Remember him? As of Sunday night, he's no longer the only mistake Britney's made in Vegas.

Dennis Hensley is the author of the books Misadventures in the (213) and Screening Party and a co-host on the radio show Twist.

Sarah Silverman was right....

Oh Britney! Britney why...whyyyyyyyyy...when you KNOW the paparazzi will be there....when you know they've invented skivvies...do you go out right after the VMAs flashing this?


Damn I just can't get enough.

If yer gonna lip sync...

Now THIS is how you lip sync mutha effas! Chris Brown was amazing, even though he didn't sing a lick of it.